WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/12/15 04:25 PM
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/12/15 04:26 PM
Hey
I have an appointment with Sol tomorrow.
Thanks all
I have an appointment with Sol tomorrow.
Thanks all
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/12/15 06:13 PM
Hey Fade
No I wont be lying if anyone asks me why but the MB approach does seem a bit extreme. To me it just adds fuel to the fire. Everyone is going to find out at some point anyway. Both my parents already know, her work colleagues must have an idea and her family will no doubt be wondering. Why do I need to drop a bomb in there an hurt everyone. Im pretty sure my wife would hate me forever if I did that. As it stands I want to remain civil at the least as we have D8. As far as getting back together im not really sure I want to anyway. Think it is more my ego.
No I wont be lying if anyone asks me why but the MB approach does seem a bit extreme. To me it just adds fuel to the fire. Everyone is going to find out at some point anyway. Both my parents already know, her work colleagues must have an idea and her family will no doubt be wondering. Why do I need to drop a bomb in there an hurt everyone. Im pretty sure my wife would hate me forever if I did that. As it stands I want to remain civil at the least as we have D8. As far as getting back together im not really sure I want to anyway. Think it is more my ego.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/13/15 10:43 AM
got home last night in a bit of an aloof mood. My wife took exception to this. Asking what was wrong with me and do I want her to come and watch D8 skating. Its almost laughable the sh!t that comes out of her mouth
Anyway we all went ice skating. Me and D8 skated wife just watched which is good for D8
We got home and wife said so are you going to ask me about my counselling session. Ahh so that's what's wrong with her. I Thought she had been but didn't say a word on purpose of course.
Anyway she then gets into a deep and meaningful about her counselling session. I did say at the start that I didn't want to know, is between her and counsellor. Anyway she proceeds to tell me about it (most) getting a bit upset whilst doing so. I validated what she was saying and we talked a bit about what was said. She has laid it all to the counsellor, her mum, our marriage and situation we are in. This morning back to fantasy land of OM.
Anyway we all went ice skating. Me and D8 skated wife just watched which is good for D8
We got home and wife said so are you going to ask me about my counselling session. Ahh so that's what's wrong with her. I Thought she had been but didn't say a word on purpose of course.
Anyway she then gets into a deep and meaningful about her counselling session. I did say at the start that I didn't want to know, is between her and counsellor. Anyway she proceeds to tell me about it (most) getting a bit upset whilst doing so. I validated what she was saying and we talked a bit about what was said. She has laid it all to the counsellor, her mum, our marriage and situation we are in. This morning back to fantasy land of OM.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/13/15 11:54 PM
I read an excellent post today on surviving infidelity site in the wayward section by a user called etaoin. He had been in a long affair and he broke the whole thing down about how why when how it stopped everything. Very interesting. Hard to read though so be warned
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/14/15 11:33 AM
1 month down! Better than first 2 weeks. At least I'm eating. Hard this weekend with VD splashed everywhere and love songs all over the radio grrrr. Wife goes away on Sunday with d8 for a few nights which will make it more bearable.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/14/15 02:38 PM
Isn't it sad Ontheup that when the W is gone it is almost easier? I get mad/upset whatever that W is gone half the night but frankly we don't have much to say anyway so why have to feel uncomfortable. I hope the ladies have fun but more importantly, I hope you take the time to enjoy some things for yourself. Hang in there
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/14/15 06:04 PM
Hey 4
It is sad but I just cant take the BS anymore. I can barely look at her. She is constantly dangling the hope carrot out in front of me checking im still there for her. When she's not around at least I don't have to listen to the BS coming out of her mouth. It seems to have gotten worse over the last week or so as she falls deeper into her affair hole and count down to me leaving gets nearer. Rock bottom has to be somewhere. Crazy thing is i'm actually concerned for her mental state.
I managed to get a good deal on 2nd hand suite for my new place today so at least im progressing.
Hang in there buddy. Keep posting
It is sad but I just cant take the BS anymore. I can barely look at her. She is constantly dangling the hope carrot out in front of me checking im still there for her. When she's not around at least I don't have to listen to the BS coming out of her mouth. It seems to have gotten worse over the last week or so as she falls deeper into her affair hole and count down to me leaving gets nearer. Rock bottom has to be somewhere. Crazy thing is i'm actually concerned for her mental state.
I managed to get a good deal on 2nd hand suite for my new place today so at least im progressing.
Hang in there buddy. Keep posting
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/15/15 10:09 PM
Struggling to buy a car. Have 4k to spend but every one I rang about had been sold straight away grrr. Need to sort one this week
Had my first session with councilor. Went well with some good incite. Very emotional though. Wished I could have stayed longer. Going again in 2 weeks,
Had tea at my mums so some company while wife and d8 are away. Roast turkey and spuds lovely
Wife has been texting again tonight with general chit chat. I've ignored for the most part except about d8. Spoke to d8 as well. She's having a great time.
On my own at home which is a bit better.
Had my first session with councilor. Went well with some good incite. Very emotional though. Wished I could have stayed longer. Going again in 2 weeks,
Had tea at my mums so some company while wife and d8 are away. Roast turkey and spuds lovely
Wife has been texting again tonight with general chit chat. I've ignored for the most part except about d8. Spoke to d8 as well. She's having a great time.
On my own at home which is a bit better.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/15/15 11:31 PM
Don't ever feel bad for needing to stay strong in IC...that is your place....like here to be you, say how you feel and learn advice and mechanisms to deal with your own issues. I felt like I wasted time my first IC when I was a mess, and then realized it was because I was glad or relieved I was there and could just talk about me without having to smile and validate W or whatever. Hang in the up
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/16/15 07:34 PM
Thanks for posting details of the Etaoin thread. Had a proper read today - wow, it was very interesting! I'm a bit gutted that he hasn't finished telling his story yet. I'm keen to read the next bit about getting to self awareness.
One thing I picked up was that it almost didn't seem to matter what his LBS was doing, the A had to run it's course and fail. I'll keep an eye out for the final part.
One thing I picked up was that it almost didn't seem to matter what his LBS was doing, the A had to run it's course and fail. I'll keep an eye out for the final part.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/16/15 08:54 PM
Originally Posted By: Toots
Thanks for posting details of the Etaoin thread. Had a proper read today - wow, it was very interesting! I'm a bit gutted that he hasn't finished telling his story yet. I'm keen to read the next bit about getting to self awareness.
One thing I picked up was that it almost didn't seem to matter what his LBS was doing, the A had to run it's course and fail. I'll keep an eye out for the final part.
One thing I picked up was that it almost didn't seem to matter what his LBS was doing, the A had to run it's course and fail. I'll keep an eye out for the final part.
No it doesn't matter what the LBS does. However if the "world" who is talking to the WAS and the "world" in general thinks that LBS is so attractive, so fine, and has so much going on for themselves, the WAS can regain interest and attraction.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/16/15 09:37 PM
RE EXPOSURE...
Bingo...you are onto something valuable here.
Affairs sting like he11. SOME men can have affairs that "mean nothing" or mean very little about the marriage or wife.
SOME men have affairs that mean both parties in the m need to step it up a lot.
Why is it that when women have affairs, divorce is more likely? Is it b/c men just cannot forgive as well, or their egos are more fragile or society lets them get away with more?
OR is it b/c the affairs that wives have, mean more?
Most women who have affairs, your w included, feel at least mostly justified.
I almost had an Affair in year 9 of our m. At the time, I can honestly say h was so busy in his residency and work that I and our m were not priorities to him. Yes, I was very neglected. Rather than continuing to justify an EA which almost turned into a PA now, let me just sum it up...
I felt justified. I rationalized it very well. And yet, I still felt quite torn. After all, h wasn't at a bar drinking. We were both military (I joined b/c HE owed them for medical school) and I was being sent to a war zone, not him. I'm sure at some deep level that I wasn't fully aware of at that time, I might have resented him for that too.
I imagined the kids crying if I told them about a possible OM and a divorce and I could imagine my h doing that too. Those images killed me.
I sought counseling from a chaplain (surprisingly helpful) and a shrink (mediocre).
I ended the relationship which took some effort due to work related times. (I actually told my paralegal that I was "too attracted to OM" and she assisted me in creating distance between us til combat demands got him transferred).
My h never learned of it. If he had - and IF he had tried to shame me with it,
back then I suspect that my rationalizations and justifications would have ratcheted up up and away! I'd have likely filed for divorce.
Seriously. I would have felt cornered and trapped. I mean, IF HE tried to shame me I would have felt the need to defend myself.
(Remember that the more we challenge someone, the more we force them to defend their choices, instead of honestly assessing them).
OTOH, if he'd learned of it and tried to accommodate me more, increasing efforts in the marriage, that would have been good. But I shared with him how lonely I felt inside the marriage and we did some good work on our r, then.
I'm pretty sure this^^ is an example of how exposure would have eliminated any chance of reconciliation.
Read the book again if you still remain unconvinced. Your d will learn enough in time and when she's mature enough, and time has passed, your w will be better able to objectively see her behavior.
I am now able to review it more fairly. But back then I was in pain inside a very lonely marriage, I was convinced that passionate love was no longer feasible inside my marriage, which I craved...my needs had gone unmet for the years he'd been in medical school and we were in the 5th year of what seemed like an unrelentingly demanding life...so,
If you had thrown shame into that mixture, I'd have bolted for good. My suggestion for you is this:
BE the better man. Become a man only a fool would leave.
If your w is a fool, then in the long run, she's done you a favor.
Keep posting and keep on keeping on...
.
Originally Posted By: Ontheup
Hey Fade
No I wont be lying if anyone asks me why but the MB approach does seem a bit extreme. To me it just adds fuel to the fire. Everyone is going to find out at some point anyway.
I think it's VERY extreme. Short of pressing adultery charges (one wonders why they don't also suggest that), there's nothing they do not promote.
SHAMING is key here, and that is Not healthy. I can't see a noble streak in there at all. I believe it always always looks vindictive on the LBS's part.
And here's the ironic truth:
Exposure does NOT make the LBS look like the sympathetic victim, in the end.
An example from real life. I am the administrator for my HS class FB page. We keep each other informed about our lives and all Reunion information is shared there. It has 400+ classmates on it.
A few years back a STBXW posted something about her H (a classmate) and OW (also a classmate). I had not seen it as I'm not that active on FB...
Several people contacted me to ask me to delete the message. (Note: Every single person who mentioned it, asked me to delete it).
It was a message from the LBW who wrote "Don't let OW (Named) steal your h, like she stole mine last year"... No one had commented or "liked" it or said a thing, yet enough had seen it to alert me. I deleted it.
NOT ONE of the people who saw it and commented to ME, expressed sympathy for the wife.
Everyone felt she should not have aired her dirty laundry, let alone on our class FB page.
A few called her crazy, others said "She has problems", and one person even said "no wonder h left her" (OUCH! That hurt just to read.)
I did not detect anyone being angry or shocked or disappointed in the classmates having the affair. I do wonder if we'd just learned of it on our own, maybe we'd have felt some sympathy towards the LBW or maybe some judgement about the classmates...but I'll never know. Presumably,
The goal of the LBW's exposure was either to SHAME her H & OW
AND OR to end the affair.
But neither thing happened, and SHE is worse off than before.
(Plus, it's not like we would not have figured out the affair when we saw them together anyhow. Then, I might have said something to the OW b/c she's a friend of mine.)
I know some men and women who have come back from affairs. I've seen about 8 marriages survive affairs (not one night stands but actual affairs of some duration).
Only one affair then involved expousre, but that m ended anyhow, about 4 years later. I don't think there was much joy in that home with the pseudo reconciliation either.
Turns out that shame is a turn off for women...in that case I honestly believe the affair would have ended anyhow and maybe they could have recovered.
According to the wife, (who I'm sure is biased, but still), it was the H's behavior and his "humiliating" her, that eventually got her to leave for good.
She regrets NOT the affair, but the "4 wasted years of a fake marriage" and
Again, Ouch.
Both my parents already know, her work colleagues must have an idea and her family will no doubt be wondering. Why do I need to drop a bomb in there an hurt everyone.
Indeed, WHY? What possible advantage TO YOU, is there? I understand the urge to damage her. It's not noble, but it is understandable.
And I am not suggesting you lie or cover for her. But why would YOU be the party to expose her A behavior? Isn't it just, beneath you?
Have you read the piece in Div Busting books that advise against exposure? IT's in there. So my real question is, if you have read it, why are you still asking about it?
I mean, what's the thing you are not clear on? You are on a Div Bsuting site asking us why you should adhere to the Div Busting program. I'm thinking, b/c we are not about shaming here. We are about restoring marriages and getting them thru a crisis period...shame plays no part in a healthy marriage. Feeling remorse is not the same thing and that is also something that we cannot cause in someone else...do you get that?
While there are many good, differing opinions on which approaches to take,
SOME pieces of these approaches are mutually exclusive and to me, this is a big one that is not to be mixed with other methods.
I still don't know why MB doesn't advocate carving a scarlet letter. I believe they DO advocate pressing adultery as grounds for divorce in the relevant states.
I ponder that, for the following reasons:
Adultery claims do NOT affect child support
OR custody (unless other factors are present)
and it does not affect property settlements.
So tell me, what the heck is the reason for pressing this matter, if Not to shame the person? How healthy a goal, how noble a purpose - is that?
[b
So if restoring a marriage is the goal, then the purpose of exposure still escapes me....[/b]
But that's not to say I don't understand the urge. By God, I surely do...
Im pretty sure my wife would hate me forever if I did that. As it stands I want to remain civil at the least as we have D8. As far as getting back together I'm not really sure I want to anyway. Think it is more my ego.
No I wont be lying if anyone asks me why but the MB approach does seem a bit extreme. To me it just adds fuel to the fire. Everyone is going to find out at some point anyway.
I think it's VERY extreme. Short of pressing adultery charges (one wonders why they don't also suggest that), there's nothing they do not promote.
SHAMING is key here, and that is Not healthy. I can't see a noble streak in there at all. I believe it always always looks vindictive on the LBS's part.
And here's the ironic truth:
Exposure does NOT make the LBS look like the sympathetic victim, in the end.
An example from real life. I am the administrator for my HS class FB page. We keep each other informed about our lives and all Reunion information is shared there. It has 400+ classmates on it.
A few years back a STBXW posted something about her H (a classmate) and OW (also a classmate). I had not seen it as I'm not that active on FB...
Several people contacted me to ask me to delete the message. (Note: Every single person who mentioned it, asked me to delete it).
It was a message from the LBW who wrote "Don't let OW (Named) steal your h, like she stole mine last year"... No one had commented or "liked" it or said a thing, yet enough had seen it to alert me. I deleted it.
NOT ONE of the people who saw it and commented to ME, expressed sympathy for the wife.
Everyone felt she should not have aired her dirty laundry, let alone on our class FB page.
A few called her crazy, others said "She has problems", and one person even said "no wonder h left her" (OUCH! That hurt just to read.)
I did not detect anyone being angry or shocked or disappointed in the classmates having the affair. I do wonder if we'd just learned of it on our own, maybe we'd have felt some sympathy towards the LBW or maybe some judgement about the classmates...but I'll never know. Presumably,
The goal of the LBW's exposure was either to SHAME her H & OW
AND OR to end the affair.
But neither thing happened, and SHE is worse off than before.
(Plus, it's not like we would not have figured out the affair when we saw them together anyhow. Then, I might have said something to the OW b/c she's a friend of mine.)
I know some men and women who have come back from affairs. I've seen about 8 marriages survive affairs (not one night stands but actual affairs of some duration).
Only one affair then involved expousre, but that m ended anyhow, about 4 years later. I don't think there was much joy in that home with the pseudo reconciliation either.
Turns out that shame is a turn off for women...in that case I honestly believe the affair would have ended anyhow and maybe they could have recovered.
According to the wife, (who I'm sure is biased, but still), it was the H's behavior and his "humiliating" her, that eventually got her to leave for good.
She regrets NOT the affair, but the "4 wasted years of a fake marriage" and
Again, Ouch.
Both my parents already know, her work colleagues must have an idea and her family will no doubt be wondering. Why do I need to drop a bomb in there an hurt everyone.
Indeed, WHY? What possible advantage TO YOU, is there? I understand the urge to damage her. It's not noble, but it is understandable.
And I am not suggesting you lie or cover for her. But why would YOU be the party to expose her A behavior? Isn't it just, beneath you?
Have you read the piece in Div Busting books that advise against exposure? IT's in there. So my real question is, if you have read it, why are you still asking about it?
I mean, what's the thing you are not clear on? You are on a Div Bsuting site asking us why you should adhere to the Div Busting program. I'm thinking, b/c we are not about shaming here. We are about restoring marriages and getting them thru a crisis period...shame plays no part in a healthy marriage. Feeling remorse is not the same thing and that is also something that we cannot cause in someone else...do you get that?
While there are many good, differing opinions on which approaches to take,
SOME pieces of these approaches are mutually exclusive and to me, this is a big one that is not to be mixed with other methods.
I still don't know why MB doesn't advocate carving a scarlet letter. I believe they DO advocate pressing adultery as grounds for divorce in the relevant states.
I ponder that, for the following reasons:
Adultery claims do NOT affect child support
OR custody (unless other factors are present)
and it does not affect property settlements.
So tell me, what the heck is the reason for pressing this matter, if Not to shame the person? How healthy a goal, how noble a purpose - is that?
[b
So if restoring a marriage is the goal, then the purpose of exposure still escapes me....[/b]
But that's not to say I don't understand the urge. By God, I surely do...
Im pretty sure my wife would hate me forever if I did that. As it stands I want to remain civil at the least as we have D8. As far as getting back together I'm not really sure I want to anyway. Think it is more my ego.
Bingo...you are onto something valuable here.
Affairs sting like he11. SOME men can have affairs that "mean nothing" or mean very little about the marriage or wife.
SOME men have affairs that mean both parties in the m need to step it up a lot.
Why is it that when women have affairs, divorce is more likely? Is it b/c men just cannot forgive as well, or their egos are more fragile or society lets them get away with more?
OR is it b/c the affairs that wives have, mean more?
Most women who have affairs, your w included, feel at least mostly justified.
I almost had an Affair in year 9 of our m. At the time, I can honestly say h was so busy in his residency and work that I and our m were not priorities to him. Yes, I was very neglected. Rather than continuing to justify an EA which almost turned into a PA now, let me just sum it up...
I felt justified. I rationalized it very well. And yet, I still felt quite torn. After all, h wasn't at a bar drinking. We were both military (I joined b/c HE owed them for medical school) and I was being sent to a war zone, not him. I'm sure at some deep level that I wasn't fully aware of at that time, I might have resented him for that too.
I imagined the kids crying if I told them about a possible OM and a divorce and I could imagine my h doing that too. Those images killed me.
I sought counseling from a chaplain (surprisingly helpful) and a shrink (mediocre).
I ended the relationship which took some effort due to work related times. (I actually told my paralegal that I was "too attracted to OM" and she assisted me in creating distance between us til combat demands got him transferred).
My h never learned of it. If he had - and IF he had tried to shame me with it,
back then I suspect that my rationalizations and justifications would have ratcheted up up and away! I'd have likely filed for divorce.
Seriously. I would have felt cornered and trapped. I mean, IF HE tried to shame me I would have felt the need to defend myself.
(Remember that the more we challenge someone, the more we force them to defend their choices, instead of honestly assessing them).
OTOH, if he'd learned of it and tried to accommodate me more, increasing efforts in the marriage, that would have been good. But I shared with him how lonely I felt inside the marriage and we did some good work on our r, then.
I'm pretty sure this^^ is an example of how exposure would have eliminated any chance of reconciliation.
Read the book again if you still remain unconvinced. Your d will learn enough in time and when she's mature enough, and time has passed, your w will be better able to objectively see her behavior.
I am now able to review it more fairly. But back then I was in pain inside a very lonely marriage, I was convinced that passionate love was no longer feasible inside my marriage, which I craved...my needs had gone unmet for the years he'd been in medical school and we were in the 5th year of what seemed like an unrelentingly demanding life...so,
If you had thrown shame into that mixture, I'd have bolted for good. My suggestion for you is this:
BE the better man. Become a man only a fool would leave.
If your w is a fool, then in the long run, she's done you a favor.
Keep posting and keep on keeping on...
.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/16/15 10:03 PM
Hey toots
It was a very good article and very informative. Basically spelled out what we already know, affairs run their course just as the first throws of passion in any new relationship do.
I think of it this way, that if someone had tried to drag me away from my wife when we first started seeing each other would I have listened?
No, no way because the feelings of love are so strong. WAS is no different. They are having those feelings of love. difference is its all secret so not a "normal" relationship. When those feelings start to die down and you start to see that other person warts and all then can it stand the test of time. That is the million dollar question. Odds say it wont. Will I still be around? Right now I cant answer that question. Time away from each other will only let me know that. I have felt better these last 2 days being away from her than I have for the last month. I still miss talking to her and miss D8 very much but I feel more relaxed without wife here. I haven't involved myself with her temperature checking for the last 2 days. I have only spoken and text when it has been about d8.
It was a very good article and very informative. Basically spelled out what we already know, affairs run their course just as the first throws of passion in any new relationship do.
I think of it this way, that if someone had tried to drag me away from my wife when we first started seeing each other would I have listened?
No, no way because the feelings of love are so strong. WAS is no different. They are having those feelings of love. difference is its all secret so not a "normal" relationship. When those feelings start to die down and you start to see that other person warts and all then can it stand the test of time. That is the million dollar question. Odds say it wont. Will I still be around? Right now I cant answer that question. Time away from each other will only let me know that. I have felt better these last 2 days being away from her than I have for the last month. I still miss talking to her and miss D8 very much but I feel more relaxed without wife here. I haven't involved myself with her temperature checking for the last 2 days. I have only spoken and text when it has been about d8.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/16/15 10:26 PM
Hey 25
This was written a few days ago after stumbling across MB. after thought I agree, the bomb method just doesn't seem to add up. Why would I want to shame my wife back to me? I wouldn't. Also she is a fighter. She will lash out when her back is against the wall.
He has nothing to lose as already divorced apart from relationship with his kids and family which from what I've read is already terrible as they already believe he is having an affair with my wife.
I've also read on another site of 2 suicides due to being outed for an affair. I don't want that on my conscience.
I don't think I need to force her down the rabbit hole any further. She has done a good enough job of that herself. This is for her to sort out. She has got herself into this situation. She is an intelligent woman and will know exactly what is at stake here. I will leave her to make her own choices about what she wants to do. She is the one who will have to live with the consequences of those choices.
My councillor asked me do I want my wife back and honestly I couldn't answer. Do I want my wife back of about 5 years ago? Absolutely. Has too much damage been done by both of us to each other in that time period? I don't know, maybe
The idea of wanting her back is very strong. The realities of that are that I wasn't and haven't been happy for along time either. day to day interaction we are still get on very well but the closeness we had left as we both stopped working on the marriage.
Being apart will give us both time to reflect. I'm working on me.
I have changed for the better these last 6 months. My wife even said last week why couldn't I have been this man years ago. These are permanent fixtures now. I took my life, my wife and D8 for granted. Never again will I make those mistakes.
Last 2 days have been easier and I have realised I will be ok.
Am I a man only a fool would leave? I think im getting there.
This was written a few days ago after stumbling across MB. after thought I agree, the bomb method just doesn't seem to add up. Why would I want to shame my wife back to me? I wouldn't. Also she is a fighter. She will lash out when her back is against the wall.
He has nothing to lose as already divorced apart from relationship with his kids and family which from what I've read is already terrible as they already believe he is having an affair with my wife.
I've also read on another site of 2 suicides due to being outed for an affair. I don't want that on my conscience.
I don't think I need to force her down the rabbit hole any further. She has done a good enough job of that herself. This is for her to sort out. She has got herself into this situation. She is an intelligent woman and will know exactly what is at stake here. I will leave her to make her own choices about what she wants to do. She is the one who will have to live with the consequences of those choices.
My councillor asked me do I want my wife back and honestly I couldn't answer. Do I want my wife back of about 5 years ago? Absolutely. Has too much damage been done by both of us to each other in that time period? I don't know, maybe
The idea of wanting her back is very strong. The realities of that are that I wasn't and haven't been happy for along time either. day to day interaction we are still get on very well but the closeness we had left as we both stopped working on the marriage.
Being apart will give us both time to reflect. I'm working on me.
I have changed for the better these last 6 months. My wife even said last week why couldn't I have been this man years ago. These are permanent fixtures now. I took my life, my wife and D8 for granted. Never again will I make those mistakes.
Last 2 days have been easier and I have realised I will be ok.
Am I a man only a fool would leave? I think im getting there.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/16/15 10:42 PM
I feel shame when I read the above article Ontheup as I am the person that ratted out W to her parents. And no matter where we look, we can find an article that says both sides. I told W's parents before I even knew about this place. But that link you provided about the cycle of an affair said that the family's pressure has something there but the spouse has none. The family wouldn't know unless someone told them. IDK.
I read your story every day. For inspiration for me, education, and I want to tell you, keep it up sir. Your work on you is fantastic and reminds me to go swimming again tomorrow morning
I read your story every day. For inspiration for me, education, and I want to tell you, keep it up sir. Your work on you is fantastic and reminds me to go swimming again tomorrow morning
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/16/15 10:47 PM
"Has too much damage been done by both of us to each other in that time period? I don't know, maybe"
That's up to you. There can never be so much damage that things can't be healed.
That's up to you. There can never be so much damage that things can't be healed.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/16/15 11:04 PM
Sounds like you are on the right path Ontheup. Thumps up for you. You'll make it.
Now I'll read this article/thread everyone is talking about. Bc I'm on the brink of family getting involved. Sensitive topic. Where can I find it?
Now I'll read this article/thread everyone is talking about. Bc I'm on the brink of family getting involved. Sensitive topic. Where can I find it?
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/16/15 11:08 PM
Originally Posted By: MrBond
"Has too much damage been done by both of us to each other in that time period? I don't know, maybe"
That's up to you. There can never be so much damage that things can't be healed.
That's up to you. There can never be so much damage that things can't be healed.
Forgiveness is a learned skill. I never saw it growing up and I literally did not know HOW to do it, once I decided I wanted to. And forgiving her does not necessarily require you to reconcile, but to let go of the pain you are in now.
But it is something you must do, for yourself...when you grasp what that means, when you really get that holding onto your pain is not in your interest (or anyone's, and certainly not in your d's), then you'll know you have made more progress.
And if you do reconcile, it'll be a task for both of you. Among other things, she'll have to regain your trust AND you will have to regain hers.
Because why should she return to a marriage she wanted out of, unless there is is some promise of her needs being better met? And you had an "indiscretion" (great euphemism, btw) as well. While you don't seem to think they are similar, to her I am sure they are very similar. Regardless, I'm sure you'd agree that those things cannot happen again either.
You'll have to avoid ever throwing it in her face or holding it over her head, and she'll have to own some tough things to own.
In short, you'll have to do what the vows suggest, and go
"From this day forward", which means letting go of the past. I think those words were brilliantly inserted into my vows and they mean A LOT.
Give yourself a lot of time. You have it at the moment.
((( )))
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/17/15 08:19 AM
Originally Posted By: Complex
Sounds like you are on the right path Ontheup. Thumps up for you. You'll make it.
Now I'll read this article/thread everyone is talking about. Bc I'm on the brink of family getting involved. Sensitive topic. Where can I find it?
Now I'll read this article/thread everyone is talking about. Bc I'm on the brink of family getting involved. Sensitive topic. Where can I find it?
Hey complex. Thanks for the support
The article i read is on surviving infidelity site under wayward section its called "coming up on 2 years NC" page 8 by a user called etaoin. Its a very difficult read as its written by a man who had a fairly long affair. I found it very informative. He goes into how it started why it continued and why it ended. Be warned it goes into full details. Im probably going to get told off for keep telling people about it on here
but it is the best article i have seen yet about affairs.As far as the telling the family and exposing it, that is on another site that i wont mention. Their train of thought is basically dropping a nuclear bomb on the affair and telling everyone there by shaming the AP's so much that they break it off. Not a route im going down. My parents know. They had guessed already and some of my work colleagues know. As far as my wifes friends and family not a single person knows. If my family guessed though then it wont take much for her family and friends to realise as well. Certainly if they continue and try and have a "normal" relationship then everyone will know. Again this is not my issue.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/17/15 08:39 AM
Originally Posted By: 4mendmj
I feel shame when I read the above article Ontheup as I am the person that ratted out W to her parents. And no matter where we look, we can find an article that says both sides. I told W's parents before I even knew about this place. But that link you provided about the cycle of an affair said that the family's pressure has something there but the spouse has none. The family wouldn't know unless someone told them. IDK.
I read your story every day. For inspiration for me, education, and I want to tell you, keep it up sir. Your work on you is fantastic and reminds me to go swimming again tomorrow morning
I read your story every day. For inspiration for me, education, and I want to tell you, keep it up sir. Your work on you is fantastic and reminds me to go swimming again tomorrow morning
Hey 4
You did what you thought was best at the time. Ive done loads of stuff i look back on and wish i hadnt. everyone does. There is a lot of information some of it very conflicting so yes its hard to know what to do for the best partly why i have gone to see a marriage councilor. Im sticking to what im doing which is detaching completly from the situation. My wife and AP are in a hole. A very deep one. Dont think i need to be in that hole bashing her over the head with a shame stick. Im sure she already feels shame and guilt even though she doesnt show it.
Its just my story. Im no expert in what to do and have no magic wand but it helps me by posting and reading others. Glad it helps you. Yes definatley get out swimming.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/17/15 09:21 AM
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: MrBond
"Has too much damage been done by both of us to each other in that time period? I don't know, maybe"
That's up to you. There can never be so much damage that things can't be healed.
That's up to you. There can never be so much damage that things can't be healed.
Forgiveness is a learned skill. I never saw it growing up and I literally did not know HOW to do it, once I decided I wanted to. And forgiving her does not necessarily require you to reconcile, but to let go of the pain you are in now.
But it is something you must do, for yourself...when you grasp what that means, when you really get that holding onto your pain is not in your interest (or anyone's, and certainly not in your d's), then you'll know you have made more progress.
And if you do reconcile, it'll be a task for both of you. Among other things, she'll have to regain your trust AND you will have to regain hers.
Because why should she return to a marriage she wanted out of, unless there is is some promise of her needs being better met? And you had an "indiscretion" (great euphemism, btw) as well. While you don't seem to think they are similar, to her I am sure they are very similar. Regardless, I'm sure you'd agree that those things cannot happen again either.
You'll have to avoid ever throwing it in her face or holding it over her head, and she'll have to own some tough things to own.
In short, you'll have to do what the vows suggest, and go
"From this day forward", which means letting go of the past. I think those words were brilliantly inserted into my vows and they mean A LOT.
Give yourself a lot of time. You have it at the moment.
((( )))
Hey 25, Mr Bond.
Very true words again. Looking at some of the most terrible crimes commited you often hear of people showing forgiveness.
I dont hold hate in my heart, I cant as im 50% responsible for the failure of our marriage. Some days i feel a great sense of forgiveness, some days i feel angry. Its still too soon to fully understand how i feel. She is still constantly tempreture checking at the moment so its hard for me to detach.
I to never saw foregiveness growing up. My parents divorced and hated each other. My mum still holds that hate for what my dad did regarding him having an affair. Only now do i see how wrong that is.
Youve got me 25, i am down playing my own infideilty. People i have told about what is going on know full well what i have done. Im ashamed and feel guilty about what i have done. The truth is that i am stuggling to reconcile what ive done with what my wife is still doing. i suppose this is where me taking responsabilty for my own actions comes in.
I dont bring up anything about her continuing her affair. I dont need to. Everyone who has ever been in an affair knows it is wrong. That doesnt stop people doing it though. We are only human after all.
Time will tell whether we can reconcile our marriage. I still dont know how i feel. For us to do so she would have to give an awful lot up. For one there would be NC with other man which means one or both woud have to leave the business. This may mean that it would need to be sold. At the moment she isnt prepared to do that.
as you've said before, i have a gift, gift of time, i'm going to use it wisely to work on me.
Thanks for all your help guys. It is very much appreciated
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/17/15 09:48 AM
Originally Posted By: Ontheup
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
[quote=MrBond]"Has too much damage been done by both of us to each other in that time period? I don't know, maybe"
That's up to you. There can never be so much damage that things can't be healed.
That's up to you. There can never be so much damage that things can't be healed.
Forgiveness is a learned skill. I never saw it growing up
Hey 25, Mr Bond.
Very true words again. Looking at some of the most terrible crimes commited you often hear of people showing forgiveness.
I dont hold hate in my heart, I cant as im 50% responsible for the failure of our marriage. Some days i feel a great sense of forgiveness, some days i feel angry. Its still too soon to fully understand how i feel. She is still constantly temperature checking at the moment so its hard for me to detach.
In a way, since it indicates some concern on her end (as opposed to indifference), then maybe you can detach BECAUSE you know there's some interest....
Make sense? If she looks your way, you want to use those moments or interactions as opportunities for her to see the new improved YOU. Make the most of them.
I to never saw foregiveness growing up. My parents divorced and hated each other. My mum still holds that hate for what my dad did regarding him having an affair. Only now do i see how wrong that is.
Sad, but a useful ^^^^ lesson. I'll have to share another one I learned growing up, later. But for now, the phrase that might have changed your mom's life is this one:
"Holding onto anger, to punish someone else,
is like lighting yourself on fire.....................to get smoke in their eyes."
Youve got me 25, i am down playing my own infideilty. People i have told about what is going on know full well what i have done. Im ashamed and feel guilty about what i have done. The truth is that i am struggling to reconcile what ive done with what my wife is still doing. i suppose this is where me taking responsabilty for my own actions comes in.
IF you know in your heart that the "incidents" you had with her bff, are not threats to the marriage, (meaning, it did not mean much to you then or now), then you'll have to accept that she may come to feel the same way about OM, down the road.
Obviously he means something to her now, and presumably more than your OW meant to you, but that is not relevant.
I'm saying if you know your past A isn't going to repeat itself, then why couldn't you imagine your w feeling the same way?
BTW, why'd you choose her bff to flirt with, if you know? It's quite a sabotage, if you know what I mean. I'm kind of wondering if it was a big hostile act on your part or clueless or what. Not trying to bash you too hard, but dang, that's a low blow. Got any Ideas?
I dont bring up anything about her continuing her affair. I dont need to.
Well, why would you?
IF and When SHE brings up a recon, then maybe that would be the time. But while she's in the midst of ardor and confusion and what she thinks might be love, and still stinging from your betrayals,
say nothing of it.
Everyone who has ever been in an affair knows it is wrong. That doesnt stop people doing it though. We are only human after all.
Time will tell whether we can reconcile our marriage. I still dont know how i feel. For us to do so she would have to give an awful lot up.
As I think I said, almost every woman I've known who had an affair, felt justified at the time.
But Instead of coming up with obstacles to even wanting a reconciliation now, long before they are "Due", don't bother. That slows your own work and gives you reasons for not trying to be the best h you can be. You're shutting yourself down before you need to IF you ever do need to.
(BTW how are you going to "give up" HER BFF? How are you going to match any type of behavior change - that might be Fairly applied? Be mindful of the double standards...
Finally, instead of seeing how SHE would have to "give an awful lot up", why not plan on offering/giving HER - more - of YOU? Be the better catch.
For one there would be NC with other man which means one or both woud have to leave the business. This may mean that it would need to be sold. At the moment she isn't prepared to do that.
Yes that is a lot. IT's too much to think of or do, at the moment. But you don't need to plan that far in advance.
When it becomes self evident that you are indeed a man only a fool would leave, the choice will not be as hard for her, as losing you forever.
as you've said before, i have a gift, gift of time, i'm going to use it wisely to work on me.
Thanks for all your help guys. It is very much appreciated
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/17/15 10:28 AM
BFF?
my wife doesnt personally know nor has ever met the other woman. I have never seen not contacted the other woman since.
This other women is from where i used to live growing up so my wife contacted a mutual friend who still lives there to find out who she is.
Think we got lost in translation as far as it being my wifes friend. this is not the case
my wife doesnt personally know nor has ever met the other woman. I have never seen not contacted the other woman since.
This other women is from where i used to live growing up so my wife contacted a mutual friend who still lives there to find out who she is.
Think we got lost in translation as far as it being my wifes friend. this is not the case
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/17/15 03:54 PM
For the record, exposure -- properly taught (and there is a TON of both research and application of it out there, if one wants to look) is NOT about "shaming" whatsoever. The concept behind exposure is to remove the shroud of secrecy and intrigue that fuels affairs, and to enlist the support of those pro-marriage people whom are close to the cheater in an effort to apply loving pressure to end the affair. Period.
I wasn't going to chime in here, but seeing what is generally considered a very valid infidelity-fighting tool so grossly mischaracterized changed my mind.
That being side, it is NOT taught by DB/DR, and not advocated here, and many of the people who are asking about it (in my opinion) are nowhere NEAR ready to handle it properly, should they decide to do it.
I'd advise to draw the line at "OK, so I won't proactively exposure, but I'm no longer going to lie to cover up his/her affair, either" . . . and leave it at that.
Starsky
I wasn't going to chime in here, but seeing what is generally considered a very valid infidelity-fighting tool so grossly mischaracterized changed my mind.
That being side, it is NOT taught by DB/DR, and not advocated here, and many of the people who are asking about it (in my opinion) are nowhere NEAR ready to handle it properly, should they decide to do it.
I'd advise to draw the line at "OK, so I won't proactively exposure, but I'm no longer going to lie to cover up his/her affair, either" . . . and leave it at that.
Starsky
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/17/15 04:13 PM
Hey Starsky
Thats where Im at. I wont be exposing to all her family and friends. I understand there would be a big light shone on it which would remove the secrecy, a bi product of that would be having to deal with the shame.
If i did expose at the moment it woud be for the wrong reasons. e.g. revenge
She is a grown intelligent woman this is her mess, her problem and she needs to find a way out herself.
Thats where Im at. I wont be exposing to all her family and friends. I understand there would be a big light shone on it which would remove the secrecy, a bi product of that would be having to deal with the shame.
If i did expose at the moment it woud be for the wrong reasons. e.g. revenge
She is a grown intelligent woman this is her mess, her problem and she needs to find a way out herself.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/17/15 10:12 PM
[quote=Starsky309]For the record, exposure -- properly taught (and there is a TON of both research and application of it out there, if one wants to look) is NOT about "shaming" whatsoever. The concept behind exposure is to remove the shroud of secrecy and intrigue that fuels affairs, and to enlist the support of those pro-marriage people whom are close to the cheater in an effort to apply loving pressure to end the affair. Period.
We seem to do a lot of "point, counter point" on this topic & I guess some could be confused. Starsky, your description above^^, is well worded. But it's not really exposure you are discussing, imo, so much as "no more lying" for the WAS.
I've consistently and clearly supported that position. No LBS should feel compelled to cover for - or lie for their cheating spouse. (That's not exposure in my book, and it's not what MWD refers to or means when she uses the term.)
By exposure I mean telling others that your spouse is having an affair.
Most people who want to do that, imo, are doing so for the wrong reasons (i.e. to punish, to shame, to control, to "get the WAS to see/do/act" differently, etc). I gave an actual example of that, in my post, on this very thread.
But the LBSers who learn of an affair are usually in such a state of emotional pain, they are not able to objectively view their situation, or even their motivation. Your description above would be an option if they were objective AND if they were being asked to cover for their wayward spouse. Your comments would be totally appropriate.
RE true exposure as opposed to simply not enabling, let me say this.
As a world class rationalizer myself, I'd really PAUSE... if/when someone suggests that exposing would "benefit the situation." B/C I know I could come up with a reason for acting on my anger, with the idea of "getting justice", or "just being honest", when in fact most of my motivation would be to "wake" up (control/hurt/shame) the WAS even if I didn't admit it to myself. Let's face it, being betrayed is humiliating. And the first chance we get to do the same to them, in a smaller way (via telling), can be very appealing and darn easy to justify.
I suspect that's part of why MWD strongly urges us NOT to act on this ^^desire, b/c simply put, we're too mad to think straight.
Since this discussion is now really about semantics, hopefully we can move along.
-
We seem to do a lot of "point, counter point" on this topic & I guess some could be confused. Starsky, your description above^^, is well worded. But it's not really exposure you are discussing, imo, so much as "no more lying" for the WAS.
I've consistently and clearly supported that position. No LBS should feel compelled to cover for - or lie for their cheating spouse. (That's not exposure in my book, and it's not what MWD refers to or means when she uses the term.)
By exposure I mean telling others that your spouse is having an affair.
Most people who want to do that, imo, are doing so for the wrong reasons (i.e. to punish, to shame, to control, to "get the WAS to see/do/act" differently, etc). I gave an actual example of that, in my post, on this very thread.
But the LBSers who learn of an affair are usually in such a state of emotional pain, they are not able to objectively view their situation, or even their motivation. Your description above would be an option if they were objective AND if they were being asked to cover for their wayward spouse. Your comments would be totally appropriate.
RE true exposure as opposed to simply not enabling, let me say this.
As a world class rationalizer myself, I'd really PAUSE... if/when someone suggests that exposing would "benefit the situation." B/C I know I could come up with a reason for acting on my anger, with the idea of "getting justice", or "just being honest", when in fact most of my motivation would be to "wake" up (control/hurt/shame) the WAS even if I didn't admit it to myself. Let's face it, being betrayed is humiliating. And the first chance we get to do the same to them, in a smaller way (via telling), can be very appealing and darn easy to justify.
I suspect that's part of why MWD strongly urges us NOT to act on this ^^desire, b/c simply put, we're too mad to think straight.
Since this discussion is now really about semantics, hopefully we can move along.
-
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/17/15 10:18 PM
Originally Posted By: Ontheup
BFF?
my wife doesnt personally know nor has ever met the other woman. I have never seen not contacted the other woman since.
This other women is from where i used to live growing up so my wife contacted a mutual friend who still lives there to find out who she is.
Think we got lost in translation as far as it being my wifes friend. this is not the case
my wife doesnt personally know nor has ever met the other woman. I have never seen not contacted the other woman since.
This other women is from where i used to live growing up so my wife contacted a mutual friend who still lives there to find out who she is.
Think we got lost in translation as far as it being my wifes friend. this is not the case
Fair enough but yet, you said this:
Youve got me 25, i am down playing my own infideilty. People i have told about what is going on know full well what i have done. Im ashamed and feel guilty about what i have done. The truth is that i am struggling to reconcile what ive done with what my wife is still doing. i suppose this is where me taking responsabilty for my own actions comes in.
Did your wife tell others about it and if so, how'd you feel then? Why'd you tell others?
BTW, I don't think it's bad that you did, as long as it didn't further embarrass your wife. But what do you mean about reconciling what you did, with what she is?
Do you feel like it has to be "even", at some subconscious level? B/C if you do, I'd have to wonder if your w felt the same thing. Like she has a "free pass" on an affair b/c of yours.
Then again, does it matter? It only matters in the sense that it MIGHT mean she'll learn a lesson faster. Time will tell.
So, back to your basics. What are the 180's you are striving to do?
And GAL? We hammer it here b/c it works. Seriously. Let's get back to You...
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/18/15 02:47 AM
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
We seem to do a lot of "point, counter point" on this topic & I guess some could be confused. Starsky, your description above^^, is well worded. But it's not really exposure you are discussing, imo, so much as "no more lying" for the WAS.
I've consistently and clearly supported that position. No LBS should feel compelled to cover for - or lie for their cheating spouse. (That's not exposure in my book, and it's not what MWD refers to or means when she uses the term.)
By exposure I mean telling others that your spouse is having an affair.
-
That's how I'm using the term as well. I try not to make a distinction between lies of commission and lies of omission, and I certainly base my definition on the widely accepted use of the word in infidelity research.
But I don't advocate it; I just didn't want to see it misrepresented because it's a serious method well within the mainstream, that's all.
Starsky
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/18/15 12:03 PM
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: Ontheup
BFF?
my wife doesnt personally know nor has ever met the other woman. I have never seen not contacted the other woman since.
This other women is from where i used to live growing up so my wife contacted a mutual friend who still lives there to find out who she is.
Think we got lost in translation as far as it being my wifes friend. this is not the case
my wife doesnt personally know nor has ever met the other woman. I have never seen not contacted the other woman since.
This other women is from where i used to live growing up so my wife contacted a mutual friend who still lives there to find out who she is.
Think we got lost in translation as far as it being my wifes friend. this is not the case
Fair enough but yet, you said this:
Youve got me 25, i am down playing my own infideilty. People i have told about what is going on know full well what i have done. Im ashamed and feel guilty about what i have done. The truth is that i am struggling to reconcile what ive done with what my wife is still doing. i suppose this is where me taking responsabilty for my own actions comes in.
Did your wife tell others about it and if so, how'd you feel then? Why'd you tell others?
BTW, I don't think it's bad that you did, as long as it didn't further embarrass your wife. But what do you mean about reconciling what you did, with what she is?
Do you feel like it has to be "even", at some subconscious level? B/C if you do, I'd have to wonder if your w felt the same thing. Like she has a "free pass" on an affair b/c of yours.
Then again, does it matter? It only matters in the sense that it MIGHT mean she'll learn a lesson faster. Time will tell.
So, back to your basics. What are the 180's you are striving to do?
And GAL? We hammer it here b/c it works. Seriously. Let's get back to You...
Hey 25
I don't know if my wife told anyone else about my infidelity. I do know she asked our mutual friend about this woman. She said it was in a way as not to cause any suspicion. who knows.
As far as me telling people, I have told my parents and colleagues at work who know my sitch so they know the whole story.
Call it double standards if you like. I find it hard though to compare a one night to wife having an affair where she is and has been lying to everyone for a very long time.
180's ok well im pushing on with moving out. I have emailed wife this morning asking for her account details as I need to change some direct debits. Im buying a car in next day or 2. I have never owned my own car. Always business or shared. I've completely switched off to doing all the housework. Just doing the bare minimum. House is a wreck.
Standing on my own 2 feet. I have been down trodden for a long time. Im not taking any more of it. This is the new confident me where I make decisions rather than relying on my wife to make them for me. I already know she has commented about the fact that im actually following through with the move.
Far as GAL, it difficult at the minute with work and trying to organise my move but ice skating tomorrow with D8, horse riding Saturday morning with D8. Just completed some brilliant homework with d8. Saturday night im out with friends at school reunion.
When I leave I will be looking to get back to the gym, pick up my art which I haven't done for 20 years, get out on bike more, continue to spend quality time with d8 and night out with friends once a month.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/18/15 12:32 PM
just rambling:
Last night Wife and D8 came back after 2 nights away. when they got home wife was irritable and a bit snappy at me which I just completely ignored. Concentrated on d8 and getting her bathed and ready for bed.
Whilst d8 was in the bath my wife starts to tell me all about the time away and what they have done and the friend she has stayed with and they state of their relationship etc. I was friendly focussed on her responded back when I needed to. There was a couple of jokes and banter between us.
After d8 was in bed I settled down to watch a box set we are both watching together. Wife though continued to talk to me again for over an hour with more tales of their stay away, the state of her friends relationship and house and where she lives etc etc for over an hour. In the end we watched no tv show
Now im sat there being interested and responding and joking back but im looking at her thinking why the hell are you chatting to me about all this stuff? Why is it you want to sit there and chat to me? Do you not understand that in about a week or so I wont be here anymore and you wont be chatting to me? Its like nothing is going on with her. It was just the same banter we have always had. Its very hard to accept. If she was being a cold mean evil bitch like some you get on here I could understand but she isn't. Just cake eating. When does this reality sink in for her?
Last night Wife and D8 came back after 2 nights away. when they got home wife was irritable and a bit snappy at me which I just completely ignored. Concentrated on d8 and getting her bathed and ready for bed.
Whilst d8 was in the bath my wife starts to tell me all about the time away and what they have done and the friend she has stayed with and they state of their relationship etc. I was friendly focussed on her responded back when I needed to. There was a couple of jokes and banter between us.
After d8 was in bed I settled down to watch a box set we are both watching together. Wife though continued to talk to me again for over an hour with more tales of their stay away, the state of her friends relationship and house and where she lives etc etc for over an hour. In the end we watched no tv show
Now im sat there being interested and responding and joking back but im looking at her thinking why the hell are you chatting to me about all this stuff? Why is it you want to sit there and chat to me? Do you not understand that in about a week or so I wont be here anymore and you wont be chatting to me? Its like nothing is going on with her. It was just the same banter we have always had. Its very hard to accept. If she was being a cold mean evil bitch like some you get on here I could understand but she isn't. Just cake eating. When does this reality sink in for her?
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/18/15 02:11 PM
Probably in about a week or so.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/18/15 02:20 PM
Good observation Starsky!
OTU, I'm sorry things are so tough right now. It may well be a relief to S and give you a better chance to move forwards. Sorry to butt in, but Starsky, things seem to have reached a critical point in my sitch today - see posts from this morning. If you have any wisdom to offer, I'd welcome it.
Toots :-)
OTU, I'm sorry things are so tough right now. It may well be a relief to S and give you a better chance to move forwards. Sorry to butt in, but Starsky, things seem to have reached a critical point in my sitch today - see posts from this morning. If you have any wisdom to offer, I'd welcome it.
Toots :-)
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/18/15 03:08 PM
haha
Very good starsky
Still had no response to my request for her account details so I can change direct debits!!
Very good starsky
Still had no response to my request for her account details so I can change direct debits!!
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/18/15 04:07 PM
I don't know which is worse, the being nice or ignoring you...at least you can communicate and show her your listening skills and attention.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/18/15 05:35 PM
she wont have a choice soon
she eventually responded to my request for her account details. DD's moved
she eventually responded to my request for her account details. DD's moved
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/18/15 09:51 PM
Ok had the wrath of wife tonight. Somat has upset her. Maybe my earlier email asking for account details?.. Who knows.
Anyway. She came in from work ok but then not long later there was a conversation about my mum. Ahh yes my wife's number one enemy. So it went along the lines of"your mum emailed me while away saying will I LET d8 email" my mum back.
Now my wife took objection to the word let and decided to take it out on me. I said I'm not arguing or getting drawn into it and left it at that. She continued to prod the bear saying " do you think that's acceptable" I said not well worded but what are you asking me to do. She continued to prod looking for a rise. She was threatening saying she'll let my mum know in no uncertain terms. To which I said that's fine if that's what you want to do I can't control what you do. Then there was a snide remark about "is this what your councillor has told you to say" ahh so now we're getting somewhere. Upset I haven't said one word about my counselling session. I told her no but she is in control of whatever she wants to do. I then served up spag Bol and asked if she wanted cheese. By this point she was spitting flames. My mum arrived back with d8 and not one out of tone word was said by wife. All bluster. She doesn't really have much fire power at the minute to say anything to anyone.
Separate point my best mate today asked if wife was having an affair with OM. I said yes. He said was an easy spot with all fb pics(I'm not on fb) his wife also had an affair before they D. So if he picked up on this, my dad picked up on this my mum picked up on this then surely everyone else has. Not much of a secret really.
Anyway. She came in from work ok but then not long later there was a conversation about my mum. Ahh yes my wife's number one enemy. So it went along the lines of"your mum emailed me while away saying will I LET d8 email" my mum back.
Now my wife took objection to the word let and decided to take it out on me. I said I'm not arguing or getting drawn into it and left it at that. She continued to prod the bear saying " do you think that's acceptable" I said not well worded but what are you asking me to do. She continued to prod looking for a rise. She was threatening saying she'll let my mum know in no uncertain terms. To which I said that's fine if that's what you want to do I can't control what you do. Then there was a snide remark about "is this what your councillor has told you to say" ahh so now we're getting somewhere. Upset I haven't said one word about my counselling session. I told her no but she is in control of whatever she wants to do. I then served up spag Bol and asked if she wanted cheese. By this point she was spitting flames. My mum arrived back with d8 and not one out of tone word was said by wife. All bluster. She doesn't really have much fire power at the minute to say anything to anyone.
Separate point my best mate today asked if wife was having an affair with OM. I said yes. He said was an easy spot with all fb pics(I'm not on fb) his wife also had an affair before they D. So if he picked up on this, my dad picked up on this my mum picked up on this then surely everyone else has. Not much of a secret really.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/18/15 10:09 PM
Anyone seen the film "the game" with michael Douglas great film. That's how I feel right now. I have no clue what is real anymore. Im Expecting any minute for everyone to just jump out and say surprise. Belated 40th bday present........ Not going to happen is it.......
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/18/15 10:23 PM
On,
Well I hope you can see that while it's actually sort of weird, it IS a lot better being nice to you, than her NOT being so nice. Agreed?
Besides, right or wrong, most people here LOVE it when their spouses are kind to them b/c they call it "baby steps" and then they try to build on those bonding moments.
I'm not sure that's a bad idea at all.
And you didn't need to say a word...
Keep on keeping on OnT, it does get better. Truly, it does.
Well I hope you can see that while it's actually sort of weird, it IS a lot better being nice to you, than her NOT being so nice. Agreed?
Besides, right or wrong, most people here LOVE it when their spouses are kind to them b/c they call it "baby steps" and then they try to build on those bonding moments.
I'm not sure that's a bad idea at all.
Originally Posted By: Ontheup
Ok had the wrath of wife tonight. Somat has upset her. Maybe my earlier email asking for account details?.. Who knows.
Anyway. She came in from work ok but then not long later there was a conversation about my mum. Ahh yes my wife's number one enemy. So it went along the lines of"your mum emailed me while away saying will I LET d8 email" my mum back.
Now my wife took objection to the word let and decided to take it out on me. I said I'm not arguing or getting drawn into it and left it at that. She continued to prod the bear saying " do you think that's acceptable" I said not well worded but what are you asking me to do. She continued to prod looking for a rise. She was threatening saying she'll let my mum know in no uncertain terms. To which I said that's fine if that's what you want to do I can't control what you do. Then there was a snide remark about "is this what your councillor has told you to say" ahh so now we're getting somewhere. Upset I haven't said one word about my counselling session.
No need to mind read at all, let alone so much. Just ASK your w what she means if you really care. My spin on that comment was that she was so unused to you having a calm response to her spew and that you did NOT take on the issue but left it in her hands, that she assumed it was advice coming from your counselor.
But hey, I could be wrong. Best to ask her directly, don't you think? I really REALLY like when you said "What do you want ME to do?" And then letting her know that it's NOT your battle but hers.
IF and when your mom is actually "rude" to her, then yes I think you ought to intervene (at least as long as you are married) but in this example, it's hard to see how else your mother could have worded it. She's asking your d for permission to email her granddaughter (i.e. your d).
She MIGHT have been implying something but she might not have. And unless/until it's clear, why not give her the benefit of the doubt? Same thing for your wife. But the more directly you communicate, the better and the more adult and healthy the r's will be.
I told her no but she is in control of whatever she wants to do. I then served up spag Bol and asked if she wanted cheese. By this point she was spitting flames. My mum arrived back with d8 and not one out of tone word was said by wife. All bluster. She doesn't really have much fire power at the minute to say anything to anyone.
Separate point my best mate today asked if wife was having an affair with OM. I said yes. He said was an easy spot with all fb pics(I'm not on fb) his wife also had an affair before they D. So if he picked up on this, my dad picked up on this my mum picked up on this then surely everyone else has. Not much of a secret really.
Anyway. She came in from work ok but then not long later there was a conversation about my mum. Ahh yes my wife's number one enemy. So it went along the lines of"your mum emailed me while away saying will I LET d8 email" my mum back.
Now my wife took objection to the word let and decided to take it out on me. I said I'm not arguing or getting drawn into it and left it at that. She continued to prod the bear saying " do you think that's acceptable" I said not well worded but what are you asking me to do. She continued to prod looking for a rise. She was threatening saying she'll let my mum know in no uncertain terms. To which I said that's fine if that's what you want to do I can't control what you do. Then there was a snide remark about "is this what your councillor has told you to say" ahh so now we're getting somewhere. Upset I haven't said one word about my counselling session.
No need to mind read at all, let alone so much. Just ASK your w what she means if you really care. My spin on that comment was that she was so unused to you having a calm response to her spew and that you did NOT take on the issue but left it in her hands, that she assumed it was advice coming from your counselor.
But hey, I could be wrong. Best to ask her directly, don't you think? I really REALLY like when you said "What do you want ME to do?" And then letting her know that it's NOT your battle but hers.
IF and when your mom is actually "rude" to her, then yes I think you ought to intervene (at least as long as you are married) but in this example, it's hard to see how else your mother could have worded it. She's asking your d for permission to email her granddaughter (i.e. your d).
She MIGHT have been implying something but she might not have. And unless/until it's clear, why not give her the benefit of the doubt? Same thing for your wife. But the more directly you communicate, the better and the more adult and healthy the r's will be.
I told her no but she is in control of whatever she wants to do. I then served up spag Bol and asked if she wanted cheese. By this point she was spitting flames. My mum arrived back with d8 and not one out of tone word was said by wife. All bluster. She doesn't really have much fire power at the minute to say anything to anyone.
Separate point my best mate today asked if wife was having an affair with OM. I said yes. He said was an easy spot with all fb pics(I'm not on fb) his wife also had an affair before they D. So if he picked up on this, my dad picked up on this my mum picked up on this then surely everyone else has. Not much of a secret really.
And you didn't need to say a word...
Keep on keeping on OnT, it does get better. Truly, it does.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/18/15 10:37 PM
Thanks 25
My heart was pounding when my wife started but I was determined not to get drawn in. I've had this about my mum for the last 6 months. Now there is an issue with my mum and boundaries which has been a big problem but now I know about wife's affair and how waw in affair blame everything on you to absolve themselves I'm not biting. I've already said I will step in if my mum is out of order but using the word let doesn't justify me jumping on my mum even if she was being funny. Wife still thinks she can bully me around. No more I say.
My heart was pounding when my wife started but I was determined not to get drawn in. I've had this about my mum for the last 6 months. Now there is an issue with my mum and boundaries which has been a big problem but now I know about wife's affair and how waw in affair blame everything on you to absolve themselves I'm not biting. I've already said I will step in if my mum is out of order but using the word let doesn't justify me jumping on my mum even if she was being funny. Wife still thinks she can bully me around. No more I say.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/19/15 05:54 AM
nice....No...great job on!!! Taking the bait, you did not. Huge step to me. It blurs my mind how scripted these affairs are...be you, be a great you sir.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/19/15 08:45 AM
Hey 4
I know it crazy how they all say and act the same. I've read and learned so much about it all its actually pretty interesting. Human behaviour.
I'm really trying to stay strong now. Not long till I move out. Don't how I'll be when we tell d8. That will kill me. I'm going to feel pretty angry at my wife for the hurt d8 will be in. Have to remember this is not my choice. I didn't ask for any of this. my wife will have to live with this one.
I'll just be the best I can. Best dad I can in a crappy situation.
I know it crazy how they all say and act the same. I've read and learned so much about it all its actually pretty interesting. Human behaviour.
I'm really trying to stay strong now. Not long till I move out. Don't how I'll be when we tell d8. That will kill me. I'm going to feel pretty angry at my wife for the hurt d8 will be in. Have to remember this is not my choice. I didn't ask for any of this. my wife will have to live with this one.
I'll just be the best I can. Best dad I can in a crappy situation.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/20/15 08:34 AM
Gal last night was skating with D8. Great time had. She had her new little boots on as well
When I got home I spoke to wife saying we need to tell d8 about what is going on as my tenancy is to be signed tomorrow so I can move any time after. Her face dropped when I said this. She was then again saying what else have I been up to. I told her I have been getting stuff ready to move and that ive bought a car. Laughably she said "more secrets, you need to tell me these things" I said why do I need to tell you? Im just getting on with moving, I have a massive list of stuff to do. I said you don't tell me anything and I don't want to know. She was very put out and started getting a bit irritated that im not telling her my every movement. She was even annoyed I hadn't told her I booked 2 days holiday to get all this stuff done. I said basically its none of your business really (being friendly). She was then bringing up d8 and how we co parent. I agreed we need to work that out this weekend before we tell her.
I said this wasn't my decision. She wanted to separate so im just getting on with it. She said she only wanted me to go back to the other house around the corner. I said that is not possible as too expensive and too painful. We both need to move on with our lives. She tried to say it wasn't her decision which I shot her down on straight away. All of this is her decision. The reality was dawning on her that this is going to happen. I could literally see the blood disappear from her face
She then preceded to try and say we would still see each other be friends popping round for cups of tea (she was sort of half joking). I told her this would be really nice but isn't going to happen. We need to move on. We will be friendly and civil for d8 have family days but I don't want her coming round or ringing me all the time. Again I could see that this isn't what she had in mind when she wanted to separate.
For the record my wife is not very good living on her own. She hated it.
I sat there looking at this person, she was frantically playing with her hair which is what she does when she is stressed and all i could think was "I hope OM is worth all this" I didn't mention our R, OM, I didn't get upset I held it together pretty well. I was firm about what I want to do. I feel I have detached a little bit more from her. My mind strays more now to the things I want to do when on my own and not to wanting this person back. Of course ill miss her but time will heal that.
Feel cr@ppy this morning as I dreamt about wife last night. She went on a date with someone (not OM) but this guy was also a smoker and I laughed and said you'll need some chewing gum, she hates smoking. Bizarre dream
Got a lot to do today. Finally get the keys to the new place. Need to pick some furniture up. Then im going to start taking stuff over, just things that are stored away so d8 wont know.
When I got home I spoke to wife saying we need to tell d8 about what is going on as my tenancy is to be signed tomorrow so I can move any time after. Her face dropped when I said this. She was then again saying what else have I been up to. I told her I have been getting stuff ready to move and that ive bought a car. Laughably she said "more secrets, you need to tell me these things" I said why do I need to tell you? Im just getting on with moving, I have a massive list of stuff to do. I said you don't tell me anything and I don't want to know. She was very put out and started getting a bit irritated that im not telling her my every movement. She was even annoyed I hadn't told her I booked 2 days holiday to get all this stuff done. I said basically its none of your business really (being friendly). She was then bringing up d8 and how we co parent. I agreed we need to work that out this weekend before we tell her.
I said this wasn't my decision. She wanted to separate so im just getting on with it. She said she only wanted me to go back to the other house around the corner. I said that is not possible as too expensive and too painful. We both need to move on with our lives. She tried to say it wasn't her decision which I shot her down on straight away. All of this is her decision. The reality was dawning on her that this is going to happen. I could literally see the blood disappear from her face
She then preceded to try and say we would still see each other be friends popping round for cups of tea (she was sort of half joking). I told her this would be really nice but isn't going to happen. We need to move on. We will be friendly and civil for d8 have family days but I don't want her coming round or ringing me all the time. Again I could see that this isn't what she had in mind when she wanted to separate.
For the record my wife is not very good living on her own. She hated it.
I sat there looking at this person, she was frantically playing with her hair which is what she does when she is stressed and all i could think was "I hope OM is worth all this" I didn't mention our R, OM, I didn't get upset I held it together pretty well. I was firm about what I want to do. I feel I have detached a little bit more from her. My mind strays more now to the things I want to do when on my own and not to wanting this person back. Of course ill miss her but time will heal that.
Feel cr@ppy this morning as I dreamt about wife last night. She went on a date with someone (not OM) but this guy was also a smoker and I laughed and said you'll need some chewing gum, she hates smoking. Bizarre dream
Got a lot to do today. Finally get the keys to the new place. Need to pick some furniture up. Then im going to start taking stuff over, just things that are stored away so d8 wont know.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/20/15 08:39 AM
Sounds like reality is starting to bite for your W. She had a 'vision' of exactly how S would work, and how you would 'fit in' to the life she wants right now. You live right around the corner, we have cups of tea, I carry on with OM.....
But, some of the things you are doing, just put a spanner in the works for her and she's feeling all that now. Plus, you guys are both having to face telling your D and that's hard. I would carry on with the 'moving momentum' and also do your best to be supportive and validating to your W.
You're doing well OTU - living up to what your thread title promises!
But, some of the things you are doing, just put a spanner in the works for her and she's feeling all that now. Plus, you guys are both having to face telling your D and that's hard. I would carry on with the 'moving momentum' and also do your best to be supportive and validating to your W.
You're doing well OTU - living up to what your thread title promises!
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/20/15 03:50 PM
Hey Toots
Reality is definitely kicking in. I think your right with what my wife was expecting to happen. I just have no idea where her head is at.
Kicking in for me to. Been on a downer today. Didn't sleep well, dreamt about wife. I have picked up keys to the new place and got services ordered and bought some stuff. I should have been excited but I just felt sad. Have had the shakes all day as well.
Going out tomorrow with D8 for horse riding then she has her friends bday party then I have a night out for a school reunion so that should be good. busy busy
Reality is definitely kicking in. I think your right with what my wife was expecting to happen. I just have no idea where her head is at.
Kicking in for me to. Been on a downer today. Didn't sleep well, dreamt about wife. I have picked up keys to the new place and got services ordered and bought some stuff. I should have been excited but I just felt sad. Have had the shakes all day as well.
Going out tomorrow with D8 for horse riding then she has her friends bday party then I have a night out for a school reunion so that should be good. busy busy
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/20/15 06:42 PM
Sorry you had a rough day. From reading sitches, the time around moving is tough. And I found the first couple of weeks living alone tough, but then I started to settle in more & more and enjoy it. You have this to look forward to - but there's a road to travel first. Deep breaths - you'll get there.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/20/15 09:10 PM
Hey, OTU,
Good to see you hanging in there. FWIW, you did well in your interactions with your w. Was it handled perfectly?
No, but who does that?
Was it improved? YES - and that's no small feat. So, well done.
I look forward to your posts ONLY being about you and GAL and your d, but for now, maybe you can try to embrace the ambiguity inherent in your situation.
In many ways we are ALL living in ambiguity.
Reunions are a blast when you embrace old friends and everyone just wishes the best for their buddies. The goal is to HAVE FUN!!
Good to see you hanging in there. FWIW, you did well in your interactions with your w. Was it handled perfectly?
No, but who does that?
Was it improved? YES - and that's no small feat. So, well done.
I look forward to your posts ONLY being about you and GAL and your d, but for now, maybe you can try to embrace the ambiguity inherent in your situation.
In many ways we are ALL living in ambiguity.
Originally Posted By: Ontheup
Hey Toots
Reality is definitely kicking in. I think your right with what my wife was expecting to happen. I just have no idea where her head is at.
She MAY have assumed that, much like a picture of your family can be photo shopped, your face could just be replaced with OM's and nothing else would change. That's how many WASs seem to think...and they're quite mistaken.
- I have picked up keys to the new place and got services ordered and bought some stuff. I should have been excited but I just felt sad. Have had the shakes all day as well.
Not sure you "Should have been" excited, but I take your point. Thing is, your growth in this ordeal will Not be linear. You'll have setbacks, and that's normal.
HER path won't likely be linear either, which may account for the many apparent mood swings.
Give yourself a break, take a breath and really truly, go one day at a time.
Sometimes that may mean taking things an hour at a time...
Going out tomorrow with D8 for horse riding then she has her friends bday party then I have a night out for a school reunion so that should be good. busy busy
Reality is definitely kicking in. I think your right with what my wife was expecting to happen. I just have no idea where her head is at.
She MAY have assumed that, much like a picture of your family can be photo shopped, your face could just be replaced with OM's and nothing else would change. That's how many WASs seem to think...and they're quite mistaken.
- I have picked up keys to the new place and got services ordered and bought some stuff. I should have been excited but I just felt sad. Have had the shakes all day as well.
Not sure you "Should have been" excited, but I take your point. Thing is, your growth in this ordeal will Not be linear. You'll have setbacks, and that's normal.
HER path won't likely be linear either, which may account for the many apparent mood swings.
Give yourself a break, take a breath and really truly, go one day at a time.
Sometimes that may mean taking things an hour at a time...
Going out tomorrow with D8 for horse riding then she has her friends bday party then I have a night out for a school reunion so that should be good. busy busy
Reunions are a blast when you embrace old friends and everyone just wishes the best for their buddies. The goal is to HAVE FUN!!
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/20/15 10:23 PM
I look forward to me just gal as well. Will be easier when I'm gone and settled into a new routine. I have a lot of stuff planned that I want to do.
For now just keep my composure and keep,on keeping on
Cheers
For now just keep my composure and keep,on keeping on
Cheers
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/22/15 10:56 AM
Great night had at school reunion. About 50 people turned up. Was all a bit bizarre really. Got a thick head this morning. Too many fruit ciders and out way too late sausage sandwich will sort me out
sausage sandwich will sort me out
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 02/24/15 08:26 AM
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 03/18/15 06:36 PM
OTU, how are you doing my friend?
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 03/20/15 03:15 PM
Hey Jefe
My daughter saw this site on my ipad and showed to to my wife. As a result my wife read all my posts on here hence why im no longer posting. You can imagine her reaction. She was fuming.
I have now moved out. Been out 2 weeks.
I have seen my wife a few times in that period for mothers day and a couple of school functions for D8. Apart from that we dont talk other than D8 stuff.
We dont talk about our marriage, D or R nothing.
It is slighlty easier at the moment but i know there will be more tough times ahead.
I am keeping busy with work and other stuff.
Im still seeing my councillor trying to work through this which is helpful.
We split parenting of D8 50/50. D8 seems to be handling well at the moment although i feel very guilty about what has happened.
When D8 is not around I miss her terribly.
I have good days and bad. I Often dream about my wife which my councillor gave some ineresting expanations for. e.g Still feeling protective about her.
I miss her very much but i continue to detach.
I have let her go. There is nothing I can do other than move on with my own life moving out of the limbo state
I have no idea what the future holds. Im just living one day to the next at the moment thankful for the relatiive calm after the awfulness of the last few months.
Still have moments of wondering what the hell has happened but im sure with time they will dissapear
Thanks for asking after me. It means a lot.
Stay strong everyone.
My daughter saw this site on my ipad and showed to to my wife. As a result my wife read all my posts on here hence why im no longer posting. You can imagine her reaction. She was fuming.
I have now moved out. Been out 2 weeks.
I have seen my wife a few times in that period for mothers day and a couple of school functions for D8. Apart from that we dont talk other than D8 stuff.
We dont talk about our marriage, D or R nothing.
It is slighlty easier at the moment but i know there will be more tough times ahead.
I am keeping busy with work and other stuff.
Im still seeing my councillor trying to work through this which is helpful.
We split parenting of D8 50/50. D8 seems to be handling well at the moment although i feel very guilty about what has happened.
When D8 is not around I miss her terribly.
I have good days and bad. I Often dream about my wife which my councillor gave some ineresting expanations for. e.g Still feeling protective about her.
I miss her very much but i continue to detach.
I have let her go. There is nothing I can do other than move on with my own life moving out of the limbo state
I have no idea what the future holds. Im just living one day to the next at the moment thankful for the relatiive calm after the awfulness of the last few months.
Still have moments of wondering what the hell has happened but im sure with time they will dissapear
Thanks for asking after me. It means a lot.
Stay strong everyone.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 03/20/15 04:26 PM
Hi OTU,
I am sorry this happened. Your W may never appreciate how much of an effort you made to improve yourself and be a great person, but those who have followed your sitch do appreciate it.
Something similar happened to KieranR last month. Here is a link to his thread. Some of the vets on the site had some good advice in the aftermath of his W discovering his thread. Including and open letter to his W. Your W may not find it useful or helpful, but she may. who knows?
RAI
I am sorry this happened. Your W may never appreciate how much of an effort you made to improve yourself and be a great person, but those who have followed your sitch do appreciate it.
Something similar happened to KieranR last month. Here is a link to his thread. Some of the vets on the site had some good advice in the aftermath of his W discovering his thread. Including and open letter to his W. Your W may not find it useful or helpful, but she may. who knows?
RAI
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 03/21/15 05:43 PM
Ouch, sorry to hear that OTU.
One day at a time is all you can do and all you should do.
Keep posting, it will help you to get it out.
One day at a time is all you can do and all you should do.
Keep posting, it will help you to get it out.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 03/23/15 11:13 AM
Hey Jefe
Im sort of done with posting for now at least.
I felt it was stopping me from moving on because I would be constantly going over the situation and reading posts on here.
My situation now is better. I rarely see my wife and we communicate very little, only for D8. For me this is much easier.
As for any chance of R, im not interested. Too much has happened for me and probably the same for my wife. I do not want to go back. I did the "pick me dance" for far to long and shredded the last of my self confidence and respect. I am better than that. I am not living in limbo or fear any more. I am no longer plan B as I removed that option. My wife made her choice and I have made mine. I have come to realise I will be absolutely fine without her as she will without me.
There will no doubt be tough times ahead but ahead is where I will get to.
Glad to read your sitch is a lot better.
Im sort of done with posting for now at least.
I felt it was stopping me from moving on because I would be constantly going over the situation and reading posts on here.
My situation now is better. I rarely see my wife and we communicate very little, only for D8. For me this is much easier.
As for any chance of R, im not interested. Too much has happened for me and probably the same for my wife. I do not want to go back. I did the "pick me dance" for far to long and shredded the last of my self confidence and respect. I am better than that. I am not living in limbo or fear any more. I am no longer plan B as I removed that option. My wife made her choice and I have made mine. I have come to realise I will be absolutely fine without her as she will without me.
There will no doubt be tough times ahead but ahead is where I will get to.
Glad to read your sitch is a lot better.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 03/23/15 04:59 PM
Good luck to you.
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 07/17/15 09:05 PM
Hi all
It's a long time since I've posted and seems a million years ago since those
Very dark first few weeks when this board gave me such a huge amount of support.
I thought I'd check in and just let those who cared at the time know where I'm up to.
I'm happily living on my own and getting on with my own life. I take care of my daughter 50% of the time and we have more fun and better quality than we ever did do.
I'm more outgoing , more confident and generally an all round happier better person than I was the last few years with my ex.
I've met some great people since being single due to me being much more outgoing and confident and yes some of these are women.
The time spent thinking about my situation has become less and less to the point where I will go for majority of the day without even thinking about my ex. Hard to believe as when I found out it consumed my every thought.
Ok So it's not great all the time, I'm still in counselling working through my problems and have suffered some medical problems due to what happened. These though are getting better each day and the counselling helps hugely with me helping to take my life back and realise that this is not my fault and nothing I did could and would ever have prevented what my ex did. Anyone who tries to pin one bit of blame on you for them having an affair ....smack them upside the head.
I still from time to time will feel very guilty about my daughter. She never asked for any of this and although she has up to now dealt amazingly well with it i can't stop the waves of guilt that will wash over me. Her birthday was last week and this for me was particularly difficult.
I have very little contact with my ex no contact for me was by far the best thing I ever did. I stopped the dance and decided to live for myself. We talk about my daughter and financial matters but that's it. I have no idea if she is still with OM , I presume she is. I'm past caring.
I didn't really follow Db in the end and veered off towards leaving a cheater and gaining my life back ( yiu know the site)
For me this has worked and set me on the road to meh.
I still sometimes miss my old life but that life ended years ago. I was just holding onto a memory of something I used to have.
There will no doubt be tough times ahead but I feel much better equipped to deal with anything thrown at.
Good luck to everyone out there
Know there is light at the end of the tunnel whatever form that light comes is
It's a long time since I've posted and seems a million years ago since those
Very dark first few weeks when this board gave me such a huge amount of support.
I thought I'd check in and just let those who cared at the time know where I'm up to.
I'm happily living on my own and getting on with my own life. I take care of my daughter 50% of the time and we have more fun and better quality than we ever did do.
I'm more outgoing , more confident and generally an all round happier better person than I was the last few years with my ex.
I've met some great people since being single due to me being much more outgoing and confident and yes some of these are women.
The time spent thinking about my situation has become less and less to the point where I will go for majority of the day without even thinking about my ex. Hard to believe as when I found out it consumed my every thought.
Ok So it's not great all the time, I'm still in counselling working through my problems and have suffered some medical problems due to what happened. These though are getting better each day and the counselling helps hugely with me helping to take my life back and realise that this is not my fault and nothing I did could and would ever have prevented what my ex did. Anyone who tries to pin one bit of blame on you for them having an affair ....smack them upside the head.
I still from time to time will feel very guilty about my daughter. She never asked for any of this and although she has up to now dealt amazingly well with it i can't stop the waves of guilt that will wash over me. Her birthday was last week and this for me was particularly difficult.
I have very little contact with my ex no contact for me was by far the best thing I ever did. I stopped the dance and decided to live for myself. We talk about my daughter and financial matters but that's it. I have no idea if she is still with OM , I presume she is. I'm past caring.
I didn't really follow Db in the end and veered off towards leaving a cheater and gaining my life back ( yiu know the site)
For me this has worked and set me on the road to meh.
I still sometimes miss my old life but that life ended years ago. I was just holding onto a memory of something I used to have.
There will no doubt be tough times ahead but I feel much better equipped to deal with anything thrown at.
Good luck to everyone out there
Know there is light at the end of the tunnel whatever form that light comes is
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 07/18/15 07:50 AM
Hi OTU, good to hear you are doing well. I know the website you mean!!
I post in the MLC area of the forum now, but I'm still around. Looks like my H is about to file for D - an outcome which I accept now....and I'm moving forward with my own life - doing pretty well all in all...
Hope life continues to go well for you and take care xx
I post in the MLC area of the forum now, but I'm still around. Looks like my H is about to file for D - an outcome which I accept now....and I'm moving forward with my own life - doing pretty well all in all...
Hope life continues to go well for you and take care xx
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 07/18/15 11:51 AM
Hi toots
I know it's not the outcome you were hoping for but in my opinion it's the best thing for you. he doesn't deserve you or the amount of energy you've already invested in him.
You have plenty of life ahead. These events change us as human beings, they change the core of who we are but they change us for the better. It's only as Ive moved on I've realised that.
I'm thankful to the people in here for helping me but in the end there was nothing to bust and I'm glad or I may still have been stuck in the same mindset I was initially. the CL stance just feels much better and is also what my councillor advocates although she hasn't actually heard of CL
In the words of td jakes .....let them go.
Take care
I know it's not the outcome you were hoping for but in my opinion it's the best thing for you. he doesn't deserve you or the amount of energy you've already invested in him.
You have plenty of life ahead. These events change us as human beings, they change the core of who we are but they change us for the better. It's only as Ive moved on I've realised that.
I'm thankful to the people in here for helping me but in the end there was nothing to bust and I'm glad or I may still have been stuck in the same mindset I was initially. the CL stance just feels much better and is also what my councillor advocates although she hasn't actually heard of CL
In the words of td jakes .....let them go.
Take care
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 08/10/15 08:20 PM
Test
Re: WAW Affair admittd 3 - 09/26/17 02:06 AM
Update 2017....Finally
An update after over a couple of years of not posting anything.
To cut a long story short i am now happily divorced and happily in a relationship with someone else. It has taken 2 years a lot of money and a lot of anguish but I'm finally rid of the crazy ex.
She had no intention of playing fair and lied and cheated throughout the whole divorce and subsequent financial debate.
She lied about the divorce application, about savings, about her earnings, about her business's, about the mortgage, to the mediator, about money ,the list goes on and on. It was a constant battle in the hope that i would just walk away and leave her with everything.
Well i didnt walk away and took her to court.
For anyone else struggling and suffering and going through hell, leave these cheaters behind. There is a life, a much better one once you make the decision to move on. You are worth more than the scraps they want to leave you
An update after over a couple of years of not posting anything.
To cut a long story short i am now happily divorced and happily in a relationship with someone else. It has taken 2 years a lot of money and a lot of anguish but I'm finally rid of the crazy ex.
She had no intention of playing fair and lied and cheated throughout the whole divorce and subsequent financial debate.
She lied about the divorce application, about savings, about her earnings, about her business's, about the mortgage, to the mediator, about money ,the list goes on and on. It was a constant battle in the hope that i would just walk away and leave her with everything.
Well i didnt walk away and took her to court.
For anyone else struggling and suffering and going through hell, leave these cheaters behind. There is a life, a much better one once you make the decision to move on. You are worth more than the scraps they want to leave you