can i get her to stop cheating? - DivorceBusting.com

Ok...I've read a lot of other post, but don't know if the tactics used in other sceneros will work here. It's a long story as most are so I'll try to cut off most of the fat:

7 yrs ago I had an EA, inturn she had a one-time PA a couple months later, and then a PA some time later with someone else for an unknow period of time. We moved 3 yrs after my A and she decided to leave behind what ever she had there and come with me. I have spent the last two years trying to figure out how to make the marraige better, really concentrating on it the last half of last year. All attempts meet the same cold dead end. None of these efforts where part of DB steps (which I just got the book and have started reading) or any other program, just self guided attempts. Month before last I found out that we were behind in bills (I have stayed out of family finaces for the last two yrs to try to reduce tensions), the conversations for the couple of weeks after were very negative and I had a very bad feeling on where things were headed. I talked her into going to see a marraige counselor, and she agreed, then...

One morning I saw a text message pop up on her phone (which she had locked me out of) it was in another language and when I tranlated it, it was a man asking her if she really loved him, and that he really loved her. When I confronted her she was without remorse and said it was an EA only, but she agreed to go ahead and go to the counselor appointment that I'd made....

Curiousity got the better of me and the next night I figured out her phone passcode and facebook password and found out much more than I would have ever thought possible. The EA with him was also a PA and had been going on for at least 6 mnths, and....then the world fell out from under me, I found that she was on a dateing service and was haveing a PA with at least two and as many as 7 guys!!! That was the hardest night of my life!! I confronted her with it and she was again without remorse.

We agreed to go ahead and go to the counselor to see how to best handle the divorce with respects to the kids. I the last couple weeks we have went to the counselor twice (haven't seen much impact) but my intial concurance with her that it is over has changed somewhat. I have this feeling that something is very wrong with her, maybe mentally or something that sent her off the deep end, and I have a great deal of....guilt, remorse, hurt, reservations, ....?????, I just don't know.

But I do know that 7 yrs ago she gave me the chance, and I didn't do then what it would take to make things right for now. I started this all, and I still love the woman I married, if she's still there somewhere I need to see if I can find her. But my biggest problem is how do I get her to stop with the E/PA's?!! I think that if those would just stop for just a little while maybe we can...?

We are currently together because of finaces and kids, and I know that if I push too hard she'll drop paperwork and I'm afraid it'll get ugly. But this is no way to live. She said she stopped the E/PA's but I know that she hasn't, but I've told her that there's nothing I can do to stop her and she'll do as she wishes and I can't stop her but she still lies to me about them. I've gotten fully into finaces to regain control of the finacial free-fall, and have started to pick up much of the household stuff (cleaning, laundry, cooking, groceries,...). I'm working on trying to stregenthen my bond with the kids, hoping to be in a stronger position to help them through this.

I need help, ideas, thoughts...how can I get her to stop with the E/PA's?!?!??!?!!?

Is there just not really any hope, do I need to just accept reality and start to move on....

I want to believe theres hope, but can't get past the feeling of just being used!

You are in a tough position, and there is no easy answer. If you want to know the best way to change what you are doing to get a different result, the DB coaches are the experts. Clients of the DB coaches get one on one advice and direction of the process necessary to get your relationship on the right track. Pls. call for information. I wish you the best.

Wow! That's a lot for you to digest! You sound as if you are blaming yourself b/c you first had a PA. But was it ever dealt with, or was it just swept under the rug in order to continue living together? What happened when she reacted by having a revenge A? Did the two of you go to therapy?

It sounds rather doubtful that her sexual activity ceased after the first encounter. Not trying to make this harder for you, but have you ever wondered how active she may have been before the M? I mean, to have a revenge A is one thing, but to have PA's with seven men at once? Well, we know it isn't love that is the driving force there, b/c women don't love several men at the same time.

I don't have a lot of faith in many of the so-called MC that are out there today. Too many will tell you to proceed with a D to feel better. This isn't just about the M in trouble, your W is in serious trouble and needs help.

I hope you will continue to post and keep us updated.

Am I blaming myself, yes. After my EA she accepted me back, yes she had an one night revenge A, but I was the one who put us both in the position. We went to a counselor one time, but stopped after that, I wish so much now that we would have gotten a better one, or tried another, but he was just such a....after two hours he told us two little insugnifigant tid-bits of each of our personalities. We both left there feeling it was a waste of time and didn't go back. Because of my own personnel shame all I wanted to do was ignore it all and hoped it would get to the point that it just faded away, that someday it would be just some minor insignifigant blurp in our marraige....if only I knew then what I know now!

As for her revenge A, I felt as though I had brought it upon myself, there was no real blame to put on her, it was my own doing, I did little more than acknowledge that it was my fault, that I put her in that position.

As far as how active she was before our marriage, when we met I was 24 and she was 19. She was only my third (I was just raised old fashion) but she had been with a fair amount for her age. I don't know that I ever asked her for an exact count (that was all pre-"us" history), but I know that it would have been around a dozen or so.

As for the seven men at once, as much as she's told me and/or I've found out about, she says it is just the one that she has feelings for (the one that's married w/ kids!) all the rest are just PA (%!$# buddies). She's told me that she doesn't want to be the one to ruin his marriage, which is a statement that leaves me more that just a little bit baffeled.

Statments like that in conjuction with her acts, and the fact that she's starting to make up more and more lies to go out and be with these other men, even to the point of choiceing them over our children. It has me seriously worried that there is something very seriously wrong! And maybe it's just misguided hope, but I feel that if I can just get the A's to stop, then maybe I can get her to start talking, open up, and maybe we can start to work on this.

Quote:

I feel that if I can just get the A's to stop, then maybe I can get her to start talking, open up, and maybe we can start to work on this.

This problem may be beyond that of an A. Is there a family member who has positive influence with her?

One of the DB Coaches could give you better advice on what to do from your standpoint.

So sorry for the hijack beingused...Sandi when you get a moment can you please stop by my thread? Thanks

Newman

Sandi2 -- Tried to call after the first response to my inital post suggested it. But I'm PST and I head to work around 0400 and don't get home untill around 1530. My job prevents me from haveing my cell phone. The logistics are prohibative. Are there alternate options to calling?

beingused,

I am happy to get you set up with a DB Coach. DB Coaches do offer evening and Saturday sessions. Send me an email at virginia@divorcebusting.com and I will respond to you with some options that should work for you. I look forward to hearing from you.

How are you doing,beingused?

How are you doing....simple enough question, not realy that simple of an answer!! I've been working mostly on strengthing my relationship with my kids.

As far and the M, like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded. We've been to the counselor four times but starting to question why go at all. The week before last during counseling (which is the only time we talk about the marriage) I told her that "I am here, I'm not going to beg or push, but if she wants, I am here". She said that she only "talks" to OM and nothing more and all the others are out of the picture. I know that from the many differant ring tones on her phone and the fact that she will answer some when I or the kids are in the room, and others she takes the phone outside with her to smoke and text/talks out there.

I had knew in my heart that she was lying about the "we just talk over coffee before work", but while cleaning the van I found a piece of paper and it was a receipt for a room on Wednesday night-Thursday morning (Wednesday was counseling). She's had to work every Wednesday for the last six weeks straight, but her pay checks have not changed. Since we don't talk about M except during counseling, I got to let it eat me up untill last Wednesday. When I brought it up she said it was just so they had somewhere privet to talk. During counseling it's talk like there are shadows of hope, maybe getting things started towards recovery. But after three weeks of minding my own buisness and not checking up on her, I had to know if she was really going to work or to get a room again. I found a charge for a hotel and in her purse I found a room key for a room that she had reserved for the night. When I asked her about it, she got very upset, said she told me she had no desire to work it out, got a shower and left. We haven't had more than a three word conversation for two days now, I think this may have sent her over the edge. But I can't trust her to tell the truth during counseling, about not sleeping with him/them, about where all the cash withdraws are going...I don't know that I can trust her about anything because I know that everything she's said about anything of any importance has been lies.

So, I'm trying to GAL, she's still seeing him and sleeping with atleast him, and I'm pretty sure at least two others and has no desire to stop.

How am I doing...the sun comes up and I wake up, the sun goes down and I (try) to sleep.

Beingused-

I am very fascinated by your sitch.Im afraid that if I snooped on my W I would find a very similar outcome. Would you consider moving this to the newby section? Alot more folks would see this and I really do believe that we ALL would learn alot.

Think about it. I am thankful you are sharing this

beingused-

Ive always wondered if anyone elses situation is similar 2 mine?
Yours is. I want 2 follow your situation as well as begin my own thread but I don't know how. Im new here.

Beingused,

You need to stand up for yourself. Who else knows that your wife is cheating? Does the other man have a wife? Her family and his family need to know what is going on. Her friends need to know. You are letting her sneak around and have no respect for you- NONE!
Of course she is denying her affair- THEY ALL DO! They don't want it to end. Your knowing about it might cause you to take action to end it- exactly what she does not want. So she denies, and hopes that by stringing you along she can still exert some control over you. Take your power back. Do a 180 and grow a spine. Give her no warning and tell everyone that your wife is having an affair. Watch as the cold light of day brings her affair to an abrupt end. Watch her empty threats evaporate as her power disappears.
Trust me, you are only prolonging your misery if you keep taking the path that leads to nowhere but divorce. Change the game.

Beingused,

Any updates? I agree with hopefulstill. Yep, IMO a WAW in ea/pa you need to show some spine otherwise she won't respect you. Do you still live in the same roof? Consider setting your boundaries. In my sitch I told W that while we live together that ea with OM is NOT acceptable to me and she's free to go if she wants to pursue him and if she can not respect me and the kids we need to separate...I do NOT want that in my life. She hasn't left and she seem to remember her inappropriate actions everytime I call her out on it.

IMO , call your WAW out in her A do not sugarcoat it and do not be passive about it, it has to be dealt with. Don't settle to be an option to your M. Save yourself, you have value dont be a second choice or plan b. Good luck to you and keep posting.

Hopefulstill, when you get a chance can you check out my thread?

Newman

I hate to say it, but it sounds like you two are in open marriage territory. One of my closest friends and her husband tried this with preset boundaries and it nearly ruined their family. Yet, they were both retaliating due to past infidelities. He cheated online and eventually became addicted to the attention he lacked at home. So, she got a boyfriend she did not love as much as her husband, but she needed attention too and a quiet place to study away from the pressure of their household. It sounds so silly now that we all look back. Their counselor advised that they both agree to date only each other. But their marriage is sex starved because she is too turned off. Maybe this is how your wife feels? Maybe she is still feeling betrayed, or she needs attention, or she is addicted? Who knows, but you cannot control her! DB is for you! You keep at it! It will keep you on the right path. You must focus on you now! Personally, I have only known one woman who has done something like this and she was on drugs!