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Posted By: abbey1989 constant reminders - triggers - 02/17/13 08:27 PM
so today ow is on the front page of our local paper. yep it's true. eeek-god! she is freakin everywhere. can't even drink my coffee in the a.m. without being reminded of her. but of course she has it all going on. how can it be that this woman is always in the news? all good environmental/educational crap of course. this was the first year i didn't get even a valentine's card from h. and i found a keyring marked "mail" in h's belongings. not even sure (but somewhat sure) they are still seeing each other. whenever i have asked, he has denied.
Posted By: too trusting Re: constant reminders - triggers - 02/18/13 04:16 AM
abbey, I am sorry you are still having to put up with this.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 02/19/13 05:25 PM
I'm sorry to read you are still dealing with this. I was hoping something had changed.
Posted By: kml Re: constant reminders - triggers - 02/19/13 05:43 PM
Abbey -

Well - do you want to know or not?

If you want to know - hire a P.I. and get the information you need.

If you don't want to know - well, that's a different matter. But just know that you don't HAVE to stay stuck here if you choose not to be. It's a choice you are making.
Posted By: chatterbug Re: constant reminders - triggers - 02/21/13 08:58 PM
some times a typhoon hits when they go on a week long vacation together so you get to read about it and hear it on the news everyday.... You will catch affairs etc... more and more while it is the main focus in your life. Then it will fade again.
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 05/24/13 04:30 PM
"Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practise to deceive!" Sir Walter Scott

Have pretty much confirmed that my H has been living a double life. I discovered that he has a P.O. box and secret bank account. I believe it is due to him helping OW on her new house and a workers comp claim (a carpenter fell off of a ladder) on her property back in June 2012. Previous to this week, the only real proof that I had that he was assisting her homebuilding efforts was public information. He was the person calling the County for this inspection or that inspection.

I am really upset because in looking at just two of the bank statements that I found, $1500 has been paid out. I'm guessing to the injured guy who is not or has ever been our "official" employee.

I am SO upset that this guy who was injured - and I hope he is OK but don't know who he is....and I am worried that he could sue us for all we are worth.

Gosh I am really considering hiring an attorney soon. Never thought it might come to this. But when the savings that we have accrued (from my HARD work at a corporate company for 20 years) is being squandered away. That *ucks.
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 05/24/13 04:31 PM
But the good thing is I have a new little lovable basset hound who give lots of kisses and makes me smile every day!
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 05/24/13 04:33 PM
I think it is time to consult a lawyer......
Posted By: kml Re: constant reminders - triggers - 05/24/13 05:23 PM
Yes, it's time. You don't need his legal liabilities related to secret work for OW, to come back and bite you in the butt. And this sounds complicated - if the guy wasn't "on the books" as a legal employee, how does he get workman's comp? Who is liable - your H, or the insurance company of the OW?
Posted By: kml Re: constant reminders - triggers - 05/24/13 05:25 PM
P.S. If I wasn't going out of town today, I'd meet you for a drink. (((hug))))
Posted By: kml Re: constant reminders - triggers - 05/30/13 06:10 AM
You there, Abbey? What happened this weekend?
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/13/13 08:05 PM
hi KML....been struggling. When I found all of that information in H's briefcase in the garage...I was devastated. He came home that night, and I couldn't sleep. We ended up ML, but not since then. I am working 100% remote now, out of our home office. H mostly is now also. Did I mention that while he was out of work for 1 1/2 yrs. we were living off of savings? He just started this consulting job at the beginning of May. He has started making quite the income, but since I am no longer in control of the $, in fact I don't even have a login to the bank account, I'm feeling very frustrated. BUT...I found his login information and logged on today, and got access to not only the new business account but his "secret" bank account. Before clicking a wrong button and getting logged out, and now can't get logged in again, I found out he wrote a rent check $700 to someone in April. BEFORE he started this job. I printed out a copy of the check. I saw that he has had meals out at places we have gone together (but I wasn't there) All of this has been going on while his parents are here from Colorado. OMG...and I work from home. I love them, they are sweet. I want to tell them that there SOB son is living a double life, and I am going to get to the bottom of it. Guessing he already has his exit strategy..armed with $$, a place to live and his OW. Perfect.

Back to work, but thanks for thinking of me. Just so sad. Hope you are well?
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/13/13 08:17 PM
Oh and I did talk to my favorite DB coach last Monday. It had been awhile, but she suggested that instead of "confronting" I should say something like "I've had an epiphany....you (H) have been dealing with alot of issues on your own, and maybe you have thought that I was too fragile to share with me what is going on...and I want you to know that I am stronger than you think".

Haven't even had that conversation yet since in-laws were here. But seriously is it even worth it knowing what I know now?
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/13/13 08:18 PM
And DB coach advised not to ask any questions of my H where he could lie. Just don't go there.
Posted By: kml Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/13/13 09:07 PM
Ha ha, if his mouth is open, you can assume he's lying.

BUT - about that $700 rent check - what do you think that was for? Because $700 won't rent you bupkiss here in SD. Certainly not a love nest. Do you think maybe he was paying the rent for the guy who got injured?
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/14/13 03:58 AM
Seriously right? But when we have been struggling for money up until May....$700 is a hefty amount of cash with 2 kids in college. I believe there is alot that I don't know about...oh but I will. I just have to be patient.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/18/13 04:23 PM
I am very sorry to read this update. I'm praying for your strength and wisdom.
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/19/13 06:35 AM
awwww thanks nnp1965! Don't know who else to talk to about my sitch so just post here. Haven't talked to friends, relatives, H, anyone.

H travels now....Vegas today, Bay Area tonight and tomorrow, back on Thursday. His work is pretty stressful. I still can't help but think why the heck he has complicated his life so much by doing what he does, but he is a grown man and I'm sure he feels like he is getting ducks in a row or something like that.

I have gone through periods of time where I'm ambivalent, and then times where I feel all is good. I just wonder how many of you out there have been dealing with a spouse who just will not ever admit to his/her affair even when questioned a few times over the course of a few years? Is anyone dealing with a spouse who has been in a longtime 4+ year affair/relationship with another person and how have you handled it? I think if H would just come clean about the whole thing, I could handle it. Whatever the results. Lying by omission and just lying in general just shatters trust.

On the outside, all appears the same. We still gather with friends and family. We still go out together as a couple. But something is "missing". I know it. And now that I have confirmed his deviousness (separate mailbox, bank account, cell phone....and most likely alternate living space) I just feel like I'm a bit in limbo.

Searching for answers or signs from above! haha

Thanks for listening. Sleep well!
Posted By: mkultra Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/20/13 09:12 AM
Wow, thank you for sharing. I have read about men in stressful jobs leading double lives and compartmentalizing their family life from their vacation life. I have not experienced this but my grandmother and mother have had to deal with secret families and long term affairs. I figured this stuff happened in foreign countries and pre sixties! I am truly sorry. I can attest that this has has a long term affect on my family. My father has NEVER shown an ounce of contrition and neither did my grandfather. These men will most likely go to their graves feeling justified in having two separate women to care for! It is immoral and children do not forget. Where is the integrity? You sound so brave and positive. I would listen to your DB coach. Take her advice. Try not come from a place of bitterness and control. Remember to not snoop. In your case, it seems so detrimental because of the money, but you sound like you still want to save your marriage. Remember why men lie: to protect someone they love, or fear, or malice. What do you think? Take care! Keep us updated. Triggers are the worst!!!

PS My exH OW worked literally across the street from my pub where I worked. I drove from the back alley for three years. weird habit. I luckily never saw what she looked like and I may have beat her ass if I did!
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/21/13 09:11 PM
Oh gosh...I guess my case isn't so unusual. Honestly when I think back over the course of our R, even when he asked for my hand in marriage back when I was only 24, he never happened to mention that he had been married BEFORE!! I remember being so excited the day after H gave me the engagement ring and proposed, and I said "I'm soooo excited! I've never been engaged before!...have you?" And not until that moment.....we had been dating for 10 months...did he tell me that he had been married before, and that he was only 19 at the time and he was too young. Hmmmmm when was he going to tell me? I think he has a "habit" of lying by omission.

So...I got access again to his secret bank account today. Printed everything out and the most notable thing that I notice on the surface (although the whole stack of paper is sitting on my desk and I have yet to read it) is a rent check for either $700 or $800 per month going out to someone that I've never heard of. It looks like maybe in September he put a deposit + rent because the amount was more like $1500.

During most of the period since H opened the account in Sept 2012, ....we were having TOTAL money issues (not like we fight over it or anything, but scaling way back on everything, living off of 401k, etc...never in jeopardy of losing home or anything). I wonder if this is rent for the injured person in the Workers Comp case (that I'm not supposed to know about) ...because the guy can't work....or if maybe he is splitting rent with OW somewhere until her new house is finished...Or?? But during this period, H was telling me to "Cancel your AT&T on your Ipod...we'll save $25/mo. Cancel our home phone since we have cell phones...this will save $35/mo. yada yada yada Wow!

So we are supposed to meet friends out tonight. H is supposed to meet me there. I've been trying to stay calm and be a kind person to myself mostly. It is beyond me how someone can do this. Obviously something to hide. I think I'm beyond the jealousy stage by now....numb is more like it.

So yesterday, we were talking about being relieved that he has some seriously good income now, we are able to pay things off, and I asked him point blank, stared him in the eyes, So....you have no other ongoing monthly payments? And he flat out lied. Of course.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/22/13 12:57 PM
oh no... again I am so sorry he continues to lie to you. Have you thought about talking to an Attorney? Not saying you need to take any action, just see where you stand legally.
Posted By: Cadet Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/22/13 02:05 PM
I am not exactly sure of your DB coaches advice but does he think you should have any boundaries at all?

Certainly sleeping with him could be dangerous to your health.

I do not believe continued pursuit is not going to bring him back.

What 180's is your coach advising and why?
Posted By: Cadet Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/22/13 02:08 PM
Originally Posted By: Cadet
I do not believe continued pursuit is not going to bring him back.


ARG where is the edit button when you really make a mistake.

Should read like I quoted above

I did not mean to write a double negative
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/23/13 02:31 PM
Hi NNP...I have and will. I did a little internet searching concerning rights in my state and did learn a few interesting things. Courts generally award alimony for up to 1/2 the number of years married...so for us that would be 12. Also, generally if a spouse hides assets, those are generally awarded to the LBS as well.

Obviously I have not wanted to go down this road and still don't. I think that is why I have put it off for so long.
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/23/13 02:39 PM
Originally Posted By: Cadet
I am not exactly sure of your DB coaches advice but does he think you should have any boundaries at all?

Certainly sleeping with him could be dangerous to your health.

I do believe continued pursuit is not going to bring him back.

What 180's is your coach advising and why?


Did not discuss "boundaries" with DB coach at all. We mostly talked about a stragegy to initiate a conversation about his not offering up his secrets. As far as 180's go, she asked "how do you feel when H comes home after being gone most of the day on a weekend" and I said he probably sees me as sad and moody. So my big 180 is to Act As if and be positive and happy and be someone he wants to be around. She also said that by me acting that way, it further justifies in his mind "why not cheat? she already believes I am so I might as well
Posted By: kml Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/23/13 06:16 PM
Abbey -

How many years has this been going on now?

I do think you have to start asking yourself, what exactly you will have "won" if he ends the affair.

I mean, this is a guy who has lied repeatedly to your face, compromised your family's financial affairs, and ignored your concerns.

If his affair just peters out, do you really think you will be able to trust him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder?

It seems to me, the best likelihood (in YOUR sitch, at THIS time - not suggesting this to other posters) - but the best likelihood of YOUR H doing the work that needs to be done to fix this, is for you to be willing to walk away. He's had no consequences so far for his affair.

Sure, the OW may be getting tired of waiting, or he may be getting tired of her, and maybe if you were super-attractive and flirtatious he would drop the affair. But him dropping the affair without doing the hard work to become a better and more honest person - just leaves you still married to a guy who cheated and likely will cheat again.

On the other hand, if you TRULY call him on all this, back it up with proof that even he can't deny, and make it clear you are ready to walk away - he MIGHT - only might - come to his senses and start some real counseling and work on himself. And if he doesn't? Do you really want to be with a guy who wouldn't fight for you?

Yes, I know all about MLC, and you've been remarkably patient - but this has gone on for YEARS now.
Posted By: GH31 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/25/13 07:57 AM
Originally Posted By: too trusting
abbey, I am sorry you are still having to put up with this.


But she doesn't have to put up with it.
Posted By: Cadet Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/25/13 11:34 AM
Originally Posted By: kml
Abbey -

How many years has this been going on now?

I do think you have to start asking yourself, what exactly you will have "won" if he ends the affair.

I mean, this is a guy who has lied repeatedly to your face, compromised your family's financial affairs, and ignored your concerns.

If his affair just peters out, do you really think you will be able to trust him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder?

It seems to me, the best likelihood (in YOUR sitch, at THIS time - not suggesting this to other posters) - but the best likelihood of YOUR H doing the work that needs to be done to fix this, is for you to be willing to walk away. He's had no consequences so far for his affair.

Sure, the OW may be getting tired of waiting, or he may be getting tired of her, and maybe if you were super-attractive and flirtatious he would drop the affair. But him dropping the affair without doing the hard work to become a better and more honest person - just leaves you still married to a guy who cheated and likely will cheat again.

On the other hand, if you TRULY call him on all this, back it up with proof that even he can't deny, and make it clear you are ready to walk away - he MIGHT - only might - come to his senses and start some real counseling and work on himself. And if he doesn't? Do you really want to be with a guy who wouldn't fight for you?

Yes, I know all about MLC, and you've been remarkably patient - but this has gone on for YEARS now.

Great advice, and even if it is MLC, no one would tell you to be a doormat.

STANDING is not STILL.

MOVE FORWARD.
Posted By: Starsky309 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 06/25/13 06:20 PM
Amen.


Starsky
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 07/02/13 10:53 AM
Hi...thank you all for being my sounding board. No one else to talk to.....I know that my sitch must sound pathetic. So H traveled to Vegas today. His meeting wasn't until tomorrow. Staying at a more swanky hotel than the usual Residence Inn off the strip. He was supposed to have "dinner" with a business partner at the hotel and he is trying to "earn his trust".

Meanwhile, I had a nice afternoon with S22...went to a funny movie and had dinner together. H said he would call, but I realized when I woke up at 2am that he didn't. OH WOW....I called his cell (ring no answer) and his hotel room ("guest not available). Why I do these things is beyond me.

So I called his cell one more time.....and the phone was answered....and it sounded like he was walking or something? Call terminated, and then he called and said he was walking down to the lobby to get a "water" because he didn't want to pay $12 for a bottle of water in the room. Ummmm expense it! Supposed to be a business trip. He is so full of it. Obviously, this was not just a business trip and he had to leave the room to take my call. I am just so over making all of this so easy on him.

So, have spent these early a.m. hours setting up my plan. I plan to hire a PI to find out two important pieces of information. 1) What was the final judgement in the Workers Comp case and 2) The $700/mo rent check - location of rental and who lives there.

Per phone records, H did call an attorney today. Someone who specializes in commercial litigation. (workers comp case from OW's project?) OMG! Freaking out.

So while H is out of town tomorrow, I am going to set up a meeting with an attorney. So scared and alone right now.

Thank for listening.....
Posted By: kml Re: constant reminders - triggers - 07/02/13 11:18 PM
So sorry you are going through this, but I do think you are doing the right thing by finding out some of these things.

And sadly, although the evidence is all circumstantial, I do think you're right about what H is doing in Vegas. Sad how transparent they can be when they're lying, lol.
Posted By: too trusting Re: constant reminders - triggers - 07/03/13 10:14 AM
abbey, sorry you are going through this.

but at least, one way or the other, you will not have to be in doubt. I think the doubt, and gas-lighting, has been the thing that upset you the most, even more than the existence of OW.

I guess you need to decide, what do you feel is best *for you* at this stage. what is your best-case scenario? and if that turns out to be not possible, what is your second-best-case scenario?

it may or may not be what other people think you "should" do. you need to decide what your own goals are - what is best *for you*.

and then use what you learn from the atty and PI to work at obtaining either the best-case or second-best-case scenario.

first define your goals; then map out how to get there.

and if you need to vent, you have friends here.
Posted By: too trusting Re: constant reminders - triggers - 07/03/13 10:59 AM

also, don't say

Originally Posted By: abbey1989
I know that my sitch must sound pathetic.

no, it's not! and don't blame yourself. until now you did what you could, based on the limited information available

Originally Posted By: abbey1989
No one else to talk to.....

I know how that it is! that is one of the main problems with a situation like this, you can't really discuss it with anyone you know.

Originally Posted By: abbey1989
So scared and alone right now.

don't feel that way. we're here even if you can't see us smile

Originally Posted By: abbey1989
thank you all for being my sounding board.

I once heard a story, that when Abraham Lincoln needed to make one of his major decisions during the Civil War - he was getting lots of advice from all sides about what everyone thought he should do. he contacted an old friend from Springfield Illinois, who spent two days on a train coming to Washington. when the friend arrived, Lincoln sat him down and started to tell him all the arguments for and against each option. whether to make the decision one way or the other. and after 6 hrs of Lincoln telling his friend the pros and cons of each option, during which the friend wasn't able to get a word in edgewise... Lincoln said, "thank you, now I know what I will do." and he then put his friend back on the train for the two-day trip back to Springfield.

just talking about it with a sympathetic listener had helped him decide what to do. sometimes you need a "sounding board" to help you organize your thoughts.

Originally Posted By: abbey1989
Thank for listening.....

that's what we're here for! stay strong! smile
Posted By: kml Re: constant reminders - triggers - 07/08/13 04:39 PM
Have you met with the attorney yet?
Posted By: kml Re: constant reminders - triggers - 07/24/13 01:45 AM
How are you, Abbey???
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 07/25/13 07:30 PM
Hi KML,

I haven't....but will. I am no longer in control of money. I need to save up a little stash. I have been in the middle of planning my parent's 50th wedding anniversary party which is next month. It has kept me very busy and distracted from all of my real life stuff. Just got back from a trip to Tahoe with H and D19. Love it there...but H worked just about every day. I know that it is "good", seeing that he hasn't really worked prior to May for over a year, but he even flew from Reno to Tahoe and back to Reno on one of the days for a business meeting. He worked at least 4 hours every day while there, and wasn't very engaging. Even D19 noticed and kept nagging him (glad is wasn't me!) haha. We did kayak, bike and hike as a family so that was nice.

So...just kind of waiting until after all of our east coast company comes and leaves, and the big 50 party is over!

Sometimes I find that if I just sweep it under the carpet in my brain, that I can get through each day, and pretend that everything is normal. Then...from time to time....it all just comes creeping (rushing) back in, and all of those same horrible feelings surface. Not a single day goes by when I don't think about it. So then I try to read uplifting, self help stuff to help get me through.

Our 24th wedding anniversary is coming up next week. I remember posting here prior to our 20th.
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 07/29/13 07:35 PM
Refilled my happy pill prescription today (it's been 2 years). I hope this helps.......:(
Posted By: kml Re: constant reminders - triggers - 07/30/13 01:18 AM
You may need it, but it's not going to change your situation.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 08/30/13 03:21 PM
Hi Abbey,

I hope you parents 50th anniversary party went well. How are you doing?
Posted By: kml Re: constant reminders - triggers - 09/09/13 02:12 PM
JUst checking in, Abbey
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 10/12/13 07:39 AM
Hi friends, thanks for checking in smile Not doing great...Husband moved out tonight. I moved my story to the Hopefulness board. But not so hopeful right now.
Posted By: willbwell Re: constant reminders - triggers - 10/14/13 10:39 AM
hi abbey, I was just reading your posts.our sits are similar. can't stand the lies.
Posted By: Starsky309 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 10/14/13 01:11 PM
Originally Posted By: willbwell
hi abbey, I was just reading your posts.our sits are similar. can't stand the lies.


The "Little Bo-Peep" approach to infidelity only enables and delays the inevitable. "Leave(ing) them alone," only to destroy their family and the family's finances, does a disservice to BOTH the betrayed spouse AND the cheater.

Abbey, I'm sorry for your pain, but you can do far better than this man. Rest, heal . . . and then do your work to figure out how to deal with this if you are ever faced with it again.

Starsky
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 10/14/13 03:11 PM
Oh gosh spent this entire weekend so distraught. H tried to call me all night long on my cell and the home number but I couldn't talk to him. In the morning on Saturday I got up, got some coffee and drove to the beach. He kept texting, and calling but I couldn't answer. I know he was worried. I finally did answer, and he told me he never realized how hard this would be, that he's seen other people do this, but never really realized how devastating this would be to the people he loves most. Kids are devastated. They thought we were the "perfect family".

I came home later in the day on Saturday, and he was trying to reach me and I just couldn't talk anymore. He showed up. We talked. It turns out that the rental he had been paying for was a trailer on a big piece of property in town next over. I told him how hurtful it has been, knowing that he was paying rent somewhere, for something, but not knowing what it was for. So he has been planning on leaving for about a year. He knows he has been hurtful, kept saying sorry......something he never says. I know he is hurting too. When he couldn't reach me by phone later Saturday afternoon, he came over. We talked some more. He said he never realized what it would be like not to be able to reach me. We were so exhausted emotionally, I said I wish we could just hug and sleep. He stayed over. He was more caring and loving (not in a ML way) but nice, than he has been in so long. Yesterday morning, we talked some more. Really talked, and I told him that he has never really shared his dreams with me, and that I didn't realize there were things that he wanted to do in this life that didn't include me. He just wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants. Ride his bike, happy hour with friends, motorcycle rides....and doesn't want to see how it hurts me. I told him that the main reason why I was feeling hurt when he would leave was because I thought he was doing something else with someone else. We talked about OW. He still insists that they were just friends. He said that he was just trying to help her out with setting her up with sub-contractors for her house. I told him that at some point, his helping her out as a friend must have been more important than being honest with me because that is when all of the lies started. And he admitted that he was wrong, and that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me.

We looked each other in the eyes, he loves me, I love him. I told him I wanted to do counseling, he doesn't think the problem is our R, but something he feels inside. He said it sounds cliche, but his age is a factor. Feeling that time is running out. He says that he knows that it sounds selfish. That he wants to get in the best shape of his life, gain back some years so to speak. Be healthy. I told him that I completely understand that, and that I don't ever want to be in the way of him living his life as he wishes to.

So we said what I thought would be our goodbye again yesterday. He asked me not to tell my parents, which made me think that he might change his mind. He felt like if everyone knows, then the genie is out of the bottle so to speak. After he left, I just started throwing things away. Food in the refrigerator. Food in the pantry. Of course having another complete breakdown. I guess he was calling and calling on my cell which I had on silent.

He came back again late last night when I was in my kitchen throw away frenzy. I said that I was sorry and I didn't plan for him to be back and see me as a crying hot mess. I told him that I am grieving.

I gave him his gluten free pasta and said I don't need this (haha). He asked if he could go shopping and make us some dinner. Neither of us eaten since Friday. I said sure. Then, he said I could stay, and move his clothes and things back in....how would I feel about that. I said I only wanted him to be here if he wanted to be here. He said he did, and he started moving back in. He said we'll see how it goes.

Can I say this has been the absolute worst weekend of my life?

Anyway, he has been more tender and caring, not standoffish like he has been for months. I told him he could sleep in the spare bedroom if he wanted, since I knew he wanted his space, but he chose to be with me. And I do want him. I do know he is hurting too. He says he knows that he hasn't been a good partner to me, and that there are so many things he wants to change in his life. He wants to be nicer to everyone. Really be helpful to everyone.

We've both decided to work on ourselves to be more active and healthy. He said he wants to live a vibrant life. And so do I.
So I guess, for now, 180's will be my mantra.

Thanks for listening.
Posted By: Starsky309 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 10/14/13 04:04 PM
Abbey,

It's not your job to make him feel better about his poor, hurtful choices to his family.

I tried to write more, but I really can't say it any more plainly than that. He's looking to have your "permission" to lie and cheat and destroy his family. I pray you won't give him that. In the meantime, I would strongly encourage you to learn a few "truth darts" to deliver to him:

- "I'm sorry, it's not my job to make you feel better about the destructive things you are doing to our family."

- "I've decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair."

- "I love you, and I didn't want a divorce, but I have decided that I need to start doing what is best for me and the kids. There's been a lot of damage done here."

Finally, if he pressed you for what you're going to say or do (and I can see he's already doing that, and it will only increase most likely), say:

- "Honestly, do you REALLY think I owe you an explanation right now? I have a lot of thinking to do, and things to get done, so please respect my privacy in all of this."

He's basically FIRED you from being his wife, and he's ripped apart his family for -- and he ADMITS this -- selfish reasons. It's time to start protecting yourself -- and your children -- from the damage he's done.

It's time to learn the whole "Mamabear" thing, Abbey. Your kids are going to need it.

Starsky
Posted By: Starsky309 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 10/14/13 04:09 PM

And for GOD'S SAKES, no more champagne toasts!! mad

Look, I understand -- I have been there -- we all turned at one time or another to our cheating spouses to comfort us. But you simply cannot do this -- not if you're going to come out of this with your OWN self-respect intact, and not if you're ever going to get your husband to a place in his "crucible" where he needs to be in order to contemplate his own destructive and selfish decisions.

You can't CONTROL him, but you damned sure don't have to SOOTHE him, nor look to him to soothe YOU.

Let him be.



Starsky
Posted By: willbwell Re: constant reminders - triggers - 10/15/13 11:17 AM
hi Abbey, Ive not read your entire thread, but just wanted to share...my h moved out and moved back in 3 times. I allowed it. I just wanted so bad for the pain to go away. what I found is h has not yet been willing to work. I know too he is sad. I know he is confused. but, it has not been enough for him to make any changes. his behavior continues.
I got the same story about "at his age" wanting to do what he wants to do.
Give it lots of thought.I wish I would have insisted on taking it more slow and joint C.
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 10/30/13 09:27 PM
Thank you Starsky.....good advice. Arghhhhhh it is in my nature to be kind, nice, understanding, etc...

Now that this is 2 1/2 weeks behind me, I am still haunted about the fact that he rented his new "place" in Sept of 2012! Holy moly he has thought about this for a long time.

He has completely separated all of his accounts from mine. Bank, phone, everything.

Just in a weird place. He went shopping for me and bought me some new clothes for my girls trip (leave tomorrow) yay. Very sweet....he hasn't done that in a long time. I am beginning to see how my life will be without his income. I don't want to ask for $$ (pride). But we are living together, sharing a bed, but just feels very separate too. Crazy.

Thanks DB friends for all of the support and putting up with my craziness. smile hugs.
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 10/30/13 09:29 PM
Truth darts taken to heart. Thank you!!
Posted By: abbey1989 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 10/30/13 09:44 PM
Hi willbwell,
Thank you for your thoughts. I remember thinking when my H turned 50 thinking that if his biggest MLC was to buy a red 1967 Jeepster...I was so lucky! haha. But........it has been way more than that. Way more than I ever imagined. Life is a journey
Posted By: kml Re: constant reminders - triggers - 10/30/13 11:41 PM
Quote:
He has completely separated all of his accounts from mine. Bank, phone, everything.


Ummm...Abbey? Just what do you think this means?

He's been renting a love nest/escape hatch for a year, he's separated all his finances (could he be hiding other financial misdoings from you?). Just how deep into the sand do you plan to stick your ostrich head?

What reasoning does he offer for separating his finances? Please, please, please protect yourself financially. I've seen way too many women here try to woo their H's back by being lenient about financial matters, and it always comes back to bite them in the butt. You carried the financial weight while he was spending his time working for free for OW and paying rent on his love shack (just think how nice it would be to have that $8,000 in your pocket right now - that would pay for a helluva vacation!). Don't let yourself get scr*wed financially going forward.

Is he paying half of all bills? Are you making him pay you back half the cost of his other place? Do you know how much money he's making now?
Posted By: Starsky309 Re: constant reminders - triggers - 10/31/13 01:32 PM

(((SMH))) crazy
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