Emotional Affairs - DivorceBusting.com

I was hoping to learn more about Emotional Affairs. My WAW has been in one for several months now. She only dropped the bomb on me the other day. Before I found this site, I did all the usual bad reactions that might be expected... Harassing her about it, professing my love, spying. I can't take any of that back but I want to change. I need help so badly.

Does anyone have any advice on a WAW who is involved in an emotional affair? I know I need to do something drastic, but I'm not really sure what.

Other folks with spouses in emotional affairs, please tell me what has worked and what hasn't worked for you. Thank you so much.

My husband has been in EA for about 3 years. I and our friends watched as it started and could not stop it from happening. It is terrible. He says it is no longer but I know it is. Possibly more one sided but she still shows enough interest to keep him trying. Might have recently broken it off as a depression seems to have set it. I believe the EA is worst because they never do it and always wonder. Its always there. They stopped tor months and our relationship was better but now it seems to have started back up full force. Its tough. Get ready for a long tough ride.

First off u need to understand there is no quick fix. Also realize the likelyhood that it wasn't just an EA. read the the divorce remedy book and do a search here for other threads on the topic. There's people here u can talk to, it would help though to post a quick summary of your situation.

Have you read the book already? What drove your wife in this direction? The only things you can do is work on yourself, no extent of reasoning will sway her. Be patient, people have made it out of this I wish u the best.

"Puppy's Short Version, All-Inclusive Advice" for Waylayed Spouses Who Just Got Bombed"

1. Get proof (of whether or not there's OM/OW). Hint: There almost always is.

2. Do either:

2a. Aggressive affair-busting (see Allen A's posts over in Infidelity)

Allen A's Posts

; or

2b. "Set Them Free" (Robx/Gucci approach)

"Setting Them Free"

Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.

------------------------------------

This ^^^ is from my own personal archives. I think what you need to ask yourself is, "Is this a dealbreaker for me?" Are you:

a) Willing to remain married despite the affair, but only if she ends it;

b) Willing to remain married despite the affair, even if she continues;

c) Done with the marriage -- her infidelity is already a dealbreaker for me.

No one can tell you where you fall on that scale, but your telling us what your own boundaries are will better let us help you.

Starsky

The affair that is happening is very real. I know who the person is. He is a coworker. I definitely want to carry on, I recognize that infidelity (even if just emotional) is a symptom of a bigger issue in our marriage and I want to work on that. I know I haven't been perfect and my emotional distance (from her perspective) drove her to where she is now.

Thank you for sharing that link. I am searching through Allen A's posts and I am looking for some more affair-busting techniques, strategies, etc, not finding a lot... any more info?

I think probably I'd be best off setting her free but at this point that's what she really wants the most anyway. Me becoming aggressive isn't likely to fix anything at this point.

I know this sukks, Inc -- I was there too, myself, six years ago this month is when it began. If you want to read up on my sitch (and it's a LOT of posts!), I'll put the links up. I used to go by Chocolateeyes and then Puppy Dog Tails before I was "Starsky."

One thing's for sure, and that's that the weak/needy/clingy supplicating thing DOESN'T work. I guarantee you she doesn't find it attractive, and now is not the time to try to be "speaking her love language" (she'll only see it as "pursuing" -- a big DBing no-no). That time will come later, if and when she ends her affair, and you two are piecing.

I also disagree with what others said on your other thread about seeing an atty. If your wife is actively talking about divorce (and I guarantee you that she has been working on this "exit plan" for many many months), you are ALREADY BEHIND THE CURVE. You should immediately get an initial consultation with a good family law attorney. It DOESN'T mean you have to file for divorce, or even do ANYTHING other than know what your rights and responsibilities and potential threats are right now. Basically, your wife is controlling things right now and she does NOT have your marriage's best interests at heart as she does this!

Go learn more, and don't tell her what you're doing. This is for YOU.

Be civil and courteous to her, but not "Mr. Melty Man" as you start to put together your plan.

Starsky

if you haven't done so already - get "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner Davis (either from a bookstore or the library) and read it.

also, see "Sandi's 37 Rules" in the Newcomers forum. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2250607#Post2250607

regarding Starsky's advice for an initial consultation with a family law attorney - that is an excellent idea. in my case (when this was recommended by others in this forum) I found out that the bar association in my area has an "attorney referral" service, where they will give you a half-hour initial consultation with an attorney specializing in whatever field you need (in this case, family law) for a very reasonable rate. I found this consultation to be extremely useful and informative, and I'm glad I did it. even though I am not planning on divorce, it is important to know what to expect. *knowledge is power*.

Incandenza,

I am in a very similar situation. I am pretty certain my wife also is having a emotional affair with a co-worker and I do believe this is why it was so easy for her to file for divorce. Becuase her "reasons" are very petty and I had no idea it was coming.

I made all the mistakes you made until finally I just came to the realization that "you cannot change or control her actions" . I also decided to move out one month ago. The first two weeks I was gone I was still doing all the wrong things...pursueing argueing etc. I have implemented the LRT and have not spoke with her in exactly 2 weeks. I have only seen one small sign that she missing our previous life together and that was through social media. Although our divorce is still in full effect, I am going to hold strong with this technique and work on myself in the process.

Remember, she is having an emotional affair because WE were not living up to our end of being the best husband we can be....Ans also remember too, As much as it hurts to have our wives lean on another man for emotional suppurt......."its only emotional, not physical" ....Could be much worse.

My advice, GAL, Let her Go, And fix you!!!!!! If it is meant to be she wil be back!! and you will better equipped to be a better husband

m 33
w 32
M 5 months
S 1 month

Originally Posted By: jaytee35

Remember, she is having an emotional affair because WE were not living up to our end of being the best husband we can be....Ans also remember too, As much as it hurts to have our wives lean on another man for emotional suppurt......."its only emotional, not physical" ....Could be much worse.

I truly don't mean to kick you when you're down, JT35, but I couldn't disagree with this any more strongly. "A" some people have affairs even in happy marriages -- affairs have more to do with senses of entitlement, poor boundaries and other, MUTUAL unhealthy marital dynamics as they do with the betrayed spouse "not living up to their end." Yes, absolutely sometimes that is true, and it may be even more than 50% of the time. But infidelity researchers/authors/counselors like Spring, Tupy, Harley, Gottman and others have all reported how anywhere from 15% - 30% of affairs happen in previously pretty healthy and happy marriages.

And then of course there's just good old-fashioned LUST.

"B," a man (and it's always us guys who make this mistake!) take AT THEIR PERIL a position of it's "only" an emotional affair! Ask any WOMAN, and she will tell you that the emotional connection and intimacy is even more important to them than the physical, and that's why women are often devastated when their husbands have an EA, and the poor guy tries to say "But I haven't slept with her!"

I do agree with your "let her go and fix YOU" advice, provided he doesn't leave the marital home. The one having the affair should always be the one to leave, if they feel they can't be together anymore.

Starsky

Starsky,

I completely understand your take on this. I probably should have elaborated more on why the spouse having the emotional affair usually does so.

I do believe the spouse having the emotional affair usually does so not only because thier spouse hasnt lived up to thier expectations but also because its a self esteem issue. And they usually have some sense of need for entitlement and uplifting to make them feel important....or appreciated or whatever..

The thing is no matter why a person choses to do so, it is still wrong and we know that. But it goes back to the fact that no matter what a person does they cannot control nor change another person. Therefore, All we can do is control our own actions...Which in this case should be to GAL, Let Go and fix yourself

M 33
W 32
M 5 months
S 1 month

Wow, thanks everyone.

sometimes they have an affair because they just do not have any thoughts or considerations for anyone else around them. Sometimes they just have poor morals and poor judgements and take the time to blame everyone else for their shortcomings.

My wife is having an EA with a co-worker. I believe it started out as a simple friendship but then grew into a physical affair. I have talked to her twice about it, even going so far as to tell her I have absolute evidence about the affair. She still strongly dennies the affair. I am floored by the lengths she will go though to cover up her actions. This is a woman I have been married to for 30 years and never though in a million years that she would lie so blantly to me. My advice to you is belive nothing she tells you and be prepared for a long emotional ride that will not be easy. Once I found out about the affair I tried to change my relationship with her, telling I was sorry for the things I did in the past and the lack of emotional connection I showed her. We talked, I told her all my thoughts and fears, I opened up to her like I never have in the past, and she still continues her relationship with the other man as if nothing has changed. I'm at my wits end right now and not sure which way to turn. I do know that I have to make a change, I need to start thinking about me and my emotional wellbeing. I think, for me, that I need to detach myself from her and stop beating myself up about whats going on. I see now that no matter what I do she is not going to change and I need to accept that and get on with my life. Not sure what will happen from this point but I have get myself "well" before anything else can happen between us.

Hi, I,

I post in newcomers but read here from time to time. My H has been in EA w OW from work for over a year now (maybe 1 1/2yrs). We have been S for 5 months now.

All I can say is that an EA is a fantasy-based R (at least in part) that until it is played-out (become reality-based) may continue. My H, I believe, is infatuated w OW who is recently D.

I would advise you to look at your part in the breakdown of your M & start (if you haven't already) doing 180s on these things.

You can't control your spouse or their decisions. You have to decide your own boundaries too. If it becomes a PA is this a deal breaker for you? It is for me- definitely.

Try to GAL for your own sanity and survival. The future is unknown for all of us here, so we can only move forward acting as if & living our lives for ourselves (& children).

It isn't easy. I've been M for 17 years & thought we had a happy M. So, this absolutely shocked me. Sounds like it did you too.

Hang in there and good luck!

A man in an emotional affair only, for a YEAR?

Sorry lG, but I find htat quite hard to believe. Do you have concrete proof it's not been physical?

Either way, you need to act now, it's only going to escalate.

Can I ask a question guys? Not sure if this is highjacking, so apologies if so. I am in same sit. H has been in an EA &PA for a year now. he has moved out. I go back and forth with being pleasant when he is around, being accommodating in as far as the kids go. I think he definitely is cake eating. I know I am allowing it. I want to be hopeful. On the other hand, it is so disrespectful to me and my kids. He wants to be "set free" I know can't do anything about him-his choices. Wish I could say leave us alone...can't do it. I don't want conflict...Why are some people so selfish?

"Why are some people so selfish?"

Because he doesn't think that he is being so. Or he is thinking "finally I can hve the life I want!" as if the life he had was like hell. Fact is there really is no answer to this. Only your H knows. If it's bothering you, then you need to establish some boundaries. Not to create drama, but to protect yourself. He will continue to take and take from you until you start putting your foot down on some things.