WAW/Affair & LRT for *me* - 02/05/10 08:52 PM
First of all, I pretty much gave up on reconciliation last year around August/September - but this had less to do with my W having an A than her actions and behavior which have been detrimental toward my children.
But I want to share my experience in implementing "dropping the rope" and meaning it, and how it has affected my own positive mental image and sense of self.
Does dropping the rope completely mean you have abandoned all hope for the M? I don't think so. I think it actually empowers you to be in a better position to 'negotiate' any return by your WS and sets the tone for what is and is not acceptable.
Around last September I stopped seeing my IC, primarily due to financial reasons - but also because my short stint on ADs and getting into an exercise routine worked wonders for my mental image. I began dating again, and not in the sense that I really cared what my W thought, but simply to meet new people and remind myself that I am an attractive individual, and that people are out there with varying experience positive and negative - and although I haven't entered a relationship with anyone (D still ongoing), each person has left some sort of impression that helps me think about what relationships should be - and to put my M into context.
I've got some old threads on here discussing my day to day experience, emotions, thoughts, ideas, and basically I was so wrapped up in wanting to save the M that I stressed myself out considerably.
At some point the thoughtlessness and ravages of the A hit you, and the effects it has on your children (if you have any) quickly deplete any feelings you have toward your WS. Some recommend that in order to save your M, you have to protect your own feelings - and in a sense I guess this is true. Perhaps I would feel differently had I insulated myself better - and if the OM didn't live next door would maybe have made that easier.
Nevertheless - I think it is perfectly fine for me to feel that regardless of hormones, addictive properties, etc. - your WS made a decision that seemed 'easier' at the time than dealing with the real life everyday problems between yourselves. In the process, many of you have been wrecked emotionally, some financially, and socially if your WS took the opportunity to 'explain' to everyone why they left... since after all it couldn't be their fault at all.
One thing I've learned through this - is that sometimes what you feel isn't the same as what you should do. For instance, you feel like begging - yet common sense and experience here tells you that won't work.
The point I reached is that I wanted to do what was best for me and my children. I put them first - and whether I felt like it or not I made the decisions that put me where I am now, as I have to be strong, happy, and supportive for them regardless of whether I liked it or not at first.
I've been virtually NC outside of custody swaps with W for 6 months. She has played games with custody - and I required legal intervention for Thanksgiving and Christmas. As far as I know she is still seeing OM... but I don't really 'care' in a sense of worrying about it. I could find out, but I could care less outside of how it affects the D.
That has been the key for me... I spend my afternoons with my kids. I take them to the gym with me, where they play with other children while I lift weights, jog, swim, and I even started going to a tanning bed. I wear cologne, I dress nicer, and I flirt with virtually any cute girl I pass.
I enjoy who I am. I'm happy for me. Whatever W does or doesn't do isn't on my radar, because I'm worried about me and not her.
All those same destructive behaviors are there. I'm being given plenty of ammunition still for the custody issue - and W's attorney has continued the delay, delay, delay game and will continue to do so as long as the Judge allows her to.
But I've found other things to occupy my time, and GAL and going dark has given me the opportunity to find solid ground again.
As much as you feel like you want to 'fight' for the M, you've got to step back and take care of yourself. Don't get so wrapped up at what your WS is doing that you neglect yourself.
S8/S9/D1 are doing well. I bought D1 a purse and toy cell phone the other day, and she slings the purse over her arm, brushes her hair out of her face, and starts blabbing into the phone. Cutest thing ever.
Anyway, I hope you all found something useful in this. I'm also willing to answer questions regarding the legal stuff, as some of you are embroiled in it yourselves - and I'm willing to offer advice based on what I did right and wrong during this process.
But I want to share my experience in implementing "dropping the rope" and meaning it, and how it has affected my own positive mental image and sense of self.
Does dropping the rope completely mean you have abandoned all hope for the M? I don't think so. I think it actually empowers you to be in a better position to 'negotiate' any return by your WS and sets the tone for what is and is not acceptable.
Around last September I stopped seeing my IC, primarily due to financial reasons - but also because my short stint on ADs and getting into an exercise routine worked wonders for my mental image. I began dating again, and not in the sense that I really cared what my W thought, but simply to meet new people and remind myself that I am an attractive individual, and that people are out there with varying experience positive and negative - and although I haven't entered a relationship with anyone (D still ongoing), each person has left some sort of impression that helps me think about what relationships should be - and to put my M into context.
I've got some old threads on here discussing my day to day experience, emotions, thoughts, ideas, and basically I was so wrapped up in wanting to save the M that I stressed myself out considerably.
At some point the thoughtlessness and ravages of the A hit you, and the effects it has on your children (if you have any) quickly deplete any feelings you have toward your WS. Some recommend that in order to save your M, you have to protect your own feelings - and in a sense I guess this is true. Perhaps I would feel differently had I insulated myself better - and if the OM didn't live next door would maybe have made that easier.
Nevertheless - I think it is perfectly fine for me to feel that regardless of hormones, addictive properties, etc. - your WS made a decision that seemed 'easier' at the time than dealing with the real life everyday problems between yourselves. In the process, many of you have been wrecked emotionally, some financially, and socially if your WS took the opportunity to 'explain' to everyone why they left... since after all it couldn't be their fault at all.
One thing I've learned through this - is that sometimes what you feel isn't the same as what you should do. For instance, you feel like begging - yet common sense and experience here tells you that won't work.
The point I reached is that I wanted to do what was best for me and my children. I put them first - and whether I felt like it or not I made the decisions that put me where I am now, as I have to be strong, happy, and supportive for them regardless of whether I liked it or not at first.
I've been virtually NC outside of custody swaps with W for 6 months. She has played games with custody - and I required legal intervention for Thanksgiving and Christmas. As far as I know she is still seeing OM... but I don't really 'care' in a sense of worrying about it. I could find out, but I could care less outside of how it affects the D.
That has been the key for me... I spend my afternoons with my kids. I take them to the gym with me, where they play with other children while I lift weights, jog, swim, and I even started going to a tanning bed. I wear cologne, I dress nicer, and I flirt with virtually any cute girl I pass.
I enjoy who I am. I'm happy for me. Whatever W does or doesn't do isn't on my radar, because I'm worried about me and not her.
All those same destructive behaviors are there. I'm being given plenty of ammunition still for the custody issue - and W's attorney has continued the delay, delay, delay game and will continue to do so as long as the Judge allows her to.
But I've found other things to occupy my time, and GAL and going dark has given me the opportunity to find solid ground again.
As much as you feel like you want to 'fight' for the M, you've got to step back and take care of yourself. Don't get so wrapped up at what your WS is doing that you neglect yourself.
S8/S9/D1 are doing well. I bought D1 a purse and toy cell phone the other day, and she slings the purse over her arm, brushes her hair out of her face, and starts blabbing into the phone. Cutest thing ever.
Anyway, I hope you all found something useful in this. I'm also willing to answer questions regarding the legal stuff, as some of you are embroiled in it yourselves - and I'm willing to offer advice based on what I did right and wrong during this process.
