1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 4

New thread.

Had a nice evening. H came by with the kids to help fix the lawnmower. I was outside doing some yard work and he ended up helping cut down a tree that had fallen a while ago. Feels good to be getting some things done around here! The kids were invited to a neighbors for a baseball game. H let them go even though it was his night. He stayed at the house and did some lawn mowing for me then came up to the neighbors house too and visited with a few folks. It was nice, kind of how things used to be but not quite, still some coolness between us. I sent him home with some tomatoes from the garden and more zucchini bread.

Definitely whenever I see H these days my PMA takes a hit the next day. Although we are pleasant to each other there is a definite distance. It feels like we�re really just becoming friends at best, whereas before OW came to his office we were clearly headed in a more romantic direction. I also don�t particularly like that H is being a bit secretive. The fact that he went to OW�s �old� office the other day and obviously felt he couldn�t tell me makes me wonder. I mean if she�s not there because she�s in the office here now what has he got to hide? I know folks may say he didn�t tell me because I might �go off� but if she�s not with him what�s to �go off� about?

I keep wondering what�s going to turn this situation around and my gut feel is that it will not turn around unless something dramatic changes with OW. If for some reason H�s attraction to her dies (I suspect it still lives and is interfering in his feeling for me). Or if for some reason OW leaves that office and isn�t in such close proximity anymore. It seems like something has to happen to completely end things between them. I don�t see any other way. And I�m not sure how long I�m willing to wait around to see if things *might* turn. In a way, I feel like *my* attraction to H is dying in the process.

On a brighter note, I brought myself a bow saw and chopped down a few small trees last night. WOOT!

Originally Posted By: mdu

I also don�t particularly like that H is being a bit secretive. The fact that he went to OW�s �old� office the other day and obviously felt he couldn�t tell me makes me wonder. I mean if she�s not there because she�s in the office here now what has he got to hide? I know folks may say he didn�t tell me because I might �go off�

mdu, I see you've answered your own question.

I'm dense, Starsky.

Are you saying that he's obviously got something to hide?

Or that he doesn't tell me because I'll obviously go off -- whether he's got something to hide or not.

I'm saying he doesn't tell you things because you almost always go off.

Thanks, I appreciate the feedback.

Just reflecting on how important it is to be reminded of how damaging my "going off" on H is. In some ways it's honestly a blind spot for me, particularly in this situation because I feel entirely JUSTIFIED in going off on H because of the A. It's really hard for me to step back and recognize "wait, no matter what I shouldn't act like this." In addition to my own internal dialogue telling me that I'm justified, I have so many folks around me telling me the same. It's really tough to change some of these longstanding patterns.

Yes, it is.

We used to have some really great discussions around here with a poster named Coach, and some others, about "reactivity." Learning NOT to lead with your emotions, and NOT to be reactive.

I've always said that DBing isn't complicated, but it's also not EASY. It does require a great deal of self-discipline, I think. Those that have trouble with self-discipline, and with being too emotionally reactive, seem to struggle with DBing the most.

But the good news is that you can LEARN those things!!!

Starsky

Thanks, I'll have to see if I can find some of those old posts about reactivity you mention.

I am fearful that I can't ever learn. And it maybe hard to understand if you're not an overly emotional person but truly, sometimes my emotions can come on so strong, so suddenly it doesn't even feel like I have TIME to manage them. Even if I manage to STFU, tears might start suddenly streaming or in some other way my face betrays me. I especially get into trouble when something totally blindsides me, which obviously unfortunately happens quite a bit in A situations.

I do think the ADs help some. And making a point of posting here before doing anything.

That's just it, mdu. I think you ARE slowly learning to control your emotions. You just maybe haven't figured it out yet.

"Just reflecting on how important it is to be reminded of how damaging my "going off" on H is. In some ways it's honestly a blind spot for me, particularly in this situation because I feel entirely JUSTIFIED in going off on H because of the A."

But you've had that problem even before your H had an A. Yet you still refuse to go and get help for it. That is something that you seriously need outside help with to give you the right tools to communicate better.

Conflict will always be in your relationships. Conflicts in life are not a choice. How you handle it is.

I am going to an IC counselor now MrBond.
And on ADs

And what has he told you about how to handle your anger?

She has really pushed meditation and other visualization/relaxation techniques which we've practiced in her office. She said with enough practice they should give me the few seconds I need to gather and control myself. I have a meditation app I work on every night. I've only seen her 2 times, she on vacation for a few weeks right now.

But have you been practicing the meditation and visualization techniques that she does with you, on your own?

What you could do is to put those techniques in small ways first and do them often. After awhile, those small actions will become habit for you. But you have to start small and then they'll be real.

Yes, I have a meditation app she recommended I do every night.

The visualization did not work well in her office. Actually made me get upset, she tried to get me to visualize a 'safe' place and every place I imagined had H there. She said that might not be one that works for me but we only did it once.

Just want to document so more unusual behavior by H.

Typically when I text, call or email him he replies almost immediately. The last couple of days he has not. It's really unusual. Of course my mind is racing about OW because this is how he acted during the A. Having said that, I'm also wondering if something big is going on with work. There have been a lot of changes there recently. I'm curious to see how this shakes out and if my suspicions about OW are unfounded. If something is going down at work I'm really curious to see if he tells me. That would be huge if he did (in a positive way). I feel like I've been a good listener about work stuff these past few months -- although now with OW in the office it does feel a bit awkward to discuss work related things with him, it's like the constant elephant in the room.

Anyway, just wanted to document the latest. Of course I will not act on any of my suspicions. I'll just sit back and see what unfolds.

Why don't you just come out and ask him how the new job at work is going? Not only would he probably love to talk about it, you can show off your listening skills and most importantly pull off an entire work convo with him WITHOUT bringing up OW?

Just a thought, but seems pretty straightforward to me.

Starsky

I actually did ask him about it a couple of weeks ago and purposely did not bring in OW as you mentioned. I will ask him again, he just seems more distant these days and less open to chit chat. But maybe I just have to try again.

Just make sure you don't say something like "You seem to be really busy at work these days, since you haven't been answering my texts right away. How are things going with the new job?" That will only come across as "fishing" (about OW) and insecurity . . . blcccch, UNATTRACTIVE.

Instead just a simple "So how's the new job going for you? Is it what you thought it would be?" or something similar.

Starsky

He finally replied to my text about a party for D4 I had to RSVP to and I said:

Me: hope ur having a good day
H: It is ok. Made some changes that broke things. Have to leave to get the kids now.
Me: Oh no. I'm sorry. I could have picked the kids up if you were in a real bind.
H: I will work when I get home. Ty though.
Me: Np, good luck!

So apparently he is having a work issue. I am totally going to give him space, although I wish there were some way I could support him more right now. He's probably majorly stressed because there's a ton of new stuff he's trying to figure out in his new role.

Just TALK TO HIM, mdu. It's only "pursuing" if it's relationship stuff. Talking to him about his job is a winning issue for you I think, as it plays into his male ego, you get to show you can do it WITHOUT bringing up (or hinting at) OW, and you get to show off your listening skills.

What's the downside?

Starsky

I am texting him a bit about the work issue. I don't want to disturb him too much if he's stressed and trying to focus on getting something fixed right now. But I'll try to find a good time to make some conversation, particularly about work.

It's interesting to hear you say it's only pursuing if it's relationship stuff. I didn't realize that, actually.

Originally Posted By: mdu

It's interesting to hear you say it's only pursuing if it's relationship stuff. I didn't realize that, actually.

For the most part. If, however, he perceives that you are USING another topic (like his work, or the kids, or some other "go-to" move) as a way to pull him back into talking more with you, then it COULD be perceived by him as pursuit. But if you are legitimately interested in how his job is going, and especially if you ask him about it NOT at the end of some panicky "dry spell" in which you haven't heard from him in awhile, or when he's not responding to your texts or something . . . you just do it maybe right after you already WERE talking or texting or emailing about something else . . . then I think that would be good.

Does that make sense?

Starsky

Yes, yes, good, good stuff. Thanks so much Starsky!

MDU,

Originally Posted By: mdu

Just reflecting on how important it is to be reminded of how damaging my "going off" on H is. In some ways it's honestly a blind spot for me, particularly in this situation because I feel entirely JUSTIFIED in going off on H because of the A.

We all may feel perfectly justified in chopping off the heads of our spouses with a sharp axe for their stupid affairs. Does that make it ok? No.

Remember this:

-Do you want to be right?
or
-Do you want to be happy?

For me, I have had to check my pride at the doorstep. When it comes to saving your M, you MUST keep your pride checked big time. Otherwise your resentments will rear its ugly head and your "Old Faithful" blows right out of your mouth.

It isn't any wonder that H wants to stay the f*ck away from your mouth. Remember the honey vs. vinegar parable??

Starsky, Bond, and others have given you some good advice.

Light, breezy, and confident. C'mon...pull her up from the dark space out into the sunshine.

Hi mdu,

I'm still following along and stealing the advice you're getting.

I don't know why I wasn't able to conceptualize that "talking to him about work" wasn't pursuit.

Seems like a no-brainer, but DOH!!!

H likes to tell me about work; it's a way he can connect with me about something he's comfortable talking about.

I specifically DO NOT fish, nor ask questions; stopped all that long ago.

If I ask, it's because I'm interested, and it also allows me to do a 180 by listening and offering support.

So--thanks guys!

---GGG

Ok, so one more question...

Would it be totally inappropriate to pursue H for sex? Often I want to text him for a booty call

While we were on the reconciliation road we had it going really good for a bit. Now it's totally stopped and I miss it. I want it back! How do I make this happen?

Or should I just assume he is currently turned off since he's obviously not pursuing it or really any time alone with me for that matter?

Would it appear just too desperate? It's really not a tactic, I would like to have sex with my H because I miss it and am still attracted to him.

Thoughts?

My thoughts = no way.

Bummer

Did you not used to initiate sex before? If it's a 180, I don't think it would be bad.

Hahahaha. I know, right?!?

You already know why this wouldn't make sense, which is why I didn't spell it out for you. It's also why you asked first.

No pursuit. No pressure. And do nothing that will hurt YOU in the end ... or give you expectations.

Light and breezy, sister. Remember: while you're asking H about work, HE has no idea you've been wringing your hands over it. This new mdu-in-front-of-H isn't heavy or burdened with the worries of the mdu on these boards. (And, by all means, give US your worries and burdens here so you're not showing them to H ... that's why we are here!) You have the opportunity with him to act like being light and carefree is actually how you're feeling ... even though it isn't.

MrBond, you believe mdu initiating sex - while she is unsure of the status of H and OW - wouldn't be bad?

What does the status of the H and OW have to do with doing a 180? If she withheld sex before and didn't initiate and it was a big problem for H, then offering would be a 180 that would throw him for a loop. I'm not saying she does it all the time, but just throwing the bait out there to see if he takes it wouldn't be so bad. Plus if things were riding a positive wave, you increase the positive interactions slowly.

If, however, he has sex with her AND OW, then there's a problem. We don't know for sure if he's seeing the OW or not.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

If, however, he has sex with her AND OW, then there's a problem. We don't know for sure if he's seeing the OW or not.

^^ Yes, it is a problem. We just don't know for a FACT that H is having ongoing contact with the OW. I would rather err on the side of the caution here.

STDs anyone!??

I get what you're saying, Bond.

I'm still firmly in the no-sex camp.

Expectations, potential STDs, sex-with-no-commitment/emotion (which is particularly difficult for most women).

Yeahhhhh, no.

mdu doesn't seem to be the type to blindly go into something. I think she could handle it. Plus, because her anger was a big issue with her H, showing a "softer" side might help.

Just my 2 cents.

Honestly, I suspect H would reject me if he were having sex with OW. Our sex life had slowed down quite a bit before he got involved with OW. During the A, it came to a halt and for the first time in our 10 year relationship H started rejecting me. He just does not do 2 well.

So I kind of agree with MrBond. It would be a 180 since I used to reject him a lot and I think it's low risk if we actually do it and probably a strong sign that he's not sleeping with her. The real challenge for me would be if he rejects me, then I'll be even more freaked that he's gotten back with OW but again without real hard evidence.

1. Are you considering pursuing him for sex to try to glean information? Because that's what ^^^ sounds like.

2. My H, when he left the 1st time, seemed to not be able to "do" 2 at a time. The 2nd time? He carried on a PA while having sex with me until I busted the A. Men like sex. And when it's about sex, they tend to be able to compartmentalize and act outside of the character WE "know" them to have.

3. Are you willing to live in an open M? I wouldn't judge you if you were; many people on these boards have been willing. But my own conviction was I would not live in an open M with a third party. And until I had proof that H's A was done, it would really weaken my boundary if I had sex with him (thus condoning an open M).

4. Am I remembering correctly that you two ML before OW moved to town? I could be thinking of someone else's sitch.

5. Would you be emotionally ready to put yourself out for sex and be rejected?

6. Would you be emotionally ready to have sex and not hear from your H afterward?

I know you will do what you feel is the right thing to do.

I think sex as a 180 when an OP may still be involved is risky business. But that's just me.

1. My initial motive was not to glean info, but I can't deny the fact that how he reacted ultimately would provide info.

2. Yup, who knows, maybe he could do it now even though he apparently couldn't initially.

3. No, but I am also counting on him rejecting me if he were involved with her again. As you said, maybe not

4. Yes

5. Probably not

6. No

I think I have my answer

mdu,

You are far, far stronger than you give yourself credit for being.

Hugs to you.

Hell no.

For some reason today I've got that strong 'yuck, God I wish this nightmare would just end' feeling in my belly.

Was kid free last night and stayed home alone for the evening (watched the movie "the other woman" which is a really great laugh, esp for LBSs, btw). Working at home today because I had to meet a garage repair man. Probably too much alone time, although I'm psyched to be getting some much needed house stuff done. It's truly silly some of the things I've procrastinated on bc I felt overwhelmed and/or intimidated. The more I do stuff, the more determined I feel to find a way to keep this house no matter what.

Fortunately have lots of GAL plans over the next several days. Taking the kids to a summer party at D4's preschool this evening. H can't make it, which I am kind of glad. Although I might have to meet him briefly beforehand to exchange some of the kids stuff. Probably will take the kids to our town summer fest tomorrow night. Then my brother is coming up again for the weekend, it's my parents 50th anniversary. Lots to keep me busy and hopefully mind off H.

Met H to exchange a few kid items and incredibly had one of the warmest, lightest interactions since he told me OW was moving to his office. I brought him zucchini brownies this time

that made him happy. We chatted about his work some then I told him about a really cool project I am starting at my job. He was impressed.

I walked away feeling like someone he'd be a fool to leave

MDU,

See??!! ^^ This is what happens when you STFU and speak like honey to H. I hope you dressed a bit sexy for this exchange.

Well done.

Thx, Wonka, I have to remind myself it ultimately feels good for ME. It's the person I want to be: light, fun, interesting, sweet.

The baking for him is working out great. It's something I used to do for him when we were dating. And I generally do it a lot in the summer with garden stuff so it's not too obviously a ploy. Also, I was able to slide in calling him a silly nickname I used to several years ago during a text exchange afterwards. It fit perfectly and I got a giant smiley back.

I'm workin it!

Ohhhhh boy. I feel our good ol' mdu comin' back strong!!

This makes ME feel light and breezy and sweet! I just might have to bake something for H now!

Sending you a pat on the back, mdu. Job well done!

mdu,

I need some of your zucchini brownies!

Maybe I should try baking when my PMA makes another appearance.

---GGG

GGG,

Try BEFORE and give to a neighbor/friend. That will HELP your PMA!

(Sorry for the mini hijack, mdu!)

Thanks, Train.

Good idea.

Besides, "BAKING" would be such a 180 in itself.

Maybe I could fatten myself up!

mdu-- I think you're doing an incredible job!

"Not too obviously a ploy" !!!

You mean like me leaving my French lace thong undies "accidentally" drying on the deck where GUBU was destined to come across them while I was gone???

"Not TOO obviously a ploy.... nahhh...."

You go, girl!

---GGG

Thx GGG! Sending you some virtual zucchini brownies!

And I'll throw in a pair of French lace thong undies just for sh!ts and giggles!

Ohhh...you gals are onto something with all this thong talk. I am totally going to figure out a way to work this into the mix. Maybe a really large charge to Victoria's Secret on our joint cc? And then leave the VS bag somewhere H can see??

I continue to be amazed by how up and down my moods are. Is this typical?

Early yesterday I felt yucky but by the end of the day I was in a really good place. Took the kids to a party at D4's preschool and they had a blast. Sometimes these things can be tough bc typically H and I would go together but he decided not to go, interestingly it didn't really bother me. Last night I just really enjoyed relaxing at home with the kids. We have lots of fun plans this weekend I'm looking forward to.

I'm sure at some point my mental state will take a dip. Since I have the kids all weekend I'll wonder if H is with OW. Can't help but wonder. At some point I will check the CC again. I've definitely decided that if I start to see evidence that he is with OW again I'm going to contact my lawyer and start seriously getting my ducks in a row to file. It's just too much deception for me, I can't see ever getting over it and trusting him again.

Regardless, I'm doing everything I can to figure out how to move on by myself. I'm starting to track my expenses very closely so I know exactly what I can afford on my own and possibly negotiate for H to help pay for the house (right now I just have a very rough budget). I have a bunch of appointments lined up to get general maintenance done on the house and a friend coming next weekend to help me with the yard. Focusing on taking control is definitely empowering. Everyone thinks I'm just 'waiting' for H to decide. Nope, not at all, I'm using this time wisely.

Still feeling good today, which is nice.

Feeling more and more like I can make it and be happy on my own. I hope this feeling starts to persist more consistently, it tends to come and go.

H and I exchanged a few chatty texts and I feel mostly ambivalent about it. Wondering if that feeling will start to persist as well. Probably not as soon as I have to see him again.

Looking forward to plenty of GAL with the kids this weekend!

Documenting some more really odd and I believe suspicious behavior by H.

Was texting him last night and he was taking a while to reply -- as I mentioned previously, this is very atypical behavior. Finally, he stopped replying entirely at about 10pm. He texts me this morning and says 'sorry, I fell asleep.' H never goes to sleep at 10pm, he's usually up until at least midnight - 1am!

I have a couple of house questions for him and replied to his 'sorry I fell asleep' text with 'R U free to chat? I have a couple of quick questions for you' Again, he is taking a LONG time to reply (still hasn't yet, actually). VERY unusual.

I'm not doing anything, not reacting. Just have my sensors on high. If I speak to him I am absolutely going to be SWEETER than honey!!! I will be checking the CC regularly. I'm certain he will eventually get sloppy if he's with OW and charge something that will make it obvious. Ugh!

My brother in law is coming over this am to prune some trees! So lucky to have so many people helping support me.

Update: so finally spoke to H. I think in fact he may not be with OW as I was fearing, apparently he has some more major work issues. I think he may really be struggling with his new role at work, lots of new things to deal with and learn. We had another really good light, airy chat. We even chatted about what I could bake him next

I called him to let him know my brother in law would be chain sawing some trees and was he ok with that, did he have any opinions, etc? I think he was impressed that I'm taking control of so much house stuff. Typically I would fret and complain that stuff is not getting done, now I'm just dealing with it myself. A great 180.

So glad that I'm learning to take a breath, document my suspicions here and NOT react to H. Of course I will continue to check things like CC regularly. Trust but verify.

"Documenting some more really odd and I believe suspicious behavior by H. "

You're beginning to be very paranoid. You have to let part of that go. Not to completely trust him, but you have to start giving him the benefit of the doubt or else you're never going to move on.

Very paranoid or just cautious? I was never like this before H had the A. I totally trusted, never questioned. I wish I had questioned more, TBH.

MDU,

A lot of us have our stories of Life Before A(LBA) and Life After A (LAA). Our innocence is forever destroyed. Yup, I get that. However, I see a lot of positives in your situation.

-H likes your home cooking
-H was chatty with you on text
-H was warm toward you at the kiddo exchange

Focus on them!

As you said earlier, H is getting adjusted to his new role at work. It has only been 2 weeks now. I read that the average learning curve is 6 months. So try to be more supportive of H in his new job.

Sandi and Train, I believe, both have said that men desire affirmation and admiration. What have you done to show H them in small ways? Think about it, MDU.

Honey works every single time.

Thanks Wonka, I will be sure to work on those things.

Chatted with H last night about kid exchange then got into some chit chat about his work. Things are kind of crazy there for him. I didn't say boo about OW

H picked up kids this am and ended up hanging around for ~30 minutes chatting some more. I told him about all the house stuff I'm taking care of, we talked about the weekend and just general chit chat. I sent him away with more zucchini brownies and offered him some leftover chicken parm to take which he said he would gladly but wasn't going back to his Dad's right away so couldn't right then.

In the midst of our chatting S7 says 'daddy, when are you going to come home?' H just smiled and said 'I don't know'.

Been checking the CC and finding no evidence of H with OW.

Overall had a great weekend with my brother, his wife and the kids. My brother in law came over Saturday am and helped me with a ton of yard work, was awesome!

Also important to note. I definitely feel more and more like the person I want to be. There are so many things that I gave up on that I'm getting back into or on top of and it feels really great. I feel like I'm slowly starting to really 'get' the whole fundamental DB principle of working on yourself and becoming the person you were meant to be. I definitely lost myself somewhere along the way.

Originally Posted By: mdu

Chatted with H last night about kid exchange then got into some chit chat about his work. Things are kind of crazy there for him. I didn't say boo about OW

Attagirl, mdu. And don't think he didn't notice it!!!

Starsky

Thanks Starsky!

I definitely sense warming from him. He's off with the kids this week, that's why he was at the house early today to pick them up, and he's already sent me some photos of them.

I wonder if there are other things I can do (besides cooking and chatting) to continue to influence things in a positive direction? Any one with ideas, please share!

One thing for certain is my mood and demeanor matters so, so much. I think he's been on guard for weeks, waiting for me to explode, but since I haven't maybe he's finally loosening up again a bit. And you know, I really *want* to be more of a positive person, I don't want to explode and live with lots of anger anymore. I want to be happier than I have been the last several years and tried to sweep under the rug and ignore.

Not sure when the opportunity will present itself, mdu (but I'm sure it will) . . . but I think your next huge "test" as it were with him will be when something highly controversial/upsettting DOES come up, and how you react to it.

If you think about it, you've avoided "going off" by pretty much avoiding the hot topics -- keeping it light and airy, as it were. At some point (and I'm NOT saying to go looking for it, but just let it happen naturally) an upsetting topic is going to come up -- like OW contact at his office or something -- and how you handle THAT, I think, it going to be a great opportunity for you to show your husband that he can trust you to work thru the difficult reconciliation phase with him.

I would just keep doing what you're doing, and be ready for that day -- practice it in your head. Calmly stating a boundary, but doing so without going off on him.

Starsky

Thanks Starsky. That makes sense. H is pretty avoidant himself so I could be waiting around a while. But honestly, right now I feel pretty ok with that as I feel like I still have a lot to do to get my ducks in a row *if* we were to end up D anyway. Time is on my side.

Maybe I will post and practice some hypotheticals here when I have some time.

Time is a precious gift.

H is clearly in no hurry for D. So you're sitting real pretty here, mdu.

Ok, need help. H is really warming and this is where traditionally I start losing my mind

Determined to keep things in check this time.

Here's the latest:

H texts me a picture of the kids and says:

H: Guess where we are!
Me: Douglas mountain?
H: Keep guessing!
Me: Mount battie!!!
H:

Spending the night at the state park (site of our first camping trip)
Me: I remember it well

H: Me too

This is very similar to when he warmed previously. Starts connecting via the kids then gets into old, happy memories of us. Someone help me chill and not start getting all giddy like a foolish teen so I don't muck this up again!

You need help?!? No you don't. You've got this, sista.

Just like last time: light and breezy, flirty fun, STFU and have no expectations.

It's the expectations, Train. They kill me every time! And then something tough comes up and I really lose it because my expectations are through the roof. Not sure how to keep them in check this time, at least now I'm more aware

Is this the same mdu that said 'I've blown it this time'? Enjoy the ride. I hope you can see what we're all seeing. You've got this. Just breathe!

Thx Barrybran. You, and everyone else here, are truly awesome!

H keeps texting me about his trip with the kids. It's really a change, curious to see how long it lasts and what might come next.

Regardless, I am so stoked about some of the changes I am making for me. Getting totally on top of finances, documenting every last penny I spend. Psyched about the work --- and power tools! ---I am getting done in the yard. Now enjoying some very relaxing kid free time.

MDU,

Write "honey" on the blackboard 100 times...or in a nod to today's modern tech, on Twitter.

You got this! Cooking and chatting are the two things that are working really well so keep going, baby!

Thx Wonka.

After all the texts last evening from H, have not heard from him today. Wish he wasn't such a squirrel! I know, patience.

Gosh I hope to know someday what he's thinking through all this. His behavior is so confusing.

Oh well, I'm determined to not get myself wound up about it this go around and just focus on the awesomeness that is me

Oh boy. H texted me another picture of the kids. I replied:

Me: Fun, I'm jealous!
H: We wish you were with us. We are on XXX island today.
Me: Wish I were there too

I feel like we are on the cusp of something again and I think I need to prepare.

My current plan: if H invites me to do something whether it be as a family or a date with him I will go in order to continue to work to re-attract him. But any talk of R and/or moving home and I will remind him of the boundaries (which he already knows) around transparency, MCing, etc. Thoughts?

My thought would be for you to learn the fine art of the statement "Hmmmm; I'll have to think about that one." And "I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore; I'll have to think about that one."

Starsky

MDU,

Don't you see all those positives and you HAD to ask about initiating R talks??!! Stop it. Don't even go there.

Really.

Do you remember how I advised Train to go to the beach after getting an invite from her H and for her to dress up sexy??! Look how that turned out!!

I am not planning to initiate R talk. No way. I am trying to figure out what to do if HE initiates R talk...or just initiates wanting to spend time together

Would it be nuts to show up at H's ice hockey game tonight?

Here's my rationale. Pursuit is bad...except when in the M you were always the pursued. This is my sitch, so it's a 180 to pursue H.

H loves hockey. I used to go to some of his games when we were dating but stopped. Another 180

Apparently OW likes hockey. Shows I can step in and share with him something they shared.

Crazy?

MDU,

I like your ideas here.

Gentle question for you, honey....are you prepared for the possibility that OW is there tonight? I am not saying she will be...she may not be there at all.

We just don't know the status of the OW other than she's moved in H's work offices.

If you want to show up at the hockey game, you need to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for the possibility that the OW might be there and how would you react.

Not to rain on your parade here...but this does need to be brought up.

Here's one way around this problem if you are not prepared for the OW being at the game, you can send a short text to H:

H, I think a little birdie would love to show up and cheer you on at the hockey game tonight! See ya soon.

Then sit back and wait.

I'm with u and was actually thinking the exact same thing, that a text alert letting him know I am thinking of coming would b wise. There's a chance he may not even go since he had the kids, regardless the text would give him an out if needed

Sent the hockey game text.

Waiting on pins and needles for his reaction..

Oh boy, nervous.

Got a reply from H about going to his hockey game: 'Yes, that would be ok."

Hmmm...not the raving OMG, that would be AWESOME!!! I had imagined, lol! I know, I need to give the guy a break and chill on the expectations

Happened to speak to DBing coach tonight and her advice was to go with the Yes and go to the game (I thought about bailing). She said if it seems too weird I can exit early and just send him a friendly text like 'Great game, sorry I had to bolt, have a work issue' or something to that effect. She thought bailing at this point would definitely be bad.

So I'm committed to at least drop by for a bit. Wish me luck, I'm determined to not let my mood get too low (or too high) for that matter, no matter what happens.

Perfume, perfume...lady! Look your best casual with lipstick and some tight fitting jeans!

Your H is your new boyfriend that you have a crush on...light and breezy! Don't forget to dole out a few "way to go, H!" and cheer him on appropriately. Don't over do it...'k?

Go get 'em, lil tiger!

Thx for the encouragement, Wonka! (Armed and ready...perfume and tight jeans). I can post while there if I start freaking for some reason, lol!

... meanwhile, WE are cheering for YOU!

Way to go, mdu!

Team MDU: 10
Team Who?? Meh: 0

Here...not feeling it. He hasn't even looked my way. Thinking I should make a cool exit. How?

I have a plan. Will stay for the whole game but exit at the very end when he goes in to shower. Maybe just give a little wave & then send a text 'good game!"

I am a hockey nut
AND
him not noticing you right away doesn't mean anything....he is probably into the game

make note of some specific moves on the ice

hang out for a bit and watch the game....not husband.

really...watch the game, not your phone, and try to imagine what the things are that he likes about it

then comment on those specific things later

(like...that icing call was bogus or why wasn't that high sticking called in the 2nd? Holding much? )

because hanging out and taking interest in hockey is really that...taking an interest

It's faking it time, mdu faking it time.

Feelings come second!

Good lord he got kicked out of the game for fighting!

Is that typical for him? Maybe he was trying to show off because you were there...

It's kind of typical, although I thought he had mellowed some with age. He was definitely playing very hard. He didn't even look at me when he skated off the ice. I stayed to the end, just a few more minutes, then left & sent him a text

I hope you saw what the fight was about.

Interesting night. As I said, the whole game he did not even look my way, even when he was skating off the ice, although he was obviously very POed for getting kicked out. I left a few minutes later and just sent him a nice text. On my drive home he calls me, when I answer he's all like "Hey, why'd you leave?!" I just said, "Oh I needed to get home and get to bed". Then we chatted a bit about the game and the fight (basically this guy kept grabbing him and he got sick of it so decided to have at it).

So interesting because I left totally thinking that he was NOT into me being there at all but that wasn't true. I wasn't particularly sad about it per se, just thinking that maybe it was a bit much for him at the moment. But, in fact, that wasn't true. He thanked me for coming and said that he would have come right off the ice to see me instead of heading into the showers if he knew I needed to get going.

So I'd say operation ice hockey game was a success!!

Yes!!!

I was going to say that he TOTALLY knew you were there! There are few things more awesome than having someone you like watch you at your sport. It feels SO good and so many men DREAM about it. I commend you for that. It was hard for you, you did it anyway and you were feeling awkward about it but you stuck it out! MDU, don't look now but you're ROCKING IT!!!

I like that you left early actually, kind of adds some mystery, implies that you have other things to tend to besides him and he had to finish the game to find out what happened... You did this by the book, I'm so impressed!

congrats, mdu! I wish I could hug you!!! (((())))

Great effort and great realization.

Allllllll great stuff.

And you got some great words of wisdom up there ^^^. Men DO love when we take an interest in their interests ... it may still behoove you to bring up something that happened - another play, perhaps just a general play that didn't even directly involve your H - at another time. It's a great way to start a conversation AND remind him who his biggest fan and cheerleader is.

I'd say Operation Hockey Game was a roaring success!

Yay!

Thanks everyone, feeling like a wife he would be a fool to leave!

Looks like time for a new thread...dang, I post a lot