inpain, I'm not sure if you're still around here but I hope you are and that you're doing better.
First of all, chatter's advise about detaching is excellent. I know that I had a hard time fully understanding the concept until I read
this article . I hope it will help you too.
Secondly, I totally understand where you're coming from. There's no way I would have been able to move forward with my then-BF if he hadn't been completely honest with me and did everything I asked of him in order to heal. Not knowing the truth was not an option for me.
I have a friend here who says that people usually admit to one level below what they actually did. Seeing that your H will barely even admit to an EA then I think your gut is correct that he had a PA. You can either assume this is the truth moving forward or you can ask your H to take a lie detector test. Then both of you will know that everything is out in the open or it's a jumping off point for further conversations.
Another thing you can do is put a transparency plan in place. My BF gave me all his passwords so I could check his email accounts and credit card statements whenever I wanted. And check them I did, especially in the first few months of reconciliation. I also asked him to call me when he left work every day so I knew that he wasn't sneaking off to meet OW before coming home. He actually still does this three years later.
He didn't want to go to counseling because we went a couple times while he was having the A and thought the counselor would beat him up for not admitting it before. Instead we worked through the book
Not "Just Friends" and I highly recommend it. It brought up several issues that we had never discussed before and shed light on the hows and whys of behaviors that both of us needed to change.
Yes, I had a hard time being intimate with him at first. I wouldn't let him touch me at all at first and then when I warmed up it was still slow going. I had a couple episodes when I started crying and we had to stop and talk about what was going on. I know I wouldn't have even gotten that far if I didn't know that he was doing everything he could to make me feel safe.
It took a long time for me to forgive him. It was hard and painful and I wasn't sure I'd ever get there. So I understand how hard it must be for you when you don't even sense that he was sorry for how much he hurt you.