I've been married for 13 yrs, we are together since highschool. I was proud on our relationship.
Few months ago he had one night stand . He was driving home from work ,he had a drink with collegues and they were making jokes about sex, and a woman who he knows from work (they had very little contacts with one another) called him on the phone and said that she is driving behind him and asked him something about previous jokes(like guys are not intrested for actions..) and told him to stop his car to show him something .He said that he didnt plan anything,he didnt thought that she planed something but she did.She jumped into his car with a condome in her hand and began to undress him.They had sex for 3 minutes.He was in shock after that he felt sick,he puked,he cried,he cant sleep... etc...I found out the next day ,she texted him I saw it. I was mad,I cant understand why he did it,how he could do this to us .Now he hates himself , he doesnt want to think about it because it makes him sick, he said it was an awful experience although his penis didn think that
He is depressed,he's ashamed, he doesnt know why he did it, why he hasnt stopped her ,he wants to find an answer beacuse of me,us so that we could move on,but he doesnt want to lie me, He told me everything,showed me a place where it happend(i wanted to know), he deleted all contacts,he didnt want to go on his work .....Sometimes He looks to me Like he was raped :-p . I dont know how he doesnt know why he did it,why he didnt stop her game,it looks like he has lost/blocked his memory.He always condemned those who had affairs.
I dont know what to think....
We have good days and bad days when I want to kill him because he hurted me.
We are trying to save our relationship but i cant understand why..???? Is it possible that he doesnt know why ???
I still have feelings for him,but i dont love him like i loved him before. I want from him to get me to fall in love with him again,I want back some old feelings,I miss old us in a way,but I know I will never trust him again like I trusted him before.How to delete pictures and questions in my head,how to move on.
Sorry for my english its not my mother tounge
Lavica, this sounds like a one-time event, and while you certainly feel betrayed, it is definitely possible to move past it. it sounds like he didn't search her out, but she took advantage of him.
I recommend that you read "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. it will give you tools for dealing with this, especially since your husband is sorry and remorseful about it. you might want to have him read it too, but you read it first.
good luck and let us know if you need further help or encouragement!
Thanx for your advice.I read a book but i didnt find a case like ours. I belive him but I dont understand why he didnt stop her game.If I ask something about it he looks like someon died. I told him that I could forgive him if he stopped the game after he sat on him( I belive we would make jokes about that like we always could when something unusual happend,we always talked) but he played until the end and I cant understand this. I have problem to delet this images out of my head
I'm glad you read "a book" but you need to read *that* book. it is called "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. you might even find it in the library, and if not you can get it from a bookstore. it is specifically about affairs, especially in the workplace, and about how sometimes they "just happen" but the situation can be fixed later. she talks about what can cause affairs (not really anyone's fault, except in this case the fault of the coworker who took advantage of your husband) and what you and your husband can each do afterwards to not only *fix* things but also to prevent anything similar from happening in the future, and how to help yourself stop thinking about it. now all this repair is a lot of work and takes time but it is worth it. you and your husband can put this behind you and have an even better marriage than you did before. read "Not Just Friends" and then you will see what I mean.
I read that book "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass and I didnt find the case like ours.He didnt talk to her about his problems,need etc they talked to each other in group with other coworkes and that was it. She obviously finds him attractive,he never thought abot her that way,he feels sick when he thinks about it,her and when he tries to find the answer why he did it.
I want to forgive but I dont know how to forget.i think about us,how we had a great time together,a nd we have it now,but these days although we have good days, in my mind and heart is a dark cloud,Im not completly happy,because I dont understand why he put this dark cloud on our relationship.We are both unhappy and for what ??? And the b.... is having fun outside,no worries ,no regrets
very good that you read the book. actually there are examples there of a one-night stand. and even though a one-night stand can also be a hurtful betrayal, you can remind yourself that it just happened once, your husband didn't initiate it, and basically she took advantage of him. you said it before, it was like he was raped (and yes that can happen even to men). your husband is remorseful and wants to repair the damage. so now you both have a job to do. you should read the parts of "Not Just Friends" and also "Divorce Remedy" about recovering from infidelity. it doesn't matter if your case is different from the ones described - actually the cases described in the books are even more difficult to get over because those are examples of longer relationships where the husband really did have feelings for the OW, not like your case where she took advantage of him and it just happened once. a few guidelines: 1) at first you will go through a painful emotional time but this will also pass; 2) use Michelle's "stop sign" technique when you are ready to put it out of your mind; 3) you can forgive even if you can't forget.
also about "forgetting" - it might not seem like it now, but time does heal. as time goes on and you see that your husband is being faithful to you, little by little this bad experience will become fainter. you *will* be able to get over it. read the books, follow the suggestions, and most of all give it time.
as for OW - don't even give her a second thought. you write that she "is having fun outside, no worries, no regrets". what do you care about her? your husband chose *you*. and she is the outsider that he doesn't want. who has the last laugh?
Thanx a lot,I feel better when I read you answer,Ill try not to think about OW and to move on
What is this" Michelle's "stop sign" technique" ,where can I read it
I'm glad that is helpful. you can find the "stop sign" technique in "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner-Davis. she calls it "thought stopping". basically, when you feel that you can't get thoughts of OW out of your mind - you imagine a big red stop sign and make yourself stop. then get busy with something else, or think of something else. this is on page 205-206 of "Divorce Remedy". but - you can't do this right at the beginning. at first your emotions are too intense and this method won't work. but after some time has passed, you will find it is possible to do.
also - if you haven't read "Divorce Remedy" yet, read it now. a lot of the things on this forum refer to Michele's book. and pay special attention to the chapter on infidelity, because that is what relates directly to your situation. even if the details of the infidelity are different, the recovery methods are still the same.
Have you considered that he was actually sexually assaulted and outside the expertise of this forum. And YES, it can happen to men. Not a lot, but it does happen. I mean if this happened to a woman by a man, there is no question most here would be looking to call the authorities. Not to mention the social stigma attached with this type of assault. Judging from what he said, she was the aggressor.
I don't think Shirley Glass would be appropriate in that situation because it's not an affair or one night stand. It's a criminal assault.
If I would were I would try to get to the bottom of this because if it was a sexual assault, he's going to need a whole lot of compassion as well as professional advice. I'm sure you pulling away would be even more hurtful.
Once you established what happened - he was either a willing participant and was dishonest to you or was a victim then you can know how to proceed. I wish you luck.
It seemed to me and his behaviour looks like he wad sexually assaulted,but his penis reacted and this is why i can think about that like he wad s.assaulted.i friends friend is a therapis said that is possible that someone could be in kind of shock when he was sex.suprised by someone he knew and didnt plan it.I try to understand this situation but i cant understand why he didnt stop the intercourseafter first shock passed,he can explain this:(its frustrat,and sometimes i want to kick ass this ow altgough it not my style
I don't know whether it is a "criminal assault" or whether she seduced him/ took advantage of him/ etc. it seems that he didn't initiate this and the problem is just that he allowed it to happen, i.e. he didn't object enough. partly because (if we accept his story at face value) he was taken by surprise.
but what was, was. the question now is: was this a one-time mistake and is he taking steps to make sure that it doesn't happen again? has he made it clear to this woman that he wants nothing more to do with her? there are additional things that each of you can do to make sure this does not happen again - and that is what is important. we cannot change the past, but we can change the present and the future.
again, see specific recommendations in "Not Just Friends" and "Divorce Remedy".
It happend only once.he tries to do everything to make me happy to earn my trust.after that night he decided not to go to the office there again,he deleted her phone number,he doesng want to see her,he shows me all his calls etc.i didn even ask for all this
The problem is that i think i wont ever trust him like i did before,and he is not a charming prince in my eyes anymore who was always there for me.i would put my hand in a fire that he could not do this but i was so wrong after so many years together
don't make long-term decisions based on how you feel now. right now it is hard to battle the emotions; let them just go over you like a wave at the ocean, and remind yourself that gradually these emotions will decrease (if you allow them to - don't do things that increase resentment).
and if your husband is remorseful and trying to make you feel better, don't push him away or make him feel that his efforts are for nothing. you can tell him that you appreciate his efforts but right now it is hard for you to not feel emotional; and you hope that gradually you will be able to rebuild your relationship as the emotions will gradually subside.
did you read the chapter about infidelity in "Divorce Remedy"?
I don't know whether it is a "criminal assault" or whether she seduced him/ took advantage of him/ etc. it seems that he didn't initiate this and the problem is just that he allowed it to happen, i.e. he didn't object enough. partly because (if we accept his story at face value) he was taken by surprise.
but what was, was. the question now is: was this a one-time mistake and is he taking steps to make sure that it doesn't happen again? has he made it clear to this woman that he wants nothing more to do with her? there are additional things that each of you can do to make sure this does not happen again - and that is what is important. we cannot change the past, but we can change the present and the future.
again, see specific recommendations in "Not Just Friends" and "Divorce Remedy".
I think we are glossing over a HUGE issue here. It seems that both you and the OP seem to want to dismiss this idea because "he went along with it"
Well, guess what. No everyone has the same reaction to these situations. Him "going along with it" might have been his body/mind reaction to the assualt. I mean how many times have women who've been the victim of such assualt "go along with it" and almost no one questions why they did it. Him "allowing it to happen." isn't a problem unless you determine that is actually the case. You can't just assume that he was a willing, active participant because it happened and he's a guy.
I've done research on female to male sexual assault. A lot of guys in that situation just "allow it to happen" But that doesn't make it any less of a criminal act.
And if it was an assault then DB and Not just friends DO NOT APPLY.
The first step is to determine if it was an assault or just a sex thing, as i see it.
Once you decide that then you can decide how to proceed.
Because if you treat it like an affair but it was an assault, it will only make the guy feel 10X worse and possible create lasting damage. Like the trust thing, you say you can't trust him. But if he was assaulted, it's not a trust issue. That'd be like someone getting mugged and you saying to them, "I don't trust you to carry $$ around in your wallet."
But if it was an affair, then DB and Not just friends apply here and can help the women work through some issues. Only if he either admits that he was a willing participant and it was an one-night stand.
I have to buy a book DB,i dont have it.
To Harrier..I dont know what to say,think He said that he doesnt know why he did it,that he didnt think about anything and if he had thought this wouldnt happen.he doesnt remember details when i asked about them,like how she undressed herself,put his pants down,put condom,where he put his hands etc...he didnt kiss her,they just did it .i feel sorry for him but im also angry because we are both now a mess
Im angry because he didn drive home while he was talking to her on the phone,he changed direction like she said and stopped the car,but didnt stop her during the game.i try to put myself in his shoes,but i dont understand.he is a strong man with a lot of confidence.i cant belive he felt to her trick
All I am suggesting is that I think he needs to talk with a mental health professional or clergy. ASAP. I think you do as well and maybe one together to work through this. Get it sorted out first and foremost.
My only advice to you, is do not treat is as an affair instantly just because of the odd circumstances surrounding what happend. It may be he's lying to you on this and I'm wrong. Then in that case DB provides some great tools,
But DB is not appropriate in a situation where there was a criminal assault.
I understand the anger, and feel it's pretty normal. He may have made some mistakes that day, but that doesn't excuse what happened if she acted upon him without his consent. I'm sure he's also plenty mad at himself.
Thanx harrier,you are right,he is mad at himself and thats the reason that i belive him.I have to say that last few weeks our relationship is better,im not angry at him,im sad.im angry at OW
and im sad because we lost something special for good.i adviced him to go to therapis when he was depressed,but he sad that he is ok when im with him,and we are not fighting.and he is really much better when he sees that im not sad or mad and we spend a lot of time together.he said that he will never forgive himself .i want to forgive him,but i cant forget how i felt when i found out,i have pics in my head how i think that happend,and this hurts and from time to time it takes me few steps back
lavica, please get the Divorce Busting book (even from the library) and first of all read the chapter on infidelity. (even if this was an assault, you are still feeling the same things that you would feel if it was an infidelity. so you need to read it.)
then read the pages on "thought stopping" (p 205-206). then read the rest of the book.
it will help you a lot! it will give you tools to cope.
I've ordered a book .;-)
To Harrier,we talked again and he said that he was in a kind of shock and that he didnt do anything(touching her,help her...) he was just watching how she did everything.He said that he was 100% sure that nothing will happen ,and then....he couldnt move he was in i dont know what.
I asked that just to delete pics in my head where i see him horney,touching her... I want new memories for that day
I want new memories for that day
you can do it! it's been done before. look at chapter 6 of "Not Just Friends" that deals with exactly that question. I see that chapter also mentions thought-stopping (which Michele also talks about in "Divorce Remedy").
good luck!
I ordered a wrong book,divorce busting instead remedy,could you write me about infidelity that you mentioned from d.remedy please