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Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10

Posted By: Jefe

Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/09/15 07:06 PM

Old Thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2527700&page=6

Wasn't paying attention and let it lock.
Originally Posted By: Hope414

Jefe, you did a really great job of not taking the bait; giving her permission to express angry and hurt without being punished; validating her confusion; and then reinforcing your love for her.

Wow.

You should really take pride in how well you handled this.


Thank you, Hope.
Didn't even notice that there was bait to take. I wasn't analyzing the interaction, I was just being natural.
Posted By: Jefe

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/16/15 01:03 AM

Well, this has been an interesting week. The wife has been spending a lot more time around us all week and has been calling a lot. She just called a few minutes ago and wanted to know if we could "talk". My heart sank when she said that because I was expecting a different direction than what I got.

She started crying and said: "I just want to apologize for everything I have put you through in the last 7 months...really all the way back to the first time we broke up." She said I've changed and she likes it. She wants to be around me and feels safe around me. She says she's sorry for all the damage she has done to our family and feels like her place is back home with us and back at church where she belongs.

She's coming over tonight (second night in a row) to have dinner with us and hang out until the kids go to bed. Prayers and wish me luck.
Posted By: twinmom

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/16/15 04:30 AM

Sounds like it's time for you to lay out what YOU need from her.....(Make sure your needs are met!)
Posted By: Starsky309

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/16/15 01:08 PM

Originally Posted By: twinmom
Sounds like it's time for you to lay out what YOU need from her.....(Make sure your needs are met!)



This ^^^. You only get one shot at this; don't "settle." You've worked SO hard at this, Jefe, and there is no shame in honestly communicating to the one you love the most what it is YOU need going forward.


Starsky
Posted By: Jefe

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/17/15 08:47 PM

Amen to that. Things are going extremely well right now. I'll post more later.
Posted By: Starsky309

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/17/15 09:01 PM

It's also no time to freelance. I hope you'll keep posting regularly through this critical stage; I'm sure Hope (and others) could give you some great guidance.

Glad things are going well!


Starsky
Posted By: Jefe

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/18/15 02:08 PM

She did eat with us Sunday night and stayed until long after they were in bed. We hung out, we talked, we did normal Sunday night husband and wife stuff; dishes, laundry, TV, etc. She said she thought she might like to move back home Tues as Monday was a pool night and a busy work day. I agreed.

Mon she called and told me she cleared it with her work and took Tues off so we could move. She worked, went to pool (for an unusually short time) then went to her Mom's place to sleep and pack. She refriended me on FB, changed her relationship status, change her profile pic to a shot of the 2 of us, and posted a public proclamation about us having problems and getting back together and thanking everyone for their prayers and support. All that without any input from me whatsoever.

We moved her in yesterday. (She had also put her wedding band back on, I noticed)

We talked alot last night and one of the things she told me was that God had been trying to get her attention since Dec and she kept resisting until his voice got so loud she couldnt take it anymore and the overwhelming feeling of wanting to come home was all she could think about.

She also said that the fact I wasn't calling her unless she called first was driving her nuts. And that me leaving her alone and only being kind when we did talk was the best thing I could have ever done.

Is it right, is it wrong? I haven't a clue. It feels right. She said she has never felt more at peace.
Me either.

We both agree we want to do whatever it takes to never find ourselves hating each other and to keep the feeling that we have for each other right now going as best we can.
Posted By: Starsky309

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/18/15 02:11 PM

Originally Posted By: Jefe


We talked alot last night and one of the things she told me was that God had been trying to get her attention since Dec and she kept resisting until his voice got so loud she couldnt take it anymore and the overwhelming feeling of wanting to come home was all she could think about.



My wife reported the exact same thing happening to her!!! This gave me chills, Jefe. Sooooo happy for you.

smile smile smile


Starsky
Posted By: Starsky309

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/18/15 02:13 PM

Originally Posted By: Jefe


We both agree we want to do whatever it takes to never find ourselves hating each other and to keep the feeling that we have for each other right now going as best we can.


We're not supposed to recommend other books on here, but I'm going to do it anyway. I think "His Needs, Her Needs" is an exceptional read and something you two can do TOGETHER at this stage. It's all about re-bullet-proofing your marriage from this point forward.
Posted By: Jefe

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/18/15 02:13 PM

Really, I have never heard that part of your story, Starsky. That's crazy. The hair on my arm is standing up.

I think I have that book somewhere. Great idea!
Posted By: Starsky309

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/18/15 03:15 PM

As I recall it, she told me that it had been happening for two or three weeks, this "hearing God" or "God talking to her heart" thing. She said that at first, she was able to squelch it, but then it kept getting louder, and louder, and LOUDER until it got to the point it was like He was SCREAMING at her to turn from the destructive path she was on.

Yeah, that got her attention. grin

PRAYER WORKS!!!


Starsky
Posted By: Ahoy

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/18/15 03:36 PM

Jefe,
I had lost track of your thread. Just wanted to say how happy I am for you. I'm glad that your wife has been remorseful. I hope your heart can heal.
Posted By: alpha99

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/18/15 04:42 PM

congratulations Jefe on getting your wife back. I hope that everything works out for you in the long term and you both manage to make this work going forward. I haven't posted on your threads but recently I have been reading through some of your older stuff up until now and I have to say that you are an inspiration. Good luck for the future and keep us updated on how everything is going. I think everyone reading your latest news is very happy for you.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/18/15 04:44 PM

Jefe, I'm so pleased for you guys! Now then, heed all of the advice that there needs to be some hard piecing work done between you to rebuild a sustainable M for the longer term.

Hope all goes well with your W moving back in my friend! :-)
Posted By: twinmom

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/18/15 05:07 PM

Congrats! Don't lose sight of who you are and what you need!
Posted By: Jefe

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/18/15 06:19 PM

Thank you, Twin & Toots. You are correct!

A should not forget Ahoy, Thank you.

Alpha99, You're very kind, I certainly didn't feel like it most days.


Posted By: CaliGuy

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/18/15 08:11 PM

Jefe

That my friend is great news, you worked so hard and from when you came here to where you are now, you did a TON of work man. Kudos.

Keep focus, do not stop, you still have a ways to go, but congratulations on this victory!
Posted By: Wonka

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/18/15 08:42 PM

Way to go, Jefe!

I think it is a good time to pull out the 5LL book and for you two to do the self-quiz together. Slowly draw her into a partnership on rebuilding your M into a solid and healthy one. I'd go with the 5LL book as a first step.
Posted By: MrBond

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/18/15 10:07 PM

Great news Jefe, however, has she said anything about counseling?

That is a definite must. She needs a roadmap to follow.
Posted By: Heart14

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/19/15 01:31 AM

Jefe, this is excellent news! I'm so happy for you.
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/19/15 02:33 AM

Best wishes, Jefe.
Posted By: SunnyB

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/19/15 12:54 PM

Wow, Jefe, I haven't visited your thread in a while, and I'm so happy to see what's happened. That's great! I'm so happy for you.
Posted By: Jefe

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/20/15 11:21 AM

Thanks everyone! I'll pull out the old LL book and get to work. We talked about counseling some last night (I'm already going).

Things still going well.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/20/15 08:16 PM

Sounding good Jefe. I'm so pleased for you guys. Remember to EXPECT some ups and downs, and you probably won't be disappointed!

Good that you're thinking about counselling too. I think it's really important to try and work through some of the stuff and get a really solid foundation for you both to move forwards.

Have a good weekend!
Posted By: Hope414

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/20/15 11:24 PM

Hi Jefe,

Please don't take my silence as anything negative. I am so happy for you! You are a success story and a great example for others.

But, I echo Mr. Bond about counseling. I beseech you to please set this up immediately.

You need to begin this "new" marriage correctly and strengthen your bond as a married couple.
Posted By: T384

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/21/15 02:56 AM

Jefe -

I can't say enough how important counseling is at this stage. I also would recommend both of you seeing a MC individually once before this way you can both be open and honest prior to MC sessions.

It helped my H and I a TON bc our MC was someone that was a neutral 3rd party.

Best of luck
Posted By: Jefe

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/21/15 05:27 PM

That's a great idea, TO.

Thank you Hope. We are working that direction. The church is going to benevolence several sessions we are just working out the time factor. I told my wife about you and what you have done for us, Hope. She was very appreciative. I am too.

Blogging:
My wife has gone out of her way to "fix" everything. She even mentioned this morning that she was trying to repair all the damage she caused as fast and as pain free as she knew how. Last night before we went to bed she said "We need to go to the bank first thing so we can get you back on the accounts and get an ATM card, etc." Once again, all done without my asking, hinting, or any input from me. She has not expressed any confusion or second thoughts about coming home. We have thoroughly enjoyed each other's company the last several days.

She is so excited and ready to come back to church. The pastors and our Life Group (Sunday school class) have welcomed her with open arms. She requested and got every Sunday off from work starting a week from tomorrow, so she can't wait. We had bible study/dinner last night but she could not get off work in time.

That's about all I have for now.
Posted By: MrBond

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/22/15 12:02 PM

What about counseling?
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/22/15 01:55 PM

"she was trying to repair all the damage she caused as fast and as pain free as she knew how"

I think probably repairing the damage is actually going to be somewhat slow, pretty painful and two steps forward and one step back.

Have you and your W talked about what it is going to take? Are you guys going to take up the option of counselling support?

Glad to hear things are going well, but please remember there is a lot of damage to work through and move beyond as a team....
Posted By: Jefe

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/23/15 05:55 PM

We are both up for it, yes. Just working out the logistics of it all.

So far so good. We keep talking deep and often and things are really okay at the moment. (Really okay...that sounds sort of like "extra medium". I wish we had put this much effort into it when we first got married. We probably wouldn't have found ourselves here now.
Posted By: MrBond

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/23/15 07:54 PM

That is good. Just DO NOT neglect counseling just because it's "not convenient".

I have VERY rarely seen a M that has been reconciled survive without counseling to guide them. That's just the plain truth in what I've seen for 7 years.
Posted By: Jefe

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/23/15 09:17 PM

Agreed.
Posted By: UpperCu

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 03/30/15 01:54 AM

I've been away from your thread for a month or two, but am excited to catch up and to see you are piecing! Exciting! :-) I've prayed for your marriage throughout the past 6 months and I'm very encouraged by your faithfulness.

For my own benefit and for others, can you summarize the main things you've learned through your sitch?
Posted By: Jefe

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 04/01/15 05:48 AM

I learned to let go and let her be her. To stop trying to control and change her into what I want and just love her for who she is.

I learned to let go and let God run the show.

I learned that I need to take the focus off me and put it on the people I love.

I learned if you constantly think negative thoughts about a person or situation that's all you'll be left with after a while.

I learned that if I have a need I should ask for it and not manipulate, control, or withdraw to force people to serve me.

I learned that unconditional love is just that, unconditional.

I learned that God really can and will restore things if you have faith and trust that He knows best.

I learned that if one of us is unhappy it is up to both of us to fix it. We're in this together. This is a "Joint and Several Covenant" meaning we are both equally 100% responsible for this marriage. The only thing split 50/50 around here is the pizza on pizza night.

Above all, I learned that my wife, after God, is the most important thing in my life. That I should NEVER take her or our marriage for granted again. That we have to wake up every single day and choose to love each other again and again. We took vows to Love, Honor, and Cherish. You actually have to do those things. Do them with no expectations of getting anything in return.

And this just scratches the surface.
Posted By: JellyB

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 04/01/15 06:02 AM

NICE, reading that made me tingle! Thank you for sharing those amazing thoughts

I wish you so many more blessings

jelly x
Posted By: Complex

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 04/01/15 06:39 AM

Nice last post Jefe. Inspiring.
I'm very happy for you and it was great to catch up on your sitch.
Posted By: UpperCu

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 04/01/15 09:28 PM

Thanks Jefe - I knew there was an iceberg of lessons learned under there smile
Posted By: Hope414

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 04/03/15 11:24 PM

Great post Jefe! smile
Posted By: UpperCu

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 04/07/15 06:53 PM

How's it going Jefe?
Posted By: Jefe

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 04/10/15 03:40 AM

Everything is going well. Sorry I have not checked in much this week, it has been a very busy. My wife knows that I still post on here but I try not to get on when she is home. Not because I am hiding it but because I prefer to spend my time with her instead.

So some recapping/blogging is in order I guess.

Fri - Mom had the girls because we had our bible study group this week but wife worked too late to be able to make it. I meet her right after and we had an enjoyable late evening just grocery shopping together.

Sat - Wife had to work but got off at a decent hour. I volunteered at the church for the 4 o'clock Easter service then met up with the wife after. Wing Stop for dinner, a little shopping, Then home to watch a movie.

Sun - Easter. We went to the early service. They played a video during one of the songs the band was playing. In the video was a busy scene at the main church campus. As the music was playing the camera would pan and zoom in on people and would display text giving a brief testimony about each. Like: "This couple lost 2 different children at childbirth. Now they minister to grieving families who have lost children." or "This couple was divorced for 2 years. They have since come back together and remarried." and several others. After the song the pastor spoke for about 10 minutes. Afterwards, they played another video focusing on the couple that had been divorced. They gave a 15 minute testimony of how she had multiple affairs and what God had done for her after she was divorced. It was so moving. The wife cried during it.

When the service had ended 2 of the pastors came over to my wife and greeted her so warmly and made her feel so welcome back at the church. They commented on the parallels between the video and our story and asked her if sometime in the next 6-12 months if she/we would give our testimony for the church. Wow, so powerful.

Mon - We both worked. The wife chose to stay home from her pool league that night so we could spend time together as a family. We had our first disagreement/fight since we've been back together. What a difference it was. Not the same old screaming match it used to be. It was over and done very quickly.

Tue - We both worked then ate dinner with my grandmother. Later we went for a walk as a family with the dogs. Everyone enjoyed themselves, even the dogs! Been a long time since I went for a walk with my wife holding hands. We hold hands a lot these days.

Wed - The wife has decided to take Wednesdays off from now on. To help out around the house and to spend some time with me. She spent the first half with the kids. Took them to school, volunteered in the school library for the book fair, and ate lunch with them both. That freed me up so I could practice since Wed is one of the nights I play at church.

The second half she spent with me. We cleaned up together, made some plans about the house together, etc. Since she left I have been taking the girls with me to church and it hasnt worked out very well. But she offered to pick them up from school and bring the up to the church later after child care started so I could focus on playing. She got there early and hung out with our Wed night church friends. Everyone was so happy to see her. Afterwards she went to her Wed pool league, but only stayed long enough to play her match and came home early to be with me. And she didn't feel good on top of it.

Thur - (tonight) I had to play at the church again for our monthly Man Church event. My mom watched the girls. Wife had to work late and then she had a special league event tonight.

All in all, things at home are incredibly different.

Since my first daughter was born we barely slept in the same bed together and I would stay up to all hours of the night after she went to sleep. Now we wouldn't think of NOT going to bed together.

Before, it was had for us to carry any type of meaningful conversation together, especially on the phone. Now, we both have matching bluetooth headsets and I find ourselves having LOOOONG conversations while we are both working. Several conversations today all longer than 15-20 minutes. Amazing.

I thank God every single day for my wife and my marriage.

I'm sure I'm leaving tons out. But There you go.

I'll try and stop by some of the other threads tonight, tomorrow and Sat.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 04/11/15 09:14 AM

Jefe, I'm really pleased things are going well for you guys. It sounds like you are making lots of progress. Hopefully you're balancing some of the nicer stuff with dealing with some of the more difficult things too. I'm reminded of some comments from an Andrew G Marshall book - MHDLMAITSE.

"It's human nature to want to concentrate on the nice parts of rebuilding your relationship...cuddles, nights out...However, it is equally important to look at the nasty stuff, for example acknowledging anger, unexpressed hurt or working on changing communication. In this way you will be dismantling the wall between you one brick at a time (with each positive interaction) rather than trying to pretend it doesn't exist or looking for magical ways to blast it away.

In effect, you will be able to stare into the darkness, but still stand firm. Slowly but surely, you will discover some grey amog the black and even a few spots of light. If you can live in the moment, rather than worrying about next week, month or year, you will be able to talk calmly and your (spouse) will respond better. Slowly but surely, you are developing resilience and that's a great skill to posess - whatever happens next."

I hope this is helpful Jefe, and that you guys can face what is needed for a sustainable recovery. I'm only posting this because your post was mainly about the 'nice' stuff. It would be good to hear about how you are dealing with some of the 'nasty' stuff too.

Have a good weekend my friend (((Jefe)))
Posted By: Hope414

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 04/11/15 03:30 PM

Great stuff!
Posted By: Heart14

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 04/13/15 03:12 PM

Originally Posted By: Toots
I'm reminded of some comments from an Andrew G Marshall book - MHDLMAITSE.

"It's human nature to want to concentrate on the nice parts of rebuilding your relationship...cuddles, nights out...However, it is equally important to look at the nasty stuff, for example acknowledging anger, unexpressed hurt or working on changing communication. In this way you will be dismantling the wall between you one brick at a time (with each positive interaction) rather than trying to pretend it doesn't exist or looking for magical ways to blast it away.

In effect, you will be able to stare into the darkness, but still stand firm. Slowly but surely, you will discover some grey amog the black and even a few spots of light. If you can live in the moment, rather than worrying about next week, month or year, you will be able to talk calmly and your (spouse) will respond better. Slowly but surely, you are developing resilience and that's a great skill to posess - whatever happens next."


Good post, Toots. I think this quote is very true. It's not fun to talk about the painful parts. It is necessary to address them in order to grow and have a healthy R.

Glad to see things are still progressing well, Jefe!
Posted By: labug

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 04/13/15 04:36 PM

Wow Jefe, big changes.
Posted By: labug

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 04/13/15 04:37 PM

Originally Posted By: Jefe
I learned to let go and let her be her. To stop trying to control and change her into what I want and just love her for who she is.

I learned to let go and let God run the show.

I learned that I need to take the focus off me and put it on the people I love.

I learned if you constantly think negative thoughts about a person or situation that's all you'll be left with after a while.

I learned that if I have a need I should ask for it and not manipulate, control, or withdraw to force people to serve me.

I learned that unconditional love is just that, unconditional.

I learned that God really can and will restore things if you have faith and trust that He knows best.

I learned that if one of us is unhappy it is up to both of us to fix it. We're in this together. This is a "Joint and Several Covenant" meaning we are both equally 100% responsible for this marriage. The only thing split 50/50 around here is the pizza on pizza night.

Above all, I learned that my wife, after God, is the most important thing in my life. That I should NEVER take her or our marriage for granted again. That we have to wake up every single day and choose to love each other again and again. We took vows to Love, Honor, and Cherish. You actually have to do those things. Do them with no expectations of getting anything in return.

And this just scratches the surface.


No matter what happens if you can stick with this, you will be successful in life.
Posted By: SunnyB

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 05/06/15 11:12 AM

Jefe you've been quiet. I hope that means things are going well. Give us an update!
Posted By: Jefe

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 05/12/15 05:07 PM

I am so sorry to be this tardy with a reply to you RPPFL (I love the new name!) and just an update in general.

My wife and I are doing fantastic! I haven't been on here very much because we have committed to spending a lot of time with each other. My business is picking back up and I was just offered an opportunity to take on an account that could very well feed us just by itself. She has also taken on some extra hours to help dig us out of our financial mess that we have created this past year+.

It hasn't all been sunshine and roses but I will take what we have right here today over anything else, including when we first got married. This is so much better. We communicate extremely well, and often. I still struggle with things that are in my own head, from time to time, but that gets easier day to day as well.

She has remained completely transparent, no locks or passwords that I don't know about. No messaging apps hidden or active anywhere. And she has worked very hard on being a better wife as well. She told me for no other reason than she is very proud to be married to the person that I am right now.

I'll do my best to be a little more active here, as I definitely feel that I need to give back to the place that did the most for my marriage (other than the relentless prayer, of course).

Happy belated Mother's Day, ladies!
Posted By: twinmom

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 05/12/15 07:18 PM

So glad to hear things are going well.

Care to share how you are handing the "flashbacks" and other triggers?
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 05/12/15 07:39 PM

Hi Jefe, I'm so glad you guys are doing well. Keep posting, and letting us know how you're doing!

Best wishes, Toots :-)
Posted By: Jefe

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 05/13/15 01:56 PM

Thank you Toots.

Twin, in the first 30 days I did poorly with the "flashbacks". I underestimated how they would come on and how they would trigger. Then my wife said something that at first angered me a little then I got to thinking about it and she was basically right. She said: "You either trust me or you don't. There is little I can do to change your mind either way." Now, here's the thing with that statement, what she meant was that if I've made up my mind that she's still doing those things then that's all I'll be able to see.

The way I deal with it now is this:

1) I have forgiven her. I don't get to rehash it or beat her up over it anymore. Every time I get jittery about some feeling that is in my head, that's my problem to deal with. I have complete transparency and intel so if there is a new problem (and there is none) then we can deal with the new problem. But it must start with me giving her the benefit of the doubt. No one can live under a microscope of negativity so me continually looking for a problem is problematic in of itself.

She's still the same flawed and broken individual I married (I am too!) and I have to accept her for how she is.

2) When these "flashbacks" or mental images of situations (perceived mind you, because I wasn't there and really don't know) come about I have the choice then and there to get on that train and entertain that thought or I can simply allow that train to pass the station and find a more pleasant and much safer train to board. This is very hard and I practice it daily but it gets easier as time goes by. I suspect there will always be triggers but I hope to get them down to once a year or less.

Seems funny you asking me how I deal with my thought patterns when just a short 6 months ago you were trying to help me keep my mind focused somewhere else.

How are things in your world, Twin?
Posted By: CaliGuy

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 05/13/15 05:14 PM

Jefe

Glad to see things are going to a place we all want.

I too have had issues with the "flashbacks" and like you was maybe a bit taken back at how powerful they can come at you .. and without warning.

I kept some notes here and there and RobX had a post with an approach that always struck me. The basic concept was "If I have to check up on you and make sure you are being honest that will not work for me because its not what I need or want" ... I read that long before I even had a chance at getting W to the R table. But now its in the back of my mind, she has told me its over, unlike other times she has been open to answer any questions I may have, I have not checked her phone because she appears to be done with that, and more focused on the M, and trying to reconnect.

I think its all to easy to use the A as the all time trump card .... "Cali can you take out the trash" ... "No, because you had an A" ... sounds crazy but I think sometimes in our minds its easy to go there and live there. I do not want to beat up W over the A, she can not unthrow that rock, all we can do at this point is look forward, learn from the mistakes we made and hopefully with Gods grace create a much better, happier, healthier marriage. Its best to focus on that ... than the past and the hurt and pain ... not easy mind you ... but much more beneficial.
Posted By: twinmom

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 05/13/15 07:53 PM

My mind just won't stop. Forgiveness is something I am struggling with. I love him but the harsh reality is I don't know how to let go of the hurt.



Originally Posted By: Jefe
Thank you Toots.

Twin, in the first 30 days I did poorly with the "flashbacks". I underestimated how they would come on and how they would trigger. Then my wife said something that at first angered me a little then I got to thinking about it and she was basically right. She said: "You either trust me or you don't. There is little I can do to change your mind either way." Now, here's the thing with that statement, what she meant was that if I've made up my mind that she's still doing those things then that's all I'll be able to see.

The way I deal with it now is this:

1) I have forgiven her. I don't get to rehash it or beat her up over it anymore. Every time I get jittery about some feeling that is in my head, that's my problem to deal with. I have complete transparency and intel so if there is a new problem (and there is none) then we can deal with the new problem. But it must start with me giving her the benefit of the doubt. No one can live under a microscope of negativity so me continually looking for a problem is problematic in of itself.

She's still the same flawed and broken individual I married (I am too!) and I have to accept her for how she is.

2) When these "flashbacks" or mental images of situations (perceived mind you, because I wasn't there and really don't know) come about I have the choice then and there to get on that train and entertain that thought or I can simply allow that train to pass the station and find a more pleasant and much safer train to board. This is very hard and I practice it daily but it gets easier as time goes by. I suspect there will always be triggers but I hope to get them down to once a year or less.

Seems funny you asking me how I deal with my thought patterns when just a short 6 months ago you were trying to help me keep my mind focused somewhere else.

How are things in your world, Twin?
Posted By: kippz

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 05/14/15 03:57 PM

I wish what happened to Jefe and to you would happen to me. I guess in time.
Posted By: SunnyB

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 05/18/15 05:08 PM

Jefe, so happy to hear you are doing well. A true success story.

I think we all struggle with forgiveness and trust. If I had a new R, I'd trust him until he gave me a reason not to. Truth is, a new guy isn't any more or less trustworthy than H, I just don't know much about his past. So I should give H the same level of trust, it's just a lot harder. (And that all assumes a R with H, which isn't on the horizon. It's just a thought I have.)
Posted By: Hope414

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 05/23/15 04:31 AM

Originally Posted By: Jefe
She told me for no other reason than she is very proud to be married to the person that I am right now.


This is a wonderful statement she made about you. It really says everything about what kind of husband you are in her eyes.

It also says volumes about your ability to forgive, your ability to have a vision for your marriage, and your ability to keep trying until you found a formula that worked for both of you.

I continue to applaud you Jefe.
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 07/18/15 10:30 AM

Sorry for hijack Jefe

Hope you have no thread of your own. I designed a post on the abuse thread which I hope is of assistance in examining abuse whilst addressing some of the criticisms.

If you want to chat it over, my thread is in newcomers.

V
Posted By: Irish M

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 12/30/15 10:27 PM

Hi Jefe
Just finished reading your entire sitch

Would love an update. It looks like everything is better than before.
The new relationship is exactly that . A new one.

So happy for you both
Posted By: mbebos

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 - 01/22/16 08:39 AM

I read this one too, and wow. What a story. Inspirational story and how not to give up on yourself.
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