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My wife is having an affair with her boss. She has said many times that she has 0 desire to make us work. We have been separated for 2 months now. She says that any romantic feelings towards me are dead now. She says they have been for about 2 or 3 months, i bet maybe longer.

I am still in love with her and just found out about the affair a few days ago by reading some text messages and then asking hr about it. I have been in hell friends!

We have 2 beautiful girls 4 1/2 and 2 and I don't need to tell anyone here what an acute pain this is emotionally.

I am still willing (crying) to have a tiny bit of hope because I think it is worth saving but it seems next to impossible! Bitter in laws (even harsh threats). My wife's career is with her Boss, it is not just a job. I am Christian and any thoughts about hope or faith are welcome. Also if you are not Christian please send any suggestions you have too please! I have not felt so alone in a long time. My good buddy is moving away for 4 years. Right now is rough!

I am literally at the end of my rope.

Any suggestions? How can I get rid of this intense and terrible pain.

One thing I am doing is only texting her so I don't hear her voice and have her send out the kids out the door so I don't see her face. It is so painful to see or hear her!

I really feel like our situation is a tragedy, truly. Now that I am wreathing and want to change it seems all too late.

I am probably rehashing what so many others have said but it makes it no less painful. Any suggestions would be so very appreciated.

Thank You,

one very sad Husband
RFTL,

Hello brother; I'm sorry you are here (but glad that I know you'll get some great support). I do know the intense pain you must be going thru, and as trite as it sounds, it WILL get better, but you are in for a long hard battle here -- mentally, emotionally, legally, spiritually.

Put on the WHOLE ARMOR OF GOD, and strap yourself in. Life just dealt you a great bit chit sandwich, and how you respond to this will be a defining moment -- perhaps THE defining moment thus far -- in your life, and the lives of your daughters.

I'll have more later, but try reading one Psalm and one Proverbs chapter each morning -- it helps.

Is her boss married?

Starsky
Yes her Boss is married with 2 kids of his own.

What a mess.

Are you LDS? I am. Just curious.
What is LDS?

Does her boss's wife know about their affair?


Starsky
Posted By: gman Re: How to heal the emotions from an affair? - 07/26/11 01:43 PM
i am not a pro here - but if he is married, exposure to his wife may need to come into play here my friend. let some of the experts chime in, but in my case the exposure ended everythign between them.

hang in there - going to be a rough one my friend....been there.

gman
My personal belief is that his wife shouldn't be the only one of the 4 affected to NOT know the truth of what's going on, so she can make her own decisions for her family accordingly. But exposure goes against official DB teaching.
Posted By: saffie Re: How to heal the emotions from an affair? - 07/28/11 04:28 PM
I was the bosses W who was the last of the four to know about my H's A. As soon as I found out I managed to put a stop to it.

We had a traumatic few weeks but it was like pulling off a plaster fast......and we have never looked back since. We are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary in Sept......the problems all came out just before our 20th anniversary. We continue to go from strength to strength, ( with the occasional wobble like any long married couple; but we always look to the future together).

I was so hurt to be the last to find out. I felt duped and that I could trust no-one. I had a right to know my H was cheating and I wish OW's H had had the balls to tell me.

However, exposure does not always help and you must be well aware of that. I was lucky in the timing of things in my sitch I think - to be honest I think the A had run it's course as far as my H was concerned and he didn't know how to entangle himself from OW and start working on our M again. I helped him do that. We both accepted our mistakes in the M that had led to my H feeling he needed to seek solace elsewhere. There are two sides to every sitch.

Good luck.
Posted By: saffie Re: How to heal the emotions from an affair? - 07/28/11 04:29 PM
Quote:
But exposure goes against official DB teaching.


Does it? I thought it was all about doing what works.....and different things work for different people. However, I don't think exposure should be done to humiliate or for nasty reasons. I think you have to take each sitch on it's own merit.
Originally Posted By: saffie
Quote:
But exposure goes against official DB teaching.


Does it? I thought it was all about doing what works.....and different things work for different people.



I should clarify, Saffie. It seems to be against official DB message forum teaching. My copy of DR (and I don't have DB in front of me), Ch. 10 p. 193, is silent on the issue, as everything in the chapter on infidelity -- for both the betrayed and the wayward spouse -- seems to be addressed from a point AFTER the affair has already ended. I don't see anything about "What do you do if your spouse is having an affair, and refuses to end it?", other than the "after-the-Last-Resort Technique," which is also silent on the concept of exposure of affairs.

Starsky
Posted By: saffie Re: How to heal the emotions from an affair? - 07/28/11 09:53 PM
Quote:
.............. he didn't know how to entangle himself from OW


Of course I meant disentangle!!!!
Posted By: dbmod Re: How to heal the emotions from an affair? - 07/29/11 01:00 AM
per Michele:

Quote:
A message from Michele Weiner-Davis

Hi Divorce Busters,

It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks.

Additionally, several people have contacted my office feeling that they had been personally attacked for not following this sort of advice. This community was started many years ago and we rarely get such complaints. Confronting others by calling names or pressuring them will not be tolerated. These tactics are not reflective of the Divorce Busting spirit.

Have a great day,

Michele
Posted By: saffie Re: How to heal the emotions from an affair? - 08/01/11 03:35 PM
From per Michelle
Quote:
I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks.


This absolutely nails it. I was lucky in that this was the case in my sitch.

There were some folks on here a while back who were in to 'busting up A's by exposure and were very vigilante about it. I agree this was very harmful. One has to be careful, and not act in haste or spite, and be mindful, if exposing anything, of not only who you are exposing to, but how they may react, feel, because they will possibly be affected by issues from their own past, and by current loyalties.
Sorry. LDS is Latter Day Saint. We talk about the Armor of God in our church as well and I had forgotten it is related to the Bible in general.

His wife does not know. She will unfortunately be the last to know.
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