1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 7

It's about that time..

Sorry, mdu, I may have been typing when you created your new thread. I'll pull this over from there:

Just chiming in with my .02:

mdu, maybe it would be easiest to pull back for a second and think of it like this: you're still supposed to be in re-attraction mode. You're not necessarily in the stage of your M/S where you guys are actively and deliberately committed to "working on things," right? Or did I miss something?

Too much "heavy" stuff too soon, like the guys said, is not a good move.

You'll have many opportunities to work on those heavy issues once H is fully re-committed.

In the meantime, ask yourself if your goal is to try to foster more communication with H because that's something your relationship was missing and he received from OW *or* if you're trying to ask questions (under the guise of fostering more communication) but you're really fishing for information/answers/assurances and/or nudging H.

If you're trying to open the door for more communication, definitely start out with MUCH lighter talks than R or OW talks. You want your conversations to attract H back to the M, not make him feel awkward or cornered. Any mention of the A - whether the WAS admits it or not - brings up a lot of shame and guilt in them. And I think it's way too early for you to put a mirror (or microscope) in front of H at this stage; he's probably doing enough of that himself.

"You'll have many opportunities to work on those heavy issues once H is fully re-committed."

See if you were to ask H if he were fully recommitted, he would say yes. We have had this conversation. However, he has not moved home yet. Which to me means his actions don't yet match his words. The reason why I am hung up on him moving home -- and that to me really signals he is fully in the game -- is he knows I will not let him move back home until he agrees to my transparency plan (hands over passwords, etc). He has not done that yet because he has not yet moved home.

So I kind of don't know where we are...in his mind I will guarantee you he thinks he is fully recommitted. To me, not really because he's not home. I think our differing views likely cause some of the conflicting behaviors on my part. One day I'm in full reattraction mode, the next I'm like 'Ok, so you think we're working on things...let's work!'

On a positive note, mdu, instead of asking him about him and OW, you turned it into a positive by asking about the two of you and treating OW as a nothing (which she is). Congrats on thinking that through before asking the question.

Thx Barrybran! Always love some kudos & really respect ur (as well as everyone elses) observations!

MDU,

Let me do a shout out to Starsky first...I am sorry to hear of your news about GD. What a tough thing to do and go through. (((HUGS)))

Originally Posted By: mdu

However, he has not moved home yet. Which to me means his actions don't yet match his words. The reason why I am hung up on him moving home -- and that to me really signals he is fully in the game -- is he knows I will not let him move back home until he agrees to my transparency plan (hands over passwords, etc). He has not done that yet because he has not yet moved home.

With this stance, you're not keeping the road home paved smooth. From my perch, it is littered with nails and how can you expect H to come back home with those nails littered all over the road?

Do you want to continue holding this over his head before he moves home??! Is that how you want to re-attract H to coming home?

H has given you all indications that he's really wanting to work on the M. Problem is that many DBers are miles ahead in the relationship front and need to exercise patience by acting as the WAS' mentor. Are you up for it, MDU?

The XOW is no more. She's gone back into the shadows where she came from and is staying there permanently thanks to H's efforts. That, to me, deserves some kudos from you on his part.

I'd want to re-think your hard-line stance if I were you.

I was especially happy to read in your other thread that decided to STFU and not manipulate H into coming back home. Good job!!!

And the hot tub...wowza! Some really hot stuff right there, baby!!

" The reason why I am hung up on him moving home -- and that to me really signals he is fully in the game -- is he knows I will not let him move back home until he agrees to my transparency plan"

He told you this?

He has not moved back home yet. He knows that I want him to commit to full transparency before I will let him back in the house. He says that the transparency plan is not making him hesitate in moving back home, that he's anxious to move back home because he's afraid we will immediately get back into old bad patterns and everything will blow up. He wants to go to MCing, at least a few times, before moving back home. I feel like either you commit or you don't. MCing will take months to make things better, why wait that long. Either you're committed or your not.

FWIW, full transparency for us primarily means giving me passwords to all his electronic accounts. I keep thinking he could go ahead and do that now, even before he moves home, but he seems to think that it's pointless since I won't really have access to his primary electronic tool --- his phone --- unless he lives here.

Hope that helps clarify

"He says that the transparency plan is not making him hesitate in moving back home, that he's anxious to move back home because he's afraid we will immediately get back into old bad patterns and everything will blow up."

So why to you keep insisting that it's the transparency plan that is preventing him from coming back. TBH, the majority of WASs have the same fear as your H.

If you keep saying it's one thing when he tells you something else, you're just mind reading.

Shouldn't I be cautious? I mean yes he is done with OW...for the moment...fact is she is 15 feet away from him every other day. Easily things could kick up again. Shouldn't we have controls (for lack of a better word) in place to ensure he stays n the straight and narrow?? I gotta imagine it must be tempting. It's not like he dumped her bc he was not into her anymore. He dumped her because he was caught and felt the threat of losing his family. He's still attracted to her, he told me as much.

you can never be 100% sure of anything....ever

so...

let go of the idea that you can and that with a transparency plan or whatever in place that he will remain on the straight and narrow

he could get a 2nd cell phone
screw her in the bathroom
whatever

you have to come to a place where you are OK with the fact that you can never be sure of anything from anyone

Originally Posted By: figgeroni

you have to come to a place where you are OK with the fact that you can never be sure of anything from anyone

Fig, this is an excellent point. I needed to read this tonight.

It's easy to get bogged down with the hurt and anger. It's not easy to start trusting again. At some point you have to shift your focus to the positive actions you see from your spouse. If every day, or even most days, are focused on the past you'll never move forward.

He is worried that he'll come back but things won't have changed. Given that, it's probably most productive for you to work on that for both of you than to keep trying to control when he moves back .... Wrk on the cause not the symptom.

^^^ Agreed.

Thx everyone.

Dang this is hard.

Rough morning. Have to go to an appointment this afternoon for my Dad to discuss his mental state. We recently put him in a home because he is severely mentally and physically disabled due to Parkinon's disease and dementia. He is not doing well, especially mentally, and we will likely have to put him in the psychiatric unit at our local hospital for a while. It's a mess.

So sorry to hear, mdu. It must be very tough to see your dad in that state of mind.

(((Hugs)))

I'm so sorry, mdu. We are going thru this right now with my father-in-law (stroke-induced dementia, rapidly getting worse). He and MIL live with us, and it's a daily challenge that only seems to be getting harder.

(((((hugs)))))

Starsky

Thx Train & Starsky. The admission to psychiatric unit is scary but we're praying it makes a difference. He attacked and pinned down another resident with his walker (We're so lucky no one got hurt)! WTH, who is this man??? He used to be the most docile person ever, never once raised his voice to me in his life. Parkinson's is cruel, dementia is utter he11

"Shouldn't I be cautious?"

Of course you should be cautious. HOWEVER, you are injecting your own insecurities into what you keep saying you "know" he is thinking.

You haven't stopped that habit. That is a big thing that you haven't changed and from your H's POV, will have you reverting back to the way you before.

(((MDU)))

Wow...that's a lot on your plate with your H and your Dad being unstable. Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing at times.

Chin up...we're right behind you right here.

mdu,

My grandmother got kicked out of a nursing home once for knocking the crap out of another resident even though my grandma was in a wheelchair. But she didn't have a legitimate medical reason; she was just mean as a snake!

Seriously, though, I'm sure it's really, really tough to watch something as giant as a dad wilt away and act completely differently than we remember them being all our lives. H's grandpa died of Alzheimer's not too long ago; it was especially difficult on his daughter (my MIL).

Sending positive vibes your way.

And switching gears: fwiw, I must agree with Bond.

I *still* wonder if there are things about your H that you think or assume you know - even based on how he's learned to behave or what he says when you ask or put him on the spot about it - but you don't really *know*. You've historically tended to dig your heels in on that issue and *know* you're right. And maybe you are!!! Or maybe you're not. And I wonder if that heel-digging and insistence that you *know* you're right could be one of the issues in your M?? IMO, it's at least worth some exploration in YOU.

In fact, I was going to ask you earlier (before your post about your dad) if you would consider listing for us here the permanent changes you've made in yourself since H has been gone - the changes that will help ensure you're not back here after H moves back home.

How 'bout it?

Probably the biggest change I've made is stopping the blame game with H. And if I do get into it, I very sincerely apologize which I rarely did before. I have also cut way back on the sarcasm & criticism. Again, I can't claim perfection at this point & when I screw up I try to apologize quickly & sincerely. I've also taken a greater interest in sec which had really stalled for us, but was really good early in our relationship.

"Probably the biggest change I've made is stopping the blame game with H."

It's still there. You blame him for having an A and much of your resentment and negative thinking continues to grow from it. It is much smaller than it was, but it's still there. Just be aware of that because it's easy to fall back to what you feel seems natural.

You also seem to blame him for not moving back and going fully transparent.

Yes u both r 100% correct. I am honestly not sure how to get past blaming him for the A. And also the separation. I hate being separated & I definitely blame him for continuing it. Heck I never really wanted to separate in the first place. How do I get past this? All I can think is to keep reminding myself of how I hurt him. But nothing justifies an A. So my mind goes round & round. Any strategies or tips, please share

P.s. D4 bday is coming up in 2 weeks & our anniversary is the day after. I know no time lines but must confess, I think these milestones are getting me in a bit of a tizzy. I feel the blame & resentment bubbling up for sure.

Your premise is incorrect, you say that nothing justifies an A, but he clearly felt some things in the M weren't working and he acted out. He made a mistake, a bad one. But you don't seem to be willing to really see things from his perspective. Regardless, you can choose at this point, as 25 says, to be right or to be kind. It's a choice and it's time to make one. It's time for love not blame, IMO. Wouldn't you want him to forgive you if you had messed up as badly? If so, do the same for him. It's such a blessing and opportunity for growth.

Thx unbidden. Well said. I truly could not get through this without u & every single other poster who takes time to follow my story & provide much needed perspective

All of that up there is what you really, really should be working on right now, mdu.

As you know, this process is as much - if not MORE - about changes we need to make in ourselves as it is changes we need to see in our WASs.

Until those genuine changes are made in ourselves, our Ms won't change.

If you could switch the focus from H moving home to working on the issues in YOU that led to the breakdown of the M in the first place, it would be a big step in the right direction of really affair-proofing your M in the future. You may also, then, start viewing this time of S as more of a blessing than a curse. (More on that in a second ...)

I'm *still* trying not to play the blame game, mdu. I'm trying to learn a different way to communicate with H - a way that works for both of us. And I still fail at that from time to time because sometimes I start feeling overwhelmed and that there are only two possibilities: I start talking about one issue and then it builds until I start raining down a shi!tstorm of old grievances ... or I just keep my mouth shut and let things fester and build in me. I throw all that "validating," "boundary-setting" stuff slap out the window in the heat of a moment. And that's shameful because *I* am the one, of the two of us, with the PhD in relationships and communication (thanks to being here and reading a gazillion other books and articles on the subject when H was gone). It's proven to be extremely difficult to navigate through my hurt feelings and pain while also not blaming H for me having those feelings in the first place.

I tell you all that just because I feel like my experience is probably typical in the piecing process. You'll likely be getting there soon. And if I could rewind time - and if H and I could have afforded to continue maintaining two households at once without H having to work around-the-clock to do it - I would have *preferred* a continued S while we worked on things.

I think you could possibly twist your anxiety and fears around in your mind and instead of looking at your S as such an awful thing, maybe you could see it as a blessing in disguise. If you can't go *that* far, then maybe try to see it as the opportunity it is. You and H have an opportunity to DATE (hubba hubba) and to really solidify your re-attraction to one another and your love. You can practice new communication skills while not having to be in each other's space and face all the time. You can talk about more fun, light things than bills and household maintenance and such all the time. While those things still *matter*, they're not hanging over BOTH your heads, and in your faces all the time, like they are when you're living together.

I have no advice on how to stop the blame game. I may be in a minority here, but I don't think forgiveness is as simple as waking up one day and saying, "Well, I think I'll forgive him today." All the feelings associated with the transgression don't magically disappear when you decide to forgive and stop blaming. I think it starts with a decision, which is followed by a process. A very winding, bumpy process.

I don't know that any of that helps, mdu. But I hope it gives you at least a different perspective.

"How do I get past this?"

By starting to do it a little at a time. It's not an all or nothing skill. You have to practice at it.

Thanks Train, it helps a lot!

Your post too, MrBond. Wise.

I am clearly still hung up on expectations too. I'm sure that H and I spending the night together for his work event (getting my expectations up), has now sent me on a bit of a downward spiral because he's still not where *I* want him to be. Sometimes I do wonder if we should completely step away from each other for a while. The fact that he is still not fully committed really hurts me every time we hang out together. I wonder if I should step away until he can get 100% there, and protect my heart a bit. It seriously hurts.

I personally think it's more important that you stay right where you are, as far as your interactions with H.

Start looking at the glass half-full instead of half-empty. You would have given a right arm two months ago to be where you are and have H this close. Why would you push him away now? Don't you see how that would be punishing H for *progress*??

Stick to the course you chose. Work on you and your issues when there's a "downtime" in the relationship. Bake him something, for goodness' sake! If you stop doing what you've been doing that has re-attracted H to you, he's going to realize it was all just a ploy ... and the fact is: it all WOULD have been.

We haven't encouraged you to be fun and flirty *only* to catch H's eye and attention. The idea is to also help YOU feel better about YOU. More self-assured. Confident. Beautiful.

Do not stop working on you, mdu. Pull yourself out of your doubtful, fear-heavy place. Don't wait on H to make you feel better or give you assurances; YOU do something that makes you feel better. Today. It's amazing what a walk will do for your spirits. Or how about a new outfit?

Train, how would I, or more specifically my marriage, survive without u? Xoxo

Go the new dress, I got one.

Hot 50's style, Heels it will be awesome to wear.

Unfortunately I have a not so good update.

Time with H has really been doing a number on me. As I�ve posted, it gets my expectations up and then I start getting frustrated when H is not where I am. I end up lashing out at H, not nearly as badly as I used to but I still get enough zingers in here and there that it has an adverse affect. It�s what I do when I�m afraid or hurt. I quickly realize the error of my ways and apologize but then I end up beating myself up for screwing up AGAIN. It�s a vicious cycle that is really beating me down and I have been unsuccessful thus far at consistently breaking the pattern. I spoke at length with my IC yesterday about this whole dynamic and she felt strongly that I really need to start taking care of myself and I should back away from H for a bit.

So, I�m going dark for a while and focusing on me. Although I suppose it�s not dark in the traditional sense because IC suggested I be totally transparent with H about what I am doing, basically just be really honest and tell him that I need a break to take care of myself for a while. It�s really not a tactic to change things up or spark his interest; it really is to get myself emotionally stronger again.

The good news is I think this strategy aligns with what you all are recommending --- get the focus back on ME. The bad news is, I�m just not in a place where I can do that very well with H in the mix. Yes, it may ultimately push H away during this fragile pre-piecing time. But the fact is I don�t have a snowballs chance in he11 to get through piecing if I can�t figure out how to get my emotional strength up when I�m down like this.

Fortunately the timing is good. H is traveling next week so it will be quite easy to have no contact.
I hate posting this. I feel like a failure. It�s just all too painful for me and when I am in pain I tend to behave badly. D4�s bday is coming up and so is our anniversary. That�s really throwing me too. D�s birth was so special for us. Our anniversary is going to be brutal. My IC actually strongly recommended that I do NOT spend time with H on our anniversary; she thought it was too high risk for me to lose it and then regret and beat myself up. It�s a little less than 2 weeks away. I figure I don�t need to decide right this minute.

So, back to GAL, here�s what I have planned. As hard as it is when I�m down it truly is the #1 thing that gets me emotionally back on track:
*today � work, meetings in the morning, planning to do some reading up on industry trends in the afternoon. Clean up email! Get back to house items --- call for lawn care estimates
*tonight � I�ll have the kids, plan D4�s bday party, send invites.
*tomorrow � work during the day, kid free tomorrow night. Go running!
*Saturday � kids soccer in the am (this one might be tough, H will be there), meeting a friend for a hike and dinner out in the afternoon/evening
*Sunday � visit Dad in the am, kids home in the afternoon.

Quote:

Unfortunately I have a not so good update.

After reading your post, I think your update is very positive.

Quote:

The good news is I think this strategy aligns with what you all are recommending --- get the focus back on ME.

Yep, you have to learn to deal with the anxiety.

You are starting all over, easing into a relationship.

It isn't going to be all in or all out yet, and you have to learn to align your expectations to that reality.

The fact that you recognize you have a problem with this, and are taking the appropriate steps to figure out how you should deal with it before it creates a disaster, is wonderful.

Proactive, starting with a focus on you. Sounds good, mdu.

MDU,

I had a pretty good response back on Friday and it all got chopped up by the IT Stooges. Just wanted to let you know that I've caught up on your thread after being away last week and was surprised at the many changes in your sitch.

A bit brain dead at the moment...will get back to you as I rev up a bit more.

Thx Wonka. I did have a chance to read it before it went poof! Right now things with H are taking a bit of a back seat. My Dad was admitted to the pysch ward this weekend --- severe dementia is making him violent, a bit of a menace to society! Oy. Dealing with all that right now so I may be away from the boards for a bit. Just not my focus at the moment..

Yeah, it is good idea to take care of your Dad at the moment. Sending you positive vibes!!! (((MDU)))

Not much new to report. My Dad is settling into the psychiatric unit ok, or I guess as well as can be expected. He will likely be there quite a while. Good golly, is this really happening?

Anyway, H has been traveling this week. We text chat every day. We have an appointment with a MC on Oct 9. I'd say things are basically holding steady with us right now.

Had a great appointment with my IC the other day. Talked about how I've had symptoms of mild depression for really a couple of years. She thinks it's very situation. As you can probably tell from my posts I tend to get overwhelmed easily. After kid #2, working full time and then upgrading to a big house (which I love but is a ton of work), I really started getting overwhelmed with daily life. When I'm overwhelmed I tend to shut down and basically do nothing. So, my mission now is to take charge and get organized. There's a lot of clutter and such around the house that brings me down. I'm taking it day by day and tackling the chaos. IC thinks if I can get things a bit more in order at home it will help improve my mood a great deal. Just from a bit of organizing today I can feel a definite mood boost (cleaned out my spice rack --- threw out nearly all of it, years expired!).

So that's the lastest from me. Hope everyone is well..

Hey MDU,

Glad to see you here again! It's encouraging to see that you're getting Dad settled in and get stuff squared away at the facility. Not easy at all.

As for feeling overwhelmed, I can see why it can happen at times. Remember to tackle chores/tasks/rooms in small bites. Before you know it, that stuff will be gone or reduced. I've been amazed at how I accomplish things when I set aside, say, 2 hours on a particular space.

Then I treat myself with some awesome ice cream as my personal reward!

Visited Dad today. He was literally so drugged up he was practically catatonic. Sux. I stayed for nearly 2 hours and he barely opened his eyes the whole time. I was able to feed him though, he always eats, lol!

Leaving the hospital I started to get annoyed with H. I felt like on top of everything he has abandoned me during this horrible time with my Dad. I came home grumpy. H had the kids and took them longer than I expected which made me grumpier. I really wanted to unleash on him when he finally got to the house. But I am happy to say I didn't. H could tell I was upset. He hung around for a bit and played with the kids while I gathered myself. He eventually asked me about my Dad and we chatted about things a bit. He continued to hang around for a while, it was kind of like a 'normal' Saturday afternoon. When he left he gave me a long hug.

I'm so glad I held back and did not go off on him. He is trying. Yes, in a lot of ways he abandoned me, certainly during the A, and in some ways I feel it even now while we're separated. But obviously I'm just going to push him away if I keep attacking him.

I'm coming to realize that for some reason I have this horrible habit of blaming everything on H. I mean it's certainly not his fault that Dad is so ill. And he's doing the best he can to support me given the circumstance. Why do I need to make myself feel even WORSE by ruminating about H and how much the A and separation suck??

I'm so glad I pulled myself together this time and did not let things spiral. One thing that definitely helped is my mission to get the house organized. Basically I'm following a plan I found in a book where you tackle various neglected chores around the house each day. So I laid down, cried and ruminated a bit and then, since I'm so obsessed with all these chores to organize the house, I got up and started organizing the pantry. It really got my mind off of things and got me mentally into such a better space. Gosh I love these simple tricks to get that PMA going!

Phew, this post ended up being longer than I expected. I always want to document when I have a little success so I can refer back and see what works!

Good for you, MDU, that was enormous growth you showed! And thank you for that timely post...

Sending warm thoughts for you and your dad.

So I just found out today that H still has feelings for OW. I guess I had hoped that her moving closer had the opposite effect, that it would have killed the fantasy. But apparently not. He refuses to change jobs.

What now?

I know that's realistically a rhetorical question because I need to answer for myself what my 'bottom line' is. I think this is it for me. I don't see how I can ever feel comfortable with him working with her. It would be one thing if it had blown up his feelings but since that's not the case, I think I'm done. I'm still hesitating to file, though. Because I know H won't back down. I have to be really, really prepared for this being it. While we have made some progress reconnecting (again), things have definitely changed since OW moved to his office. He does not see it as an issue. I guess he's entitled to his opinion.

I am sick to my stomach.

Any observations, words of wisdom and/or encouragement much appreciated. I just don't think H is truly willing to do the work to fix things (despite him telling me many, many times he is, whenever it comes down to brass tacks he just won't. Honestly, this is how H is. I've always had this nagging sense that he's not as committed to our M as he ought to be).

I think I could use some prayers. Thanks.

Originally Posted By: mdu

So I just found out today that H still has feelings for OW.

From him? A third party? How did this come about?

Are you tying "refusing to change jobs" to "feelings for OW"?
What happened to you backing off to take care of yourself?

I can see your separation dates in your signature, but I can't remember when your H split from OW? But your whole separation has been only four months, and even in that four months the two of you have been back and forth, warmer/cooler. And I can't remember how long that relationship lasted, either. but if it was longer than a few weeks he's going to have lingering feelings for her. It's unpleasant but it's true. What matters really is what he does with those lingering feelings. For better or worse, she's a part of his story too, and he's not going to process it the way we all wish he would. He's going to process it in the way that feels true for him. The question for you is, can you stand it?

You've boomeranged to "I need to be ready to file" as many times as I have. What prompted this one?

You DON'T have to be ready to be done. You can just live your life and see how it unfolds. Continue stepping back to take care of yourself. Let him do his thing. Be curious. Watch without expectations.

You seem to have the same difficulty with being still in the moment that I have. Continue stepping back and taking care of yourself. It really helps.

Being still is definitely one of my huge flaws too.

Thx for your perspective Maybell. I agree that we have very similar challenges. I have decided that I don't want to do anything until we see marriage counselor.

there is beauty is sitting still

it is exceptionally difficult for me to do because I always feel like I need to be moving TOWARD something...

however

nothing NEEDS to be decided right now

It took a long time for your marriage to get to the place it is at...it will take a long time to get it to a better place

please do not count every hill as a place to stop and decide to divorce or not...
sometimes you need to remember to breathe.

it is a lot like organizing your house
you wouldn't burn it down and move because the closet is a disaster, right? You need to take the time to find all the spots in your marriage that were neglected and cluttered...and then you have to work on cleaning them

that is what GAL is all about...you might not be done cleaning in a day or a month or 4 months...sometimes we shove a lot of stuff in our closets....

Originally Posted By: Barrybran

Originally Posted By: mdu

So I just found out today that H still has feelings for OW.

From him? A third party? How did this come about?

Starsky, he told me. We were discussing OW being in the office and I asked him about how he is feeling towards her at this point.

And what did he say, exactly?

He said that feelings have declined but he still has some. I said don't u think that interferes with our ability to reconcile. He insists no.

I also told him it really concerns me with with him continuing to work there with these ongoing feelings. He said he is sorry i feel concerned but he will not change jobs

Mdu, I understand where you're coming from about H's feelings towards OW. As mentioned several threads ago, you have a circle around you and you alone set the criteria for entrance into your circle. You're not comfortable with your husband having feelings towards OW while trying to reconcile your marriage and I respect that.

I have to congratulate your husband on sharing this information with you though. He could have, and previously would have, kept this to himself. Instead, he chose to answer the question honestly and did so knowing that you wouldn't like the answer but that transparency was important to you. Sure, it wasn't voluntary and you had to ask but from what you've described of your husband since day 1, about needing gentle prodding, this feels like progress to me.

How did you respond to this information in front of him? Did you keep yourself together or go off at him? As Maybell alluded to, your situation is still relatively young and you have responded amazingly well to the curveballs that have been thrown your way. I understand the need to reinforce your circle in light of this information. Suggesting that you may be done however may be premature. Have faith in your husband and yourself.

MDU,

Please try to remember that those feelings for the XOW are not going go away overnight. It will slowly peter off over several weeks/months. I remember when I broke off with an ex-GF two years ago, it took some time for me to get over her and move into the strictly friends zone.

You must see that H is opening up more and more to you. You would want that to continue for it is the opening of the window to you as his martial partner. That is a very positive and encouraging sign. Over time, the feelings for the XOW will fade away into nothingness.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

Trust the process and be real gentle with H. You have a lot going for you. Keep it up.

Wonka, I hear you but H broke it off with OW SEVEN months ago. And while I get that her being in the office likely kicked a lot back up again so it's not really seven months I'm frankly just getting sick of the whole thing.

And no, I did NOT react well to H saying he still has feelings for OW. Honestly, I feel like I'm expected to be inhuman. Between this and what's happening with my Dad it's all too much.

Having said all that, I am still hanging in there and H appears to be too. Although once again he has pulled back because of my 'bad' behavior. I'll admit, I'm rolling my eyes a bit. It seems he can do whatever he wants and I need to find compassion, accept and forgive but yet he can't find it in himself to extend the same to me. It's not just the A I have working to forgive him for btw, it's so much more. He has abandoned me more times than I can count at this point, especially now with my father so ill.

Yesterday was actually our anniversary. And despite my obvious bitterness in this post I was able to put it aside for a few hours. We had a nice lunch together, chatting and generally seemed to enjoy each others company. We also started marriage counseling. That's a whole nother post! I think we're giving it our best shot but I'm still very uncertain where we will land. There's obviously a lot to get through.

Mdu, not to compare our situations as my W is not 100% 'in', but I thought of your situation after my MC session earlier this week. My W does not want to give up the group of friends she's become close with this past year during our S. My problem is- OM is a part of that group of friends. MC flipped the switch on me by recommending that I attend outings with the group of friends along with W to show solidarity in our M, as opposed to no contact. W seemed open to it, but I'm not sure how I feel about that just yet.

My point is- I can somewhat understand how you feel with your H still in contact with OW. Sounds like you're feeling defeated by H's recent admission that the feelings for OW are still there, but as Wonka pointed out, I think it will take some time for those feelings to dwindle.

I'll continue to follow your story and wish you the best. As an outsider, I truly think that you and H and progressing nicely, despite your recent discovery.

Thanks for your input Tarheel! I especially appreciate your positive words.

Interestingly, I discovered during MC that H has a buttload of anger towards me. It worries me but in some ways I see it as encouraging, anger is certainly more positive than indifference.

Having an interesting day/evening in terms of interactions with H. As I mentioned, yesterday was our anniversary and we had a nice lunch together. We also ML. Later in the afternoon we went to MC. We both seemed to think it was good, although certainly it stirred up some stuff.

Today I sent H a flirtatious text. He didn't reply for a long time, then sort of a lame text. I replied and basically said "hey, it's ok if you're not feeling it right now, we can't always be in the same place at the same time". He replied "thank you" and that was it. I asked him about his day and said it was "ok". I said "I hope it gets better." To night he texted me and said "it did not get better". I replied and said "I'm sorry, what happened?". He said "Just a bad day." Now I know I'm minding reading but he talks to me about work all the time so if it was not work related I can't help but feel it's about us.

Interestingly, while my stomach aches to think that he's perhaps (again!) struggling with his feelings for me, I don't at all feel desperate or like doing all the pursuing/temp checking type behaviors that go along with the fear of losing him. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to being really ok if this ends.

MDU, I can relate with the whole why does one person have to be the 100% in, forgive at all costs, be the "grown-up" while the other spouse get to be happy and seemingly care free. It [censored].
Don't give up hope yet.

Yeah, I get the one person needs to be forgiving and one gets to just do what ever.

I was constantly struggling with h, telling a grown man how to behave just shouldn't be part of a marriage. They should know hitting is wrong, an a is wrong and hurtful.

So H has definitely pulled completely away since the MC appointment. We exchanged a few texts and its clear he's struggling if he even wants to try anymore. Here we go again. We have D's 5th b-day party at the house on Sunday. I wish I didn't even have to see him.

Fortunately I'll be busy all weekend getting ready for D's party. Tonight I'm going out with a friend who is an amazing support and always makes me feel rejuvenated after spending time together.

Hey MDU,

Pulling for you. Hope you can stay calm and focused and have a great night with your friend tonight! All the best

Dev

Thx, Dev. I'm hanging in there. Haven't called or texted H all day. Planning on keeping my distance and waiting for him to reach out to me (if he does, we'll see). I told him multiple times that if needs to talk I'm here to listen, even if it's something that might be painful for me to hear. He hasn't reached out. I just learned today that my Dad will likely have to have electroshock therapy. My mind and emotions are reeling. I find it very sad that even with what's happening with my Dad, my H can't seem to find compassion and understanding for some of my strong emotions and be there for me. I haven't even bothered to tell H about this latest blow with my Dad, it will just hurt me more when he's not there for me yet again.

mdu, hang in there. Prayers and hugs from me.

MDU,

A couple of things to keep in mind.

Sometimes discussing things at MC sessions does dredge up some bad memories which produces negative reactions/thoughts. I think the main thing is for you two to be able to open up to each other without attacking the other person. I do sincerely hope that the MC is solution-oriented and not allow the sessions devolve into rehashing of past issues.

Yep. I can see how and why H would have a long scorecard. That is why many WASes walk away because they're holding on waaaay too much resentment and anger about the M. Life is tough. It will take time for H to lose his vice grip on his scorecard. Time and patience.

Now on to your Dad. I am concerned about the electroshock therapy. Are you okay with this? If not, then I'd speak up against it and take steps to get power of attorney & health care proxy over your Dad's health care. That is something for you to think about.

I am personally against electroshock therapy for various reasons. It is just me.

Hope you have fun with your friends and D5's birthday party!

Perhaps ask H to spray silly string at the party...that will make him crack a smile and...gasp...even laugh!

Wonka, as always, thx for your input. Regarding Dad, my sister is a nurse and has POA & health care proxy. We're actively discussing options, I assure you we will make an informed choice and advocate strongly for whatever we decide, no worries there!

Regarding the MC, yes he is solution oriented and short term. We did a good bit of research when selecting him. I wanted to be sure we're giving this our best shot. Actually, he employs a couples counseling approach called emotionally focused therapy (EFT). I had never heard of it but am reading a lot and finding it quite fascinating. It actually has the BEST success rate stats of any couples therapy out there --- 70% - 75% of couples experience significant improvement. In all my readings I had never heard of it before! It's endorsed by John Gottman and aligns nicely with a lot of his work. All of this is very important to me as I'm a very facts, data, logic person. Show me the numbers! Gottman's got some of the best research out there so if he thinks it's good that says a lot in my book!

Had a great night out with a relatively new friend who is becoming very dear to me. She lost her husband last year and is grieving deeply. They had a wonderful marriage, the kind everyone dreams of. I learn a lot from her about what true love really is. It makes me reflect on my own often non-loving behavior in my M. Friend says that when she talks to me about her M she feels her H with her. It's very fulfilling to her and to me which is so incredibly healing right now since H really can't be here for me like I need right now.

I'll be busy today with prep for D5's b-day party tomorrow. Plenty to keep me distracted. I'm really hoping the kids soccer games get rained out this am. Love spending a bit of time hunkered down on the couch with a cozy blanket on a rainy day.

Have a good one everyone.

Thanks Jefe! :-)

Kids have soccer today, did not get cancelled. Too bad, H is being a cold di*k to me. Gotta love it....NOT

Came home from soccer and H came to the house because he had previously agreed to help clean out the garage for D5's party tomorrow. He continued to be cold to me, barely looking at me. Lord only knows what's up with him now. I politely asked him if it was ok if I left him on his own to do the garage cleaning so I could go run some other errands. I figure the best thing was to get away from him before I got myself into trouble. D5's party tomorrow should be an interesting challenge.

Went to visit Dad. Oy, doing awful doesn't even begin to do it justice.

Doing a little cathartic movie watching now. My favorite Star Wars Movie --- III Revenge of the Sith. Watching Anakin fully transition to the dark side, sounds like my life!

Spent some time rereading over many of my prior posts, basically from the time H announced OW was moving to his office until now. As many of you may recall, when H announced OW was moving I did not react well. Subsequently, H pulled way back from me. It took weeks for him to rewarm to me and ultimately it was fully 1 and � months before we actually spoke about OW being in his office and started really reconnecting again.

So now that H is pulling back again I�m doing some detective work trying to figure out the pattern. And the truth is, I have been a bad girl these past couple of months since we started reconnecting.

First, I got upset that we were still separated when the kids were starting school. I really wanted H back home so we wouldn�t have to continue the back and forth through the school year. I offered an in home separation. H balked. I did not react well and kept pushing the issue several times. Not surprisingly he became more and more adamant in his position and more and more pissed off with me.

Next, things started going really downhill with my Dad. Mentally I started REALLY losing it. I was furious with H for not being here for me when I need him most. We had a couple of ugly battles over that. I piled on a bunch, verbally pummeling H with everything he has done to me over these months (and really, it�s not like he has done anything to me post-A that I haven�t let him). I did it in a way that may have been �softer� than my normal style but in the end, I was still beating on him. As you can imagine, he did not react well.

Gee, why am I surprised he�s pulling back so severely right now?

Having laid out all my misdeeds, I�m trying to forgive myself and keep moving forward. Since I've been down this road before I know if I don't I will fall into beating myself up and become depressed. I'm at least not going to allow THAT this time. I know what I need to do, give him space, space and more space. Get my PMA up and get GALing. Perhaps H will be done with me this time. Perhaps I am done with him. Tbh, there�s a lot of damage done all around and it seems like we�re both h*ll bent on piling on more.

Since I'm apparently in bad girl confession mode, I will add that I have NOT been dealing well with my Dad's illness at all. I've taken on some really, really unhealthy behaviors. Drinking alone, SMOKING (which I haven't done in 20 years), my diet is horrendous, letting myself just lay around a lot. I really turned into a mess and then turned on H, blaming him for not being here to support me in my pain. Gah.

Having said all that, over the past roughly week I finally started to wake up and realize what I mess I was making. I started to pull myself out of it and realize I need to stop this unhealthy non-sense. I stopped the drinking and the smoking and have been getting back to forcing myself out and about regardless of my feelings. I wouldn't say I'm out of it 100% and the damage I did may very well have been the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. Although I have to say, H and I get into a pretty ugly dance and it's quite mutual, so I'm not going to let myself shoulder 100% of the blame if that's where we land.

Tomorrow is D5's bday party. H will be there. I'm going to focus on D and all the kids. Unfortunately, for both good and bad, H and I have always had an intense emotional connection. When things are bad, like now, he can cut like a knife with one look. I'm mentally preparing to get my shield up.

Enough confessions for the night. Onward and upward. I still have 12 Olaf t-shirts to make!

What a good mom, making those Olaf t-shirts.

It sounds like you and I have been in similar places mentally the last few weeks. I've been a mess too. I'm sorry you're struggling and I wish I could make it better. This is not fun at all.

Thx Maybell. Yes indeed, much similarities going on between us. I'm reading along your thread and wishing you the best!

Some good GALing tonight. Alone but all good for my PMA nevertheless:
*Star Wars is good for the soul. Many words of wisdom in those films. I <3 Star Wars.
*Busy is good for the soul. Been getting ready for D's party all night. 16 Olaf tshirts plus 1 Olaf onsie ready to make some kiddos smile.
*Laziness begets laziness. Get moving, especially doing something for and/or with my kiddos and joy is sure to follow.

Getting back on track..

H will be here soon for D5's party. Deep, deep breaths. I will focus on the kids and not let H's coolness get to me. I am trying to be the best me I can be, I realize that may not be enough for H at that this point, too much damage may already be done. But I'm trying and will keep trying until I get it right for ME. Including calling my doc to up my AD meds

Have a good one everyone.

Breathe deep, you got this. no problem!

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It �ain�t over till it�s over!�

Thx Jefe.

Survived the party. Kept my focus on the kids. It was an awesome party if I do say so myself.

H has definitely pulled way away from me. Reminds me so much of how he behaved during the A. Despite this, I'm feeling ok.

Going to relax for a while, exhausted.

Well, My turn. My wife is over here today and I'm having a hard time holding my attitude. Gotta detach.

I'm in an interesting place. Feeling pretty good about life, despite H being so cold and distant and things not looking great for us right now.

Not sure what it is that's making me feel pretty positive. Maybe finally getting honest with myself about how far off the rails I've gone. Maybe it was the fun of the party, I love organizing parties for the kids. Also, I really enjoyed the warmth and help from various Mom's I'm friendly with who know H and I are separated. I definitely felt more detached from H today, which was a good thing. I didn't let his coolness get me down.

Interestingly, I also don't feel the panicky 'how am I going to deal with this house' lately. I feel more and more like I'll figure it out.

Maybe going way off the rails was good. Maybe you have to hit bottom before you can make some real progress. I feel a shift in me, let's see if I can make it permanent.

Doing some more rereading of my prior threads and get so much out of seeing some patterns. Notsomuch with regard to H (although, admittedly I am looking at that) but more with regard to me.

So just want to document a couple of things that made me happy this weekend so I can refer back when I'm struggling:
*having dinner and great conversation with a thoughtful, nourishing friend
*doing something incredibly fun and creative for my kids --- planning D5's Frozen party!
*spending time with friends who support and help me, I have so many and am so fortunate
*spending time with my Dad. Thankfully, he still recognizes me and despite his paranoid dementia I can bring him comfort. He still trusts me.
*watching inspiring movies, listening to music

I need to get exercise and healthy food on this list!

Still feeling good. H had the kids last night, when I left the house this morning he was driving past with the kids, we both stopped and rolled our windows down and said a quick hello. I was very cheery. Feeling back in the 'woman you'd be a fool to leave' space. Also feeling very much like I will be ok no matter what. I have been so freaked by the prospect of the holidays without H. But I started thinking about how that gives me the freedom to do and celebrate in whatever way I want. I love creating fabulous experiences for the kids, like D5's Frozen party yesterday. I certainly don't need H to do that!

And I have lots of fun stuff coming up over the next month or so. Going to a concert in the city with a friend, going to an American Girl doll caf�/store with D5 and another friend and her D, a dear friend from overseas is coming to visit me, and Halloween is somewhere in the middle of everything. Halloween is always a big deal and a blast in our neighborhood. Work is heating up a lot too, which is good for me because I love my job and being busy helps keep my PMA up.

So, for the moment, things continue to be good despite all that's going on with Dad and things with H taking a negative turn. Hopefully I can keep on this upward swing for a while.

mdu

Keep up the PMA and being the W only a fool would leave. I guarantee that he is noticing it. And either way, it is making you feel better and setting you up for success on the flip side. You deserve to be in a great M/R, with your current H or someone else.

Shodan

Some more documenting.

Although H has been pulling away like crazy I'm moving forward and acting "as if" we're still reconciling. He hasn't told me otherwise and until he does my plan is to act as if his latest pull back is just a bump and not the end of the line. So far, I'm not getting the best responses from him but I'm not letting it get me down.

I think in general I feel more relaxed because I know we have MCing and that will be a chance to get to the bottom of things, even if it's not good. I so prefer that over limbo. Should be an interesting session on Thursday.

MDU,

Been MIA for a while...sorry for that.

Originally Posted By: mdu

Still feeling good. H had the kids last night, when I left the house this morning he was driving past with the kids, we both stopped and rolled our windows down and said a quick hello. I was very cheery. Feeling back in the 'woman you'd be a fool to leave' space. Also feeling very much like I will be ok no matter what. I have been so freaked by the prospect of the holidays without H. But I started thinking about how that gives me the freedom to do and celebrate in whatever way I want. I love creating fabulous experiences for the kids, like D5's Frozen party yesterday. I certainly don't need H to do that!

^^ now that's more like it, MDU!!! What a sea change from last week. See...you can do JUST FINE without H being in the house. That is a great forward progress for yourself. It just shows that your happiness does not depend on H at all. Happiness is what you create for yourself.

Originally Posted By: mdu

Although H has been pulling away like crazy I'm moving forward and acting "as if" we're still reconciling. He hasn't told me otherwise and until he does my plan is to act as if his latest pull back is just a bump and not the end of the line. So far, I'm not getting the best responses from him but I'm not letting it get me down.

You might want to start keeping a solutions journal and make notations of what takes place & the outcome of each. I've seen many DBers make one outburst to their WASes and it usually sets them back. For instance, Betsey (aka Underdog) noticed that for every outburst she made toward XH, it set her back a good 14 days.

I think it would be helpful to YOU to keep a journal like to keep track of what works and what doesn't work. The one thing I do know for a fact that works is making homemade baked goodies for H.

With Halloween around the corner, you might want to start thinking about something for H. Another homemade bread? Other ideas?

Had a devastating discussion with H last night. He told me that he does not love me anymore, has been trying to fall back in love with me these past 7 months since BD & just can't. I am stunned & devastated, all along he has been telling me he still loves me but it was not true. I'd say this is the end for us folks. I can't take anymore. I feel blindsided yet again. I always trusted & believed he still loved me. Can't believe that was yet another lie

MDU, I'm sorry that your H is putting you through this. You are doing so well, don't give back the progress you are making.

Your H is going through something, and he's hurting. I know how much his words hurt you. But remember, believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Best wishes.

MDU, I'm so sorry to hear that. How did the conversation come up?

The only advice I can offer you is to try to keep a positive attitude and continue to do the things that initially attracted your H. Although there is no set timeline, I read somewhere (maybe Starsky?) that those feelings can take years to fully return.

I'm still holding out hope for you!

I'm so sorry, mdu. I know you've worked really hard at this, but I do NOT think this is your issue -- it's his. I have yet to see the man do the hard work necessary . . . or make the really tough decisions . . . in order to give your marriage a chance. He seems to be a "one foot on the platform and another one on the train" kinda guy, and that's his issue.

Sadly, it obviously affects you a great deal.

Starsky

Originally Posted By: Tarheel

The only advice I can offer you is to try to keep a positive attitude and continue to do the things that initially attracted your H. Although there is no set timeline, I read somewhere (maybe Starsky?) that those feelings can take years to fully return.

True, but only if OW is completely out of his life, which obviously has never happened. I think the daily contact with her at his office may have blocked him emotionally to mdu's positive changes, and caused him -- a waffler already, imho -- to waffle even more.

Wars are won by FIRST pacifying your enemy. THEN you negotiate the peace. I don't believe it can be done backwards. (I know that sounds harsh, but when a spouse is wayward or walkaway they are an enemy to your marriage and your intact family).

I don't think the man was ever allowed to hit bottom. Maybe he will if mdu moves on.

Starsky

Originally Posted By: mdu

Had a devastating discussion with H last night. He told me that he does not love me anymore, has been trying to fall back in love with me these past 7 months since BD & just can't.

This is my opinion, and my belief system (although many people share it), and take it for fwiw:

I truly believe the old truth of "Love is a decision." It is a commitment that the two of you make, to each other and to the marriage, that says "we are exclusive, we are monogamous, we are going to work on this, til death (or divorce) do us part."

FEELINGS on the other hand, do take awhile to return. They can take a LONG while to FULLY return.

I stress this because often times (and usually, it's a wayward WOMAN, not a wayward man who expresses this) a wayward spouse will say "But I've lost my feelings for you," or "I don't love you anymore," or often "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" (which is completely a FEELINGS statement). My wife expressed the same fears to me: "If I end my affair and come back and work on the marriage with you, I don't think my feelings for you are ever going to come back." To which I replied "I'm not asking for you to guarantee anything about how you will FEEL; I'm asking you to make a DECISION to rejoin me in this marriage, and to work on it for some set period of time that we both can agree on -- say, one year. If at that time either one of us don't feel like this is working out, then at least we will know that we gave it our best shot."

Your husband -- as you have lamented here often throughout your sitch -- has never made that commitment, that decision. He's operated more like a woman, frankly and has led all along with his emotions. I think he compares his feelings for you with his feelings that he gets (or, if he truly ended it with her, that he USED to get) with OW.

And he doesn't think it can work with you.

The problem is, he has never committed to no-contact, and has in fact REMAINED in contact with her, mostly thru work and we hope that's all that it's been, but it's still CONTACT.

Physiologically, this has caused him to remained emotionally BLOCKED to you, and he's being unfair not only to YOU but also to HIMSELF if he makes a potentially life- and family-altering decision (like divorce) based on whether or not he feels "in love" with you currently.

Not until OW is completely out of the picture, and you two agree to work on things exclusively, will his feelings begin to return and even then it takes AWHILE. My wife and I began to feel differently towards each other after a few months, but it took probably 2-3 YEARS for it to get back fully.

It's why I'm such an absolute NAZI about no-contact and transparency. I got overruled here, and I deferred to your decision and the advice from others which DID (and does) very much work at RE-ATTRACTION. We've seen that, and you did it very well! But for re-attraction to then take the next necessary step of COMMITMENT on your husband's part, I believe has a very small chance as long as he's remaining in contact with OW and keeping some part of his heart open to her.

I could be wrong. His statement about his feelings may have more to do with long-term issues he has with you, mixed with how much he's seeing you change (or NOT change) currently, and him deciding "these are the things that made me unhappy in the marriage to begin with, and why I stepped outside of my marriage and left mdu." But at a MINIMUM his decision-making is at least heavily INFLUENCED by the endorphines still running around his brain, in my opinion.

I just wanted to clarify that, since you've said that you are a "facts and logic" person and you like to think everything thru. The GOOD news in all of that is, I don't think your husband even YET has allowed himself to decide what he wants to do with you while UNINFLUENCED by a third party. And it remains to be seen whether or not that might still happen, and maybe his feelings change. So it doesn't necessarily mean that his feelings so far have been a "lie" -- they've just been blocked/influenced by remaining feelings for OW.

I do think it (no-contact decision-making, uninfluenced by a third party) needs to happen, though before the two of you make such a life-altering decision like divorce, if that's what you're thinking.

((((hugs)))),

Starsky

My ex-fianc� gave me the same spiel - that he just doesn't feel it for me right now, while he is in the midst of a relationship with the OW. How ridiculous for them to think they can have feelings for us without working at it, when they are in the midst of a romantic affair with someone else! How immature! It's also clear that these guys have no clue what real love is! Real love is not all rainbows and ponies - it's all other less exciting but wonderful stuff that develops over years of being together as a family and committing to work at a relationship.

Your H and mine will inevitably disappointed when the initial magic wears off and the pixie dust goes away...

Also remember that they used to have the same feelings for us at one point, which means the foundation for love will always be there.

Starsky, thanks for that, it applies to my sitch too.

I hope this isn't a hijack, but I wanted your thoughts... My H's OW also works for his same company, but far down the food chain and in a different company. He does encounter her from time to time, usually via Skype or other electronic medium, but he's in her office annually. He claims he "tried," but the truth is he was chasing her while he was "trying." She just didn't want him.

How long does it take for him to not be influenced by his experience with her? I was told he was through with her in July but I think he's missing at high something fierce. Now he says he's opposed to being in any relationship at all.

MDU, I'm sorry this is where you are in your journey. Those words HURT. I know.

I'll try to stop by your thread, Maybell. It would depend on how often he sees her, and whether or not he's "dwelling" on her in his mind (example: you don't see her for several months, but every night you're on iTunes playing your favorite love songs that remind you of her, and "going there" in your mind).

Interestingly, it's been shown that even NEGATIVE contact (a disagreement, or a friend telling you something disparaging about OM/OW) can have the same effect as positive contact, chemically. The brain still gets that same "jolt" of PEAs and the withdrawal clock goes back to 0:00:00 again.

Thanks for that, Starsky, the infidelity portion of my thread hasn't been addressed in quite some time as the focus has been more on me and my areas for growth. I shouldn't have interrupted MDU's need for you except that what's going on with her appears so relevant to trying to sort out my own husband's state of mind. The bullet she took yesterday I took several months ago. But I find your point of view really enlightening and I didn't come to DB till way late in the game so it's helpful to see where I went wrong and where I had no possibility of succeeding given the circumstances.

(where I said "another company" should have read "another continent" -- but I have no idea how often he interacts with her electronically)

mdu, are you okay??? I'm a little concerned.

Please update us when you can.

Starsky

MDU,

Wow. I am so so sorry to read of H's hurtful words to you. That has got to HURT like h*ll!

It's okay to step back and away from the boards for a while to regain your center.

I am with Starsky about H's thought process...in that he's operating from a feeling standpoint rather than making a conscious DECISION to work on things. I am in general agreement that all of those factors are complicated by the OW's constant presence at the office building.

BUT....

I've seen that other posters have survived the OW/OM at their offices. Seems that all of that depends on the variables at play between the parties.

MDU....we're all here right beside you lifting you up by the arms. We'eve got your back, baby. (((MDU)))

(((MDU)))

Just breathe. It's OK to withdraw for a bit.

Give us a heads up when you can to let us know you are alright.

I will pray for you tonight.

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