Posted By: Sotto Toot est possible..... - 05/17/15 06:49 AM
Well, a new thread for me. I have no idea what number! Here's a link to the last one...


H recently confirmed that he wants us to D. He doesn't feel he can grow old without the chance to start a new family. I have told him I won't stand in the way, but that isn't what I want. Our MH is about to be listed for sale, and I'm about to start off the process of splitting our finances.

No idea what's happening with OW1, but it was always rocky, and he seems to be in search of a new OW, or may already have one. We communicate only by text & email just now & haven't spoken for a few months.

I have a new job and a rental flat. I'm meeting new people and life is pretty busy and pleasant. Whilst our M ending isn't what I want, I can see that life may hold many nice things going forwards - tout est possible....
Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/17/15 08:44 AM
All the best with the new thread Toots. Let's see what twists and turns happen next !!!

Take care and have a great day. Rd. xx
Posted By: Pink17 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/17/15 01:25 PM

I asked about the time of the D process because during this time some realities start showing up. I am sure that some toughs will hit your H and lets see what he does with his life during this time.

Besides the fact that if he is in MLC, we never know when he will snap back into normal mode.

You are doing all the right things for yourself and also for him. He should be thankful that you are not driving him crazy.

Please, be sure to eat and sleep well, you have a lot on your plate right now, and it can be overwhelming at times.

We always love you,
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/17/15 07:02 PM
Thanks RD and Pink...

Pink, who knows when or if he may start to think any differently....as you say, I can only carry on doing things for me and looking after my own interests. He is pretty lucky that he doesn't have me driving him crazy isn't he? I'm not sure that he sees this at all - I think he has an entitled and self-pitying mindset just now.

Well, we had a nice time at the family party. Tho a couple of cousins didn't know about our S and asked where H was. I hate it when that happens & I have to tell people, but I was just honest and pretty upbeat about it. My Mum's family are very nice, and it's always good to see them. It was bittersweet though, because my Dad thinks it may be the last time we can take Mum to an event like that..

H replied to my text about starting off the financials. He just said - okay, that sounds good & that he will get things ready over there. He suggested we try and get a meeting arranged within the next couple of weeks, before he starts work. Then there was some stuff about the agents and what will happen over next week or so with the house & he'll let me know if things start to happen.

I'm not going to expedite anything to suit his timescale. My only plan this week is to get my L to write to him expressing my wish to settle finances and start of the process of disclosing financials.

Hope you guys are all doing well xx
Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/17/15 09:22 PM
Hi Toots. You sound upbeat but are you ? That's very tough about your Mum , it must be upseting on many levels. Also the texts from your H must be unsettling to say the least. On the face of it , it's another step closer to D but for me it's another step closer to H getting more of a wake up call The MLC will only last so long , he is destroying his life piece by piece and it can't go on. However Toots will be ok either way.

Toots I always wonder how you are so strong and I sometime feel you might be covering somewhat. Sorry if I'm wrong and just picking it up incorrectly but you are going through so much and with such grace and composure it's hard to see how. Maybe Im just projecting !!!!!

Thanks for the input on my thread. Take care and have a good day tomorrow.

Rd xx
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/18/15 07:17 AM
Hi RD, you may well be right. I felt pretty bad on Fri pm and Sat am after I had heard from H. Cried some and lay on the bed and bashed some pillows. I think I do like to be 'seen' as optimistic and maybe that does affect what I post and also what I say to people. I just need to be careful not to suppress things I guess. I do cry and I do feel sad, and I do think a lot about our sitch. I think about it way more than I would ideally like in fact.

I guess it also comes back to the whole vulnerability thing too. It's easy to show others a 'together' person than let my vulnerability show. Soon after H and I S, I told a friend that I would love to deal with our infidelity in a way that helps and inspires others. And she said to me - heck, don't worry about that, just get through it yourself! It was good advice, but there's still that part of me that wants to be really good at stuff.

As for my Mum, yes it's hard to see her health failing. If I lose my Mum and H, I will have lost the two people that I have been closest too in the whole world, and that makes me cry as I write this, you know...But also, we thought we would lose Mum a few years ago, and I feel we are blessed an on 'bonus time' with her right now.

So, I guess I'm just very up and down, and sometimes (perceptive RD) the 'I want to be a role model at dealing with infidelity' me, posts in a more upbeat and optimistic way than I might actually be feeling...

Thanks for checking in on me. I'm working away today - starting late and probably finishing late - best get moving. Have a good day all xx
Posted By: Pink17 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/18/15 10:06 AM
Hi Toots,

I am so sorry your mommy is at this stage right now. Dealing with those kind of realities are tough and it always hurt to see the ones we love so much going through it. The only thing I can say is that you are also lucky to be part of this time in your mom's life. My mom is 5000 miles away and I miss her a lot. Enjoy every minute with you mom.

I always had the same perception as RD does, but sometimes I tough was because I have H around and you have this big distance that do not allow you to see your H often.

I think the reality is that there is no one that can be strong enough to get through this being graceful and optimistic all the time. It is just too much pain, resentment, rejection and on and on. It's so overwhelming to adjust to a new life when you are still dealing with the BD, there is just so much we can do to feel happy, we can just hope that we will be OK someday.

Good that you are facing business with a business mind. Even if it is very hard, always try to think about the finances as just business. This will allow you to protect yourself and your interests. I know about a couple of women that got too emotional during financial decisions and signed agreements that really hurt them.

So when it comes to money, be as cold as you can.

You are an adorable person Toots, and I do believe that you deserve to be happy, you deserve someone that will give you value and respect.

Hope you have an nice week.

Posted By: edz Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/18/15 10:20 AM

I do feel you come over as an overarchingly positive person here. Obviously I've never met any of the gang in real life - love to one day in (at least what I imagine as) a dinner at a big table in a nice restaurant, maybe one day but by the by..

I would sound a note of caution on keeping things bottled up. Clearly this is just my case but after 5 years of watching her fight it I dealt (or rather didnt deal) with losing my mum to cancer when she was in her 40s and I was in my twenties so I know exactly what stresses illness places on your loved ones and you during illness.

I got so involved in keeping my dad together I didn't deal with it and buried those issues, years later they contributed to my depression, again I tried the always being together, able to help anyone else (including w but somehow alienating s) and not worrying about myself route and, well, the rest is in my (currently) 20 threads worth!

Be kind, caring loyal, helpful and together but remember to be all that for toots as well as everyone else smile

Sending you and your mum all the positive vibes I can today my friend, have the best one you can and have a good shout at those cushions, it helps (maybe get the mog cat a set of soundproof headphones!)

Posted By: Pink17 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/19/15 05:24 AM
Hi Toots,

Hope everything is OK with you sister. Be brave, life is challenge you, so you can find the strength you don't even know you have.

Sending you all the positive toughs today.
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/19/15 07:58 AM
Thanks Edz and Pink - it's much appreciated. I'm doing okay - just a bit tired, and a little bit tearful this morning. I worked away yesterday and it was a long day. Things have been much busier in the past couple of weeks and I'm feeling generally a bit tired, so I need to take care. After this week, I should be able to settle into my new work routine and not travel as much and hopefully that will be better.

I'm going to try and post more honestly without putting such a positive spin and brave face on things. I think I do need to grieve more and stop constantly pulling myself up and moving forward. I can't remember if I posted before, but my brother took his own life over 20 years ago; He had schitzophrenia. It was a hard time...I was just out of Uni and started work, and I just carried on with things. A few years later, I started suffering anxiety attacks and realised I had suppressed things. I think your emotions always leak out at some point if you bottle them up. I saw a grief therapist for a little while then, and was better able to manage the anxiety after that - I'm still a bit prone to it sometimes.

I'm doing some work from home today, so things will be a bit quieter, which is probably good. I have some new work projects which are a little outside my comfort zone, and I need to get myself moving forward on them. I left it 24 hours and briefly replied to H text about the house. He and I have always called each other by certain names - he lengthened mine, and I shortened his. More recently, I have just started using his actual name. I think I carried on with the shortened name to keep feeling the connection between us, but I need to let stuff like that go now. No news from my L yet, but I have earmarked tomorrow to check I have all the financial info ready for her.

Have a good day all...x
Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/19/15 08:56 AM
Hi Toots. Very sad about your brother I don't think you ever get over a loss like that but you just learn to deal with it. It seems your down and no wonder with the house stuff etc going on. At times such as this I believe the choice of how to proceed is yours You obviously aren't the type to feel sorry for yourself and that's great but at the same time you need to vent. Hopefully the work will keep you busy.

Toots , re the name thing my EXW name lends itself to be shortened and I also have two other nicknames for her which I find myself calling her when she's down I have also stopped this but she keeps calling me by her nickname for me

It's so difficult to deal with all this and I'm not sure we will ever come out the other side 100 % but we must carry on and make a new life for ourselves whatever the outcome

Take care. Rd
Posted By: edz Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/19/15 10:36 AM
Morning Toots

Firstly (((((Toots))))) and pat the mog cat as well from BFT.

Sorry to hear it's all a bit much at the moment Toots. Been there and I know how much it leads to a "Oh what now?!" kind of state, either that or just a general low ebb and it starts to feel like you're the only one the world isn't working for. I cant imagine processing the kind of situation you had regarding your Brother, I can imagine it does lead to you holding on to those around you with stronger emotional ties.

Glad to hear you feel you can open up more here, I know theres a temptation to only post the good but sometimes its the other stuff that leads to the best advice from the great people on here ... Some of the most down and feeling blue comments Ive posted here have led to the most nudges I needed at the time.

If nothing else we can send positive vibes and say in one way or another we've been through the same or similar situations between us and, if not, we can say you can at least let off steam or cry on a virtual shoulder when needed.

Keep tootling toots, you will be ok and you are not alone - now go shout at that sofa and really let it have it if you need to.

Feel better my friend smile

Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/19/15 01:58 PM

Oh how I know how you feel. It [censored], quite frankly, to hear the "D" word and feel so utterly sideswiped. I cried a lot in the early days and honestly, still cry every once in a great while. I think focusing on your work is a good thing. I tried to do that as well and some days that was really helpful.

I like that you are a positive person. I try so hard to be, but I'm not always as good at it. I think, in the long run, it will benefit you, though I agree with Edz' caution about not bottling stuff up. I found this page and also have a good friend at work who has been through a D, so it was helpful to me to have both this page and a real person I could talk to.

Toots, I really empathize with you. hang in there. Life DOES get better and the best part is that you will be doing everything for YOU.
Posted By: Pink17 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/19/15 04:26 PM
Hello darling,

Sorry about your brother, it is one of those events in life that will hurt and move with us forever, we just learn how to handle it better and keep it in our hearts.

We had a neighbor that grown up with my kids since very little boy, he was like another son to me and another brother to my kids. Three years ago he took his life and my family was devastated. It still hurts and my kids will never be the same after that.

Toots, I think that we all need to be kind of positive, looking at the positive is nothing wrong and we need to have this right attitude that we will be OK tomorrow because it is the truth.

By other hand, time to time if you are feeling down, crying and angry with this whole situation, then just vent it all here. We are the ones will understand it perfectly, we are the ones that brake in pieces sometimes and we are the ones that pick up those same pieces to put it together to each other.

Just believe that you are not alone, several times a day I think about you and even say to myself that I wish you are doing well, that are feeling better. This board is a Godsend page that is filled with caring thoughts and spontaneous friendship.

Use and abuse us, we are here for you as you are here for us. If the day is sunny and you want to tell jokes, we will smile with you. If it is a gray day and you want to cry out loud and say how much it hurts and that you hate this minute in your life, we will be here to cry with you and lift your spirit.

You know I love you a lot and there is quite a Toots fun club here. By the way, we need to check with Jim if he ordered the T-Shirts "I agree with Toots", I need to send him my payment. Maybe it's allowed to mail a money order to a P.O.Box somewhere.

Love, kisses, hugs, girl talk, all your way today sister.
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/19/15 06:12 PM
Thanks guys - after a bit of a low start, I had a pretty good day really. WFH all day, and really started getting to grips with these work projects. Had a phone catch up with my boss & some general queries. Popped out into town for a walk at lunchtime & just back from a supermarket shop.

No response from L yet and all quiet with H. Enjoyed a peaceful day after a pretty hectic couple of weeks, when I had started to get over tired. Thanks for the vote of confidence in my optimism! I think I just need to match that with letting the feelings out. I don't consciously suppress (unless I'm in the supermarket checkout queue grin) but I don't cry a lot that often. Nor do I get really angry that often. I'm consciously avoiding a whole suitcase of sentimental stuff for now, just because I don't want to face looking at it. Is that bad?

Nor do I want to face looking at H just now. We're collaborating legally, which normally means meeting. TBH I dread that in the circumstances. I worry I wouldn't handle it well, plus I don't want to have my L travelling at £230/hour. I know some of you may feel it's a good idea, given the long NC. I just feel - maybe the best thing is to just never see him again and keep moving forwards. I have asked my L to propose doing the 'collaboration' remotely using conf call and Skype or similar (Edz, are there good free use Skype-like business options out there if my L asks please??)

Dinner is on the go now, so I'll check in later and see if you lot are behaving yourselves... grin
Posted By: edz Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/19/15 07:39 PM
I for one refuse to behave myself wink

Cooking dinner will post a little later toots

Posted By: Pink17 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/19/15 07:57 PM
Totally not behaving myself today. It's raining for so long and so much here I am start behaving like a bad boy in London.

I am hungry but it is just 2pm here.

Bom apetite!

Posted By: edz Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/19/15 08:24 PM
Ahhh dinner done.

Meatballs with chilli and tomato with tagliatelle. Oh and wine! Shiraz Cabernet sauvignon lemon tart and some veg crisps for nibbles.

Watching some YouTube with s.

Skype can be used in business toots with a but, the no commercial use is designed to cover resale so you can't sell it on Skype business adds collaborative business tools but as of my research in December you can use free Skype for business use as long as you don't profit from a resale but I am not a lawyer!
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/20/15 07:40 AM
Thanks Pink and Edz - sounds like you were moderately behaving yourselves! Edz, thanks for the Skype feedback too - I knew you'd be the man for that one! I'm off today and plan to revisit the financial info and make sure all my things are in place for L. I'm having difficulties closing down a dormant bank account that has never been used, and that is a bit frustrating. Need to call the bank today and knock that one on the head.

Just journaling with this one. I feel compared to many on these boards that our M is 'lesser.' Small change instead of notes in marriage currency. We haven't been M for that many years and don't have kids together - although we were a family with SS. I can see with M's like Pinks and RDs and others - where you've been married for years and have 3 or 4 kids between you, it's well worth holding out for change.

But we were just M for 5 years and together for 10+, does that make it a bit daft to be 'standing' as I am? With some other sitches there is such a long history and there will always be contact due to the kids, I can understand it more. I just feel that our M is 'of lower value' in a way. Perhaps it is because H has rejected it so wholeheartedly?

Part of me feels that I'm doggedly holding on and why? Would I actually be happier if we were together again? I don't know. I simply can't see us together again just now. I don't even like him that much at the moment. I read about standing for your M when you don't even feel like it much, and when it's not very pleasant to do, and I guess that's the stage I'm at - a kind of 'well I've started so I'll bloody well finish!' kind of mentality.

Anyway - just what's on my mind this morning. Time to get going now. Have a good day!
Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/20/15 08:37 AM
Hi Toots. I don't think standing for you M is anymore important because of time or children. You love H so that's what matters. I have no doubt Toots could find someone to be very happy with and maybe that's what will happen

When I read a lot of the sitchs on here I often wonder why people stand I read about Toots and honestly think any man would be over the moon to have you in their life. Your attractive , intelligent , good job, loyal , etc.

I believe you stand because you love H and you believe he is in an MLC. ( so do I by the way) ). How long you stand is up to you. As you say kids do keep people in contact and maybe that is a way to reconcile in the long term

Toots , you deserve so much more than you are getting from H at the moment. I would encourge you to stand while your heart tells you it's the right thing for you. Your head may say different but it's your heart that is the real you. Keep on living your life and who knows what the future holds but I'm convinced good things happen to good people and if you and H are meant to be it will happen , if not Prince Charming is waiting for your heart to heal before he appears

Have a great day Rd. xx
Posted By: edz Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/20/15 09:10 AM
Wel goooood morning Toots, still not fully behaving myself today, maybe a bit as its work time, boooo.

For once, shockingly, I dont agree with toots wink your marriage is as important as anyones here, mine included. I agree with RD though everything you've said points (in my limited experience) to depression or MLC, if you can see a future with a changed H then of course you should hold out and stand as long as you choose to.

You'll remember my wobbles earlier this year, do I stand, should I give up, is w moving on or even interested in talking. Well things did move on, long term they look good (of course nothing to say it cant all go sideways this afternoon) if (sometimes frustratingly) slow in the near future, my point is the sitches do change but you can only change your side of it all and from where I sit you've done a fantastic job on that. Of course, ultimately, if you want to draw a line under it and seek new fun times with someone who will be exceedingly lucky to have toots in their life then you should do that.

My advice, for what its worth, is relax and when you feel the most relaxed then think about it not while you're feeling blue or stressed and remember if your marriage is important to you its no more or less deserving of saving than anyone elses smile

Be happy today toots smile

On the bank account front for reasons I wont go into I'd advise having proof of address on the account address and your new one as well as id and going into a branch, they should sort that right out for you. Closing over phone / internet is trickier for fraud reasons.

Take care.

Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/20/15 10:59 AM
RD, thank you. That was such a heart warming post. And Edz, thanks so much to you too. I'm happy to be disagreed with now and again! And thanks for the tip on the bank.

After another fruitless call to the bank, I decided to bite the bullet and drive the 25 mins to my nearest branch. I so wish I had done that in the first place...I now have a closure receipt in hand and confirmation the account has been dormant recently, which I'll need for form E.

H emailed draft details for the house this morning, which all look fine. Weird to see them, but there we go. He said he will get things going with the lawyer and apologised for being slow. He said that, as usual he just can't seem to face difficult things. (Hmm, well it's you that wants the D, H - not me.) I was either just going to ignore that comment, or maybe just validate. I'll let him know the details are fine.

Okay.....on to form E now.... crazy
Posted By: Cadet Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/20/15 12:27 PM
STAND for yourself,
beginners mind,
babies stand before they can walk.
Same applies to you,
stand and make TOOTS whole and healed and
the person only a fool would leave.

Then it does not matter what he does!
Posted By: Zelda09 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/20/15 01:02 PM
Thinking of you Toots. Just got caught up on your thread.
I am excited about what lies ahead for you.
Posted By: Pink17 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/20/15 05:24 PM

Just now that we were thinking to get that wonderful T-shirt for the fan club "I agree with Toots", then it is revealed that we do no agree in all her comments.

Toots, just another example on how human beings as complicated and so well wired to be different.

Sometimes, I see a kind of sitch like yours and I think that it is so cool that you have the chance to do so much stuff on your on and do not worry about being there and being responsible for other young lives.

I feel that it gives you a better chance to improve yourself faster and even take your own decision as you want to. But yet, you see that having the kids can give you some leverage.

I have been married for 18 years and change now. It counts, but I am not sure in which way. I can see that we built more history together but I can also see that I wasted more time believing in someone that left me to be with another person. The wound is basically the same, no matter the time. What matters really is how much love was in there and is left inside us.

My kids are asking me over and over for me to just let go and do not sick any reconciliation with their father. It brakes my heart to hear all their reasons on why they do not want to have him back. So just for having the kids, I have been questioning myself if I stand for my M or just let go for good.

I think the point is that Divorce is a very difficult time in anyone's life. That's why it is compared to death and has the whole death consequences too, we hurt, feel super sad, need to forget and forgive, need to keep going one day at a time, in one single day you fell good, feel bad, cry and laugh, we get depressed, anxious, we just want to disappear and sometimes we force ourselves to move forward, to meet people, work, get better at something. WE GRIEVE...

The fact that you feel this way is pretty much that right now there is a lot of salt being poured into the wound and it's hurting. Once it's all done, then you will be able to deal with the pain, not just stand for the torture.

I feel for you, and for us all. We have been changing and it's also the reason for so much doubt now. We can see a little more clear that it was not all our fault and there were so many things that we did not like so much.

We start having doubts if a reconciliation would be the best choice because we learned that a R must be nurtured. cultivated and we are not sure if the other side of the orange would engage into learning this or they would be just the same as before, and then we risk to go through the pain another round.

Please, do not think your M is less important and has less weight then other people's M. It's the LOVE connection that counts.

I know it is difficult, I feel that I have an angry dragon inside of me, burning and hurting every single piece of my body. I feel like I would like to take this thing out of me and feel good again. Right now, we need to get ourselves through it, and there is no other option besides doing it.

I hope you will be kind with yourself because you will need. We will always be here for you. I also understand that sometimes it feel very empty, but I am thankful I can share my pain with someone like you. We learned to love you Toots, and you can be sure we think about you every day, many times a day.

Lots of hugs for you today. (((((((((((Toots)))))))))))

Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/20/15 08:20 PM
Thanks Guys.....Cadet, you are right, and your words do give me confidence. And Z, thanks for stopping by - yes hopefully good things are around the corner for me.

And Pink, thank you - someone else who disagrees with me! I guess there are pros and cons to every sitch aren't there. For me, I'm quite enjoying the single life with few responsibilities, although I regret there's been an impact on SS. Looking forward to seeing him and his Mum this holiday weekend. I'm off to theirs Monday for dinner.

Well, I approved our house details from the estate agent today. H said he'd get things going with the L and "sorry to be slow - as usual I just can't seem to face difficult things." I just replied - sorry you're finding it hard to face the legal stuff - it's not easy, but I'm sure we'll get through it..

I'm feeling quite good about things, because I managed to almost finish the big financial form today. Popped in to see the parents then yoga class this evening & working away tomorrow..pretty good day really smile
Posted By: gan Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/20/15 08:34 PM
Hello from Uganda, Toots. Been following along but a bit difficult to find time to chime in from here. Just wanted to say I very much empathize with you re keeping up appearances, bottling up, questioning why we continue to stand etc. I look forward to talking through these things with you a little more when I get back. For now ((((Toots)))). You've shown amazing resilience so far. I'm sure you will manage these next few steps just fine.
Posted By: Bob723 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/21/15 04:46 AM

You are such an amazing woman, Toots. I wish there were some way I could give you a real hug. I, too, am sorry to hear about your brother. I have a sister who suffers from the same mental illness your brother did.

You have had such a roller coaster ride--not one that you asked to ride on. I marvel at how you handle yourself, with such grace. You deserve to be happy and be with someone who will repect you. I admire you for trying so hard to keep your M together.

Thank you for checking on me and all the great advice, especially the text I sent to my W last night.

All, what would we do without our Dear Toots?

Please take care of yourself, ok? If you ever need anything, pop into my thread, to vent, whatever it is. I'll do my best to help you!


Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/21/15 08:18 PM
Hi Gan and Bob - thanks for stopping by. Gan - my sitch sister - I realised today that I haven't actually seen H in over nine months - unbelievable!! Hope your trip goes well. And Bob, thanks for your kind post - I would love a big hug!! Well, it was a busy day for me. I was working away and had a meeting this morning, plus a hearing this afternoon and drove back down here after that.

I'm at the book store tomorrow morning and then Mum-sitting later on. Going out for an early dinner with a new female friend on Saturday night and then off to see SS and his Mum on Monday. Feeling better within myself than I did over the weekend. More settled and accepting that the house is going to be sold and the legal stuff (and possibly H filing for D) will start and so on.

Not much I can do about any of that, but will keep moving forward and I'm clear on my fundamentals. I don't want a D. I won't file for D. I do want a fair settlement. I do want us to sell the house. I do remain open to considering a reconciliation. But I won't live in an open M. I want to keep in touch with SS. One nice thing about being an LBS is you can be crystal clear on many things. I don't think the WAS gets to feel that way!!
Posted By: Vanilla Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/21/15 08:34 PM

I agree with you, this is how you feel then that is as it is. These lovely folks love you enough to disagree with you. Both stances are 100% correct, an amazing lady is hurting. But that's ok. It is OK to hurt Toots, it is what you are doing with that.

I really believe that unwanted or not, this is as it is.

Toots, it will be alright in the end and as mama G says if it's not alright it's not the end and besides the fat lady hasn't sung yet.

Much love and support

Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/22/15 12:23 PM
HinToots just to say hello and I hope you having a good day

Take care. Rd
Posted By: Bob723 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/23/15 04:40 AM
Originally Posted By: Toots
Hi Gan and Bob - thanks for stopping by. Gan - my sitch sister - I realised today that I haven't actually seen H in over nine months - unbelievable!! Hope your trip goes well. And Bob, thanks for your kind post - I would love a big hug!! Well, it was a busy day for me. I was working away and had a meeting this morning, plus a hearing this afternoon and drove back down here after that.
Hello Toots,

You're welcome, and I could use an extra-big hug tonight.

I hope you are doing better.


Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/23/15 08:00 AM
Thanks guys! Probs with iPad - white screen only....arghh!! May not post much until sorted. Email from H today with link to house online. Now for sale...&. Some comment about the market & he'll let me know of any updates ASAP & if I want info, just let him know.

Thanked me for sending something he asked for. Said he contacted his L this week. Confirmed yes, we'll get through the legal part - said its hard though. Told me his & SSs plans today. All very helpful, businessy & some warmth too.

I'll send a brief response to him at some point.....have a good day all. X
Posted By: twinmom Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/23/15 12:02 PM
Odd comment here but I think you need to see H. A completely non legal, whoops didn't "plan" on running into you today meeting.
Just my random $.02 thought of the day.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/23/15 01:15 PM
Just wanted to stop in and let you know I'm thinking of you. Hoping you find some peace as your house sale moves forward. You are doing fabulous! smile
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/23/15 01:37 PM
Hi Twin, he's a couple of hours away - I don't think I can engineer that. Somehow, I just don't feel like seeing him. If we were thinking of reconciling - absolutely. But otherwise - I think it may be best to never see him again & just move on.

I get what you're saying. And maybe it could change things if we saw each other. But it has been so long - and TBH, I still feel so raw I'm not sure I could handle it well. Plus I have no idea about OWs or anything....

Thanks for suggesting though smile
Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/23/15 02:42 PM
H Toots m I was thinkng along the same lines as Twinmum to be honest. I think H needs reminding what he is losing Just my 2'cents worth

Take care. Rd
Posted By: Pink17 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/24/15 02:14 AM
Hi T,

As much as it feels and seem to be very final, it is amazing that it is not there yet, and you are still on the front line.

Is there any way you can stop feeling so done and lost? and then think of how to shake things a little bit.

It may not change anything, it may be just a foolish gesture to show up and talk to him in person, but it is something and after 9 months maybe it could be just on move in the chess board.

What you have to lose? I know that by were I am sitting things may seem a little easier, but you are strong and has proven you can handle a lot of tough situations.

Check with you inner self and ask if this would be a fight you want to invest. If so, GAME ON...

Since I wrote a lot, and gave you a big idea, I think this are my $$$ dollars worth. And the second apt is full price, kkkkk.

Love you beautiful,
Posted By: twinmom Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/24/15 03:11 AM
Running into him somewhere isn't pursuing.... You don't have to worry about if OW is still in the picture. Think of it this way if it helps you...
Show your H what he lost. Picture yourself walking by him on the street wearing something TOTALLY unlike the old Toots and looking FABULOUS! As in "ha, aren't YOU an idiot to walk away from THIS awesomeness!"
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/24/15 06:27 AM
Thanks Guys. I get where you're coming from & understand that although I am DBing, I'm also not reattracting H. I'll give it some thought. For sure, I don't feel like doing it at all - and it kind of stresses me out that you suggest it & I would have to face him. Equally, would I regret if there were something I didn't try? And have I just run away & am still running?

The idea of dressing up & engineering a 'oops, just bumped into you' moment just doesn't appeal really. I truly cant see me doing that. It would feel easier to chat by phone or meet for coffee - but both are pursuit. Part of it is pride I think & part fear & just easier to stay away...

I guess I'll mull it over some more....thanks for checking in. GALed at the bookstore yesterday, then had dinner with a new female friend, which was nice. Cooking lunch for the parents today.Have a good day all x
Posted By: twinmom Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/24/15 01:41 PM
Just remember DB'ing is a big melting pot of things to try. "Do what works"...... Just building up your own new life isn't working so maybe it's time to try a little something else.

Please remind me of the 180's that you were thinking about.... (sorry my brain isn't functioning right now as I know you have stated your H's "complaints" before)
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/24/15 05:48 PM
Hi Twin, after BD we talked quite a bit until I discovered DBing and stopped initiating contact. At this time, I made a list of what seemed to be in 'my box, his box and our box' to work on..

Suppressing own needs & wishes to please others. "I'm a father, husband, employee - but who am I?"
Letting little problems build up into larger ones by not raising/tackling them
Not looking after himself & making himself happy
Long term feelings of "profound loneliness" - possible depression. His own family are in US and he misses them.
Feeling that he would have liked us to have a family together.

Trying to be a perfect wife, stepmum, employee - rather than just being me
Not truly saying how I feel about things (eg: not always easy to step parent etc.)
Losing touch with my sense of fun - H described me as "buttoned up/corporate." Also, a bit too involved in 'organising' stuff - forgetting to just go with the flow....
Not understanding degree of H's unhappiness
Not dressing up/making the most of my assets (H feels I'm very attractive - would like to see me dress more provocatively)

We have always been pretty 'low conflict' - both quite accommodating. We've both struggled to raise and resolve issues & we suppress things.
Our love life had become 'routine' - H described it as 'functional' - we lost spontaneity
Relationship has suffered from H working away 3 days/week, long commute & high pressure job - not much energy to do things
Realised we need to communicate better about deeper things.

For me a big 180 has been to not jump in and try to 'fix.' I realised that I tend to think I know best, and that's just crazy. I try to just listen more now.

I've also been working on my perfection tendencies. I try to go with the flow much more now and expect less of myself. I'm trying not to be so driven to 'get things done' and 'just be.'

I was never that sure about the provocative dressing comment, but I feel I look pretty good most of the time. I always put on make up and blow dry my hair and so on. I have changed my look to an extent, but nothing major and TBH I'm pretty happy with how I look.

Another big 180 has been the limited contact, brief and pleasant responses, responding not leading, sitting back, patience. All of this is huge for me!

And finally, I have become more outward looking. I feel I became quite insular with our family and stopped doing many social things. I have started doing that again and have met many new people since we S.

Does that help?? :-)
Posted By: gan Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/25/15 12:55 PM
Hello, Toots. Had been keeping up to an extent while in Uganda but need to re-read to understand where things are at for you.

For now, I'm just really struck by how similar that list above is to what I would have written about me/us. Actually, I just pulled out my journal just now and am reminded that H said some of those exact things about me (he wants more fun/spontaneity, less "administration"). Makes me wonder if the whole "vanishing act" that you and I are faced with is just part of this dynamic. I mean, is NC just more of the same low conflict, non-deep communication? Last time I saw my H he did state that not having had a deep conversation in a long while was one of the reasons for staying his course.

I look forward to seeing if anyone has any ideas for you... It's tricky because we are both so close to filing time and I fear speeding up that process with a wrong move. Still, the NC hasn't really done much for us has it?
Posted By: Bob723 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/25/15 05:00 PM
Originally Posted By: Toots
I was never that sure about the provocative dressing comment, but I feel I look pretty good most of the time. I always put on make up and blow dry my hair and so on. I have changed my look to an extent, but nothing major and TBH I'm pretty happy with how I look.

Another big 180 has been the limited contact, brief and pleasant responses, responding not leading, sitting back, patience. All of this is huge for me!
Hi {{{Toots}}}

If you are happy with how you look, I think enough sais about that. Good for you!! grin

If my wife was happy with how she looked, I felt happy.

The limited contact is a big step, Toots. Yay for you!!

I was curious how yor weekend went, so I felt I had to check in. Also, (I hope you don't mind) I could use your expert advice. I posted in my thread about 15 minutes ago. I apologize for the brief hi-jacking of your thread.

Take care of yourself, Toots!


Posted By: Bob723 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/25/15 07:29 PM
Hi Toots,

I just read your post in my thread. I am laughing so hard, you are a very funny woman. I love your wit!!

Yes, you did miss the party. And, the house is about as tidy it's been in months. So, you had great advice about that a few days ago and I get to benefit from a cleaner house. Yay!

How are you today, Toots? It seems like you have your sense of humor going strong today!! grin

I wish I could give you a real, friendy hug. I guess this will have to do:


Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/25/15 07:39 PM
Thanks Bob - glad you like my jokes grin

I had a good day thanks. Bookstore this morning & a good chat with a new male friend.....he's a nice guy, and has asked if I'm dating right now & I said no - not now & likely not for a while.

This pm I drove up to see SS & his mum. Had an early dinner & a nice time. No news about H, other than she told me he seems to be having a tough time right now. The convo moved on & there were no further details.

I'm at my hotel now & will be working tomorrow....catch up soon! :-)
Posted By: edz Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/26/15 12:42 PM
Hi Toots

Firstly large hug from bft and I glad yesterday was a better one. It sounds to me like you're doing all the things you can and focussing on the most important thing "that works" and thats ensuring you are the best tootling toots you can be. With people, activities,work and all the small loves in your life that make it shine and affect you.

Sitches change, the direction well sometimes unpredictable (my last two months I would have laughed if someone wrote down and sent to me in January!) not the same I know and its also not always the outcome we would want which is why toots should put toots and mog first and then work on the rest exactly as you are doing (to mix my narrative forms all over the place!)

Hope you and mog are doing well day to day, take it easy my friend and thanks for your post on my thread smile

Edz & BFT
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/26/15 07:29 PM
Hi Toots!

Just popping by since you visited me today. Thanks for your comments. I agree with what Edz said above and I don't think I can say it better, so just know I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Take it one day at a time and hang in there. smile
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/26/15 07:59 PM
Hi all. Edz, thank you very much for your kind post. I felt very touched by what you wrote, and it helped me today. Often I feel that my sitch is 'so much worse than most.' But I'm sure many of us feel that. And the fact is, some sitches turn - some don't but some do... Plus I need to remember the rule to never give up hope no matter how dark or bleak things seem. And Dawn, thanks for stopping by - always good to hear from you - I admire your optimism and verve...

I've had a good day anyway. I'm enjoying my new working regime and had a nice night away in my hotel. I had a lovely room and they have agreed to book me into that one in coming weeks. I'll be there a night each week for the next little while. Work seems to be going well & I'm getting a couple of big new projects underway. A little texting to and fro with SS and his Mum - some jokes about last night & so on..nice...

All quiet on the sitch front. Emailed my L a week ago and haven't heard back from her. Will follow that up this week. Nothing from H at all - tho he was also gearing up with his L - to do what I'm not sure, but possibly filing for D. I'm off tomorrow and helping my Dad with a few things, and then yoga GAL later on. Catch up with you all soon xx

Posted By: Vanilla Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/26/15 11:03 PM

Things move very slowly and you still stand for you.

That is ok, you know you can stand still in the silence and at peace. You can let H do the running on the D.

It's fine to be who you are, it's ok to be Toots, it's perfectly acceptable to satisfy yourself. You can grow in any direction, take your choices, decide to be any version of Toots you want to be.

This is your power and it belongs to you.

Posted By: jim0987 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/26/15 11:34 PM
Hi Toots,

I've not had a chance to catch up on your thread yet but just wanted to say hi and wish you well
Posted By: edz Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/27/15 10:15 AM
Hi Toots, you're very welcome indeed my friend.

As V said above its fine to be you for you, indeed getting myself out of a depressive pit and sorted out has been one, if not the most important, elements bar relationship with s to getting where I am. You have and are doing this, keep on tootling.

Lots of positive thoughts including hairy ones from BFT to you and mog.

Posted By: Pink17 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/27/15 12:24 PM
Hi Toots,

I kind of feel the same way about my sitch, not much happening and that feeling that there is not a sense of hope any longer.

What you said is very important, we need to remember to keep that hope somewhere. I have been reading TO's tread when I have some time and it's amazing how many dark days she had during the turmoil of separation.

You are doing an amazing job for yourself and your life. It's all very upsetting, but you manage to challenge yourself and have a better day tomorrow. You are meeting new people and learning how to be a better person for yourself and for others.

I really believe that as hard as it is now, that you will find comfort and happiness in the life you are building for yourself.

And like Edz says, how would know the outcome of his sitch a few months ago. It still gets me to see how things change from so dark to better days.

And how is your mom doing these days?

Have a nice day lovely,
Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/27/15 06:24 PM
Hi Toots. Just picking up on what Vanillia has posted. Toots is great , your standing for your M is great and how your getting on with your life is great. Do you see a pattern here ? Nothing is wrong with Toots , your GREAT.

I'm not trying to get you to date or anything like it but I was very glad to see you were asked out. I hope this gave you a little boost because it should have !!

Toots is a catch. Your life ahead is what you make of it and obviously we will support you 100%. I admire you in so many ways and your strength that you show , even when your down , is incredible

Take care. Rd
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/27/15 07:14 PM
So many lovely DB friends have stopped by - thank you! V, Edz and RD - thanks for your comments - all on a similar theme and all about living life for me just now. You know, I am and in many ways I'm enjoying it. I'm also so sad about the demise of our marriage which is partly outside of my control just now. But I remain open to possibilities for the time being. And Jim, thanks for your good wishes too.

It is on my mind a little that HXW says he is having a tough time just now? What does that mean? IDK...and I know - best not to wonder! I emailed him today. Ages ago, he bought me an iphone as a present and he set up the contract. It's still in his name and I want to get it moved over now. I rang them, but he needs to initiate that. I haven't heard back from him yet.

Although I wasn't working today, it was a busy day. My dad had to replace his car due to Mum's mobility, so I'm selling it for him. I went up this morning to give it the once over and do the advert. Then I rang my L. Apparently my email to her went missing, so I re-sent it and called in today with 'form E' (completed in draft) and all documents. She's back in tomorrow, so that should get the £ disclosure process started. Of course, H may decide to file for D in the meantime, but so be it.

I'm just back from yoga, which was nice as always. And Pink, thanks for asking after my Mum. I just heard from Mum's carer that she is very lacklustre tonight, so I'm concerned about her just now. She is so frail and I worry that we may lose her soon. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she rallies.

Thanks for stopping by my lovely DB friends. xx
Posted By: jim0987 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/27/15 08:44 PM
Hi Toots,

So i've caught up on your thread now and it seems that a few bits have gone on in my absence (sorry, i've not been around to agree with you)

you've got a lot going on with your mum and the financials and a new job etc. (and you need your H to get the iPhone sorted)

I was looking back at your list of his box and your box and i could relate to plenty of what was in there. what i would say though is that in a relationship, if you are both in 100% then all the issues are both your issues. I would be tempted to ask some questions of you here but i dont think its really the right time given everything else that is going on in Toots' world

As for your H well what you do next depends a lot on how you feel. arranging to meet for a coffee to discuss the financials and all kinds of other stuff may help, it may change the dynamic but ultimately its how you feel about it and whether you could face it.

For you (and gan, and to a much lesser extent me) there is that lingering question that says we've settled into a routine of completely seperate lives so is there anyway to make positive changes to the dynamic without crowding or pursuing. but that to an extent i think is answered by the reactions we are getting from what limited communications there have been.

for me what helped has helped has been the acceptance pack on the headspace app. i feel like if i accept it is all over and there is nothing i can do then i will make all of my decisions on that basis (not that some of my recent decisions have been great, but still.....).

one day things might change but since long before BD my XW (despite what she has said) has controlled all the timescales so I can either wait or live my life (I prefer the latter)

I know you know all of this, you are after all the marvellous Toots but i wanted to say it anyway.

I hope your mum picks up quickly

Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/27/15 09:56 PM
Hi Toots. Sorry to read about your mums lacklustre. I'm Sending positive thoughts accros Please stop thinking about D papers , if they come so be it and if they don't , so be it. Either way it just another step that may mean everything or may mean nothing

I'm glad Jim finally agrees your marvellous !!!!!!!

Take care Rd xx
Posted By: jim0987 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/28/15 05:08 AM
I never said she wasn't :p
Posted By: Clairee Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/28/15 07:33 AM
Toots I have finally caught up with your sitch & I just have to say you are a remarkable woman. You have shown grace, courage & dignity throughout. You are an inspiration. Take care & keep tootling along!!
Posted By: gan Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/28/15 12:05 PM
Just checking in, Toots, and wanting to wish you well. My fingers are crossed for your mum, too. You've got a lot on your plate so do please take care of yourself.
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/28/15 12:23 PM
Guys, thanks so much for your good wishes! Mum's much brighter today & was able to go to Day Centre - really pleased after how poor she seemed yesterday.

WFH today, so just dropping in briefly during lunch. No GAL plans for me today - just work & chores. Bookstore tomorrow though!!

Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/28/15 06:52 PM
Take care of yourself! You have a lot on your plate, but you are handling it all like a champ. Positive thoughts and prayers coming your way from me and Molly.

Bookstore...THAT is my kinda evening! Enjoy and buy yourself something good. smile
Posted By: Vanilla Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/28/15 10:07 PM
Prayers for your mum today

Posted By: Pink17 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/29/15 03:25 AM
Hi Toots,

This princess is becoming a real Queen now. Solid positions, getting yourself in a better place.

And since you starting feeling more yourself, you will increase the positive feelings and with that you will attract good people, nice people that may be good for you and will help you to keep moving forward.

You are doing so well T, even if you have bad days, crying ones too, you are still a very strong and courageous woman.

Mom is also going through her good and bad days. We need to pray that her life will be made of more good ones and that your dad will keep strong to help her along the way.

Thanks for always being there for me Toots, you have been helping a lot.

Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/29/15 06:30 PM
Ladies - thanks for visiting. Dawn, I did buy a little something - for me, and a gift for Mum. V, thanks for your good wishes amidst your own troubles. Mum is much better. Seems like it was a water infection & antibiotics underway now. And Pink, thanks for your kind words. I have had a better week this week - last week was a tougher one for me, but I feel more settled again now.

Bookstore GAL this am and mum-sitting just now - nice day. H came back to me on transferring my iPhone acct from him to me. He rang them & we need to be on the phone together to resolve things. He's going to look into us calling them as a conference call - should be interesting!! It's a little opportunity for us to interact anyway. If we struggle with this plan, I may suggest meeting up for coffee & sorting it out that way.

I'm at an all day Calligraphy workshop tomorrow - should be nice. I realised that some GAL really takes a while to get off the ground, but once you have 'got a life' - it's great!

Take care all! Xxx
Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/29/15 08:56 PM
Sounding good Toots and I'm really pleased about the possible interaction with H. I'm my humble opinion H needs to see what he is losing and maybe see another option to his current way

Take care. Rd
Posted By: Fogg Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/29/15 09:16 PM
Originally Posted By: Toots
I'm at an all day Calligraphy workshop tomorrow

I always like seeing what people end up doing in their GAL, so many awesome, interesting things you would never think about.

Hope you enjoy it, Toots.
Posted By: Pink17 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/30/15 11:20 AM
Hi T,

You go Girl!!! Always with some amazing GAL. I hope you enjoy it. I had some Calligraphy class in college, and at that time I was not very passionate about it, but I remember it was fun at some sort. Hope you enjoy it.

I think it would be nice to meet your H for a coffee, but in the same time, if you are not ready for it, then better to leave things as they are.

Lately, I got to the conclusion that I gain more if not showing then if I meet H every here and there. The no contact makes me stronger and confident. Every time there is an interactions with H, then things fall apart.

So, follow you heart on this one, if it feels like, go for it. If not, then let life deal with life events.

Hope you have a lovely weekend. And, I am sending my prayers and good thoughts to you mom and dad.

Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/30/15 01:17 PM
Calligraphy sounds like a great GAL. Glad your mom is better and that you are able to get out and enjoy something just for you. Hopefully you can get your iphone stuff straightened out. We had to deal with that same issue, but once we got it worked out, it was all good.

Have a great weekend!
Posted By: Bob723 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/30/15 05:25 PM
Originally Posted By: Fogg
Originally Posted By: Toots
I'm at an all day Calligraphy workshop tomorrow

I always like seeing what people end up doing in their GAL, so many awesome, interesting things you would never think about.

Hope you enjoy it, Toots.
Dearest Toots,

I'm sorry, I’ve been extremely busy and haven’t been on the DB Forum much at all for a few days, I finally got caught up last night on the Newcomers forum. After I was in bed, I realized I forgot to check in on your sitch. Bad Bob! LOL.

So, I caught up with your sitch, and I feel you as handling things are well as humanly possible. I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I thought Fogg had a wonderful point. I have found this to be true as well. Things I never thought of.

I came across this verse yesterday and would like to share it with you:

“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).

I hope you enjoy the Calligraphy workshop.

Many, many *Hugs* coming your way from me! smile

Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/30/15 06:10 PM
Thanks so much RD, Fogg, Pink, Dawn and Bob - kind of you to stop by. I did have a nice day thanks. I belong to a calligraphy group and they hold a Saturday workshop once a month - I don't go to them all, just the ones I fancy. I'm actually a terrible calligrapher - I never practice between workshops and it's a little embarrassing. But they are a nice group and I enjoy going. Today we did screen printing on fabric which was fun.

I'm interested to read the sitches of DBers on a similar timeline to me. It seems that many of us are questioning whether we actually want the M back. We know it would be hard work and is that what we want? Plus there are the difficult feelings to overcome and so on. I guess some of us will heal together with our WAS's and some will heal alone. We just don't know who will do what yet. I think the main thing is to live a good life and do what is needed for ourselves to recover from the heartache and trauma.

Nothing further from H today. I'm pleased that we'll have an interaction this week. Not because I look forward to talking to him - more because I'm a little worried about being avoidant with him. Thinking some more about 'engineering a meeting' - I don't feel at all inclined to dress up and run around the country in the hope of bumping into him. But I think it will be good for me not to dismiss opportunities that DO arise. TBH part of me feels like just walking away and never having to speak or look at him ever again - and I realise that probably isn't healthy. That's just me in scaredy flight mode I think.

Having an evening in tonight, and my Dad is cooking lunch for us tomorrow. Then I may go to aerobics in the evening, but with travelling Monday morning I don't always feel like doing that TBH and I'm not pushing myself just now. I started to feel over tired a week or so ago and work needs to be my priority just now...

Have a nice evening all xx
Posted By: Bob723 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/30/15 08:20 PM
You're welcome, Toots! I'm so happy that you had a nice day. Hooray!!!

Have a nice evening, too. grin

xoxoxoxo (How about that? LOL)

Your friend,

Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/31/15 08:14 AM
Hi Toots. Glad you had a nice day Thanks so much for the hugs on my thread , it means a lot and I always look forward to your posts.

Re meeting H , I completely get the flight reflex but it's not what your heart wants right now so if there are interactions then I would urge you to make the most of them. For me , I would always advise going down every avenue to see if reconciliation is possible. I have no doubt Toots could meet her Prince Charming but at the same time Toots doesn't want any regrets re H because they will always be there and maybe affect your R with the Prince. !!

Have a good lunch with the family and take care. Rd. xx
Posted By: Bob723 Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/31/15 06:23 PM
How are you today, Toots?


Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 05/31/15 08:39 PM
Hi Bob and RD, thanks for dropping by. I'm doing fine thanks - it's been a busy day. Mum had a little fall this morning, but was okay thankfully. Had lunch with the parents and then did a few jobs here, then out to aqua aerobics tonight and just finished chatting to a friend on the phone.

Couple of texts from H about arranging the phone stuff next week. Looks like we are going to try and do a conf. call to the phone co. on Thursday to get the phone transferred over to me.

I'm working away tomorrow, so just a quick check on the boards before I sort out my stuff and head off to bed. Hope you guys had a good day too. Take care xx
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/01/15 08:21 PM
Posting on phone, so will be brief. Working away today....busy one & coffee with a colleague after work. Then off to hotel. All quiet with sitch. Couple texts to & fro with H. Notice he takes ages to read my texts just now 24+ hours. That's a new thing. He's normally pretty prompt.....

Working again tomorrow & travelling home in the pm. Hope you guys are all doing well?? Xx
Posted By: Pink17 Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/02/15 06:23 AM
Hi Toots,

I am sorry to hear about your mom. It is so dangerous at some age, anything goes wrong and it lasts a long time to heal. It's good nothing serious happen. Your dad seems like a sweet pie, cooking lunch for his girls, so sweet.

Your commute to and from work seems tiring, hope you are getting enough rest once you are back to your flat. Maybe getting some nap with your cat?

And as you posted before, we are in a similar situation. In a D process and walking the final line. What will happen is hard to know for sure, but I don't have much hope these days.

The only option really, is to get busy with our GAL, and try to make the best moving forward. I am happy I have this board to give me the strength to see all the positive that may be ahead of us in our lives.

Sometimes the hole in my heart is so big, I feel it is hard to do anything. But then there is always someone cheering us up and then it is another day.

Hope you always keep the strength and grace that you had since the beginning of this big turmoil. Life will some day smile at us again and we will have some peace in our hearts.

You are a strong woman and I wish the best for you always.

With love,
Posted By: edz Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/02/15 10:24 AM
Hi Toots

sorry to hear your Mum has been having a tough time of late, sounds like work is pretty demanding on you as well right now but that can be a channel sometimes for keeping from too much introspection, or I found it that at times anyway.

Yup I'd agree on the timeline thing. As you know earlier in the year/late last year I thought along those lines but I think thats healthy as it either leads you to the conclusion that yes you still want your m/oh as much/more than ever (albeit working on not "needing" them as I had to learn through detachment) or that your destination to be the best you that you can be may not lead along those lines. Those are points I think we do all go through and also that onyl we can know and believe in for ourselves.

Anyway, busy busy one here and need to hed out to run errands at lunch so better get on. (((((Toots))))) and mog, take it easy and keep on tootling smile
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/02/15 08:11 PM
Hi Edz and Pink, thanks for stopping by, and for your kind comments. Busy couple of days for me at work. I enjoyed it though. We had some good laughs in the office today and I had my first meeting with our new team this afternoon. Mum is in respite this week and Dad is away on a little trip, so it will be a quieter week than usual. Luckily I have some GAL plans though...

Tomorrow, I'm catching up with some washing and then yoga later. Thurs, I'll be WFH and then off to the Apple store early evening to see if they can fix my poorly ipad. Friday is bookstore, then out with a new friend in the evening. And Saturday, I'm off out for the day with an old friend and her son - all very nice.

Thursday, I think H and I will be sorting this phone thing. It all feels a bit bizarre...we haven't spoken since Jan/Feb (can't exactly recall when) and we'll sit together on this conf. call waiting for the telecoms provider to pick up?? Oh well, I'm sure we'll get through it. No news from my L. I took the financial paperwork in last Thurs, so I'll maybe follow up on that later this week to get an idea of timescales.

Hope you guys are all well xx
Posted By: gan Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/03/15 11:56 AM
Sounds like you've got a good couple of days planned, Toots. Hope the phone thing gets sorted without too much trouble.
Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/03/15 01:11 PM
Hi Toots your sounding upbeat and that's nice to hear Out with a new friend , sould we know more ??? The call may be a bit weird but I'm sure you will handle just fine. Good to hear your dad is getting a break

Take care. Rd
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/03/15 02:58 PM
Thanks Gan and RD...no RD, she's female! We've been out once before already. I met her at the ladies social group I joined. She texted and asked if I wanted to go to a psychic evening tomorrow, and in the spirit of accepting invitations I said yes. I'm not really into that kind of thing, but I'll give it a whirl you know.... grin
Posted By: Clairee Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/03/15 03:49 PM
Have fun tomorrow night!! A friend of mine hired one of those palm/card reader people for her birthday a couple of years ago. It made for a very laugh filled night. She revealed nothing I didn't already know or was generic & common sense stuff, but we all had a good time listening to her 'read' everyone. I was very disappointed she didn't see large sums of $$ & a Tahiti vacation in my future. Guess I'll have to keep saving for that...lol
Posted By: Pink17 Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/03/15 05:47 PM
Hi Toots,

Glad you can get yourself moving and doing fun stuff. You have been detaching so well. I understand you still stand for your M, but you are calmer now and the world is getting better for you.

I wonder what your WAH thinks these days. I know we shouldn't wonder about any of their crazy head thinking. But it should drive someone confused if they hear the S wants to work on the M, still have love and yet keep so distant and is having a life.

The only thing that comes to my mind is that he will always see you as a strong woman. And that is actually a very good thing.

I envy you in a good way, I wish I could have the strength to stand firm on my life, but I am still very sensitive and going on cheeseless tunnels sometimes. Not really that H sees it, but I need to be honest with myself and I know I am not detaching much the way I am supposed to.

Keep the good in your life Toots, you are an amazing woman and deserve all the happiness in the world. Cheering for you, like Edz says... Keep on Tootling.

Posted By: Vanilla Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/03/15 11:57 PM
I am very keen to know about the calligraphy course.

I believe in spirit but not in spiritualists. I reserve the right on ghosts to think they have better things to do than haunt the living.

How is your mum at the moment? I have said a prayer and included a votive.

Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/04/15 04:00 PM
Thanks for stopping by Tweets, Pink and V! Well, H and I spoke today for the first time in a few months as part of getting this phone transferred into my name. We did the transfer, then I decided I would give him a call to say thanks and clarify what will happen next with the account.

We chatted for 15 minutes or so. I had written myself a note with STFU at the top and some conversational Qs to ask. It was a pleasant chat with a couple of laughs...all very upbeat. I tried to STFU and listen. That doesn't come naturally to me though TBH it wasn't hard because he talked about himself quite a bit and hardly asked about me!

He starts his new job on Monday and will be working Mon-Fri with an hours+ commute each day. He's not looking forward to it having just had 4 months off. He says his flatmate (male) is unsympathetic when he complains about this. In recent months he has learned a new skill and also done some volunteering. Sounded like he really enjoyed both, and has made the most of the time off. He didn't sound low or depressed.

We talked a little about my work and working pattern. He told me we had a viewing on the house and he's disappointed we haven't had more. He doesn't plan to go up there much from now on due to the new work regime. SS will travel down to see him now and then (big difference to having SS every weekend...)

We didn't touch on any 'difficult' areas at all, and there was no real 'personal' chat - more like colleagues who get on well & haven't seen each other for a while. He sounded pleased to be having a little chat. I ended the convo, saying I needed to get back to work. I think it all went reasonably well. Weird to talk though. His voice is so intensely familiar, and yet we are so far apart now... frown It's hard to feel hopeful for our sitch TBH - I look at others sitches and feel more hope for theirs than ours, but maybe many of us feel that way?

Tweets, thanks for your kind comments. It's nice to be thought of as courageous and persevering. I don't always feel that way! And Pink...always lovely to hear from you. Don't be hard on yourself. We are all learning and it isn't easy. I may sound pretty detached, but I don't always feel it. When I go to bed is the time I always think of H. V, the calligraphy was a screen printing workshop. We did big letters and cut them into a stencil, then printed onto fabric. I did Live, laugh, love in three colours on a big cushion which looks lovely on my bed.

Well, I'm off to see Apple shortly....see if the techies can fix my ipad. Catch you all later xx
Posted By: Vanilla Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/04/15 04:09 PM
Big letters.

I think I should have STFU on my pillow.

Posted By: Fogg Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/04/15 10:44 PM
Originally Posted By: Toots
I look at others sitches and feel more hope for theirs than ours, but maybe many of us feel that way?

I think it is, I know I feel the same way quite often.
Posted By: Pink17 Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/05/15 05:40 AM
Hi T,

I quite often feel that way too. But then when I read the ones that actually made it, I also see that the LBS there was feeling the same way.

The truth is that all sitches are like Edz says, it can change very drastically and very fast.

I guess we are doing what we can at the moment, as time goes by we will feel less and less the sharp pain. It will always be there, but will get easier.

Who knows, maybe one day we will all be happy talking about our new adventures.

Keep the good work Toots. It is not easy but you are doing an amazing work to make your life better.

Posted By: gan Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/05/15 12:29 PM
G'day Toots. Glad to hear the phone conversation went well. I know what you mean about the voice being intensely familiar but so very distant. Must have been strange after so long.

In terms of hope, do we hold out hope or do we just be at this stage? I think I've moved into the latter frame of mind. It's not looking at all good in my sitch, but far from negative. And I'm glad that I move into the next phase feeling love and forgiveness for my H. That's better than the alternative I think.
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/05/15 10:54 PM
V, if I'd have thought of putting STFU on my pillow at the time, I would have done. Thanks Fogg & Pink - it's good to know others feel the same. Gan, yes I think I'm largely there too. Not done yet, but 'baking nicely.' I do feel I can accept whichever outcome now.

A busy day for me. Volunteered at the bookstore and visited Mum in respite this afternoon. Went out to a psychic evening with a friend tonight. I've never been to anything psychic before, and was a little sceptical.

But boy - I was one of the people she focused on and she was spot on. She looked at me and said "you have been badly hurt and you need to work on forgiveness. Not just of the person who hurt you, but forgiveness of yourself." Then there were various specific details about my life "you do yoga, and you meditate. Those help you. Keep doing them." And so on. Very interesting. I have always been a sceptic about these things, but I may go to her for a full reading.

Well, best get off to bed. Almost midnight here and I'm out for the day with a friend tomorrow. Good night all! xx
Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/06/15 03:19 PM
Sounds like a fun evening Toots m hope you have a good time today.

Take care. Rd
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/06/15 08:40 PM
Well, it's been a funny old day. My friend wasn't well and our day out got cancelled. So, I decided to get my car washed and some other stuff. My flat is opposite the Registrar's office and they were doing a brisk wedding trade today. I imagine it may be like this right through the summer - 4/5/6 weddings a day. Now, I don't begrudge anyone happiness on their wedding day, but I am much more conscious of the stats now. Am I becoming a cynic about this?

I watched a drama about infidelity tonight - set in the 60s and where the young AP didn't know he was married. He proposed and everything, then dumped her when she found out he was married. Interesting to see things from the AP's perspective.

Feeling a bit blah tonight. I haven't really had a whole night in for a bit and I'm feeling tired. I just feel our sitch is going nowhere fast. I'm not giving up just yet, but I do partly feel - meh, I might as well. But then the prospect of D isn't great either and round again we go. I'm so glad of you guys, you do help keep me sane. It's nice to be able to help others sometimes too...and the cameraderie is great. Have a good evening everyone xx
Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/06/15 09:01 PM
Hi Toots. You had a bit of a down day but all in all things could be a lot worse. For me , you H seems lost and needs to find himself before he can move forward As a few others on this board I hope he does it in time to have an R with Toots

Take care. Rd
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/07/15 07:50 PM
Hi Toots! Sorry for the blahs. I know exactly how that feels as I was hit with them last week. It makes it hard to do much of anything when you are in that mood...or at least it does for me.

Glad you are still posting though. Hope you have a better day today and an even better week. smile
Posted By: Vanilla Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/07/15 10:26 PM

Picture you in your giraffe onesie!

Any GAL plans?

You always do such interesting things.

Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/08/15 12:40 PM
H Toots. I hope your ok. Rd
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/09/15 08:46 PM
Hi Guys, thanks for stopping by. Yes, I'm doing okay thanks. A busy couple of days away at work. Got home this evening and my toilet flush broke, then got a call to say only one carer had turned up and could I go up to Mum & Dad's. Ended up being there for a couple of hours. Got home just before nine to finally have a bowl of soup for dinner. I'm a hard working gal now.

But, generally all is well, and I'm looking forward to a quieter day tomorrow and yoga GAL in the evening. I realised the other day that H has been not working for 4 months and hasn't actually filed for D in that whole time. I don't want to tempt fate - but it would have been the ideal time for him to get the ball rolling. Now he's working full time with an hours plus commute each way. He may not have time to file for D! Speaking of which - need to check my emails and see if my L has been in touch about separating finances.

Work is going well. I feel like I'm wading through treacle just now though. It's hard being new and not knowing how things work. I'm looking forward to being more efficient at some point in the future. Just booked some theatre tickets for Saturday night with a new female friend, so should be nice. Life is fine really, and I'm moving forward.

Take care all xx
Posted By: Sotto Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/10/15 02:49 PM
My L rang today. She will be speaking to his L tomorrow. I have expressed my wishes clearly and I hope she will manage to convey them:

I am happy for our L's to work in the 'spirit' of collaboration, but I don't want to fund a series of meetings where my L will have to travel.

I am happy for us to sell the marital home, but only as part of a full financial settlement. I am happy to initiate the financial settlement process.

Divorce isn't what I want and I don't intend to file. If H wants to file, that will be his responsibility.

She said, so shall I clarify with his L how we are proceeding and whether it is his intention to file for D? I said no - I don't want 'us' to be talking about D at all, because that isn't what I want. Please merely confirm that I am initiating settlement of finances as part of selling the marital home.

She respects my wishes and took all this on board, but I am finding I need to be specific about what I do and don't want. I get the feeling that I may not be proceeding in a way she is used to.

Oh well, we'll see how this goes.....T xx
Posted By: rd500 Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/10/15 05:19 PM
Hi Toots. Glad things are moving for you on the financial side and maybe it's the kick up the bum your H needs.

Thank you again for supporting me , I really value your comments and support since I met you on here. It continues to stun me how stupid your H is

Take care. Rd xxxx
Posted By: Vanilla Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/10/15 08:30 PM
Sounds good Toots. Clear instructions to L.

Posted By: job Re: Toot est possible..... - 06/10/15 09:39 PM
Hi Toots,
Just a reminder...you need to start a new thread. You've reached 101 postings/replies.
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