Seeking clarity on next step - The Divorce Remedy - 06/01/15 08:36 PM
I have been reading nonstop (on book #5 now) about affairs, marriage, how to make it all work and recover and I find the forums a bit unweidly at this point. I am hoping fellow posters can point me in the right direction. My funds are a bit tapped out at the moment (turns out staying together and getting divorced are both costly!) or I would definitely hit a coaching session. So here goes:
Background:
I am 45 and my H is 67. We have a 6 year old and have been married 22 years this summer (together 25). His second marriage, my first. We have gone through a lot over the years, but my job was relocated to Dallas two years ago and we had another significant event 2 years prior to that. So we have had about 4 years where things were really hard, we both needed each other, and we weren't able to give the other what they needed. So I understand how my husband found himself in an affair and I could deal with that part (although I have never felt so sick and tortured in my life).
When confronted, he stonewalled. We have talked a lot and I have been on the rollercoaster. We spent a few days in separate bedrooms and then had to come back to the same bed due to company visiting. A week later and I haven't moved back to the guest bedroom. He has been more and more affectionate, but has said he will not stop his affair. He feels confused, but I know (yes I am spying) that he is professing his love for her now since I insisted he was in love with her and that obviously gave him permission to say it to her a day after. Rookie step, I know.
He has agreed to go to marriage counseling (and I think we have someone solution oriented) and we go Thursday. He is convinced they will tell him to stop the affair and doesn't hold out hope for marriage counseling. It didn't work for his first marriage and doesn't think it will work here. We are also going to a marriage/communication retreat weekend mid-June to work on how to bring us close together again (with the OW still in the picture somehow - not sure how that is going to work).
After reading the Divorce Remedy and honestly not liking it at first, I have come around. I was (am?) having a hard time just "sucking it up" and acting as if nothing has happened. I know I would take him back after an affair, but I am having trouble accepting that I should take him back when he actually says how sorry he is to be hurting me this much and "the heart wants what the heart wants" and "he isn't sure he can get back to where we were" and therefore isn't going to stop his affair. But today I am able to swallow my pride and push my ego aside because I do still love him and know that our life post-divorce would be hell on our son like it was for at least 2 of his 4 kids when he divorced the first time. Full disclosure: he was separated when I met him, but got divorced after we had been together for awhile. I shouldn't be surprised it is happening to me now, should I? And happening at almost the same number of years it did with his first marriage. Hmmm...
My Questions:
1. In my state, my attorney has advised if I can prove inclination and opportunity for adultery, I don't have to pay spousal support. He is a dependent spouse and given his age, in our state I would likely pay a sigificant amount for the rest of his life. It would impact my son's quality of life not to mention mine. To prove this, I have to sneak, hire a PI, and get the proof I need. I ahve done all but gotten the iron-clad pictures I need. I am tired of reading the texts and the emails and feeling this way, but I feel like I also need to protect myself and my son. (BTW, my H is an excellent father, so I am not worried about that part.) How do I protect myself while "acting as if" and "taking care of me" and becoming the woman he wants more than his other. It is very duplicitous and I don't know if I can keep up both.
2. Given my H is being affectionate and loving while carrying on this relationship outside, do I respond to that or cut him off and just be platonic friends? I do want all of the love and affection he has to give of course (makes me feel desperate but love and affection are big parts of why we marry, aren't they?) and I feel like I can respond without appearing needy. I also wonder if it isn't a glimmer of hope while at the same time wondering if he is just placating me so I won't talk about the OW.
3. Should I move back to the other room? I took my wedding rings off Saturday and then went out with a friend (although I didn't tell him who I was going out with and looked good and returned happy). Apparently this really hurt him or struck him - he texted it to OW so he viewed it as a semi-significant event. I put the rings back on this morning. I figured that act and monitor was a sign that it was a bad move. I read a thread with WontStop (although not the whole thing) and really got confused on setting boundaries and how that fit in with the other recommendations in DR.
4. He wants time and doesn't want to have to choose between us. I told him he would eventually have to choose but that I would wait - I just don't know how long. I think I can stop talking about their relationship and even be a supportive "friend" when he talks about her and her problems. In my head I can wait the 6 months to a year. It has been about 2 months already. I am not sure how long my heart can sustain that perspective, but trying. I worry that if I am too cold (like taking off my rings seemed to indicate) that he will decide there is no hope for us because he will think I have made a decision. He can be/is very needy emotionally and is loving OW in part because she adores him right now. Watching them court is so close to how we courted it makes me sick to think about. But it also makes me think it will fade because it isn't unique or rich. He even admits that this is about him and not really either of us, although we both agree the issues in our marriage created the opening. So he needs attention from someone and if he isn't getting any from me, of course he goes to her. Where is the balance between being the woman he wants/doing things I know he wants and being detached?
Thanks all for any guidance and clarity you can provide. I have read Sandi's "Guidelines" and am working on those things, but there is a nuance I am missing. I am not ready to go beyond the last resort, but now that I am not SO crazy emotionally, I need to know the right next steps to steer this the right direction.
And the other issue: this is seriously impacting my work and I lead a small school. This is not the time of year to not be focused.
Thanks!
Aix
I'll have to figure out this signature thing later.
Background:
I am 45 and my H is 67. We have a 6 year old and have been married 22 years this summer (together 25). His second marriage, my first. We have gone through a lot over the years, but my job was relocated to Dallas two years ago and we had another significant event 2 years prior to that. So we have had about 4 years where things were really hard, we both needed each other, and we weren't able to give the other what they needed. So I understand how my husband found himself in an affair and I could deal with that part (although I have never felt so sick and tortured in my life).
When confronted, he stonewalled. We have talked a lot and I have been on the rollercoaster. We spent a few days in separate bedrooms and then had to come back to the same bed due to company visiting. A week later and I haven't moved back to the guest bedroom. He has been more and more affectionate, but has said he will not stop his affair. He feels confused, but I know (yes I am spying) that he is professing his love for her now since I insisted he was in love with her and that obviously gave him permission to say it to her a day after. Rookie step, I know.
He has agreed to go to marriage counseling (and I think we have someone solution oriented) and we go Thursday. He is convinced they will tell him to stop the affair and doesn't hold out hope for marriage counseling. It didn't work for his first marriage and doesn't think it will work here. We are also going to a marriage/communication retreat weekend mid-June to work on how to bring us close together again (with the OW still in the picture somehow - not sure how that is going to work).
After reading the Divorce Remedy and honestly not liking it at first, I have come around. I was (am?) having a hard time just "sucking it up" and acting as if nothing has happened. I know I would take him back after an affair, but I am having trouble accepting that I should take him back when he actually says how sorry he is to be hurting me this much and "the heart wants what the heart wants" and "he isn't sure he can get back to where we were" and therefore isn't going to stop his affair. But today I am able to swallow my pride and push my ego aside because I do still love him and know that our life post-divorce would be hell on our son like it was for at least 2 of his 4 kids when he divorced the first time. Full disclosure: he was separated when I met him, but got divorced after we had been together for awhile. I shouldn't be surprised it is happening to me now, should I? And happening at almost the same number of years it did with his first marriage. Hmmm...
My Questions:
1. In my state, my attorney has advised if I can prove inclination and opportunity for adultery, I don't have to pay spousal support. He is a dependent spouse and given his age, in our state I would likely pay a sigificant amount for the rest of his life. It would impact my son's quality of life not to mention mine. To prove this, I have to sneak, hire a PI, and get the proof I need. I ahve done all but gotten the iron-clad pictures I need. I am tired of reading the texts and the emails and feeling this way, but I feel like I also need to protect myself and my son. (BTW, my H is an excellent father, so I am not worried about that part.) How do I protect myself while "acting as if" and "taking care of me" and becoming the woman he wants more than his other. It is very duplicitous and I don't know if I can keep up both.
2. Given my H is being affectionate and loving while carrying on this relationship outside, do I respond to that or cut him off and just be platonic friends? I do want all of the love and affection he has to give of course (makes me feel desperate but love and affection are big parts of why we marry, aren't they?) and I feel like I can respond without appearing needy. I also wonder if it isn't a glimmer of hope while at the same time wondering if he is just placating me so I won't talk about the OW.
3. Should I move back to the other room? I took my wedding rings off Saturday and then went out with a friend (although I didn't tell him who I was going out with and looked good and returned happy). Apparently this really hurt him or struck him - he texted it to OW so he viewed it as a semi-significant event. I put the rings back on this morning. I figured that act and monitor was a sign that it was a bad move. I read a thread with WontStop (although not the whole thing) and really got confused on setting boundaries and how that fit in with the other recommendations in DR.
4. He wants time and doesn't want to have to choose between us. I told him he would eventually have to choose but that I would wait - I just don't know how long. I think I can stop talking about their relationship and even be a supportive "friend" when he talks about her and her problems. In my head I can wait the 6 months to a year. It has been about 2 months already. I am not sure how long my heart can sustain that perspective, but trying. I worry that if I am too cold (like taking off my rings seemed to indicate) that he will decide there is no hope for us because he will think I have made a decision. He can be/is very needy emotionally and is loving OW in part because she adores him right now. Watching them court is so close to how we courted it makes me sick to think about. But it also makes me think it will fade because it isn't unique or rich. He even admits that this is about him and not really either of us, although we both agree the issues in our marriage created the opening. So he needs attention from someone and if he isn't getting any from me, of course he goes to her. Where is the balance between being the woman he wants/doing things I know he wants and being detached?
Thanks all for any guidance and clarity you can provide. I have read Sandi's "Guidelines" and am working on those things, but there is a nuance I am missing. I am not ready to go beyond the last resort, but now that I am not SO crazy emotionally, I need to know the right next steps to steer this the right direction.
And the other issue: this is seriously impacting my work and I lead a small school. This is not the time of year to not be focused.
Thanks!
Aix
I'll have to figure out this signature thing later.