Hindsight - What Would You Have Done Differently? - 07/06/10 07:41 PM
Hey all -
Allen asked me if I had to do this all over again knowing what I know now, what would I have done differently?
My WH is a college prof who has been having an EA with one of his female grad students for 3+ years now. I've gotten the "We're just friends" talk, the "ILYBINILWY" talk, the "We're over" talk, etc.
If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I would have:
1. Asked him to get rid of her and given him a time line for her to be gone. I would not have been intimate with him again unless he complied.
If he didn't comply, I would have continued to keep him at a distance but also:
2. Taken his office keys, gone to his office, gone through all his drawers and found the evidence of the Victoria's Secret items, flowers, candies, etc., he sent her.
3. Logged on to his University reimbursement accounts and printed off all "business dinner" receipts he had with OW that were reimbursed by the University.
4. Printed off the 90 days worth' of 24/7 text messages, averaging 1,000 per month back and forth.
5. Made an appointment with the Dept. Chair.
6. Taken ALL the evidence with me to that meeting, shown it all to the Chair, and told him I wanted OW removed from WH mentorship immediately since WH refused to do it.
7. Threaten to expand my exposure to the graduate affairs committee, the student oversight committee, etc., if it was not addressed ASAP.
WH would have been blindsided, OW would have been asked to leave, and we'd be in recovery right now.
Instead, I was hurt, confused, angry, etc., allowed it drag on and on, eroding our marriage and giving OW power and leverage she neither needs nor deserves.
In short, if I had acted more quickly and forcefully THEN, I wouldn't be here now. <Sigh>
Here' was Allen's reply:
So...what would YOU do differently if you had to do it all over again, knowing what you know now?
This might be REALLY helpful to newcomers.
Allen asked me if I had to do this all over again knowing what I know now, what would I have done differently?
My WH is a college prof who has been having an EA with one of his female grad students for 3+ years now. I've gotten the "We're just friends" talk, the "ILYBINILWY" talk, the "We're over" talk, etc.
If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I would have:
1. Asked him to get rid of her and given him a time line for her to be gone. I would not have been intimate with him again unless he complied.
If he didn't comply, I would have continued to keep him at a distance but also:
2. Taken his office keys, gone to his office, gone through all his drawers and found the evidence of the Victoria's Secret items, flowers, candies, etc., he sent her.
3. Logged on to his University reimbursement accounts and printed off all "business dinner" receipts he had with OW that were reimbursed by the University.
4. Printed off the 90 days worth' of 24/7 text messages, averaging 1,000 per month back and forth.
5. Made an appointment with the Dept. Chair.
6. Taken ALL the evidence with me to that meeting, shown it all to the Chair, and told him I wanted OW removed from WH mentorship immediately since WH refused to do it.
7. Threaten to expand my exposure to the graduate affairs committee, the student oversight committee, etc., if it was not addressed ASAP.
WH would have been blindsided, OW would have been asked to leave, and we'd be in recovery right now.
Instead, I was hurt, confused, angry, etc., allowed it drag on and on, eroding our marriage and giving OW power and leverage she neither needs nor deserves.
In short, if I had acted more quickly and forcefully THEN, I wouldn't be here now. <Sigh>
Here' was Allen's reply:
Originally Posted By: Allen A
Hindsight is 20/20 my dear.. I had to deal with an affair in my home that ran 2+ years too... and MOST of that two years could have been avoided like you by my being more aggressive and more educated about affair busting beforehand... But I didn't even find MWD for the first four months.. It takes a month at least to learn all of this and another month to get into practice...
Affairs just blindside the LBS... its sad... no one prepares you to deal wtih this crap...
Good plan though.. i must admit... I think that would have saved you at least two years.. it may have taken a while to get OW gone, but ya she would have been gone sooner if you and I were both better prepared for this nonsense...
Affairs just blindside the LBS... its sad... no one prepares you to deal wtih this crap...
Good plan though.. i must admit... I think that would have saved you at least two years.. it may have taken a while to get OW gone, but ya she would have been gone sooner if you and I were both better prepared for this nonsense...
So...what would YOU do differently if you had to do it all over again, knowing what you know now?
This might be REALLY helpful to newcomers.