Need Insight WAS-Affair-Too Close for Comfort - 03/03/13 03:59 PM
I won't post the whole back story, just my present situation which is causing me a great deal of distress and anxiesty.
My H of 10+ years announced he was having an affair and left 4 weeks ago. We have two little boys, 5 and 8. Of course they are devastated and confused, but counseling is in place and they are doing a lot better than they were a few weeks ago. The affair was very shocking to me, and a huge betrayal on many levels.
The problem is that the OW is my across-the-street neighbor and "friend" and OW son was the boys' best friend. He is 8 years old, knows that H is his mommy's new boyfriend and has been sworn to secrecy by OW, he is not allowed to tell even his grandparents. H moved into her house, which directly faces mine. We can see into each other's windows. The boys were very concerned about where Daddy was sleeping and were asking repeatedly where he was. S8 spotted his car around the corner a few times, and after some couples psychotherapy H reluctantly agreed to "move" into my deceased mom's empty house so that our boys would not be so worried. However, the fact is that although he may spend a night there once in a while, he is definitely still staying across the street most nights, and is there every day "visiting".
The boys does not know about the affair or that H is across the street most of the time. They have no contact with their friend, OW's son. The boys' counselor says that S8 is already beginning to suspect things and he will soon know--whether it by seeing H go in and out of the house, or by a neighbor or schoolmate.
Right now S8 is eager to see H, and S5 is reluctant. Up until now neither one of them has wanted to be with H without me and we both respected that.
Because H has no place to entertain the boys, he often comes here. At my mom's there is only the most basic accomodations--no tv, no cable, no internet, very little furniture--a bed, a love seat--that is is. No table, no chairs, nothing.
Sometimes there is really no other choice. For example right now S8 and H are working on his pinewood derby car for cub scouts. The tools, materials, table, workbench, chairs etc. are all here. So they are here. If the boys want to watch a movie or play a video game, that is also here. We are trying to save money which is tight and spending a lot on meals out or excursions is something we are trying to avoid. Probably in the next few weeks he will take them on an overnight to a local hotel. I am not sure if S5 will go, but he might by then.
The problem is that it causes me a lot of anxiety having him here in the house. I can detach and let them do their thing while I keep busy, but I feel uncomfortable in general with the idea that we are still spending time as a "family". I would not leave H alone in the house with them. H will sometimes bring dinner for us to eat here. He is also coming pretty much every single day. This is interfering with our bedtime routine--because Daddy is now a special occasion and exciting--and it's hard to get them wound down for bed. Stressful to rush through dinner HW in time for Daddy's arrival.
I have encouraged H to see them "every day" because they missed him so desperately and it has helped. I am willing to endure this even though I am beginning to resent the weekday visits. H is beginning to suggest that he will take legal action against me to stop me from "keeping the boys from him". This is ridiculous given the fact that I welcome him into my home to see them every day.
I do not want to anger him for several reasons--I want as harmonious divorce as possible (he is pushing for this very quickly--I don't want a divorce at all--but at this point, reconciliation is not an option so I am making the best of it). H has our financial future in his hands. I also want the boys to have collaborative coparents, there is no need for them to see us arguing now, especially since they never really have before.
Okay my questions.
How do I act around H? I am very muted, detached, absent most of the time with a friendly comment thrown in towards the boys once in a while.
Should I be friendlier, more accepting of the affair? Act like it doesn't matter? (this would involve faking it)Act like we're friends?
Would it be better to tell the kids or keep hiding it? I feel like OW and H accomplice and I hate lying to the kids. I will do it as the lesser of two evils (them being even more hurt and confused).
H has already promised that OW will not have contact with the boys indefinitely. I don't trust either one of them. When H begins taking the boys on his own--how will I know he is keeping his word? Do I ask the boys?
I wish there was a way to get him to move elsewhere--to an apartment--but I believe H is avoiding that so as to not sign a long lease. OW and H have plans to be together as soon as D is final.
Should I rush or slow down the D or just let it be?
What is going on in H's head? He shows no remorse, no awareness or acknowledgement of the boys' pain (they only show him happiness, I get all the rest), and just a sense of entitlement to his new life with no regard for the life he left behind.
I know reconciliation at this moment is not on the table. I am still hopeful and believe in miracles and would love for us to someday be a family again with an amazing marriage. Through therapy I am beginning to see that this would be extremely hard (the changes that H would need to make--he has some pretty serious problems)...and my forgiveness would also be very hard. But what is the best way to keep this (rapidly closing) door to reconciliation open?
Sorry so long...I hope someone has some ideas.
My H of 10+ years announced he was having an affair and left 4 weeks ago. We have two little boys, 5 and 8. Of course they are devastated and confused, but counseling is in place and they are doing a lot better than they were a few weeks ago. The affair was very shocking to me, and a huge betrayal on many levels.
The problem is that the OW is my across-the-street neighbor and "friend" and OW son was the boys' best friend. He is 8 years old, knows that H is his mommy's new boyfriend and has been sworn to secrecy by OW, he is not allowed to tell even his grandparents. H moved into her house, which directly faces mine. We can see into each other's windows. The boys were very concerned about where Daddy was sleeping and were asking repeatedly where he was. S8 spotted his car around the corner a few times, and after some couples psychotherapy H reluctantly agreed to "move" into my deceased mom's empty house so that our boys would not be so worried. However, the fact is that although he may spend a night there once in a while, he is definitely still staying across the street most nights, and is there every day "visiting".
The boys does not know about the affair or that H is across the street most of the time. They have no contact with their friend, OW's son. The boys' counselor says that S8 is already beginning to suspect things and he will soon know--whether it by seeing H go in and out of the house, or by a neighbor or schoolmate.
Right now S8 is eager to see H, and S5 is reluctant. Up until now neither one of them has wanted to be with H without me and we both respected that.
Because H has no place to entertain the boys, he often comes here. At my mom's there is only the most basic accomodations--no tv, no cable, no internet, very little furniture--a bed, a love seat--that is is. No table, no chairs, nothing.
Sometimes there is really no other choice. For example right now S8 and H are working on his pinewood derby car for cub scouts. The tools, materials, table, workbench, chairs etc. are all here. So they are here. If the boys want to watch a movie or play a video game, that is also here. We are trying to save money which is tight and spending a lot on meals out or excursions is something we are trying to avoid. Probably in the next few weeks he will take them on an overnight to a local hotel. I am not sure if S5 will go, but he might by then.
The problem is that it causes me a lot of anxiety having him here in the house. I can detach and let them do their thing while I keep busy, but I feel uncomfortable in general with the idea that we are still spending time as a "family". I would not leave H alone in the house with them. H will sometimes bring dinner for us to eat here. He is also coming pretty much every single day. This is interfering with our bedtime routine--because Daddy is now a special occasion and exciting--and it's hard to get them wound down for bed. Stressful to rush through dinner HW in time for Daddy's arrival.
I have encouraged H to see them "every day" because they missed him so desperately and it has helped. I am willing to endure this even though I am beginning to resent the weekday visits. H is beginning to suggest that he will take legal action against me to stop me from "keeping the boys from him". This is ridiculous given the fact that I welcome him into my home to see them every day.
I do not want to anger him for several reasons--I want as harmonious divorce as possible (he is pushing for this very quickly--I don't want a divorce at all--but at this point, reconciliation is not an option so I am making the best of it). H has our financial future in his hands. I also want the boys to have collaborative coparents, there is no need for them to see us arguing now, especially since they never really have before.
Okay my questions.
How do I act around H? I am very muted, detached, absent most of the time with a friendly comment thrown in towards the boys once in a while.
Should I be friendlier, more accepting of the affair? Act like it doesn't matter? (this would involve faking it)Act like we're friends?
Would it be better to tell the kids or keep hiding it? I feel like OW and H accomplice and I hate lying to the kids. I will do it as the lesser of two evils (them being even more hurt and confused).
H has already promised that OW will not have contact with the boys indefinitely. I don't trust either one of them. When H begins taking the boys on his own--how will I know he is keeping his word? Do I ask the boys?
I wish there was a way to get him to move elsewhere--to an apartment--but I believe H is avoiding that so as to not sign a long lease. OW and H have plans to be together as soon as D is final.
Should I rush or slow down the D or just let it be?
What is going on in H's head? He shows no remorse, no awareness or acknowledgement of the boys' pain (they only show him happiness, I get all the rest), and just a sense of entitlement to his new life with no regard for the life he left behind.
I know reconciliation at this moment is not on the table. I am still hopeful and believe in miracles and would love for us to someday be a family again with an amazing marriage. Through therapy I am beginning to see that this would be extremely hard (the changes that H would need to make--he has some pretty serious problems)...and my forgiveness would also be very hard. But what is the best way to keep this (rapidly closing) door to reconciliation open?
Sorry so long...I hope someone has some ideas.