Divorcebusting.com

Do they ever come back? Is there hope?

Posted By: notsurewhat2do

Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 12/03/12 04:27 PM

My story is posted in Newcomers. H left Oct 3, I found out Oct 15 about OW, they are now living together. I don't want a divorce, at least not yet. But my question is .. do WAS with affairs ever come back home? Do they ever doubt what they did and decide they want their families. I plan on filing the divorce papers after Christmas, as I promised DD I would wait, but my fear is after I'm finally mentally prepared to file and do it, he'll decide that his family is really what he wants and I'll have to then deal with the decision of either trying to make it work or telling him to hit the road. I know Michelle says every marriage is savable, but is that really true? Can it really work?
Posted By: Nblost

Re: Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 12/03/12 09:17 PM

I may be a bit jaded (okay, a lot jaded)...but, it seems very hard to tell from what you read online and from others.

From what I read online, almost all affairs ended (most within two years when the "sizzle" fades) and most do not turn out to be marriages. I would guess based on other people on this forum and those statistics that a fair amount of cheaters do come back.

From my own experience, I have seen people who cheated come back to their spouses--but it seems like it happens quickly if the cheater (ideally) realizes their mistake and quits the affair.

I think in my situation (and maybe some others on this board), there was something really wrong with the marriage and by the time the person cheats...it's very late and hard to save the marriage. I think that's why many of us have gravitated towards this board--we know we need to improve ourselves and the marriage.

There are a lot of people who have saved their marriages. "Worst case", you work on yourself and be the best person you can be...if your H returns that's great. It not, you will be great either way.

Hang in there. I think I obsessed over finding any and all statistics around "do cheating husbands come back?" about a year ago. This is all very painful but you WILL get through it.
Posted By: notsurewhat2do

Re: Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 12/05/12 04:06 AM

Sounds like good advice, just so hard to do!
Posted By: Snookee

Re: Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 12/19/12 12:42 AM

I'm in that same mode where I'm wondering if there is even a chance that he will quit the OW and come home. He had the chance to do that a month ago due to her throwing him out for being with his wife. It wasn't his choice and he went back. I have totally detached and I'm trying to get through the holidays without him. It's not even Christmas for me. How do I not get a gift for him or a card? This is tough and I'm not going to show him how I hurt. 6 months ago I would have begged and cried. I know better now what not to do. But do they really come back is what I'm searching for.
Posted By: SM34

Re: Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 12/19/12 01:44 AM

Snookee, I am a recent LBS, just 3 weeks into this. I have done a lot of reading of posts on here and it seems that there are no guarantees or rules as to who comes back. It does seem to me though that when the WAS is a man, it seems they are more likely to come back. Men don't seem to like breaking up families and also at some point just 'want that old thing back' if you know what I mean. Women however, seem to be much more hard headed about coming back. Perhaps it is because they don't leave until they are truely done with the relationship.

Work on yourself! You know the deal. New haircut, new sexy style, new perfume, new attitude. You can do it! Men are very much driven by their little friend and so he will notice quickly if you suddenly make all these changes.
Posted By: Snookee

Re: Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 12/19/12 01:26 PM

NiceGuy....that was a good one! I was working on myself and getting myself together and looking good when when he did notice me and we did get together. Too bad he didn't drop the OW at that time too. So when I think about it I have to say to myself that unless he gives her up completely, I cannot just come in and out of his life at his whim.....no matter what his little friend says! I was thinking at my low time that maybe because she has $$$ that she will win the whole prize. I think if I let them be, and this could be a lonnngggg winter, that whatever she has will be meaningless to him when considering everything and everyone. I know that $$ to me isn't everything; that eventually you have to deal with the "person" and no money in the whole world can make you love anyone. Am I clear and am I right? I think so.

Some days I'm good, like today it seems so far, and then other days I'm just sad. For everyone here I hope that people can find peace this holiday season and do like I'm doing....working on me!
Posted By: SM34

Re: Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 12/19/12 06:05 PM

I agree, there are good days and there are bad days. The hardest time is right now! We keep getting christmas cards from everyone with a picture of the couple and their kids and all in love and happy. My wife keeps sticking them to the fridge. In her little world she has found love now and is happy, but doesn't realize that I don't want to see that right now. Or maybe she does and she is doing it on purpose, who knows.

It is also my birthday on Januray 1st and for 14 years I have spent that magical moment of new years with my wife, the love of my life. She says she has no plans with OM yet, but i can just sense that she will not be spending that moment with my this year. So, i will be all alone for that moment! Or, I will go out to some club and hang out with some random girl for that moment =).
Posted By: Starsky309

Re: Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 12/20/12 03:20 PM

Originally Posted By: niceguy34
Snookee, I am a recent LBS, just 3 weeks into this. I have done a lot of reading of posts on here and it seems that there are no guarantees or rules as to who comes back. It does seem to me though that when the WAS is a man, it seems they are more likely to come back. Men don't seem to like breaking up families and also at some point just 'want that old thing back' if you know what I mean. Women however, seem to be much more hard headed about coming back. Perhaps it is because they don't leave until they are truely done with the relationship.



This is very true. ^^^


Starsky
Posted By: Starsky309

Re: Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 12/20/12 03:23 PM

Originally Posted By: Snookee
NiceGuy....that was a good one! I was working on myself and getting myself together and looking good when when he did notice me and we did get together.



Snook,

Am I correct in assuming that "we did get together" means you had sex? If you've let him back into your heart (and your bed) this easily before, unfortunately you've kind of taught him that it's okay to cheat on you, and he can always come running back to you and you'll be eager to accept him back easily.

Do the first part -- look good/smell good/act mysterious -- but then hold strong on the second part, and when he wants back -- (((ahem!))) -- "in," tell him "I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore. I respect myself too much to sleep with a man who's sleeping with someone else." (or something similar)

What are your personal boundaries? Have you given that some thought? What are you willing to risk in order to enforce healthy boundaries in your life and in your marriage?

Tough questions.


Starsky
Posted By: Snookee

Re: Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 12/20/12 08:25 PM

Well thank you Starsky for that advice. Yes you are correct in assuming that we had sex......But I've already made up my mind that he can't have me while he's with her anymore. I plan to do like I did from end September onward which is take care of me, exercise, look good, and don't show him how I'm really hurting. You know, a person does get lonely and that's one of the reasons I was "easy" with him. I also thought that he'd snap to his senses and see that I'm the one for him and not her! What a big mistake that was. With this last episode of him back and not back and back and gone again, well it put me into a real funk; just like he did 6 months ago when he left the first time. He just wasn't ready to come back, being she threw him out.

Now she threw him out twice for being with me. I kind of thought that if he was with me again that she would finally give up her conquest to have him and he'd be out again. Why would a man risk his "new love" to be with the wife? She's got all the $$$ and he's very comfy there. What's that all about??

So I know, it'll be lonely and it'll be a not-so-good holiday season for me, besides spending it with family, but I do have boundaries and will just wait to be intimate with him again. He can't have both of us!
Posted By: Starsky309

Re: Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 12/21/12 03:38 AM

Good!!!! Stay strong. Think about it AHEAD of time, and what you will say, and how you will confidently act. That helps.


Starsky
Posted By: notsurewhat2do

Re: Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 12/27/12 09:23 PM

Thanks Snookee, I'm glad I'm not the only one wondering. Unfortuntely, I feel like my H has waited for things to get so bad within himself that he may never come back. He shows no interest what so ever in me or reconcillation. I'm going to try and wait him out. Holding onto our divorce papers till I feel there is no hope left or till he starts to push. BUT, for me I could not let H back in my bed unless its forever. I can't put myself through that. I'm 42 years old and have had 4 lovers (yes, I had sex with someone 10 years ago when H were seperated the first time and I thought he wasn't coming back.) So, every partner I have had has been a relationship, never a one-night stand. I just can't do it. SO, I don't see myself giving into H unless he is committed to me and our relationship.

I have been buying new clothes, trying to look nice whenever H comes around. Even Christmas morning, got up, washed my hair, put on makeup and put back on my Christmas pj's (not sexy, but practical). We are friends on facebook, so I've stopped sharing "woooh is me pictures or quotes" and started sharing happy things or spiritual things or making fun upbeat statuses. Like the last status was about getting gravel for our driveway, but it was "my driveway"! Then the next step is to start posting pictures of my new bed and home decor that I've been working on. Just little things to show him I'm "moving on" with or without him.

I do think a lot about what him and OW are doing. I really have to MAKE MYSELF not think about her at all. Like Christmas, I wonder what he got her. He didn't get me anything. And I was not getting him anything that would benefit her. So I got him a new head to his razor (yes sorta benefitted her, but he shaves anyways) and DD wanted to get him Sperry's. And I always think about how I will feel if H marries OW. I will be devastated. As I would be if she ends up pregnant. What H doesn't realize is that if he marries OW, he will loss our DD forever. Right now, he has a shot restoring some type of relationship with DD, but if he marries OW, she WILL NEVER forgive him. He will totally loose her. But right now he doesn't care. It's sad.
Posted By: Snookee

Re: Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 12/28/12 08:30 PM

NotSure...yes, it is sad. Especially when there are children. My kids, well the youngest is 19 and I do think that he's upset with the whole thing. Even the adult kids feel the split. Our H's aren't thinking with their brains.
Posted By: notsurewhat2do

Re: Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 01/07/13 04:13 PM

Yes, I would be upset if my parents split up now and I'm almost 42. My whole foundation would be rocked. I honestly think that most marriages can and should be saved. I know some say "I was so unhappy I had to get out". I believe they feel that way, I have no doubt, I've had those fleeting feelings too, but I also believe that if the other person is happy and content, then you have to realize that there is something missing, it's not the marriage persay, but something that needs to be addressed and changed. How easy would it have been for my H to say ... lets sit down, I need to really talk to you. I'm not happy and something needs to change. I need .... 1)more support from you with my dreams, 2)more affection, 3) more attention ... how can we make that happen and both of us happy? Let's figure this out. But for me I believe, sometimes it's something within that person too... I know it is for my H. He is so unhappy with himself, that he won't ever be fully happy, no matter how much he runs or who he runs too.

Agreed, our H's aren't thinking with all of their brains ... just the selfish part or maybe even the sick part. And of course with that other little brain - south of the border!
Posted By: littleGTO

Re: Do they ever come back? Is there hope? - 01/18/13 04:13 AM

Hi, notsure,

I decided to come onto this forum b/c it fits where I'm at. My H is in a very intense EA w OW now for about a year. He claims he is "in love" w her and not w me and that he needs to follow his heart.

He moved out 2 1/2 months ago. I am devastated of course. We've been M for 17 yrs and have 3 boys.

Our sitchs seem similar. My H seemed so unhappy at home for the past year and I thought he was depressed and in MLC and "lost." Since he's moved out he has shown renewed interest in our kids and seems happier somehow...not towards me at all, but like he feels this is the life he needs to have now.

It is so very selfish of WAS to just put themselves first and disregard everyone else in their life.

What do you think has helped you start to move forward w your life? I am struggling to get there or even take baby steps forward at all.
© 2020 DivorceBusting.com