train, how are you? - DivorceBusting.com

Just checking on you today. I know this week is rough.....

Sweet girl. Thank you. Been a really rough couple days. But I'm still standing.

I can't thank you enough for thinking of me. xoxo

Glad to hear you made it.... for both of us Feb and March are one year of so many hurts..... just wanted you to know someone was thinking about you. This Sunday (22nd) is one year ago that H walked out and also 3rd wedding anniversary. The day I found out he was cheating is only a few days after that..... and the day he actually moved in with OW approaching way too quickly. I feel like I am back to where I was last year emotionally... so vulnerable, need some good GAL activities these next few weeks to help....

It's weird. Like, I'm not a big "anniversary"-type person. I've noticed that some members of my family, for instance, seem to fall apart on the anniversary of my dad's death. I don't. It's no different to me than any other day of the year.

But what's weird is I've noticed a marked change in myself - my demeanor, my outlook, my energy - recently. It started happening a few weeks ago. And for two weekends straight, I lost my sh!t when H and I were on dates. It's seriously like I take 2 steps forward and then 1 (or 3) steps back. I don't GET how this is supposed to work. Tell him my needs? Okay, then I come across as needy and needing HIM to help make ME happy. That's not how it's supposed to work; he's the frosting, and I'm the cake. I should be happy with or without him. But what kind of M is THAT? If I'm happy withOUT him, then wth am I doing with someone who has cheated on me twice? Is it all economics? Frankly, sometimes I think yes. Should I take a time-out when I'm about to snap? Okay cool. Then basically I'm just burying my feelings. Talk about my feelings? Cool. Then my associative thinking starts going bananas, thoughts and fears are swirling in my head ... everything escalates, the tears come, and - BAM! - there I am again, questioning (often out loud) why I'm here ... if this M is just a train wreck waiting to happen (again) ... how the he!l stupid am I for trusting him AGAIN?!? I mean, where my mind goes is not good.

For the most part, I don't live there. But for some reason, every once in a while when we are out together, it happens. Probably because he's working two jobs and is home all of two hours a day during weekdays, so our one night alone is the only time we actually talk.

Things didn't go well on Saturday. But it isn't because I was in a bad mood, per se. We had tried to come up with a plan to avoid us going out and me crying and then questioning what we're doing, which is what had happened the previous two weekends. So H pitched taking me, in the early afternoon, to an antique place I've been wanting to go. Then we figured we'd go out to dinner and return home kind of early to watch the race.

But then my car started acting up Friday, so H was busy fixing it until later Saturday afternoon. That was Valentine's Day. Our anniversary. He didn't buy me anything because he was afraid it would only serve as a trigger. (And, to be fair, I had told him that V-Day propaganda - all the pink and red crap - was nauseating me.) All my kids - especially my older girls - really went out of their ways to make me feel very loved; the older girls knew how hard it would be. Even S8 had D17 take him out to get me (himself - lol) a 12-pack of yoohoos to gift me for Valentine's Day.

But from H? Nothing. Not because he doesn't care but because he was afraid ANYTHING he did would send me over an edge because it would be a trigger. And while maybe he's right, it felt really strange to receive so much thoughtfulness and love from my children and nothing from him.

Though I continued with our plan and had showered and dolled up and was ready by 1 p.m., H worked on my car until he finally fixed it at 4 p.m. I was so appreciative for all his hard work, but I sat inside, and my anger grew and grew. He could have worked on the car Sunday. This was V-Day. Our anniversary. A day H KNEW was going to be difficult for me. And I got an act-of-service from him. But no affection. No communication. And because the place I'd long been wanting to go - the place he planned to take me Saturday - was 45 minutes away and closed at 7 ... and he wasn't finished with my car until 4 ... I gave up on going there.

H came in and showered and we got in the car to leave. I told him I didn't want to go to the antique store anymore because I really wanted to be unencumbered by a closing-time when we went. He seemed to be in a mood - I'm sure working all day on a car contributed to that - and tried to convince me that we would have "plenty of time" there before we'd pop in to get something to eat and then head home to watch the race.

I basically told him no thanks. I asked if he'd just run to the grocery store to pick up a couple things we needed, and I went inside, took off all my make-up, washed my face, jumped in my PJs and ... cleaned the stovetop. I ate peanut-butter crackers in bed, alone, on Valentine's Day. H did end up bringing a rose home. And he apologized relentlessly. He honestly did think he was doing the best thing by working on my car for me and by not buying anything V-Day related (because he knew it would be a trigger).

It all just points to how f'ed up this all is.

Affairs are STUPID. They destroy families. They hurt. They hurt. They HURT. The pain is almost unbearable. And WHEN DOES IT FREAKING END??? Like, I want peace of mind back. And I'm not going to lie: sometimes I think the only way I'll get pure peace of mind is to fly solo. Get the hel! out of this relationship. It wouldn't solve all my problems - quite the contrary - but I am so encumbered by feelings of rejection (twice), feelings of abandonment (twice) and feelings of being scared half out of my mind that I'm a SAHM at the financial mercy of a man who has just up and left me (twice) for two POS hussies who thought they were worth more than my children and I are and they would just help themselves to OUR security. And my H wasn't an innocent victim.

Sometimes, twin, I don't know which end is up. I have NEVER been more confused about something in my life.

H is trying his damnedest. I see it. I acknowledge it. I appreciate it - inwardly and outwardly. But I just can't seem to move past it. He "screws up" just an inch, and it becomes a MOUNTAIN for me.

I've been able to use some of the tools I've learned to keep my focus on exactly what's bothering me. My focus is pretty much razor-sharp at this point. I don't fly off the handle about the mountain of other resentments I have when I've zeroed in on the ONE thing that's bothering me when it's bothering me. In other words, and if I'm being honest, I'm not picking up a handful of pebbles and throwing them at H all at once. Instead, I pick up the one big boulder and toss it.

I'm so over all of this. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of seeing HIM hurt. I'm tired of seeing his pain, caused by MY pain ... which HE caused. I feel like I'm on a carousel. And I'm spinning. And I'm dizzy. And I'm looking for the fastest way to just jump the he!l off.

I want to be normal again. I want to be loved. I want to be admired. I want to be respected. I don't want this baggage anymore. I do not mind working on a M. But work post-a-second-affair is hard. It feels impossible. I can't believe a word he says. Not.one.word. Not ONE word. I believed him once before, when we were married. I believed him again after his first A. I honestly think it's IMPOSSIBLE to believe him again. I'm trying. And I.just.CAN'T.

This is hell on Earth. It honestly, honestly is.

We bounced back from Saturday. I've told him I'd like us to talk about an in-house S since we couldn't afford to stay S as long as I wanted us to while he was still wayward but wanting back in our M. Things moved too quickly out of financial NECESSITY in our case. I don't want to be seen as "easy." Because to ME, "easy" = one of his whores. And I'm not one of them.

But I don't want to be difficult either.

Hell. Just HELL. Living, breathing HELL is what this is.

The anniversary of BD is in two days: Feb. 19. Joy!

I swear I'm about to go dig a hole in the backyard and just crawl in it for the next couple months.

I know some people who have made it over this hump are reading this, likely cringing. I'm probably doing things wrong in some folks' eyes. Maybe I am. Sometimes, I honestly feel like I just don't give a sh!t which way this thing goes; sandi wrote something not too long ago about how often she sees the LBS at least mentally become a WAS once the XWAS returns to the M. I heard that in my head over and over and over this past weekend.

I'm trying to fight it. But I can't lie: Sometimes I think that this M isn't worth fighting THIS hard for. And when I look back at my original posts post-BD, I was even questioning that THEN, when H was still wayward.

I love the he!l out of him. But there's a lot of he!l in him. And NOW in me, TOO! He's being amazing now. But I already see things slipping back into old habits. We are both trying our as$es off. But for how long? I've shown, since BD1, I'm loyal and committed. He hasn't. We're both clinging on for dear life. But how long will he stay committed when things are consistently this hard? His words say: as long as it takes. His track record shows: not very long.

This ride is absolutely SICKENING. For BOTH of us.

Train, when H was living with OW I stopped praying for our marriage. I would cry (ok scream/sob hysterically) when I was alone for God to take my pain away. I would pray for God to decide what windows need to be opened and which doors needed to be shut.

Even though I am trying to enforce an "I don't think you can make yourself an honest husband" stance I know I could do a better job.... I did not get H anything for Valentine's day. I did not acknowledge it at all. He bought me a necklace, Victoria secret gift card(i am finally losing weight and have commented numerous times I need new underwear) he brought me a single rose, as I said I didn't want flower(s) and a card that said
A man like me has a lot to be thankful for,
And at the top of that list is you-
A woman who knows me, accepts me and whose love has made so many things right.
I'll never know what I did to deserve a life this good. But I do know what's at the very heart of it:
You..... beautiful you.
Love, H

Train have you ever thought about couponing or mystery shopping to earn some extra income from home? Give yourself a little nest egg or even just contribute to the budget a little and have H cut a few hours off his day to spend time with you?

Let me know if you want some guidance to delve into this. I don't make enough to support myself (but I also have 5 kids to wrangle around while trying to do this) but I am making enough to put away for a nice little emergency fund and vacation fund. And I started paying some monthly bills to give me an emotional boost that I wasn't 100% dependant on H.

Train have you ever thought about couponing or mystery shopping to earn some extra income from home? Give yourself a little nest egg or even just contribute to the budget a little and have H cut a few hours off his day to spend time with you?

Thank you, twin. I actually have a couple hobbies that bring in pretty good "extra" money. Unfortunately, they also take up a lot of time. And they sort of pay for themselves, if that makes sense.

I got a freelance offer from this area's largest newspaper a few weeks ago. But after seriously considering it, and talking to H about it, we decided together - for a number of reasons - that it isn't what I want right now. I have another freelance gig in the hopper; it's a big one, but it's temporary: 12-14 months. And it wouldn't start in earnest for a while. I'm actually looking really forward to it; it's the absolute opposite of what I'm known for around here. But it will be a challenge - a state level instead of just local - and it will really beef-up my resume to include marketing and PR, should I decide to enter the workforce again.

Right now, I'm so busy with S8's school schedule that when I'm working from home, I fall down on the job with him. And I can't "afford" to do that.

As for H's second-shift job, he has a lot of flexibility with the hours he puts in. But because there are certain tasks that have to be done, it's not like he can really decide to shorten his hours or not go in. Plus, our budget depends on a set number of hours. He is paid very handsomely per hour: four times what I was being paid when I left my job. So it makes absolutely NO sense for us to decide that I would work in the afternoons so he could stay home. He makes in one hour what it would take me four to make. And if I go to work at night? That obviously wouldn't help us with the time issue. We'd still just see one another in passing.

We're sort of stuck right where we are for now.

I'd love to do something to build up an "emergency fund," but honestly, until I would be out, earning my own income (and enough to provide for my family), I likely wouldn't feel completely confident or comfortable because I know H can leave at any time; he's proven that. But right now, my priority is educating my son. I'm sort of caught between a rock and a hard place.

What blows is that just thinking about a contingency plan causes me to spin; that, in and of itself, is a trigger. It reminds me of how quickly things changed and how rotten H became ... how he tried to force a legal hand to kick us out of the house after BD1 - while I was pregnant - and how he pulled the financial carpet out from under us - with no warning - after BD2. So while I probably SHOULD think about it and come up with an "in-case" plan, it just sends me to a place I don't at all like to be. It's a place I can't really talk about with H without losing my sh!t. Again.

Again, this is all so f'ed up.

Train, the things I am talking about are tasks you can do (mostly) WITH the kids... so it's not H staying home so you can go make $$.

Just an example.... I took the kids to the post office to mail a package. I was paid $10 and reimbursed $8.55 for the postage and box. Took me 15 minutes and the kids were with me. After the kids were in bed I wrote my report....
Sunday I took the kids to the museum of science and industry in Chicago (we are members but that doesn't matter) I was paid $15 and reimbursed $45 for food I had to evaluate. Again, put the kids to bed and wrote my report...
Today I called a physical therapy place while the kids were napping, 4 minutes on the phone and less than 10 minutes writing my report. Up $6 for that.

I am NOT getting rich but some things pay better than others. I was paid $80 plus reimbursed for all fees to have an accountant prepare my taxes. Something that had to be done anyway.

Just something to think about, as its kind of nice knowing I have this info if H were to decide to stop the $$$$ (which he has never done but he did rack up some cc debt while living with her)

Oh no. I hear you loud and clear. I'm making "pocket change" while I'm home with the kids; I could actually make a lot more if I enjoyed one of my "at-home gigs" in particular. But again, it tends to take a lot of time away from our school day. And it's certainly not enough to sustain us or even make me feel comfortable when I think "what if" he leaves again. It's also not enough to buy H time away from his second job. Know what I mean?

Your post today Train...I appreciate you bearing your sole. The if then if then if then part of your post really struck me. I am sure it strikes many of us. I cannot say I have been cheated on 2 separate times which in turn degrades further, trust but the brain spinning.

You said " I don't GET how this is supposed to work. Tell him my needs? Okay, then I come across as needy and needing HIM to help make ME happy. That's not how it's supposed to work; he's the frosting, and I'm the cake. I should be happy with or without him. But what kind of M is THAT? If I'm happy withOUT him, then wth am I doing with someone who has cheated on me twice? Is it all economics? Frankly, sometimes I think yes. Should I take a time-out when I'm about to snap? Okay cool. Then basically I'm just burying my feelings. Talk about my feelings? Cool. "

YOu have been on here for 11 more months than I, a thousand posts more than I, I have read and re-read countless things you say which is just fantastic advice by the way...then I hear your struggle. Validation for me. Not the part where you want to give up, but that we try to be strong, we know what we want, you have rocked it for almost a year on here and yet you still have the spinning, the brain questioning itself. Forgiveness is for us, I struggle with that article but I guess it makes sense. Take care of those children, give them love, give yourself love Train.

Aw, 4mend, thank you for your support and encouragement.

It seems I don't have much of a problem with the "re-attraction" thing. I'm an old pro at that part of DBing. But I screwed the pooch on piecing the first time and am all over the place this time. IOW, I'm clearly no expert on how to put Humpty back together.

I *do* know that this "piecing" thing is no joke. And the thing is: I second-guess posting here about my own personal sitch all the time because I don't want to discourage people who are already feeling really discouraged. But it seems awfully disingenuous of me to pretend, even if only through my silence, that everything over here is all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. I am so thankful for your feedback and that my post helped validate you. The thing is: there's no fairy-tale ending. There's no specific beginning to this madness, and I don't see that there's a specific end. That's because relationships take WORK.

I have done better at some times than others. Right now is a down time, and that's what I was attempting to get at in that first post: even though I don't consider myself an "anniversary person," I do think that the anniversary/antiversary is reeking havoc on my psyche right now. Why else would I be so up and down right now?

uRworthy and labug wrote today on Maybell's thread about learning to ask for what we need. I have identified this as something I really need to work on in myself. And as I was in bed Saturday night, I literally almost drove myself nuts trying to figure out *what it is* I wanted/needed in that exact moment ... and how to ask for it. But my anger and my "cycling" really stood in the way of me figuring out the healthiest way to handle the situation. Meanwhile, H was downstairs, scared out of his mind that I was going to leave or fly off the handle. And I'm thinking: If I do just *one thing wrong*, he's going to leave again.

Ugh. Round and round and round it goes ...

H thinks he doesn't "deserve" for me to meet his needs; he even went so far as to suggest that we cut off ML until he has "earned" it by consistently meeting my needs. And to be honest: that broke my heart to hear him say. This isn't about score-keeping. He doesn't have a lot of time for "intimate conversation" because *he's always working* to provide for our family. And he's tired. But he's being faithful. And he's providing, allowing me to stay home with the kids. ALL of this must be kept in perspective when I get a little butt-hurt because I feel he's trying to "rush" one date ... and it's one that, let's be honest, he was really nervous about because we had BOTH mentally prepared for it to end in disaster. (Essentially, we CREATED that for ourselves.)

That was a bunch of rambling.

Thankfully, I'm feeling a little better now. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, and I have to keep reminding myself that H isn't going to walk out over one night of me not feeling or acting my best. He's demonstrating a lot of patience with my "mood swings."

And 4mend, I still struggle with what exactly "forgiveness" is. I can read about it all day long. The problem is: I'm naturally very forgiving; in fact, my dad used to say I'm *too* forgiving (though I don't know what that would look like, either). I imagine forgiveness happens after a lot of practice ... and a lot of time. DB principles, I think, help with that process a whole lot.

Thanks for sticking with me and, again, for your kind note.

Keep your chin up. And thanks for propping mine up for me today.

Train, good for you! I am happy to hear you at least have some fun money of your own.

Thank you for sharing. I really do care and pray for your happiness.

You were NOT rambling miss. Only thing I thought when I read it was why not go to the knick knack shop even if there was a closing time you were butting up against? Sometimes I wonder if we sabatoge our own outcomes because we presume what will happen? IDK...

I to forgive too easily or at least tell myself I do and then harbor the resentment very deep. I fear everyday what I am doing and whether it is wrong or not. Yesterday I could have thrown in the towel, today I meet with a lawyer and it gave me the renewed confidence to continue for weeks to come! Why do I bounce back n forth? Why does that make me feel weak?

Then I read your posts today. For the love of all things holy, always tell us the bad stuff, this is the spot to do it. I have not been around long but I already know that is true. I can get it off my chest, have Starsky call me out

and then get good advice. Today, I quit doing my wife's laudnry for the first time in a decade! What can you do today to make your sitch better? Sounds like you might go downstairs and just hold H's hand for 5 minutes, kiss him and walk away with a smile. While leaving, look back with that smile of happiness, happy you worked hard to get to that moment and you had it and then you carried on. Let yourself love just a little.

Thank you, sweet twin. Ditto to you, my friend.

4mend, you are so kind. I think you are very smart to have stopped doing the laundry ... and to have met with a L. Knowledge is power.

What can you do today to make your sitch better?
This is a wise question. I needed this reminder. THANK YOU.

Only thing I thought when I read it was why not go to the knick knack shop even if there was a closing time you were butting up against? Sometimes I wonder if we sabatoge our own outcomes because we presume what will happen?
Yes. You're exactly right. I was being a cry-baby because H wasn't "acting" too excited. He seemed rushed. I should have gone. We would have ended up having a great time. And I would have eaten something good instead of peanut-butter crackers for dinner! LOL. I stand in my own way a lot.

Thank y'all so much for the pats on the back. I needed them this week. You guys rock.

Train, I can't say that I have any clue what it's like to be in your shoes. I can say that I have has some similar events happen and I am feeling some similar emotions lately. But something struck me as I'm reading your long post above. What hit me is the fact that as I wrestle with this crap in my own head I feel much like you do, but as I read your story I'm able to grip and understand things differently and relate them back to my own situation. I know this. If you don't get a harness and saddle on that resentment and break it, quickly, it will devour you and everything you hold dear. I'm a poster child for resentment. It has destroyed marriages, friendships, careers, hobbies, you name it. And that's just scratching the surface of my life. I don't feel very qualified to even speak to you about your situation as you have far more flight time here and other veterans here know you and DBing much better, but that's what jumped out at me.

If you don't get a harness and saddle on that resentment and break it, quickly, it will devour you and everything you hold dear.
Jefe, thank you. And you are right. "Resentment," I believe, is the KEY word. It's absolutely key. I think it's one of the things I'm struggling with most.

I read a FB status by MWD not too long ago. I don't know if I posted about it here, but I did mention it in an email correspondence with my MIL, who is using her experiences in her 50-year marriage with FIL to really identify with and help me/us. Anyway, MWD said something to the effect of: All Ms have ups and downs. But it's COMMITMENT that holds it together during the down times.

And eureka. That's when it hit me: H has not been "committed." He hasn't been loyal. We've been M for 11 years. He has cheated twice.

I didn't realize until he came back this time that he had cheated on the girlfriend he had right before meeting me - a girlfriend he kept for 3 years. He told me all of this once he came back home. You would have NEVER been able to convince me, in the 18 months we dated before M, that he had cheated on someone. He never shared that, and I would not have believed it because he is such a doting, loving man who shows love better - and seemingly more genuinely - than any man I've ever known.

But he cheated on her. And he has cheated on me. There's nothing loyal about that. There's nothing committed about that. So what do we have in "down" times? THAT is where I'm worried. That's where I'm stuck. It's easy enough to say: "Well, don't have down times." But c'mon, ya know? Everybody has down times. Every marriage has down times. I'm worried about my H's commitment during those times, and I'm raging against that very thing. It makes it really hard to let go and "trust."

So, yeah, I have resentments I need to let go of. But I have worries moving forward, too. And they're pretty d@mn justified.

OK, so Resentment + Fear of the future. The first one you have total control over.

You do have total control over the second one too. The fear portion.

The future is going to bring whatever it brings but we ultimately have control over the fear. Now I say this not because I am any kind of expert or Fear-Fu master. I say this because I need to hear it too.

Just my 2�

And yes, you're justified and committed but only one of these can exist at a time.

The future is going to bring whatever it brings

Not necessarily, my friend. We have a lot more control over our futures than we think. That's the whole point of DBing, yes? The notion that ONE person can save a M (it takes one to tango) ... ?

My actions matter. Your actions matter. Scary stuff, actually.

But, yes, we DO have some control over our futures.

I'll make a deal with you, Jefe: I'll work real hard on my resentments if you promise you'll work on understanding that you have more control over your future than what you think you do.

Deal?

I just spit on my hand. Wanna shake on it?

Thank you, seriously, for your words tonight. I value them all so much.

And yes, you're justified and committed but only one of these can exist at a time.

Now THIS is poetry, my friend ...

I'm gonna chew on this REAL hard.

Deal... (wipes hand on pants...

)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Train, something came to mind about 3am this morning. (I still don't sleep much) Understand that I'm not saying this applies to you but it is something I think about.

I have to remember sometimes to not take the infidelity personally. They don't cheat to do it to us, more often that not they cheat without any bit of regard for us at all. Not that that's any better feeling but it's something. They do it as part of an extremely selfish and broken mechanism within themselves. I have to remind myself that it really has little to do with me.

I struggle with this thing too. Hardcore. I have been wasting a bunch of time living in the same thoughts you have been. But like I said before if we move forward choosing to be committed we are going to have to do something else with this stuff. If we move forward choosing to be "justified" we are most certainly going to find ourselves not very committed. At least that's my view of it this morning. I may feel very differently in an hour/day/week/month.

I have to remember sometimes to not take the infidelity personally. They don't cheat to do it to us, more often that not they cheat without any bit of regard for us at all ... They do it as part of an extremely selfish and broken mechanism within themselves.

Spot on, Jefe.

But that's precisely what I have trouble with. I can't control H ... or his impulses ... or what's broken about him ... or what his "mechanisms" are.

And I wouldn't WANT to control him. That would make him no different than a robot, and who could fall or stay in love with a robot? Not me!

But the fact that he DID handle two unhappy times in our M by running out and cheating - thinking the grass was greener - makes me terribly nervous going forward. I can't make him "fix" how he responds to unhappiness. I can try to make myself a better, more pleasant, person to be around. I can try to make our M a happier place to be. But who KNOWS what's going to make him unhappy next? Who's to say he won't handle the stress of it by thinking "the grass is greener" somewhere else?

I have to trust that he's learned that the grass isn't greener (perhaps it took him trying twice to figure that out). But trust, as most of us around here can understand, is something I don't have a whole lot of right now.

We're on shaky ground over here. But I think that's what piecing's supposed to look like.

Thank you SO much, Jefe.

No, you can't control his base impulses, Train. But you CAN have a great effect on his "wanna," both with carrot ("man, this new Train is NOT someone I wanna lose!") and with stick ("man, this new Train is NOT someone I wanna f%�k with!").

At the end of the day, that's all ANY of us can do.

Starsky

Ah-ha, Starsky. The ol' carrots-and-sticks lesson. That's something my spiritual mentor has worked on for several years with me.

Thank you for the valuable reminder, friend. That's good stuff.

Train-

Thanks for the update on your life. I hope your D is feeling well

I have no real advice... HeIl I rely on you to help me!!

But thank you for being real and voicing what some of us in this same sitch feel but can't always articulate. I hear you loud and clear and feel you on what you say. I get it.

Keep chugging along. Remember this may be how things are right now but right now isn't forever.

Remember this may be how things are right now but right now isn't forever.

I needed this today.

So I ended up getting a assignment at a fine dining restaurant about 30 minutes away... no payment but $200 for dinner & drinks... only catch is have to take a person of the opposite sex... so I ask H if he wants to go with me. First time out out together without kids since BD..... (so almost a year)

And I ended up drunk(had to order 4 drinks, supposed to be 2 each but H doesn't drink so I ended up with all 4) telling H all the reasons why we will never work, almost in tears.... then had to sober up and write a 3 page report, what fun!

What a way to ruin a nice dinner/evening out.... way to go me... NOT!

But thank you for being real and voicing what some of us in this same sitch feel but can't always articulate. I hear you loud and clear and feel you on what you say. I get it. Keep chugging along. Remember this may be how things are right now but right now isn't forever.
Sweet T0, thank you so much for this validation, darlin'. And for reminding me that "this, too, shall pass."

The weight is lifting. It occurred to me ... at 3 a.m. TODAY (Feb. 20) that yesterday was the antiversary of BD. Now read that again. Here I thought yesterday was going to be terrible, and I didn't even THINK of BD on Feb. 19!!!

So, yes, I do believe I see a light at the end of the tunnel. (But that suggests, of course, that I'm still in the tunnel.)

What a way to ruin a nice dinner/evening out.... way to go me... NOT!
LOL!!!! I don't mean to laugh, twin, but I am picturing you getting wasted at a fancy restaurant and then just letting it rip!

That gave me a good chuckle.

Honey, I have ruined no less than a dozen dates having unexpected meltdowns the past year. (I'm sure the drinks don't help. But you've earned them!)

I bet that 3-page report is freakin' awesome!!!

Omg, dealing with a flipping hangover....

Train. I should email you my reports and you can edit them.... I haven't heard from the editor yet telling me my report was full of typos and grammatical errors....

H seems to think the relationship between me and his family is fixable. I don't... even divorcing him I don't see myself wanting to be around his family.

I don't see myself wanting to be around his family.
Yep. Even if relationships with in-laws were great pre-BD (like mine were), strained relationships with in-laws = one of the many casualties of an A.

I hear you loud and clear. I darn near threw dynamite on my relationship with H's family while he was wayward last year. And I've expressed to them, since he returned, how little I respect how they handled things. I mean, not once did they question WTH H was thinking. It was alllll about "supporting him no matter what." It really helps shine a light, actually, on how and why H handles things the way he does: He's spoiled slap rotten.

Obviously, I know blood is thicker than water. But morals are morals. Values are values. I don't care WHO you are.

Ah well. I could spin my wheels about that all day ...

Bottom line is: I've learned that for myself at least, my love for my children is absolutely unconditional; my support of their choices, however, is decidedly not.

Omg, dealing with a flipping hangover....
My always trusty hangover cure: Drink another one! And cheers!

So not that I'm trying to be preachy (is that a word?) but I really try to remember when things are bad (and I'm pretty sure you said this to me before) if I think not being with H is the answer to end the hurt and turmoil me filing for D or having H leave won't change anything right now. I would still have the same hurt. None of us really know how things are going to end up but no matter which end of the tunnel you come out -- there will be light.

Which way you go is your decision because only you know what makes you happy. I know I vent and make emotional responses when things are bad or not my way so I am trying to work on that. Really working on this chill out period.

I am a hot mess and in no way should give advice which is really why I don't post to others much but do know i think you are strong and your H is a lucky man that he got 2 chances -- the ball is in your court and you hold more cards than you think. Maybe it's time to sit back and let things marinate and see how things go. Could you make small goals? Maybe a night out without talk of anything but casual topics (and maybe you could make it a short date this way there is less chance of heavy stuff coming into play).

Again, I am no expert as you know

Train,
As I was reading your thread, I felt like I was reading mine. I have been married 6 1/2 years and my husband cheated on me twice. How do I forgive him? I know I need to because I need to find peace within myself. Then I ask myself all the time, will I ever be able to trust him. As like you, I want to crawl into hole and just stay until my pain goes away. Then I think, is this marriage worth saving? Right now, I can't stand to be around him and then on the other hand I miss him. I'm not sure what I want at this moment. To stay in this marriage or set myself free.

Well I made it! Wedding anniversary today, also anniversary of H "walking out" (he came back for a few weeks then left for OW in March)
I am still alive!!!!

Yay Twin!

It's bomb day and I am a hot mess....
Still so angry, trying to let go of that for my own well being.

I hope one day my kids have no memory of OW. That may sound horrible but it still makes me sick to see the picture H took of OW cuddling D2 and captioning it "my princess and my queen"

Struggling today, big time.

Hi Twin

I'm so sorry it's a tough day. It's funny, sometimes we breeze through the antiversaries pretty well and sometimes they are....rough.

I can understand your feelings about the picture. I found some pictures of H and OW having a posh lunch out and they remain 'burned' into my memory.

The main thing today is look after you. Recognise you feel a mess. Give yourself some TLC, go back to bed if you can and pull the covers over your head. Read your book. Ring or visit a friend. But most of all, just get through the day intact. And then - know what? That's another horrible antiversary out of the way and this will be the worst one.

Thinking of you and sending huge hugs today ((((((TM))))))

No going back to bed... but as soon as H walked in I was "done" with kid responsibilities and went to take a hot bath. S13 ended up having a friend spend the night and they were up till after 2am playing Xbox. They are still sleeping and it's past 9, ahhhhh to be young again!

I had a hard time sleeping, almost got up to take something. H must have noticed because he rolled over and started rubbing my back/neck. Finally fell asleep and glad that day is over... now on to the day he actually moved out to be with OW :-( rough days.

Train -

How are things?

Train o dear Train . . . how about an update?

I hope you and D18-and-baby are well . . .

Hugs,

Starsky

Yea, is that baby here yet?

Awwwww, sweet friends. Thank y'all so much! I'm here. I took a short posting-hiatus when I realized that everyone was giving such amazing advice, and I couldn't really add much. Ironically, at the same time, my laptop keyboard broke (apparently thanks to a cereal-and-milk splash by D3), rendering me incapable of typing an "e" (unless I copy/paste one) or hitting my return button. *** I want y'all to think about that for a minute: "E." And "return." It's like I'm missing two thumbs over here!!! Lol.

Baby's due in mid-May. I threw D18 an "empowerment party" with about 50 of my dearest mamabear friends recently. It was AMAZING! She is being supported and buoyed by some of the strongest women I know, and she doesn't yet realize just how much it will all eventually mean to/for her.

She's doing great, working full-time hours, and her co-workers are keeping her spirits up. We are now chatting about after-baby work/college plans. It's crazy that everything's so close.

Still no involvement from BabyDaddy, but D18 still communicates with him in texts. Which p!sses me off. We've made his name off-limits here; any time he's mentioned, I start in about how she needs to respect and value herself more - traits I *know* I instilled in her. And she cries because she feels she doesn't know herself anymore. D18 approached Baby Daddy's mom a few weeks ago; she didn't tell (and still hasn't told) me about it. But apparently, BabyDaddy's mom said her son is too young to be supporting a family right now. (Do NOT get me started ...) And she apparently also said that if her son wants nothing to do with D18 and her baby, then she doesn't, either. (If any of you ever saw my long-winded, venting post in the "Hen House" thread a while back ... which was essentially an open discussion about how women contribute to the emasculation of men ... then you'll know just how much this situation has fueled my long-standing fire re: mothers raising sons with no balls.

)

Anyway, I have held back on telling D18 that I know about the conversation. She's very private. And I am trying to learn not to jump in and fix things for others, including my kids ... especially considering D18 is a legal adult. (That's one of my 180s from my DB days that I'm still practicing!

.) But it's hard because I'm hurting SO badly for her. I know how that rejection feels. And it's one thing for an adult to be rejected; it's totally different when someone rejects your child.

I took D18 on a date a few weeks ago, and it was great; she's a Quality Time gal, and it's been far too long since it's been just the two of us. I'm just sitting back and supporting HER in growing into her new skin. I keep telling her she is strong and creative and powerful enough to work her way through this. And I know she is ... and will. I just think it will take time. It just blows to sit back and watch someone I love SO much prolong her own pain and suffering by not heeding the advice from someone who has been there ... and who she has *watched* be there. But God knows all of us here have learned to have patience through THAT. So, yeah, the things I learned here help me even in my relationships with my grown children ...

Meanwhile, my fingers are working non-stop, designing art and invitations, making shower- and nursery-decorations, crocheting and sewing baby blankets ... and crib mobiles. Whew. I can't say I'm far enough removed from having D3 to have had time to "miss" this. But I'm so happy to see D18 smile as everything comes together. This has been rough on her. She's been rejected/abandoned by so many men in her life: her bio dad, her stepdad (twice) and now the father of her child. She will probably have some serious self-work to do eventually. But right now, it's one foot in front of the other. And Baby comes first.

H and I are doing well, too, ESPECIALLY considering the circumstances. Make no mistake: it's no cake-walk over here. But we are still working together and learning to navigate all this as a team. We are still talking about us a lot and supporting one another a lot. And our date nights are still etched in stone every week ... and fabulous!

I worry about what impact the baby will have on things. But I'm growing MORE relaxed as time moves on instead of more tense. And I think that's a great sign.

Thank y'all for checking in on me. I promise I'm still reading every day, several times a day. Maybe the "no e" is a blessing in disguise; since I have to write from my phone, I can't ramble as much!!! Speaking of which, I have a thumb cramp!!! Anddddddd I gotta go watch my Tarheels!

Heart all y'all to pieces!!!!

Tarheels?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(says the Cameron Crazy)

Easy now. Still licking my wounds from last night.

Train, thanks for checking in!! I was starting to worry about you.

I remember when two keys on my old BlackBerry (I think it was the "g" and the "h" keys) went out on me, and I had to do the "copy" and "paste" them, individually, from elsewhere. What a PITA!!!

Glad you and D18 and baby are doing well. My GD5 (and D26) will be here to visit starting on Sunday, and for a whole week . . . can't wait!!! She is also pregnant, with GD#3 due in mid-Sept!

Starsky