Still hoping for some advice.
You've gotten some good advise already. I'm not going to berate you about your sitch. Others have done enough of that. I will say that even though she says it right now, she's probably not really done. She's mad as hell, betrayed and on top of that dealing with the rush of hormones.
Get into counseling. Tell her about it and let her know she's welcome if she wants. Write the letter about your intentions as others have suggested and really, realy be an open book. Give her all your passwords to cell phones, emails, facebook, etc. If she wants, send her little texts throughout the day so she knows where you are and how long you'll be there.
Be available for whatever she needs whenever she needs it without so much as a "I'll have to check". Drop everything and go whenever she says jump. Make the most of the family time you're getting.
Just the fact that she will still let you in the house at all says she's not as done as she professes. Be patient. Time is on your side.
Yes I agree that I have I was just hoping to find more views and thought this forum was probably the right spot for me. What I have done is worth of being berated, I understand how people could react to the mess I made. I hope that you are right about her not being really done, but I don't know. Just this weekend while I was setting in her parents driveway talking to her, her father, and watching our son ride bicycle she calmly said, "In the next week or two we need to set down and decide how we are going to divide things." I responded with a meek "ok" and her father started crying. I didn't know what to say other than ok, but that sure isn't what I want.
I have been to a few sessions and will continue. She is not interested, says she doesn't need counceling. I am an open book and she has all passwords.
When she says jump, I ask how high. Seriously I am there, maybe there too much (at times I wonder if I'm there too much-who knows what is right)?
Yes I agree, everynight she calls/texts that it is time to come up there and I stay until bedtime. I think it is truely to allow me to spend time with son though, I don't think she really wants to see me. Time feels like my enemy. She has said that when baby is born she wants to be able to D asap. That's why she want to divide things up in the next few weeks, so she can file after the Dr cuts the babies cord. To make matters worse she is due at end of Aug and with our son she was about 1 month early. I'm affraid I only have about a month left. I've been trying to stay patient, but it feels like its sudden death in overtime of the national championship - DAMN THIS MESS I MADE!
Call me a whinner if you will...but I don't seem to be getting much feed back and I was wondering why?
Have I offended everyone somehow? Is my story to much to deal with?
Is my sitch a lost cause?
Is it odd that I am a wayward spouse and trying to DB? I see most here are the BS looking at trying to get WS out of the fog and back to reality.
I'm just looking for some good advice from you guys b/c I love my wife and don't want to loose her. I love my kids and don't want to share them everyother weekend.
When somebody leaves you--especially for an affair--there is a period of weeks-to-months when you pour over every detail of everything that went wrong, a time when you beat yourself up, a time when you become angry at the spouse who has left, the feeling of betrayal.
After a while, you find yourself again, but you have changed, and if you have faced your fears and dealt with the pain and anger and self-doubt, you emerge stronger.
But that time... you felt out of control of your own life.
If your W has moved on and reclaimed control of her own life, you can see why she might not be eager to let you back in her life.
For one thing, she is no longer the person who would have sacrificed almost anything to save the M anymore. She is somebody new. Now, here you are, and you are back in a place she has moved on from, and I doubt she wants to go back there.
To her, it might look like a step backward, and let's face it, you cannot go backward in time even if you wanted to go back.
There is no going backward. You can only go forward. You need to move on from trying to win your wife back, and move on to being a better man, a better father, and so on ... for now.
I want to move forward also, but not w/out her. I want a better marriage.
I am working on being a better man (for myself & all family), I am working on being a better father (for my son and unborn child).
I am working on being a better husband (for my wife that I am still married to, hoping she will see the changes before it is too late).
If you've already told her all of that, then the ball is in her court, and there is nothing else you can do.
Stop forcing the "better husband" issue. Be a better man and a better father. The marriage you had before this is gone.
Is there hope for one in the future? I don't know, but it won't happen just because you keep saying you want it to happen. It's not up to you anymore. She is making her own decissions now.
I know it is all up to her and I know the road she wants to take.
I'm subtlely (not forcing) better husband. She is pregnant and even though I am not living in our house I do my normal household chores plus what she would normally do. I'm just showing I love by doing I guess is what I'm saying.
I know its all up to her. She has give up on us I believe. I want her to know that I'm not giving up.
Well MIM,
No more sneaky stuff. You have to be an open book now. That includes letting her read what you post here if she asks what you are doing and asks to see it.
Best of luck to you.
No no more sneaky stuff. The term subtle was not meant to be and "underhanded" term. I meant that I am not buying gifts, sending flowers, ect, I am just doing things for her and son that she would normally have to do for him or herself.
Transparent is my new middle name.
Sidebar on buying gifts. Wife and 3 of her freinds are going to a concert tomorrow night. I did buy the tickets. I bought the tickets prior to Dday. They were supposed to be an Anniversary gift to her (coming up the end of this month). Every year us and another couple (our close friends) go to a concert together at our state fair which is the end of Aug. Knowing that we would either have a little one to take care of by then or that she would be too pregnant to enjoy concert I bought these tickets for our A for her favorite group. I could finally see the writing on the wall that she would not be going anywhere with me let a lone a concert with our close freinds/couple, so I gave her the tickets (she had no clue about the) and told her to take whoever she wanted. That I bought them for her, and I would like to be going with her, but that I wanted her to enjoy herself and she better be spending some time doing that before the next little one came.
God I want her to look at me like she used to...with love in her eyes and smile on her face. I want her to want me to walk in the door, not dread me walking in the door.
still looking for advice from wise db'ers
Mess, you need a signature with as much detail in it as you can include... particularly whom you have exposed to and the results...
The forum's pretty busy right now so the more summarizing and point form you can offer the better.. thick paragraphs tend to get less attention than a good solid simmary in point form minus uneccessary details
I was introduced to my wife by her father 8/24/01. Prior to that I had been in a 5 year long relationship that ended in the summer of 2000. In between that time I was a broken individual, I allowed myself to become sexually involved with a married former friend. I knew that it was wrong, but I didn't do better. I was trying to end this and then I met my wife and it did end then.
My wife and I fell in love, we were head over heals. Then the bomb dropped. OW finds out she is pregnant and eludes that child might be mine. (Finally found out for sure from her in summer of 2009 that child is not mine) Before wife and I got married on 6/26/04 I told her what had been going on. Looking back I realized this changed our relationship forever b/c we never really dealt with things, just kept moving on with the plans we had made-marriage children ect.
FF to Feb 2007. OW contacts me to "congradulate" me on wife being pregnant. Should have never took that call. She re-dangled the O child at me. We had some sporatic communication and she became my "friend" again. My marriage was not what I would call perfect and my wife and I basically just kept plugging along, but started living like roomates. That's what allowed the OW to become my "friend" again. As I said it was sporatic communication that started to increase until 3/09/09. That was the day that my wife found cell records that I had been talking to OW alot more than sporatic. We had become "best friends" we thought. Wife tells me no more communication whatsoever. I agree b/c I love my wife and want to make it work.
Then the next bomb hits. OW plays suicide card on me and I fall for it. At first I don't believe she is, but I do research and realize she has all the signs that you can find on the net that she is serious about this. Well I have already messed up b/c I was to have no contact of wife was done, but now it is worse b/c I cant live with a suicide on my shoulders. I keep thinking that this will go away with time and actually it only gets worse. OW knows that I am hosed at home if I come clean and ditch her, and I'm hosed if she does harm herself. I'm in a corner and the only thing I can think to do is to try to keep her happy and hopefully she will give up and move on if i keep breaking promises to her.
Finally I cant stand doing this to my wife, son and unborn child anymore and I come clean to her on 2/25/10. I did enough to sink my own ship that I didn't need any help, but to make matters worse OW fabricated stories to make the EA into a PA and my wife believes them. There was no sex involved and wife believes this, but OW says there was oral sex and wife believes this.
Exactly one day after I sent NC letter to OW she came to my work and told me "you do know that your wife believes everything I tell her" and gave me that look that she would stop at nothing to ruin my life. I actually have one email left from her says that she is going to hurt me throught my wife, hurt me through my son, and hurt me through her and I would be hearing more about it as the night went on (suicide that I stopped by telling her sister). I think that catches everyone up to the mess I made.
I could use some input here. My wife told me that if i wanted a chance to fix things she needed space to think and wanted me to "move some of my stuff" out of the house on 2/28/10. I took enough things to get me by. About 2 weeks into the separation I got the following email: (I think it’s only fair for you to know how I’m feeling. I can not find one ounce of trust or forgiveness in my body and I’m not sure that I really want to. If I wasn’t pregnant I would be pursuing a divorce now. So I just want you to be prepared for that outcome this fall. I want to remain totally civil to each other and I would like to try to work out the details of separating things so that we will both be happy. I know this is not what you wanted to hear but this is how is has to be. This doesn’t mean that you can’t come see Son in the evenings or mornings anymore, I just wanted you to know how I feel.)
This is pretty much still where we are at now 4 mts later. I was just throwing this out here looking for some honest opinions / feedback as to if anyone thinks its possible be given the gift of a possible R after an extended amount time of the BS not wanting that to happen at all?