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I guess my other thread was locked.

I am starting the protection phase as has been advised me countless times on my other thread. Then why I am I more afraid than ever?

- lawyer files and injunction tomorrow so that custody remains the same until a hearing.
...H has been bullying and pressuring to take S6 to his house more often, have gf there with them, etc. I do not want this, never have. My state prefers 50/50 physical custody and this is where our legal separation is set at. But H and I have never followed this to the letter, H only comes over two - three nights per week to put S down to bed and takes him one overnight. He's been verbally and emotionally abusive and is taking prescription meds illegally. For this, and because of S6's age, I want to protect him and keep him in a stable and safe home.

I do not, have not ever wanted a war. But trying to work it out with an abusive bully has made me a doormat, not to mention killed my soul. So I have decided to fight in court. For boundaries sake, we are also filing motions for:
-parenting classes
-drug testing
-alerting the FAA that he is flying on presciption meds that they don't allow
-anger management classes
and the big one will be full custody for me based on his abusiveness.

---because of OW, verbal and emotional abuse, etc...going complete NC is my goal - but may take time to sort out the mediary for child exchanges. Besides that, I will not ...
- talk to him on the phone
- talk to him in person, especially alone
- spend "family time" with the three of us.
- take him off the bank account

I may ultimately file for D as well. This M prob aint going to happen, so I am taking charge of it happening in my way on my time line. Also, if there is going to be any hope of a M, he needs boundaries and consequences. He laughs at me, but he won't laugh at the court.

PLease keep me in your prayers and/or drop me any words of support - as he will be notified tomorrow and served thursday.

I am TERRIFIED of his anger. So, I will have my parents act as intermediary for child exchange this week.
HOORAY! You can do this. You will not be his doormat any more. You have tried everything. YOu can look in the mirror and know you gave it 100%, you have tried all the DB recommended actions plus all the "outlaw" actions that others have recommended on these forums. It hasn't worked. You state all the reasons above why it hasn't worked, so when you are having a tough time with, read what you wrote. Those are the reasons you are in protection mode.

You can do this!
Protection Phase is frightening. I began mine this week as well. I can only imagine how is is magnified with a young child and a drug addicted H.

Facing your fear gives you strength. Remember that. Your H is not facing his fears. He is hiding from them with drugs and OW. You will be stronger for this.

Good thoughts are coming your way from me!
Hope,
Don't stop fighting for what you believe in. I can see you are protecting yourself, and you believe in that. You will be in my prayers for strength and courage.
Well the prayers are helping my PMA at least - the paperwork got held up at the law offices (should have guessed that, eh?) so I have a few more days of calm before the nuclear holocaust...

That said, I'm avoiding him well. ONly conversed by email so far. Monday he was hostile/tense after our parent/teacher meeting at S's kindergarten - tried to engage me, had to drive off.

He's here with S but I'm hiding in my bedroom. Considering getting a lock on my bedroom door for when he's visiting as in the past when I've tried to get away from him and locked the bedroom door-handle lock, he's picked it and burst in!

Meanwhile, I have to continue to work on a document for the court detailing his abusive behavior - painful, but very good way to build inner strength and conviction for protection!
Did you call the police when he was violent with you before? The court usually needs official documentation like that. Even if you didn't press charges, having called is at least something.
For what it's worth, I totally think you're doing the right things, Hope. I wish I knew something to tell you to m
When he was physical wiht my son, I went to the police dept and talked with an officer for 1 1/2 hours. He suggested I do not file a report. I did not. I have called the police but always retracted it. I did not want to "do that to my husband." I still struggle with these same feelings now as I face going to court for custody.

Freckle - thanks. He has not been served yet. I am working on the supporting documentation for my request.
Hi hun, so pleased to hear you are taking some action to protect yourself agaisnt H, Im now back on the board so will be able to keep up with things, huge hugs hope you and littleun are well?
Met with a legal advocate at the Local ABused Women's Center. She gave me some pointers on what to expect in the legal process. I never belonged on DB - my M is an abusive relationship. I feel like I"m living in an alternate reality - how did I get here?
H4L its not like you chose to be in an "abusive marriage" H changed it into one..

Hugs it cant be nice gaining the clarity that you are finding but at the same time its all moving on.. you have grown so much in the last eighteen months, keep looking forward to where you and little S are going..
Even MWD says abusive situations are different.

Be strong. Abusive men are bullies. He only has power over you I you believe he does.
Originally Posted By: JinBK
Even MWD says abusive situations are different.

Be strong. Abusive men are bullies. He only has power over you I you believe he does.


H4L, sounds like you are doing all the right things. Keep up the good work.

Jin, I missed you. Been wondering how you are doing. Did you start a new thread?
THx everyone. I'm going over my entire line of threads for the past year - what an eye opener. I"ve been pretty PTSD all day - just a panicky, high-alert, highly sensitive freak out under the surface of it all. And reading back, I see why. It all makes sense now. No matter how much I empathizedw ith him, tried to see his side, give him the benefit of the doubt, work to better myself, it was days upon days upon weeks upon months of being verbally assaulted.

I realize no matter how broken I feel I must protect my son. He is such a ray of sunshine, he holds a lot of it inside. If I feel this awful under the surface, how does he feel?

The guilt I feel fighting for more custody is less than the guilt I have for not protecting him from his father's temper sooner. It was selfish of me to want to save my marriage while he was in the middle of so much rage and fighting.

I know he misses his dad, but he'll be better off in a clam environment where he gets a lot of attention and concern for his feelings.

Tonight I must outline my case, the way the abuse has progressed and affected us the past year +, and basically stand up for myself. Then the Lawyer will get it next week, fix it up, get it to the court.

Wish me luck it's terrible to have to relive all this stuff but good for me to put it on paper.
You did too belong here. How else do you think you got to a stronger place within yourself to be able to look more objectively at your R and see the abuse?

To be honest, when I started coming back here (to piecing) and read your first thread there, I was a bit horrified with what you described of your H. I would remind myself that we all have crucified our spouses here over stuff they have done to us (or we wouldn't be here to begin with), and that I couldn't just go off the bad stuff you posted just like I knew there was all the sides to my H that were different than the one that walked out on me.

I'm very glad you're seeing that the way he speaks/spoke to you is unacceptable a million times over. You don't make him like that. I don't care what you have done or said to him, there's nothing you can do to justify some of the stuff he's spit out at you.

Hang in there. I think about you every day. We're here behind you, ok?
Freckle, I am so glad to hear from you tonight! I was thinking of you all day. I am going through all my db threads as a record of what I have gone through the past year + - to write my request for an injunction with the court - and there you were, along with Rabbit, rr, Kalni, Alice, Laurah Oh and others faithfully supporting me, always responding, always helping.

I can't thank you enough - I have tears as I write this.

REading back I too am horrified. I can't believe I couldn't get objective enough to see what was going on - and it must have been really hard for you all to read my threads day in and day out. However, you are right, I see progress throughout, a slow building strength and perspective and all because I had my DB "team" out there, you as one of the longest standing.

I can't thank you enough for all the support you have given me and how you never stopped caring and writing. I only hope someday I can return the support to you or someone else. I wish I could meet you and give you a big hug.

Well back to reading the threads - I have to sort out patterns, specific dates of bad abuse, and state my requests. It's slooooow going but I will have an outline for the lawyer tomorrow or the next day and they can write it in formal form.

Even if I don't win more custody I at least have had the chance to look over my life of the past year and realize I have been abused. I don't know why I don't believe it half the time. I can see the pattern and start to build a new life where I tell myself every day I deserve better and being independant is better than being yelled at. I can start to build healthier boundaries.
H came over and criticized me again this morning.

I guess there was revenge for yesterday. S6 was resisting this morning – having tantrums and not wanting to eat, brush teeth , get dressed, etc. WHs tands there and and starts using a “sensitive voice” “what’s the matter buddy?” and stands there and doesn’t help. Has a sneer on his face. Says “When he’s with me everything is fiiiiiiiiine. I don’;t know what’s going on here.” I felt insulted. I clammed up before I defended myself but I let a zinger slip “That’s because when it’s with you it’s Disney Dad syndrome.” And he starts going on at me but I walk away.

Yesterday he was mad because S was telling him he was tired and H insisted on taking him 20 miles away to an apple farm. I started to ask S to comprimise with dad, WH tells me to stay out of it. I ask H to show me that he's listening to S and comprimising and he refused. He also refused to tell me when he would be back with S. So I basically held S until H would agree to be home by dinner.

And of course they were home by 3:30. So this morning was my punishment for that.
Ps this all got in the way of my NC plan. I wanted to have S ready for school so I could be in my room with the door shut when H arrived to pick him up.
Yesterday I broke my NC rule because he was scaring me by being vague with the schedule and did not solidify through email.

Darn. Back to the drawing board.
Its OK, 2 steps forward one step back.

Pick yourself up dust yourself off and start again.
Hey Hope! You sound amazing and you are right--the abusive marriage just CAN'T be saved--I am as "dark" now as possible with my H--won't speak to him, won't eat what he cooks, etc. He complains like a whiney baby I don't "talk" to him--oh well!!

I am having a ball GAL. I have some scared moments with the D and lawyers and all, but overall I know I'd rather be homeless than deal with this nonsense any longer.

Stay strong and do the right thing for your precious S 6!!
Hi H4L! Yes I have a new thread. I think I saw you on there.

Have you been able to find a way to keep your WH out of the house when he picks up your S? You need this to happen ASAP.
IT's what I struggle with Jin. For one, my son is small and I want him in his home, not carted around. I do not wnat him having overnights at his dads although I have negotiated one night per week with his dad. I'm going back to court to fight for sole custody with father's visitations supervised.

A lot of people dont understand me on this. My WH is verbally and emotionally abusive. A couple times last year, I caught him being physically abusive to my son (grabbing him, pinning him down out of anger, refusing to acknowledge sons' tears and screams of pain - but this scared me into thinking it may grow worse with time) I started supervising all his visitations at my house. Then we were in MC for a few months and he appeared to be working on his anger issues, so I felt safe leaving for a few hours to protect myself as long as son was at home.

After a year of the abuse, I cant take it I suffer great anxiety and depression over this. I'm getting help and I am keeping my NC as much as possible. But always protecting my son and supervising my H's visits has been my first priority.

If I can convince the judge to only allow for supervised visitation, or at least for S to live FT with me, then I'll be able to leave during his visitation and protect myself.

My state wants 50/50 physical joint custody so this is going to be a hard fight. I'm doing it anyway because I feel so strongly the need to protect my son, whether I can prove this need to a judge or not.
H4L just saw your lovely post on my thread so Ive copied my reply on here so you dont miss it!

Wow H4L I never thought of it as being anything but a pleasure x

Having learnt not to be queen of the panic button it only seemed fair to pass the secrets on, and being able to share with you helped me to realise how much I had managed to change and what good things had come out of the changes..

You have come so far yourself and its been a privelege to watch you grow into the woman that you should be! None of us could ever have realised how manipulative your H was going to be but at least you have the peace of knowing you tried, you grew and now you are moving on.. So so proud of you hun xx
thx rabbit - i cant thank you enough. you really got me through the worse of it. I iwll never ever forget that and consider you a friend for life!!!

so I got served - not with divorce papers. With a "motion to modify custody" - which by the way was what I have been drafting with my lawyer to serve him with!! H just got ahead of me by a couple days.

In our legal separation agreement, basically we have a 50/50 physical custody agreement, but H has never followed it. It's been more like 90/10. So I'm fighting not only to "keep the status quo" but actually full custody.

Trying to look at the bright side, he was going to have to respond to my motion anyhow, now his cards are on the table and I know what I am dealing with, what to bring up, etc.

Honestly, what was holding me back was I didn't want to "pull the trigger". Honestly, I did not want to put into legal writing all our dirty laundry. AFter all the emotional abuse, I was still terrified of him, what he would say about me, of the court not taking me seriously. And, I did not want to do that to him. I did not want to be an a$$ to him. I felt/feel sorry for him. It's too bad. In a way, I was doddling because I just felt awful being the one to start the fight.

So he started it, I can't let my fears stall me. Got me jumpstarted. No more guilt, finally, all the statements of why I want full custody are flowing out of me - all the memories of his humiliation, manipulation, lies, insults, etc. I can finally write them out.
Here you are!

Lost track of you for awhile there!

You sound so much stronger than a while a go Hun. I am thrilled to see that.

I cannot wait for the day when he has no more effect on you at all and you are embracing and enjoying life... you deserve it. smile
I have thought of you often, and all the love and support you gave me. I appreciate you finding me and checking in. I'll have to catch up on your thread. I'll never forget all the support and inspiration you gave me - and still do!

I am strong, for once I did not flip out. I calmed down and wrote most of my rebuttle in 24 hrs. It was all in me, just needed to come out. His declaration was very tough to read, but I had my parents there with me...it was full of lies and accusations. Cruel in fact. But why do I continue to be surprised? Still recovering from how manipulated and led on I was, now more lies. But I handled! I stayed calm and took action. When I saw him today I was calm as a cucumber and acted like nothing happened. IT was SURREAL.

I'll drop it at the lawyer's tomorrow and get advice. I feel a strange blend of my usual panic and dread with intermittent moments of relief - like there may actually be light at the end of the tunnel!
I am so proud of you!
That must have been so hard kiddo but you dealt with it! Im so proud of you a year ago this would have kicked you to the kerb, instead you have come out wanting to kick him instead.

Ok so he beat you to it, but it will only go to show what a sleaseball he planned on being all along, so more power to your elbow!

Hang in there this isnt going to be pleasant perhaps you need to post to Mindful she will give you tips on feeling the fear and doing it anyway!
Rabbit is right (as usual... lol). How you are handling this is a sign of how far you have come.

What I discovered is that as you take each next step... as you face each fear and overcome it... you find out not only how strong you are, but that what you feared isn't as bad as you thought.

Each step brings more strength, more growth.
I get it H4L, I do.

Keep being tough. With abusers, get it ALL on paper! It's not dirty laundry, he's been breaking the law by abusing you and your S. Stay strong and don't let him do this to you or your S!

But it sounds like you're doing good! Keep it up!
Thank you soooo much friends. I have come a long way, but because of your support and help!!!

I finished my rebuttle. I remembered that once he told me that police phone calls would be useful to him during a divorce. Well, he has them, and he used them.

I am not innocent. I fought back when abused. Of course I did that and he calls me crazy.

And I was. Thank god I"m getting saner. I wrote a response to every account he laid out and showed how it was not one way. I also recounted plenty of crap he did to me during our marriage.

I feel relieved that I have overcome one fear. I kept silent this past year out of fear of him bringing up the police phone calls he made during our arguments. And I get to finally voice what really happened and how awful it was on my end and for my son.

Who knows what the courts will say. I don't know how seriously they take verbal abuse. But his statement was so full of lies and grandiosity it made my stomach turn. He may not listen to my side or my feelings, but hopefully a judge will. I overcame my fear and put it all on paper according to HOPE!

Hopefully he will get served tomorrow. I got an email from him today saying he wanted to take S from WEd evening through fri afternoon. The lawyer advised me to not respond to him and to not allow him to do so. I can't tell you the relief I finally felt feeling like I did not have to respond and cave to his bullying for once!!! I'm still scared he'll try to take S tomorrow night if they don't serve him. But my dad said he'll be here as back up for H's entire visit (it's usually H's night but he visits at my house and puts S to bed).

There will lots more steps ahead that scare me, but I am feeling stronger and like I deserve to finally have support and be believed that this relationship has been abusive. I have reacted very badly in the past but Rabbit knows how i've worked on ODP and not reacting or blowing up in response to his manipulations, his lies, his meanness, his selfishness.

I finally do have hope - not of my fantasy reconsiliation - but that my son and I will WIN and be protected from years ahead of more abuse and coersion. Pray for me tomorrow and Thursday please. My little boy deserves it!!!!

Love to you all!
PS NC is in full force because now that he filed a motion, I can with clear conscience say "Talk to my lawyer". I don't have to talk to him any more! YAY!

And I went out last night and was sitting there with two very nice men who were interested in me. Hah!
Ironically ODP is now paying off in a different way! Instead of getting H back it has now given you ammunition to show that when you try to negotiate and keep things sensible H just made life worse and bullied and lied to get you do things he wanted.

Glad you went out and enjoyed yourself, good for you, you and titch are always in my thoughts and prayers, will keep everything crossed as usual
x
I am so glad you are getting the much needed relief from interactions with H... and to have a valid reason for NC. You must feel like a drowning woman who has finally come up for air! I am just smiling thinking of how good this is for you my friend. smile
Oh thanks gals. It's been a weird couple days. For once I did not cave to H's pressure the lawyers told me I have every legal right not to let S go to H's apt. outside our regularly agreed upon times. So I refused his emails, forwarded them to my dad. When H came here for his usual visit tonight I had dad by my side and H was sweet as pie. I did it. I was terrified but it was ok.

Lawyer still working on my motion. It's going to be a big package so she doesn't want to rush things. She is on it and very responsive to me. I am relieved to have this support and not be bullied into things I don't want anymore.
OUTSTANDING!! Well Done! This will get easier for you over time and doesn't it feel good! Keep it up
GW - great to hear from you. I hope all is well with your family and that your W is committed to the M!

I'm down again today. The lawyer basically said that we can request anger management and parenting classes for the Big Bully but that ultimately my state is going to want S6 50/50 with both parents. I am devastated at the thought of being with my son only half the time. And I'm scared of H's temper. I just feel like he's going to have power over me one more time because the courts do not prefer the child to have one main home or stay with mom.

I am also terrifed of money. I have never had full time work and have few job skills. I have only two years left of alimony and then I have to figure out a way to keep this house or sell it. That means this at home mom will be working ft and that means even less time with my son.

I'm feeling not only abandoned emotionally by WAH, but I'm feeling really devastated that he is destroying my life like this - possibly losing my home and my son half time.

Giving up the financial security is one reason I never wanted to leave H, even given the problems in our M.

Also the lawyer said emotional abuse is very hard to prove in court and the court is very cautious with labelling a person that way. She said maybe he is only this way with me (abusive men usually are) and so Ding him and letting him take S away from my home is a better idea. I just felt misunderstood, and not supported. I felt like I have for years, that nobody understands or can help me. I felt like no matter how abusive it may seem in my M there is no recourse for justice or protection. I also felt like she was saying "once everybody calms down and moves on it will all be better and so will your son." Well that's true in some ways. But if he's angry, controlling, and abusive, then that is how he is with or without me. I felt blamed again.

Then I got really hard on myself. Questioning, as I always have "is this really abuse? is it my fault? Am I creating a monster? By engaging with a rageful person haven't I been guilty of creating more stress for my son as well?"

Steps backward tonight. I'll recover. Just down and fearful.Feeling lonely. Missing the early years when H and I loved each other so much, travelled the world, had hopes and dreams and plans for the future of our family. I hope one day I can get back to believing that leaving him is actually a better option but right now I do not.

Thanks for all your words of support. It means the world to me.
Hang in there honey, this will all pass! Only a case of the bad wobbles which is totally understandable bearing in mind how strong you are having to be just taking H on!

Perhaps your lawyer is only voicing her hopes for the future that it is only you and H that bring out the worst in each other and that when every thing settles down and is officially set in stone it will get better! Well only time will tell on that one..

Anyway time is much better spent teaching titch to deal with his dad, I have a very overbearing father so quite early on I had to help my lad learn to stand his ground without being rude. Bullies can often be manupulated! Yes its what they do to others but funny enough they dont often see it when its done to them.

Its important that titch knows he can talk to you about anything keep that open freedom of conversation going, dont let it get to the point where he feels he cant talk to you about dad because you will go off on one or get sad! He is only small now but if he feels he can come and say "mum, dad keeps getting me to do blah and I dont want to, how can I deal with this" you are on to a winner, not only are you teaching him dad skills but he wont get into feeling how you do now because his skills of dealing with people will give him confidence!

If you need any help on this front give me a shout!
The big problem here is that there are no police reports about your H's abuse. This I do not blame you for - I understand how this works. You said the police talked you out of pressing charges. They do this a lot. It pisses me off. My stepmom has worked most of her life in Family Law and with domestic violence situations, so I have a good understanding of what happens.

Anyway, if you have to give your H shared custody, I would keep a close eye on your S for bruises and listen carefully to what he says. If you can, photograph him before he goes for a visit, then after. Call the police immediately if your S says something about H hurting him or if you see any strange bruises that aren't from normal little boy things. Don't let them talk you out of pressing charges.

BUT it does sound like you are doing very well! Keep it up!
Thank you as always LR.

Jin - what a shock - about the police not being on our side. H actually had told me that he called the police on me anumber of times so that it would help him if it came to D. I never ever thought that way. I can't believe someone would manipulate the justice system to get what they want (and then yell and scream at me for even bringing up calling the police on him when he's really bad).

I guess I regret not calling the police when he laid a hand on S. I am so dumb. I protect him and protect him and set myself up to be powerless. I need to wise up and quick! I cried all day the other day to realize that the man that I believed I loved and that loved me is so manipulative, controlling, mean, hurtful. I have just not wanted to see it. Now I do and it's a true shocker.

Yesterday was a perfect example. h wants to keep his stuff here because he "owns half the house". I told him I'd ask my lawyer. He threatened "Well I don't have to keep you on the health insurance but I do, so ... we need to have a constructive dialogue (lawyer term) ... I don't want to start a war..."

Well he had me served, thats' starting a war. Making threats is starting a war. How can I even deal with this?

By keeping my mouth shut. I kept saying I don't want to talk to him except through email, talk to my lawyer, etc and he kept trying to engage me and I bit.

Next time I need to walk out of the damn room!
LR - any tips at all on dealing with bullies highly necessary at this time. Please enlighten me!
Hope, I am so proud of you...you are taking wonderful steps for yourself and your son.

I really recommend that you read this book
http://www.amazon.com/Helping-Your-Kids-Divorce-Sandcastles/dp/0679778012
You are going through such a tough situation, especially with respect to helping your S. I think the book will give you food for thought in terms of aligning yourself with what's best for him. It's hard because increasingly you are going to have to split your thoughts and relationship with your WH. You have a relationship with him as your WH, but he is also the father of your child. The book can help you understand your S's POV, and what steps you can take to create a new future for your S.

It must be really hard to hear the limitations of how the law will support you in this situation. My hope for you is that you'll be able to concentrate on what you can control, and let go of what you can't control (and even work on accepting/embracing reality). That is the road towards sanity, the road that you're courageously walking down every day.

I admire you very much. I know that you are dealing with a very harsh reality and it's great that you are gathering allies around you as you are doing this.

I still feel sad about what divorce means for my children and for me as a mother. But I don't feel sad for me as a woman. I am so much better off now. GAL isn't *getting* a life any more...I have a life and it's getting better every day. It is 100% amazing to experience being with men who appreciate and enjoy me when I'm used to rejection and contempt...for years. And I am dealing with life stuff too, like being a grownup and figuring out how to be financially independent. I know how scary it is...there's a lot of anxiety for me there.

YOU CAN DO THIS HOPE!!
Thank FM - how wonderful to hear from you again! Your support always means so much to me.

all these things are normal parts of D. I'm no longer interested in H unless he can admit his drug use and his abusive nature.

But that is what scares me. He knows how to manipulate the system to look squeaky clean and I know he is dangerous for my child. I don't know how to protect him any more.
The truth is that we can't protect our children from everything. Some of mothers have to let go a little bit, other mothers are raising their children in a horribly unsafe world. You're living somewhere between the two extremes.

My guess is that if your WH is determined to get 50% custody, he will. Your state is similar to where I live, where fathers who have far more serious documented abuses than your WH still get 50% custody. The cost of fighting a battle that you're going to lose includes money, life energy, the price your S6 would pay, and goodwill from your WH who will be coparenting with you. Sorry I can't offer you more encouragement about this...I wish I could. That's just my understanding of how things work legally in jurisdictions where the 50/50 model is firmly entrenched.

(((hugs))) You're in a really hard place but you can hold your head high knowing that you're doing the best that you can.
well he's getting served next week with my declaration that he have anger management, parenting classes and no overnights until they are completed. He is going to have to prove the court that he's a fit parent and that he's clean from drugs if I get my way. It's worth the fight for me. He's taken everything away from me (i'll probably lose my house) he's not taking my son without a fight.
ps I have no goodwill from my H. He is determined to humiliate me and beat me down every chance he gets. I'm tired of playing nice and getting abused as a result.
H4L I'd say your biggest problem atm is that H uses "I own half the house" as ammunition to do as he pleases!

My answer to that would be "you left the house, and even though you own half of it, you do not own me and do not have the right to terrorise or manipulate me"

I'd certainly back it up with "if at any time I feel scared or threatened I will call the police and believe me I will press charges"

Keep your sentence short and look him straight in the eye, no head cowering as he will then get worse. Dont step backwards when he comes towards you, he is trying to intimidate you, if you need to walk away, walk forwards towards him and past him.

Hope those help if you have any specifics let me know and I'll see if I can come up with some thing..

Hugs

x
Hi Hope,

I think you need to focus on your priorities right now Hun. Your well being and the well being of your son are what matter. If you lose the house, you lose the house. It is not the end of the world and you will find a way to be ok. I know it must be so hard to know that you can't fully protect your son the way you want to as a mother. Focus on strengthening your R with your son so that it is rock solid. Have really strong attachment and communication with him, so that he will tell you if anything happens that shouldn't. Then document it. Create a safe and loving environemnt with you and he will have one safe place in this world as a model for how things should be.

You are still doing such a fabulous job getting through this.You are going to be just fine!
(((Hope)))

I love what you wrote Rocked...good advice.
THanks ladies - my old gang is back just when I really need you - how can I thank you for all your love and concern and great advice?

LR - I love what you wrote. DO you know how messed up I am? It never even occured to me that I could stand up to him like that. I am so used to him smirking, laughing at me, ignorning me that I've stopped even feeling like I could tell him he's terrorizing me. Just knowing how I wont be taken seriously stops me but why not? It's true.

But get this - yesterday when I told him I'd talk to my lawyer about him when he said he was keeping his stuff here...he threatened to take me off the health insurance. So yea, he's using that to manipulate me.

RHW - after a sleepless night last night over losing my house, I am feeling better. I guess I could refinance and I still have two years of alimony so I'm thinking of going back to school for some job skills (I have none!).

Really I"m just back in a depression and it affects me by having a negative outlook like I can't see a way out so there is no way out. I have to work on getting H out of my head - all the hurtful, insulting things - first I'm just in shock as I come out of denial at how horrible and vicious the man I love has been, and secondly I have to find a way to have self esteem after being so beaten down so long and believing him. This is the best I can do for my son as well is start feeling better about me. Right now I feel like the most pathetic, rejected loser on the planet so I have to work on that. He will feel safest if I am secure in myself. And when dad barges in with his horribleness I have to bounce back sooner and be there for S.

FM - thx for the hugs.
H4L - stop the nonsense about pathetic. I can't think of a single person I've read about on these boards that has put up with more and not only survived it but grown from it. We all have good days and bad, the key is to make the bad spells as short as possible. Remind yourself of where you were and where you are now. If you have made through all this, you can overcome ANYTHING. I truly believe that.
Tell your lawyer about his threatening with the insurance. She can file to stop him from removing you until the divorce is final. You are also eligible for COBRA through his insurance when you are removed from his policy after divorce. That is a federal law and you can pay for coverage through COBRA for up to 3 years. He's bullying you plain and simple. He can't just drop you without you knowing.

I know the money stuff is terrifying. If you had a full time job, could you afford the house? Do you want to stay there or maybe you'd like to start over in a place that is just yours? With how your H is, if I were you I might want to live somewhere else because he seems like the type to always think that place is his.

Focus on what you can control. Custody and visitation is fluid and can always be changed if the situation warrants it. Your S is old enough to tell you if H mistreats him. Just keep an openness with S so he knows he can come to you if anything is bothering him.

Stop beating yourself up. H is making you abuse yourself when he can't be there to constantly do it. Hugs.
Even a barely adequate parent is better for a child's development than no parental contact at all - unless that parent is abusing a child. I have a little bit of experience with child abuse issues, so here is a little advice that I hope helps...

If you have not already done so, look into getting a court appointed advocate for your child. In my area we have an organization called CASA. Accusations of child abuse can get thrown arround a lot in divorce court, os a child advocate's testimony will have more sway over a judge's decision than you will.

Don't be afraid to call child protective services for advice and recomendations. They really do try to keep families together and can help you make a plan to ensure your son's safety. If you can not get ahold of someone there, try calling a foster care shelter. Child protective services are often overwhelmed. You can't afford to get lost in the shuffle.

Document, document, document! Photos, anything in writing, written and signed eye witness accounts, all of this can help you make your case. Remember to stick to concrete facts though.

Remember that in cases where a child is in danger from a parent, the child custody arangement can change, even after a divorce is final.
My psychiatrist recommended calling CPS on my H but I was scared that they would take S6 away from both of us. I do not know if they will help or hurt. Meanwhile, I have been advised to seek child counselling for my S. A six year old is not able to verbalize what is going on very well, we are dealing with acting out, which is difficult to interpret.

I have written journals of everything my H has done in the past year and a half. I have some testimony from my parents but my neighbor, who has witnessed some things, is unwilling to get involved. Besides that, most things happen behind closed doors. The abuse is emotional and verbal mostly with a small amount of physical that happened 10-11 months ago (too long ago for a restraining order).

We have mediation set for one week from tomorrow.Any other advice on that is welcome.
AFter a fabulous 10 days of NC/dark, my H comes over to trick or treat with S and I. Everything feels "normal". I get sucked into feeling like I want him back. Ugh. Things will prob change next week after family court mediation. He's been behaving well probably because this is coming up.

It sucks and reminds me that going dark/ NC is for me. The pain starts to eat away at me again when I"m around him, whether he is acting badly (creating fear/hurt) or well (creating relief/desire).
Then don't forget. You are too strong these days to get sucked back in...this is for you and your son. Whenever you have second thoughts, stop, take a few deep breaths and remind yourself
Originally Posted By: gutwrenching
Then don't forget. You are too strong these days to get sucked back in...this is for you and your son. Whenever you have second thoughts, stop, take a few deep breaths and remind yourself


YUP... just what GW said ^^^^^^^

Hope, you have come so far and become so strong. These setbacks will happen and you just have to talk yourself through it and get back on track with your plan.
((((hugs))))
THanks pals, yea, I"m back in reality today. My dad who was trick or treating with us last night told me that H hinted at somethin about "having to follow the rules." Then AI realized: it's all an act. We have family court mediation this week and he's trying to pu on his "Mr. Perfect" routine which he does very well. It's intimidating to say the least. He has fooled a number of MCs and he can possibly fool the court. Luckily i have some bulldog lawyers on my side. And, I'm relieved that H is backing down - if only for now.
Ouch! Yuck! Suddenly H wants to 'talk/negotiate'. Help! I guess he's getting scared about mediation this friday. I got sucked in! I had to hear how I was the one unwilling to negotiate, how he had "no choice" but to file a custody motion against me and yes, how "I left him" (huh?). I found myself wanting to show him that I am willing to negotiate. I found myself wanting to hope again that "this time" he will listen to me, work something out without the courts. This is what happens when I'm driven by fear - of losing in court, of having a permanently conflicted relationship with my S's father, etc. Yes, I did not stick to my guns.

Why do I have a hard time moving on? Why do I continually give him one more chance to be rational and respectful? Why do I even give the time of day to the man who left our M and is destroying our family? Maybe I though he was scared enough to be reasonable and listen to me for once.

THe problem is I start trying to see things from his perspective and I totally lose sight of what I want, what I think is right, what my feelings are. I start wondering what I have done wrong and try to fix it. I'm such a codependant I make myself sick!

If I were strong I'd tell him to take a flying leap and deal with my lawyers. I just get so confused when I feel lied to and manipulated and shut down and closed out and then....H accuses ME of all these same things!!! I start wondering if it's true. Ugh it's so much easier to be NC.

This is hell!!
H4L
Enough. Come on. Read what you wrote.
Quote:
Why do I even give the time of day to the man who left our M and is destroying our family?

Quote:
I totally lose sight of what I want, what I think is right, what my feelings are.

Quote:
I'm such a codependant I make myself sick


He is playing you, you know that. There is no crisis in his life. He has been abusive, disrespectful, mean, cruel, substance abuse and he has continually tried to kill your self esteem. He shows no remorse ever, and is only nice to you when it works to his advantage. You have a lawyer, use the lawyer. Go back to NC/Dark. Don't ever be around or talk to him without your Dad there.

Do what works. That is what works for you. You are strong.
Don't even give him the respect to tell him to take a flying leap; he doesn't deserve it right now. NC.

You have given him more chances than one can count. You can look yourself in the mirror and know you gave it every last effort. But look at what he does to your son...you said your son is starting to show signs of what this has done to him. What do you think it'll do to him to get confused even more to see mom/dad nice for a few days (which is all it will be) and then back to the verbal abuse and nastiness.

Quote:
Ugh it's so much easier to be NC.


So do it. Stop thinking about it and do it. NC. NC. NC. NC. This is FOR YOU. It isn't a tactic, H4L, I'm so sorry but you are not in place to use tactics, this is self preservation time. Remember the title of this thread...the PROTECTION PHASE. So protect!

If you have to have contact for your son, you dad should be there with you. If it deals with legal things, your lawyer talks to him. You don't even respond to say talk to my lawyer.
GW. THank you~! I know you are right. NO more falling back into trying and explaining and working it out. I don't know why I get into feeling it is so important for him to hear me and validate me. I guess I felt maybe I could give it one more try to negotiate out of court. WRONG. Back to NC. NO more giving him chances out of fear. No more allowing myself to be bullied and blamed. No more trying to be heard and respected. NC. You're right it is to protect myself and to protect my son. Thank you so much for the validation and support. This is what I needed today. I'm going to speak with the L again in a few minutes so we'll keep moving forward.

THANK YOU FRIEND!!!!
Had a good meeting w L. Don't want to share in case H has found this site - but there is much to hope for.

H is going to flip his lid but hey at this point it can only work in my favor as him demonstrating his true colors to the court.

I'm ready to start really moving on with my life. I am ready to really let go. God give me the strength to follow through. I am ready to stop putting myself in harm's way in the R and protect S and I emotionally. Someday I pray to experience what a real, loving M is like.
(())
You can do this!
Hugs and good thoughts!
You can do this hun! I know you feel the need to explain and hope he will understand but he wont he is just playing you again to get his own way... Ask yourself WHY, AND WHY NOW AND WHATS HAPPENING HIM TO MAKE HIM SUDDENLY WANT TO NEGOTIATE..

Stand firm and protect S remind yourself that its him you are doing this for not you.. you and S are so worth it.. hope L is coming up trumps for you xx
Thanks friends. After attending a "parenting after divorce" class tonight I"m on the downside of the rollercoaster again. BAsically there's no getting around it - divorce traumatizes children for life.

And I just worry that the NC makes it even more stressful for S. I know that having parents who argue and are stressed is no good for him. HOwever, it's also depressing for them when parents don't talk at all and the little child's life is suddenly ripped apart and divided between two loyalties. I cannot express my proufound resentment and anger at H for putting S through this.

Besides that, mediation is first thing friday morning and I'm very scared. But, onward and upward!!!Any prayers for my S most welcome. (())
Oh and by the way, friends....get this....

Although my H left me, the other night he literally said I LEFT HIM. Now how did that work? Also, when he filed his motion for 50% custody of S6 (which sadly in my state he may get, especially being the narcissistic liar he is and his ability to charm coerce)and then tried to "negotiate" with me the other night, H said "I gave him no choice but to file his motion" which was full of lies about how I ABUSED HIM. How did that work again?

Pray for me and S. Let go, let God, and RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!
One day at a time, one hour at a time. More critical than ever before for you. Your STBXH is trying to push your buttons with his comments...don't let him succeed
I just want to publicly put this in writing...my H was served today with my motion to modify custody and alimony and there's quite a few things in there about his anger and manipulation as well. To protect myself and S I took S to the beach after school. When I returned home, my three trash bins, originally left by the curb, were half way up my driveway and two were turned over. I must say my gut tells me H came over in a rage ... luckily I was not here. I do not know for sure, but I'm glad S wasn't here to find out.

Sad part is, I had to drop S off at H's apt. for his "overnight". Scary stuff. It's taken me two hours to calm down. I'm better now, my parents are coming over here so I am not alone.
Survived mediation. Have no idea how I did since I requested separate mediation. My lawyer tried to fax my motion to adam's lawyer who apparently didn't have a fax???? so it was mailed and received today??? I am very worried about this. I hope it does not negatively impact me.

Besides that I'm all shaken up and scared that my H will get 50% custody. I did my best to describe his anger problems but who knows what the court will say. Panic attacks are back. Luckily a very good friend came over out of the blue with her daughter and hung out with me.
(((((Hope)))))

These abusive types will stoop to any level to re-write history. I'm constantly amazed at how my H perceives things--I know he is delusional!

One thing to keep in mind--button pushing is to get a reaction--they know you "care" when you get upset. Show NO EMOTION to any of his nonsense. I have steadily trained myself to let it all go past me with no reaction. It's not turned things around, but I do notice him doing it less and less.

I got a book that has been a good read, funny, and has a lot if insight into the "male mind". Why Men Marry Bitches. (and by bitches, it just means strong, confident women). It really spells out how men, ALL MEN, will push your buttons to get a reaction from you. The trick is, the better you are at not reacting, the more respect you will get.

It's not just this one, Hope, but all men do it--they are going to see what you are made of. Showing them that you can't be rattled is a skill you need to learn for the rest of your life.
Hi hun, see you suffering from a bit of history rewriting, well thats a real laugh isnt it.. poor wee H abused by little old you.. He really is a nasty bit of work isnt he, glad your dad is more in the picture especially when H kicks off.

Keep knowing you are worth the effort to keep his abusive patterns away from your life as much as you can.. Hope you and S are well xx
Yes, and it gets me everytime. I am sitting here tonight feeling guilty for all the arguing I've done with H and especially within earshot of S. Wondering why NC is so hard - it's the guilt for all the things i"ve done and how I"ve lost my marriage. Why is it so hard to forgive myself and see what he has done, and why do I instead forgive him, empathizing with how upset I make him?
H4L, this is a really tough time for you and S. Hugs

Yes, it is horrifying how divorce can affect children. I know how you feel. The mother guilt still stabs me even though I am so much better off as a woman.

You have to choose whether to put your energy into feeling guilty and paralyzed about how this is affecting your S, or put your energy into helping him. S7 is currently seeing an art therapist (preceded separation) and I think and hope that it helps him to have an adult who is a trusted ally. Also, if you read Helping Kids Cope With Separation and Divorce you'll find many specific, age-appropriate ways to help your child navigate through this confusing, painful time. It include advice for high conflict situations. Try to mentally separate your loss and pain (the marriage), and your S's experience, because they are different.

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one breath at a time. Share with your S how you are calming yourself and becoming grounded in the moment.
Thanks all.Great advice and thank you for the support!
Laurah - the reactions is my weak point. His false accusations manipulate me into feeling guilty and a desire to defend myself. That's the hook. I'm so tired of letting him manipulate me yet I still fall into it. NC is so hard with a child. I want so hard to be friendly and cooperative and this desire just pulls me into his tactics. And then, he tells the court I am not cooperative, will not discuss the schedule of S, control him, etc. when I feel the opposite is true. Then I get confused and this is where it is gaslighting. He makes a big public scene at a birthday party on Saturday and resists my requests to drop it. I should have left but I didn't want to storm off in front of S. Ugh. Next time I'll have to be much more guarded, despite the fear of what this lack of communication will do to S.
Quote:
His false accusations manipulate me into feeling guilty and a desire to defend myself. That's the hook. I'm so tired of letting him manipulate me yet I still fall into it


Ok - you have diagnosed the problem. You know when you are going to see him. So read this to yourself over and over before next time and win just one battle. One at a time. Get one over on him. Imagine how pissed and confused he will be when you don't react. Put him in a tail spin. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!! grin
H4L, I think it would be helpful for you to use your acting experience to work on this stuff. Could you spend some time with a friend working on rewiring your reactions? Set up a scenario where your friend plays WH and you play yourself, get the friend to trigger you, then feel the trigger flooding your body with adrenaline, but try to redirect yourself by nudging yourself towards feeling good, feeling peace, etc. You could also play WH and see how it's a subconscious game for him -- you could taste the power of how easy it is for him to push your buttons...and seeing it from that side might shift whether you continue to be willing to be in the role of having your buttons pushed.

Actually, you can do all this in your head too. Remember that so many of our reactions come from the pathways being so well worn in our brains. But our amazing brains can change, and change quickly. Some of our emotional reactions are mostly habit, and habits can be changed.

I have managed to change my habitual reactions to some triggers with stbxh and others. I'm not dealing with the degree of stuff that you are, but I know it can be done.

I know how worried you are about S. The best thing you can do for your S is to ground yourself. You are making huge progress and we are cheering you along.
H4L - hello, how are you doing?
GW - don't know if I should write here or on the blahblah which I have just heard about...anyhow, trying really hard to not react to the bully. Hoping to file a restraining order if he doesn't stop "harassing" me. THis means yes, no contact. VEry sad for my son, but better than watching his mom being bulldozed by dad every chance he gets.

Had a nice lunch date with a reaaaally nice guy, at his work, a film studio smile Trouble is, although he said a couple times "you'll have to come back" he didn't ask me out a second time specifically upon good bye. Yes, he's shy, but how am I supposed to decipher that? I'm out of practice!
The blahblah would be fine too...I'll see it there
Don't decipher anything...give it a few days...especially if he is shy. Maybe he is wiser than you think...trying to be a little mysterious and play hard to get...
I've been doing well with NC, with a setback the other night. Hecame to be with S6 and said he wanted to take S to his place. I told him I don't agree because S was sick. He said I don't have to agree. I said my L told me to keep the status quo for I said I will "take appropriate action" and emailed my L who of course is on vacation anyhow. Then he follows me into the kitchen and aggressively repeats "are you threatening me? What are you threatening to do? Are you threatening me? BEcause I'm recording this right now." I was shocked. I told him to "back off!" and I left the house. I noticed he never left the house, S didn't want to go.

This is so crazy now that we are fighting a legal custody battle. Then I spent my first thanksgiving alone and H took OW with S to his family's.

I don't know how he can do this and feel no remorse. After all this, I still remember all the good times and wonder how it came to this. I wonder why I still yearn for him when he's laughing at me, fighting me dirty, and trying to attack/bait me. I know intellectually it's abusive and I need to stay strong in NC but the pain of knowing he feels nothing but comtempt for me is so painful.
No real advice to give Hope4luv, just want to let you know you are in my thoughts. I am so sorry you are having to go through this, especially at thanksgiving.
Do you have soemone to call, or come over and be with you?
Found you again x
(((Hope)))

I know how hard it is. At first I had trouble when the kids were sick, but I've accepted it now. I know that H will take care of them and that it's OK.

I hope that this custody thing will get sorted out and that you and your S have more peace in your lives.
Having him take my S is hard enough. But having him aggressively attack me like this - for the past year and a half, and walking on eggshells my entire marriage before that - I have PTSD like symptoms. I cannot stand the intense panic attacks I suffer.
H4L -
I am not all surprised to see you have PTSD like symptoms. That is very understandable. You have been through a TRAUMA for the past year, emotional TRAUMA. I am so sorry to hear about the panic attacks, that is not fun.

I see light at the end of the tunnel. I think you will be able to find some peace and establish new routines and normalcy in your life once the legal part is done.

I know this is scary, but I know you have it in you.
(())
THank you so much GW. Just hearing those words of validation helps me feel comforted. My mind gets muddled when I feel traumatized but he is saying all these things I do and say and I wonder if I really do them. Then I wonder if I have any right to be traumatized.

STaying Dark.
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