Emotional Affair Ended? Next step... - 08/07/15 06:49 PM
Hello. First time post. I will lay out my scenario and would like some thoughts on how to proceed, how to heal, how to have a stronger marriage...here we go.
My wife started working for a neighbour about a year ago and things have been great. A few times when I went up to bed after her and assumed she was sleeping already I noticed that she was still on her phone - explained that she was on Facebook/Pintrest etc...no biggee...whatever.
One night my curiosity got the best of me and I logged into her screen on laptop and there was a long string of texts/iMessages between her and her boss. Started with harmless/borderline joking but as the discussion progress to my wife PRODDING the boss to admit something to her...eventually he caved and admitted he "wanted it", "he wanted her"...my wife admitted she had similar feelings but pointed out the consequences and tried to steer the conversation back to the platonic realm...her boss told her he would not text her the following day, if she texted him and wanted to continue down that path GREAT, if not, no hard feelings...clearly he did not see this as being over.
I was enraged and heart broken. I went back into the history to see where this all started etc...The "relationship" went from being joking to crossing the line in my opinion over the course of a month on/off...emails and texts/iMessages were all uncovered (to me - didn't tell her about my snooping)...
I am 100% sure nothing physical happened, which would have been a deal breaker for me. But I am still struggling (this is about day 10 since I found out)...After copying the text conversation and all the other conversations I could (and storing off site) I CALMLY (surprising to myself) marched up stairs with the evidence of this one coversation, flipped on the lights (IT WAS 2 AM) and asked her if there was something she wanted to tell me...she was confused at first, but when I confronted her with the proof (THIS IS THE ONLY PROOF I TOLD HER I HAD AT THIS POINT) she acknowledged that she'd gotten carried away and as the text string proved TRIED to stop things in it's track...I was temped to not confront her and continue surveillance but did not want to risk the relationship going physical.
My wife could not explain how things escalated to this level...she claims there was never a physical attraction, but she liked the flattery, ability to talk about work/life etc...
I tracked all the conversations back and there was a pattern of the boss making a comment that was offside...my wife saying something to the effect of ha ha and changing the topic (her trying to remain professional)...the boss realizing the comment was offside and apologizing, but it would all happen again later in the chat or a subsequent chat...
The week preceding me finding out my wife was on vacation visiting a friend across the country. I later discovered at least 600/700 texts back and forth..nothing of this steamy nature, but it appeared to be a budding relationship...conversations always starting with work or the mundane, but a clingy nature on both sides to not end the conversation...my wife and I exchanged maybe 5/10 texts a day as I was taking care of our children and letting her enjoy her time away to relax with her friends and family...who wants your spouse texting you all day while you're away right?
My wife and I both had some tears and talked things through and she owned up to everything and could not have been more apologetic. My wife had 3 more workdays until the weekend and then was off on a girls weekend (with the boss's wife, who is a good friend of hers - awkward right?)
The boss beat around the bush on the Thursday and picked up where he left off hoping to continue this "relationship"...my wife fended it off - but too casually in my opinion...she basically told him it was fun but it was disrespectful.
The Friday the same thing occurred and my wife was WAY MORE ASSERTIVE that it could not continue and reminded him of the consequences - both my wife and his wife come from homes where parents cheated physically.
My wife left for her trip and I thought I was OK. I was up late on Friday night re-reading all the texts/emails and that's when I found the emails from the previous 2 days where he did not appear willing/able to discontinue the relationship. On saturday am I broke down in tears hugging my son twice and could not explain to him why (for obvious reasons)...at this point I said enough was enough and I texted the boss and told him to meet me in his backyard to talk (I indicated that we needed to talk and he knows why)...he complied and I marched over. NOT LOOKING for anything physical, just to END THIS.
I asked him to listen, which he did. He was wanting to tell his side and was adamant that nothing physical would EVER happen. He understood that I probably didn't believe him but he swore that on his children's lives...eventually he teared up when I asked him to put himself in my shoes, what if it was me and his wife engaging in this type of relationship?...he apologized profusely, said that he should probably move b/c he couldn't stand living next to me knowing that I wasn't comfortable living next door to him. I told him to not make any rash decisions and it was 100% up to him whether he discussed this with his wife...his marriage, his decision...all I asked of him was that he keep the relationship 100% professional - whatever friendship was there was OVER...had to be.
Fast forward to the Sunday when my wife returned...I explained what happened while she was gone - she was not angry - just anxious about how it would affect her job and her relationship with her boss's wife (if she was brought into the loop).
My wife offered me full access to her email / work email / texts etc (and I'm clever enough to find deleted / and presumably permanently deleted items)...she really wants to put this in the past and get over it...she crafted an email to her boss, I edited it and she sent it to her boss (cc'd me)...basically stated that what happened was wrong, it hurt me, it wasn't and can't happen again...and let's just talk about work stuff at work and that's it...
Couple days later he replied acknowledging and agreeing that yes it was wrong, no nothing physical would ever have occurred and yes she is a valuable employee and he can and will back off and be 100% professional...
So here we are...what I'm struggling with is the constant need to revisit the old texts/emails...to keep bringing up old hurts...to start trusting again...as I said this is a VERY FRESH WOUND for me. There will be social interaction between us all and I am not sure how I will react, but I can certainly avoid 1 on 1 contact with the boss, and my wife is also in agreement that she will as well...The boss really is a nice guy, he just got caught up, as my wife did, in something that neither one of them ever could have foreseen happening...I think he fell for her and until I confronted him I believe his pursuit would have continued.
We're both willing to see how things go at work for her and if she can be happy working there without the friendship of her boss which was a part of her job that she enjoyed...if it crosses the line again then ya, she'll need to look for a new job...
My wife is disappointed that she could have not had a platonic relationship with a man without it escalating...and disappointed in herself for letting it transpire into an emotional affair...
I'm not looking for anyone to dump on my wife - trust me she could not feel worse and she's owned up to her actions...guess I'm looking for help coping...help building trust...help with how to interact with the boss (my plan is to keep it pleasant but we were friendly but not friends before)...thanks in advance for letting me speak in this trusting and open forum.
My wife started working for a neighbour about a year ago and things have been great. A few times when I went up to bed after her and assumed she was sleeping already I noticed that she was still on her phone - explained that she was on Facebook/Pintrest etc...no biggee...whatever.
One night my curiosity got the best of me and I logged into her screen on laptop and there was a long string of texts/iMessages between her and her boss. Started with harmless/borderline joking but as the discussion progress to my wife PRODDING the boss to admit something to her...eventually he caved and admitted he "wanted it", "he wanted her"...my wife admitted she had similar feelings but pointed out the consequences and tried to steer the conversation back to the platonic realm...her boss told her he would not text her the following day, if she texted him and wanted to continue down that path GREAT, if not, no hard feelings...clearly he did not see this as being over.
I was enraged and heart broken. I went back into the history to see where this all started etc...The "relationship" went from being joking to crossing the line in my opinion over the course of a month on/off...emails and texts/iMessages were all uncovered (to me - didn't tell her about my snooping)...
I am 100% sure nothing physical happened, which would have been a deal breaker for me. But I am still struggling (this is about day 10 since I found out)...After copying the text conversation and all the other conversations I could (and storing off site) I CALMLY (surprising to myself) marched up stairs with the evidence of this one coversation, flipped on the lights (IT WAS 2 AM) and asked her if there was something she wanted to tell me...she was confused at first, but when I confronted her with the proof (THIS IS THE ONLY PROOF I TOLD HER I HAD AT THIS POINT) she acknowledged that she'd gotten carried away and as the text string proved TRIED to stop things in it's track...I was temped to not confront her and continue surveillance but did not want to risk the relationship going physical.
My wife could not explain how things escalated to this level...she claims there was never a physical attraction, but she liked the flattery, ability to talk about work/life etc...
I tracked all the conversations back and there was a pattern of the boss making a comment that was offside...my wife saying something to the effect of ha ha and changing the topic (her trying to remain professional)...the boss realizing the comment was offside and apologizing, but it would all happen again later in the chat or a subsequent chat...
The week preceding me finding out my wife was on vacation visiting a friend across the country. I later discovered at least 600/700 texts back and forth..nothing of this steamy nature, but it appeared to be a budding relationship...conversations always starting with work or the mundane, but a clingy nature on both sides to not end the conversation...my wife and I exchanged maybe 5/10 texts a day as I was taking care of our children and letting her enjoy her time away to relax with her friends and family...who wants your spouse texting you all day while you're away right?
My wife and I both had some tears and talked things through and she owned up to everything and could not have been more apologetic. My wife had 3 more workdays until the weekend and then was off on a girls weekend (with the boss's wife, who is a good friend of hers - awkward right?)
The boss beat around the bush on the Thursday and picked up where he left off hoping to continue this "relationship"...my wife fended it off - but too casually in my opinion...she basically told him it was fun but it was disrespectful.
The Friday the same thing occurred and my wife was WAY MORE ASSERTIVE that it could not continue and reminded him of the consequences - both my wife and his wife come from homes where parents cheated physically.
My wife left for her trip and I thought I was OK. I was up late on Friday night re-reading all the texts/emails and that's when I found the emails from the previous 2 days where he did not appear willing/able to discontinue the relationship. On saturday am I broke down in tears hugging my son twice and could not explain to him why (for obvious reasons)...at this point I said enough was enough and I texted the boss and told him to meet me in his backyard to talk (I indicated that we needed to talk and he knows why)...he complied and I marched over. NOT LOOKING for anything physical, just to END THIS.
I asked him to listen, which he did. He was wanting to tell his side and was adamant that nothing physical would EVER happen. He understood that I probably didn't believe him but he swore that on his children's lives...eventually he teared up when I asked him to put himself in my shoes, what if it was me and his wife engaging in this type of relationship?...he apologized profusely, said that he should probably move b/c he couldn't stand living next to me knowing that I wasn't comfortable living next door to him. I told him to not make any rash decisions and it was 100% up to him whether he discussed this with his wife...his marriage, his decision...all I asked of him was that he keep the relationship 100% professional - whatever friendship was there was OVER...had to be.
Fast forward to the Sunday when my wife returned...I explained what happened while she was gone - she was not angry - just anxious about how it would affect her job and her relationship with her boss's wife (if she was brought into the loop).
My wife offered me full access to her email / work email / texts etc (and I'm clever enough to find deleted / and presumably permanently deleted items)...she really wants to put this in the past and get over it...she crafted an email to her boss, I edited it and she sent it to her boss (cc'd me)...basically stated that what happened was wrong, it hurt me, it wasn't and can't happen again...and let's just talk about work stuff at work and that's it...
Couple days later he replied acknowledging and agreeing that yes it was wrong, no nothing physical would ever have occurred and yes she is a valuable employee and he can and will back off and be 100% professional...
So here we are...what I'm struggling with is the constant need to revisit the old texts/emails...to keep bringing up old hurts...to start trusting again...as I said this is a VERY FRESH WOUND for me. There will be social interaction between us all and I am not sure how I will react, but I can certainly avoid 1 on 1 contact with the boss, and my wife is also in agreement that she will as well...The boss really is a nice guy, he just got caught up, as my wife did, in something that neither one of them ever could have foreseen happening...I think he fell for her and until I confronted him I believe his pursuit would have continued.
We're both willing to see how things go at work for her and if she can be happy working there without the friendship of her boss which was a part of her job that she enjoyed...if it crosses the line again then ya, she'll need to look for a new job...
My wife is disappointed that she could have not had a platonic relationship with a man without it escalating...and disappointed in herself for letting it transpire into an emotional affair...
I'm not looking for anyone to dump on my wife - trust me she could not feel worse and she's owned up to her actions...guess I'm looking for help coping...help building trust...help with how to interact with the boss (my plan is to keep it pleasant but we were friendly but not friends before)...thanks in advance for letting me speak in this trusting and open forum.