WAW Affair admitted - 01/18/15 05:49 PM
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/18/15 06:13 PM
Hi Toots
Funny you should say that as even though my heart was pounding out of my chest and I could barely stand when I confronted her, it was a relief. At least I know. I don't want to know anymore. At least not now. Fortunately nothing I saw was to bad. No sexual imagery or words or love you's or anything like that. It was enough though that it confirmed what in my heart I already knew. At least I can try and manage the thoughts running through my mind.
As far as next 2 months we have agreed not to talk about it. It does amaze me though how annoyed she is about what I have done. She even asked me if anyone was at our house last night (I was here on my own) I was like what? No of course not. She blurts out she not bothered but I can see she is furious with jealously. She even went as far as to ring one of our mutual friends to find out who this woman is even though I have never spoken or seen her since. Its like what she is doing doesn't matter but my one indiscretion makes us even ?? I doubt she has told this mutual friend she has been having an affair for at least 6 months
Funny you should say that as even though my heart was pounding out of my chest and I could barely stand when I confronted her, it was a relief. At least I know. I don't want to know anymore. At least not now. Fortunately nothing I saw was to bad. No sexual imagery or words or love you's or anything like that. It was enough though that it confirmed what in my heart I already knew. At least I can try and manage the thoughts running through my mind.
As far as next 2 months we have agreed not to talk about it. It does amaze me though how annoyed she is about what I have done. She even asked me if anyone was at our house last night (I was here on my own) I was like what? No of course not. She blurts out she not bothered but I can see she is furious with jealously. She even went as far as to ring one of our mutual friends to find out who this woman is even though I have never spoken or seen her since. Its like what she is doing doesn't matter but my one indiscretion makes us even ?? I doubt she has told this mutual friend she has been having an affair for at least 6 months
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/18/15 06:24 PM
As far as the affair itself , I cant see it stopping any time soon. I understand what you are saying though. I have read lots on it over the last 2 days and it does seem a large part is the actual thrill of sneaking around and lying whilst getting away with it. They were carless though. I look after their IT system and it didn't take too much to work out that things weren't right.
The big negative is that they own a business together. She has made it pretty clear she does not want to give that up.
Even If she said it was over I would not believe her whilst they work together. It is a definite no no.
As far as him. He's not really her type. 13 years older, smokes, drinks and physically nothing she would look at twice if she didn't know him. The problem is she is emotionally vulnerable and he obviously lonely having just divorced. They both fill a void for ach other.
Will reality kick in at some point? I'm sure it will. As for me, I just need to get out, be the best dad I can and see what happens. Im not waiting around though whilst she is involved with him.
The big negative is that they own a business together. She has made it pretty clear she does not want to give that up.
Even If she said it was over I would not believe her whilst they work together. It is a definite no no.
As far as him. He's not really her type. 13 years older, smokes, drinks and physically nothing she would look at twice if she didn't know him. The problem is she is emotionally vulnerable and he obviously lonely having just divorced. They both fill a void for ach other.
Will reality kick in at some point? I'm sure it will. As for me, I just need to get out, be the best dad I can and see what happens. Im not waiting around though whilst she is involved with him.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/18/15 11:14 PM
Back under same roof since her affair and my one night stand exposed 2 days ago. We have been civil and friendly with each other. Im sleeping on the couch. I couldn't bare to be in same bed as her at the moment and I think the feeling is mutual
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/18/15 11:26 PM
Ok
Just about to go to sleep and had a message from wife who is in bed in room above me. Checking a time for an eye test she has booked. A little strange to be sending just as we're about to go to sleep. Surely that could have waited till tomorrow??
I replied with just ok thanks. To the point but friendly.
Just about to go to sleep and had a message from wife who is in bed in room above me. Checking a time for an eye test she has booked. A little strange to be sending just as we're about to go to sleep. Surely that could have waited till tomorrow??
I replied with just ok thanks. To the point but friendly.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/19/15 02:07 PM
Was doing ok earlier but now empty feeling creeping in. Putting it down to the fact im very tired as i didnt get much sleep.
I havent heard anything from my wife today. Makes it a bit easier.
Spoke to one of my friends at work this morning about the whole situation over weekend. Was good to talk it over again. Amazing when you read other posts and it is so similar to mine. Realisation is that I have been doing stuff for the last 6 months to try and impress her. Not for me. She has lapped this up. She loves her family life and i was filling that making extra effort to be nice. On the same hand she was getting her emotional needs met from having a secret affair. The secret is out now and i wont be taking any more or going out of my way to accomodate it. I have now pulled right back and need to concentrate on me. Just need to bare it for another 2 months till i can move out and detach properly. I feel so guilty about my daughter though. She has no idea. She is still talking about us all going on holiday. Makes me feel sick when she talks like that. I can hardly bare it.
Small plus point is she didnt go to London as she was planning to do with OM. Im sure she will be thinking twice about sneaking around. Theyll be hard times ahead when she says she has to be away for a meeting but ill just have to deal with it. Theyre affair is not going to stop. It just may be put on backburner until I move and she has space to do what ever she wants.
I havent heard anything from my wife today. Makes it a bit easier.
Spoke to one of my friends at work this morning about the whole situation over weekend. Was good to talk it over again. Amazing when you read other posts and it is so similar to mine. Realisation is that I have been doing stuff for the last 6 months to try and impress her. Not for me. She has lapped this up. She loves her family life and i was filling that making extra effort to be nice. On the same hand she was getting her emotional needs met from having a secret affair. The secret is out now and i wont be taking any more or going out of my way to accomodate it. I have now pulled right back and need to concentrate on me. Just need to bare it for another 2 months till i can move out and detach properly. I feel so guilty about my daughter though. She has no idea. She is still talking about us all going on holiday. Makes me feel sick when she talks like that. I can hardly bare it.
Small plus point is she didnt go to London as she was planning to do with OM. Im sure she will be thinking twice about sneaking around. Theyll be hard times ahead when she says she has to be away for a meeting but ill just have to deal with it. Theyre affair is not going to stop. It just may be put on backburner until I move and she has space to do what ever she wants.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/19/15 02:11 PM
Oh
she spent all afternoon and evening yeserday with her best friend. I wonder if she has now been filled in with the details. Seeing texts that they had been sending each other before i found out I dont think she knew. But i dont know. women do talk. I hope i am not being painted as the only bad guy in all this.
she spent all afternoon and evening yeserday with her best friend. I wonder if she has now been filled in with the details. Seeing texts that they had been sending each other before i found out I dont think she knew. But i dont know. women do talk. I hope i am not being painted as the only bad guy in all this.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/19/15 02:29 PM
Can anyone tell me please why my wife is so annoyed at me as well?
Is it because i have discovered her affair or the fact that I also admitted to twice being unfaithfal? She looks at me with hate in her eyes.
I know she is fuming that I have also strayed a few years ago even though i didnt have sex with the other people.
I remember before we got married i told her that my mates had got me a stripper on my stag do. It was the same look in her eyes. Absolute rage and hate against me. Its almost as if what she is doing doesnt matter any more.
Is it because i have discovered her affair or the fact that I also admitted to twice being unfaithfal? She looks at me with hate in her eyes.
I know she is fuming that I have also strayed a few years ago even though i didnt have sex with the other people.
I remember before we got married i told her that my mates had got me a stripper on my stag do. It was the same look in her eyes. Absolute rage and hate against me. Its almost as if what she is doing doesnt matter any more.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/19/15 07:25 PM
So you are just now revealing your two times to her? Are there any more surprises?
How would you have felt if she had had male strippers? I hear it can get pretty raunchy. Did you kick the strippers out, or go along with things......b/c of your buddies? That is what she was thinking about.
And you want to know why she is annoyed? For starters, I would say a little thing like a double standard.
She has been hit with this news of you being unfaithful more than once, and you wonder why she's annoyed? What did you expect? Since she was in an A, it canceled out your own....or somehow made you even with each other? It doesn't, and you kept it hidden all this time. You tried the begging & crying and when that didn't work you thought that was your ace card? If you confess your A's then she would see that both of you had made mistakes and she would be ready to relent? Oh man, were you wrong.
She has cheated, yes. But it doesn't mean she will be any more cool with you cheating on her. Just as you aren't cool with what she's doing. The fact your unfaithfulness may not have been to the degree hers has been, or that it was in the past, makes no difference with her. To her, it might as well happened yesterday. And if you had not confronted her about her A, you probably would never had admitted your own transgressions. She needs time to be angry about your conduct. She needs time to look at this whole situation with this new information. She hasn't digested it.
So, you need to stay away from her. Leave her alone. She feels you have no right to judge her, ask or expect anything from her, or have any truth or accountability from her. She feels she owes you nothing right now. Only space and time, for her to be able to think this out more clearly, can work in your favor. And if she does end the A and decides she wants to work on the M, you had better get both of you into some serious MC to address these issues and how to prevent it happening again.
Quote:
I remember before we got married i told her that my mates had got me a stripper on my stag do. It was the same look in her eyes.
How would you have felt if she had had male strippers? I hear it can get pretty raunchy. Did you kick the strippers out, or go along with things......b/c of your buddies? That is what she was thinking about.
And you want to know why she is annoyed? For starters, I would say a little thing like a double standard.
She has been hit with this news of you being unfaithful more than once, and you wonder why she's annoyed? What did you expect? Since she was in an A, it canceled out your own....or somehow made you even with each other? It doesn't, and you kept it hidden all this time. You tried the begging & crying and when that didn't work you thought that was your ace card? If you confess your A's then she would see that both of you had made mistakes and she would be ready to relent? Oh man, were you wrong.
She has cheated, yes. But it doesn't mean she will be any more cool with you cheating on her. Just as you aren't cool with what she's doing. The fact your unfaithfulness may not have been to the degree hers has been, or that it was in the past, makes no difference with her. To her, it might as well happened yesterday. And if you had not confronted her about her A, you probably would never had admitted your own transgressions. She needs time to be angry about your conduct. She needs time to look at this whole situation with this new information. She hasn't digested it.
So, you need to stay away from her. Leave her alone. She feels you have no right to judge her, ask or expect anything from her, or have any truth or accountability from her. She feels she owes you nothing right now. Only space and time, for her to be able to think this out more clearly, can work in your favor. And if she does end the A and decides she wants to work on the M, you had better get both of you into some serious MC to address these issues and how to prevent it happening again.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/19/15 08:32 PM
Hey Sandi
I complexly agree. I'm not proud of what I did but I did what I did and have to live with that. As far as double standard I can accept that. This is not an excuse but just an explanation. We were already in trouble when this happened, Intimacy in our marriage was dwindling and I didn't know why nor had the skills to find out. The events happened on nights out when I was very drunk and I was the one pursued. I was weak and gave in. The only positive I can take is that I felt so guilty I couldn't go through with it. Again this is not an excuse as there isn't one just an explanation.
As far as the strippers. This was innocent. There was nothing in it at all. It wasnt something enjoyable but embarrassing. Did I say no? No, I just went along with it to be "one of the boys" Have I ever had that again? No. Again this is not an excuse. To be fair I did tell her about the strippers straight away. My wife is no wall flower when it comes to that sort of thing either.
Your right i wouldnt have admitted it had i not found out.
Begging and crying first ? No. I found out asked her, she admitted and said something aong the lines of "well i have no idea what you have done either" so i just admitted it.
Im not judging anything. I think we have both made some very bad choices. We live under the same roof for the moment so we have agreed no more talk about it and just be friendly so as not to upset our daughter.
As far as reconcilliation. It is looking highly unliekly that is going to happen. The man she is having an affair with is her business partner so not as easy as just to end it. Im of the mindset now to detach work on me and be the best dad i can be.
As far as more surprises, there are none from my side. Im not convinced on her time line of her affair though. Red flags suggest it has been going on much longer. They my have only been physical 6 months or so ago but she has been involved with him for much longer im pretty sure of that.
I complexly agree. I'm not proud of what I did but I did what I did and have to live with that. As far as double standard I can accept that. This is not an excuse but just an explanation. We were already in trouble when this happened, Intimacy in our marriage was dwindling and I didn't know why nor had the skills to find out. The events happened on nights out when I was very drunk and I was the one pursued. I was weak and gave in. The only positive I can take is that I felt so guilty I couldn't go through with it. Again this is not an excuse as there isn't one just an explanation.
As far as the strippers. This was innocent. There was nothing in it at all. It wasnt something enjoyable but embarrassing. Did I say no? No, I just went along with it to be "one of the boys" Have I ever had that again? No. Again this is not an excuse. To be fair I did tell her about the strippers straight away. My wife is no wall flower when it comes to that sort of thing either.
Your right i wouldnt have admitted it had i not found out.
Begging and crying first ? No. I found out asked her, she admitted and said something aong the lines of "well i have no idea what you have done either" so i just admitted it.
Im not judging anything. I think we have both made some very bad choices. We live under the same roof for the moment so we have agreed no more talk about it and just be friendly so as not to upset our daughter.
As far as reconcilliation. It is looking highly unliekly that is going to happen. The man she is having an affair with is her business partner so not as easy as just to end it. Im of the mindset now to detach work on me and be the best dad i can be.
As far as more surprises, there are none from my side. Im not convinced on her time line of her affair though. Red flags suggest it has been going on much longer. They my have only been physical 6 months or so ago but she has been involved with him for much longer im pretty sure of that.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/19/15 09:39 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
Hey Sandi
I complexly agree. I'm not proud of what I did but I did what I did and have to live with that. As far as double standard I can accept that. This is not an excuse but just an explanation. We were already in trouble when this happened, Intimacy in our marriage was dwindling and I didn't know why nor had the skills to find out. The events happened on nights out when I was very drunk and I was the one pursued. I was weak and gave in. The only positive I can take is that I felt so guilty I couldn't go through with it. Again this is not an excuse as there isn't one just an explanation.
I complexly agree. I'm not proud of what I did but I did what I did and have to live with that. As far as double standard I can accept that. This is not an excuse but just an explanation. We were already in trouble when this happened, Intimacy in our marriage was dwindling and I didn't know why nor had the skills to find out. The events happened on nights out when I was very drunk and I was the one pursued. I was weak and gave in. The only positive I can take is that I felt so guilty I couldn't go through with it. Again this is not an excuse as there isn't one just an explanation.
Unfortunately while your actions do not fit within the normal DB system nor normal 180 solutions, they did do something as you can see. Your wife is PISSED, and it's an obvious double standard that even she can't lie to herself about. I was never a tit for tatter, but my new belief system is the cheating is more fun as long as the betrayed stays faithful. As soon as the betrayed gets a gf or bf and starts up the sex and having fun with someone else instead of waiting on spouse to return, it dumps cold water on the heat of their affair. They can now see it for what it really is, because they really think what you did was dirty and despicable...
Originally Posted By: SRD
As far as the strippers. This was innocent. There was nothing in it at all. It wasnt something enjoyable but embarrassing. Did I say no? No, I just went along with it to be "one of the boys" Have I ever had that again? No. Again this is not an excuse. To be fair I did tell her about the strippers straight away. My wife is no wall flower when it comes to that sort of thing either.
Strippers is a normal part of many "good" relationships even, of course with rules. Still guys and ladies do things that if their spouse was there they probably would not do... But it is good your wife knows you have a life outside of her.
I take it your story could end up being one of the more positive DB stories in the end if you do what you are supposed to do.
Originally Posted By: SRD
Your right i wouldnt have admitted it had i not found out.
Begging and crying first ? No. I found out asked her, she admitted and said something aong the lines of "well i have no idea what you have done either" so i just admitted it.
How did she respond immediately after this? I take it there was a very quick change in her attitude. You know they are like on god mode when they cheated you, and when you reveal you've done your own it takes that away.
"I didn't really want to, but you've been neglecting my needs for a very long time"
Originally Posted By: SRD
Im not judging anything. I think we have both made some very bad choices. We live under the same roof for the moment so we have agreed no more talk about it and just be friendly so as not to upset our daughter.
As far as reconcilliation. It is looking highly unliekly that is going to happen. The man she is having an affair with is her business partner so not as easy as just to end it. Im of the mindset now to detach work on me and be the best dad i can be.
SMH.
Originally Posted By: SRD
As far as more surprises, there are none from my side. Im not convinced on her time line of her affair though. Red flags suggest it has been going on much longer. They my have only been physical 6 months or so ago but she has been involved with him for much longer im pretty sure of that.
Some of her friends know about it. You can find out which friends know about it by planting a VAR in her car. Also didn't you find out this stuff from phone text chats? Perhaps in her chats to some of her friends it's discussed so you can go back in history.
It doesn't take long to go from inappropriate comments to physical, not long at all.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/19/15 10:57 PM
Wife has been very friendly again this evening. Making chit chat about nothing really. She rang on way home from work to check about tea as well.
Why's? She doesn't need to. I really wish our other house was available sooner so I can just get out. For one I don't fancy sleeping on our couch for the next 2 months and sneaking about so as not alert my daughter.
I'm of the mind set now that they can be together. Let him deal with her mess and untidiness. I'm pretty sure if they had a real relationship that the gloss would wear off pretty quick. She is not the easiest person to live with. Even her best friend has made comments over the years on how patient I have been putting up with her. When I asked her dad for his blessing before we got married he laughed and said do you know what your letting yourself in for. I need to detach which is impossible whilst we're living like this.
Why's? She doesn't need to. I really wish our other house was available sooner so I can just get out. For one I don't fancy sleeping on our couch for the next 2 months and sneaking about so as not alert my daughter.
I'm of the mind set now that they can be together. Let him deal with her mess and untidiness. I'm pretty sure if they had a real relationship that the gloss would wear off pretty quick. She is not the easiest person to live with. Even her best friend has made comments over the years on how patient I have been putting up with her. When I asked her dad for his blessing before we got married he laughed and said do you know what your letting yourself in for. I need to detach which is impossible whilst we're living like this.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/20/15 09:18 AM
OK
Been knocked off my bike this morning on way to work. Karma? who knows
Anyway feel sh**t this morning. Very down. Cant concentrate on anything. Need pull myself together. I really dont know how we're going to get through another 2 months living like this.
I was friendly this morning. Made my wife a cup of tea like i always have done. maybe i should be doing that as that obviously wont be happening when im not around.
I'm also sick of being on the couch. Im worried about my daughter finding out beofre we're ready to tell her.
Been knocked off my bike this morning on way to work. Karma? who knows
Anyway feel sh**t this morning. Very down. Cant concentrate on anything. Need pull myself together. I really dont know how we're going to get through another 2 months living like this.
I was friendly this morning. Made my wife a cup of tea like i always have done. maybe i should be doing that as that obviously wont be happening when im not around.
I'm also sick of being on the couch. Im worried about my daughter finding out beofre we're ready to tell her.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/20/15 11:32 AM
whilst working this morning my mind has been wandering over stuff that has been said in the last 6 months.
One of the things that i was thinking about is that my wife had an employee earlier in teh year. He was divorced after wife ahd an affair.
He was rubbish so she let him go but during his time she hated him. APart from being rubbish at his job he was constantly depressed about his situation. Always moaning about it. he also never did anything. Never went anywhere, never went out.
She was preety scathing about him. I always said i feel a little bit sorry for him. It makes sense now. He wasnt a good person to be around. He was negative. He had not detached and GAL and my wife could see that (she doesnt know about DB) and found it very unatractive.
I will not let myself fall into that. I try to stay upbeat around her. I am organising to do thngs with my daughter. I took her out the other day for a big walk and made snowmen. Weekend i will take her horse riding and and hopefully ice skating. Its very hard but i must stay strong. These are attractive qualties.
One of the things that i was thinking about is that my wife had an employee earlier in teh year. He was divorced after wife ahd an affair.
He was rubbish so she let him go but during his time she hated him. APart from being rubbish at his job he was constantly depressed about his situation. Always moaning about it. he also never did anything. Never went anywhere, never went out.
She was preety scathing about him. I always said i feel a little bit sorry for him. It makes sense now. He wasnt a good person to be around. He was negative. He had not detached and GAL and my wife could see that (she doesnt know about DB) and found it very unatractive.
I will not let myself fall into that. I try to stay upbeat around her. I am organising to do thngs with my daughter. I took her out the other day for a big walk and made snowmen. Weekend i will take her horse riding and and hopefully ice skating. Its very hard but i must stay strong. These are attractive qualties.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/20/15 11:52 AM
Also been thinking about her situation when she was growing up. Her parents seperated when she was 8 or 9 (H PA) She lived with her mum. Sadly 2 years later hem mum got terminal cancer and sadly passed away when she was 11. In the time of seperation though her parents got on very well and he was around all the time. I think she sees this as a positive in splitting up. Her dad though now carries around a huge amount of guilt for what he did. He has never really met anyone else. He is in a relationship but it is not normal.
This is completly opposite to my upbring. My parenst divorced when i was 11. AT teh time i was too young to know why but my mum hated my dad. They haven't spoken sionce they split. I spent many years not in contact with my dad. That has only changed in tehlast couple of years. We now get on quite well and the truth has come out about what happened. only taken 30 years. My mum thoug is scathing about my dad. All her family are. using words like B***tard. It has taken me all this time t realise that what she has done and said about my dad is tottaly unacceptable no matter what he did for his part in teh marriage break down. I will never let that happen to us.
This is completly opposite to my upbring. My parenst divorced when i was 11. AT teh time i was too young to know why but my mum hated my dad. They haven't spoken sionce they split. I spent many years not in contact with my dad. That has only changed in tehlast couple of years. We now get on quite well and the truth has come out about what happened. only taken 30 years. My mum thoug is scathing about my dad. All her family are. using words like B***tard. It has taken me all this time t realise that what she has done and said about my dad is tottaly unacceptable no matter what he did for his part in teh marriage break down. I will never let that happen to us.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/20/15 01:43 PM
Wife jst called to ask me how i am after getting knocked of my bike this morning. I explained said im ok etc but left it at that. She told me she was on her way to a meeting and I just said be careful (bad weather) and left it at that. also just confirmed what we are doing for tea. I am being friendly and civil but leaving it at that. Not prying into what she is doing
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/20/15 03:25 PM
SRD, I am going to try and catch up on your situation this morning, but it would be helpful if you had some of the basics in your signature line.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/20/15 04:27 PM
Hi Jefe
Updated
cheers
Updated
cheers
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/20/15 07:05 PM
Quote:
I have now pulled right back and need to concentrate on me. Just need to bare it for another 2 months till i can move out and detach properly.
How do you mean "detach properly"?
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/20/15 07:17 PM
Hi Sandi
I thought I was detaching as inwasn't pursuing my wife anymore. No more affection on emails texts etc doing my own thing. I now realise I wasn't. I was still in the begging and hoping pursuing phase. I was doing stuff in the hope it would impress her and turn things around.
I now realise it was futile as she already checked out.
We agreed before I found out that I would move back to our other house just round the corner to give her some space. I now realise what that means. We agreed temporary seperation to see how we both feel. I now really need to get out. We are freindly around each other but is just wafer thin. No meaning to it.
We' ll need to talk before I go to put some ground rules in place. Is this temporary, finances child care etc. I will then be pulling right back. I won't be here anymore to run around after her.
I thought I was detaching as inwasn't pursuing my wife anymore. No more affection on emails texts etc doing my own thing. I now realise I wasn't. I was still in the begging and hoping pursuing phase. I was doing stuff in the hope it would impress her and turn things around.
I now realise it was futile as she already checked out.
We agreed before I found out that I would move back to our other house just round the corner to give her some space. I now realise what that means. We agreed temporary seperation to see how we both feel. I now really need to get out. We are freindly around each other but is just wafer thin. No meaning to it.
We' ll need to talk before I go to put some ground rules in place. Is this temporary, finances child care etc. I will then be pulling right back. I won't be here anymore to run around after her.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/20/15 11:03 PM
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Originally Posted By: SRD
Hey Sandi
I complexly agree. I'm not proud of what I did but I did what I did and have to live with that. As far as double standard I can accept that. This is not an excuse but just an explanation. We were already in trouble when this happened, Intimacy in our marriage was dwindling and I didn't know why nor had the skills to find out. The events happened on nights out when I was very drunk and I was the one pursued. I was weak and gave in. The only positive I can take is that I felt so guilty I couldn't go through with it. Again this is not an excuse as there isn't one just an explanation.
I complexly agree. I'm not proud of what I did but I did what I did and have to live with that. As far as double standard I can accept that. This is not an excuse but just an explanation. We were already in trouble when this happened, Intimacy in our marriage was dwindling and I didn't know why nor had the skills to find out. The events happened on nights out when I was very drunk and I was the one pursued. I was weak and gave in. The only positive I can take is that I felt so guilty I couldn't go through with it. Again this is not an excuse as there isn't one just an explanation.
Unfortunately while your actions do not fit within the normal DB system nor normal 180 solutions, they did do something as you can see. Your wife is PISSED, and it's an obvious double standard that even she can't lie to herself about. I was never a tit for tatter, but my new belief system is the cheating is more fun as long as the betrayed stays faithful. As soon as the betrayed gets a gf or bf and starts up the sex and having fun with someone else instead of waiting on spouse to return, it dumps cold water on the heat of their affair. They can now see it for what it really is, because they really think what you did was dirty and despicable...
Originally Posted By: SRD
As far as the strippers. This was innocent. There was nothing in it at all. It wasnt something enjoyable but embarrassing. Did I say no? No, I just went along with it to be "one of the boys" Have I ever had that again? No. Again this is not an excuse. To be fair I did tell her about the strippers straight away. My wife is no wall flower when it comes to that sort of thing either.
Strippers is a normal part of many "good" relationships even, of course with rules. Still guys and ladies do things that if their spouse was there they probably would not do... But it is good your wife knows you have a life outside of her.
I take it your story could end up being one of the more positive DB stories in the end if you do what you are supposed to do.
Originally Posted By: SRD
Your right i wouldnt have admitted it had i not found out.
Begging and crying first ? No. I found out asked her, she admitted and said something aong the lines of "well i have no idea what you have done either" so i just admitted it.
How did she respond immediately after this? I take it there was a very quick change in her attitude. You know they are like on god mode when they cheated you, and when you reveal you've done your own it takes that away.
"I didn't really want to, but you've been neglecting my needs for a very long time"
Originally Posted By: SRD
Im not judging anything. I think we have both made some very bad choices. We live under the same roof for the moment so we have agreed no more talk about it and just be friendly so as not to upset our daughter.
As far as reconcilliation. It is looking highly unliekly that is going to happen. The man she is having an affair with is her business partner so not as easy as just to end it. Im of the mindset now to detach work on me and be the best dad i can be.
SMH.
Originally Posted By: SRD
As far as more surprises, there are none from my side. Im not convinced on her time line of her affair though. Red flags suggest it has been going on much longer. They my have only been physical 6 months or so ago but she has been involved with him for much longer im pretty sure of that.
Some of her friends know about it. You can find out which friends know about it by planting a VAR in her car. Also didn't you find out this stuff from phone text chats? Perhaps in her chats to some of her friends it's discussed so you can go back in history.
It doesn't take long to go from inappropriate comments to physical, not long at all.
Hi
As soon as I found out 3am in the night and confronted her she was very upset. Demanding her phone back. Freaking out. When I asked how long she was pretty vague. Saying she doesn't know 6 months maybe. After a few questions she was saying "anyway I've no idea what you have done " and talking about a social cycling site I use. I thought I might as well just tell her get it all out. She was apologetic obviously ashamed and panicking but also really annoyed.We talked for about 3 hours before we had to sort my daughter out and go to work. I don't know how we did.
The next day when I saw her later on she was fuming. She had rang a mutual friend to find out who the woman was. Asking questions about her and the night. Now this has oissed me off as I have no idea what was said and I don't want to be painted as the only bad guy here. She was really pissed. It made me feel better because at least she felt something. She was saying she wosnt bothered later but easy to see she was. Believe nothing of what they say.
Strippers was maybe misjudged but it was innocent. Nothing at all happened and i was honest straight away
In my panicking I was demanding in that she end it and can't work with him and said to put her rings back on. What was interesting was that she said she had been in 2 mines about putting them back on. She said she missed them. Anyway they're still off and I can't see them going back on now.
As far as friends knowing I'm not sure. I did check messages between them and there was no talk of om. Just concern for her about our marriage failing.
As for checking now....I don't need to know. I'm pretty sure her best friend will know now as she was with her for hours on Sunday. She is single and always really has been but has been involved with a married man in nth past which all ended badly. Hopefully she will talk some sense into her.
It would be very difficult for them to have a relationship in the open. It would be so obvious what has been going on. Our daughter even though only 8 would work it out when older. 1 of his children already suspected to which he denied so this wouldr ruin his allready shitty relationship with his kids. My wife's family would be mortified. She has lied to them all especially her dad.
He is also a lot older and lives mainly in London plus they work together. It's a real mess. But will she stop seeing him. I doubt it. The love drug is still causing through her veins. Will it cool off. Maybe. The secret is out.
She repeatedly said she has no idea what she is doing. She has no plan her head is up her arse.
At some point they will need to think about what they are doing. Go public? Go on then. The gloss will wear off pretty quick I think.
Me...I just need to detach gal and continue to have a friendly relationship for our daughters sake.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/21/15 10:16 AM
Feeling pretty SH1t this morning. Not had much sleep and things seemed a bit frosty between us. I really don't know if I can carry on being here. I made the most of getting my daughter ready for school. I'm working at home today which isn't great as im on my own with time to think!
I was going over some more In my head about the timeline and things started to drop into place. She says 6 months to me. Now im not sure f that's when they started sleeping together or if that when they started EA and lying. Anyway looking back over my notes I can see back in September that Jane had tried to talk to me about a way forward with us which at the time I didn't discuss. Was this some sort of last effort on her part? We never did discuss and things then obviously escalated between them. She was all the while very negative about my Mum which was all directed at me. Now this is definitely an issue in our relationship but I can see now why she was making huge a big deal about it on a regular basis. It puts the blame on me. Makes it easier for her to carry on doing what she is doing. Eases the guilt. Reading up this is a common tactic. September into October there were still sign of her caring. Called me babe a few times, stroked my arm that sort of thing. This stopped fairly recently all together. Was this when she gave up completely on me? She seemed to be wrestling with the 2 situations October and November last year. We spent a lot of time together as a family and there was still some tactile moments in November early December and she was also comfortable with me still see her semi naked. She had asked me also to check her foot which was sore so felt comfortable with that. It seems end of December she finally gave up me. I had noticed she would not get changed in front of me. I also recently noticed new underwear. Any mention of a way forward for us stopped. She became obsessed with her phone. Spent more weekends in "work" Week before I found out she took her rings off. Completely checked out.
I was going over some more In my head about the timeline and things started to drop into place. She says 6 months to me. Now im not sure f that's when they started sleeping together or if that when they started EA and lying. Anyway looking back over my notes I can see back in September that Jane had tried to talk to me about a way forward with us which at the time I didn't discuss. Was this some sort of last effort on her part? We never did discuss and things then obviously escalated between them. She was all the while very negative about my Mum which was all directed at me. Now this is definitely an issue in our relationship but I can see now why she was making huge a big deal about it on a regular basis. It puts the blame on me. Makes it easier for her to carry on doing what she is doing. Eases the guilt. Reading up this is a common tactic. September into October there were still sign of her caring. Called me babe a few times, stroked my arm that sort of thing. This stopped fairly recently all together. Was this when she gave up completely on me? She seemed to be wrestling with the 2 situations October and November last year. We spent a lot of time together as a family and there was still some tactile moments in November early December and she was also comfortable with me still see her semi naked. She had asked me also to check her foot which was sore so felt comfortable with that. It seems end of December she finally gave up me. I had noticed she would not get changed in front of me. I also recently noticed new underwear. Any mention of a way forward for us stopped. She became obsessed with her phone. Spent more weekends in "work" Week before I found out she took her rings off. Completely checked out.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/21/15 05:12 PM
My little girl is home which instantly made me feel better. Selfish I know but she lights me up. We're doing her homework together now.
I actually thought earlier when she came in im looking forward to us spending time together just me and her. I still feel sick though at the thought we're breaking apart her little world.
I actually thought earlier when she came in im looking forward to us spending time together just me and her. I still feel sick though at the thought we're breaking apart her little world.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/21/15 05:55 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
Hi Sandi
I thought I was detaching as inwasn't pursuing my wife anymore. No more affection on emails texts etc doing my own thing. I now realise I wasn't. I was still in the begging and hoping pursuing phase. I was doing stuff in the hope it would impress her and turn things around.
I now realise it was futile as she already checked out.
We agreed before I found out that I would move back to our other house just round the corner to give her some space. I now realise what that means. We agreed temporary seperation to see how we both feel. I now really need to get out. We are freindly around each other but is just wafer thin. No meaning to it.
We' ll need to talk before I go to put some ground rules in place. Is this temporary, finances child care etc. I will then be pulling right back. I won't be here anymore to run around after her.
I thought I was detaching as inwasn't pursuing my wife anymore. No more affection on emails texts etc doing my own thing. I now realise I wasn't. I was still in the begging and hoping pursuing phase. I was doing stuff in the hope it would impress her and turn things around.
I now realise it was futile as she already checked out.
We agreed before I found out that I would move back to our other house just round the corner to give her some space. I now realise what that means. We agreed temporary seperation to see how we both feel. I now really need to get out. We are freindly around each other but is just wafer thin. No meaning to it.
We' ll need to talk before I go to put some ground rules in place. Is this temporary, finances child care etc. I will then be pulling right back. I won't be here anymore to run around after her.
I've always been a big advocate of GAL and doing the 180 is much easier if you get into activities that you LOVE to do. So it's not doing it to stay away from her, but doing things you love to do that make you feel good or make you productive.
Part of my GAL strategy is getting into really good physical conditioning, improving your dress and grooming, also doing some social activiites....
So I have been mentioning Salsa, Step, Ball Room Dance, etc as ways to enjoy the company of the opposite sex without necessarily cheating.
I just started my salsa back up, and my current lady and I are having problems where I too need to "pull back" according to 180 and GAL principles...
Well in any case, I found through the salsa and I knew this from the past, I would have the close presence of friendly ladies who want to be in my space and our hands on each other. It literally fills the soul and I wasn't even thinking about my lady, but rather the nice lady who is dancing with me who wants me right on her... I went home with a source of confidence that hadn't been fed in years!
So I advice for other male and females as some sort of "social" dancing is good for the soul, and will make it much easier to "pull back" from your relation partner.
Often even when there is not trouble or affairs, you may need to "pull back" if you have been doing too much persuing! It increases your partners interest and attraction to you.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/21/15 06:48 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
My little girl is home which instantly made me feel better. Selfish I know but she lights me up. We're doing her homework together now.
I actually thought earlier when she came in im looking forward to us spending time together just me and her. I still feel sick though at the thought we're breaking apart her little world.
I actually thought earlier when she came in im looking forward to us spending time together just me and her. I still feel sick though at the thought we're breaking apart her little world.
Your not breaking her world up. You have to man up. Perhaps you can do what it takes for your WAW to be a grown up and stop chasing waterfalls. I think you need to show her you can do what she is, and that it's not a big deal. Get back into your life. I'm glad she knew about your side action, it really leveled her.
You can also find out more details about the OM whether he has other women, is married, if they are messing around and breaking ethics in the work environment.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/21/15 07:13 PM
funny how one little thing can instantly make you feel better. At least for a bit
One of my mates on a social running site (strava) just posted his 3 mile run.
Title: Worst Ever. Diarrhoea. Had to stop mid run for a poo behind a bush. Had to wipe with a fern. bad day
Oh my god. That has cheered me up.
Sorry if that caused offence to anyone.
One of my mates on a social running site (strava) just posted his 3 mile run.
Title: Worst Ever. Diarrhoea. Had to stop mid run for a poo behind a bush. Had to wipe with a fern. bad day
Oh my god. That has cheered me up.
Sorry if that caused offence to anyone.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/21/15 10:33 PM
Wife has come home late. Apparently been at her best friends. Who knows. To be honest I'd didn't really care. I've been looking at houses to rent. I just want out. Have been thinking about stuff I can do and spending quality time with my daughter. I'm not sure I can stick it for 2 more months. We had a freindly chat about her best freind hating her job and about our daughter. I was friendly and civil but at the same time aloof. I didn't enquire about what she had done.
She made me a tea and then asked if I'd kill a spider. She is terrified of them. Who does she think is going to get em when I'm gone? She is still juggling both worlds. She doesn't mention work at all though now which is a relief. From my point of view it's one of the reasons we're at this point. She spends all her time working. Foolishly I didn't realise this included sleeping with her business partner.
She made me a tea and then asked if I'd kill a spider. She is terrified of them. Who does she think is going to get em when I'm gone? She is still juggling both worlds. She doesn't mention work at all though now which is a relief. From my point of view it's one of the reasons we're at this point. She spends all her time working. Foolishly I didn't realise this included sleeping with her business partner.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/22/15 08:22 AM
Feel rubbish this morning. Not slept well as there was a disturbance at the neighbours. Why do i always feel worse in the morning. Just tired i guess.
Last night I mentioned to my wife im coming in the office today. She was like "oh why?" i just said i feel it would be better for me to be in. Usually i work at home 3 days per week. I feel i need to be around people though so made the effort to cycle in.
Now she has been going onto me since i started working at home 3 years ago that i should get in the office more. Then when i have 180ed and said im going in she is surprised i am.
Last night I mentioned to my wife im coming in the office today. She was like "oh why?" i just said i feel it would be better for me to be in. Usually i work at home 3 days per week. I feel i need to be around people though so made the effort to cycle in.
Now she has been going onto me since i started working at home 3 years ago that i should get in the office more. Then when i have 180ed and said im going in she is surprised i am.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/22/15 06:26 PM
I need some advice please.
I am looking at moving out as soon as possible. renting somewhere and leave our tenants in our other house. I need to move on and cant whilst still here whilst my wife is still involved with OM. I have no idea what the situation is between them now. But she is still working with him so as far as im concerned she still chooses to be with him.
I have seen on these boards though that I should not move out. The problem is I cant afford to live here on my own if my wife moved out. How will she see any consequences though if she gets to stay in her house without really losing anything? My daughter will be here half the week and our cat (silly I know but I love him to) Will the fact that im no longer around to fetch and carry be enough that she thinks about what she is doing?
I am looking at moving out as soon as possible. renting somewhere and leave our tenants in our other house. I need to move on and cant whilst still here whilst my wife is still involved with OM. I have no idea what the situation is between them now. But she is still working with him so as far as im concerned she still chooses to be with him.
I have seen on these boards though that I should not move out. The problem is I cant afford to live here on my own if my wife moved out. How will she see any consequences though if she gets to stay in her house without really losing anything? My daughter will be here half the week and our cat (silly I know but I love him to) Will the fact that im no longer around to fetch and carry be enough that she thinks about what she is doing?
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/22/15 06:53 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
Wife jst called to ask me how i am after getting knocked of my bike this morning. I explained said im ok etc but left it at that. She told me she was on her way to a meeting and I just said be careful (bad weather) and left it at that. also just confirmed what we are doing for tea. I am being friendly and civil but leaving it at that. Not prying into what she is doing
How did she know you got "knocked off your bike"? I wouldn't be broadcasting any failures or negative events, it's like doing it to your nemesis. Each one of them prove you are less of a "man" than the OM. I wouldn't say a word.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/22/15 07:01 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
I need some advice please.
I am looking at moving out as soon as possible. renting somewhere and leave our tenants in our other house. I need to move on and cant whilst still here whilst my wife is still involved with OM. I have no idea what the situation is between them now. But she is still working with him so as far as im concerned she still chooses to be with him.
I have seen on these boards though that I should not move out. The problem is I cant afford to live here on my own if my wife moved out. How will she see any consequences though if she gets to stay in her house without really losing anything? My daughter will be here half the week and our cat (silly I know but I love him to) Will the fact that im no longer around to fetch and carry be enough that she thinks about what she is doing?
I am looking at moving out as soon as possible. renting somewhere and leave our tenants in our other house. I need to move on and cant whilst still here whilst my wife is still involved with OM. I have no idea what the situation is between them now. But she is still working with him so as far as im concerned she still chooses to be with him.
I have seen on these boards though that I should not move out. The problem is I cant afford to live here on my own if my wife moved out. How will she see any consequences though if she gets to stay in her house without really losing anything? My daughter will be here half the week and our cat (silly I know but I love him to) Will the fact that im no longer around to fetch and carry be enough that she thinks about what she is doing?
Well you could move out and stop making your contribution...
Of course it would be better if she couldn't afford and had to move out.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/22/15 08:44 PM
Wife and daughter have come home. Daughter is very upset about an incident at school today. I gave her a great big hug and talked to her about it. It was her fault but I couldn't bring myself to be angry at her not when I know what's coming.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/22/15 09:12 PM
Hi SRD
Many people on the board do say not to move out. But if you can't afford to remain there and you want to separate, that may be what you need to do. I moved out, but my sitch was different in that we have no kids and H's S lived with us at weekends. At the time, I just went to stay with my parents for a bit, and then that became more permanent when H didn't end the A. Looking back, I wouldn't have wanted to disrupt SS anyway.
In terms of consequences, of course there are plenty of these if you S. There is the huge consequence of no longer being a family together in a home with your D. There are also financial consequences, social consequences (how will others react). There is also the consequence that the R with OM will take the 'strain' if you are not living together and providing practical and moral support.
So, whilst many aren't in favour of moving out, I would say do what you need to do in the circumstances. Do what is best for you and to give your D the best home life possible if you do separate. Sorry she had a tough day. Hope she's feeling all better now.
Toots :-)
Many people on the board do say not to move out. But if you can't afford to remain there and you want to separate, that may be what you need to do. I moved out, but my sitch was different in that we have no kids and H's S lived with us at weekends. At the time, I just went to stay with my parents for a bit, and then that became more permanent when H didn't end the A. Looking back, I wouldn't have wanted to disrupt SS anyway.
In terms of consequences, of course there are plenty of these if you S. There is the huge consequence of no longer being a family together in a home with your D. There are also financial consequences, social consequences (how will others react). There is also the consequence that the R with OM will take the 'strain' if you are not living together and providing practical and moral support.
So, whilst many aren't in favour of moving out, I would say do what you need to do in the circumstances. Do what is best for you and to give your D the best home life possible if you do separate. Sorry she had a tough day. Hope she's feeling all better now.
Toots :-)
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/22/15 09:44 PM
Hi srd
Toots makes perfect sense (as always) up above. I'd encourage you to check my threads I moved out and w moved back in after w went to live with her mum with our s BUT we rented our place which has different repercussions and s has his own room in both our old place and my new place.
Take it easy, breathe, take your time...
Toots makes perfect sense (as always) up above. I'd encourage you to check my threads I moved out and w moved back in after w went to live with her mum with our s BUT we rented our place which has different repercussions and s has his own room in both our old place and my new place.
Take it easy, breathe, take your time...
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/22/15 10:20 PM
Thanks both
I really don't know what to do. This morning I was dead set on moving out. Now not so sure.
It will shatter my daughters world but then it is going to get shattered at some point. If I don't go my wife will. I'm also sleeping on the couch. At some point she is going to see this. There is a lot on tension between me and wife. We watched tv together tonight and we talked just general chit chat. She sounds like my wife, looks like my wife but althiugh still married she is not my wife. Not at the moment and possibly ever. Think I'll go and see this house tomorrow. Then speak to my wife see what she says. As far as OM it's not going to stop. They own a business together. At some point the reality will kick in. You can't be in a secret affair for ever. Maybe if they wanted to live together. Who knows. But I can't just hang around hoping. I've spent 6 months in the dark hoping when in her mind she had already gone I need to get on with my own life. It's only been a week since the BD. Am i being to hasty
I really don't know what to do. This morning I was dead set on moving out. Now not so sure.
It will shatter my daughters world but then it is going to get shattered at some point. If I don't go my wife will. I'm also sleeping on the couch. At some point she is going to see this. There is a lot on tension between me and wife. We watched tv together tonight and we talked just general chit chat. She sounds like my wife, looks like my wife but althiugh still married she is not my wife. Not at the moment and possibly ever. Think I'll go and see this house tomorrow. Then speak to my wife see what she says. As far as OM it's not going to stop. They own a business together. At some point the reality will kick in. You can't be in a secret affair for ever. Maybe if they wanted to live together. Who knows. But I can't just hang around hoping. I've spent 6 months in the dark hoping when in her mind she had already gone I need to get on with my own life. It's only been a week since the BD. Am i being to hasty
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/22/15 10:53 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
Thanks both
I really don't know what to do. This morning I was dead set on moving out. Now not so sure.
It will shatter my daughters world but then it is going to get shattered at some point. If I don't go my wife will. I'm also sleeping on the couch. At some point she is going to see this. There is a lot on tension between me and wife. We watched tv together tonight and we talked just general chit chat. She sounds like my wife, looks like my wife but althiugh still married she is not my wife. Not at the moment and possibly ever. Think I'll go and see this house tomorrow. Then speak to my wife see what she says. As far as OM it's not going to stop. They own a business together. At some point the reality will kick in. You can't be in a secret affair for ever. Maybe if they wanted to live together. Who knows. But I can't just hang around hoping. I've spent 6 months in the dark hoping when in her mind she had already gone I need to get on with my own life. It's only been a week since the BD. Am i being to hasty
I really don't know what to do. This morning I was dead set on moving out. Now not so sure.
It will shatter my daughters world but then it is going to get shattered at some point. If I don't go my wife will. I'm also sleeping on the couch. At some point she is going to see this. There is a lot on tension between me and wife. We watched tv together tonight and we talked just general chit chat. She sounds like my wife, looks like my wife but althiugh still married she is not my wife. Not at the moment and possibly ever. Think I'll go and see this house tomorrow. Then speak to my wife see what she says. As far as OM it's not going to stop. They own a business together. At some point the reality will kick in. You can't be in a secret affair for ever. Maybe if they wanted to live together. Who knows. But I can't just hang around hoping. I've spent 6 months in the dark hoping when in her mind she had already gone I need to get on with my own life. It's only been a week since the BD. Am i being to hasty
You could always do it old school and take matters into your own hands. I'm sorry to hear of your powerlessness put onto you by another man acting through your wife...
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/23/15 08:03 AM
More sniping at each other this morning. My wife asked if she could use my works car park space at weekend when she takes our daughter to a show. Now I had presumed she would be using the car park right next to the venue as its a bit of a walk from my office. When I said this she immediately got defensive saying forget it forget it and becoming angry. I said no it's fine I will ask to which she just carried on. This has always been a trait in her. I then said its not about us and I'll ask about the space for our daughter. My wife just continued being aggressive and getting argumentative in front of our daughter. I just didn't respond but she kept pushing. She is obviously still very pissed off. she also made a sarcastic comment relating to my snooping and finding out what has been going on. I trid to reason with her but it's just impossible. This has just set my mind again that I need to get out asap. This is not my wife anymore and why do I want to be with her. I don't. The person I want to be with is not here at the moment and may be never will be again. The way I think at the moment is that he's bloody welcome to her. I Know even though she doesn't show it that she is also hurting. At the moment though she just has a look of hate towards me.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/23/15 05:12 PM
OK
after this morning argument I haven't spoken to my wife all day. In fact I have been refraining from calling her since BD anyway.
All I did do was send her a polite but concise emails stating I had bought some tea (because she asked before she left) dates for my daughters holiday and letting her know there was a parking slot booked for them at weekend (which is why she kicked off this morning)
There was no emotion other than Hi and thanks. No asking anything else
Anyway didn't hear back at all as expected. Now she has rang me whilst taking our daughter swimming. Im not really sure why. Tea was mentioned I asked how daughter was that was about it. all friendly and polite. Again there was no real need to ring me so why did she? Hard to detach when she is still playing lets be friends.
separate point. went to look at a house. Was a bit small though. not really sure it will do. It is quite a bit cheaper than me moving back to our other house though. Just doing finances now. See if I can reduce any
after this morning argument I haven't spoken to my wife all day. In fact I have been refraining from calling her since BD anyway.
All I did do was send her a polite but concise emails stating I had bought some tea (because she asked before she left) dates for my daughters holiday and letting her know there was a parking slot booked for them at weekend (which is why she kicked off this morning)
There was no emotion other than Hi and thanks. No asking anything else
Anyway didn't hear back at all as expected. Now she has rang me whilst taking our daughter swimming. Im not really sure why. Tea was mentioned I asked how daughter was that was about it. all friendly and polite. Again there was no real need to ring me so why did she? Hard to detach when she is still playing lets be friends.
separate point. went to look at a house. Was a bit small though. not really sure it will do. It is quite a bit cheaper than me moving back to our other house though. Just doing finances now. See if I can reduce any
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/23/15 05:26 PM
Quote:
Think I'll go and see this house tomorrow. Then speak to my wife see what she says.
Why?
Quote:
she also made a sarcastic comment relating to my snooping and finding out what has been going on. I trid to reason with her
Why?
And, why are trying to rent a house that is just around the corner from your W who is in an A? And don't you dare say it is for D8. It is for YOU, and it is not a good idea to live anywhere near her.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/23/15 05:51 PM
Hey Sandi
I am looking to stay in the same areas as I am now. I love where I live. Why should I give that up? and yes so im close to my daughter? It just so happened this house I looked at was about a mile away but im viewing another next week a bit further.
As far as speaking to my wife, its not about getting her approval but about finances. If I could I would force her out but she already knows I cant stay here on my own and survive financially. I have a lot of money currently tied up in our house. Im not just going to walk away from that. We need to work something out in the long run
As far as her sarcastic comments this morning, I tried not to engage but she was definitely prodding the bear with a stick.
I get your point though just completely ignore that behaviour.
Im trying.
I am looking to stay in the same areas as I am now. I love where I live. Why should I give that up? and yes so im close to my daughter? It just so happened this house I looked at was about a mile away but im viewing another next week a bit further.
As far as speaking to my wife, its not about getting her approval but about finances. If I could I would force her out but she already knows I cant stay here on my own and survive financially. I have a lot of money currently tied up in our house. Im not just going to walk away from that. We need to work something out in the long run
As far as her sarcastic comments this morning, I tried not to engage but she was definitely prodding the bear with a stick.
I get your point though just completely ignore that behaviour.
Im trying.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/23/15 06:16 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
Hey Sandi
I am looking to stay in the same areas as I am now. I love where I live. Why should I give that up? and yes so im close to my daughter? It just so happened this house I looked at was about a mile away but im viewing another next week a bit further.
As far as speaking to my wife, its not about getting her approval but about finances. If I could I would force her out but she already knows I cant stay here on my own and survive financially. I have a lot of money currently tied up in our house. Im not just going to walk away from that. We need to work something out in the long run
As far as her sarcastic comments this morning, I tried not to engage but she was definitely prodding the bear with a stick.
I get your point though just completely ignore that behaviour.
Im trying.
I am looking to stay in the same areas as I am now. I love where I live. Why should I give that up? and yes so im close to my daughter? It just so happened this house I looked at was about a mile away but im viewing another next week a bit further.
As far as speaking to my wife, its not about getting her approval but about finances. If I could I would force her out but she already knows I cant stay here on my own and survive financially. I have a lot of money currently tied up in our house. Im not just going to walk away from that. We need to work something out in the long run
As far as her sarcastic comments this morning, I tried not to engage but she was definitely prodding the bear with a stick.
I get your point though just completely ignore that behaviour.
Im trying.
YOu gotta look @ it as a male friend who was close to you. This guy just conspired with another guy and robbed you and played you for a sucker.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/23/15 07:19 PM
Oh believe me I got played for a sucker. I have been involved from the start helping set their business up doing all the it. This guy has been in my house, met my daughter and wife's brother. I gotta push that out my mind or I'll go crazy.
Or do something very silly.
Or do something very silly.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/23/15 07:22 PM
I'm currently in the kitchen making tea with music on just to make myself feel better for 5 mins. Wife just told me someone has pranged her car. I listened was friendly. Felt like saying why should I give a [censored]
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/23/15 08:47 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
Oh believe me I got played for a sucker. I have been involved from the start helping set their business up doing all the it. This guy has been in my house, met my daughter and wife's brother. I gotta push that out my mind or I'll go crazy.
Or do something very silly.
Or do something very silly.
Well you don't have to do anything to the other guy. But you are allowed to defend yourself, and you should press charges.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/23/15 08:51 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
I'm currently in the kitchen making tea with music on just to make myself feel better for 5 mins. Wife just told me someone has pranged her car. I listened was friendly. Felt like saying why should I give a [censored]
And you shouldn't let other man take care of that. It's all about you right now.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/23/15 10:12 PM
Hey daddy
I'm not catching your drift with what you say. Press charges? I don't want a war. I don't have the money or the appetite for that. That would definitely make things a whole lot worse with my wife. I have to be the bigger person and be civil and friendly for the sake of our daughter. I don't ever want her turning on me because I've been malicious as much as the OM deserves it. Right now my wife would fight his and their business's corner. That's alll she seems to care about and has for a long time.
Prang of car? Not my problem not my car. If it is damaged she needs to stand on her own to sort it. I listened commented as our daughter was there but left it at that. I certainly wasn't showing any concern.
I'm not catching your drift with what you say. Press charges? I don't want a war. I don't have the money or the appetite for that. That would definitely make things a whole lot worse with my wife. I have to be the bigger person and be civil and friendly for the sake of our daughter. I don't ever want her turning on me because I've been malicious as much as the OM deserves it. Right now my wife would fight his and their business's corner. That's alll she seems to care about and has for a long time.
Prang of car? Not my problem not my car. If it is damaged she needs to stand on her own to sort it. I listened commented as our daughter was there but left it at that. I certainly wasn't showing any concern.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/23/15 10:18 PM
Another frosty night in front of the tv. Funny really as katie price on BB was going on about being heart broken by her husbands affairs but giving him a 2nd chance. Wife just acted like she couldn't hear it lol.
She made the odd effort to speak to me but to be honest I've given up. As it stands I can't see a way back. Certainly not while we're under same roof. Both hurting both upset she chooses her business and OM over me and family. She tries to rationalise it saying she works so hard to provide for our daughter. Just bullshit. If she had our daughters best interests at heart she would see how damaging the business has been to our family and give it up. What's annoying is that family members see it as great she has been so successful. They don't see the damage it has done.
She made the odd effort to speak to me but to be honest I've given up. As it stands I can't see a way back. Certainly not while we're under same roof. Both hurting both upset she chooses her business and OM over me and family. She tries to rationalise it saying she works so hard to provide for our daughter. Just bullshit. If she had our daughters best interests at heart she would see how damaging the business has been to our family and give it up. What's annoying is that family members see it as great she has been so successful. They don't see the damage it has done.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/23/15 10:23 PM
I've tried very hard on my mistakes regarding my mother interfering. What ever I said or did though over the last six months was never good enough. I see why now. Projecting her guilt onto me so it's easier for her to live with. Seeing at least 1 more house next week just seen another as well that looked promising.
Don't want to leave don't see why I should have to but financially at the moment she holds the cards earning a lot more than I do. If she goes I can't afford to stay here
Don't want to leave don't see why I should have to but financially at the moment she holds the cards earning a lot more than I do. If she goes I can't afford to stay here
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/23/15 10:36 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
Hey daddy
I'm not catching your drift with what you say. Press charges? I don't want a war. I don't have the money or the appetite for that. That would definitely make things a whole lot worse with my wife. I have to be the bigger person and be civil and friendly for the sake of our daughter. I don't ever want her turning on me because I've been malicious as much as the OM deserves it. Right now my wife would fight his and their business's corner. That's alll she seems to care about and has for a long time.
Prang of car? Not my problem not my car. If it is damaged she needs to stand on her own to sort it. I listened commented as our daughter was there but left it at that. I certainly wasn't showing any concern.
I'm not catching your drift with what you say. Press charges? I don't want a war. I don't have the money or the appetite for that. That would definitely make things a whole lot worse with my wife. I have to be the bigger person and be civil and friendly for the sake of our daughter. I don't ever want her turning on me because I've been malicious as much as the OM deserves it. Right now my wife would fight his and their business's corner. That's alll she seems to care about and has for a long time.
Prang of car? Not my problem not my car. If it is damaged she needs to stand on her own to sort it. I listened commented as our daughter was there but left it at that. I certainly wasn't showing any concern.
I said you don't have to start a fight with the other guy, but you can "let" him start one with you. You can be prepared and devastate him and press charges. And remember in a street fight anything is legal, you don't only have to use your hands.
You can also destroy or cause him harm through relationships and inappropriate transgressions in the workplace.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/24/15 12:35 AM
Quote:
I am looking to stay in the same areas as I am now. I love where I live. Why should I give that up? and yes so im close to my daughter? It just so happened this house I looked at was about a mile away but im viewing another next week a bit further.
Well first of all, a mile away is not just around the corner, as you had said. And I am not saying not to be close to your D, but honestly, what can you do for her in a mile away that you couldn't do five miles away? The point I am trying to make is to be true with yourself. You told us in the beginning that your W said you had made her feel like a single parent. Just saying.........
There have been other LBH'S who would move into a house too close to the W's and then they would see too much. Kept them upset all the time. You don't need to be driving by her house every time you head to your place. If you are going to live apart, then at least make it far enough you don't have to drive by her place all the time. Do you see what I am trying to say? You don't have to move out of town, but neither should you live too close. If you are going to separate, then don't try to move into the back yard.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/24/15 08:39 AM
Hi Sandi
I get what your saying. as far as me moving out can you advise. Months ago before I knew wife had said she needed space . Temporary seperation is what we agreed. Last week just before I knew and when I found out again she was saying I had never given her any space.she has no idea what she is doing and can't think.Now knowing what I know am I still wise to move out? At the moment it's like a pressure cooker. My daughter almost found me on the couch this morning. I'm trying to be friendly and civil because of our daughter but I'm sure she knows something is wrong. Most people seem to say don't move out although I have seen the odd one who has. I have no leverage as if I say I'm staying then she will move and financially I can't manage.
I get what your saying. as far as me moving out can you advise. Months ago before I knew wife had said she needed space . Temporary seperation is what we agreed. Last week just before I knew and when I found out again she was saying I had never given her any space.she has no idea what she is doing and can't think.Now knowing what I know am I still wise to move out? At the moment it's like a pressure cooker. My daughter almost found me on the couch this morning. I'm trying to be friendly and civil because of our daughter but I'm sure she knows something is wrong. Most people seem to say don't move out although I have seen the odd one who has. I have no leverage as if I say I'm staying then she will move and financially I can't manage.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/24/15 09:18 AM
Why do I feel worse in the mornings
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/24/15 01:54 PM
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Originally Posted By: SRD
Wife jst called to ask me how i am after getting knocked of my bike this morning. I explained said im ok etc but left it at that. She told me she was on her way to a meeting and I just said be careful (bad weather) and left it at that. also just confirmed what we are doing for tea. I am being friendly and civil but leaving it at that. Not prying into what she is doing
How did she know you got "knocked off your bike"? I wouldn't be broadcasting any failures or negative events, it's like doing it to your nemesis. Each one of them prove you are less of a "man" than the OM. I wouldn't say a word.
I sent her an email to let her know. It is logged on my social cycling site. If I hadn't have told her she wold have found out from her brother who is on same site and it would of seemed a bit weird that I didn't tell her. I was looking for sympathy. I was just straight to the point. I did think about not mentioning it though
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/24/15 01:58 PM
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Originally Posted By: SRD
I need some advice please.
I am looking at moving out as soon as possible. renting somewhere and leave our tenants in our other house. I need to move on and cant whilst still here whilst my wife is still involved with OM. I have no idea what the situation is between them now. But she is still working with him so as far as im concerned she still chooses to be with him.
I have seen on these boards though that I should not move out. The problem is I cant afford to live here on my own if my wife moved out. How will she see any consequences though if she gets to stay in her house without really losing anything? My daughter will be here half the week and our cat (silly I know but I love him to) Will the fact that im no longer around to fetch and carry be enough that she thinks about what she is doing?
I am looking at moving out as soon as possible. renting somewhere and leave our tenants in our other house. I need to move on and cant whilst still here whilst my wife is still involved with OM. I have no idea what the situation is between them now. But she is still working with him so as far as im concerned she still chooses to be with him.
I have seen on these boards though that I should not move out. The problem is I cant afford to live here on my own if my wife moved out. How will she see any consequences though if she gets to stay in her house without really losing anything? My daughter will be here half the week and our cat (silly I know but I love him to) Will the fact that im no longer around to fetch and carry be enough that she thinks about what she is doing?
Well you could move out and stop making your contribution...
Of course it would be better if she couldn't afford and had to move out.
unfortunately my wife earns a lot more than I do. I cant afford to be here on my own and she knows that. There is very little I can do other than moving out. Yes there will be no contribution to this house though. I will be looking after my daughter 50% of the time and already contribute to school fees, pay for her other hobbies so I think that's more than fair. When we've had some time apart we will then need to decide what we do financially. Im going to see a solicitor next week just to see where I stand
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/24/15 02:06 PM
Originally Posted By: Toots
Hi SRD
Many people on the board do say not to move out. But if you can't afford to remain there and you want to separate, that may be what you need to do. I moved out, but my sitch was different in that we have no kids and H's S lived with us at weekends. At the time, I just went to stay with my parents for a bit, and then that became more permanent when H didn't end the A. Looking back, I wouldn't have wanted to disrupt SS anyway.
In terms of consequences, of course there are plenty of these if you S. There is the huge consequence of no longer being a family together in a home with your D. There are also financial consequences, social consequences (how will others react). There is also the consequence that the R with OM will take the 'strain' if you are not living together and providing practical and moral support.
So, whilst many aren't in favour of moving out, I would say do what you need to do in the circumstances. Do what is best for you and to give your D the best home life possible if you do separate. Sorry she had a tough day. Hope she's feeling all better now.
Toots :-)
Hey toots
Thanks for that. I have to accept that there is nothing I can do about me staying here. Your right about the consequences. Our roles are quite revered to the norm in that I am the one who looks after the home in general. Has been very much so whilst she was getting her business off the ground. So housework, cooking etc all done by me as I had more time to do it whilst working at home. My wife is a pretty messy sort of person. I suppose with me not here that will only get worse. And yes she spent a lot of time talking with me. We have still been best of friends up until the point of me finding out last week. Financially yes she will be worse off.
Many people on the board do say not to move out. But if you can't afford to remain there and you want to separate, that may be what you need to do. I moved out, but my sitch was different in that we have no kids and H's S lived with us at weekends. At the time, I just went to stay with my parents for a bit, and then that became more permanent when H didn't end the A. Looking back, I wouldn't have wanted to disrupt SS anyway.
In terms of consequences, of course there are plenty of these if you S. There is the huge consequence of no longer being a family together in a home with your D. There are also financial consequences, social consequences (how will others react). There is also the consequence that the R with OM will take the 'strain' if you are not living together and providing practical and moral support.
So, whilst many aren't in favour of moving out, I would say do what you need to do in the circumstances. Do what is best for you and to give your D the best home life possible if you do separate. Sorry she had a tough day. Hope she's feeling all better now.
Toots :-)
Hey toots
Thanks for that. I have to accept that there is nothing I can do about me staying here. Your right about the consequences. Our roles are quite revered to the norm in that I am the one who looks after the home in general. Has been very much so whilst she was getting her business off the ground. So housework, cooking etc all done by me as I had more time to do it whilst working at home. My wife is a pretty messy sort of person. I suppose with me not here that will only get worse. And yes she spent a lot of time talking with me. We have still been best of friends up until the point of me finding out last week. Financially yes she will be worse off.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/24/15 02:14 PM
Maybe our roles being reversed so much have helped in this break down. Does she just see my as the stay at home dad who does all the housework? (I do have a full time job as well) Im certainly not as ambitious as I was when we met. I took a back seat so she could concentrate on her business. Seeing me in slobs most days I understand doesn't really do it for her any more. I used to wear shirt and tie every day. Looked good.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/24/15 02:18 PM
Wife has thrown me a big 180 this morning. We've had all this sh1t with my mum for according to my wife years. I agree my mum has interfered and does show traits of narcissism. My wife months ago said she was done with my mum. Wouldn't ask her for anything stopped contacting her. Anytime we needed my mum to help with D it would come from me.
Anyway, this morning my wife says she has text my mum to ask if she can pick her up next week. I was like what!?
for months she has been slagging her off blaming all our marriage problems on her and now your texting her to ask for help? WTF!
I asked my mum and she said she was also surprised by this.
Anyway, this morning my wife says she has text my mum to ask if she can pick her up next week. I was like what!?
for months she has been slagging her off blaming all our marriage problems on her and now your texting her to ask for help? WTF!
I asked my mum and she said she was also surprised by this.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/24/15 02:25 PM
My wife was also questioning about what im doing this afternoon. She has gone out with our D all day. She was suspicious. she asked a few times. I just said I had no plans, needed to do some work on my bike. Why does she care? Presuming this is pointing back to me admitting my wrong doings and now she thinks im having an affair.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/24/15 05:37 PM
Wife and D8 just rang. I was friendly on the phone asking if they had a good time. Wife was a bit annoyed due to amount of money she has just had to spend. I kept the conversation upbeat we talked about want we're having for tea etc. Kept ot short and sweet and ended teh call.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/24/15 09:48 PM
Quote:
I get what your saying. as far as me moving out can you advise. Months ago before I knew wife had said she needed space . Temporary seperation is what we agreed. Last week just before I knew and when I found out again she was saying I had never given her any space.she has no idea what she is doing and can't think.Now knowing what I know am I still wise to move out? At the moment it's like a pressure cooker. My daughter almost found me on the couch this morning. I'm trying to be friendly and civil because of our daughter but I'm sure she knows something is wrong. Most people seem to say don't move out although I have seen the odd one who has. I have no leverage as if I say I'm staying then she will move and financially I can't manage.
If you can't manage financially to live there without her, then find a place you can afford. I see it as protecting yourself financially, and you won't be dependent on her. That is important. Another thing that is important is to remove yourself from being her chief cook and bottle washer..........and every thing else she is use to you doing. The WAW needs to be hit with reality hard & fast. As long as you rescue her or do every thing for her, it won't happen. She will continue just as she is and your M won't stand a chance.
Living apart can lead to couples working things out. Let me point out a couple of things. First of all, if she's in an A, her reasons behind a S and your reasons will probably be different. Sure she is not saying that to you, but she just wants you out in order to get on with her life. In the meantime, you think you are S for the purpose of giving her space and working on saving the M. Two entirely different camps.
My advice is to get far enough you can't be considered in the same neighborhood and you don't have to drive by her place to get to yours. This is to help you. Have NC except for necessary co-parenting. She says she wants space..........give her lots. Have zero expectations. If this has a chance, it will take her time to get through her mess and then make her way back to you. The best way of speeding it up is to stay out of her way. Build a life for you and your D8. You cannot stand in your door watching to see if she's coming yet, and checking your calendar to see why she's taking so long. Know what I mean? It doesn't work that way. What works is you turning loose.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/24/15 10:20 PM
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Originally Posted By: SRD
I'm currently in the kitchen making tea with music on just to make myself feel better for 5 mins. Wife just told me someone has pranged her car. I listened was friendly. Felt like saying why should I give a [censored]
And you shouldn't let other man take care of that. It's all about you right now.
And you "should" let other man take care of that.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/24/15 10:53 PM
Hi Sandi
As always your advice is honest and spot on. Tonight has been difficult. I'm Made tea for wife me and daughter who came home shortly after. Wife was really chatty and friendly. Talks by about the show they had just been to see. I was friendly and up beat back. Talked to my daughter about and when done put my daughter to bed. We then watched tv together and she continued chatting and being friendly even laughing together at one point. It's so hard to detach myself from that without being rude. I don't engage any more than I need to but she is having her cake and eat while I'm still here. As far as anything else I'm doing nothing. I haven't mentioned relationship since BD. No pursuing, not mentioned of OM, nothing at all.
I'm taking D ice skating tomorrow so that wil be fun. Wife can't skate and hates it
I'm looking at property a little further away. I think the only time it wil sink in for my wife is when I'm gone. Like you say she needs to sort out her mess and i need to move on with my own life
As always your advice is honest and spot on. Tonight has been difficult. I'm Made tea for wife me and daughter who came home shortly after. Wife was really chatty and friendly. Talks by about the show they had just been to see. I was friendly and up beat back. Talked to my daughter about and when done put my daughter to bed. We then watched tv together and she continued chatting and being friendly even laughing together at one point. It's so hard to detach myself from that without being rude. I don't engage any more than I need to but she is having her cake and eat while I'm still here. As far as anything else I'm doing nothing. I haven't mentioned relationship since BD. No pursuing, not mentioned of OM, nothing at all.
I'm taking D ice skating tomorrow so that wil be fun. Wife can't skate and hates it
I'm looking at property a little further away. I think the only time it wil sink in for my wife is when I'm gone. Like you say she needs to sort out her mess and i need to move on with my own life
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/24/15 10:56 PM
As far as seperation I'm not naive now to believe this has anything to do with giving her space. I know now that for waw in A it just means out of sight out of mind.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/25/15 08:14 AM
Wife has just gone to work. Popped her head in front room before she left. Asked me if I'm ok. I just said yes. Do I believe she has really gone to work...no. Can I do anything about it....no. Did I say a single word about it to her, will I say a single word about it to her......no . so hard to push it out of your mind. Hard to accept that the person you see for all intents and purposes is your wife but she isn't. That person left a long time ago.
Gal activities. Me and D8 are going skating this afternoon. Will be great.
Got to make a rainforest model with d8 this morning. That should be fun.
Breathe, one step at a time
Gal activities. Me and D8 are going skating this afternoon. Will be great.
Got to make a rainforest model with d8 this morning. That should be fun.
Breathe, one step at a time
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/25/15 08:15 AM
Also decided I'm not moving back to our old house. I'll stop the eviction or get new tenants. Sandi is right. It's too near holds too many memories and is too expensive. Will ring agent on Monday. Will I be telling the wife... No.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/25/15 12:58 PM
wife just come home in sh1t mood takin it out on me. Whe she is like this just confirms I want out.
off skating now whoohoo
off skating now whoohoo
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/25/15 05:22 PM
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
I am looking to stay in the same areas as I am now. I love where I live. Why should I give that up? and yes so im close to my daughter? It just so happened this house I looked at was about a mile away but im viewing another next week a bit further.
Well first of all, a mile away is not just around the corner, as you had said. And I am not saying not to be close to your D, but honestly, what can you do for her in a mile away that you couldn't do five miles away? The point I am trying to make is to be true with yourself. You told us in the beginning that your W said you had made her feel like a single parent. Just saying.........
There have been other LBH'S who would move into a house too close to the W's and then they would see too much. Kept them upset all the time. You don't need to be driving by her house every time you head to your place. If you are going to live apart, then at least make it far enough you don't have to drive by her place all the time. Do you see what I am trying to say? You don't have to move out of town, but neither should you live too close. If you are going to separate, then don't try to move into the back yard.
Hey Sandi
My wife said i made her feel like a sinbgle parent when she was already having an affair. Just another trick to deflect all the blame onto me. Im such a bad husband etc.
Ive been thinking about this today and yes ive made my mistakes but i a bloody good husaband and father. I took up most of the slack at home while she was setting her businsess up. I have done all the IT for their company for free obviously. I have been there the whole time for her to give help advice etc with her business. Bounce ideas off me. I dont drink (hardly ever) i dont smoke, i keep fit. Yes i let her down with regard to setting boundries wih my mum. I didnt know any better until it was too late. Some church stuff i didnt get involved in. Im not religious so thought it wasnt for me to do. Emotionally we became disconnected. I now see the wrong in that. She obviuosly thinks the grass greener. Well good luck because we all know the grass is rairly ever greener.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/25/15 05:26 PM
Had a great time today with D8 ice skating. We're getting better.....a little
decided we're both going to keep this up. I used to skate when i was a kid and have realised how much i enjoyed it.
Having to concentrate so hard keeps your mind from wandering elsewhere. Great GAL
Wife is out with one of her best friends. Going through a bad divorce. (arent they all) Wish i was a fly on the wall my ears are burning
decided we're both going to keep this up. I used to skate when i was a kid and have realised how much i enjoyed it.
Having to concentrate so hard keeps your mind from wandering elsewhere. Great GAL
Wife is out with one of her best friends. Going through a bad divorce. (arent they all) Wish i was a fly on the wall
my ears are burning
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/25/15 08:35 PM
Wife has come home in a super good mood. Asking about skating talking about her meal with her friend (yes she was with her) laughing etc. how the hell can I detach when she is so friendly. I can't just be rude and say nothing. My D is sat there. It's times like these I sit here and think what the hell are you doing. Look how great we get on.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 12:01 AM
I am going to borrow something Starsky has told LBH'S. When you have a WAW in an A, and when she comes home in a terriffic mood......that is usually a sign she has had a fix from her AP. If she is not in a great mood, that usually means things are not going well between the lovers or she has not had a fix in a while.
Why do you keep saying you can't detach when she is so friendly, or is sitting next to you having a nice evening, etc.? What does detaching mean to you?
Why do you keep saying you can't detach when she is so friendly, or is sitting next to you having a nice evening, etc.? What does detaching mean to you?
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 02:29 AM
Originally Posted By: SRD
wife just come home in sh1t mood takin it out on me. Whe she is like this just confirms I want out.
off skating now whoohoo
off skating now whoohoo
Does her mood really dictate what you want for your life? Not saying I haven't had this same thought, but think about what you're saying here. It speaks volumes for where your mental state is at right now. Detachment means you are not up and down with her mood swings. Think about yourself as being an emotional rock and work towards that.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 08:32 AM
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I am going to borrow something Starsky has told LBH'S. When you have a WAW in an A, and when she comes home in a terriffic mood......that is usually a sign she has had a fix from her AP. If she is not in a great mood, that usually means things are not going well between the lovers or she has not had a fix in a while.
Why do you keep saying you can't detach when she is so friendly, or is sitting next to you having a nice evening, etc.? What does detaching mean to you?
Why do you keep saying you can't detach when she is so friendly, or is sitting next to you having a nice evening, etc.? What does detaching mean to you?
Hey Sandi
Yeah makes perfect sense. She was out with her friend though as she dropped her off. Maybe a text. who knows. I shouldnt care.
In the morning she had been in "work" what ever that means then came home in a really bad mood. Talking down to me like she has for so long. When she is like that i just think I want out and remember why i have wanted out for a long time but never done it as always hoped things would improve.
I do know she musnt be seeing him like she was (outside work). Mysterious trips to London have not happened. Again why should I care.
I suppose detaching for me is being at the point where i dont care. Where my every waking moment is not consumed by this. For me it seems the only way that will happen is if im not near her at all. She see's me as her best friend. If im honest to myself I have to wonder why do i even want this person. I wouldnt have strayed myself if i was happy and i havent been happy for the last few years. this would blow up every few months and then dissapear but pushing us further apart. If I step back and be objective id have to question my motives for wanting to stay with this person. Male pride? no one likes to lose do they.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 08:49 AM
Hi SRD, yes I think examining your motives is really important. I have read some content on this forum about 'winning' back your spouse because you don't want to 'lose.' But when you have 'won' your prize, what happens then. I think it is important to dig quite deep here, and really think about how you want the rest of your life to be - overcome the element of wounded pride you feel (understandably.)
I hadn't realised you were from the UK SRD....until you posted 'bessie mates,' and I thought - ooh, he's British! There are quite a few Brits on the board - including me. Which part of the UK are you from?
I hadn't realised you were from the UK SRD....until you posted 'bessie mates,' and I thought - ooh, he's British! There are quite a few Brits on the board - including me. Which part of the UK are you from?
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 08:53 AM
Hey Uppercu
My mood is definatley all over the place. It has only been just ovr a week since i found out what has been going on. Before that i sent 6 months trying to rescue and already sunken ship.
Do i feel better than last week? yes. my appetite has come back a bit. Do i still think about this situation all the time im awake? Yes. Do i have moments of thinking rationally with clarity? Yes. I know i will over time move on. Thanks to all you guys for the support. It really does mean a lot to me. I dont know how i would cope if you werent around to listen to my sh!t. It is comforting to know that there are lots of others going through similar situations (sad as it is) and even more who have come out the other side. The sad thing is by by the time you've learnt the skills on here necessary to make your marriage work it is too late. You're already in trouble.
My mood is definatley all over the place. It has only been just ovr a week since i found out what has been going on. Before that i sent 6 months trying to rescue and already sunken ship.
Do i feel better than last week? yes. my appetite has come back a bit. Do i still think about this situation all the time im awake? Yes. Do i have moments of thinking rationally with clarity? Yes. I know i will over time move on. Thanks to all you guys for the support. It really does mean a lot to me. I dont know how i would cope if you werent around to listen to my sh!t. It is comforting to know that there are lots of others going through similar situations (sad as it is) and even more who have come out the other side. The sad thing is by by the time you've learnt the skills on here necessary to make your marriage work it is too late. You're already in trouble.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 09:46 AM
Plus point.
I cycled into work today which is always good.
A woman in the office was flirting with me. I know i know nothing in it but stroked my ego a little.
To be honest my sex drive has completly dissapeared since this all came out
I cycled into work today which is always good.
A woman in the office was flirting with me. I know i know nothing in it but stroked my ego a little.
To be honest my sex drive has completly dissapeared since this all came out
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 01:34 PM
Just seen my mum. She is still distant. We just dont have the relationship anymore. She bought me a coffee and was checking im ok. Saying to just look after myself. I couldnt bring myself to tell her whats going on apart from i need to move out. She pretty much guessed. She's been through it herself with my dad years ago. I didnt say anything. She gave me a hug and left me to it. Feel like im closer to my dad now which is very odd as I spent nearly 30 years with either no relationship or very strained one with him and he also lives 300 miles away so rarley see him.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 02:47 PM
Have you read the definition of detaching by Peanut? It is an eye opener for a lot of people.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 03:17 PM
Hey Sandi
I just read it. Very well put. It comes across almost zen like. Calm, free from making emotion based decisions. Definatley a plce i want to get to.
I just read it. Very well put. It comes across almost zen like. Calm, free from making emotion based decisions. Definatley a plce i want to get to.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 03:25 PM
Originally Posted By: Toots
Hi SRD, yes I think examining your motives is really important. I have read some content on this forum about 'winning' back your spouse because you don't want to 'lose.' But when you have 'won' your prize, what happens then. I think it is important to dig quite deep here, and really think about how you want the rest of your life to be - overcome the element of wounded pride you feel (understandably.)
I hadn't realised you were from the UK SRD....until you posted 'bessie mates,' and I thought - ooh, he's British! There are quite a few Brits on the board - including me. Which part of the UK are you from?
I hadn't realised you were from the UK SRD....until you posted 'bessie mates,' and I thought - ooh, he's British! There are quite a few Brits on the board - including me. Which part of the UK are you from?
Hey toots
Manchester area
Me and my northern slang
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 06:47 PM
Originally Posted By: Toots
Hi SRD, yes I think examining your motives is really important. I have read some content on this forum about 'winning' back your spouse because you don't want to 'lose.' But when you have 'won' your prize, what happens then. I think it is important to dig quite deep here, and really think about how you want the rest of your life to be - overcome the element of wounded pride you feel (understandably.)
I hadn't realised you were from the UK SRD....until you posted 'bessie mates,' and I thought - ooh, he's British! There are quite a few Brits on the board - including me. Which part of the UK are you from?
I hadn't realised you were from the UK SRD....until you posted 'bessie mates,' and I thought - ooh, he's British! There are quite a few Brits on the board - including me. Which part of the UK are you from?
A lot of times you have to look at what you are "winning". Sometimes you are winning someone who will betray you badly, put you in harms way and does not care about you at all.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 06:54 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
Plus point.
I cycled into work today which is always good.
A woman in the office was flirting with me. I know i know nothing in it but stroked my ego a little.
To be honest my sex drive has completly dissapeared since this all came out
I cycled into work today which is always good.
A woman in the office was flirting with me. I know i know nothing in it but stroked my ego a little.
To be honest my sex drive has completly dissapeared since this all came out
So being cheated on took your sex drive? It can do that. It's psychological.
I found that salsa dancing with a receptive and friendly lady brought back some man feelings I didn't know where down there...
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 10:04 PM
Another night of sat on couch with someone who looks like sounds like my wife but isn't my wife. A little chit chat but nothing else. I haven't said one word about R or OM since BD. In a mood where I'm sort of past caring. I'm sure this will change again. What I still feel really sh1t about is our d8. Again tonight she was talking about holidays . This is a control issue. There is nothing I can do about this situation. My wife as I know her checked out, we will be seperating (her request) and my daughter will have 2 homes. I will just be the best I can be as that is all I can control
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 10:56 PM
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Originally Posted By: SRD
Plus point.
I cycled into work today which is always good.
A woman in the office was flirting with me. I know i know nothing in it but stroked my ego a little.
To be honest my sex drive has completly dissapeared since this all came out
I cycled into work today which is always good.
A woman in the office was flirting with me. I know i know nothing in it but stroked my ego a little.
To be honest my sex drive has completly dissapeared since this all came out
So being cheated on took your sex drive? It can do that. It's psychological
I found that salsa dancing with a receptive and friendly lady brought back some man feelings I didn't know where down there...
I'm not worrying about it for now. Not like they're lining up
Theres always the magic pill if it continues
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/26/15 11:08 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Originally Posted By: SRD
Plus point.
I cycled into work today which is always good.
A woman in the office was flirting with me. I know i know nothing in it but stroked my ego a little.
To be honest my sex drive has completly dissapeared since this all came out
I cycled into work today which is always good.
A woman in the office was flirting with me. I know i know nothing in it but stroked my ego a little.
To be honest my sex drive has completly dissapeared since this all came out
So being cheated on took your sex drive? It can do that. It's psychological
I found that salsa dancing with a receptive and friendly lady brought back some man feelings I didn't know where down there...
I'm not worrying about it for now. Not like they're lining up
Theres always the magic pill if it continues
It's not good to allow that part of your psychology to become "knocked down". Doesn't matter if they are lining up or not, you don't want that to be trained to be your norm by your WAW.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/27/15 02:02 AM
SRD, what are you actually actively doing to detach and GAL?
It all sounds like you need a change of heart still. I mean I'm still not over it and circling around with my feelings, but deep down you need to know what the 'right' thing to do is.
I was an atheist for most of my life, but I actually started praying. I don't know if it's God who is answering or if it's just a great form of meditation...but I DO get answers. And I started to believe that if you let God/Jesus in you and your marriage, you will know what's the right thing to do eventually. It's called non selfish love. I'm still not there myself but the thoughts are helping me a lot to deal with the situation and to find more peace with myself.
Don't go with your bad rnotions, don't let them control you!
And by the way. Your W ISN'T your W anynore. What's in her head right now is real. It might change but it is what it is in this moment.
But you can speak for YOURSELF! Be strong and confident towards your W, but be it to yourself first. Everything starts with yourself!
It all sounds like you need a change of heart still. I mean I'm still not over it and circling around with my feelings, but deep down you need to know what the 'right' thing to do is.
I was an atheist for most of my life, but I actually started praying. I don't know if it's God who is answering or if it's just a great form of meditation...but I DO get answers. And I started to believe that if you let God/Jesus in you and your marriage, you will know what's the right thing to do eventually. It's called non selfish love. I'm still not there myself but the thoughts are helping me a lot to deal with the situation and to find more peace with myself.
Don't go with your bad rnotions, don't let them control you!
And by the way. Your W ISN'T your W anynore. What's in her head right now is real. It might change but it is what it is in this moment.
But you can speak for YOURSELF! Be strong and confident towards your W, but be it to yourself first. Everything starts with yourself!
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/27/15 08:49 AM
Hey complex
Im still struggling with the deaching and GAL mainly because we have D8 and she is the most important thing to us. So its impossible for me to being going out every night to gym etc as I do still have to take care of her. she doesnt know what is going on and i dont want het to until the time is right
I have though gone back to work at the office more days rather than staying at home. Started ice skating with my daughter , take my daughter horse riding.
I am being civil with my wife and friendly expecially when daughter is around and just trying to be as normal as possible but im no longer sat there chatting to her about what is going on in her life like we were. No more texts during the day unless she texts me relating to D. No more calling her during teh day
Right up to the point of BD we were still best friends. She wanted best of both worlds. My wife is only going to realise she has lost her best friend when i have gone. I will be freindly and civil for our daughters sake but thats it. Im still not sure in my mind that i actually want her back. I think at the moment a lot of it has to do with my ego. It will be tough going forward especially on my D but it is what it is. My wife thinks there is happiness over the rainbow somewhere. We all know in reality that isnt true. Her affair will not stop as they own a business together. Not easy to distance yourself from OM. As it stands she isnt prepared to give her business up. I must move on.
Im still struggling with the deaching and GAL mainly because we have D8 and she is the most important thing to us. So its impossible for me to being going out every night to gym etc as I do still have to take care of her. she doesnt know what is going on and i dont want het to until the time is right
I have though gone back to work at the office more days rather than staying at home. Started ice skating with my daughter , take my daughter horse riding.
I am being civil with my wife and friendly expecially when daughter is around and just trying to be as normal as possible but im no longer sat there chatting to her about what is going on in her life like we were. No more texts during the day unless she texts me relating to D. No more calling her during teh day
Right up to the point of BD we were still best friends. She wanted best of both worlds. My wife is only going to realise she has lost her best friend when i have gone. I will be freindly and civil for our daughters sake but thats it. Im still not sure in my mind that i actually want her back. I think at the moment a lot of it has to do with my ego. It will be tough going forward especially on my D but it is what it is. My wife thinks there is happiness over the rainbow somewhere. We all know in reality that isnt true. Her affair will not stop as they own a business together. Not easy to distance yourself from OM. As it stands she isnt prepared to give her business up. I must move on.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/27/15 08:52 AM
Im not a religious man but the weird thing is i have felt like going to church. They say people find religion when they have lost something and are most in need. After a death usually.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/27/15 03:07 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
Im not a religious man but the weird thing is i have felt like going to church. They say people find religion when they have lost something and are most in need. After a death usually.
Even if you are not into Christianity... Going into a good church will put positivity and hope into you. Just listen to the word and allow it to get in.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/27/15 03:35 PM
ooh
Low blow from the wife. Asking about taking our D8 away on holiday with her brother and his family in April. Without me of course.
I replied being friendly saying that would be fine.
Low blow from the wife. Asking about taking our D8 away on holiday with her brother and his family in April. Without me of course.
I replied being friendly saying that would be fine.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/27/15 06:52 PM
I'm looking at my wife again and trying to put my rational hat on. Do I really want to be with this person? Ok I've made my mistakes to but this person has sh1t all over me and our family for months whilst blaming me. For about 3 years before that she has at times treated me like a door matt. My confidence hit and all time low. Time apart will do me good as well. I'll be able to reflect and make some informed decisions without all the noise going on around me. I'm already planning on getting back into some hobbies I haven't done for years. Painting and might look at joining a gym again up the ice skating and increase the cycling. That's as well as all the cool stuff I already do with my daughter.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/27/15 10:20 PM
No dramas tonight. Got my daughter ready for bed. Read her a few chapters. Had tea in front of telly with wife. I feel much better in the evening. Calm. Not worrying. Mornings I feel sh1t till well into the afternoon.
At the minute it's like we've both accepted what is going to happen. We are going to split up. I feel guilty because I am just as much to blame for this as well. I don't accept responsibility for her affair but I have also made mistakes. The biggest mistake though is that although we knew we had problems years ago neither of us really did anything to resolve them. Hindsight is a bitch. We will part and move on. If life brings us back together so be it. If not then I know I will be a better person going forward. We are bound together by our daughter and what ever happens I will keep that at the forefront of my mind.
At the minute it's like we've both accepted what is going to happen. We are going to split up. I feel guilty because I am just as much to blame for this as well. I don't accept responsibility for her affair but I have also made mistakes. The biggest mistake though is that although we knew we had problems years ago neither of us really did anything to resolve them. Hindsight is a bitch. We will part and move on. If life brings us back together so be it. If not then I know I will be a better person going forward. We are bound together by our daughter and what ever happens I will keep that at the forefront of my mind.
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/28/15 07:48 PM
been quiet all day. I've not communicated with her at all. She has just tried to ring which I missed and then text asking what we're doing for tea. Civil snd friendly back that Me and D8 have eaten. There is some pasta sauce left.
Went and saw a nice house today. 3 miles away on edge of countryside. A possible. Seeing another tomorrow then I'll decide
Went and saw a nice house today. 3 miles away on edge of countryside. A possible. Seeing another tomorrow then I'll decide
Re: WAW Affair admitted - 01/28/15 08:39 PM
Wife just rang me again for no real reason other than to ask about tea and chit chat which I had previously answered. I was friendly and to the point but made no attempt to continue the conversation