Shes in the middle of affair..Im lost - 02/05/16 03:09 PM
New to the forum, need advice. Heres the basic info:
*Together 14 years
*Both in 30s
*No Kids/Rent Apartment
*She suffered a death in her family this year that drove her into a deep depression
*I realized there was something wrong in December and this whole ordeal began
*After her denying it the entire time I finally uncovered solid proof that she is having an affair
*She finally admitted to having an affair, but said its over
*She refuses to cut off contact with OM
*Continued snooping shows that they are still having affair
The past 2 months have been hell. Initially we had a conversation where she said she was emotionally detached, wasnt sure if she wanted to stay together, etc. I was devastated, but thought that it was a result of the death she had suffered through earlier this year. I turned into superman overnight, cooking, cleaning, retail therapy, etc. Not overboard, but genuine. She completly pulled away...no affection, no I love yous, cringed when I touched her, etc. We suffered through the holidays around both our families and friends as we hid what was going on. After several long long conversations I started to suspect an affair. Lots of vague answers, weird responses, and just a general feeling of unrest. She maintained that wasnt the case. I snooped deeply and began uncovering lots of info. I made the mistake of confronting her several times without solid proof in the hopes that her guilt would allow her to be honest with me. We have always had an open realtionship, so this new world of deception was very confusing for me. For the next few weeks I spiraled out of control as the constant snooping drove me literally out of my mind. Thankfully towards the beginning of this whole ordeal I had begun to setup an appointment for therapy in the hopes that I could get some insight into how best to help her through her depression, but at this point I needed it to save myself. Ended up getting placed with the same therapist that she was seeing out of blind luck, and after revealing that to him he decided that he shouldnt see me. On the plus side I was able to get on some meds to help with the anxiety and depression...although both arent really doing much for me this week. In any case, she had gaslighted me (great term..just learned it and it describes my situation perfectly) for the entire time to the point where I had questioed my own sanity. Last week we had managed to have a couple good days in a row and took a trip to hang out with her family for the weekend. Had a great time and everything felt normal for the first time in months. When we got home I noticed an update to one of the programs I had used to snoop on her and for some reason decided to update it and check it out. For the first time I saw all of the text messages that she had deleted and everything that I had thought was verified in plain text (and a lot of cute emoticons). Not only did she have an affair, but it was still going on.
I confronted her about it and she denied it for a couple days before I finally pryed the infomation out of her. The worst part was the reaction that she had when I asked if it was the guy who I thought it was (her former boss). When I said his name she had a huge smile, laughed, and said yes. That hurt. What also hurt was that she was more concerned with how this affected her relationship with him than what it meant for the two of us. I asked if she would be willing to cut contact with him and she refused. I gave the ultimatum that it was either cut contact or I would have to leave. She told me to go right ahead. She said now that I know the truth it was going to take years to restore the relationship, and she didnt want to deal with that.
So, at this point Im really struggling. I love her tremendously, and its tough to fathom that a matter of weeks can overwrite 14 years together. But, she is deep in the middle of an affair with this guy and he has all of her emotions tied up. Given the stress this has caused (this was the short version) I cant realistically make it through more than a few more weeks of this hell. I cant sleep due to the constant images of her and him, can barely eat, barely function at work, and have avoided all friends and family for the past couple months now.
So I guess the question is: what now? As crazy as it sounds I would love for this to work, but there is abviously no chance the longer her affair continues and/or she remains in contact with this guy. Ive made nothing but mistakes along the way, would love some insight so I dont make any more.
*Together 14 years
*Both in 30s
*No Kids/Rent Apartment
*She suffered a death in her family this year that drove her into a deep depression
*I realized there was something wrong in December and this whole ordeal began
*After her denying it the entire time I finally uncovered solid proof that she is having an affair
*She finally admitted to having an affair, but said its over
*She refuses to cut off contact with OM
*Continued snooping shows that they are still having affair
The past 2 months have been hell. Initially we had a conversation where she said she was emotionally detached, wasnt sure if she wanted to stay together, etc. I was devastated, but thought that it was a result of the death she had suffered through earlier this year. I turned into superman overnight, cooking, cleaning, retail therapy, etc. Not overboard, but genuine. She completly pulled away...no affection, no I love yous, cringed when I touched her, etc. We suffered through the holidays around both our families and friends as we hid what was going on. After several long long conversations I started to suspect an affair. Lots of vague answers, weird responses, and just a general feeling of unrest. She maintained that wasnt the case. I snooped deeply and began uncovering lots of info. I made the mistake of confronting her several times without solid proof in the hopes that her guilt would allow her to be honest with me. We have always had an open realtionship, so this new world of deception was very confusing for me. For the next few weeks I spiraled out of control as the constant snooping drove me literally out of my mind. Thankfully towards the beginning of this whole ordeal I had begun to setup an appointment for therapy in the hopes that I could get some insight into how best to help her through her depression, but at this point I needed it to save myself. Ended up getting placed with the same therapist that she was seeing out of blind luck, and after revealing that to him he decided that he shouldnt see me. On the plus side I was able to get on some meds to help with the anxiety and depression...although both arent really doing much for me this week. In any case, she had gaslighted me (great term..just learned it and it describes my situation perfectly) for the entire time to the point where I had questioed my own sanity. Last week we had managed to have a couple good days in a row and took a trip to hang out with her family for the weekend. Had a great time and everything felt normal for the first time in months. When we got home I noticed an update to one of the programs I had used to snoop on her and for some reason decided to update it and check it out. For the first time I saw all of the text messages that she had deleted and everything that I had thought was verified in plain text (and a lot of cute emoticons). Not only did she have an affair, but it was still going on.
I confronted her about it and she denied it for a couple days before I finally pryed the infomation out of her. The worst part was the reaction that she had when I asked if it was the guy who I thought it was (her former boss). When I said his name she had a huge smile, laughed, and said yes. That hurt. What also hurt was that she was more concerned with how this affected her relationship with him than what it meant for the two of us. I asked if she would be willing to cut contact with him and she refused. I gave the ultimatum that it was either cut contact or I would have to leave. She told me to go right ahead. She said now that I know the truth it was going to take years to restore the relationship, and she didnt want to deal with that.
So, at this point Im really struggling. I love her tremendously, and its tough to fathom that a matter of weeks can overwrite 14 years together. But, she is deep in the middle of an affair with this guy and he has all of her emotions tied up. Given the stress this has caused (this was the short version) I cant realistically make it through more than a few more weeks of this hell. I cant sleep due to the constant images of her and him, can barely eat, barely function at work, and have avoided all friends and family for the past couple months now.
So I guess the question is: what now? As crazy as it sounds I would love for this to work, but there is abviously no chance the longer her affair continues and/or she remains in contact with this guy. Ive made nothing but mistakes along the way, would love some insight so I dont make any more.