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Well I guess I'm in a new chapter of my story. W has gotten a short term job working with OM's boss so she is moving to OM's city. I'm staying dark and only initiating conversations related to business. I sent W an email acknowledging she restarted the affair and telling her I could no longer support her in any way while she blatantly disrespects myself, our family, and our marriage by continuing the affair. She hasn't responded and hasn't acknowledged that I know the affair is ongoing.

She previously was pushing the idea that the affair was over and attempting to convince me I was crazy for thinking otherwise. I've maintained a few sources of Intel to verify the truth since the affair and that has helped me to steer clear of deception. W was a very honest and open person before the A, but has turned into a habitual liar on many things, big or small. She has also become an alcoholic, going to bars nearly every night of the week. Occasionally visiting strip clubs. She has cut off contact with many friends who have attempted to support our marriage by showing W tough love. Her fathers side of the family keeps in regular contact with me, they happen to be very successful and reasonable, down to earth folks. Before the affair W looked up to all of them and pursued the career path she is in as a result of interests she shares with them & after much encouragement from them. Now that her career choices are taking her down this path, their support seems to be fading.

I've become very involved in my local church, play on a basketball team, meet with several friends, mentors, a pastor, and a therapist regularly. I'm going back to school for an advanced degree as well. I've been working out regularly and finding new hobbies.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. As I get closer, it's looking like W won't be a part of it, although I'm still open to reconciling under certain conditions. I know I will be okay even though things aren't going the way I want them to. I'm trusting that God has a plan through all this and I'm attempting to make shrewd decisions all along the way.

I'm thankful for this forum and many close friends, family, and wise counselors for carrying me this far. For all of you just in the first days, weeks, months after your own DDay, let me tell you it DOES get better over time IF you follow the advice to get a life, emotionally detach from your spouse, and let go of controlling the outcome of your situation. Yes it still hurts, but start building your new life now that will survive regardless of your spouse's decisions.
I am very sorry to hear but also good to hear you set yourself a boundary regarding reconciliation and that you are not longer going to support her.

It's so hurtful to read, how the other person can change so much for the bad, in the meantime you become better, but you'd wish the other way around smirk

Only time can teach a lesson. And it will. Not today, not in a year...but it will!

Stay strong and keep going. Keep loving!
Emailed back and forth with W yesterday. It was pretty cold and started to become negative as we talked about who gets what. I stopped emailing and offered to call later that night since it seemed we were in disagreement on a few things. We talked for about 45 minutes. I kept things positive and talked little about myself and asked about her new job, new car, christmas, etc. We agreed to swap some furniture around in our agreement because she wanted another piece.

She raised a concern about the fact that I've stayed in touch with her family (uncle/grandparents) and that I may visit them while I'm in their area next month. I told her they had all contacted me multiple times and wouldn't take no for an answer on visiting. She rattled off a saying she heard that "when you break up with someone you break up with their family too." She is seriously thinking divorce is like a breakup? We don't have kids, but wow. She talks like she just can't wait until she is free from me and the burden of being married. Like it was not a big deal she was married at all, or that she has fallen victim to marriage. I clearly remember the last seven years and she was adamant about getting married. Sure, she had some doubts here and there about timing and the future, but she pushed things right along. It's clear that she is rewriting history in her head.

She told me she doesn't have an attorney and isn't planning on getting one. For as eager as she seems to be divorced, it seems she doesn't want to do the work to get things written up. I'm meeting with the attorney early next week.

She is coming over with some friends and a moving van tomorrow, prayers appreciated...
W is headed over soon to move out the rest of her stuff with a couple friends. Then she is moving out of state tomorrow to start a new job.

Any ideas on what to say?

She has been rude and inconsiderate the past couple times we've interacted. I might not see her in person again unless we have to interact when the D is finalized this time next year. Hoping I can keep my cool and not go to her level bickering about small stuff.
Sorry, UC, I'm just seeing this.

How are you? How did things go?
Hey UC

Just be friendly but detached. Keep it formal. I wouldn't ask how she is or anything. You try and be upbeat as hard as that is. If she wants to act the way she is there is nothing you can do about that. I think that's what we all struggle with in that we cant control that other person no matter how ridiculous what they're doing seems. They don't want to hear it from us. In their minds they are 100% right in what they are doing. crazy
Thanks for checking in. Things went well. There was no drama, she packed up and moved out all her things with help from a couple friends. I was making dinner when she stopped by and she commented on that asking if I'd been cooking more often (she usually made dinner before DDay). Told her I had to eat or else I would die. Lol

Trying not to read too much into anything from last night because I know being there, moving, packing, seeing me, etc. probably was a lot for her to take in all at once. But at one point I handed her a couple of bibles on a bookshelf she hadn't packed. She offered to give them to me since she already had others. I said they're hers and it's her choice what to do with them. She walked out to the dumpster and threw them away. Sigh.

When she left, we hugged goodbye. She said, "well I guess this will be the last time we see each other for awhile." Reminded me of how she said she left things with OM...
Its tough. Im not at this point yet and only had BD a week ago but viewing another house today nearly brought me to tears. It was no where near as nice as ours.
I did feel though that I want out. Just start my own life over. emotions swing wildly
W should be getting copies of our separation agreement in the mail this week for her signature.

It's been 5 months since the affair started. W is now living down the street from OM and carpooling to work with him. She hasn't made contact with me for anything but separation stuff in the past few weeks.

Saw W's grandparents over the weekend and it turns out they know about the A. Grandma said W called her sobbing a couple months ago saying we were separated, but grandma didn't believe what she heard and that the truth eventually "came out." W's whole family is very conciliatory about the sitch so I assume they all know the truth and are all talking.

It has gotten easier for me day to day, but this is all still painful. I'm still trying to move on while continuing to pray for W and our M. Hope in the R is hard to maintain when there is no interaction with W. She lives in another state now so the idea of her coming back to the M seems even more unrealistic now than before.

I'm contemplating some big decisions now for my next steps - selling/renting the house, returning to graduate school, and possibly moving to another state.
Originally Posted By: UpperCu
W should be getting copies of our separation agreement in the mail this week for her signature.

It's been 5 months since the affair started. W is now living down the street from OM and carpooling to work with him. She hasn't made contact with me for anything but separation stuff in the past few weeks.

Saw W's grandparents over the weekend and it turns out they know about the A. Grandma said W called her sobbing a couple months ago saying we were separated, but grandma didn't believe what she heard and that the truth eventually "came out." W's whole family is very conciliatory about the sitch so I assume they all know the truth and are all talking.

It has gotten easier for me day to day, but this is all still painful. I'm still trying to move on while continuing to pray for W and our M. Hope in the R is hard to maintain when there is no interaction with W. She lives in another state now so the idea of her coming back to the M seems even more unrealistic now than before.

I'm contemplating some big decisions now for my next steps - selling/renting the house, returning to graduate school, and possibly moving to another state.


Bingo!

It's all about you now. Sobbing on or waiting for the wife is not necessarily a wise move, and she decided to be his wife.

You have a lot of great things you can accomplish with your life.
UC,

I am so sorry to read this. What can you do? W simply wants out and that move to another state is a pretty bold statement.

Although I have to say that 25's husband went Alaskan and stayed away for 2 years. Granted, they had kids which forced them to communicate on logistics and issues as they cropped up. With you, there are no "ties" between you two that would force you and W to communicate.

Tough. I know.

Take care of yourself. Being around friends at this stage will do your PMA wonders. Nothing like being around friends and family during very trying times.
Hey Wonka, thanks for dropping in to say hi. :-)

To give some more context, W has been planning to move out of state once she finished her grad program, so it wasn't necessarily a big statement on her part to move - just a natural next step for her career. I've been on board with the plan to move too and was planning to move with her wherever she got a job.

I guess the bold statement is that she accepted a job that would involve her working with OM on a daily basis, which was my primary condition on what needed to change if I were to agree to reconcile the M. But I'm not willing to compromise on that and I think no M is better than an open M.

I'm facing my own relocation decisions that don't involve W which is the biggest thing for me now. Right now I feel like I'm standing on the edge of the diving board looking at the murky water below, unsure if I should make the plunge into what's next. I know I need to jump but I haven't yet. Once I make the leap I'm sure things will begin to look up.
I'm sorry to hear this, UC.

Prayer works. Keep it up and keep working on being an awesome you.
Thanks Jefe! I've been very encouraged by the many people in my life praying for our marriage. I know God's work on a person's heart can take some time.

W emailed me the other day out of the blue updating me on separation stuff. She had already responded to this email I sent a couple weeks ago but apparently realized she left a few things off when she initially responded.

Attorney has had some delays on getting the separation agreement sent out. Should go out this week.
UC, our sermon today was on prayer. What/how/when/for whom/why etc and why we don't pray for others like we should. One of the things he emphasized as being God's will was relationships/marriage. He said the prayer circles should do more praying for marriages than for peoples health, even. I wholeheartedly believe that.

Keep praying for her relationship with God and keep praying for your marriage. I don't agree with some here when it comes to prayer for your marriage - there is really no such thing as "selfish" prayer as long as you have the "authority" to pray. As a husband you have the absolute authority and duty to pray for your spouse.

Start praying the hedge of thorns that I mentioned to you before and Google: Rejoice Ministries.

Keep praying my friend. Pray that she will begin to turn towards those that pray for her and away from those that prey upon her.
^^^ that's good counsel Jefe. Nice prayers also.
Thanks for the site(s) Jefe. I pray for my W and our M each day, but I have been filled with an overwhelming burden to pray more often for the sitch this past week.

I'm praying right now for my W to be filled with overwhelming sadness in the A, and to be filled with overwhelming joy in Christ. Our M is a representation of Christ's love for the church, and W even acknowledged she recognized my love for her was Christlike before she moved out.

I'm praying for your sitch as well Jefe.
Some of W's grad school friends extended an invite tonight to hang out. She is currently out of state. I obliged to hang out. Had a fun time and they all asked about my GAL stuff. Seems like they all thought I would be in the pits, but it felt good to be going strong with my own life. I had a good time and no one even mentioned W all night.

Intel shows W will be in town this weekend... Haven't heard anything about the S agreement from W or Atty this week. She should be receiving, signing, and returning it soon.
Glad to hear you have a good time and move on. Good thing you are even able to hang with mutual friends and they don't even mention W and enjoy your company.
Keep praying. I'll pray now too smirk
How's it going UC?
Hey Jefe - things are good for me. Going back to school in May for my masters degree. Had a fun weekend out of town last week and have a full schedule as far as I can plan! Life is moving on...

Actually talked to my MIL for an hour today. She said she was praying for me and W and was asking for my thoughts on everything. I guess W won't talk to her parents much because she doesn't like what they have to say. W is still living near and working with OM as far as I'm aware. She finally signed the separation agreement so what's mine is legally mine now and there shouldn't be any more business and money drama.

Some guys are coming over tonight to hang out. We're starting a new small group to disciple each other. I've had opportunities to share my faith and talk with a lot of people as a result of my sitch that I probably never would have interacted with otherwise. God is sovereign and I see that he has a lot planned!

I hope you're doing well. I'll try to drop by your thread later tonight to see how you're doing.
Originally Posted By: UpperCu
Some guys are coming over tonight to hang out. We're starting a new small group to disciple each other. I've had opportunities to share my faith and talk with a lot of people as a result of my sitch that I probably never would have interacted with otherwise. God is sovereign and I see that he has a lot planned!


I like that! Good stuff, man.

I will continue to pray for you as well.

God speed, UC.
I'm 7 months in and although things are getting better, there are still many ups and downs. It seems I can go a week or two without thinking about W and the A, but then it all flashes back to the front of my mind and all the pain, hurt, jealousy, sadness is fresh all over again. Knowing she is still practically living with him makes me feel awful for the shred of desire left to be with her. How could I want her when she hurt me so deeply and continues on that path? It makes me disgusted in myself and her. It's so difficult and confusing. I want to have hope, but it's taxing my mental and emotional health to even think about it all.

I'm looking forward to starting school as that will be another distraction from my broken marriage, but afraid at the same time because I feel like I need a real heart change to get past this. I feel like I've moved forward a great deal, but then at times it feels like I'm still the same person inside as I was on DDay.

I have doubts about how I treated her harshly with firm boundaries, as my mind mixes together the good memories of her with how she is now. But then my thoughts run full circle as I recall the vicious and blatant lies she kept telling me, and I'm confident I would have taken the same course of action and set firm boundaries if I had lived through it all again. Although she was my wife before the affair, and was deserving of love and cherishing, after the affair I was not dealing with the same person, and have had to protect myself.

I'm trusting God to get me through each day. It's just that for me now; a daily battle. I'm thankful for the people and support I've received thus far on this board and in my life. I'm praying for a hint of light in the darkness as I haven't seen it yet.
In my study of the bible in the last few weeks, I've been brought back to the story of how God punishes and yet still loves Israel. From the book of Amos where the image is painted of how God's rage burns against wickedness, to Jeremeiah 31 where he calls Israel his bride and promises to make a new covenant and remember their sin no more. I've been convicted then, to follow the command in Ephesians 5, to love my wife like Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her (while she was sinful and undeserving). Truly God has worked on my heart through my sitch as I come to realize the beauty of what he has done for me, and as he calls me, although it is received with difficulty, to be conformed to act like he has. My prayer for W today is that God will soften her heart and grant her repentance. I trust in faith, that God's work on the cross was sufficient and powerful enough to accomplish what is described in James 5:19-20 - that W might be saved from her wandering. I pray too that God would give me the ability to "remember her sin no more" the same way he has forgiven our sins.
It's been about a month since I've posted and not much has changed. I've been busy with work and I've gone back to school for an advanced degree. Been working on stuff around the house & getting furniture/decorations the way I want them (can't have all that girly stuff W picked out as a single guy haha). I've been getting out often, been involved in church, and have met a lot of new people.

I haven't interacted with W in any way in over 2 months. D is contingent on 1 year of S in my state, so it just seems like the clock is counting down until that date.

I still think about W and pray for her a few times each week, although I've begun to move on and I am not counting on that outcome. I'm trusting that God has a plan although I am not sure what that is at this point, I know he is faithful.
I'm glad to see you update. I've wondered how you were doing. Happy to see you have lots of positives in your life.
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