Hi everyone. I will try to keep this as brief as possible. Not even sure where to start, but here it goes. I've been with my H for 10years...married 7. He is 31 I am 33. We had some problems a few years back, but we worked through them and everything had gotten a lot better. Well due to the economy, he lost his job. I had prayed and prayed for an opportunity to come his way so he could work again...and it happened! He received a call with a job offer. Making more money than before..so we were thrilled. The downfall is the other job was in another state. We were told he wouldn't be there forever, just temporarily. So we didn't make any plans to move there. That was in February. Now it's the end of July and he is still there.While he was gone he came to visit home every few weeks. I went to visit him as well. We had a talk in June about how happy we were and how things have really improved for us. he told me he loved me and cherished me and our marriage. Well two weeks later, he started acting strange. he became very distant, quiet, just wasn't acting himself. So I asked what was wrong and he dropped the D bomb on me. Told me he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. That he felt like he loved me more like a sister than a wife. I was utterly shocked. I couldn't for the life of me understand how things could change so drastically so fast. the only thing I could think of was that he met someone who put the little sparkle in his eye. Well after some prodding, he finally told me that he did meet someone. Some 24 year old and he thinks they are soulmates and in love. So I continued to try to understand what went wrong in our marriage. he said nothing went wrong, his feelings just changed. He told me he loves me, he enjoys spending time with me, he loves talking with me and that he still wants me in his life, just doesn't want to be married to me. he also told me that he thinks I am perfect and there is absolutely nothing he would change about me. I am just dumbfounded! He is in a huge rush to get divorced too. He told me he met OW in June, told me he wanted a D on 4th of July and has already contacted an attorney. So, I need help, I have no idea what to do. I love this man with all of my heart and I think he doesn't realize what the heck he is doing.
He doesn't realize I'm sure. But you also can't teach him which is the most crappy thing about these situations. What you can do is focus on yourself and recognize he is on the fence right now most likely.
It is possible this 24 year old has a husband or something else along those lines. Dunno... does he have any family or anything that may be able to put pressure on him? Not sure if you should go that route yet - but stopping infidelity probably means your relationship will have to worsen before it gets better.
Being friendly about it gives him permission to head out the door.
Hi DCBHM -
I am not being nice about the affair, I have told him it hurts and it is the worst thing he could have done...but I also don't try to ask about it either. I don't ask him really any questions about her at all.
I know she is single, is 24 (my H is 31) and has a 3 year old daughter and she lives in Texas...that's all I know.
He has been being pressured by his family, his friends, even his boss. They have all told him he is making a mistake by throwing away his entire life and a good marriage on a gamble with someone he barely knows. All he says is that he is happy and he is thinking about himself and his own happiness for once in his life.
We did speak about things a little yesterday, and all he ever does is defend his R with this OW. He just says this is what he wants and he has to do.
Unfortunately sometimes it is a journey or a path someone has to take before they realize what they lost. Doesn't help us - but it is true.
Amazing how scripted and rehearsed all the things sound defending these affairs. For something so chaotic and destructive they all say remarkably similar things.
We can only focus on the things we can control. Ourselves. Our relationships with our children. Our own happiness. It sounds like giving up but I don't think it is. Just letting go and seeing how things work out.
From experience I say you can drive yourself crazy focusing too much on it. I can think of numerous rational arguments you could make to your H but unfortunately he isn't listening to rational thoughts right now.
You are so right...it is amazing how scripted things sound during affairs. Of all the books I've read on infidelity and such, I swear, all the words and lines they say you will hear are the exact words my husband has said...literally word for word. The "it's not you, it's me" and the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" It's too bad the person having the affair can't see that! But I know that his head is in the clouds right now and he feels like he's right and everyone else is wrong.
You are so right...it is amazing how scripted things sound during affairs. Of all the books I've read on infidelity and such, I swear, all the words and lines they say you will hear are the exact words my husband has said...literally word for word. The "it's not you, it's me" and the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" It's too bad the person having the affair can't see that! But I know that his head is in the clouds right now and he feels like he's right and everyone else is wrong.
It isn't a short journey. Stay true to yourself and your marriage and keep the faith - and however things turn out they will turn out as they should. Sometimes what we want isn't necessarily what we need.
As hard as it is, being positive, putting a good face on your life, and continuing to find joy is very important to your own well being. At first we can channel a great deal of energy into withstanding the affair when we love someone - but it eventually wears you down. No matter how strong we think we are.
It is so, so difficult to stay positive, but I am trying my hardest. I know this is going to be a long tough road to travel. It hurts so much. It seems like I can be having a really good day, then my H calls and upsets me. I know there is no rationalizing with him right now.
Yesterday we spoke several times and all he does is defend the OW. I don't ask about her, but yesterday I told him that I appreciate the financial support he is continuing to give me, but I would also appreciate some compassion and emotional support. I told him he has literally stripped me of my happy life, my hopes and dreams. I am losing my husband, my home, everything we've worked so hard to build together is going away. He just said he isn't dwelling on it and I shouldn't either. That he is moving on with his life and I should do the same thing. I told him it's so easy for him to say that and move on because he has someone that lifts him up, makes him happy and smile. I have friends and family which have been tremendously helpful, but I don't have the emotional connection with someone like he thinks he has with OW. He continued to tell me that this is very hard on him too, and he is hurting. But after more prodding, I've realized that what he was saying was that he isn't hurting about our marriage breaking up, he is hurting because he feels like he can't commit fully to OW since he still has "baggage" with me. He is also hurting because he feels like he won't ever be able to bring OW back home to meet his family and friends because they have informed him that they would not welcome her. And that hurts, that he hurts more about her than me. Neither he nor she are the ones suffering!! I am the one who is suffering...but my feelings apparently aren't as important as hers.
In the end everyone touched by the infidelity suffers. We are all here to support each other so keep coming back. It helps.
You would probably gain more traction by focusing on yourself and going out and doing things on your own. Have a girls night out, or go to a club, dress up and go wine and dine yourself. Keep him guessing or wondering - but don't have an affair yourself during the period.
I got sucker-punched by an attorney so be sure and protect yourself.
Thank you DCBHM! I really appreciate your insight.
I would never cheat on my husband as long as we are still married...I love him too much. Not just that, but I am at a point where I cannot even imagine having feelings for or being physical with another man. It wouldn't be fair to anyone in the situation.
I have contacted an attorney, just because I don't want to have any surprises that I have to deal with alone. My H is making all these promises that he will continue to pay for our house until it is sold, that he will continue sending me money every month to pay for bills, but I am afraid that once we are divorced (which I hope doesn't happen) he will just cut me off and there will be no order in place to make him pay me. So I felt I had to get an attorney to protect my best interests. I don't want to fight with him over material things, but I don't want him to leave me high and dry with no financial support.
Depending on most states and given the length of your marriage you may be allowed some form of alimony/etc. for a set period - especially if you don't have other work or degrees.
Smart to do contacting an attorney. My W hired one who gave her the "Oh we'll hit him hard and he'll roll over spiel" which made her feel empowered as though she could just take me to the cleaners where I'd get absolutely nothing and have to pay her ridiculous amounts of money.
Don't get suckered into filing for a D unless you feel it is imminent and your interests would be best protected by filing in your home state.
OK, So I am having a really hard time today. I hate this roller coaster ride. I hear of my H spending weekends with OW and doing things with her that he never wanted to do when he was with me. Things he said he just wasn't interested in doing, like going to waterparks and such. I know he's doing them with her now because they are in the "new" phase and they will do whatever they have to to make each other happy. I am so upset today. I had a few good days where I was feeling like I would just move on and leave him in the past, and today I woke up missing him like crazy and just wanting him back. It is so difficult being 1000 miles apart from each other. Doesn't make the DB easy at all. I feel like I am "out of sight, out of mind". I just want him to come home.
I've been there. It does get easier if you keep yourself busy. I find that cleaning, exercising, and doing things with the kids keeps my mind off of things.
Last time I went through the D process I was able to get my mind right by doing yard work with an axe taking down trees and hauling the pieces off to a burn pile.
Keep the faith... goes without saying I'm sure.
KTF-
I am in a very similar situation to yours-
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1811031&page=1I think my W is having a mid-life crisis. Your H may be as well, even if he is not yet at "midlife".
Here is what seems to be working so far for me: detach, detach, detach. Drop the rope. Get a life, get busy, take care of myself, don't wait around for her to get home, be out having fun, be a little mysterious. Be the greener grass (I love that one!)
Here is what definitely has
NOT worked for me: talking about how good the relationship was (she has a totally different perspective, and right now she sees only what wasn't working between us); telling her how painful it is for me (she wants me to acknowledge how painful it is for
HER); telling her she is making a mistake.
It is a road she is going to have to walk and figure out herself. If that other relationship blows up, and I am pretty sure it will, I may or may not still be available to put things back together, depending on how long it takes her fog to lift. Every day apart is more water under the bridge- but at least for now there still
IS a bridge.
What I am not doing and will not do, until/unless a D is final, is get physically or emotionally involved with someone else. I actually had to say no to sleeping with someone last night- tough to do after no sex for 8 months.
But this board is full of stories of folks that have incredibly complicated their reconciliations because they had an affair while/because their partner had an affair.
Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? Do it.
I have read DR twice now. I am trying so hard. There are days I want him back and some days I just want to throw in the towel and just give up. This is such a tough road to travel.
Today has been difficult already. I found an old letter he wrote to me where he was saying how much he loved me and that he loved me so much he believed we could overcome any obstacle we come across. In the letter he said he would give his own life up for me if that's what it took to prove his love and that he would love me this entire lifetime and even the years that followed.
I thought about mailing that letter to him. I don't know.
Then he called me yelling at me about something I told his mother. I have received a few weird text messages on my phone that appeared to come from the OW. She denies it, Of course! He believes her. I told his mom about the messages and when she spoke to him she told him that if that was the type of person he wanted to be with then she wanted nothing to do with her. He told his mom he wanted to bring her home to meet his family and she told him not to. She told him she doesn't want to meet the OW, and doesn't know if she'll ever want to meet her. So he blames his mother's feelings on me. He says I am the one who is turning his family against OW. So I just said, no, YOU are the one who ran off with another woman. YOU are the one who created this situation. Not me. He then told me that I didn't need to add to it by talking to his family about it. I told him that his family loves me, and they call ME to ask how I am doing...so I tell them...
I am so afraid he is pulling farther and farther away, and I don't know how to stop that! He also told his mom that the OW is now a part of his life and she needed to accept that.
Re-read DR again. You are doing things that are pushing him away. Stop it.
DON'T read old letters- it's really hard, but you just get into wallowing in your pain, and not thinking about what you need to do to take care of yourself.
DON'T involve his family, even if they are calling you. That is going to p*ss him off and push him away. Just tell them you are doing the best you can to take care of yourself, and leave it at that.
DON'T get into the "YOU did this, YOU ran off" blame game. Again, it will just push him away. If he expresses angry emotions at you, just say "I am sorry you feel that way". STAY AWAY FROM RELATIONSHIP DISCUSSIONS! You are not speaking with a rational person!
My DB coach told me to use this tool before I say or do anything to my partner: "Would K say that what I was about to do or say was going to push her away, bring her closer, or just be neutral?". Good tool for you to step back and analyze your interaction before you open your mouth.
My partner has left me for OW. We had a 16 year relationship that I thought, and most friends agreed, was great. Now, my partner tells me that we had issues that were unresolved from the beginning of our relationship and she got tired of trying to get me to fix MY issues. She wants me to acknowledge that we are not breaking up because she is involved with someone else, but that our relationship was so broken she didn't want to try to fix it anymore. Funny, but the month before she went to IL for the new job, she ASKED me to buy her a new wedding ring (the stones in the old one were broken), so everyone in the office would know she was married!
I could remind her of this, and of all the good times we had and love we shared, but she doesn't want to hear it now. Nothing I say will change her perspective until she is ready to change it, and that will only come with time. I suspect it is the same with your H....
Oh my. THANK YOU. You are so right. This is why I love coming here...I need people to put me in my place...because I don't know what to do or say.
It seems like when we talk he just gets angry and that is NOT the response I want from him. So what should I do now after this morning's episode? Should I apologize for making him angry or just leave it alone and act differently the next time I speak to him?
Before this all happened with us, people would refer to us as the "perfect" couple. We were happy, never fought, had fun together...people envied what we had. Until H fell off the deep end, met someone else and within 2 weeks decided this OW was the love of his life. Amazing how some people can just switch off their feelings so easily.
i wouldn't even mention it. if he brings it up, change the subject. if he starts getting angry or yelling, get off the phone. he needs to realize that you (or anyone for that matter) are not there for him to yell at...
Since what you are doing is not working (it is a "cheeseless tunnel") you need to do things differently. Do a 180. Figure out the things you might need to change, for YOU, and start to do them.
Get a different haircut. Don't be home when he calls. Don't be quick to answer his texts or e-mails. Let him wonder about you. Take up a new hobby, or get back involved in an old one. Do SOMETHING to get yourself out of the mental hamster wheel of always thinking about him and what he is doing.
Re-read the book. ;-) There is a game plan in there.
So last night I didn't call H back...I just left the situation alone. His mother called me and she told me how she spoke to my H last night and he wasn't as irate as he was earlier in the day. She reminded him of all the hurt and pain he has caused.
Then as I lay down to go to bed, I prayed. I didn't say my usual prayer asking God to intervene and break up H's R with OW. I simply asked that H really realize the hurt and pain he is causing. I asked that when H woke up this morning, his head be filled with guilt and remorse.
So just a few minutes ago, H called me. He called me and said he just wanted to apologize for the way he acted yesterday towards me. That he knows this is very hard for me and it is hard for him as well. He said he just wants things to go smoothly and for us to be able to remain friends. I told him I appreciated his call. He then told me to have a good day and I told him to have a good day as well, and that was it. Short and cordial.
So just a few minutes ago, H called me. He called me and said he just wanted to apologize for the way he acted yesterday towards me. That he knows this is very hard for me and it is hard for him as well. He said he just wants things to go smoothly and for us to be able to remain friends. I told him I appreciated his call. He then told me to have a good day and I told him to have a good day as well, and that was it. Short and cordial.
Well that shows promise for the situation, and that some prayers don't go unanswered.
I just spoke to my MIL again, and she told me that she asked my H, "you have been with your wife for 10 years, how can you just up and leave your whole life behind?" He told her he was just at that comfortable stage. What the heck is that?? I think that's the best part of marriage!!
Good way to handle him! Cordial, not clingy and needy. A good first step!
KTF-
I saw this post on a thread started by BrandNewDay- it is the first post on page 1 of the 756 pages of posts she has. I liked it so much I copied it- the post is by Dogma:
Greetings all,
I am a short timer here. My WAW moved out in Mar after the "bomb" hit in Dec. Is she coming back to me and three children to revive an M of 11 years?
I do not know and I do not care.
In my short tenure in this marathon of marital and spouse struggles and reading the bb, I've formed a few conclusions of my own I would like to share.
DISCLAIMER. These opinions in NO way represent Michele, the moderators, other posters, the bb, and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.
1. There are NO magic answers. Sorry, all you newcomers who arrive seeking the magic potion to revive the spouse and marriage; there is NONE.
2. I will not repeat the standard DB methodology here. The odds are you have had it drilled into your head ad naseum. FOLLOW IT. If only for you own sanity.
3. The WAS does NOT give a darn about what you are doing, so quit worrying over what they are doing. You CANNOT control their actions, beliefs, thoughts, etc.
4. Quit pushing. Quit hoping something will happen NOW, TODAY. It will not, unless you keep pursuing, then you can almost guarantee the outcome and it will not be the one you seek.
5. Relax. Exercise. Walk. Run. Play a sport. Ride your bike. Chase your kids. Take ALL the energy you are wasting WORRYING over your spouses actions and how your actions affect the spouse and put it into something you control.
6. Find a new balance. When the spouse quit on the family and the relationship, the dynamic swung violently out of balance. Find a new center. Focus on you, the children, the dog, something besides the old dynamic.
7. The previous M or R is deceased. Quit digging it up and examining it and trying to breath life into the lifeless form. Start a new R, hopefully with your spouse. But the old R has to die or you will be right back where you are now.
8. Quit taking blame. You are 100% responsible for your 50% ONLY. You contributed to this, but you did not do this. The spouse is being selfish and cares ONLY about themselves. Remember that.
9. It is ok to be sad, angry, frustrated, bitter, confused, and all the other emotions churning around. Find a time or place and experience the emotion. Do not deny it, but do not let it control you. And do not let the spouse see it.
10. Be positive. Be upbeat. Again, if only for your own sanity. Fake yourself out. Self-fulfilling prophecy. This goes right to "act as if." You will feel better and it will become second nature.
11. You may not get your spouse back and guess what, you may reach a point where you may not want them back. You are in control of your R and your life now. ENJOY.
Hi again all. I'm back in the D forums under Dogma (I was DBB last Spring 04 when WAW moved out.) D was final Nov 04.
Hang in.
Bruce
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
True words of wisdom here- esp. #4 & #7. Hope you liked it as much as I did.
Hi Arwen,
Great post, thank you for sharing with me!
OK, so this morning H called. I could tell right away in his voice that something was wrong. So I asked him if he was ok and he said yeah. We had a short cordial conversation about football and weather and benign things like that. But I could still tell he was not happy about something. He was heading in to work and had to get off the phone. I asked him again, "are you sure you are ok? you don't sound good" Then he said no, he wasn't good, but that he didn't want to talk about it. So I said that's fine, if you need to talk you know where you can find me. I then told him I hope he had a better day and he thanked me. And we got off the phone.
So now I am wondering what is wrong? I wonder if there could be trouble in paradise with OW. He sounded really down. If it was work related or something like that he probably would have offered more information. But he didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to pry.
I did the best I could!! I am just hoping that maybe things aren't seeming so perfect in his fantasy world anymore.
Hi there,
I'm in the middle of my own drama right now and I haven't read your entire thread yet but this has been repeated several times around the board:
Good mood (from a WAS with an OP) = bad for you
Bad mood = good for you
If he's down, something is definitely wrong.
Stay quiet and patient.
Hi there,
I'm in the middle of my own drama right now and I haven't read your entire thread yet but this has been repeated several times around the board:
Good mood (from a WAS with an OP) = bad for you
Bad mood = good for you
If he's down, something is definitely wrong.
Stay quiet and patient.
yeah my waw has admitied life is not as good as she thought but she still thinks it better than out R WTF? with out going into long details its safe to say her new life sucks bad! but i think they get strong willed after all its alot of work moving out and getting to that point . i think many would stick it out much longer than needed. and if they dont and they come right back it seems common they leave again. so I think what im trying to say is its better for both of you if they are gone along time. you heal and they get to see what its really like out there. how hard the world really is. how well they had it. once you get to the point where they have truily learned you should be at a point where you can decide for yourself "do I really want this selfish person back?"
I am hoping his bad mood does mean good for me!
I don't know if it was right or wrong to do this, but this morning I sent H a text that just said, "just checking on you to see if you are doing any better today" He replied and said yes and thanks for asking. He asked how I was doing and I said good. He said that was good to hear. Then he called me, he sounded better than yesterday, but still a little down. He then said he has a lot going on with work and stuff. Didn't elaborate and I didn't pry. I just told him I was glad to hear he was better. He then said he was going to come home soon to grab some sweatshirts. Didn't say when, but I was surprised to here him call here "home". He hasn't been referring to our house as home at all, he has been referring to it as "there". I don't want to get my hopes up, but I hope these are all good signs.
So I tried to call H last night to tell him that the son of a friend of his passed away. I could tell he "ignored" my call because it rang twice and went into vm. I tried him again a few minutes later and his phone was off. Which leads me to believe he was with OW. He called me this morning, again it was a cordial conversation. Sometimes I feel like I am overanalyzing what he says, but I can't help it! I am looking for any positive signs. Maybe I am just grasping for anything. But the kid that passed took his own life and he was 15. So I said to H, what do you know about life at 15 that could convince you to take your own life? Then my H made the comment, "I don't know much about life at 30". So I wonder what that meant? Do you think he is confused??
So I tried to call H last night to tell him that the son of a friend of his passed away. I could tell he "ignored" my call because it rang twice and went into vm. I tried him again a few minutes later and his phone was off. Which leads me to believe he was with OW. He called me this morning, again it was a cordial conversation. Sometimes I feel like I am overanalyzing what he says, but I can't help it! I am looking for any positive signs. Maybe I am just grasping for anything. But the kid that passed took his own life and he was 15. So I said to H, what do you know about life at 15 that could convince you to take your own life? Then my H made the comment, "I don't know much about life at 30". So I wonder what that meant? Do you think he is confused??
thats how i take it but my W does the same thing says she is confused ect. but one thing she knows is she cant live her (roll eyes)
I am wondering if my MIL could be hurting my DB efforts?? Every time H has called I have not discussed R. I have tried to be upbeat and not show him that I am hurting inside.
SO, MIL called me today and said she had talked to my H. She asked him how he feels knowing all the hurt he has caused people. He said "like who" She said, for one, your wife, and for two, the rest of the family. His comment to her about me was that whenever he talks to me I seem to be ok with things. She then said that's because you are so far away and don't see her cry and see the pain she is suffering.
Could this hurt my chances if she is telling him that I am hurting?
So I am so confused. I write here because I need to get these thoughts out of my head! If anyone can offer advice, I would be very grateful!
I am so tired of the seesaw effect I am having. One day I want to just let go, and the next day I have a glimmer of hope, and so on. I absolutely love my H and I want nothing more than to work out our M.
After H initially dropped the bomb on me he was barely calling me. Now lately he seems to be calling me everyday around the same time. I don't know if I should continue answering his calls or not? I do NOT bring up R at all. Today he asked if I had responded to the D papers and I said no. Then I quickly ended the conversation. Just told him I was busy at work and had to go. Should I just go dark for a while?
I was thinking of speaking to him this weekend and asking him, "are you happy where you are?" "Are you 100% sure this is what you want?" "Is there absolutely nothing that will change your mind?" I was thinking if I asked just those questions, and he answered yes he's happy, yes he's 100% sure, and no there's nothing that will change his mind, then I would go completely dark for a while.
Do you think this would help my cause at all??
Do you think this would help my cause at all??
No. Not at all. The coulda woulda shoulda of what you would have said will torture you even more than the feelings you are having now.
I just don't know what to say to him when he calls. I find myself biting my tongue all the time.
This morning he called me and asked me if I had met anyone yet...WTF? I wanted to say, NO I haven't met anyone! I am still married. Then he said "just because we aren't together, doesn't mean I don't want you to be happy" What do I say to that? I wanted to say, "if you want to make me happy, then don't call me anymore." Everytime I talk to him he puts me in a bad mood.
Don't worry so much about anything but yourself. Don't worry about what your MIL says. Don't call him. When he calls you do what he does, let it go to vm. These will be 180s for you. What GALing are you doing? Keep yourself super busy so you don't have time to think or worry so much....
Karen
Thanks Karen. I am trying to keep myself busy. I good friend of mine and I have been scheduling spa days for massages, facials, and things like that which have helped reduce my stress. Last night I went to a concert with friends....so I am trying to GAL!! It's so hard, I am so used to doing "couple" things...
Be careful of
pursuing and "temperature taking":
"are you happy where you are?" "Are you 100% sure this is what you want?" "Is there absolutely nothing that will change your mind?"
If you put pressure on them, they go in the other direction. Someone on another thread compared them to feral cats. They need to figure things out on their own if they are going to be coming back. Work on yourself and change the things you should change for
you.
Don't worry so much about anything but yourself. Don't worry about what your MIL says. Don't call him. When he calls you do what he does, let it go to vm. These will be 180s for you.
Listen to Karen. This is excellent advise. My WAS left me for OM. Since I confirmed the PA, I have gone NC and it is starting to affect her. She is emailing me more, etc. I don't hold out much/if any hope for our marriage and am basically digusted with her at this point and want her to know I can and will get by without her. But doing a 180 is the only way I can maintain my sanity. If she wants to consider reconciling, she will have to come to me.
Keep doing your 180. The person that cares less about the relationship is in control. Make that you. There will be days you struggle and want to contact him (believe me, I have those days too), but stay strong.
Over the weekend H didn't try to call me at all, probably because that's when he's spending time with OW. I didn't try calling him either. But I KNEW for sure he would try to call me today. He usually calls every day while he is at work. When he is not with OW. So far today he has called my cell phone 4 times and our house phone once. I have not answered any calls. I am not calling him back.
Way to go! Don't stop either. He may not react right away, but he will.
So now H has called me 7 times and he even called his mom to ask her if she knew where I was. She said she just said to him "How would I know? I don't live with her!" Way to go MIL!How long do I do this NC for?? What do I say if I do end up talking to him and he asks why I haven't answered his calls??
BTW...I like your screen name WalkbyFaith!
H ended up calling 9 times on Monday, I didn't answer, didn't call back. He called 5 times yesterday, and I had to answer the phone to stop him from calling. I just told him I was really busy and couldn't talk. He was angry with me for not taking his calls or returning them. He wanted to know what I was doing that I couldn't answer them and I just said I was busy.
Keepthefaith,
Isn't it funny how the 180 works? You're doing great!!
Keep it up. Let us know how things are going.
Hello all...I am doing well. I find myself to be in a better mood lately when H doesn't call. He called me on Thursday and we kind of had it out on the phone, he keeps asking me if I've met someone yet. So I just said, NO....I am married and I don't go looking for relationships while I am married. He then said "ouch, that was a stab in the back" and I said, it was just me stating a fact. I was someone angry after I got off the phone with him and then I said to myself "don't let it get to you, it's not worth the energy" and I decided to be in a good mood. I was doing well all weekend, and he called me today...and again, I am not letting it get to me. He obviously doesn't care so I don't think I should let him get under my skin. I feel like he keeps asking me if I've met someone because if I say Yes, then he won't feel as guilty. Well, as far as I am concerned, his guilt can eat him up. He gave up the right to know what's going on in my life they day he walked out of it.
He gave up the right to know what's going on in my life they day he walked out of it.
I think this is very true and many WAS dont seem understand this
He gave up the right to know what's going on in my life they day he walked out of it.
I think this is very true and many WAS dont seem understand this
It is amazing that they think that they can have that kind of relationship with us once they have left. It's like a little power trip. I imagine that they think we are like little birds in a cage, nothing changing. It must really get to them that we don't just sit still waiting for them in that moment of time when they left. That's what is so great about DB for us. We get to take the focus off of them and put our attention on ourselves and our kids.
Thats how I feel about my WAS, he asks when he can be bothered to ring/email Hope you are Ok? I really want to reply "why cos it will make you feel better if I am" But then of course I do my best not to make contact with him at all, so it never gets said thank goodness! I just carry on trying to live my life as best as I can and try not to think about him too much unless its forced into my face! Keep at it ladies we can only pray that one day they will realise what they are doing!
Boy this weekend was crazy. H called me up Friday morning and asked what I was doing that evening. I told him I wasn't sure, and then he tells me he is on his way home. But it wasn't to see me, it was because he had to go into his office on Saturday and wanted to grab a few more things. So he came home, it was very awkward. I didn't even know what to say to him. Just looking at him made me so angry and I couldn't wait for him to leave. He is just so cold, and rude, and heartless, and I swear everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. When he had gotten a townhouse down where he is working, he told me it was a one bedroom. I find out yesterday from a mutual friend that it's a two bedroom and the OW and her kid are living with him. The crazy thing is at first I wanted him back. Now I am not so sure anymore. All of these tidbits of information I hear about him, or even the stuff he says and does make me pull away even more. All he does is lie, lie, lie. I just feel like I don't want to see or talk to him anymore. He is starting to disgust me. He simply has become the type of person I despise. Far from the person I married.
I'm sorry to hear about that. I'm sure it was a punch to the gut.
Just hang onto the facts. Keep a journal and keep the faith in you.
Your H is going to regret all of this.
It definitely was a punch to the gut. Now I find out that on Saturday he withdrew all of his savings out of the bank. The funny thing is when I asked him if he did that, he said no. I didn't believe him because as I stated in my earlier post, all he does is lie! So I called the bank and sure enough, he closed his accounts there. Unbelievable. I just don't understand why he cannot tell the darn truth!
H did call me today to say hi, and I asked him if he had seen my notes. (I left them in his suitcase before he left). He said no, that he hadn't unpacked yet but he would check for them tonight. Well he called about 2 hours later and said he read them. I have a feeling he ran home to get them out of his suitcase before OW would find them! All he had to say to me was, "Thank you for the notes, I am sorry things ended up this way, I never meant or wanted this to happen, I wish things could have been different. I still care about you and I am still here for you and I will do whatever I can to help you out." So that made me sad...because I truly feel like he still loves me and cares about me, but it kills me that he isn't willing to do anything about trying to fix our M. I know it's because he is in the euphoric love stage with OW. I also know that R with OW has to play itself out before we could even begin to work on our M. But like I said before, I am already getting to the point where I don't know if I want to work on it because of all the betrayal and lies. And by the time he may realize he's made a mistake, I may have moved past it.