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Posted By: mdoodles he was back, i think - 05/27/09 11:18 AM
starting a new thread.

i am just so overwelmed and confused and angry and hurt.

who knows what today will bring.

i have to complete papers for the short sale for our house today, as well as clear up our health insurance issues and other paperwork.

most of the night my mind was racing about everything and of course watching tv, each show i turned on involved a mistress, how ironic.

i just dont know what to do. i have to push myself to move on, but its not what i want.
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 05/27/09 11:40 AM
...

not knowing straight off your sitch (being new and stuff), I would say... let your mind race to an extent... one has to think... but agree within yourself a time and place you wont do that.. maybe you have some favorite shows, or maybe you like cooking, or a hobby...

is there something you do, where you could say to yourself, "when I am doing that, I cant think of this". and you could make that your special retreat... a place where you know you must not at all think of these things. you could call it a parachute of the psyche. for me I have a few things. One is "my shows", I have two in a row on a thurs night I watch, and nothing must intrude. also the other is cooking, when cooking nothing must intrude re my x or sitch, the kitchen is sacred space. and i also escape into my bible, or reading time, at night. I think if things are getting very hard and sore, its safe and good to plan some "getaway" things where its easy to distract yourself. OH thats right also THE SIMS. when I play THE SIMS, im not allowed to think of x or sitch. thats my red button of emergency. if things are getting out of hand in my mind I can run off to the sims.

that isnt healthy long term... but it can be quite healthy to give yourself a break for a while, as in several years, til you no longer need those props... i dont think there is anyhting wrong with those kind of escape mechanisms... depends if you can tell yourself and your mind and make the boundaries.

none of us want to move on, but life is going to carry on despite our protests so, to get thru it, it can help to have a few 'do not disturb' signs mentally.

who ever thought we'd be here? not i. im very glad I didnt have a crstal ball 20 years ago. id have been terrified. the kids wouldnt have been born! no one chooses this place of non choice, but its not ours alone, and we must abide by our spouses choice even tho it sits very ill with us. in the end though we must not confuse acceptance with a giving up of hope. we can both accept our situation, and STILL hope for a happy ending, at once. called FAITH, and though hard to hold onto, we do so bc we fear the alternative.

the alternative is often not as tragic or terrible as we think but we're not at that point yet so why talk about it this early on. but me, I highly suspect letting go of that faith isnt going to be as hard as i thought, nor giving up as it feels. I bet dying feels a lot like that. well im not ready to die yet, NOR give up faith, so in the meantime I'll keep suspecting it might not be so bad to let go completely, and not do so... I know in the end I will but i'll do it on my time when its right for me. this is my pain and im holding it as long as i want. it probably IS smart to let it go but let me decide when.

its the same for all of us... we can only comfort one another. life goes on, even when it sucks. i choose the sucky bit right now. Im sure one day ill be wise enough to be smart. thats not right now so...

\:\) smile... we're all human... xoxoxo blessings your doing the best you can...
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/27/09 11:48 AM
i dont know how to not talk to him, i dont know how to switch my mind so quickly.

this must be a total mlc, always thought it was. i just cant relate to it.

i dont operate like him.

im waiting for the phone to ring, like every other morning when he didnt live at home
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 05/27/09 12:05 PM
in the end you wont... I was the same. In the end you wont. believe me.

its not a better place to be, but it is a lot more peaceful. of course you dont operate like him, hes being a selfish AHOLE. they always are.

keep reminding youself you can totally love someone, absolutely love them... but come to terms with the fact they dont feel the same about you. the pain never goes away or ends, but it does become manageable. think of it like say... learning to deal with a permanently bad back. it CAN BE DONE.

naturually we'd never choose that sitch. but you have to at least see you can live, if it comes to that, and quite well. this WONT KILL YOU. it only feels like it will LOL. but it WONT. you are going to LIVE. and you have a long TIME to live btw so you might as well do stuff you dont mind doing and do some of that stuff you always put off, maybe a new cooking course, learn to cook asian get a wok, or maybe its to do pottery, so get some classes. maybe once when you were 20 you liked the idea of quilting, or nail art, but never followed thru.

DO IT

you probably think right now, that yea you can live single and do stuff like above but overall its gonna suck, and not be what yo REALLY want. this is true. but remember this: you FAKE it til you MAKE it. it takes time before you realise your no longer FAKING.

we become as obsessed with saving our M as our ex does with the OP. that realisation alone is power. we think we have nothing else in our life, nothing to live for, so we suck on that addiction. Its better than NOTHING.

it might (or might not!) help to think that, and think, do i EVER want to be addicted to H, as he is to OW??? do ya???? given what hes DONE?

you know logically right, hes gonna regret her later.... or at least his actions. so logically, you might regret this pain and obsession with H that he doesnt really deserve, later on...

knowledge doesnt bring relief to pain but can illuminate ENOUGH for us to at least relieve our situations... to see a glimmer of truth, of POTENTIAL truth. that can be enough to walk towards, even if its not our dream, bc we know our dream may never come true...

theres alternatives...

and they aint so horrid. ideal no.. but not horrid. they're worth living for. and being happy about, grateful about. pain cant last forever... yours wont mine wont. every second wespend even talking to one another, thats more pain gone from hour "hourglass of emotional pain". this IS NOT forever. NOTHING in life stays the same. THIS wont either... you can BANK your faith on THAT, unlike a cheating spouse!

you wont always feel this way, itll pass, YAY. thank god for that. as for them, they can deal with their own issues! WE wont have "regret" as one!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/27/09 12:19 PM
thank you. its nice to hear this support even though i know it, its still nice to have it reinforced.

its just so unfathomable to me (is that a word? lol)...things were made so much worse with opening this business and using our families' money to do it, on his word.

and now he can tell me its time to move on, its enough already?

how does someone do that and say that? how does someone come home to his little boy and leave again?

i just cant. i dont want to be in this situation. but i know i dont have a choice.
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 05/27/09 12:30 PM
at the end of the day, its not about questioning them, or how they can do the things they do - you wont ever get those questions answered - its about no longer caring what the answers ARE.

you will reach that point and its a point of 'no return'. thats why we fight it so much... we know thats the real 'death'. for US. but it creeps up on you anyhow just like death DOES. one day you'll look up at the stars and think "I just dont care how he made his choices, or even if he regrets them; I only care how I think and feel; I'll NEVER know HIS mind". and the truth sinks in kind of like acid, only not so painful as you thought it WOULD be, at all. more like say, quicksand. just envelopesy you. its not something to look forward to, but it is something to at least know is down the road so you might recognise it.

thru all this stuff you gotta remember: can LOVE exist where theres no RESPECT? do you still RESPECT him? in my case I realised I had lost respect for him a looong time ago baby; dont even know when it happened; i was so busy focussed on the love I forgot about it... but once i remembered it, i realised something hard... without that, theres nothing BUT love and its a LOVE of the PAST. a love of WHO HE WAS. I dont respect him at all and I dont respect anything hes done, or who he is today. If he came back right NOW, that respect would STILL not be there. it would STILL be gone no matter how I wished it was there... and no patience or time is going to revive it, either. its either THERE or GONE. LOVE can exist without RESPECT, but as a partnership, wont thrive. we just forget that cuz they're GONE. but if he was back it would bc an ISSUE...

even tho you probably think you can never LOVE again guess what??/ you can RESPECT again. and thats how it will happen... you will repsect someone, for a long time. LIKE them a lot. for who they are.

and love will come back to you.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 05/27/09 01:24 PM
mdoodles--luv you sister so I'm going to say this--knock it off, cut the crap and say bye to all your guests at your pity party.

This is me shaking the crap out of you, get it together. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK.

You can do this, you just have to calm down and think.

Read DB or DR again. You have to figure out your More of the Same Behaviors and STOP IT. Stop talking about OW, stop talking about R/M and when he comes home today, just say, I was worried about you last night. A call or text would have made me feel better, but I'm glad you're ok -- then walk away or change the subject.

It's time to repackage you. Take the parts of the old you he fell in love with and parts of the new you that YOU love and put them together. Be the chick one million men would kick your H's butt for.

Snap out of it. This is your life--don't waste one more second of it.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/27/09 05:07 PM
i agree with u.

if it werent for the business, this wouldnt be as big of a mess.

the business will have to just close now, because i cant give more money.

i feel like this is my fault, and i know its not.

he chose this.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 05/27/09 07:04 PM
what kind of business is it?

What are you going to do next? What's your next plan of attack or whatever?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/27/09 07:25 PM
we opened a gourmet market - like a gourmet deli, butcher shop, bakery and catering business.

we have no choice but to sell it and close it at the same time.

i cannot give money to it knowing he is still paying some of the ow's bills.

the business was supposed to be able to support itself and us, and it is not. therefore my parents were helping it.

i cannot allow that to continue.

if we lose it all, fine, but we cant lose more.

big mess.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 05/27/09 08:18 PM
right
sounds like it
whats your next move for H?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/27/09 10:05 PM
we are done. im devastated but truthfully, he is disgusting.

he called here before, i wasnt home.

he called again, i answered, didnt say anything to him, just put my son on the phone. when my son handed it back to me, i heard my h talking to the ow. i cursed him and hung up.

he called back. i said, do not do this to us now. have some respect, do not call us with her in the background, not now, not so soon after what u have done.

he says, its not her. i was like, stop lying, i hear her talking in her language (she is foreign, not a citizen here).

all she wants is her citizenship, good luck to her, we wont be divorced for a very long time.

as soon as i was doing alittle better, i get hit again.

i had met a friend with the kids at mcdonalds this afternoon so they could play and have a happy meal.

and i come home to this phone call?

i hope he feels the pain one day of what he has done.

he should still be at our store, instead he closed it early and was already with her.

im nauseous. the enormity of what he has done is just too much.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 05/28/09 12:18 AM
Ugh. Disgusting. I hate the lying. Im glad that you called him on it. Can you run the store yourself? I dont mean indefinately, but on days when he leaves early can you close it? I think that one of the things that annoys me the most is a store that you cant count on to be open during posted business hours.

Once the house/business sells, whats your plan? Do you have a career to fall back on? I totally know the terrible feeling of not knowing whats going to happen next month as far as paying bills goes.

You should figure out a day when you wont have to talk to him/see him and set it aside to have a H free day. figure out a day when you wont need to discuss the business or your son and really spend it focusing on you. I found that I would be able to feel good until I saw or thought of H. If you start to wonder what hes doing, just acknowledge that thats not what you are supposed to be thinking about and move on. Do something that you love, whether its hiking, gardening, sewing, hanging out with girlfriends, whatever. Just make sure that you minimize his presence in your day... he sucks right now, he doesnt deserve your time of day!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/28/09 12:43 AM
thank you. whats my plan?

well, my plan is to move from my big beautiful house to an apartment, i am going to choose between 2 locations, both are nice and in great school districts.

career? not so sure. i have a degree in marketing but i dont really want to go back to working 9 to 5 at some office job. i will figure it out. its hard when u have been a stay at home mom for almost 6 years and money was never an issue.

its so hard. but its ok. because if i can do something i like, that fits into school hours, it wont feel much like work.

this pain is so unreal, so deep, even though really i have been at this for almost 3 years.

i am truly grieving for what i once had, this just has to be it.

i cannot ever allow him to torture me like this again.

because torture is truly what this was. some form of mental emotional abuse.

i told him not to come home unless he was truly committed to working on us and being a family, not to come home and open a business unless he felt he could really work this out.

and this is what he does? not even 2 months later? uhhh.

and knowing us, time will pass and he will linger around me, i swear i hope im strong enough to turn him away.

part of him wants him now, so badly, and i think its just to make the pain go away, to be able to say ha, i have him, not you.

my therapist said sometimes the wife just wants to win. maybe that is what this has been to me.

i dont know.

i will miss our sex life very much, i cannot fathom not being with him ever again. i guess is shouldnt think about it.
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 05/28/09 10:55 AM
mdoodles I can TOTALLY relate to the "sometimes the wife just wants to win" thing... WOW thats so SPOT ON for me... in my sitch i just loathe and detest his entire family so much and the OW so much I think, "wow would I ever love him to come back just to sitck it to THEM" and then I catch myself and think "omg what a rotten reason to get back with someone like HIM. They might be p'd off but they'd get over it, id be STUCK with him!"

i think thats something im struggling with a lot right now, in my mind, thinkin ok if he came back, would I be happy for ME or just happy i WON, and its an ugly realisation to think ok really it would be just that I WON, I dont really want HIM back, as a man or H. not now. im v mindful of it.. im not letting that creep back into my life for simple ego kudos.

I also reached a point where I keep reminding myself daily, being alone forever wouldnt be as bad as living with him and cake eating what he did, hed never forgive ME if the tables were turned anyway; why should I? when he'd not do the same? its nice to think they might TRULY be sorry for everything but deepin my heart I dont think he WOULD be, yanno, i dont think he WOULD truly regret it but just be mouthing the words. and I know if he ever came back it would be bc it didnt work out with HER and that family. SO not interested in being a second choice. or them saying I am, either...

ive been dealing a lot lately on just WHAT he could ever say to even come to a point where i could converse with him NORMALLY and I dont think there is ANYTHING actually. i think im only here on these forums, to get that closure within myself. really accept it. bc as you know our emotions go from one thing to the other like a weird cyclone. I might feel differently next week. but overall what im looking for is what temperature i keep RETURNING to, on my feelings... almost there

i hope everything goes as well as it can with your business... and yes I missed our sex life a lot too... unlike some here we had a very good and active sex life, tho I know he lied to OW about THAT too. whatever works for him to sleep at nights! at least I know i couldnt lie that bad.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/28/09 11:15 AM
thanks. the business is going to go under, i can only hope to see some of the money we put into it.

my husband lied from day one to the ow, about absolutely everything. i can only wish it catches up with him.

ive told her the truth, it seems she isnt believing much from him now, but that is her choice.

my wish is that it catches up with him.

i remind myself that if she "wins" him, she doesnt have the person i once had. he isnt that person.

that person would never do this.

she seems to think our "divorce" will be final soon.

ha, wait until she sees how long it takes and that im only agreeing to a separation.

she is looking for citizenship.

but really, its not about her. i cant help but think about her, but its not about her.

i need to move on.

i am a good person, so naturally i think of the good in people and the good in him. i need to stop.

as im thinking the good in him, feeling bad about him about how he wanted our business to work, is he thinking and feeling bad about me? about how he left his wife and son all alone for so long, coming home and leaving now 2 times, having an affair, lying about it and throwing away all of our money?

no.
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 05/28/09 11:25 AM
we are in the same space. the ow in my sitch just wanted a free passage to australia also - shes english. thought she'd get it and nearly did - he did bring her out here without telling anyone, even his mother. but I outed it and she got sent back home.

but I still think she holds out on him one day sneaking back here (hes over there with her right now) and bringing her out to live. shes trying to better her life and shes doing it at my and my childrens expenses without a care in the world...

and little does she know it wont ever happen I have him tied up nicely here, he wont come back unless hes got nothing bc he owes too much money but i bet he doesnt disclose that to HER.

i also know she doesnt have the person i had for 20 years. funny cuz her parents told me spitefully that "you never knew him really" and i was like "wow thats obvious isnt it" but later I laughed and thought, "well you dont KNOW the man I knew so yanno, same back atcha". i wouldnt have accepted a man like him in my life then, when I had the choice, and just bc we have history and kids doesnt mean I should give up those values - i wouldnt want a man like HIM. hes NOT who I KNEW. hes a stranger to me. not someone i ever want to know either.

its funny bc ever since I started crystallising on this i started getting TERRIFIED hed return. I still am. its my latest thing. im finally working it out and getting straight so it seems just PAR FOR THE COURSE he'll come back to stuff that p for me. thats what im dealing with now - my intense fear of his return that he'll mess with my life and head.

i really dont think theres anymore left in me, to so much as hear his voice again. sad its come to that but now i have THAT issue to deal with - after all we have kids. i would just like to do what HE tried so hard to do - and disappear forever.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/28/09 11:37 AM
glad to know im not alone, that someone else is in a similar position.

ive seen glimpses of the person i knew, and i think he really wanted to be that person again and just couldnt push his way through.

its unfortunate. my son will only know his old dad through pictures. he will see what we used to have, how fun everything looked in those pictures. all the parties and bbqs we used to make. the happiness.

i hope when husband lays down at night, he feels the weight of what he has done. when all is quiet, when he is not talking his lies of the day, he knows what he did and what he told people.

i know he will be back round my way, i know he will. it seems neither of us can really leave the other. he always leaves his stuff with me, he has never fully left.

i hope this time i am strong enough to turn him away.

this time i have to move, without him. its hard to think about.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 05/28/09 05:13 PM
Can you rent your house out? My plan is to rent my house out to make the mortgage payments, becuase god knows, if H stops making the payments Ill lose it if I dont do something. This way I can keep it, rent a much cheaper apartment until I finish my degree, (which Ill probably have to move to do), or win the lottery, you know, whichever comes first...

When he lays down he will sit with his mistakes. He will wish that none of it ever happened. Where will you be when that happens?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/28/09 06:30 PM
my house has been in foreclosure, we had tried to save it, but the banks were not working with us.

i stopped into the store for a minute before, i wanted to take home the giant delicious brownies, i might as well eat them so they dont go to waste if the store will close!

he didnt have the employees come in because he said he cant pay them.

of course i get sucked in, and i was like, i tried to talk to u about the store, u wouldnt talk to me. maybe when u are ready, we can address this.

he was like, im not ready to talk to u yet. so i was like, well thats clear, u seem to be blaming me, which is a joke.

he said he will be here after school to see our son.

whats funny is that i saw i had missed a call from him at home. if he really didnt want to talk to me, he wouldnt call. he could text me.

i hate this.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/28/09 08:54 PM
i just cant do this.

h came this afternoon (closed the store early). i wondered if he would ring the bell. no, he lets himself in and marches around like its still his house.

i dont get it. if it were me that truly wanted out, i would take my stuff and leave and when i came by to see our son, i would wait at the door to take him out.

no, he doesnt do that.

i cant go through this. i cant let go and at the same time, i feel like i only want to win. i dont want her to have him.

but i have to let go. i cant hang on, it wont let me move on to hang on.

i need to not see him or talk to him. well how practical is that?

i need to force the fact that he cant come in here. i should have him pick up our son at my in laws house so i dont see him.

but i know me, i will look at him out the window (they live next door).

this is incredibly hard. i dont know how to give up. i have held on for almost 3 years.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 05:36 AM
I know that now it seems so very hard, and like you just cant keep going... but really, what else is there to do?

You just wake up tomorrow for yourself and your boy. Baby girl, you have an incredibly bright future, if he is lucky enough to be there for it then great.. if not, well, its his loss.

One day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. When the $hit gets up to your eyeballs you put your goggles on and keep going, because you have to.
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 07:40 AM
Dear Mdoodles...

I so empathise, with all your feeling... I really get it, and I am in the same space, but you know part of the thing with this, is just deciding... that you dont HAVE to make any hard or fast decisions on how you feel... if you are anything like me, you probably feel differently every week right? you know, thats ok. I know its unfuriating but its also OK. I dont bother much talking about how I feel about x anymore bc its not true = i may feel differently tomorrow.

you will work thru this at your own pace and time, but its fine to just decide your too tired emotionally to TRULY decide how yo actually FEEL about anything right now. and maybe not for ages. I am like you - mostly id like to win so the stupid OW doesnt win. I understand thats not a good enough reason and its really beneath my belief system too, and I feel quite ashamed of that - theres no integrity there, bc I bet she felt the same about ME when she was wooing the ex, and i want NOTHING in common with HER. so i am at the stage atm where I remind myself, i am nothing like her and I would never stoop to her depths, i will rise above feelings such as those and feel v differently later on. on my good days, I dont care less if she wins or NOT and even hope they ARE together. in a way thats pretty damn good revenge.

but in themeantime, we do what we have to to just survive.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 10:54 AM
its just all moving to fast for me. one day he is here, we are working together on the business and one day its done.

and then at night i conjur up the ways to get him back. and why do i want him? if he could do this to me?

and after he was home yesterday, and still lingers around like normal, leaves all of his stuff (why didnt he take his shoes by that are sitting by the door, why?)...it just makes it harder.

my mother in law and i still try to figure out how to bring him back.

when i ask him if im correct that he does not sleep here any longer, he answers me with i guess. why not a firm no?

i am torturing myself. im choosing to torture myself.
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 12:17 PM
well, that healthy... and of course you torture yourself, you were with him a long time. you hsd a lot invested there...

look your not to be blamed for wanting your old life back, thats just normal. gee I think no one could truly call that 'weak' or anything...

but you are right, if he seems to have made his decision, your not wrong in deciding to let him live with it, for good and all. remember, even if you never find another man again, you still have yor kids and their families to live for, you got a lot going for you! its tragic yes, but its not ... dying. you can live thru it, if you choose to.

I think like me, you are in that place where you want to "win", and you want to know your marriage MEANT something! thats nothing to be ashamed of! its normal... but after some talk, and some intropsection, you begin looking OUTIDE that vaidation. thats only a small thing. it might seem the biggest thing RIGHT NOW, but overall in your life, you have other agendas too. and those will loom ever larger, as your sitch passes on into history.

I am the exact same, I would LOVE to "win" to just "win", against OW against the family, but at the end of the day it is not going to answer my deeper questions. even if it happened I wouuld still have issues...

im fighting to get past the "win" thing
Posted By: lola485 Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 02:16 PM
mdoodles...I so sympathize with everything you're going through. I so understand also what you and fightingfit said about just wanting to win. Some days I feel like that. The OW is a bottem feeder...was having an affair with his married best friend before she latched onto him. They actually overlapped for a brief period. Yet he doesn't see what kind of person she is. I have days when I feel ok with things...that maybe this is for the best, as life with him has been very difficult the past year since his daughter's death. But then I think of her "winning" and it makes me crazy. I read somewhere, don't know if it was a db book or not, about visualizing a stop sign when you start to think of the ow, and just stop it. Sometimes it works. I so feel for you and I will be watching your posts to see if there's anything I can offer to help. You're not alone in this.
Posted By: PositivelyMommy Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 02:37 PM
He doesn't say a firm 'no' because he is weak. He doesn't want to take the responsibility for a firm 'no'.

That's the way I see it when our H is noncommittal.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 02:46 PM
im totally in denial. totally.

this is what happens to me, its like a defense mechanism.

the store just adds this whole other level. if it werent for the store, i would be feeling more settled.

we set up a new life for us, i just cant let it fall. i just cant.

im struggling.

i havent emailed, called or text since yesterday evening.

i guess that is good.

but i feel myself getting dressed and going over to the store.

i want to pull back. then i remember my husband telling me how i didnt fight for him...the last time i pulled back.
Posted By: PositivelyMommy Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 02:57 PM
You are still in shock. Don't be too hard for yourself. You believed him when he said he would stay and make it work and with the store as well.

So he wants to be chased? Does he deserved to be chased? Is he worth fighting for?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 03:14 PM
anyone else would say he is not worth it. i want to agree. i am so used to fighting for him, i dont know how to stop.

well, i do know how, i guess i just dont want to.

i feel like going to the store now and handing him money. and i shouldnt.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 08:59 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


i feel like going to the store now and handing him money. and i shouldnt.


Doodles,

Re-read those two sentences of yours. Therein lies the key to real, successful DBing, and therein also lies the problem YOU'RE having.

DBing isn't complex, but it does take DISCIPLINE. Until you can force yourself to "Do the Right Thing," instead of what you FEEL like doing, you will never have any success.

You can't afford to keep operating entirely by your feelings. Especially when you know it's not the right move.

It's not EASY, I know, but it is SIMPLE.

Puppy
Posted By: lola485 Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 09:16 PM
doodles, I think I have moved past just a little where you are. Mommy is right, I think you're still in shock. That's a hard place to be because we just can't fathom what they're doing. It's like they're aliens and just don't think rationally. YOU WILL BE OKAY! I promise! Right now I don't know that you need a plan so much as you just need to try to get a hold on your emotions. Deep breaths. This is not the end of the world, although it seems like it. Baby steps. Take care of you....he will take care of himself. I know the business puts another wrench in things, but if you know it's going under, hold onto your money! You're going to need it for yourself. May be hokey, but I have a song for you...the first time I heard it on the radio I literally pulled over and just listened to it. I like it because it acknowledges the pain, but also hope for the future. It's by Leona Lewis

"Better In Time"

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice
you mean everything
Quickly I'm learnin'
To love again
All I know is
I'm gon' be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something that'd remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming
Don't wanna let that hurt my feelings
But that's the path I've been living
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: X2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 10:11 PM
do u know i avoided that song always, because i didnt want it to ever mean something to me? how ironic.

i know im in shock. im trying to just accept im miserable for now, rather than keep trying to be ok already.

i have held on for so so so so long, through so many things, gone from being served for the divorce, to us working it out, being served with foreclosure papers, to us trying to save the house.

i had shingles a few months ago, from stress.

i look in the mirror, and im like, im too young, too smart and way too pretty for this!

but it just doesnt help.

i have to let go of the life i once had and think about starting over. and i just dont want to.

i want him back. i dont want her to have him. and i cant let go of that.

i cant let go of who we used to be, i cant look at him and not feel attracted to him.

10 years is a long time to be with someone, especially since im only 30. all i know is him.

he did aweful things, so aweful, and i still want him? i know i deserve better, whats wrong with me?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 10:11 PM
do u know i avoided that song always, because i didnt want it to ever mean something to me? how ironic.

i know im in shock. im trying to just accept im miserable for now, rather than keep trying to be ok already.

i have held on for so so so so long, through so many things, gone from being served for the divorce, to us working it out, being served with foreclosure papers, to us trying to save the house.

i had shingles a few months ago, from stress.

i look in the mirror, and im like, im too young, too smart and way too pretty for this!

but it just doesnt help.

i have to let go of the life i once had and think about starting over. and i just dont want to.

i want him back. i dont want her to have him. and i cant let go of that.

i cant let go of who we used to be, i cant look at him and not feel attracted to him.

10 years is a long time to be with someone, especially since im only 30. all i know is him.

he did aweful things, so aweful, and i still want him? i know i deserve better, whats wrong with me?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 10:12 PM
do u know i avoided that song always, because i didnt want it to ever mean something to me? how ironic.

i know im in shock. im trying to just accept im miserable for now, rather than keep trying to be ok already.

i have held on for so so so so long, through so many things, gone from being served for the divorce, to us working it out, being served with foreclosure papers, to us trying to save the house.

i had shingles a few months ago, from stress.

i look in the mirror, and im like, im too young, too smart and way too pretty for this!

but it just doesnt help.

i have to let go of the life i once had and think about starting over. and i just dont want to.

i want him back. i dont want her to have him. and i cant let go of that.

i cant let go of who we used to be, i cant look at him and not feel attracted to him.

10 years is a long time to be with someone, especially since im only 30. all i know is him.

he did aweful things, so aweful, and i still want him? i know i deserve better, whats wrong with me?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 10:12 PM
do u know i avoided that song always, because i didnt want it to ever mean something to me? how ironic.

i know im in shock. im trying to just accept im miserable for now, rather than keep trying to be ok already.

i have held on for so so so so long, through so many things, gone from being served for the divorce, to us working it out, being served with foreclosure papers, to us trying to save the house.

i had shingles a few months ago, from stress.

i look in the mirror, and im like, im too young, too smart and way too pretty for this!

but it just doesnt help.

i have to let go of the life i once had and think about starting over. and i just dont want to.

i want him back. i dont want her to have him. and i cant let go of that.

i cant let go of who we used to be, i cant look at him and not feel attracted to him.

10 years is a long time to be with someone, especially since im only 30. all i know is him.

he did aweful things, so aweful, and i still want him? i know i deserve better, whats wrong with me?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 10:14 PM
did i mention i got pulled over today and i got my first ticket ever? just my luck.

i tried to explain to the cop that this can only add to my day, that my husband is leaving me for an illegal immigrant looking to get married for citizenship.

i thought maybe he could help me with that...i guess not
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 10:14 PM
did i mention i got pulled over today and i got my first ticket ever? just my luck.

i tried to explain to the cop that this can only add to my day, that my husband is leaving me for an illegal immigrant looking to get married for citizenship.

i thought maybe he could help me with that...i guess not
Posted By: lola485 Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 10:49 PM
Babe, I know, I know! If you're like me you're wanting to hold onto the person who used to be there. I'll be in a store or something and look around and go "How could I possibly have a relationship with any of these people? I want him". But then I think about the last 6 months and all of the lies, all of the nights I discovered he had seen her when he was supposed to be with friends, all of the emails I saw (and kept...I look at them sometimes). You said it yourself...you're too young, too pretty, and too smart for this! This doesn't mean that in the future there might not be a chance, but right now we have to look at right now. How are we going to get through today, through tonight, with respect and dignity intact? Sounds feeble, but I signed up for a writing class that starts in 2 weeks. I'm really looking forward to it. I used to write when I was in high school. Maybe it will open up the door to a book, wouldn't that be a scream?? And I will not change the names to make sure I incriminate the guilty, LOL! So sorry about your ticket...that cop must have been an a**. A little empathy would be nice. My parents are going to be here soon to take me out to dinner. I'll check back later to see how you're doing. Remember, one step at a time!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/29/09 10:56 PM
thanks, i appreciate your support. unfortunately, we are both in this but atleast we can support eachother.

i try to stop texting him, i was so so good at the dbing stuff and its all out the window.

it truly is one step at a time. one foot in front of the other.

i guess it could be worse, i could be stuck in bed, unable to get out.

i get my son ready for school, i even went to the gym again today.

and get this- a woman did the elliptical machine today in her nightgown - i kid u not! so atleast i was able to get dressed, i was a step ahead of her!
Posted By: lola485 Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 01:36 AM
LOL about the lady on the machine in her nightgown! See, you're TWO steps ahead...you're out of bed AND dressed! Just had a really nice dinner with my parents. They know we're getting separated, but I did not tell them about the OW. It would serve no purpose, and if we do eventually work things out and I'm able to forgive, I don't they ever could.

So what do you have planned for tomorrow? Any chance you could make the whole day with no contact with him? And you know it's okay not to be "okay" yet. No one expects that. I've had quite a while to get used to what's going on and I have not had to deal with the coming back, then waffling again. That would mess with anyone's head. My "head messer upper" is hearing how much he loves/cares about/ respects me and thinking he's finally being honest only to find out more lies. I know how hard it is. My H has always been my best friend, my soul mate...to know he would rather be with someone else rips my heart out. But I'm finding strength, and you will too. Who knows what the future holds for either of us. But the future only happens one day, one hour, one minute at a time. And we may not have control over them, but we do have control over us! Hugs!!!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 01:00 PM
its amazing to me how my anger can subside and i still want him back.

or is it because it is becoming a challenge?

either way, it stinks.

i find myself holding on, i think because it is easier than dealing with the pain.

i find myself texting him. and hanging on his answers.

i even sent a text last night, hoping the pyscho ow would check his phone (like she always did).

im in a bad place.

i had him here, i had him.
Posted By: PositivelyMommy Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 02:05 PM
mdoodles, he was there with you physically but he wasn't committed to you, honey. He wasn't emotionally there for you. I am so sorry these words are so harsh. It's better that you know that now than to experience more years of lies and pain.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 03:22 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
thanks, i appreciate your support. unfortunately, we are both in this but atleast we can support eachother.

i try to stop texting him, i was so so good at the dbing stuff and its all out the window.


Hey, I'm not a big "Star Wars" fan, but there IS no "try" doodles -- only "do."

Please re-read what I wrote you above.

Puppy
Posted By: karen43 Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 04:24 PM
So sorry. But you can do this. Do stuff you enjoy. Go out or take a walk or whatever. Call a friend. Read a book. Journal. If you feel like texting him, post here instead. Keep going to the gym, that's good too. Remember if that lady in the pj's can do it...
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 04:59 PM
im trying. but i cant help myself from going to the store, only to be made more upset.

i shouldnt have gone. but i did.

so now i feel worse.

he tells me he is fine. he will find a new job, wash his hands of this and he is fine.

i said, how could u tornado your way through our lives, push for this store and pull this? how? and you are fine?

i dont get it.

its not fair that he can do this, and go back to her. and claim to be "fine".

it hurts so bad. the store brought it to a new level of pain.

we opened it to get him out of that bad environment, to have a business we always wanted, to start over.

and this is what happens? so quickly?

i guess it will just take me time to accept it all.

im too good of a person to fully accept how awful he has hehaved. how the damage he has caused means nothing to him.

i just need time to pass. oh, and the ow to leave him.

let him sit and be alone and feel the effects of what he has done.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 05:42 PM
Mdoodles, The less you see him, the better you will feel, I am almost totally convinced of that. Sure hes convinced hes fine right now... see what he thinks of himself in a year or so.

My thing was checking H's Myspace and Facebook pages. My heart would pound as the page was loading and I hated feeling that way. So I stopped. I havent checked his page in months and it feels great. I think that its really important for you to remember that hes not fine. He is making choices that will haunt him for a long, long time.


Puppy! I need some advice, my thread is: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1734119#Post1734119
Ive had some developments and I dont know how to proceed. Can you give me a few minutes?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 06:00 PM
thanks. u are right. and i know it. this is just going to take time.

we have been down this road before, i guess that is why it is so hard to accept. last year at this time, i was ok, i was moving on.

and it all changed. and we went back to thinking about working it out and i got sucked back in so fast.

this time i think too much damage has been done.

i know i tried everything. i know i did.

and i know i had to find him last week and i had to text her and i had to talk to her when she called.

it wouldnt have changed anything. i could not have him back here and running around on me. not after this much time, not after opening the store, not after his word.

so i have to deal with it.

my thing, well my friend's thing to do for me, was to check the ow facebook. she started posting his picture for her profile when she started losing it 6 months ago.

but we stopped looking. it cant hurt me if im not looking.

i wish i never had to see him again. i really wish that. but i know i have to, because of my son.

im done crying for right now, im looking around at what i can start packing.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 06:17 PM
You should learn how to ride a motorcycle. I did. It was awesome! And it made me feel so good about myself. And I gotta say, I looked great in leather!

Is there something like that you can do for yourself? Maybe something like cake decorating, or riding a motorcycle, can you volunteer at the local fire dept? I know here they will pay for your training. Something neat that not everyone can do...
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 06:42 PM
i am a great baker, i was selling my cookies and thinking of starting my own business with them. my husband was looking into that stuff for me, and was ordering me baking catalogs.

i fell off track with that when i came down with shingles. it became too much energy for me. baking is not so easy!

u just reminded me of the baking i did and catering my husband and i did for the birth of his brother's son in february.

as our gift to them, we catered the baby's bris (jewish circumision/blessing party in case anyone didnt know what that was). i made the favors, individually wrapped chocolate chip m&m cookies. hmm.

im angry at the thought of it, and also put a smile on my face. there is no way im the crazy one here, no way he can walk around like he is fine, like none of the things we did together recently didnt happen.





i guess i can get back to that.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 07:12 PM
i cant stop crying. i just cant stop.

i cleaned out some things in the house, 2 garbage bags full. i guess its a start to get ready for packing.

i cant stop thinking about the ow, how she won him , she gets him.

and i get he isnt much of a catch right now, but he is my husband and she is getting him and probably laughing right now.

i cant stop thinking of how he is hurting me and how he just doesnt care. how could this be?
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 09:27 PM
Let yourself cry for a while. You have to. But dont let it take over your life. Im sorry that things are so hard right now. You have to stop thinking about them. She won the lying, broken scandalous man that he has chosen to become. She hasnt won your husband, right now, he doesnt exist.

Eventually you wont be able to cry anymore and you will get up and take care of your son and your self and he will be surrounded by the burning wreckage of what he has created. You get to decide where you will be when that happens.
Posted By: karen43 Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 09:37 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles

i cant stop thinking about the ow, how she won him , she gets him.

and i get he isnt much of a catch right now, but he is my husband and she is getting him and probably laughing right now.


Yep, she at least temporarily may have won the "prize". But who's going to be laughing last? She won the broke, dysfunctional, messed up, cheating, lying H. Woo hoo for her!

I remember reading how much pressure that must be for an OW (not that I'm sorry or anything). But they broke up the WAS' family, helped him become a lying cheater, many of our WAS are bankrupt or close...I don't know how they sleep at night, seriously. And I was just reading on PM's thread today and we were all posting about how many of us wouldn't even want our WAS as they are today. I sometimes think my revenge on the OW is she's in an R with my H. I'm probably the real winner in this, and you will be too, and see that down the road. Karen
Posted By: lola485 Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 10:10 PM
Doodles, you've gotten some very good advice from some very wise people. We were all in the same place emotionally you find yourself in now. It seems insurmountable, but it's not. God, when this all started coming down on me, I broke down to my 2 co-workers (I work in an odd environment, the areas are very segregated, so it's just me and them in our building), I broke down in my boss's office...not even my immediate supervisor, but HER boss!!! Can you imagine me telling my boss's boss that my husband is leaving me??? This all began not long after my step daughter's death. Since my H and I work at the same place, everyone knew the incredible emotional strain we were and have been under. I'm telling you this stuff because I want you to understand you are not alone in how you're feeling...we've all been there. But things will get better. I think initially it just takes some time to be able to come to grips with it. Like Bluerain said...let yourself cry. It's normal. You're not a robot...you are feeling this pain deeply. It will ebb and flow. You'll feel like you're doing ok, then it will wash over you. Let it. It's natural. I did read on here ages ago to cry all you want, just don't do it in front of him! Don't beg, don't plead, stop texting him!! Honey, no matter what he's telling you...he's not fine. Don't for a second think he's skipping away without a scratch. It's called Karma, and my belief in it keeps me going!!!

And I so agree about what exactly is the OW "winning". My h's OW thinks she's winning the fun rocker who meets her at a bar and has a few hours of fun. What she's getting is the shell of the man I knew. That was an escape for him. The real life day to day living with him is dealing with his grief and depression, and quite frankly I don't think she can do it.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 11:06 PM
thanks guys. i appreciate it.

i pulled myself together, my dad had taken my son out for a few hours and when he got home, i took him to the movies and out for dinner. its something.

Karen, u are right, bankrupt is one way to put it! my husband ran up over $100,000 in credit card debt as of last year. before he met her, we only ever used amex. my home is in foreclosure.

the person i married who wrote down every penny he ever made since he was 14 is not here now. he stopped even opening his bills or doing his check book.

i had taken over handling the mail and organizing the bills, which is crazy if u knew my husband!

i organized his credit card into a spreadsheet and handled the collection angencies when they called. i sent out dispute letters for him.

he started to get a grip, started making settlements on his debt and we opened the business. i really thought he would stay sane.

guess not.

so now he will need a new job, and still has his debt (which thankfully is not in my name).

i know the ow has to deal with this ugly version of him, his moods and lack of funds. she told me the other day on the phone, that she does not need this and does not need to be treated this way.

clearly not paradise.

but it hurts. and it will for a while.

he called me 2 times while we were at the movies. i did not answer.
Posted By: lola485 Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 11:41 PM
Good for you on not answering! I think I may have missed earlier what your relationship is with OW. Was she a friend? I ask because I can't imagine talking to my h's ow on the phone. I knew her, but was not friends with her. We have had a few emails back and forth, few and far between and they weren't very nice. I'm pretty sure I called her bad names, LOL! You do sound like you're doing a little better. Remember...baby steps. The financial thing sounds like a nightmare. But at least like you said, his debts are not in your name. I'm really unclear on the laws concerning that sort of thing tho, and I know they differ by state. Might be a good idea to get legal advice just so you know where you stand, especially concerning the business. One thing I've read about is that prepaid legal thing. Someone on here might have more info concerning that. I just want to make sure you and your child are taken care of. Don't let sympathy for him cloud your judgement where that's concerned. Let me know how you're doing, I'm thinking of you!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/30/09 11:55 PM
no no no, not friends with ow!!!! no no no.....she was a factory worker where my husband used to work, she came over here from another country, she was 19! this was almost 3 years ago.

i spoke to her the other day, she had called. she likes to call.

ive spoken to her a few times, she called me in october/november, i was able to tell her everything i ever wanted to say, spoke like a lady, let her know the truth.

heard from her after that, she called yelling and telling me lies. she is slightly nutty, or maybe just getting that way from listening to his lies.

she started calling alot when he came home, and texted me that she wanted to talk. i did not answer....until this week, i answered her that if she still wanted to talk, i would. she texted back and forth, that she didnt need to talk blah blah blah.

then she called me the next day.

i just hope she leaves him. i hope she meets someone that isnt already married and can treat her well.

regarding the legal, i retained a lawyer last year. im covered on that front, i will most likely get anything that is left to get based on the evidence i have gathered on him. he really doesnt have much of a case.

wait until ow sees she cant get married so fast.
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 07:43 AM
I dont think any of us like the idea of our H or W staying with the homewrecker; its a horror, that thought. It does happen though - but you can rest assured it would not be a very 'peaceful' relationship, not with the kind of history. And I imagine they dont tell fond stories of how they met either HAHAHA. Or if they did they'd have to heavily omit the truth! Come to think if it, I have never ONCE met anyone who has admitted they met their H or W when they were still married and cheated with them!!!! I guess it doesnt SOUND too good !

Kind of makes me feel sorry as well for the family in general - certainly they'd know it was pretty sordid and frankly it would be really hard to accept I think. I imagine the parents for example, and think it must be fairly terrible to have to accept a new DIL who wrecked your sons marriage - even if you didnt think highly of the former DIL, you'd still feel really uncomfortable about her, and wonder about her morals overall, and she ISNT the mother of your grandchildren...

Sometimes I think OP's like the idea of acting like a sitcom and settling down with a nice cup of tea with the cheated on wife or husband and saying "no hard feelings, lets be friends". IN THEIR DREAMS. there are hard feelings alright. They wont go away - ever! they might for the OP, but not for US! they probably like the idea for salving their own conscience and to be able to spout on to others that they have 'nothing against' the former w or h and 'get on with them quite well' - after all beign able to say that would make them look better. Why should we do a thing that would make THEIR life easier??? no way!

it DOES take a long time - a really long time but in the end when the sting has gone (the pain never does, but you stop stinging over it so much) you kind of snicker a bit thinking of them still together; after all they very much deserve one another dont they???

let us hope that once our own sitches are over and we heal we find someone very special... happiness is the salve to this kind of hurt... xoxoxo
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 11:51 AM
u are right, im sure its not too peaceful. cant be.

and with what she was saying the other day, seems she was coming to her sense. problem is, he probably twisted the story again to get her to believe him.

i know she searches his phone, calls back numbers that she doesnt know and asks who they are.

can u imagine?

im trying so hard to let go. i think i need to accept that im trying to let go. maybe that comes first.

but it hurts.

i did not text him last night. i guess that is good.

and i find it funny he didnt call this morning to talk to our son. he always does this, when he is mad at me, he doesnt call him nearly as much.

when things are good with me, he calls like clockwork.
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 12:07 PM
Yea its strange how people who cheat have no trust isnt it??? Cant think why wink

The point is H ran off to the OW bc it made him feel good, all those good juju feelers that kick in when your falling madly in love, we all remember that! But as you know THATS never going to last is it?? then what do they have - basically just like ALL of us, they have to learn to live with one another! And OW has a LOT to live with doesnt she???? haha. Just THINK of dealing with all that BAGGAGE. yea, she really 'won' eh? If it were me I think id get pretty sick to death of the pink elephant standing in the room all the time (YOU!) I also think id get pretty sick of playing amataur psychiatrist! I bet anything the OW often says "SHUT UP ALREADY" or wishes once and for all she could just FORGET YOU EXIST! oh well such is life for an OW!

every day is another step forward, love yourself a lot. I mean, the most tiring thing in all of this is the never ending inner dialogue that goes on in your head, 24/7. I think in the end, the idea of reconciliation often isnt so much about THEM at all but about US wanting to 1) win and 2) stop that inner dialogue!

I think your doing fantastic. You are stepping thru your anger and grief at the moment and entering the gray world of despair and acceptance which is disgusting and horrid. But beleive it or not, dont resist it too much bc once your there a while you DO look back an think, well this is better than how I felt BEFORE, always furious and angry and fighting and desperate. During that stage you pretty much yoyo - one day might be pretty terrific the next might be filled with despair - one day you might be glad hes gone and convinced you'd never look back, next day you'll slip back into angst and pining. The only thing you can predict is that your feelings wont be predictable!

means your a human being, an one day will love again... and be very loved as well. but as they all say, you gotta love yourself first - I think thats the HARDEST thing to do of all, and (lets hope on this) the final frontier!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 12:14 PM
yes, im sure there is a big elephant in the room! and it must stink for her to know he can never truly get rid of me, because of our son.

i pray she meets someone else and leaves him. that is what i want.

it would make this that much better on me. atleast for now.

i hate waking up in the morning. in my sleep i dream we are ok, and then i wake up.

its terrible.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 12:19 PM
Originally Posted By: FightingFit

Sometimes I think OP's like the idea of acting like a sitcom and settling down with a nice cup of tea with the cheated on wife or husband and saying "no hard feelings, lets be friends".


That's why I feel that those LBSs who DO this, only enable their wayward spouse's poor behavior.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 12:23 PM
who could ever be friends with the ow?

the few times ive spoken to her, i spoke like a lady to tell her the truth.

there is nothing else to say to someone like that.

i spoke nicely, u get more bees with honey.

now that she knows the truth, she can do what she wants with it, which seems to be to believe him.

i hope my words weigh heavy on her.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 12:28 PM
Don't hold your breath. She is, by definition, a predator.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 12:32 PM
i want the pain to go away.

i wish i had the ability to pack his things and leave them by the door.

i cant do it.

and i wonder why he cant either.

i want to let go, to be so angry that i dont want him back.

ive held on to hope for so long, i dont know how to let go.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 12:38 PM
Yes you do. You're just not WILLING to.

Doodles, I know this isn't easy (in fact, it's the hardest thing you've ever had to do, I'm sure), but the fact is that your husband's behavior is utterly predictable, and you have a role in enabling it. Go back and re-read what WhatdidIdo and I posted to you back when you first came on the board, in January, and then again when you re-posted a few months later.

If you will be honest with yourself, you will see where you failed to fully confront your husband.

Please understand: his wayward behavior is NOT your fault. His affair(s) are on his soul alone. But how you REACT to his poor behavior IS under your control, and you've never really been willing to insist upon the things that a healthy Doodles should need in order for a wayward spouse to GET to come back home to her.

Again, go back and read specifically WDID's posts, and look at your responses to them. I see a bunch of "Oh, that will never work," and "he'll never do that," and "that will only make him angry," etc.

We told you that stuff back then because we cared, and we didn't want to see you hurt again.

We still care.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 12:51 PM
u are right, i didnt insist. i spoke up, said what needed to be said, but didnt insist.

so what do i do now? i honestly think too much has occurred for us to get back together.

i said that last year too, and things turned around.

but this time, after the business, too much has gone down.

but i still hold out hope. what should i do with it?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 12:54 PM
Well, packing his things and leaving them by the door (preferably on the OTHER side of it, with the locks changed) would be a good start.

But that's just me.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 12:56 PM
why am i so afraid to do that? everyone tells me to pack his things and i wont do it.

im afraid of making this real, making it peramanent.

either way it has to be done, i have to move in the next few months.

this whole time of under 3 years, he has left and come back left and come back, and my closet has always been full of his stuff, the garage, the drawers etc.

his shoes are by the door and i cant move them.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 01:22 PM
Doodles,

I would recommend doing this to pretty much ANYONE whose spouse had done to them what yours had done. But for someone such as yourself, to whom the mere presence of their spouses belongings have so many emotional triggers that hold you back, I think it's trebly important.

I think where you're hung up is this "I'm afraid to make it real" thing.

Honey, it IS real.

Or, as someone else posted to you recently, "He already IS gone."

I say that not to hurt you further, but to try to get you to see the reality of your situation so you can begin to deal with it more effectively, and -- eventually -- heal.

Peace,

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 01:29 PM
im afraid that releasing his stuff fully releases him to her.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 01:33 PM
Sigh . . .

Doodles, he is not yours to "release." He is a grown (albeit very immature) man, who gets to make his own choices, good and bad, in life.

You don't get to control him.

You DO, however, have a golden opportunity to grow as an individual thru this hell, IF you will embrace it.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 01:40 PM
i hear u, i do. i really do.

i just cant bring myself to remove this things. i am holding on to them, as if something will change, that if i hold on long enough, he will be back. again.

although i know that packing his things or not will not change anything.

maybe its all too new for me to do it.

or maybe i have to do it without thinking. maybe my friends have to come and do it for me.

i held on so so long to my fairytale outcome that isnt happening. but somewhere in my head i think if i hold on yet again, things will change.

im too smart for this, and i know it. im a college educated girl graduated with a 3.7 from a terrific school, and it means nothing when it comes to intelligence of the heart.
Posted By: PositivelyMommy Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 01:40 PM
Mdoodles, I know what you are trying to say. I understand Puppy as well.

Mdoodles, you think that by holding onto his things, you still have a piece of him with you, that you are holding onto a little bit of hope. I totally understand that state of mind. And by 'releasing' his things, you are then acknowledging to yourself that you are giving up the last shred of hope. To you, this is immensely symbolic.

All I can say is, don't be afraid to let go. It really is OK for you to let go.

What Puppy is saying is that holding onto his things doesn't mean you have ANY control over his decisions. I know you understand that intellectually but is having a hard time emotionally.

But believe me, if you give yourself permission to let go of him, immense peace will come over you. Because let's face it, the harder you hold on, the more he wants to get away. The harder you hold on, the more difficult for you to move on with the next chapter of your life. Either way, holding on is not healthy for you regardless of his final decision.

So that is why we are advising to let go. Let nature takes its course, there is no need to be afraid anymore.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 03:07 PM
doodles, if it helps any, I found it a huge help to not just let her go INTO THE WORLD, but to let her go and to GIVE HER TO GOD.

Maybe if you prayed "Lord, here, YOU take him -- I have done my best, and I am weak and need to renew my strength. Please take him and watch over him and keep him safe. Continue to deal with his heart, that it may soften toward you and -- if it be Your will -- toward me, and that he will find happiness in his life. I cannot do this anymore -- please care for him."

When I did that, I felt an enormous peace wash over me.

Puppy
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 03:08 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


although i know that packing his things or not will not change anything.


Don't be so sure.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 03:17 PM
so u think maybe, this time, maybe, if i do something like that, show him im done, he will change, or soften, or second guess?

hmm.

im afraid to do it.

ive done well not emailing or texting now, over 24 hours. its a beginning.

and with each minute that passes, it gets easier not to.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 03:51 PM
I don't know if it will work or not. YOU said that you knew that it wouldn't, and I said that I wouldn't be so sure.

What I do know is that what you HAVE done, in the past, HASN'T worked, right? So why not try a different approach?
Posted By: Snow White Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 04:05 PM
Hey there,

I haven't been on in awhile. And I haven't read all of your threads but Ihave read the last couple pages of this one.

I understand your difficulty with the idea of "giving him up to her". In my situation my husband had left for 9 months and was living with a woman he had been having an affair with at least for 4 months prior to that maybe more. Although he always refused to admit where he was everyone knew. He would not commit to the marriage being over but he refused to come home. I was given advice again and again by many of the same people giving you advice but I was unable to do it.

What happened to me is I had my choices taken away, there was a court order that made it so my husband could not contact me or come within 50m, that lasted 5 weeks. In that period of time 2 things happened, he realized that I was done with the games, and he realized all of a sudden that if there had to be a choice that choice was me. Unfortunately for him, it also gave me the distance from the situation to realize I was finally done. We focus a lot on what the other person feels and whether they want us or not while putting aside why exactly we may or may not still want them.

I have seen a quote that I like that says "eventually one of two things will happen, he will realize you are worth it or you will realize he never was" And sometimes its both.

As puppy said, this may not work but if what you are currently doing isn't working you need to try something else.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 04:30 PM
thanks guys.

icant say that what i have done in the past hasnt worked, he had filed for divorce and put it on hold for a year.

now i need to do something different, and the something different is pulling back.

thank you snow white, what you say rings true.

where are u now in your situation?
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 06:20 PM
Mdoodles, arent you moving out of your house anyway? To sell it? Maybe then the proper advice would be to NOT pack his things, but get on the stick packing yours.

But if thats not the case, I would at least get some boxes. Maybe you can start by taking his movies out of the DVD case, or his books, or coffee cup. Start small. When you dont have traces of him everywhere to make you think of him, you will feel better.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 07:37 PM
yes, i am moving. where or when exactly, not so sure yet.

took my son to the park, it is a beautiful day. im pulling myself together, atleast for the moment.

my husband called my cell 2 times while at the park, i didnt answer. i figured on the 3rd i would, but he onyl called 2 times.

he didnt try me at home, perhaps he drove by thinking we would be home so he could see our son and then tried my cell.

you know what? call and make the arrangement, dont just assume im home.

im going to my in laws for dinner, for my father in laws birthday. im glad they invited me, i dont want it to become weird between us, atleast not yet lol.

i doubt my h will be there.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 07:52 PM
so i decided to text my h that i missed his calls and he can call at home if he chooses...i didnt want him to ever say that because im angry i wasnt letting our son talk to him.

so he called, i picked up and only said hold on, put my son on. when he was done talking, my son wanted to give me the phone and i said, if u are done, u can say goodbye.

im trying here. it hurts, who knows if he even notices or cares that im not talking.

but im trying something new.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 05/31/09 09:07 PM
if anyone likes to read, im reading a great book - Split , by suzanne finnemore....its the authors hysterical story of her divorce.

hysterical.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 01:04 AM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
so i decided to text my h that i missed his calls and he can call at home if he chooses...i didnt want him to ever say that because im angry i wasnt letting our son talk to him.

so he called, i picked up and only said hold on, put my son on. when he was done talking, my son wanted to give me the phone and i said, if u are done, u can say goodbye.

im trying here. it hurts, who knows if he even notices or cares that im not talking.

but im trying something new.


Good job, doodles. I know this is very counterintuitive, but this is the way you have to go.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 01:21 AM
i so knew it - he expected me to be home at 3:00, expected that i should have known he would be coming because he would close the store at that time.

u know what? he could have called earlier, could have emailed, could have texted to say, please have son home, i would like to come by after work.

i never spoke to him. it crossed my mind that he may decide to come, but i never heard from him, and he made it clear he really didnt want to hear from me. i was not about to call and say, oh are u coming today, because to me, that looks desperate.

so i was out, at the park.

imagine i was sitting here when he decided he should come, he would think to himself, she is always home.

i had heard from my mil that he was wondering where i was, that i should have assumed he was coming.

i dont assume anything with him. he could have left a message when i didnt answer or sent a text and said, i am at the house, where are u.

i went to my in laws for dinner, it was weird because i think we got used to h being around.

my mil only wants us back together.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 02:22 AM
He, he, him, him. Whatever. What are YOU going to do tomorrow, what are YOUR goals for this week??
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 08:35 AM
I would not be too quick to wish for anger - the problem is with lying down and taking it for so long, which i did, is that yea eventually the anger DOES come and boy is it ever UGLY and really uncontrollable. When it hits (and it does so when they finally cross an invisible line) it hits like a CYCLONE and thats when you'll do and say things you REALLY regret. heck I did. And it carried on that anger, for 2 years. In that time, I blasted the OW, I blasted his family, I THREW OUT all his stuff (no packing for me! it all went in the bin even the valuables), I filed for divorce, and I went to the Supreme Court of Australia to get my kids formally having MY surname. Then as a little finisher, I informed him thru his 'family' that if he ever came back to this country I would have him so tied up in court and would make it my personal GOAL to ruin his entire life.

NOW: did all that bring me satisfaction? oh immensely; it was GREAT. DID IT ALSO NEARLY UNDO ME MENTALLY? oh yes, oh yes I came close to the abyss. I was teetering on the very edge. DID ANY OF THIS ACTUALLY HELP? nope not a bit. About the only thing I could say now is that im fairly sure he's so utterly terrified of his tiny little submitting wife going absolutely postal within 12 months on him that hes NEVER gonna want to see ME again. Have I won? um... no.

so never wish for that kind of anger. never ever ever. it might come on you and if it does, you wont welcome it. It does make it easier to let them go; but you tend to let go with a flamethrower and butane and is THAT good for YOU, or your KIDS??? heck No. its very unhealthy.

and yanno, after experiencing that type of rage at the machine anger, you STILL have to face the grief you are right now - so all your doing really is putting it off. I know now (hindsight, I love it) that all I was doing was trying to put off the inevitable and bone crushing sadness and howling pulling out your hair kind of grief. I put it off very well. it worked out, but it still came, and then I had regret over my postal attitude to go with the general grief.

You said before you were a lady, to the OW. you have kept your self respect. Dont give him a chance to call you crazy as well, get thru the grief cleanly and like a lady, as you have been all this time - hard it may be but WOW what a woman. your a tough cookie and hard as. It is a weakness to give into anger. it is a strength to fully embrace the grief and just GET THRU IT, because it isnt going anywhere til you do...

but rest assured the same applies to HIM. you'll be over it before HE has even began. I know that for sure. My ex is only NOW three years after walking, starting to circle the drain. oh well such is life!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 12:01 PM
the mornings are terrible.

i am so used to him calling like clockwork.

this just doesnt feel right.

i think im worse today than yesterday.

my friends are taking me out for my birthday tonight.

i dont feel like it. i know iknow, i have to go.

i just dont feel like it.

this doesnt feel right, the whole thing doesnt feel right.

i cant switch my emotions off for him, i cant change how things have been between us just like that, the way he can.
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 12:55 PM
You are doing it for you, and you are trying hard to get happy in your life, for you. you love yourself right? dont you want to be happy? your happiness doesnt depend on another person. Know full well that after all this, that realisation will be so hardwired into you, that NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THIS POWER OVER YOU AGAIN!!!!

that doesnt mean you wont love again - you will - but you will always remember that maintaining who you ARE as an individual is a gift hard won and not something you'll give up easily again. You will never sell out your identity; you will always be true to yourself.

you do not have to let go you do not have to force yourself to feel anything, in fact you cant anyway; you'll go thru the full sprectrum of suffering, but its a passage worth travelling, to get back to you again. try, if you can, to shift the focus off HIM a bit, and more onto you.

may I recommend (and pls ignore if you like!) that the dalai lamas book "the art of happiness" may help you.

xoxoxo
Posted By: kissak Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 02:04 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles

this is incredibly hard. i dont know how to give up. i have held on for almost 3 years.


This is me. I can say that Im happy to see someone else having the same problem as me. I do wonder quite often if I am only hanging on to be the "winner". If I was someone else, I dont think I would want this man. For all the pain he has put me through...well, it sucks! My problem go alot deeper with my H than what i tell. Of course I do keep some things to myself on here....I honestly am having a hard time emotionally separating myself from my H.

He went from texting me right often everyday for no good reason to just doing occasionally over the past month. I feel as if he has left me all over again. Only just by being so withdrawn lately. His ex OW has gotten an annullment from her H of only 6 months, and things have been weird ever since. He wont open up and talk to me anymore. I saw a quote from someone else on the boards that said "let go or be dragged".....thats what i feel like now. Im being dragged through the mud by a man that wont really let go either. We have been separated clearly long enough to get a divorce, but he hasnt even mentioned it in the 8 months since i gave him back the sep papers, that he wanted back so badly.

Thanks for posting and reading my Thread Mdoodles....Its always nice to know that Im not alone.

Now, how can we help each other through this????
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 02:12 PM
i havent a clue!

today i am just so sad, so suffering.

and last year at this time, i was doing ok, thought i accepted we were done and i got sucked back in.

i should be so so angry with him, especially with the business we opened that will now close.

but my anger gets me nowhere.

im sure i will here from my lawyer today or tomorrow, that we are to move ahead with the separation.

i dont want this. i never wanted this.

i dont know how to not talk to him, how to not be on our good terms.

i dont know how to ever believe him again either.

i dont know how we get through this, i honestly dont know how.

its easy for everyone to tell me it takes time. no one is in my shoes.

from the outside, sure, it looks like i should hate him and never want him again.

but i dont know how to get over his touch. i just dont.

or i just dont want to. yet.
Posted By: kissak Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 02:40 PM
I understand completely! I am in the same spot in a way....my thing is that how do I not talk to him? Just now this morning he has texted me twice just to say hello....Of course if I dont talk back I get fussed at. He then wants to know why Im not talking, then he will even call to see whats wrong....but if he goes all day and doesnt say anything to me...well Im just supposed to not let it bother me.

I think these men only want us as a convienence to them. We are here when they need us, but when they dont, we are forgotten. They can turn there feelings on and off so easily.

I have a feeling my H has just found a new interest right now, I think he is just spending more time talking to her now, getting to know someone new is always exciting...so then im put on the back burner. It will pass Im sure. He will be back, again. But I dont know that i will be strong enough to say no. Unless I have found someone else, but then I dont even wanna look to find someone else, just in case, you know?

Will get through this some how mdoodles....we will. I have to admitt it has gotten easier to deal with, but it still hurts just the same.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 03:07 PM
sure, it gets easier to deal with, but then things change again, we get sucked back in and voila, it happens all over.

im smart. im not stupid. but my heart is leading right now.

ive decided that after i cry, get angry at what has occurred, i revert back to the fantasy i have made him into.

he isnt the same person that i married, that i have my amazing life with.

he is there, yes, but hidden under the mixed up, screwed up husband.

he took our amazing life, amazing family and threw it in the toilet. and i watched it all happen.

and as i watched, is said this cant be. and the me saying this cant be, overpowered the part of me that sees what he is doing and what he is capable of.

but i cant turn off my attraction to him. its just not that simple.

i cant never see him, because of our son.

but, i cant let him come and go, i just cant.
Posted By: kissak Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 03:27 PM
thats what happens to me too. I do get angry at him. Im ok with it for a day or 2, I dont wanna talk to him or see him, then I do. then he is nice to me, and I fall back into his trap again.

Just like today, i dont wanna talk so much, only because he isnt....then he just texted me wanting to know if I was busy or something, I say not really, and the he said "so your just not talking?"

ugh!

they think this is all on there terms, but we need to just realize that WE are in control here...not them!

Come on Mdoodles....we need to be the strong women we know we are and figure out how to let go.

Im here, i will try my best to help you. I dont wanna be here any more than you do. I want my marriage back. But, right now I just wanna be happy. I want my heart to stop hurting. I know you want the same. One day they will realize they are the ones that messed up!!
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 03:46 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


but i cant turn off my attraction to him. its just not that simple.


No, but you can finally decide to stop ACTING upon it, and doing the hard work that's necessary.

Only you will know when you're ready to do that.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 04:00 PM
u are right puppy. u are right.

and i had been there before, i was starting to move on. and i fell again.

this year is just so much harder to move past it.

with everything that happened, with our house, with the business, him leaving his job for the business, coming home and leaving.

and now i dont have time to sit and ponder and gal while still living in our home.

i have to figure out how to have health insurance until he finds another job, figure out how to sell the business and get some money back.

its all hard to swallow when we were once in a care free position at the age of 25. people that young should not have so much money that they dont know what to do with it!

i know i will be ok. and i know this is a process i have to go through.

but waking up in the morning and missing him is just alot to bear right now.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 09:07 PM
going out tonight with my friends, they are insisting they take me out for my birthday which is friday.

i didnt want to go, but i know it is good for me.

spoke to h an hour ago.

i had called him earlier and while it was ringing, our song came on the radio. the song is 11 years old, explain the fairness!

i waiver between accepting the situation and denial.
Posted By: Yoyowife Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 09:11 PM
I hope you have a wonderful time. You deserve it. It seems our timelines are about the same. I hope things get better for you soon.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/01/09 09:43 PM
thank you. i do deserve a nice night out! we all do.

i just checked your thread, i see u have reached a point where u are ready to give up and let go.

my problem is that i think i reach that point, and then i revert back.

its like we have held on so long, it becomes second nature to do so.
Posted By: Yoyowife Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 04:36 AM
mdoodles,

People have told me throughout this rollercoaster ride I would know when it was time to give up. They were right. One of my friends asked me today did something happen this weekend to make me to fnally let go. I told them no, that it was probably more like what has happened the last six months. It was just this weekend that I finally felt "released". It will make sense to some, but right now you are not at that point. Who knows, you may never have to be there.

I just know in my case I finally realized he would keep the rollercoaster going if I let him. I wanted off. Do I still love him? I love the man he used to be and I can't find him. Am I afraid of being lonely? Yes, but I have been for the past two years. I always told my friends I didn't want to be alone. They lovingly told me that I basically had been for the past two years.

I'm not sure if you have ever mentioned if you are taking AD's, but I know they helped me tremendously. Without prayer, my family, friends, including the ones on here, and the AD's I couldn't have made it.

Yes, I dread the divorce. I'm a very nonconfrontational person. But on the other hand, I'm feeling stronger since I have been "released". I'm going to be strong for me and my daughters. They are young adults, I've got to set an example.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I wanted to let you know that I understand your feelings, because I have been there. Remember you are a wonderful strong person, much more than he gives you credit for. Find that strong person. Concentrate on you, not him. Sounds like you have some great friends, get out with them more.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 04:44 AM
doodles...
just caught up on your thread. I am so sorry that you have been dealing with this stuff and everything that you are going through. I am happy to hear that you have been doing things like going to the park, going out with friends, going to the MIL's. These things are GOOD for YOU.

honestly girl, I some times wonder if the pain will ever end myself. I cry often, get angry often, revert back to my fantasy land often too. Every one that gets married has the beliefs of the happy endings and unfortuantly for alot of people the happy endings that we dreamt of never happen.

I hope the best for you on finding new place and gettting out from under the foreclosure on your house. It may be hard to leave that house behind but new beginnings are great too.
I also hope that you can figure out a solution for the business. Have you thought of trying to find an invester for it? Perhaps you can then become more of a manager while someone else is putting up the money for it?

Hang in there. As you have read before, only time heals and in time things will get better. Right now you are in a slump and it may take time to get out of that but focus on the right now.

Also, I learned something in my MC the other day. Marriage has 4 parts, RESPECT, TRUST, HONESTY, and COMMITMENT. If you do not have one of these parts then the others do not 'fall' into place to make a good M. I really see that now. It seems to me that you have had all of the above but yet your H has none of these. Can you ever have these things in your M or in your H again? If the answer is no, it may be time for acceptence.

Stay strong. For you and for your boy, not for your H.
Posted By: Willowweep Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 09:07 AM
Hi Mdoodles

Thank you for your kind words on my thingo in MLC.

I've just been reading your story and even though you are tough on yourself (and some people are tough on you) you seem to be doing remarkably well from my point of view.

I'm so sorry you have the business worries to contend with as well. That is terribly unfair. This is bad enough to go through on it's own without the added uncertainty of financial and business decisions that need to be made.

Take care. I'm thinking of you.

Willow
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 10:48 AM
thanks everyone.

dinner with my friends was nice, i did enjoy myself.

yoyo, people do tell me when i will know to be done, and u are right, im not there yet. when i think that i am, and believe i thought i was last week, i always fall back.

im not done yet, and i need to accept that instead of force it upon myself.

i am not on ads. ive come this far without that, and i do not feel that i need them at this time. i get up, get dressed, and go about my life to the best of my ability and really do ok.

im sad, but not depressed. which i guess is a good thing.

i will see h today.
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 11:01 AM
I dont know - im fast approaching 3 years (my birthday, sept 20). I STILL DONT KNOW if I am DONE.

I wouldnt be too fast and hard with saying you know when your done. I know I am done MOST DAYS, and the only reason im here is to potentially comfort some poeople - and WORK OUT that I am 'done'.

if it was a really long M and it was mostly a really good one, I think the notion of "am I done" might never really happen as such. I read somewhere (and it depressed me) that "in a long term marriage, there is no such thing as a 'divorce'. you always remain married to them, both the leaver and the one left, in one sense or another - you loved each other in your youth; you saw one another grow up - and you had children together. can two such as that ever really 'divorce' in their hearts?'

so nope I am not 'done'. but I am ready to tell HIM I am done, bc I think that day WILL come - for my OWN GOOD. it will be partially a lie; im not going to stop loving that boy I knew when he was just 19, forever.

But I am finally, finally, teetering on the edge of deciding to be done, for so many more reasons than 'the marriage'. for reasons such as ME, for such as my KIDS, for such as the fact he damaged what 'was' beyond repair, now. you cannot always fix what was broken - sometimes time does so much damage you have to decide, even tho this is DEEPLY important to me - I am going to choose to FINALLY walk away.

its a new found midlife maturity for me. Its not that pleasant. but its not as awful as going thru all the trauma was either. its more just... sad. like... its like a death. its like putting someone you love, in the ground, and knowing you wont ever see them or speak to them again. thats exactly waht its like. When that happens you cant ever say you "accepted" the death. you never ONCE did. you cant ever say you were "fine" with it or OK. in fact you will never be ok again, you lost this really important person, this amazing love.

but you just have to get to a point where you know, this is reality and just as you cannot breathe life into a corpse, you cannot breathe life into your marriage, long dead.

I dont wish it on anyone and I want nothing but happy endings for all; it helps me negates my own grief; but I can help people who it is happening to, and I do have that

xoxoxo
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 11:24 AM
thanks fighting fit. u are right.

im reading a terrific novel, split. by suzanne finnemore.

its her story of her divorce.

there are so many messages in it, so much we can all relate to.

she points out that when u have made a child together, u really are bonded forever, that a divorce cant break that.

my friends tell me i will be fine, to start meeting people next month already.

i just dont know.

but when i was out for dinner last night, we all remembered go out last year for my birthday.

and it stuck out to me that i am basically in the same position as last year, where we were on the brink of this legal process, me hoping he was changing his mind, he was changing his mind. and here i am. still.

and there were my friends, feeling bad, treating me to dinner, buying me gifts.

and here they are again, almost like deja vu.

it stuck out to me that im almost on a pause button, my life hasnt changed, just on hold, while the world goes on, and im another year older.

and i know, in the back of my head, if i linger around with him, next year's birthday will be the same thing, i will be in the same position.

i see it, i get it, im just not ready to let go yet.

i will try, but im not mentally ready.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 11:30 AM
here is a part from the novel

"I muse how it is very difficult to completely, emotionally, and psychically, um-marry-even with divorce- especially if there's a child. the couple has a blood bond, no matter the status of connubial intimacy. it may be that marriage, with an infant, a marriage that has been interrupted and bested by an affair, needs and will take time - no matter what and despite best or worst intentions -to have its natural ending."

"the marriage had to come to its natural conlcusion. and that had a date, in the same way a wedding has a date, and not the date any of us decided. the institution had to taper off over a period of time not revealed in the legal documents, an impossible, invisible clause, a parcel of time that can't be court-ordered, planned, known or skipped."
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 12:19 PM
so well put... so apt.

regarding the dating, dont listen to ooo much to other people. I am fast approaching my 3rd year and not ready to date - and dont forget, yea a rottent thing happened to me fair enough, but I too had an affair, 5 years before (that I horribly regretted as i was a virgin bride, you cant take back cheating!) so its not like I dont know HOW to do it. I just diddnt WANT to...

you have to be in an emotionally ok place to date and being sad and grieving isnt really that place. again, I can tell you that bc i made the mistake. I did find another man, the 'rebound' and i did try so hard but yanno i was faking it, i felt nothing for him and nothing sexually, but i WANTED TO. wow! what a terrible thing! but i just wanted to heal.

theres an old saying lol, to get over one, roll onto another. for men perhaps this works out. for women coming out of a long term marriage i cant tell STRONGLY enough how DUMB and WRONG that really is. it asserts your sexuality and attractiveness but you are left with a bad taste in your mouth an truly, I wish I could just RIP that page from my life. I cant stand the THOUGHT of him! dont do it ! always a regret.

its best to let things happen really gradually and it takes AGES! you know I said for so long, to my friends (the few I made bc I lost all my old ones) I am not even ATTRACTED to men now, not even a GOOD LOOKING man arouses my interest, and in truth i felt very unattractive, after getting rid of the rebound (that lasted 3 months of cplete waste of time) I just realised, wow I really DONT EVEN LIKE men now, let alone can say i am attracted to them - also I felt just so ugly and lonely anyhow, par for the course. you wear your shame in a way a long time. One day at work a lady said to me "kate, hold your head up! you always walk around looking at yuor feet"! and it was true and I realised, I had began to walk with my head down eyes to the ground and shoulders slumped. I had to physically REMIND myself to put my head up and to look people in the eye; I just felt like the biggest failure of alll time.

JUST NOW, JUST RECENTLY, im attacted to a man! im really excited. this is the first "real" thing. nothing is going to happen. it doesnt matter. at least this is real and im actually interested! im very excited for myself. its got to mean progress!

there is light at the end of the darkest of tunnels. but it takes alot of time and pain. thats why i asked you to read 'the art of happiness' and i think the lady that runs this site, would even say its a good idea.

you have to come to a point in your life where you realise, suffering isnt unfair, or something horrible like an accident that happened to you; suffering is just a natural part of life and half our battle is accepting that fact. if you can grasp the fact that this isnt unfair but just the way things are, and just life, and just how things work out sometimes, you can realise your not unique but simply a human being. part of us all; and you can only wear your OWN suffering not someone elses. Dealing with it and with anger and disapointment is possible, when one truly realises, this happened to me, but it was only one single aspect of me, of my life. a big one yes but only ONE. I can GO ON. I can reinvent my life, when im READY. and its ok to not be for as long as i need to just grieve and feel sad...

the Dalai Lama says, part of our problem is with suffering, is we cause a lot of it ourselves, by our thoughts and negativity, and our inability to accept. we all want to LET GO. well its possible, its just not EASY.

you are still who you are. you will come out changed and tempered and different but intrinically you are still you. and so is he. he has regrets to face yet. fact is by the time he gets there you may very well be in a much more peaceful place in your life.

when we learn to accept and really begin to love ouselves by watching how we think and react and working hard on overcoming anger and feelings of "this isnt fair", then we are getting somehwhere even tho its one step forward one step back all the way, and we'll come out on top.

theres a saying, "one door shuts, another opens" but some of us spend so long staring at the closed door we miss all the newly opened ones...

xoxoxo
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 12:42 PM
Originally Posted By: Yoyowife
mdoodles,

People have told me throughout this rollercoaster ride I would know when it was time to give up. They were right. One of my friends asked me today did something happen this weekend to make me to fnally let go. I told them no, that it was probably more like what has happened the last six months. It was just this weekend that I finally felt "released". It will make sense to some, but right now you are not at that point. Who knows, you may never have to be there.

I just know in my case I finally realized he would keep the rollercoaster going if I let him. I wanted off. Do I still love him? I love the man he used to be and I can't find him. Am I afraid of being lonely? Yes, but I have been for the past two years. I always told my friends I didn't want to be alone. They lovingly told me that I basically had been for the past two years.

I'm not sure if you have ever mentioned if you are taking AD's, but I know they helped me tremendously. Without prayer, my family, friends, including the ones on here, and the AD's I couldn't have made it.

Yes, I dread the divorce. I'm a very nonconfrontational person. But on the other hand, I'm feeling stronger since I have been "released". I'm going to be strong for me and my daughters. They are young adults, I've got to set an example.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I wanted to let you know that I understand your feelings, because I have been there. Remember you are a wonderful strong person, much more than he gives you credit for. Find that strong person. Concentrate on you, not him. Sounds like you have some great friends, get out with them more.


Yoyo, that's a beautiful post, and a great way to put it.

Puppy
Posted By: kissak Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 02:37 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles

and it stuck out to me that i am basically in the same position as last year, where we were on the brink of this legal process, me hoping he was changing his mind, he was changing his mind. and here i am. still.

and there were my friends, feeling bad, treating me to dinner, buying me gifts.

and here they are again, almost like deja vu.

it stuck out to me that im almost on a pause button, my life hasnt changed, just on hold, while the world goes on, and im another year older.

and i know, in the back of my head, if i linger around with him, next year's birthday will be the same thing, i will be in the same position.

i see it, i get it, im just not ready to let go yet.

i will try, but im not mentally ready.


I feel like Im stuck in the same place as well. No one can tell you when to let go though. You will do it when you feel ready. I know Im not ready yet. Maybe because I still feel there is some hope. Your doing good. Just keep taking it one day at a time.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 02:40 PM
thanks. im doing ok, but when im doing ok, its because im in denial.

i cant expect to accept this so quickly. i fall in and out of denial all day and all night.

when i dont talk to him, i build him up again to the person he used to be, who i want him to be.

and right now, there is nothing i can do to change my feelings.

im getting out, going on with my life, but icant change the way i feel about him.

maybe over time i will, im not ready yet.
Posted By: kissak Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 04:09 PM
Yes, Over time you will.

Take Care Mdoodles.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 04:32 PM
Hey mdoodles,

Just wanted to share a thought with you. Since my H and I are also on our second separation, I try to keep reminding myself that we're here again because there is a lesson that one or both of us was suppose to learn the last time and it didn't happen. I forced the reconciliation and neither of us changed. I'm hoping we both learn the lesson that's needed this time round. Just a thought I wanted to share with you. Gotta be a reason we're in dejavu again.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 06:43 PM
i have cried less today than yesterday, although i think right now each day doesnt get better, it is just going to be up and down for a while.

i made sure to put on my eye makeup, perhaps if i think about crying and remember i have my eye makeup on, i will not want to ruin it!

vicky, we are certainly in this again because there is a lesson that one or both of us was to learn.

i really do feel that i did everything possible to make us work, but i did not enforce certain boundaries.

and i feel that my h did not give himself time between ending with ow and coming home which backfired.

who knows what will happen, i hate that the future is so uncertain.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 07:11 PM
I guess I need some clarification:
Where is H now?
Have you made the decision to end it?
What is the situation with the store?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 07:35 PM
h is not home, for the last week, assuming he is with ow.

i never make the decision to end it, so no, i dont want to end my marriage.

what i want is the fantasy of the following:
h wakes up, sees how he is messing up our lives, comes home, apologizes, end its permanently with ow, we attend counseling and live happily ever after. lol.

sounds good, right?

my h said he called his lawyer last week, i have yet to hear anything.

the store? the store is still operating but will most likely close any day, we cannot afford to still operate it. we are trying to sell it.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 07:56 PM
Ok, that helps.
Then just chill for a bit.
Take care of you and cry all you want. Don't time how much you cry per day. Let it all out.
But you have to pull yourself together when he's around or calls.
Start there, start by being super and beautiful when he's around. Start being that confident sexy woman he fell in love with. If you don't feel like her right now, who cares? You will soon enough. And that's something I'm working on right now with you, we'll do it together. No more feeling sorry for ourselves....it's time to be sexy, solid and confident again. Do you really think this stupid OW is better than you? Do you know what she is? She's nothing...and I mean that in every sense of the word. She's not the best English speaker so he doesnt' have to much to impress her there...she's got none of the responsibility tied to her that you do. He doesn't "owe" her anything. He owes you so much and he's not feeling like he can repay that now or maybe ever, so it's easier to run away. And it's easier to run away if you are being so mean and so crazy and "I can't take her crap anymore". So stop it. Give him no reason to complain about you to anyone. I'm working on that too.
Come on, this is me giving you my hand. Get up....walk with me.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 08:01 PM
thank you. u are right. im done asking about her, mentioning her.

but i had to last week, i had to in the past.

i was counting on him to really be done with her. counting on him. had to lay it out for him, if not just because of us, but because of the undertaking of the new business, which was done to get him away from her.

and once he was home, once the money was being poured into the business, i couldnt sit quiet when i knew he was starting up with her again.

but now its been said, and now im quiet on that topic.

u are right, he should have nothing to say about me. even before, how can he say? look at what he has done.

im trying to remain strong and positive.

he will be here any minute to see our son, but that involves me too.

its must kill ow to know he will always see me. good. she shouldnt be involved with a married man.

i see a private caller called me before, i always think its her, when ive confirmed it is no one i know.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 08:37 PM
i am in the most f---d up relationship.

h comes, uses his key to come in. sits himself down on the couch, with the blanket on his lap as if nothing, as if he didnt up and leave me.

playful with our son, we were all in the den, i made small talk.

son leaves room, he is still sitting with me.

then my son came back in, they went to go wash his car in the driveway.

i notice he took in my garbage cans. it must be love again. when he was living here and got angry about it, he didnt bring in the garbage cans.

i swear, i will never get over him, never move on, as long as little things like this continue.

and im allowing them to continue. because i want them.

not sure what im supposed to do.

its as if he didnt leave here.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 08:41 PM
Not much we can do to help you then, doodles. As long as you continue to let him behave this way, this is exactly what he will do.

It's true what they say: we teach people how to treat us.

Good luck,

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 11:10 PM
u are right puppy, u are right.

people like to tell me im strong, i dont think i am.

but honestly, i dont want this, i dont want to end my marriage, i dont want to lose my husband, that at one time i had a terrific marriage and life with.

i keep waiting for it to come back.

i dont want to lose him to this ow, who isnt even a woman, is someone who is 22 even a woman?

so what should i do? let him see im moving on, not let him in the house?

i did that 2 years ago and guess what? it only allowed his relationship to flourish.

and then i heard how he didnt see me fighting for him then.

im at a loss.

but if i keep waiting, before i know it, it will be 8 years from now, my son's bar mitzvah, and i will still be sitting here.
Posted By: PositivelyMommy Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 11:44 PM
Hey mdoodles, I wanted my M to work for a long time as well. But if you pull back and all he does is go to OW, then YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER! You just don't want to accept it, that's all, and that is very understandable.

He cannot make up his mind to stay with you, for 2 years now. So the question you need to ask yourself, not him, is how much more of this are you going to take? Until all your hair turn gray? Until your frown lines are permanently etched on your forehead?

If you gave this man every oppty to come back to you and work on his M and he flees, then honey, he is not going to recommit anytime soon.

All I am saying is, give yourself a time limit. It can be a year, two years, three years. But whatever it is, give it to yourself and so a few years down the road, you KNEW that you gave it your all and you knew that you HAD a choice in this and don't regret your decision to stay in this M.

I gave myself till the end of this year just because I have my big 40th birthday then. I want to start afresh when I turn 40 and not have to answer to my H or his family anymore. I want to take possession of my life and my decisions and be rid of all the toxic energy. But that's me. You need to decide for yourself.

Good luck!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 11:55 PM
thank you. truthfully, i do not wish to wait anymore.

but i also know us, and know him, and know how ambivalent we both are.

i think my plan of action is as follows:

i go on as if he is not coming back.

the house is selling regardless and i have to move in 2-3 months.

my plan is to go without him.

perhaps in the next few months, something will change.

i saw the change in him today. if change continues, i would demand certain things to be, set the boundaries that i never enforced.

i would not continue with him without counseling, without proof ow is out of the picture.

the truth is, it feels good to see him wanting me, it feels good when the softening occurs, because the ugly stuff is not fun, the pain is not fun.

i think it is one day at a time.

i know if he came home, this stuff would happen again if he didnt fully admit to the problems, admit to his ambivalence and truly want to work on it.
Posted By: PositivelyMommy Re: he was back, i think - 06/02/09 11:59 PM
Good plan and good attitude, mdoodles.

You know I have been thinking more about the differences in our sitch. I never saw my H soften towards his stance to leave. So that makes my decision to move on a whole lot easier.

But your sitch is different because you see some changes so hope is dangled like a carrot in front of you once in a while. It's hard to move on and away if you see hope.

I don't know whose sitch is easier to live with, neither I suppose.

But I do wish you the best of luck with your move and your new life forward. Being stuck where you were was not fun and you deserve so much better, whichever way he decides to go.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/03/09 12:19 AM
neither situation is easy to live with.

my problem truly is that, like my mother in law says, "you two dummies are never done with eachother."

its so out of character for him to be doing what he continues to do.

and i do believe he had every intention of leaving ow and being here and running our business.

but i didnt enforce the no contact and transparency. and he didnt give any time between ending it with her and coming home.

and it backfired. big time.

not to mention the business not doing what was planned.

i do not want a divorce, or legal separation. i never did.

so it is extremely hard to move on, especially when i see him waivering once again.

like my friend says, he knows he has me, he knows that he will always see me. the ow, no. so he goes to her, and still has me.

hmm. i know i need to do something about this, let him see he really doesnt "have me", but i need to do it kindly, without changing the locks, without packing his stuff and leaving it outside.

because i know with him, that will not work.

have to find what works.
Posted By: PositivelyMommy Re: he was back, i think - 06/03/09 12:39 AM
Anything less than real detaching is going to sound false. If you are pretending to detach, he will sense it. So you really need to make up your mind once and for all. Are you keeping the door open for him whenever he deigns you worthy of attention? Or are you going to close this chapter of your life and move ahead?

Being married for so long, we have strong intuitions regarding our spouses and they us.

What is wrong with asking him to pack his stuff? You are showing him that you deserve better than being a 'backup'. If he gets mad at you and thinks you are not trying, then you can give him a letter abt how you feel.

E.g. I cannot live like this anymore, I want to try at our M and have tried for the past two years but not under the current cicumstances i.e. limbo. When you are ready to recommit then I will need proof (e.g. no contact, total transparency) however, if you feel you cannot prove to me your commitment then I rather not have you at all. For my peace of mind and happiness, this is my choice.

Something to that effect so he knows exactly where you stand and can never come back and say that you 'gave up on him' or that 'you didn't care' or ' you didn't fight for him'. You fought for two years, a long hard slog.


The problem is whatever excuse he has come up with, you take it as if it's the absolute truth. Well, it's not. Listen to your inner voice, you know he is not on the up and up. You don't have to believe EVERYTHING he says.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/03/09 12:51 AM

i like what u said pm. i like that.

truthfully, everything just happened last week, this is all new to me, i just had him home and we were working together.

i am going to keep up with the not calling or texting him, see what happens the next few days.

i like what u said, i may use it when needed.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 06/03/09 03:31 AM
I like what pm is saying to you too. She has very good advise.

I allowed my H to come back and have been trying very hard to make things work. I see a difference in my H but I am always worried that he will fall back into the same routine that he has always been in. It is hard to know what to do and what choice to make. I am in that boat with you.

I took the advice that was given to me on this site, that if I allowed my H to come back that I needed to set boundries and stick to them. My boundry was that my H needed to tell the OW in front of me (either to her face on on the phone on speaker) that it was over between them and that he was wanting to make his marriage work and that she needed to stay out of out lives and not to have any contact with my H anymore. I thought the same thing that you are thinking too....that it will only push him towards her. I have learned 2 different things.....

1. Don't TELL him to do it, ask him to. My H seemed to waiver back and forth and never would do it, so I thought that meant that he was stringing her along too. In the end he finally told me that since I was telling him to do it then he just felt like doing the oppisite. Men must be wierd that way but I finally asked him.

2. When i finally asked him I did it like this, 'I would appreciate it if you would call the OW up and put her on speaker and tell her this (blah blah blah). If you are not willing to do this for me and our family and our marriage then I can not fully put my trust, respect, or faith in you and your commitment to our M. If you are not willing to do this then I believe that you have chossen her over our M and that we should proceed with the divorce.' I learned here how to stand up for what I believed in, felt strong about it, and laid my fellings out there about what I would not tolerate.

I only tell you what I did so that you may find ways to be strong too. I was very worried that he would get mad at me, which he did. I was very worried that he would walk out the door and choose her over me, which he did. I was worried that he would not come back, which he did come back. And he called her in front of me and told her the things that I had said that I needed him to say to her so that we could continue to work on our M and move forward. IT WORKED!!! I feel great about it.

Keep posting, keep reading others posts, keep reading your novel, keep trying if you are not ready to give up. If you want the M then fight for it but do not give up who you are and the values that you believe a M is made of. Don't compromise on the boundries. As hard as it is and as scary as it is, set those rules and boundries and stick to them with all your might. If you feel like renigging in them, come here. Keep your chin up, I am praying for you.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/03/09 11:28 AM
thank you for your advice.

right now, i am not looking to say much of anything in terms of boundaries and enforcing things.

everything changed last week and he left.

i will only say something if i see or feel he is looking to return or work things out.

i have to see how the next few days/ weeks play out.

in the meantime, i will try to focus on myself and my son, refrain from texting/calling and lay low.

if i do see a continued change in him, showing more interest again, i will take it from there and say what needs to be said.

i do feel that i need to move on, but my feelings for him always hold me back.

i know im not getting younger, i will be 31 on friday and cannot keep my life on hold any longer, and what i mean by that, is that i want more children and want a normal marriage, i cant keep waiting for him and taking him back and watching him go again.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/03/09 04:08 PM
i spoke with my therapist today (she had the nerve to up and move and leave me!), but we continue over the phone which is very nice of her.

its clear that he is ambivalent with his decisions and will always be back and forth, because i let it, and everyone here has told me that.

and i know that.

kinda like the old song - sometimes love just aint enough...

there is a line that says - like a fool who never sees the truth, i keep thinkin somthings gonna change...

it most likely wont, although i cant let go of the hope.

im trying with baby steps for myself.

ihave not called him or texted him since sunday.

normally i would have texted him after he left last night. i did not.

i also stopped asking questions of any kind, except about the weather.

i also stopped going to the store.

im trying here. im moving on (slightly) in my head, and getting the house ready to be packed and moved.

but it felt good last night to atleast see he isnt ok, isnt fine, with his decision. it felt good to see him wanting me, and i cant help myself from roping him in and playing the game of attraction. nothing happened, but it felt good to know i still had it over him.

but i know that has to stop.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/03/09 10:39 PM
im not ok. did alright during the day but now im sad.

took my son to a birthday party. last time we were at that party place, life seemed good and h was home.

people ask me about the store and i go on like its great, when i know its going to close.

i miss him. i spoke to him before and it sucks.

i want him to be here.

is it the game of winning him? i dont even know anymore.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/04/09 10:59 AM
im tired of waking up upset.

i dont know how to quit, i dont know how to give up.

or is it that im not allowing myself to?

i try to think that way, as if i am done with him, but my mind cant even go there.

maybe over time it will or maybe im just not done?

maybe some people are never done, maybe life moves on and yet some people just still hold out hope?

is it just the way i am, the way i always hope for the happy ending?

i dont know.

i may go into the store today, i need some cheese and chicken cutlets, and id rather not pay for it if we sell it.

ive been avoiding going there, as i always seem more upset when i leave.
Posted By: kissak Re: he was back, i think - 06/04/09 01:50 PM
Mdoodles, is there any way you can send someone for the stuff you need from the store? Since you have a hard time when you go there?
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/04/09 02:48 PM
Hi Mdoodles
I understand exactly how you feel. My H is going to a lawyer today. The stupid OW is still calling him. I'm pretty sure they are just friends now, but I'm also pretty sure they are just friends on HER side, he wants more, she doesn't so he takes what he can get.
I want my husband home too. But I'm starting to brace myself for impact and the big D. I know it's coming now. He's had a such a strong happy taste of single hood, he's never coming home to us.
He's supposed to call me today after his meeting. I'll have a better idea then about our demise.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/04/09 06:36 PM
went to the store today. took a delivery, didnt even get a tip, how rude lol.

we talked about store stuff, steered clear of our relationship stuff, only validated him when he spoke, although i could have reeled into him on many occasions but i knew that wouldnt get me anywhere.

i told him i would like him to come by today after work and he said ok.

he is certainly softening and if it werent for the store and the house and the time constraints, i would feel alittle better.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/04/09 07:54 PM
have i mentioned tomorrow is my birthday?

i always loved my birthday, love the cakes and cards and goodies that make a birthday special, im like a little kid...

getting manicure/pedicure in the morning with my best friend and then will figure out the rest of the day from there.

my parents want to go out for dinner, i guess i will do that.

i had such high expectations for this birthday, that i had thought h was home, figured we would go to my favorite restaurant together, figured the baker from our store would make me a special cake (i love dessert, chocolate cake especially!).

oh well.

but who knows, my life changes everyday, i never know what might take place...
Posted By: kissak Re: he was back, i think - 06/04/09 08:43 PM
Hope you have a Happy Birthday!
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 06/04/09 09:56 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Enjoy the day. No one can take that day away from you. smile
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/04/09 10:31 PM
thanks!

so h was here, came by after work, brought me a chocolate cake, some other goodies and had our son make a card for tomorrow morning.

so not like him. hmmm.

then he lingered around me, played with me like normal and then did his usual, im leaving, for me to say no, stay.

i played the part, we had some intimate contact (not sure how else to say it),,,

he kept saying, but i have to take the delivery, supposed to be there already, and i was like, oh well, traffic.

so weird. not sure how to play it from here.

clearly he isnt sold with his decision of last week. i can sense it is still weird between us, but wanting to be normal, or whatever normal is for us.

not sure how to proceed from here.

i will alittle nervous putting myself out there, i thought maybe i read him wrong and he would be like, i told u we are done or something like that.

didnt happen.

hmm.
Posted By: PositivelyMommy Re: he was back, i think - 06/04/09 11:44 PM
Happy birthday mdoodles.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/05/09 01:28 AM
You ML with him???
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 06/05/09 02:49 AM
Happy birthday to you for tomorrow!!

If you had intimate contact with him, how did that make you feel? Did you feel good about it afterwards or did you feel guily? I understand having the intimate contact. My H and I was seperating about a year ago and during the process of it we met twice for ML (in a hotel of all places). It felt great while it was happening, not just phisically but mentally and emotionally too, but afterwards I felt so guilty and just kinda down about it. Like that was the only thing that we had in common anymore and I did not want to just connect with him on that level only. I am only telling you about what I went through so you know that whatever your emotions and felligns are right now, I have been there too and understand it.

Hope you have a good day with your friends and with your family.
I will check in with you after I get back form having a weekend with my H. We are trying to reconnect with each other right now on a more emotional level. Good luck to you.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/05/09 11:05 AM
ive been at a loss for words since last night.

im all over the place and confused and at the same time alittle happy.

i realize the situation between my h and i cannot remain this way, that he must must must remove ow from his life or we will never have a real chance at a good marriage, or a marriage of any kind.

i also realize that he is a very confused man, in a mlc that has yet to run its course.

i realize as well that i cannot wait for him any longer, that although over these past years things have changed, he has been home and not 2 different times, that it cant continue.

i feel better knowing he is not fine, not ever sold on choosing the ow.

i feel like i have some breathing room to make a decision myself.

if this makes sense, i kinda want control of the situation, rather than have him do it for me.

maybe this is where i pull back, and feel ok with it.

im not ready to proceed legally, although i may never be.

i do want him back, but it has to be done the right way.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/05/09 12:33 PM
Happy Birthday, Doodles! grin

I pray that you will find some joy today, and especially that your year ahead will be filled with positive personal growth and happiness. I know that seems far off right now, but it DOES get better, I promise you.

Yes, take some control. It only makes sense that the one who has the marriage's best interests at heart do so. And right now, that ain't him.

Hugs & Nuzzles,

Puppy
Posted By: JAK58 Re: he was back, i think - 06/05/09 01:07 PM
Doodles,

First, I want to wish you a very Happy Birthday!

Second, I have not posted before to you but this statement really caught my eye.

Quote:
[/quote] feel better knowing he is not fine, not ever sold on choosing the ow.

i feel like i have some breathing room to make a decision myself.

if this makes sense, i kinda want control of the situation, rather than have him do it for me.

maybe this is where i pull back, and feel ok with it.

im not ready to proceed legally, although i may never be.

i do want him back, but it has to be done the right way.[quote]


this is so me right now! Hugs, You will know what to do when the time comes as will I.

J
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/05/09 03:21 PM
Happy Birthday.
I understand the ML part even though you really don't want to you do and it's a way, maybe the ultimate way, to be close to someone.
How did you feel afterward I think should help you determine if you will be doing that again.
I'm no expert on this stuff, looks like marriage is ending. But looking back I wish I could have done a better job at shutting up and being more happy and light around him.
So please, shut up. Lighten up. Take care of you and he'll see that. That's really the only thing that will bring him back....if you show him happiness is with you because you are happy with yourself. That takes the pressure off of him to make you happy which is a lot of pressure.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/05/09 03:54 PM
thanks...things between us have certainly lightened up, rather surprisingly so im going with it. ive been no pressure, just nice and fun and if anything, encouraging to him regarding the store and work.

this always happens with us, although im really surprised after last week how quickly things changed once again.

i try not to have my hopes up, but cant help it, it creeps in.

im doing my best to lay low (to an extent) not bring her up and not antagonize.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/05/09 09:00 PM
is it safe to say my h did not contact his lawyer when he said he did last tuesday? wouldnt i have heard something by now? its been like 11 days.

the action was filed last year, its just been sitting for over a year.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/06/09 12:53 AM
im fighting my urge to text him right now...

i dont even know what i would want to say, but i know nothing i say will do anything to help me any more than not texting him.

i hate this.

i was doing alittle better but sometimes it just hits me, ya know?

i had him here. he was home. and now he isnt.

and he is back on the fence. who knows how long he may remain on the fence again?

i cant keep waiting for him, i cant keep waiting for him to figure himself out. and even if he came home, who is to say he wouldnt leave again?

i dont know what to do. i know im not ready to end the marriage, but i also know that something definitive has to happen rather soon.

i have to move. dont know where i am going or if he is coming.

at one point we thought of moving in with my in laws until we got back on our feet.

maybe its not such a bad idea anymore, assuming he is coming with me!

i want to blame him and yell at him and fault him for putting us in this terrible position.

we were once so well off at such a young age and now im battling to find health insurance. its crazy.

his affair, his mlc at 26 did us in.

and the store? the store was supposed to help us for a fresh start and its not doing even half of what it was supposed to and it seems he is totally giving up on it.

im such an optomist, i try to spin a positive light on things when i talk to him.

but right now i cant help but think he is with the ow.

just needed to vent.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/06/09 12:08 PM
so glad i resisted the urge to text h last night.

i relate these urges to the urges of an emotional eater.

if i would have texted last night, for no reason, i would have felt guilty about it this morning, kinda like if u eat at night, the box of cookies when you werent even hungry and then take it out on yourself the next day. lol.

i wish i could find the balance of fighting for my marriage and moving on at the same time.

sometimes i think i am doing it, sometimes i think the not letting go isnt helping me to move on.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/06/09 12:41 PM
Doodles,

Sometimes "moving on" (or -- better: "dropping the rope") IS the best way to "fight for your marriage."

They are not opposites.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/06/09 12:58 PM
but what do i do when i feel im dropping the rope and he is coming around almost immediately? how do i act?

responsive and then once apart, back to dropping the rope?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/06/09 01:24 PM
The point of dropping the rope is to let the other person know you have TRULY dropped it -- not to pick it back up at the first sign of a tug on the other end. In fact, if you're properly dropping the rope, you shouldn't even FEEL the tug on the other end, because how can you feel it if it's not in your hand??

You are still 99% focused on him. You need to be 90% focused on YOU, and walk down your path. Yes, you can OCCASIONALLY (10%) look over your shoulder and see if he's walking with you, but I wouldn't even recommend THAT until you're several miles down the path.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/06/09 06:48 PM
went by the store today to drop off flyers for tomorrow's street fair.

a guy from a local establishment was there, h is teaming up with him for the street fair.

is it me, or do u always feel like everyone knows your situation?

i always wonder, does h tell people...oh thats my wife but i cheat on her and have someone on the side...

i dont know, i felt like the guy knew, but i guess whats the difference

things between h and me are so totally different than a week ago.

i hate that there was a time in my life where everything seemed in place and the future seems so certain.

now, i feel like i never know what is ahead of me.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/06/09 11:17 PM
im feeling very down.

i cant help but think about the ow and that he is most likely with her now.

sometimes it hits me more than others and when it does, it totally overwelms me.

i wish i could just feel "done" with him and move on.

but i cant fake the feeling and it doesnt help when he ropes me back in, just enough to give me hope again.
Posted By: lola485 Re: he was back, i think - 06/07/09 03:42 AM
Hey doodles! Just wanted to check in with you. Sounds like you have received some very good advice...some of which I'm taking to heart myself. You have to remember you're still in the early stages of this, so it's ok if you don't feel very strong right now. Puppy gave some great advice about the rope...that was such a great analogy. You are in a tenuous spot right now...those small little tugs can just pull you into where you don't want to be. No one knows what the future holds, but more of the same will not get you to where you want to be. Stay strong girl...you know you have it in you.
Posted By: PositivelyMommy Re: he was back, i think - 06/07/09 08:21 AM
Hey mdoodles, I know it's difficult thinking abt OW.

But I think you can benefit from a different approach to this whole thing.

Did you know that humans can re-generate any type of cells except one. That is, if we get hurt or whatever, we can make more of them. Well, the one exception is Brain Cells. We are born with a finite amount of them. They die because we get older or because we drink alcohol (which kills them off) or for some people, taking drugs.

Now, let me ask you. Do you REALLY want to waste your precious brain cells thinking about that awful, useless piece of excuse for a human being? Seriously.

It's not worth it.

Think instead about the wonderful things in your life ( like your kid) and also the wonderful things life has in store for you. Think of the positive stuff and you will more likely give off a positive energy and attract positivity in your life. If you dwell on the negative, same effect, and also you may lower your immune system and get sick (I did.)

So really, she is NOT WORTH IT.

On the same note, neither is your H because of his actions now. So forget about them.
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 06/07/09 09:53 AM
ugh... happy birthday for the other day...

dont think about that OW! well ok - you have to a bit. I ADMIT you have to a bit, I did. try this: set yourself say, 10 minutes during the day/night, where you will allow yourself to THINK about OW. any other time.. off limits. you can ONLY think of her, during this 10 minutes. try to make this 10 minutes a time when you are doing something nice, - maybe a morning shower or a bath? you can think of her then: rest of the day, its YOUR time and all thoughts of her must be BANISHED!!!! well this worked for me anyhow. Now I no longer need my 10 minutes! (i am a little weird tho.) I just got sick of her being in my mind alllll the time so i decided to 'box' her up in my mind. made me feel, i dunno, more in control.

I hope you feel better about everything really soon, but, it does take time, and as i said to you before, sometimes 'saving' a marriage becomes almost obsessive. knowing that doesnt actually HELP as such, but knowing it can give you a measure of armor? help you cope? help you know that, when your feeling lost and directionless, you tend to grab hold of a GOAL, and your GOAL becomes all you think about, it consumes you, bc your too scared to look outside at life...

it does pass but a natural passing is better so getting thru it on your own time, with the tools that you have, is being compassionate to your soul and a balm to your spirit. being kind to yourself is about the best thing you can do. try to think kind loving thoughts every day, about you. like as in, "I am very good at >>>> Im glad of that" or "I am a loving person, which is why I feel in so much pain over this". we spend way too much 'beating' ourselves up. positive, loving self thoughts, to brighten yourself up, are important. if you catch yourself thinking, "im such a loser I cant stop thinking about him" CHANGE that thought to "thats true but its because I am a loving person I feel that way. I am getting stronger every day".
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/07/09 07:20 PM
took my son to the street fair where our store is. h was running the tent for our store.

it was a nice day and we had a decent time.

h was fine, normal, friendly, my son was happy to get to see him and is so proud to tell people we own the store.

terrific, lol. its going to close.

i really battled over going to the fair, i wanted to pull back, but at the same time, its a beautiful day and my son deserved the change to enjoy a street fair.

this is so hard, my head goes in circles, doesnt know what to focus on first.

i wish i knew what is going to happen with us.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/07/09 10:04 PM
h called when the fair was over, i guess to tell me how the rest of the day went.

its so hard now when things between us arent ugly anymore.

atleast when it was ugly, i could hate him.

now i miss him.

its so hard to detach when u have a child together, and a business together.

its even worse thinking (knowing) he is going to see her now.
Posted By: PositivelyMommy Re: he was back, i think - 06/08/09 01:24 AM
Hey doodles, I felt the same way exactly for one whole year. But then I asked H, so do you think we can live together as a family again? He refused to give me a definite answer without our C present. Then at C's office, he admitted that he wants this separation to be forever ending in D.

After I got told that to my face, I felt as if a spell has been lifted. Yes, a spell. A kind of love spell. Which I had been under for over 18 years.

The spell lifted and I was free from H. I felt like I was sleeping beauty waking from a deep sleep.

Now, I don't miss him. I see him without the rose-tinted glasses and see the man he is today, not the man I fell in love with.

I rejoice that I am now free. I can make choices that are based on my own happiness.

I don't know if this helps. But I think one day you will need to know a definitive answer from you H. I know you are afraid to ask now because it may not be the answer you want. It will take time but you will be ready one day. And when you get the answer, maybe the spell will be lifted as well.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/08/09 12:01 PM
my husband will most likely never make a definitive decision.

its either going to come from me, or the ow will leave him.

today i am feeling ok. some days are up, some are down, i guess i was due for an up day today.

i emailed my old employers (we have remained in contact since i left almost 6 years).

i told them i may be looking for part time work and to keep me in mind. they do not normally hire part time but they have told in the past they would do it for me.

its nice to know my work was appreciated and warrants special treatment!

going to the gym this morning, supermarket and meeting a friend for lunch.

i also have to pull together health insurance paperwork. we couldnt afford our cobra plan so im trying to get something else that is reasonably priced.

there should be health insurance plans for people just opening a business. oh well.

as for h, i havent called or texted, i know he will call me later.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/08/09 12:22 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
my husband will most likely never make a definitive decision.

its either going to come from me, or the ow will leave him.


Of course. We humans are, at the end of the day, basically "path-of-least-resistance" creatures, and if we're not forced to upset our own status quo, rarely will we upset it on our own. Especially if it's "working" for us, but even in cases where it's downright DYSFUNCTIONAL. It's just basic "a body in motion tends to stay in motion" stuff.

Add to that, that if he ever returns to the marriage only because the OW left him, you won't have really solved anything.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/08/09 12:30 PM
yes, you are right, his body in motion will stay in motion until acted upon by an outside force.

and each time it seems the outside force interferes, he somehow gains motion again.

it sounds so simple- i should just move on, go forward with the legal process and not look back.

but its not what i want.
Posted By: PositivelyMommy Re: he was back, i think - 06/08/09 12:43 PM
So mdooles, what you are saying is this:

"He cheats on me. I am OK with this as long as he doesn't leave me for good. It's better than getting a divorce."


It's been a few years, he hasn't recommitted. Not really. So ask yourself this, how much longer is this going to go on for? The answer is 'as long as you allow it'.

Do you not deserve better than a man who lies and cheats and doesn't treat you with respect? Or are you crossing your fingers, hoping for a miracle? Because it seems to me that you are, which is OK but again, how long will you hold out for miracle?

Puppy is right, if the only reason he comes back is that OW leaves him, there is no guarantee that he won't find another OW, or another OW get her clutches on HIM. He would not had to face the real issues of his R's and you are back where you started.

I am not saying that you should go ahead with the legal, there are other options. But I think if you REALLY ask him, for real, if he can actually commit again, then you will have an answer. And you know what, it might just kill the last bit of love you have for him and then you will be free and be able to move on without guilt or regrets. Then it WILL become what you want. As opposed to now, moving ahead, but not really meaning to. Does that make sense?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/08/09 12:53 PM
It does make sense. I think he does, in a sense, want to be home, be with me and his family. But everytime he does, he has yet to go through the withdrawal from giving up ow and everything blackslides.

If not to proceed with legal, what are the options?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/08/09 01:00 PM
Make him miss you emotionally and physically, for one.
Posted By: PositivelyMommy Re: he was back, i think - 06/08/09 01:27 PM
Exactly.

Also, how about you moving on ahead with your life, REALLY detaching. Find the mdoodles that you are inside, out of this man's influence.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/08/09 02:30 PM
well emotionally, he lost me 2 weeks ago when this all went down, all he has now is emotion from me with our business.

physically, i do need to restrain myself, u are right.

its hard because i want the connection, i want to be close to him, but i know i need to not give in to him while he is back with her.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/08/09 02:41 PM
what i need to do is release myself from the game of winning him.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 06/08/09 02:52 PM
mdoodles, you know we are in the same position so I don't even have to tell you I understand. What I can say is that these guys are so right but it is very difficult. I'm struggling with it myself. I think we both know what we need to do its just doing it, crossing that threshold per se is what's hard. For me I struggle with being consistent. A whole month will go by without me being physical with H and then I give in. So keep struggling and it will get better. Just try baby steps and then it gets better. When I first learned of H and ow I use to say constantly I want my M to work, and I still do. But I profess that motto less and I think that was a good first step for me. Now, there are many days when I feel like it will be alright for me if H and I end it. I will be terribly lonely and will probably always love him but I will be alright. It gets better, there will be fewer and fewer bad days.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/08/09 07:12 PM
mdoodles
I understand. Is it this? Is this your thought process: If I could only get rid of her somehow, get him home--I could show him how happy we could be? I just need the distraction of the OW gone and I know I can do it?
If it is, I think the same way.
But ultimately, I believe you can show him the real you, the you he fell in love with, whenever you want. Ow or not.
But I have to agree with another post: It's ok if he cheats on me if in the long run he comes home......that sucks.
But I also understand how hard it is to walk away. Especially when we've learned that the majority of couples who survive this crap are stronger.
Keep your chin up. You're not alone and you're not crazy. Hurt and pain and confusion are strange motivators. Just make sure you keep you under control and you do things you can be proud of.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/08/09 11:00 PM
its so not ok that he cheats on me, and i have let him know this and he knows it without me saying.

for so long, i did not know, i think he thought he would come home and i would be none the wiser.

backfired.

and then when i did find out, it hurt, but i had him back home. i certainly let him have it, like he had never seen, but i had him back and i felt i could learn to forgive.

but that was last year and he left again.

and once he left, we started working our way back to eachother. and during this past year, he tried to make me believe things with her were over.

which brings us to 2 months ago, when he did come back home and we opened our business, attempting to leave the past behind us.

backfired again.

i know i have done everything i can, that this realyl isnt about me, its about him.

he needs to be strong enough to go through with no contact with her, strong enough to admit his faults and strong enough to work things through at home.

do i think it would be easier if she up and left him for good? yes.

but it ultimately will not solve the problems.

right now, im laying low in terms of relationship talk, being upbeat in his presence and on the phone.

im being me. thats all i can do.
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 06/09/09 12:30 PM
it does take time. hell it took me years. I can relate to how hard it is to just.. STOP... but it is like PositivelyMommy says, one day, you just wake up and think "I love who he WAS not who he IS, and hes just not ever going to be who he WAS again". and its like a death, really, its very sad.

I think we put off that death a long time til we can cope with the mourning of it.

its weird you know but in the end you kind of get to a point where you KNOW you could not love him who he is today, and you wonder about how any woman COULD really. but thats another quetion... they reinvent themselves. its not an honest reinvention either.

At least you have this: you had him at his youngest, most virile, most idealistic, most REAL. he had nothing to hide and nothing to lie about with you. lol NOW how sorry do you feel for the person who ends up with who he IS? a sorry man who hides his past and who he was and lies about every event that made him who he is today..? WOW you wouldnt want to be HER.

Like PM says, you do reach a point where you are still grieving and sad as anything, but also thinking 'yea, thats not what i want'. its the past you grieve, not who he is right now; that person you dont even know, or would want to know, or would care about. hes not on the same compass as you in life. ergo if he was in a different body, you wouldnt even know him or even be attracted to him.... food for thought

when you REALLY assimilate that more fully the OW wont bother you as much and as weird as this sounds you almost wish them on each other... bc your good enough to not wish them on other people...

i think you just reach a point where you realise there were THREE people in your relationship, you, the h, and "the marriage". and "the marriage" was like its own separate being in the end. and you try to breathe life into it and you shake it about and freak out that its dead, but then you just have the TWO of you, and "the marriage" is a dead thing between you. a corpse in the room *dark chuckle*.

im not that concise but i guess what im saying is, when you finall decide "the marriage" is dead you begin focussing on your own self more and seeing your partner without "the marriage" being there. as a separate being; then you think "wow! i dont even like you now!"

but like most things moving on is very sad and very had and most of us breathed life into the corpses of "the marriage" for oh, many years, before we saw our partner truly standing alone...
Posted By: PositivelyMommy Re: he was back, i think - 06/09/09 02:00 PM
Wow, FF, that is exactly how I feel now. I see it as the rose-tinted glasses being removed from my eyes. I DO see H now as he IS.

Quote:
At least you have this: you had him at his youngest, most virile, most idealistic, most REAL. he had nothing to hide and nothing to lie about with you. lol NOW how sorry do you feel for the person who ends up with who he IS? a sorry man who hides his past and who he was and lies about every event that made him who he is today..? WOW you wouldnt want to be HER.


That's a good one. A nice way to think of your M and a nice reality check abt the current state of affairs (no pun intended). Yeah, it does su*k to be OW. She gets the drags, yet we got the real mcCoy. Niiiiiice.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/09/09 07:30 PM
went to the store today....h was all pissy because he had a big order to make.

to me, that is a good thing, to someone in his state, not a good thing.

i dont get him. i should stop trying.

i ended up walking out. the negative energy he gives off doesnt do anything for me.

and believe me, it had nothing to do with me.

interesting to see how he is later when he is here, i know my walking out affects him more than if i simply called him out on his odd behavior.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/10/09 06:06 PM
finally met with health insurance broker to fill out paperwork for the state health plan, which happens to be free!

as i pleaded my hardship, bloomigdales was leaving a message on my answering machine, reminding me about the sale. great timing huh. the lady didnt seem phased.

sometimes its so odd to think of the position we are currently in, although its nice to just chalk it up to the economy like everyone else these days.

so now ive taken care of the health forms and the house paperwork.

i feel accomplished in a sense.

still trying to detach myself from situation with h, trying to keep busy and schedule lots of fun plans for the weekend with my son.

in the meantime, h is nothing but nice and trying to keep me interested and waiting for him.

would love to see into the future....
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/10/09 11:01 PM
today my son was very upset when h left. i guess he is getting older and notices things more.

my h was acting so surprised, like he shouldnt be upset and was getting angry, most likely to deflect from the fact that its his fault.

he makes like our son should be used to his coming and going. i didnt even engage in a discussion about it, would get me no where.

what i wanted to say was, gee, ever think that coming home for a few months and then leaving again may possibly have an effect on him? ever think he realized he saw u every night and morning and now he doesnt?

but didnt say it. its obvious. and saying it to him would be in one ear, out the other, and probably start an argument while he defended himself.

i feel bad. i hate this.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 12:13 PM
Well, we can't see into the futre, so the best you can do is prepare for it and try to make it what you want.
My plan now is to be more like the girl I was a few years back. I've known for a while H would probably like that, but oddly only recently have a I realized, I would like it too. I loved that girl. She packed her car and all her crap and just moved to Florida....didn't know a soul in this town but did it anyways for a new job opportunity. It was an adventure.
I think you and I both need to lighten up.
So let's do it.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 12:41 PM
its hard to prepare for the future when right now everything is so up in the air and a mess financially.

im as lightened up as they come, especially considering the situation im in.

i wish i could fully remove myself from the day to day nonsense and detach from h.

we are dealing with so much, and his affair only adds to it.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 12:54 PM
Forget the affair. Seriously. Forget it. The ONLY reason he is there is because she has no attachments to his real life. She is a nut case, but she's a nut case that when he's with her, he's not a crappy husband. He's not a crappy father. He's not a crappy provider. He's not a crappy businessman. He's the HERO in white shining armour.
You think he doesn't want to see you? Of course he does. You think he doesn't want to be with you? Of course he does. You think he wants to sleep in a different house than you and your child? No a freaking chance in hell.....but when he's with you, he's reminded of his screw ups, his mistakes. When he's with her, once again, he's perfect.
I'm not sure how you make him feel loved, wanted and needed. I'm not sure how you make him feel like your hero, but when you figure it out, you need to let me know so I can do that with my H.
And however you do all of that, it needs to start happening today.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 01:00 PM
And basically what I mean by forget the affair is this: My H was having an EA with a co-worker. She was also in a bad relationship where there was lots of fighting, just as it was between me and H. So they latched onto each other, being each other's ego boost and "You make me feel so good about myself" buddies.
And now, that has really died down as she now has a new boyfriend who gives her everything her little heart desires and my H is broke, more than a decade older than her and has a kid. But no matter, he's now got another weird phone relationship with a distant cousin who lives in another state that he's never laid eyeballs on. But they Facebook and they talk on the phone now....
So really, it's not the person....it's what the person does for our H's....which is boost their egos and gives them the euphoric feelings you have when you get to know someone.
If not this dummy, it would be another one. So don't stress about her, she's nothing and could be easily replaced with a new dummy.
Concentrate on you.
Posted By: PositivelyMommy Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 01:11 PM
I think SLL is absolutely correct in her assessment of our WAS.

Though to go one step further. Do we really want men who fall in love with themselves through the reflection of someone else's eyes, whether it's ours or OW's?

If they are feeling badly about themselves, shouldn't they do something about those issues rather than find a mirror that tells them exactly what they want to hear so they can forget about their problems?

Is that what we really want to end up with?

Of course we know what to tell our H's. We know 90% of the time what they are thinking. We know what would tick them off, what would stroke their ego.

The questions is when did they become so insecure that a little confrontation/truth conversation is going to scare them into someone else's arms?

Are these men or mice?

So the answer is to not mention the elephant in the room, rather, we should act like OW's and just stroke their ego and make them feel better?

That is the answer to a happy marriage?

I wonder if my whole concept of marriage has been totally screwed up?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 01:15 PM
PM,

PREACH it, sister. You are SO right on with this -- what a great post!!! whistle whistle

"Make him feel like a hero"???? On my planet, adulterers aren't heroes.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 02:48 PM
u guys are so right on target.

and guess what? i have to bring him to reality today and go over more of our financial mess.

if today doesnt make him hitchhike his way to fantasy land, i dont know what will!

it is still so hard for me to grasp how he was so financially stable, so financially responsible, how he could fall apart the way he has. its incredible.

i have plenty to go over with him today.

the truth is, and i see it and know it, i would be better off with him, he is a liability to me. and will be to the ow.

if i could only get myself to accept and proceed accepting it, wihtout waivering, i would be much better off.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 03:41 PM
I understand PM's perspective.
But here is why my situation, it doesn't quit fit.
I badgered him. I annoyed him. I nagged him. I bitched. I went for the kill. And then he started to stay away more and more. I repeated the process again, but with more umph! I was going to win. I was going to nag him back into our marriage to work on it.
Well, it didn't work. He sought new relationships that made him feel better.
And the truth of the matter was, yes he contributed to why we are where we are and so did I. 50/50 split.
So it's not so much our spouses need to have their egos stroked as a way of life.....but for me and my spouse he needed at the time he left the marriage.
I would agree if you are with someone who will need that for the rest of their lives, that could be tough. A very hard order to fill.
But for me, I will admit the emotional beating I put out there for him....he needed to go somewhere to recover. I'm sorry I did this, I'm sorry he had to seek solice somewhere else. In hindsight....I truly regret it.
But for me, with my spouse, it's not that he needs his ego boosted, he needs to be made to feel like a hero everyday of his life.....but he definitely could NOT live in a marriage where he was being bashed from just about every direction.
And only he and I know that.
And when he was done getting his emotional butt kicking from me, his wife who promised to cherish him, he went some where to lick it wounds and recover.
I hate my involvement in this, but I'm getting more accomplished now that I've admitted my part in this.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 05:50 PM
saw my husband briefly, just to share with him reality for a few minutes....lol

my plan of the day is this:

pull back as much as i can, minimal contact - let him do the work

try to protect what i can, handle what i can, financially

try to plan ahead to the best of my ability

keep my son happy and entertained, plan things for us for the weekend.

im going to try and do all of this without moving forward legally.

maybe in time i will adjust and accept the idea of it, right now, im not there

and if he does move forward, i know i will be ok. the truth is, it could only help me, im just not ready
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 06:09 PM
Mdoodle, yes ma'am! I think that this is an excellent way for you to look at it. How can you go wrong making sure that you and your son are happy and provided for? How did he take his dose of reality?
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 06:20 PM
I think that is a great course of action.
Just hang in there and be positive and the woman you know 5 million men would love to date!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 07:35 PM
thats the funny thing - any guy would love to date me and bring me home to his parents.

i know this. yet i still hang on to my husband, who was once so proud to be my husband (and between me and you, i think he still is).

its so extremely sad to see how he has screwed up, has become the complete opposite of himself.

i do like my current plan of action, and still hold out hope we can reconcile.

but in the meantime, im sticking to my focus.

remind me later when im sad again...
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 07:39 PM
oh and how did he take his dose of reality?

as if i didnt say anything, as if no big deal.

i had gone to the store with information written out for him as if he were a child.

i need him to call the bank and dispute charges on our account, that only he can dispute.

its not a large amount of money, but to me, if we can get the money back, money is money.

he took the paper and was like, yeah ok, im on it right away. and put it in his pocket.

then i told him he needs to give me his birth certificate to make a copy of for our health insurance.

he was like, yeah, when i get around to finding it.

so i was like, if nothing else, put some hop in your step so our son gets insurance.

realizing waiting on him to do something is silly, i called the broker and explained the situation.

she will now proceed on getting my insurance and my son's. she will send out a letter to my h requesting the certificate from him. if he fails to provide it, he will not receive insurance.

dont mess with me lol.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 08:00 PM
I didn't think you were going to get much reaction out of him. The next time something like this comes up is it possible to maybe ask him to take over the task of getting it done? Making him feel useful for the whole family?
I think his ego has taken a big big hit here. Many men feel they have to be the main provider, they have to go out and "hunt" and when they can't they feel bad.
I would try to build him up.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 08:21 PM
all i do is build him up.

we were once upper class wealthy people at the age of 25, he hit a crisis and we plummeted.


then we chose to open a business, because of the faith i had in him and his abilities, wanting us to start fresh.

i stood by him, helped him to tackle his debt, all while we planned a store.

he left a great job to do it and now the store isnt doing wel.

so yes, im sure he feels like he cant provide.

at the same time, he does nothing to redeem himself or talk rationally about any of it.

to me, the store still has potential, and i tell him all the time how i still believe in him and his ability to make it a succcess. but he is washing his hands of it rather than doing things to improve it.

i try my best to handle things, when i was never the one handling the finances.

i cant leave financial things to him anymore, he barely looks at the mail.

because he is overwelmed by it, yes, but it still needs to be looked at.

we are on good terms, we do not fight, he gives me just enough to keep me still interested in him.

i just spoke to him a few minutes ago which always sets me back because we are on good terms and then i miss him.

im still trying to keep him from shutting the store, but there is only so much i can do.

unless someone wants help or advice, they dont accept help or advice.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 11:42 PM
You are right about that.
So here's my suggestion, for what it's worth: maybe work it so keeping the store opened is HIS idea, not yours. I'm not sure how you could do this but if he thinks it's your idea, he's def against it right now.
We say white, they say black.
We say stay, they say go.
Keep being supportive though. I think that's great and great for your son for you two to be at least civil to each other.
Good things can grow from there.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/11/09 11:52 PM
we are more than civil to eachother, thats what always makes our odd relationship of late so interesting.

my son has no clue there is a problem between us.

i like what u are saying, try to make it that its his idea to stay opened. not sure how to do that.

im going to try again tomorrow and see what i can do.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/12/09 12:05 PM
h showed up this morning to bring me his birth certificate for the health insurance.

i was rather surprised.

he didnt say much, just more negativity about the store.

im tired of his negative attitude.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/12/09 12:32 PM
How about this....?
Maybe say to him "What do YOU want to do about the store? You've been the provider for this family for so long....you've done a great job and gotten us out of jams before....so I'm going to trust you on this one because it's worked out for me in the past.....what do you think? Should we sell or fight it out here?"
Now it's truly his idea.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/12/09 12:39 PM
well, he is set on closing the store so all he will say is he is closing.

and in terms of getting us out of jams? nope.

we were never in jams until he went wild. now we are in a jam, and is certainly not being proactive to get us out.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/12/09 06:02 PM
Well, not sure then....but work on something to give him that ego boost....he's feeling down and he may reciprocate and do the same for you.
I think if you want to trust him again, give him a nudge in that direction that you already do....
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 06/12/09 08:39 PM
Do you think that him bringing his Birth Certificate to you as he said he would is worth commenting on? Maybe you could say something nice about that? Maybe just something as simple as "Thanks for not making me stress about that" or something like that.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/12/09 11:10 PM
i did thank him when he brought it, he knew i was surprised.

we are on very good terms, our daily interactions are fine, truthfully i go above and beyong what someone else in my shoes would do.

when he showed up this morning out of no where (and scared me half to death), the first thing i did was thank him for bring the certificate and offered him a cup of coffee.

he is in a crisis right now that only he can figure himself out of.

i have done absolutely everything i can, i have stood by him and continue to do so.

i have pulled back, just enough to not pursue, yet im still being cutesy and being me.

i do not mention ow, or the fact that he made it sound like we are finished for good (nothing ever came of that).
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/12/09 11:40 PM
i always start to feel down at night, especially with the weekend.

i took my son out for dinner and to the mall, havent gone in a while and he has a good time, especially going to the candy store.

didnt hear from h, usually do, he is like clockwork.

im wondering if he came by the house instead of calling and just saw we werent home.

oh well, if he did, it looked good that we werent home.

im doing ok for the most part, but i miss him.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 06/12/09 11:48 PM
I think that its good that you are getting out. I like going to the movies, I know that it costs money, but really, all you have to do is go out and be entertained for a few hours. It was a good distraction for me.

Everyone does ok for the most part, even when things are "perfect" there are always tough days. Maybe they happened less often, but theyre always there.

(((Mdoodles))) I hope that you have a good weekend.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/13/09 02:11 AM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


im wondering if he came by the house instead of calling and just saw we werent home.

oh well, if he did, it looked good that we werent home.



Abso-frigging-LUTE-ly!! wink
Posted By: FightingFit Re: he was back, i think - 06/13/09 09:13 AM
hey mdoodles, nights were the worst for me also, I wish I could actually do or say something to help, but all I can do is say what helped me, which was reading a lot, before bed... I would read motivational, spiritual books. A lot were complete crap. but some were really good! I kind of like that bit actually - I learned some new things and new ways of looking at things... probably the dalai lama taught me the most (quite something coming from a catholic girl LOL.)

overall i think your doing fantast, and journalling is doing you well... just dont go down the wrong paths... ie anger, hatred, resentment... its so hard but... if you can avoid that its so beneficial... thats why I loved the dalai lama I guess, he taught me about REAL compassion. ie theres two types: theres the one that has SELF INTEREST and ATTACHMENT (ie I will care as long as it serves me) and then theres the real thing which is I HAVE COMPASSION EVEN THOUGH THIS PERSON HAS NO ATTACHMENT TO ME... its a real freedom. genuine compassion requires a HUGE amount of patience and tolerance. im not even close to being proficient. but im learning! and it does ease the pain

PM .... OMG yes yes yes! laugh I love your posts ... laugh
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/13/09 12:35 PM
so h showed up again this morning before going to the store.

i so think its so he can see me in my pajamas! lol

so weird, his behavior is so weird, although i guess not really.

just appears like he is second guessing himself once again.

i played it cool and friendly and my usual cute self.

kept conversation light, stuck to sports, the penguins winning cup and my yankees beating his mets

he actually asked what i was doing today, because he heard my son telling someone on the phone that was taking him to the local amusement park.

he came into my bedroom and sat on the bed with me watching tv.

he did his usual, im leaving now, so i was like, hnag out alittle longer, lets watch tv together. and he did.

he told me he would come tomorrow again after work, i said ok.

im sure he will call me later, im trying to keep myself from texting or calling him first.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/13/09 12:57 PM
All good things. And yes, he's second guessing himself. I think you need to stay detached, and yes, if you can DO NOT contact him first.
This has to be his idea. He has to be the one to want to work on it first.
Nights are pretty bad. The bed feels different when their weight isn't there to even it out. Sleep in the middle. That helps me a lot.
You can do this. You are so great.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/13/09 01:12 PM
i should be used to not having him in bed, this october will be 3 years since life was normal,

but having him back in between is what starts me back at zero.

after a few weeks, i slowly adjust again, but either way, i miss him, especially at night.

i slept so well when he was back.

but its comforting to know he isnt so sold on leaving again.

i wish he could see what everyone else sees. i wish he was strong enough to deal with his emotions, deal with what he has done and be willing to truly work through it.

i cant make him but i do hope and pray he finally reaches that point.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/13/09 02:32 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
so h showed up again this morning before going to the store.

i so think its so he can see me in my pajamas! lol

so weird, his behavior is so weird, although i guess not really.

just appears like he is second guessing himself once again.

i played it cool and friendly . . .

he did his usual, im leaving now, [b]so i was like, hang out alittle longer, lets watch tv together[/b]. and he did.


That's not "cool and friendly." That is the in-person equivalent of calling or texting him, and it's PURSUING.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/13/09 03:18 PM
to me, pursuing is when it pisses them off.

for my situation, pursuing and pressuring is when i harp about the ow, nag, plead or beg.

when i am friendly and he is responsive, to me, its a good thing.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/13/09 06:43 PM
Then we have drastically different definitions of "pursuing." A cake-eater will rarely get "pissed off" to friendly advances from one of his pieces of cake.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/13/09 07:59 PM
i understand what u are saying, but i have taken many approaches with my husband and being friendly and playful is best.

and believe me, i know when to be playful and when not to be.

at the times when things between us are ugly (a few weeks ago), playful was not something i could or would do. it would have been total pressure and pursuing.

my h wants attention, wants to be needed and loved. is what he is doing right? no.

but i want him to enjoy being here and being with me. there are things that were lacking between us, on my end, especially after our son was born.

so i try to incorporate them now between us, when i see him warming up to me.

my biggest mistake was not enforcing boundaries when he was home.

that is something i must do if we do indeed work things out.

i will not allow him back home without certain things in place.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/13/09 08:06 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
i understand what u are saying, but i have taken many approaches with my husband and being friendly and playful is best.


Perhaps I misunderstood. I thought this was largely what you've done in the past, and it HASN'T worked??
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/13/09 08:25 PM
for a large part of our time apart, i took the db approach well before i even know what db was. it didnt drive us to divorce, but nothing improved...then i slowly started warming up to him, opening up alittle more and being more playful, more comfortable, and it changed him in response.

my problem, our problem is the piecing. piecing is extremely hard. and i did not enforce the no contact.

so for now, i will continue not calling him first, i rarely even return his phone calls, not questioning his whereabouts, not questioning about ow, not questioning the status of our relationship.

but i will continue to be friendly and playful when its comfortable, i will continue to make our home the place he will want to be.

and if we get to the point where he wants to come home, or rather, knowing him, just shows up, boundaries must be enforced and the no contact is mandatory, and i will need proof that she is out of the picture.

i know i cannot rely on his word or rely on him sleeping home every night. its clear somehow they started talking again, or who knows, never stopped.
Posted By: karen43 Re: he was back, i think - 06/13/09 09:48 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles

i know i cannot rely on his word or rely on him sleeping home every night. its clear somehow they started talking again, or who knows, never stopped.
For me, a lying, cheating spouse doesn't seem like a success. How have things improved? Maybe he's relieved you now seem to be more accepting and light-hearted about his A? How long have you tried this approach? Karen
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/14/09 07:25 PM
well the store is really closing today. unbelievable.

we are out alot of money, i guess i shouldnt even think about it.

i feel bad because my parents had given us a majority of it, never expecting this would happen.

im nervous now that h left a great job for the store and now what will he do? totally overwelming.

i get what he was saying, i get the business wasnt doing well, i get we were scammed. i get it.

but i didnt want it to close.


no wonder my shingles is chronic.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 06/14/09 08:31 PM
Who cares what he does.

What are you going to do? He has made his bed. And now he gets to sleep in it.

You have to be willing to let him truly experience the world that he has made for him self.

I dont think that its ever too late to change whats been happening. And I hope that you can really enforce the no contact when he comes back. I know that its scary and you are afraid that by doing it you will drive him away. But in the past when you dont enforce it he has wandered away. So if you get the chance I think that it will be really important.

What are you doing for YOU? Besides worrying about what hes doing?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/14/09 08:36 PM
i have to worry what he is doing! what he does directly affects me!

im a stay at home mom, we opened a business together, that was his job, that was to make our income, and it tanked.

so now we are unemployed. and yes, i can get a part time job, but really not until september, my son will only be in camp 3 days a week this summer.

and yes, he will experience the world now with the mess he made, although he did not plan on the store failing and being unemployed.

he has enough debt and credit troubles anyway that have nothing to do with me.

so while i can focus on myself rather than our relationship, the business side of our relationship, the employment side and financial side is still our concern together.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/15/09 04:17 PM
I completely agree. There is no way to say "who cares what he/she does?" if you are financially linked. That's a huge concern as is and even more so when there are kids involved.

I also understand what you've been doing and why. It sucks to love someone so much who is just acting like such a schmuck. I live it everyday with you.

But what do you want to do? In a perfect, realistic world, what do you want to happen next? And how are you going to make that happen?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/15/09 04:34 PM
what do i want? i want him to come home, end his affair, work things out here, meaning counseling and whatever else it takes.

but what i want and what will happen may not be the same.

im sure if i waited long enough, didnt proceed legally, he will return. but the real question is, would he stay, would it work out?

right now we are in a very tough position financially, more him than me due to his personal credit troubles that have arose from the affair and carring on the double life.

i am taking it day by day.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/16/09 05:59 PM
How are you today?
My H sent me separation/divorce agreement, via email. I told him to do this to my face, I'm not ending my marriage electronically.
I also made it clear I'm leaving and if he wants to move out and sign a lease, he's only going to bankrupt us which I hate, but I will walk down that road if I have to.
So things are done for me, so I'll give my hope to you.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/16/09 06:49 PM
by email? interesting....dont u have to do this through a lawyer?

dont make it too easy for him and make sure u protect yourself.

a lawyer will tell u what to do, and he can sign a lease if he wants AFTER your support is put into place, child and spousal.

the remaining money he can do what he wants with, as long as u are covered, u wont care.

as for me, i am doing ok, nothing too new to report.

things between h and i are ok.

i cant ever figure him out, but it is clear he isnt so sold on leaving me...

now its up to me to decide if im done (which i never am) or if im willing to wait it out.

i think im just going to go about my business like i said, make sure fiancially things are being paid, stay friendly but slightly removed and see what happens.

im not interested in proceeding legally.

its terrible i know, but i do feel myself wrapped in the game of winning, and i need to stop that way of thinking. i realize that.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/16/09 08:10 PM
mdoodles, all of this is just so hard. You never think you would ever be in this position because we are too smart and we didn't marry guys who would do this....but oddly enough, here we are.
don't beat yourself up. as long as you can organize your thoughts and do what's right, you're going to be ok.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/16/09 08:31 PM
nope, never thought this would happen to me...as i was walking in the door a few minutes ago, i had a flashback to when we were having work done on this house and i was coming to check on the banister guy - i was just thinking to myself, man, i was once "normal" and had a "normal" life and my husband was "normal"...its amazing isnt it? just thinking back to that time in my life, its just crazy.

i miss that life. i miss my husband from back then. and when i think about those times, it keeps me holding on, that maybe, just maybe, he will fully return.

he is definitely in mlc, i see bits and pieces of the old him and now he sorta went back into his hole but keeps a part out and attached to me.

im so day to day, if i think about the ow, i do the thought-stopping and its working.

im staying focused for now as much as possible.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 06/17/09 04:42 AM
mdoodles....

Just checking in on you. I have been away for awhile taking my girls on a vacation.

I am so sorry to hear that the business is really going to close. I was praying for you, hoping for some kind of turn around.

I see where you are coming from on being cute and playful when the time is right. You (we all do) want to show our spouse who we still are, the person that they fell in love with and may be losing. I have done the same thing with my H too. That's the DB thing for doing a 180 I believe.

One thing that I am learning myself is something that my mom use to say to me when I was a kid. I hated hearing it then but by God I am trying hard to do it now. IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!! I have realized in the past that when my H would say something rude or mean I would have a rude or mean comeback for it. Now I try to say something nice or say nothing at all. You could have made nasty remark about finally do something right for the family by your H getting that certificate to you but you were nice. You showed him the woman that he is missing. Kudos to you on do this. Stick with being that woman. You like her better and so does he.

You are doing great and are staying focused. Keep it up. Hopefully things will start falling into place for you.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/17/09 11:13 AM
thanks. i have always been one to think before i speak. always.

i was genuinely happy he brought his certificate. it wouldnt have even dawned on me to respond with a nasty comment.

we were never the type to fight or make rude comments. he has never ever ever put me down. he would have no reason to.

i do not discuss the ow, if she ever came up however, that is one thing i do say what is on my mind. and really, what can he say to that?

nothing really new to report, staying focused (as best i can), trying to figure out where or when we have to move, busy trying to sell furniture and stuff, thinking what i can plan for the weekend with my son.

still wondering where h is going to get a job, i dont like to press the issue everytime i talk to him, i know he is concerned too. but i also know i dont have to worry too much, he is a workaholic and is in a specialized field with great talent in his industry, so im sure he will find something.

i will offer to help him with a resume, i recall doing one for him when we were in college. he doesnt know how to do these type of things and its in my interest that he has a superb one if he needs one....


Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/17/09 02:33 PM
Yeah, it's amazing to me when I think about it, how there was NEVER any thought in my mind he and I could end up this way....I married him because I thought he was stronger....but in the end, he just doesn't want to grow up. It makes me too sad to think about it.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/17/09 07:34 PM
so get this -- i get a letter in the mail today from my lawyer, enclosing a letter from h's lawyer looking to make a settlment with me!!!! is he for real?????

it is dated from last week and if i tell u how he has been acting, i am totally shocked by the letter.

i knew he had called his lawyer 3 weeks ago, didnt think i was ever going to hear anything.

i left a message for my lawyer, when he calls me back, i am going to tell him to sit on this. there is no time frame for a response, let his lawyer reach out again. and when he does, mine can tell him im "thinking" it over...as if!

at the end of the day, if this is what he wants, fine. but im not settling anything, i have gathered and saved all of my documents and proof to protect and support my case to show that nothing gets split down the middle based on his actions.

in the meantime, im in no hurry.

i know this girl is looking to marry him. she can keep waiting.

so happy to know new york does legal separation....something tells me she doesnt know about it.

i do realize i focus too much on ow, cant help it, i just cant.

i will protect myself of course, but im in no hurry to speed this along.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/17/09 11:44 PM
im sitting here not too happy. i guess i have been naive, or simply not willing to let go.

and he doesnt make it easier for me when his behavior towards me shows the complete opposite of people looking to split legally.

i should be stronger, i should hate him, i should move on and never look back. it sounds good to say, its easy for people to say.

its not that easy.

and the ow? when there is someone else, it hurts double.

and yes, i realize he cant be all that into her if he is still "cheating" on her.

i see this isnt too much about me.

i really think my h doesnt want to be a family man.

in the settlement letter, he is volunteering to give me full custody. who does that so quickly in the first attempt at a settlement?

i even wonder if he knows what the letter says, this is all too weird.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 12:36 AM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


in the settlement letter, he is volunteering to give me full custody. who does that so quickly in the first attempt at a settlement?



A man of poor character, and a lousy father, in my opinion -- that's who.

Why do you even want this man? confused

Puppy
Posted By: AlexEN Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 01:04 AM
What Puppy said ^

I, like PDT, am a "Nice Guy" to a fault...

But, F - him, any father who would offer up full custody of his kids in a settlement, not only has poor character, but should have his nad$ cut off so there is no chance of him ever fathering again.

He gives ALL dads a bad name...

... and even if he doesn't know what he signed, which I find hard to believe, that's NO excuse... It's abandonment. Period.

mdoodles, I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but YOU deserve a man who respects you and your children...

BTW, Puppy, I'm almost to 4% of your posts...


Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 01:12 AM
Originally Posted By: AlexEN


BTW, Puppy, I'm almost to 4% of your posts...





Pffffft. Rookie. wink
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 01:44 AM
the letter said "give custody to the mother", and then listed his visitation. im assuming that meant not joint custody.

he did not sign the letter, it was a 1 paragraph letter, seemed alittle odd to me.

i agree, if he is truly offering full custody, this is not a man i should want. its rather sad.

i need to fully accept and see him for what he has become.
Posted By: Yoyowife Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 02:02 AM
Yes, Mdoodles, we do have to see what they have become, very sad, but true.

As far as the custody issue goes, I would not say anything to him. It might backfire on you and he may try to get it so that he has equal joint custody and does not have to pay child support. It know it's so hard not to tell them their faults sometimes, but we all know it goes in one ear and out the other, and they end up angrier, but not wiser. I have found it's better not to even waste my breath. Yes, I may get satisifaction from it. But does it open his eyes? No. Just talk to a lawyer and know your rights. Yes, you can drag your feet, but still make sure that you and your son are protected. I haven't always taken my own advice, but my eyes are now slowly opening. Believe me, some of your posts are so similar to ones I wrote, I totally understand, but please be careful.

Hugs, Yoyo
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 02:09 AM
oh, i plan on saying about any of this to him. dont worry!

i already spoke to him today and didnt let on that i even got the letter.

dont they have to pay child support by law, regardless of the custody status?
Posted By: karen43 Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 02:11 AM
I'm sorry to hear of this too. One thought I'm having is that yes, it's awful that he is doing this just giving you custody, but on the other hand if he isn't interested in being a good dad, I mean maybe that's better. In my sitch, my H wants extra custody I think for $$$ reasons, and spends his time running or at work and leaving the kids in his apt. I mean better they truly be with a parent that's there, like you are. In time, if he's a decent guy and dad, hopefully he'll realize what he's missing out on!!! Karen
Posted By: Yoyowife Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 02:14 AM
My understanding is that in some states that if the parents share equal parenting time that child support does not have to be paid by either parent. It is up to each individual parent when they have the child.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 04:11 AM
In my state I have joint leagal custody with the biological dads of my daughter (yes I said dads and neither is my H) but I have physical custody with them having visitation. They pay me child support for the girls. That may be something to ask your lawyer about to get the big picture of it all. Everyone's case is different, even people that I know in the same state, and only a lawyer can really give you the legal advice that you need on all of that.

As for him not signing the letter, I would think that he would have to sign it for it to be a legal document. Everything that I have done had to be signed by me in front of my lawyer and then filed with the court house. Perhaps this letter is one that the lawyer just sent so that your H's side can 'feel you out on your thoughts'. Your advice to yourself is great, sit on it and don't say anything. Kinda like a hand of poker, you don't let on what cards you have until it's time.

My state is a 50/50 state that splits it down the middle no matter who incurs the debt. If your married when the debt is made then it is both of your debts. I hope that your state is not like that if he has incurred too much debt on his own without your knowledge.

About the OW, let her have the loser. Sorry that is harsh but he gave up his wife, his marriage, and now sounds like he is willing to give up his child for her. Let her have him. Yes it is easier said than done, I know, but think about you and your son's future. Where do you really want to be? Happy and safe or unhappy, worried, sharing your H with the OW, and unsafe?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 10:57 AM
he did not sign the letter, it is signed by his lawyer, it is a brief letter of basically nothing. alittle interesting. i will speak to my lawyer today, but i am still saying, do nothing.

i have my stuff prepared, proof and information prepared for when needed.

in this state, i dont think the debt is mine, either way, he doesnt want to give it to me, he knows he ran it up being with her. the cards were not in my name and i didnt know about them until i found out about everything.

in terms of child support, i know he has to pay $17 of his salary (which right now is nothing! i cant even believe it) and spousal support.

when we went down this road last year, i was getting a few thousand dollars, hard to realize he doesnt have that same job because of the store. its crazy.

i know he will find something else, just hope it pays him similar to what he was making, for my sake and my son's!

it is all so very hard, i try not to think about ow but its so hard not to. i heard she posted her profile picture with him again, she does it to annoy me, but i wont look.

i know if she gets him, he isnt the man i had, or the man she thought she had. she saw him as her american dream, and that, he he is no longer.

he was once, and that is what i hang on. i see glimpses of that man, but not consistently.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 02:03 PM
mdoodles,

What do YOU want now?

For me, there's been a strange turn of events.
I met with a lawyer yesterday but before H and I talked about a few things...including that he will give the marriage program a try afterall.
I am still 99% sure of divorce for us, but I was surprised.
He did sign a new lease for a place in town that is furnished and it's month to month which is what I asked him to look for so if or more likely when I leave for Virginia, he won't be paying a lot of money to break a lease.
We are going to start the marriage program again next week and have agreed to not talk about anything else for the rest of this week.
He is going to start moving his clothes to his new place this weekend when he gets the keys on Friday.
I have absolutely no idea why the change of heart as it relates to the program, but we'll see what happens. I decided to not even ask him why he wants to try it now. But I'm really not holding my breathe. I'm not even sure what I want anymore but I did make a pretty big stink about doing the program. My true hope is that we'll at least be able to figure some things out about ourselves and get along better. That's the most important thing for our son.
I am going to continue to move forward with moving back to Virginia.

In terms of OW....of course you think about her. She's this idiot in his ear promising him a more simple and relaxed life....one without a failed marriage, that he had a big part in screwing up, one without the responsiblities of a family to care for, no failed business, again mostly his fault. You and your S represent "real life" for him and he apparently sucks at real life, this other idiot, this OW is a representation of the "something" he thinks he wants, which is little to no responsibility.

So my advice: MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE, but only you has to know you haven't shut the door on H entirely. I know you've gotten some 2X4's here for still wanting to see what could happen with your H. While part of me can say you and I are both stupid, another part of me truly understands the hope. Even MWD wrote many people report even stronger marriages after working through issues that almost ended the marriage. That's not a quote but it is the exact idea.

The good news is this: You are better than OW on every level. You are strong. Look what you've lived through. You are a mother, which is an amazing accomplishment. You are taking care of business as he seems to have no idea where his own head is and seemingly even more confused about where his a$$ is. To the best of my knowledge you have never gotten in the middle of a marriage or messed with another married person. You keep your head high. You ignore her. You ignore her existence. She will become irrelevant sooner than later. And most importantly, realize this: He will regret this. Not you. There will be a day when he comes back to you and begs for you to at least forgive him and most likely wants you to take him back. That's when you'll have decisions to make mdoodles.
I agree with other posters, right now your H is making some really stupid decisions.....but I will keep hope with you, he'll figure that out sooner than later, before it's too late and you really move on, close the door here and find happiness without him.

Hang on mdoodles. More bumps ahead, but you can handle all of this. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Make some decisions on what you want, tell you H, don't be secretive like he's been and let him know, YOU are in charge of YOUR life, not him.

You just keep your head high. You can say this, which I love to say all the time "My heart and my a$$ have always been exactly where they were supposed to be. I have my dignity and my self respect because of this."
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 05:32 PM
Mdoodles, I spent almost 10 years financially dependant on my H. So I know exactly what I am say when I say Who cares what he does. You cant count on him, hes proven that. Now you have to figure out what you will do without him.

It is a struggle. But you gotta go what you gotta do. I have been working my butt off for the last year and a half to get to a place where I am financially independant, I went from being a full time student to putting in applications to everyone that would take them. You can get help with daycare, and assistance finding a job from almost every state, Im sure that NY isnt different.

Im not saying that you get ready to be D, I am saying that you need to be prepared for that IF scenario.

I think that now you need to be really gearing yourself up for what your going to do without him, and not waste time and energy with worry about what hes going to do.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 05:38 PM
im doing my best to prepare myself.

really, i know i will be ok. financially and emotionally.

im doing my best to realize that he isnt the person that he once was.

im even ok knowing that he is so ambivalent about what he is doing, that truly, this has nothing to do with me.

it just hurts.

but i know i will be ok. him, not so sure about!
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 05:59 PM
Hes not going to be ok. He is going to spend a long long time recovering from what hes done.

You, on the other hand, have worn yourself thin trying to save your marriage. You tried everything you could think of, even some things that seemed counterintuitive. He is the one who is going to have to stutter and search for the right words while he explains to his next partner what happened, while you will be able to sleep in peace knowing that you are truly committed to M. And Im sure that you have learned more than one thing about yourself and M through this.

Keep waiting, dont let him make you sign anything that you dont want to, or arent ready to. Let him see you become a strong independant woman, and when he comes crawling back with his tail between his legs, it will be interesting to see if you even want him anymore.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 06:02 PM
i will not sign or agree to anything so fast! and he knows it.

i may seem easy going, may seem passive, may put up with alot, but signing away my rights as his wife, agreeing to terms of a legal split, is something i just dont do easily.

he tried last year with mediation. i said that was not for me and canceled our appts!

i have no intention of even responding to the letter. its not a legal document. i simply placed it in a drawer.

believe me, he stutters right now, he is still stuck in his lies to the ow. he has based their entire existence on lies.

and yes, i can sleep in peace.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 07:57 PM
Look you can fight this out for as long as you need to. You can say no more whenever YOU want. This is a decision only you can make......
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 08:12 PM
its a decision i think i will never really fully reach. it will have to forced on me and i will learn to live with it and accept it.

the good news is that i spoke to our acct, he has no clue we may be splitting, so he is honest and informative with me about the business and stuff. he went over what he needs from h regarding the business, also told me he will be looking to show a loss for my parents (which is great since they funded the store, he will help them for tax time next year)...im glad to know he is a legit guy and isnt hiding things.

he asked me to tell h to call him since i will see him tonight...lol, he has no clue that he isnt here. i just said, sure.

i have not spoken to him today. if he calls, i do not plan on answering, i will let my son answer today.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 08:28 PM
Good for you!
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 08:28 PM
I'll look up some stupid cheesy jokes to cheer you up with! A stupid smile is still a smile.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 08:33 PM
thanks...he just called, i clicked the phone on and handed it to my son. not sure why im choosing not to talk today...truth is, it probably doesnt matter either way.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/18/09 11:22 PM
just got a hang up on my cell phone - private caller - and then a minute later a hang up on my home phone - private caller -- gee, i wonder who it is....must be trouble in paradise lol
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/19/09 11:56 AM
Um, I think it's the idiot.
Here's stupid one for you:
where does virgin wool come from?
ugly sheep!
here are some more for a giggle!
http://tinyurl.com/ndjcu9
stay strong!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/19/09 12:12 PM
thanks for the laugh, could use it...

how are u doing? anything new?

i wonder why she was calling last night...as upset as we get about the ow, i bet that they think about us, their lover's spouse, as much as we dwell on them.

it must kill her to know that he cant ever fully remove me from his life. or maybe, just maybe, my words resonate with her (if our language barrier didnt get in the way) and perhaps she might even wonder if she should believe me...

as for h, im wondering if he is job hunting. i havent asked since monday, but i will ask this weekend. i would bet anything (no pun intended), that he is in atlantic city with whatever money he has...

did i ever mention that i paged him at a casino last summer because i saw on our bank account his was withdrawing in the casino when he didnt tell me he was there? it was classic when he got on the phone....
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/19/09 12:45 PM
No, you did not tell that story here! Hysterical!
My H and I love to gamble too. But we don't go without the other or the other one's knowledge.
As part of the deal to do the marriage program I told H I was very happy to continue to ML. We've never had a problem in that department! LOL!! Well, yesterday, he didn't call or text me once....not once. No biggie. But when he got home and tried to initiate ML, I declined. I said why and explained it was a respect issue. He took it well.
He picks up his keys for his new place today. I hope this distance will help us. I also hope he hates living alone. He's big about having people around.
Where is the idiot from? I guess in more general terms, Asia or South America?
Did you check out the url for the jokes?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/19/09 02:13 PM
she is here from poland, and im convinced she wants to marry my husband for her citizenship.

the jokes were funny, thanks for the laugh.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/19/09 02:23 PM
Did you understand them?
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/19/09 02:24 PM
And yes, she wants her green card and he's the meal ticket for it!
Maybe the next time she calls, you should tell her you plan to take a very very long time for this all to finalize.....double check her status in the country!
LOL!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/19/09 02:36 PM
working on it...i really dont plan on ever talking to her again....i have nothing left to say, and she doesnt believe me anyway....
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/19/09 02:40 PM
didn't you say she posted a pic of her and him on Facebook? Do you have a page? Or are you just avoiding it?
I have a FB page now, but I took it down for a long while as I was dealing with the height of H's stupid-ness.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/19/09 02:53 PM
i do have one, but i keep it completely private so she cant find me....for a while i was not private, and she went wild i believe because my picture was of my family....that when she started putting up pictures of her and him. he hates having his picture anywhere so im sure it pissed him off. he has told me she is crazy and cant be spoken to.

i know in the past, through my friends, she had been posting pictures and changing date stamps on them to make me think he was with her at such and such times. i also know that he had her take the pictures down, but she doesnt listen for long.

i did change my picture because i know he doesnt like to on there, i respected it (although i will be honest, i played the game for a while and put up our wedding picture kissing, couldnt help it!)

i do not ever ever ever look at her. my friends check now and then in case i need to be alerted of anything. his picture was down while he was home, leading me to believe they really did break up.

honestly, she can post whatever she wants. it cant hurt me, especially when i dont even look.

she is a child. she is what? 22 now? not that im so old at 31, but im dealing with a child.

im on alert for her to call me again though...
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/19/09 05:14 PM
she will call again
answer.
see what she has to say.
make it clear she is not that important to you and she shouldn't be counting on you to make her life easier or more difficult because your feelings for her are apathetic at best. make it clear she's not very special to you or to your h.
what did you think of my silly jokes link?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/19/09 07:41 PM
i have decided to no longer get the mail. it was never my thing to bring in the mail anyway lol....nothing good ever comes in the mail. nothing.

first that ridiculus letter from the attorney the other day that now resides in the kitchen junk drawer....

now, i receive 3 letters telling me my house will be sold at auction July 27, all while my real estate attorney said they didnt have a date scheduled, and we submitted a short sale agreement to avoid foreclosure.

its not foreclosure i am afraid of, its the preparation to move. im not ready to go july 27.

im hoping this is just one of those cross mail things, that it went out before they spoke to my attorney.

how about some good mail? like a check? a gift? an invitation to a nice party?

and get this - i was supposed to receive a check from my health insurance reimbursing me for my gym membership...dont u think they sent it in my husband's name, he got it before me and cashed it, not even realizing it was for me?

i hate the mail. period.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/19/09 08:29 PM
LOL
Yeah let it go. Let it all pile up!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/19/09 09:07 PM
i really make myself laugh. i guess thats a good thing.

i may remove the mailbox, i mean, who says we MUST have one? lol.

h just called, he seemed rather down, i didnt ask of course. just said, whats doing and put my son on the phone.

after he calls i always feel worse.

sometimes i think i want him back because its simply easier. does that make sense?

its easier to want him than deal with the emotions of losing him and letting go.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/19/09 11:54 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


sometimes i think i want him back because its simply easier. does that make sense?



Absolutely!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/20/09 09:12 PM
ok, my parents are going to make me crazy, crazier than i already am...

there is a reason i did not tell them for so very long what was going on, because i did not want to deal with this!

its one thing when i have what to say about h, its another to hear it from someone else, let alone my parents. and i have to say, i havent even badmouthed him to my parents. ever.

met my dad for lunch today, he was busy creating theories about how h must be working and not telling us and how my father will figure it out etc. i was like, he isnt that conniving. so my dad was like, oh yeah right...etc.

i took my son to pick out a father's day gift. i used a gift card i had to a dept store, it didnt cost me anything. i feel it is important to teach my son the way to treat people, he deserves to get his father a gift.

so my dad was like, oh, that is kind of u. i was like, its his father, son deserves to be taught how to treat people.

dont get me wrong - my parents mean well, they are the best parents there are. but them putting h down doesnt help me.

my mother is also busy getting angry at h and expressing it to me. doesnt help me. makes me not want to talk to them.

i called to ask her a question about a job i was looking at, im just starting to dust off my resume and look at potential jobs for the fall.

my mother goes into a whole thing about how i should go back to school, be a teacher, choose a career etc.

i was like, i dont want to be a teacher, i dont want to go back to school....then i said, please, one day at a time!

sorry for the long post, just venting.

on a positive note, i finally sold my son's train table! so excited that i listed it online and sold it! im going to see what else i can sell. i explained to my son that we can sell what he doesnt use and buy him new furniture. he was happy with that.
Posted By: Kimmie Lee Re: he was back, i think - 06/21/09 01:41 AM
mdoodles, you have been through hell, and I was wondering how would you feel if you were in your folks' shoes?

you will always be their kid and they do mean well.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/21/09 06:54 PM
puppy, PLEASE tell me exactly what to do for a complete 180, if u have the time to really lay it out for me.

i feel like i need to be spoken to like a child, really spell it out for me.

i still want him back, in the worst way, but i think i need to complete detach, completely opposite of everything i have ever done.

but, i need to still seem nice, not cold, and i dont want it to seem like im looking for revenge of any kind.

i want him to feel, truly feel, that i have let go. but i just dont know how to do it, probably because i never let myself.

do i pack his things, or is it harsh? will he react one way first and then another?

how will he notice my changes if he isnt even home?

will the changes even matter to him?

thanks for your help, im sure its tiresome, when i should already know what to do.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/22/09 02:14 AM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


but, i need to still seem nice, not cold, and i dont want it to seem like im looking for revenge of any kind.


Doodles, this tells me that you're not really ready for this. When you're ready to not give a hoot one way or another just WHAT it seems to him, then you'll be ready.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/22/09 11:15 AM
you are right, im not really ready. but i dont know that i will ever be.

how do i make myself ready? how do i make myself feel one way when i really do want him back?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/22/09 01:00 PM
We used to have a wise DBer on the old SSM board, who used to say "Sometimes you're just not ready. And then you are."

You'll know.

Puppy
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/22/09 01:31 PM
You need a mailbox by federal law. $2000 penalty for not having one and no one but the us postal service can touch your mailbox. So no dice there.

180's are simple to figure out in terms of what they are. They are much much harder to execute.

If you are the one who starts every conversation...stop. If you are the one who calls....stop. If you are the one who does things for him, like gets the card and gift for his parents and family for special events, stop.

But if you are the one who pays the bills, you have to keep doing that. If you are the one who figures out the logistics for your son, you have to keep doing that for your son.

But anything that benefits him, and only him you can stop doing. He's saying he wants out and wants to live his own life, let him.

You live yours.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/22/09 02:23 PM
thanks guys. i am really really struggling. moreso than usual.

i think this crummy ny weather is depressing, my time of the month does not help my emotions either.

everything is making me cry. i hate crying. i dont even have the strength anymore to cry.

im trying to focus and cant. trying to think one step at a time, and cant seem to right now.

im waiting for these moments to just pass.

im not ready to let go, but i know i have to. but knowing and doing are 2 different things. i can let go for alittle and then i stop.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/22/09 02:36 PM
STOP!!!!!!!!
Here's the extra issue with you, which is not unique: OW and his life with her. It would kill me to be thinking the things you are probably thinking about.
With my H and his OW, she didn't want to hang out with him. The few times he saw her outside of work.....it was a work function with hundreds of people around, so it was like being at work. She just wanted to flirt with him at work and not much more. His ego is still smarting from that realizaion. Plus she went and found a boyfriend almost immediately after being dumped by her ex. And my H took that pretty hard too....I told him, she had the opportunity to pick you and it never even crossed her mind. He knows that too and is dealing with it much better I must admit.

But anyways--your situation SUCKS the big one. I feel for you so much. It's agonizing. But you will get through this and he will regret his decisions he's making now. You won't.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/22/09 04:32 PM
im attempting to redeem myself from my awful day yesterday. it was one of those days where u just cry, think irrational and cant seem to get out of it.

so today i went to the gym, updated my resume and already sent it out for a job in a local school district that would start in the fall. im thinking to lean towards schools for the hours and school vacations to coincide with my son. so we will see.

i also finally got through to the person i need to speak to about getting into this really nice apt complex. they run special pricing for unique situations and i certainly fall into that!

i cried my hardship and already filled out the form and faxed it back.

im getting there. minute by minute.

im trying to organize what i can in my life and while i do that, im not thinking as much about him.

i hate that i still want him back, im smart enough to see that i shouldnt, but my feelings arent there yet.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/22/09 06:32 PM
Stop fighting yourself here. You still have feelings for him. Stupid or not, you can't judge that and neither can anyone else. You just have to make sure you and your self respect are in tact when it's all said and done.
You fought for your marriage....when is that not a good thing?
You keep fighting for as long as you can and want to. Stop feeling bad that you are still committed to something worth fighting for. STOP. You are a good woman.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/22/09 07:29 PM
thanks, i appreciate your support. im a great woman, too good for him! i know it and he knows it.

u must read the book Split, by Suzanne Finnemore. it is a chronicle of her divorce, its hysterical, yet makes alot of great points.

anyway, im doing better than yesterday, i see i will be ok but at the same time, im fighting for him still.

he doesnt deserve me fighting for him. he just doesnt.

but i am. maybe over time i wont be, like puppy said, i will know when i dont care anymore.

right now, i still do, but i do have the moments when i feel as though im close to simply moving on, without him.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/22/09 10:09 PM
ok, finally spoke with my attorney. he said i can certainly do nothing with this odd letter i received.

he told me my situation is odd to say the least, and we can continue to play things by ear.

that is what i will do.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/22/09 11:17 PM
Doodles,

I'm glad you got some legal advice -- that should give you some good peace of mind.

How are you feeling about things today? I hope you don't think I "blew you off" on your "180" question, but I just don't think you're ready yet. Although I do see you making progress.

I'll try to help in any way I can. I really am pulling for you.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/22/09 11:38 PM
thanks, i know u are...u are right, im not ready to let go completely. and if i thought i was and let go for a day or 2 or 3, i know i would revert right back.

im doing better today than yesterday. i have to chalk it up to a bad day and i know it will happen again. and again. maybe i will handle it better next time.

im proud of myself for pulling out the resume. i know im such a smart girl with such potential work-wise. but gosh - i was the happiest stay at home mom there was! i was not the type that didnt appreciate being home, i wasnt the type to find a sitter and leave my son home when he was little to do my own thing all of the time.

i loved and appreciated that i could be home. it hurts to think what he did to us financially. but oh well for now.

i spoke to him today, im better when i dont talk to him or see him, but that isnt so realistic. he sounds terrible and told me he isnt do so well either. who knows with him.
Posted By: stillloveshim Re: he was back, i think - 06/23/09 11:59 AM
[b]post deleted - PERSONAL CONTACT INFORMATION is NOT ALLOWED.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/23/09 03:12 PM
have i mentioned im done with the mail? i decided to bring it in today, only to see he didnt pay our income taxes in full.

im nauseous. im on hold with the state to cry my hardship and perhaps innocent spouse.

its not alot of money, im just really angry at all of this and dont want to be the one to bail him out.

i had no idea it wasnt paid in full. i put the taxes together, signed it and he took it and paid it. no mention of not paying in full.

i love the "half-truths", oh, sure i will go pay it. leaves out - not paying in full.
Posted By: karen43 Re: he was back, i think - 06/23/09 06:35 PM
I'm sorry to hear that. But it does kind of seem like your H isn't one that can be trusted with money. I mean just recently he cashed your reimbursement check without talking to you or asking you about that. I hope he doesn't have any further access to your funds or anything in the future? Karen
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/23/09 07:33 PM
the only thing i have left to protect is our 401k, and i am doing just that - protecting it.

once he finds a new job, i have to make sure im receiving money from it, but for now, he is unemployed.

im living day by day, tackling things as they come, doing my best to stay on top of what i can.

to him, im sure he felt like, no big deal, i will pay the remainder when they bill me.

from what i hear, people that were once responsible and then fall apart and stop paying things, see that nothing really "happens" to them, therefore they get more comfortable than you and i with letting some bills slide.

he can do what he wants with his personal credit cards, but this involved me, so im angry that i was not told that we did not pay in full.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/23/09 08:25 PM
im having a total set back. i hate this

everytime i talk to him i have a set back.

he isnt sticking to his usual predictable schedule and i dont like it.

he is coming friday. i was like, ok, i just need to know so i can make plans for son and me.

then i said, and sunday as usual?

and i got a bit of a run around answer.

cant be like this, i need to know a set schedule, like always.

im now conjuring up situations, like he is taking ow somewhere for the weekend, even though i know he has no money to be doing so, even though he has not one credit card.

or maybe even better, he has a job he has not told me of yet.

whatever he ends up doing will certainly involve work on weekends.

i dont like this.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/23/09 08:26 PM
Doodles,

There's no reason you can't insist upon a reasonable schedule. It takes two to meet.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/23/09 08:35 PM
i left him a message and asked him to call me back.

he called me and i told him i need a set schedule, that we always had one and now with him mixing up the days it is confusing and makes things complicated because i need to be able to make plans.

i told him i understand that it may change when he has a new job but for now i need to know.

he was fine, he said ok.

i think something is up.

it may be as simple as this - he has no job or structure to life and everyday is a weekend so to him, he doesnt need a schedule.

not good enough for me.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/23/09 08:38 PM
Good for you! I'm glad you stood up for yourself! whistle
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/23/09 08:52 PM
but did i? i still feel like even though i said it, it doesnt affect him.

do u think it does? he was fine but played it off like its no big deal.

i am taking my son to the mets game on thursday afternoon. it is something h usually does, he usually gets the tix.

our mutual friends are giving the tix to me. so my son just called h to tell him. i hope it makes him think. i hope he feels a pain in him, that our friends (its his friend from growing up), still talk to me and gave me the tix.

these are the friends we had plans with when h was home. and he knows they dont approve of what he has done.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/23/09 09:02 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
but did i? i still feel like even though i said it, it doesnt affect him.



Doodles, repeat after me slowly:

"NO . . . LONGER . . . MY . . . CONCERN."

You do it (establish the boundary) because IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. NOT to get any sort of reaction out of him.

The rest of your post just proves my point, I'm afraid. For god's sake, take your son to the baseball game BECAUSE IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO, not to see if it "affects (your husband)."

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/23/09 10:32 PM
i am taking him because i want to, because we will have fun, im the one that likes sports anyway, although im a yankees fan.

but yes, i do still want reaction out of him. not so much about the mets game, probably more about who was giving us the tix.

i am still focused on him. im doing better, but still focused on him, on the ow, and wondering if there is trouble in paradise.

i cant seem to help that. im trying, but not there yet.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/23/09 11:22 PM
Well, at least you're honest, I'll give you that. grin
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/23/09 11:28 PM
i am honest, that is one thing about me.

im not ashamed to say that i would still take him back and im still stuck in the triangle.

im also smart enough to know i shouldnt feel this way, although i cant totally manipulate my feelings.

i do well during the day, i tackle my tasks and do what i can to protect things and keep things in order.

but i am still going in circles, still thinking about him and the ow and wondering when it will all cave in.

im wondering what will happen next legally, will he pursue the separation/divorce any further.

i wish i didnt care about what he does, wish i didnt care that he is with that slime of a girl.

i wish she would leave him.

everyone tells me she will but telling me isnt enough.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 06/24/09 12:00 PM
She isn't going to leave him until she finds someone else more interested in being her meal ticket. So stop thinking about it.
It's a very simple equation: Work on you. Be the best you. Be the you that 10 million men would want to marry. As you are doing things to improve you and your life and therefore your son's life, H will notice.
That's the only way you are going to win this. Don't be crazy like her. Don't stoop to her level. She is a slim ball, there's nothing you can do but be the complete opposite.
You can do this.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/24/09 03:03 PM
thanks.

i hate when my head runs in circles. the thought-stopping works, to an extent.

i almost feel like my situation keeps reinventing itself, like the clock keeps being reset on it because things change so much.

im trying my best to feel that i can successfully let go. im trying.

but im just not there. i dont feel it.

i hear it, i see it but i dont feel it.

maybe i never will, or maybe its going to be a gradual thing.

i dont know.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 06/24/09 05:43 PM
So don't let go. Create a plan of action of how to work on you and the rest will just happen.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/24/09 05:48 PM
Originally Posted By: almostdonebut...
So don't let go. Create a plan of action of how to work on you and the rest will just happen.


I think she HAS to let go. "A" it works, and "B" it's healthy.

I think the trouble Doodles has is in understanding the difference between "giving up" and "letting go." They are NOT the same.

Puppy
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 06/24/09 06:45 PM
agreed
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/24/09 07:05 PM
i think i get the difference, i just need to feel it and be it.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/25/09 11:23 AM
i would like to wake up without this pain in my heart.

i would like to have a night where i dont have a nightmare about the ow and/or him.

i hate this, i really do.

and i bet, that even if i choose to fully let go, i will still feel this way.

i didnt talk to h yesterday, and im glad. i get anxiety in the last week when i see him calling and/or actually speak to him.

today is the mets game, should be fun, i havent been to the new citifield yet this year. i hear the food is great and costs a fortune, hoping the parking isnt too bad, although that costs a fortune too. it should be crime what they charge to park a car.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 06/25/09 03:20 PM
Alright sit down while you read this.
Understand EVERYONE here is here to help you and each other and themselves.
Now, here we go.
GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR A$$.
Now.
You have to stop this.
Have you read the last resort technique and the last last resort technique?
If no, then READ IT.
I think it's time for you to take control of the situation. You need to let H know you are serious and ready to do business. At this point, he's got complete control. It's not a game to him to not call you one day. It's nothing off of his nose. He is well aware he can come home at any time and you'll be there. Maybe with an attitude, but you'll be there.
So, do a 180. Let him know you are NOT waiting for him. Start to take steps to separate your life. Make it clear to him that you making a list of things you want for you and for your son so that you can make a life WITHOUT HIM..
Here's how I see it:
Your H right now has picked a psychotic woman over you. This woman has annoyed and harassed you. He still picks crazy, over you? Screw him and screw that.
SHUT HIM OUT.
You really need to embrace the cliche: If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you......
But something else for you to consider.....maybe you're too good for him. Maybe you deserve better. Maybe it's time to let this guy know what he's doing exactly and how badly he's about to screw up his life.....not yours, not S's, just his.
Do not look back at this time and think "God, why did I waste that time and energy on him?"
You need to start thinking about you. You need to get pissed here. You need to stop letting him have this control over you. Only YOU control you. You are making this choice....this choice to sit at home and be sick and sad. You are making this choice to give him control. You are making this choice to let this psycho polish lady in your head, in your kitchen and burn things. Kick them both out of your head and your life.
Mdoodles, make a new choice here. You need to pick you and go freaking do it.
You are not going to die. So why are you wasting your life, time and energy on any of this?
He's not coming back to you in this kind of shape. It's not sexy. You think you're hiding it from him by being up beat around him......not a chance. He knows.
Educate him on the new you. The strong you. The real you.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/25/09 03:29 PM
Amen!
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 06/25/09 03:58 PM
I completely agree but know that it takes time to get there. But mdoodles, almostdone is absolutey right. We are too good for these men and we spend so much time and energy on them that its crazy. I know you feel like he's all you want and I felt that way too, for 6 years. But its like what I told H when he asked me if i love my new friend, and believe me there is no way I can entertain "love" in my life right now - I have to get over the lack of trust I have in men first. But anyway, I told H that I love ME!!!! And its true. when you get to the place where you feel that you no longer want their drama to dictate your life, its invigorating, you feel so much better/stronger. Get above the fray. Feel powerful. You control this, not him. Another thing I told H this week when he talked about what he will do to make us work, I asked him to do things to make himself happy, to get the life he wants and then I will decide if it fits in my life plan. And its true, we have the power here to decide if we will allow their crap to be a part of our life. I don't know where this mental 180 came for me, but I think its once I decided to do the sep agreement things changed mentally for me and then I had the June deadline already in my head too. So mdoodles, I know it takes time but girl you have to take back control of this situation. Take back control of YOU. You decide if you will bring your H back into YOUR life, not he decides if he will mess up and then come back in. Good luck and time is a great healer.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 06/25/09 04:06 PM
Exactly. But I do believe this: If it's possible for his actions to get into your kitchen and start a fire, it's even MORE possible for you to take control of your own kitchen and extinguish that fire and start doing your own cookin'! Cook something you like, you want to eat. Be your own freakin' gourmet chef!
I have lots of support from people here and that's how I got here. Of course I love my H. Of course I want to save my marriage, but I'm at a point where I'm very ready to live life without him. I'm now concentrating on me. I'm concentrating on my son after that. Then work. I am taking all the steps I need to take to say in the future, should my marriage end in D: "I fought it to the end and did everything to save it."
And believe me, these last few weeks and esp. days, I've had people I've met here and one very good girlfriend in town with me, tell me "You've come this far. Why quit now? See it through." Because I wanted to end it, once and for all since I'm now at a point where I could walk away. BUT they are right. I have come this far. I have grown this much and I have to see this through to the end no matter what that may be, for me. Not H. For me.
I'm worth soooooo much there isn't even a number to place on that value it's so exponential.
No one has to be arrogant. We have to be proud of ourselves and know what we are worth.
Stop living in fear. Start living in the now and for you.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 06/25/09 05:09 PM
Almostdone is absolutely right. Nothing changed for me until I really turned away and was ready to walk. I hadnt given up, I just was tired of letting his BS hurt me. I took the papers and filled out the VIN numbers of all of our vehicles, corrected the community property that he had screwed up, and when I told him that they were ready, he said he didnt want to sign them.

And in March I burned them.

I just think that until you are really ready to let go and let him screw up on his own, you wont really project that and acting AS IF is only taking you so far.

If you need to keep holding on until the polish girls green card expires or she gets bored waiting then do that, I understand. But the more you let go, the better you will feel. I promise.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 06/25/09 05:11 PM
Almost done, hiphip hooray!!! I am so almost done too that its not even funny. And I do think that comes from realizing how much we're really worth. Our H's are the ones losing out on a great person. They are the ones who will be left with crazy OW. Mdoodles, we need to celebrate our worth here. We are the good women. Someone told me once I that shouldn't forget that I'm the jewel and its true. And the same goes for you. Your H is not the jewel and certainly OW who needs her papers is not the jewel, you are!!! I find that I was so caught up and focused on saving my M that I forgot to celebrate and focus on how great I am. Just the other day i realized that every morning I was waking up and the first thing I was say is "I hate my life." And that was awful. I have a good life and am extremely blessed. My H knows it too that's why he is so scared now of losing me. You are better off than you realize. Once the clouds pass, you'll realize that the sun was always there shining.

almostdone... I love the kitchen analogy!!!!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/25/09 09:11 PM
just got back from the game, so happy the sun is shining again in ny! its been weeks on end without sun...

thank you all for your support. i hear everything u are saying, i really do.

im doing the best i can, im starting to adjust to not texting him, emailing him, talking to him every morning or even throughout the day.

its an adjustment, its what im used to.

i so wanted to text him to say how nice citifield is, that we were having fun, but i didnt.

im trying here.

i realize everything he has done, i realize how i deserve better, i realize i shouldnt care about the psycho ow.

im not ready to proceed legally. and since im not fully ready, im not going to, because it would be a waste of my retainer.

i have everything in order, everything documented and protected, im in contact with my attorney.

but im not ready to make the leap.

maybe i will be soon, maybe all it will take is one more down day. i dont know.

other than that, im moving forward with my own life, trying to figure out where my son and i will live, trying to figure out how and where to enter the work force again.

i think this is made harder when i have been financially depended upon my husband for 10 years and a housewife for 6 years.

ive spent the last year trying to save our home from foreclosure and now i have to move.

ive had a year of attempting to put it all back on track - our marriage, our home, our way of life, and then -

husband came home and left again, our dream store happened and closed, our bank wouldnt let us modify our loan, we were forced into a short sale and i have to move.

its all very hard to process, im trying.

my therapist feels if u can have more hours that are positive in a day than negative, then u are doing ok.

so i must be on the right path.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 06/26/09 11:55 AM
Who do you have in the way of support? Do you have girlfriends you can text or call instead? Who are you socializing with?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/26/09 07:33 PM
i have plenty of support, plenty of friends.

on tuesday h told me he wanted to come today, in the afternoon.

i said, ok, i have plans during the day and will be home not before 3, but will be home.

i have not called him since then....i contemplated texting him or calling him earlier today to confirm when i would be home, but i didnt....sure enough, my cell rings at 2:50, calling me from my house, asking when i will be home.

im glad i was not home when he got here, he was early and i guess he expected i would be here waiting.

glad i wasnt.

honestly, i hate the anxiety i feel in seeing him now, i hate the knot in my stomach.

i hate how he can be all over me last week and turn cold the next day.

i do feel the need to fully detach, like u all say. i do.

im so getting there because i do not like the way i feel.

he looks miserable and is acting miserable.

he is a total kiljoy.

i truly wish i never had to see him again, to make this easier, but i know its not possible.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/26/09 09:56 PM
so i feel like i gained some confidence this afternoon.

i kept to myself, wasnt cold, but didnt go out of my way.

he kept coming in to where i was, i was nice, but kept to what i was doing.

and then he came to tell me he was leaving, he likes to do that for my reaction, or to get intimate contact with me, so this time when he said he was leaving, i was like, ok...and kept to what i was doing.

it felt good, i have to say.

he kept lingering, i must have thrown him off, he kept coming back into our room, where i was.

and again, said, ok, im going, and i said again,,,ok...

maybe i needed this boost in confidence, maybe i needed to feel like i didnt fall for it, didnt give in, to put me kinda in control on my emotions.

not sure if im making sense.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/26/09 10:01 PM
It sounds pretty good to me! GOOD JOB!! whistle

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/26/09 10:10 PM
really? u think so? thanks!!!!

im not going to lie, i liked his attention, his curiousity.

and im not going to lie, ive gotten pretty good at the casual i need to bend down and pick something up and ive perfected the way to stand when im doing something that i know drives him wild.

well he didnt get a piece today, he didnt get his cute little wife to tell him to stay today.

he can ponder it all while he drives back to psycho girl...

im feeling good, i have to say.

and perhaps this feeling good will help me move forward with some confidence, alittle bit everyday.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/26/09 10:34 PM
ok, so i ran out and guess who called my cell?

he was like, oh, i thought i would tell u which day im coming next, instead of sunday morning i was thinking to come monday.

so i said, um, just tell me what time because son is off now and i will see if that is ok.

we worked out for the afternoon.

now, the trick is me not to wonder where he will be sunday morning.

he told me he had some things to take care over the weekend.

i like to conjur up weekend trips, even though i know he isnt working and has little to no money.

but the truth is, he is with her anyway, so if they are away or not, i guess its no big difference.

i am proud of myself for not texting him after the call to make a comment about the weekend.

if i can get through this without saying something, it would be great for me.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 06/26/09 11:57 PM
Wow, good job doodles!

Maybe you should make that your weekend goal! Just keep your mouth shut for 72 hours, You can do it! When you feel like saying something, say it, but say it on here. That way you get it out, but you arent doing anything to set yourself back!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/27/09 12:16 AM
u are so right. i should set that goal for the weekend, it gives me something to strive for and perhaps keep my mind focused on not calling...

im really proud of myself for today, my actions have given me a boost of confidence.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/27/09 01:29 AM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


if i can get through this without saying something, it would be great for me.


Yes, it will be. grin
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/27/09 11:33 AM
the mornings are always the worst for me, although i have to say, im doing better today than i normally do.

i wish my son was still at the age of sitting in a stroller, i would be out walking right now!

i am a morning person, i need to find an activity for early in the morning to keep my mind busy. maybe i will work on packing or organizing.

i was reading an article in the paper today about adam and eve. did i ever mention my husband's middle name is adam and mine is eve?

i always found that interesting.

i have a birthday party today and a high school graduation party tonight.

enough to keep me busy. and hey, the sun is shining!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 12:09 AM
had an extremely busy day today, rather happy about it.

been out all day, had a birthday party early, then dropped my son at my parents house, met up with a childhood friend for a few hours and then went to a graduation party.

and with the sun shining, today felt good.

i see h called, most recently at 730, glad i was out...

i havent texted, emailed or called him. im doing well i would say.

oh, and i got a manicure.

tomorrow is another busy day, a birthday party and a wedding, only going to the ceremony...

there is must truth in that keeping busy keeps your mind off things...
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 12:33 AM
Atta girl, doodles!!!

I think you're really going to do it this time!!

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 12:43 AM
thanks for your support! i sure hope so...

im restraining myself right now from calling him back or texting him that i missed his call.

i so want to, knowing ow may see it when she searched his phone, but im not going to do it. not necessary.

i wish the sun would keep shining here, things are so much better when its not gloomy outside, the weather has been so so horrible...
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 01:31 AM
I think you can mix it up on the no-contact. Nothing wrong with OCCASIONALLY calling him back, and letting him know what a GREAT, BUSY DAY YOU HAD!!! hahahah
Posted By: Yoyowife Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 03:21 AM
Hi MD,
Way to go getting out and having fun. I don't know if you are Kelli Pickler fan, but this song says it all to a cheating H or BF. I can't help but believe these lyrics will become their lives. Just keep on being the best you can be. Sounds like he's doing a bang-up job of ruining his life.

Best Days Of Your Life lyrics

Songwriters: Pickler, Kellie; Swift, Taylor Alison;

'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind
From the day we met till you were making me cry
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

Ain't it a shame
A shame that every time you hear my name
Brought up in a casual conversation
You can't think straight?

And ain't it sad
You can't forget about what we had
Take a look at her and do you like what you see
Or do you wish it was me?

I'll be there in the back of your mind
From the day we met to the very last night
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

And does she know
Know about the times you used to hold me
Wrapped me in your arms and how you told me
I'd be the only one?

I heard about
Yeah, someone told me once when you were out
She went a little crazy, ran her mouth about me
Ain't jealousy funny?

'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind
From the day we met to the very last night
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days
The best days of your

Life with me was a fairytale love
I was head over heels till you threw away us
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

I heard you're gonna get married, have a nice little family
Live out my dreams with someone new
But I've been told that a cheater is always a cheater
So I've got my pride and she's got you

'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind
From the day we met till you were making me cry
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

Of your life, oh, oh yeah
You're gonna think of me
You're gonna think of me in your life
Oh, oh yeah

It's a shame, it's a shame
It's a shame, it's a shame
It's a shame, it's a shame
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 05:25 AM
I think that if the OW does check his phone, she will see that HE called YOU!!! And if you keep him wondering what your up to, he will probably do it again! Isnt that much better than seeing you called on his call history? hehe.

I think that if you just let yourself have a day off from all of this drama you will have accomplished a lot for yourself!

Good job today!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 11:40 AM
thanks everyone.

that song looks great, i remember kelly pickley from idol...

u are right bluerain, let her see he called me..although he would say it was to call his son.

at this point i think she is still trying to believe him about everything, but obviously doesnt since i know she checks his phone all of the time, for a year now, since she really found out i was still around in some form.

another somewhat busy today for me today, although the early mornings are the worst for me. once i get through these early house, i am ok.
Posted By: karen43 Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 03:46 PM
I think that's a good idea to do GALing in the mornings. Your son is 5; I used to push my kids in jogging strollers until I think they were 6 or so, but anyway until they got old enough they could come with me. You go a little slower, but it's good for them too. Just reading a good book could be GALing. But I think any exercise would be good. I used to do workout DVDs when the kids were younger too, like taebo or whatever. Mom's morning out maybe once a week if you find a good place? Check your local paper or the internet for fun ideas. My local paper has a page or 2 each week with upcoming activities and classes. Many are free or low-cost too. Karen
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 06:39 PM
thanks. i took my son to the gym with me yesterday morning but they dont have it on sundays...he is too big to push in the stroller any longer, i did it last summer and it was really really hard, especially in my neighborhood, rather hilly!

went to a kids party this morning and just got back from the wedding ceremony....i plan on running a few errands this afternoon to keep us busy and hoping the sun will continue to shine here, would love to go to the beach tomorrow.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 10:25 PM
h just called. i always feel bad when he calls.

because then i wonder, what is he doing, what was he doing, where is he going, i hear he is in his car etc...

i hate this, i really do. i know we all hate these situations we are in...

but i did accomplish my goal of not questioning the weekend and not calling or texting.

i guess that is a good thing for me.
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 10:36 PM
mdoodles, there is a difference in your sitch and mine in that my H does not move in and out of our home. He has stayed away permanently although he has got me sucked back in along the way by the continual warm, warmer, back to cold approach. I wonder if you are at the stage of really having to draw a line in the sand and telling him that this coming back and forth has to stop especially for your son. It must be confusing for him.
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 10:38 PM
and so painful for you, having your heart dragged around........
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 10:43 PM
well, we are at the point now where he left, went back to psycho ow and had claimed we were done, about a month ago.

of course things have softened, nothing discussed relationship wise since.

there is no line to draw in the sand right now.

if he was looking to come back, i would have boundaries to set, but he has made no mention of it now.

we are really at a crossroads. things cant continue this way and yet, i cannot move forward legally to end it, i just cant.

i want ow to go away, to see he isnt almost divorced, nowhere close.

i know just because she leaves, doesnt mean he will be back, but it would certainly make me feel better.
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 10:45 PM
I'm hearing you on that point. The day ow goes away will be party day for all our family!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 11:07 PM
i try not to think about her, not to focus on her.

sometimes i am good at it, sometimes not so good.

my friends tell me her days are numbered. i hope they are right.

if he isnt with me, let him meet someone else, but not her.

not the one he left for, not the one that has harassed me and said mean awful things.

and yes, i know, who cares if she gets him, he isnt the man i married, he isnt a prize now.

it all sounds nice, all sounds caring, but we all know it doesnt make it easier.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 11:15 PM
i always thought that because our middle names were adam and eve, that we were meant to be.

maybe it sounds corny, but i found it so odd and amazing that our middle names went together like that.
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: he was back, i think - 06/28/09 11:36 PM
When I think about ow I actually feel sorry for her because I know that she is not getting the best of H. He can't be here at our house and being a friend to me and at the same time be in a true relationship with her. She is not part of his children's life or his parent's life. It's taken me a long time to realise that.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/29/09 11:45 AM
u are so right, i always think about that. and guess what? so does ow, she knows what she isnt a part of.

i have reminded her of these things as well.

the sun is out, going to the gym this morning and hoping to take my son to the beach and then h will be home.

camp is only 3 days a week so i am looking to keep us busy on the off days.

im not much of a homebody, like to keep busy. even though we have a nice size backyard and swingset, i like to be out and about, not home more than i have to be.

im wondering where and when h will get a job. im giving it 2 more weeks before i start thinking does he have one off the books and isnt saying.

i like to think of course not, but hey, cant be naive anymore.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 06/29/09 12:21 PM
why don't you just ask him what his work plans are?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/29/09 12:33 PM
i have asked him. a world known place here in ny is a strong possibility, h is friends with the owner, but he can be flighty. i think he is waiting to hear back from him.

otherwise, there arent many options in his field, i dont think he has much planned.

i think he is all over the place in terms of where he wants to work, where he wants to be located.

this wasnt planned this way, he was supposed to be owning a business. its all alittle overwelming.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 06/29/09 04:36 PM
then give him some time and let it all play out.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/29/09 10:57 PM
the beach was awesome today! son and i had a great relaxing time.

its nice now that he is older, i dont have to worry about him wandering off, exploring things. its really nice to hang out with him.

its funny how little kids u fear will plunge into the ocean, because they are fearless. now i have to convince my son it is ok to put his feet in!

anyway, when i pulled up to the house i saw h was already home, how nice of him to let himself in...

nothing too new to report, same nonsense.

i took a shower and hung out, the sun always tires me. h sat with me watching tv in our room. he goes out of his way to hang with me, i was nice, although did not discuss much of anything.

he took son out and called me to see if what son wanted to bring in for dinner was ok with me (as if it ever mattered?lol)

when he went to leave, i did the same as last week, just a simple ok, bye!

im doing well. could be doing better, but it is baby steps for me.

the best thing for me, and anyone, is to get out of the house, keep busy as much as possible.

i did really well with that, kept our schedule packed for 3 solid days....even late yesterday afternoon, did food shopping at a speciality market 20 minutes away, just to get out.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 12:19 AM
Just stay busy, doodles. Stay busy.

Puppy
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 09:03 AM
Good for you! It sounds like you are keeping busy and letting him know that his moving back out hasn't shut your life down and left you miserable. Keep up those busy schedules!!

Cas
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 11:19 AM
thanks, im trying. trying to keep busy, schedule things, pack the house, find where to live and perhaps even a part time job.

im doing all of that, but im also not letting go of h. i decided its not that i dont know how, its that i DONT WANT TO.

maybe at some point, i will. maybe being busy, getting out, moving forward with new things in life will change it.

i know when i talk to my therapist today she is not going to be pleased.

but truthfully, no one can tell me what to do, no one can shut my feelings off for me.

was i wrong to be intimate with h yesterday? maybe. who knows.

im trying with baby steps to detach. its a slow process, but im succeeding in certain areas of it.

im adjusting to not talking to him in the morning, im adjusting to not texting him. maybe its all an adjustment.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 01:58 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


was i wrong to be intimate with h yesterday? maybe. who knows.


WHOA, WHOA, WHOA . . . . WHAT?????

I missed that part??? You two ML yesterday??????
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 03:06 PM
no, i did not go that far, told him i wouldnt...
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 03:56 PM
Then color me confused.

In any event, you are RIGHT to not do that while so desperately trying to DETACH. It would only pull you back in, emotionally, and show him that you're weak.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 06:05 PM
spoke to my therapist, she is totally on my case. i told her its not that i cant let go, just dont want to.

the things that i need to do to fully let go and begin that process for real, im not ready to do because i dont want to.

i am hoping my baby steps will lead me to total detachment.

i cant make myself feel a certain way so fast, even though she said it may feel unnatural.

just not there yet.

im glad i said no to him yesterday, maybe that will give me strength...
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 06:15 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
spoke to my therapist, she is totally on my case. i told her its not that i cant let go, just dont want to.

the things that i need to do to fully let go and begin that process for real, im not ready to do because i dont want to.


Let me ask you this, Doodles: Do you want to want to? confused
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 06:47 PM
interesting question....

yes, i want to, because if i was an outside looking in, i would see this situation is not healthy and may never be ok.

and no, i dont want to, because i still love him very much and want my family together and believe we still have enough of a connection that could one day help us recover.

so the answer is yes and no.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 07:42 PM
Because I think it's OK if you honestly say you feel what's holding you back is that you don't want to let go.

I don't, however, think it's healthy if you don't WANT to want to, and I think THAT is where you're going to have to focus your efforts on.

It's like a porn addiction. I can give it up, or I can not WANT to give it up. But if I don't even WANT to want to give it up, then I have a problem.

Does that make any sense??

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 08:41 PM
i think it makes sense. i think.

its good to start to realize why i cant let go?, is that what u are saying?

its important to realize that its not that i cant, its that i dont want to? is that what we are getting at?

i think i do want to let go, i understand why i should want to, i think im taking little steps to let go, without really letting go completely...because in the end, i dont want to.

to me, the letting go means moving on and not ever wanting him back. that is what everyone tells me i should be doing.

but i know that u feel we can let go, but still leave the door slightly opened. i dont know yet how to do that.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 09:15 PM
No, what I'm getting at is that before you can ever let go, you have to WANT to let go, and if you find you don't (at least not yet), then you have at least WANT to want to.

Puppy
Posted By: kat727 Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 09:25 PM
You will know when you are ready. Sometimes I would get a book regarding my situation. I could read it and for whatever reason it just didn't sink in. I would wait a month or so, pick up the book again and now it made sense. You can have the best advice given to, but until you are ready, you want have a clue on how to proceed.

I am not familiar with your situation but notice that you post quite a bit. What you need to focus on is you. Become the best you that you know how to be. If that means taking classes or picking up a hobby or just starting to go out with friends do it. You do this as a gift to yourself now but later it will be helpful for your current realtionship or your next. Then you can drop the rope and you won't need to be asking how to drop it. It is liberating. (oh and FYI, that doesn't equate to giving up). It is peace for you.

kat
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 09:47 PM
mdoodles, you know my sitch too well and I know yours and I can tell you like kat said, it takes time and we all progress at our own pace. But strange enough you get there. I know my sitch is unresolved and I'm thinking that this whole db or none-db thing is probably a process rather than an achievement. Meaning is not that we are reaching to get something but that its always work n progress. With time you will get there. Really try to occupy yourself and you will get there quicker. Work on developing what you want your life to be life no matter who is a part of it. That's whtI'm trying.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 06/30/09 11:24 PM
thanks everyone. i have been doing more things, scheduling more thing, getting out more and getting together with friends more...my friend actually just left, i invited her with her baby for dinner, her husband travels alot for work so we agreed to do our dinner weekly.

and it is true that the busier u are, the better all around.

this is a process and i have many setbacks.

im juggling so many things that sometimes it feels like our actual marriage is on the backburner due to the financial problems with the house, the store, his lack of a job and his debt.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 03:03 AM
ok, so i was sleeping, my phone keeps ringing, i see its private, calling my cell and home. i know its her.

i called my mil, too make sure it wasnt her, it was not.

while i was on the phone with her, phone ringing more.

then h calls, i answer. he seemed ok and then tells me he is getting messages from me every 10 minutes on his cell phone through yahoo? and i should stop?

i was like, what are u talking about? i was sleeping, i have no idea what u mean.

he said, then if its your friends tell them to stop, i see its from your number etc.

THAT PSYCHO IS IMPERSONATING MY PHONE NUMBER!

i cant even deal with this, i could so call the police for using my phone number false pretenses
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 03:16 AM
i googled it, u can make your number look like someone elses, or send messages from a computer with someone elses number.

im sick. i didnt do anything.

ok, so i should be "happy" that clearly they are in trouble if she is resorting to doing this.

but im not happy, she is playing games and using me and my phone number.

h called my mil, he mentioned the messages to her, and she told him it was not me, that we were on the phone together and that it must be the crazy ow.

i hate this. i never did anything to anyone.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 03:51 AM
Mdoodles...
Just finshed readingup on your stitch. My only advise for you is to keep doing what you are doing. It seems to me that the things that you have been doing is working. Your busy, your focused on you, your focused on what you and your son need, your looking towards the future in ways of a new place to live and a job. You are doing everything right. Keep it up. As for your H and the OW, it seems to me that even though you are stilling dealing with it all that it has taken a 'backburner' to everything else that you are dealing with. Maybe that is the best for you at this time. You are not exactly letting go as much as you might be letting loose of it all. I know exactly where you are coming from about not wanting to let go. I have not been able to let go either of my stitch but I have been letting loose of certain things. Keep doing what you are doing. It is working.

P.S. About the calls....you can always see if it is on your phone bill that you did not make those calls if it really comes down to having to prove it to him that it was not you.
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 05:19 AM
You are right - you do not deserve this harassment and impersonation from this crazy woman. Ideally, she should be found in violation of some law and deported (to Antarctica). She kind of reminds me of Glenn Close in the movie "Fatal Attraction".

If she keeps it up, I am sure there are ways to trace it back to her computer.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 10:53 AM
oh, i am so ready to have to traced to her computer, or her friend's computers.

perhaps her behavior would warrant deportation, considering i think she is here illegally.

but u know what? why stoop to her level? the best thing i can do, as long as she doesnt start playing dirtier, is do nothing.

he has to know this wasnt me.

she knows it wasnt me.

clearly they are falling apart and she is doing things to get him angry with me to get rid of me
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 12:31 PM
i called my cell phone provider. they said people are "spoofing" phone numbers, nothing i can really do except consider harassment.

then it showed that someone removed her cell phone from my blocked list.

i didnt do that! so they investigated it, cant show how it happened.

im convinced she had something to do with it.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 01:03 PM
Blow it off, Doodles. This whacko isn't worth the time and mental energy you're giving her. She's only trying to get a reaction out of the both of you.

Lock up your bunnies, but other than that . . . wink

Puppy
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 01:58 PM
dooodles, i completely agree with Pup. Don't let it get a rise out of you - that's what she wants. It wasn't you and let it be. Your H may or may not believe that it wasn't you b/c I remember when my H was deep in his fog, ow would call me and say I called her and h was confused. Didn't know who to believe. But you know what, the other night there he was telling me that he knows she lies alot. So please don't give her satisfaction. Try to not even dispute it with your H because is exactly what she wants for you two to fight over this.That's why she used your phone #.

But not stepping back, aren't these ow really good. They may not be good at having a real relationship, having morals, advancing themselves, but they sure are good at finding creative ways to make our lives hell and to carry on their madness. We gotta be "impressed" from the outside looking in.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 02:03 PM
oh totally impressed by her thinking and conniving ablities! but not so impressed by her putting things in writing - never put things in writing!!!

i am leaving it alone. i sent him an email link to the sites that show what she did, and thats it.

im sure i will hear from her today, i will not be answering private calls.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 02:10 PM
I was thinking that since we're so close in location and similar sitch that we need to maybe exchange ph #'s/email - in person moral support. What do you think? Is there a way to send private messages on the site so I can give you my info, I don't know how.

Hey, then maybe we could hook these ow up with each other and they can exchange trade secrets. Learn how to make our lives living hell even more. lmao

I like that you sent him the link and then leaving it alone. Why bother? It won't benefit you one bit.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 02:53 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


i am leaving it alone. i sent him an email link to the sites that show what she did, and thats it.


Um, that's not "leaving it alone."
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 03:47 PM
he is clueless as to how "spoofing" is done. so i simply emailed the links to the websites and thats it.

im not going to discuss it further. to me, its leaving it alone, but i did feel the need to point out that it can be done...

vicky, i do not know how to exchange personal information but it is a good idea!

im concerned that this girl got into my cell phone account through computers, the provider said they dont see how it was done, perhaps a system glich - i highly doubt it.

im going to keep record of these things and see what else transpires and will decide then if i will file a harassment suit.

wouldnt be too good for her status in this country, but right now im not going there.
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 05:14 PM
If she keeps up the harassment and she is truely illegal, you can always contact ICE at:

http://www.ice.gov/about/contact.htm

Operators are standing by.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 05:50 PM
hey, thanks... i have actually looked into ICE, thats so funny that u suggested it.

i do not plan on reporting her,,,,yet.

im keeping track of things in case i need to report, but right now, i am laying low.

let her flip out. let her bash me, let her and her friend's sit and plan and decide what they are going to do to "dethrone the queen"...
Posted By: Yoyowife Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 06:14 PM
Mdoodles,
Just remember to record dates and info. Document, document, document. I have a little daily calendar I keep in my purse to write things down in.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 06:19 PM
already done....thanks.

im big on documenting everything.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 07:40 PM
my husband called, i let my son answer the phone, i really had no interest in talking to him.

so of course he asked to speak with me....he was as nice and as soft spoken as could be, telling me he really doesnt understand what was going on last night, he was getting such weird messages from a computer with my number and doesnt know how it happened.

so i explained to him that it is called spoofing, that i googled it after being woken up.

i told him i will be changing my cell phone number and will let him know what it is.

he seemed surprised. so i explained to him, that while i do not wish to change the number i have had since i am 18, im not interested in being roped into this sh**.

i told him i spoke with my phone company and they confirmed what had occurred. i said that while i was upset last night, im fine because i know the truth and know i didnt have any involvement.

and thats that.

so like i said, let her keep flipping and scheming.

im staying calm and laying low with limited to no reaction.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 07:55 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
my husband called, i let my son answer the phone, i really had no interest in talking to him.

so of course he asked to speak with me....he was as nice and as soft spoken as could be, telling me he really doesnt understand what was going on last night, he was getting such weird messages from a computer with my number and doesnt know how it happened.

so i explained to him that it is called spoofing, that i googled it after being woken up.

i told him i will be changing my cell phone number and will let him know what it is.

he seemed surprised. so i explained to him, that while i do not wish to change the number i have had since i am 18, im not interested in being roped into this sh**.

i told him i spoke with my phone company and they confirmed what had occurred. i said that while i was upset last night, im fine because i know the truth and know i didnt have any involvement.

and thats that.

so like i said, let her keep flipping and scheming.

im staying calm and laying low with limited to no reaction.


EXCELLENT!!! whistle
Posted By: kissak Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 08:25 PM
She might have gotten your phone number from his phone when he werent looking or from his phone bill if she has access to them.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 08:31 PM
mdoodles, good handling things with your H. No reaction was great!!!!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 08:57 PM
kissak, she DEFINITELY got my cell phone number from his phone, last year...

yeah, i do think i handled the call well.

im glad he really seemed to know it was not me.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/01/09 09:28 PM
do we think its weird that h called again? i do...

i answered, said whats up, talked about the weather and i said, i will put son on the phone...when son was done, he gave me the phone, i said, i guess son is done talking, ok bye.

i dont know why he called again. i decided he is weird.

my spirits have really been much better, but im afraid to say, that the calls from psycho ow brought me further back into the love triangle.

i have to pull myself out again.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/02/09 05:05 AM
Excellent way to handle yourself in that situation. You did great!! Try not to get roped back into the triangle. It is so hard to not get roped back into it. I say that from experience b/c that is what my H does to me. Always manages to rope me back in some how. It is simply a matter of how much we still care for the person. You have been doing great and I am really proud of you for the steps that you have taken on trying to detatch yourself and move in a positive direction!!!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/02/09 10:36 PM
im trying really hard. hard at what exactly, not even sure, but im trying!!!!

its better when i dont speak to him on the days i dont see him, i feel less anxiety and less stressed.

and i think without those tense feelings, i will begin to detach and move forward.

BUT i do talk to him. talking to him makes me wonder - what was he doing before he called, where is he when he calls, what will he do after etc.

i dont ask of course, just wonder.

he says he is coming tomorrow. i said, ok, but again, u need to tell me in advance as i have plans for tomorrow...

i told him (again) that going forward i need to know in advance, so we agreed on set days until he has a job.
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: he was back, i think - 07/03/09 01:20 AM
Think you've got the answers inside you.....keep taking the options which give you greater strength and peace. They are the steps on the road forward.
C
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/03/09 02:33 AM
Maybe you can try something totally off the wall and crazy every time you think about you H and/or the OW!?!?!

Pinch yourself!! LOL Maybe you'll get tired of pinching yourself so you will think about him less.

Just a silly suggestion in hopes that you can smile from it and have a better day!!

Keep at it girl, you are doing great by just trying!
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/03/09 08:03 PM
Wow, I wonder if he confronted her about it, and how she explained herself.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/03/09 09:54 PM
who knows....went to the beach today and then h was here.

i have been doing really well, until h just left now, and im sad.

im sure i will snap out of it.

no sooner did he leave, maybe 5 minutes later i got a private caller hang up.

i should be happy, psycho ow is totally grasping and feeling threatened.

my son was sad when his daddy left, he really doesnt know what is going on, he also thinks h is home at night when he is sleeping.

so he called h and they made a plan for h to go into son's room tonight and leave him a drink of water. i will make sure i do it for him.

at some point my son will need to be told something, but with us, i hate to say a thing until i absolutely have to.

last year, i had come so close to telling son something and then we decided to work on reconciling.

its just so hard, all around.

but, i must say, i have not texted h is almost 2 weeks, have not questioned anything. it really helps my mood not to do these things. and the longer i go without doing it, the easier it is.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/04/09 09:34 PM
I totally know what you are talking about. I would do fine until I had to talk to H about something, and then it would all hit home again.

I do not envy you having to explain this to your son, but maybe you dont have to do it just yet. And I really think that if you do have to tell him, it should be both of you.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/05/09 12:26 AM
I would hold off on telling your son anything until you are absolutly sureof what is going on in your lives. When my H and I was going through this last year it came rightdown to the wire and I finally told my kids because we were going to have to move and I felt the time was right. A week after I told them, my H asked for a reconciliation and I agreed. Then I had to explain it to the kids agian that we were going to stay together. It really confused them even though they were happy about it. Don't rush into saying anything unless you truely have to. It is better to have concrete understanding about where your lives are going first. I am sure that you already know all of this but I figureds I would say it anyway Have a good weekend and try to not think about them while you enjoy the fireworks with your son or whatever you have planned.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/05/09 12:38 AM
oh, i have no intention of telling my son! i know better...especially with the way things change with us, there is nothing to even say to him.

he is getting older, but atleast he is rather used to daddy not being here. even though he was home for a few months, he was working alot anyway, so now that he isnt here, my son kinda reverted back to the way it was before h was home and we opened the store.

i still havent even told him the store closed! no reason to if he hasnt asked....

anyway, kept us busy today. went to my parents this morning, they took him to the park and then we went to h's aunt's house where we go every year. swimming, lots of cousins and good food. had a good time.

this morning i decided to mix it up alittle and actually called h. didnt leave a message, figured he would see on the caller id i called....would u believe he actually called me back like 10 minutes later, not even?

he said, hey did u just call me? and i said, yes i did, just wanted to say hello...

he was rather surprised and was like, oh, ok hi!

i did not ask what he had planned today, did not tell him what i was up to either (although im sure he knew where i would be going)...

im glad i called, it was something different and he called back wihtout me even leaving a message...

hope everyone has a nice holiday.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/05/09 07:45 PM
the sun is still shining here, we have been having beautiful weather.

took my son to a friend's party today, which was nice because it was outdoors. im liking the sun, it really does wonders for my spirit.

not so great for my shingles though, it seems sun is a trigger for shingles pain to return. oh well.

just as i was walking in to the house, saw h was calling, i didnt answer. let him think im still out...
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/05/09 09:49 PM
Bravo doodles! Let him wonder!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/05/09 09:51 PM
oh my----so i was just out for dinner with my parents and my son...enjoying my meal by the way and i happened to check my cell phone and there was a text from psycho ow!!!!

i deleted it without looking at it, i dont care what she has to say or send me.

im on with my cell provider wondering why she got through, they are telling me she was blocked but she managed to get through.

i hate this. its one thing when im home to get this stuff, another when im out with people.

i havent called my husband yet. should i?
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/05/09 10:14 PM
I think that I would have forwarded it to him, with a short "look what just arrived in my inbox-..." I dont know if you should call him, I would probably text him, just tell him that she contacted you, but I dont know how to bring it up... Boy, Im not sure. Maybe you could return his call now, but not bring this most recent thing up, just to test the waters...

If you tried to tell him about it, how would he react, would he defend her?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/05/09 10:24 PM
well guess what? he beat me to it and called me...so weird considering he called earlier and i didnt return his call yet.

anyway, when he called, i told him i was out for dinner and started receiving messages on my phone.

he said, what did they say? i said, i didnt care to see what they said and deleted them, that the only thing that mattered was the number they were coming from. i told him i called the cell phone company to figure out how she got past the blocker and will need to decide if i should change my number.

then i said, i didnt even want to bother u with this sh** because sh** is what it is,,,,and i changed the subject to "so whats new? how was your day? and proceeded to tell him little things about our day involving our son...

i really dont care what the text said, more curious as to what is up with them...
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/05/09 10:44 PM
Well, I would assume that the messages from her and the calls from him certainly dont indicate that all is well in their R!

Lets get her deported.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/05/09 10:57 PM
lol....yeah, wouldnt that be nice...

i am finally at the mindset of they will self-destruct themselves, and deporting her wont help me.

she may be here illegally, may not be, not my business.

atleast not right now lol....im laying low.

its always better to lay low and remain the innocent party that way no one can blame me or hold me responsible for anything.

i dont need this. i have been working really really hard lately at keeping busy and doing fun things with my son and with friends.

i may not have detached or moved on, but i have been staying busy and enjoying myself...
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/06/09 03:47 AM
I think that you are doing the right thing for you and for your son.

Take it one day at a time. Deal with things as they come up and not the 'what if this or that happens'. The what if's is what gets me all down and depressed.

Glad to hear that you had a good weekend. Your H probably knew where you were at and that may have caused him to act differently around the OW so she probably thought that if she texted you then it would ruin your good time. You did the right thing by deleting it without looking. Even I would have had a very hard time not reading it. Kudoos to you for that!!!!

I admire your strength throughtout this and I am proud of your progress. Keep going...you're moving in a positive direction!!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/06/09 11:54 AM
its always pleasant to be reading the morning paper and spot your home, with your name listed, as a pending foreclosure.

its always nice to be eating your breakfast and drinking coffee to see your home will be sold at auction later this month.

UM, NOT SO NICE, NOT SO NICE!

my lawyer told me the short sale package we submitted to stop the foreclosure hasnt been accepted yet, so they will run the ads that the home will be sold at auction.

these banks are so hard to work with. we gave them a buyer with a decent offer and they cant just stop the foreclosure process?

what a mess. have i mentioned i do not know where i will be moving to, and the biggest problem is that h doesnt have a job yet?

what a big mess. to go from so much money to now nothing but my nice-sized 401k, its so hard to imagine that this is real.

the only thing i can control right now is the packing and organizing of the house.
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 07/06/09 06:29 PM
Mdoodles -

I am so sorry about the financial problems you face right now. I am hoping something positive comes your way soon.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/06/09 07:13 PM
Thanks, im hoping so too.

my attorney sent me a follow-up letter from h's attorney.

im assuming its routine for the attorney to send out the follow-up.

i have instructed my attorney not to respond to the letter since it is not a legal document.

i do not think my husband actually called his attorney to do the follow up on that letter. but who knows.

things are just too weird these days...
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 01:28 AM
Hi doodles, I cant imagine how that would feel. Did you ever get an answer about the cell phone block not working?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 11:34 AM
the phone company told me i needed to program an update into my phone, that its possible because my phone wasnt updated, the text was able to get through.

honestly, im not trusting the cell phone block, it seems to weird that she has gotten through when she shouldnt have.

one time, the block expired, one time it was turned off by a computer glich and now the update thing.

i dont trust it.

if it werent for not wanting to receive texts from her, i wouldnt even block her, im curious to see how often she tries to call. i just dont want to get messages...

im feeling down, and i havent felt down in a few weeks. i hope to snap out of it shortly.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 11:51 AM
i feel like i need to do something different, like another 180...

i have been doing really really well with the gal and taking care of myself and enjoying myself...

i stopped texting h, its been over 2 weeks.

i changed up my behaviors with him and he really took notice, but then i think he gets used to those behaviors and adjusts.

i mixed it up alittle this weekend and called him to say hi, rather than only let him do the calling.

i dont nag, push or question and hardly even made a situation out of psycho ow's latest behaviors.

what else can i do now? do i send a random text or keep that off limits? do i call him or just wait for him to call?

im looking for something alittle different for him to take notice of...all while he isnt living here. its hard when i dont see him for a few days to really get a 180 in.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 12:09 PM
Have you read in DR the last last resort?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 12:18 PM
yes, i have. that would do nothing for us....i know what works and doesnt work with him and im not particularly comfortable with that technique either.

i believe i even gave it in try in the winter but it made me too unhappy.

showing him absolutely no relationship between us would not be good right now. i think it did wonders when i said i wouldnt have sex with him but i would like to build on that.

some other kind of 180 or something different, something to mix it up. no idea what though.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 12:26 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
i feel like i need to do something different, like another 180...

i have been doing really really well with the gal and taking care of myself and enjoying myself...

i stopped texting h, its been over 2 weeks.

i changed up my behaviors with him and he really took notice, but then i think he gets used to those behaviors and adjusts.

i mixed it up alittle this weekend and called him to say hi, rather than only let him do the calling.

i dont nag, push or question and hardly even made a situation out of psycho ow's latest behaviors.

what else can i do now? do i send a random text or keep that off limits? do i call him or just wait for him to call?

im looking for something alittle different for him to take notice of...all while he isnt living here. its hard when i dont see him for a few days to really get a 180 in.


Doodles,

You're not gettin' it. The "180s" that DB recommends aren't for HIM, they're for YOU. If you're doing your GALs and 180s merely to get a response out of your husband (and it's clear from your posts that you are), then you're still not at all detached, and you're NOT DBing.

If we can sense it, trust me, so can he.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 12:32 PM
u are right...but i do get it lol...

i did the gal for me, enjoying myself and making plans for me.

i told him i wouldnt have sex, for me.

i stopped texting him, for me.

the things i changed, made me feel better.

but i have to admit, i enjoyed his reactions and i have to admit, the psycho ow started reacting too, perhaps because he changed on her end.

i think im overwelmed by everything i have to deal with, like losing my home and not knowing where we will go.

im upset about the follow up letter from the attorney, not quite sure if his lawyer naturally sends the letter since he did not hear from my attorney, or if h called him for a follow up.

im just looking for something else to do now, in addition to the other things i have done.

i like a task, a goal, something to focus my efforts on, something i havent already done.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 12:36 PM
I understand, and I know what you mean. I just don't want to see you keep peeking over your shoulder and asking "Is he watching? Is he reacting? Huh? Huh??"

I agree about the goals -- I'm the same way. I read a business book once that called them "BHAGs" -- Big Hairy Audacious Goals. The example they gave was how JFK pledged to put a man on the moon by the end of the decade (1960s), and how that focused NASA and the nation to accomplishing the task.

Personally, I think it would be a hoot if you opened up the EXACT same kind of store in a few years, but did it BY YOURSELF. You'll have a lot of obstacles to overcome before you can do that, but it'd be a great "BHAG" if that was something that was a dream of yours.

I mean, why let DAM H ruin YOUR dream???

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 12:43 PM
well here is the thing ---owning our own store was OUR dream, together. i wanted it for him for the last 10 years, because i knew what a success he could be, what a success it could be for us...yeah, that went well. lol.

i had my dream already, i had everything i could have ever wanted. everything. i was living the american dream.

so much for that.

i guess the phrase, careful what u wish for, u just might get it, holds some truth.

really, we always wanted our own bagel store, the store we opened wasnt quite that.

but i couldnt go opening a bagel store without him, i dont know the stuff that he does. although i could always hire someone!
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 12:48 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


but i couldnt go opening a bagel store without him, i dont know the stuff that he does.



Maybe not yet.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 12:52 PM
i was actually going to open a bagel store with my dad last year, that is kinda how the whole store thing came to play, we went into this business with my family.

im still in shock that we opened and its now closed.

its as if it didnt really happen, like its a dream that we did it, he was home, i was seeing him every day, every night and working with him.

i swear it is like a dream.

and i do believe everything between us would have been fine if he didnt start talking with her again.

the store might still have gone sour since we were truly screwed by the guy we bought it from, but we would have been ok.

it is very true that as long as our spouses have contact with op, the marriage stands no chance in reconciling, even if u both want it.

so what can i do now? any other 180s, any other "do something different?"

i need a short term goal to focus on.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 12:54 PM
Right now, unfortunately, I think moving you and your son thru the foreclosure is your short-term goal.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 07:08 PM
I think the foreclosure is def. the first thing on your plate for now.
Then getting a job would be next.
If you are ok, then keep doing what you are doing but you can't make game plans based on what you hope his reactions will be.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 08:34 PM
u are right, i shouldnt do things based on his reactions.

for the most part i do not, but i do still wonder what he is thinking, what he is up to, what he will say etc.

im not detached.

im slightly removed and protecting myself and my emotions, which was evident by me deleting the psycho's message without reading it.

but i still feel myself in the game of winning my husband.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/07/09 10:22 PM
im feeling down. i dont want to be feeling down.

i havent felt down in a while, i want it to go away...

i have had confidence, had been doing well, i need to get back to that.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/08/09 12:12 PM
Well, unfortunately, the blues are going to hit you and there's not much you can do to stop it. This SUCKS and that's all there is to it.

You can only keep so busy in any given day. So there are going to be those dark times. Then, get out the pad of paper and the pen and write down all you do have to be grateful for, that always helps me.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/08/09 12:18 PM
yes, this does suck. totally.

i need a new short term goal. cant figure one out though.

i was just reading Divorce Remedy again, the do something different part...not sure what else to do though.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/08/09 12:26 PM
someone on the mlc board posted a link to the website www.midlifecrisisadvocate.com. below is a terrific link to an article about infidelity and the role of the ow.


http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/betrayed-dealing-with-infidelity-Part3.html
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/08/09 07:32 PM
Hi doodles,
Have you come up with a new goal yet? Is there anything that you ever wanted to learn to do? I cant remember, but didnt you have an unfinished degree? Forgive me if Im wrong. Ive always kind of wanted to learn to be a pastry chef.

I used to go to a coffee shop in my hometown that served tomato bagels, they were awesome! When you open your bagel store, you should serve them!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/08/09 10:27 PM
i have a business degree, in marketing....funny that u want to be a pastry chef, i have been slowly starting a cookie business!

became too taxing on me after my several month bout with shingles...

so guess who sent another text today, while h was here --pyscho ow.

i deleted it. i didnt hear my phone beep though, happened to check it after he left.

called the phone company, she is getting past the call block by sending the messages through the computer!

which only confirms, as if we didnt know, that she used the computer last week to send him messages with my number!

i only wish i would have seen the message when h was here, maybe i would have been brave enough to check it. or atleast stick the phone in his face.

i bet she sends messages to herself from my number.

anyway, i called h after he left to tell him im getting messages. he had nothing to say but what can i tell u, and then told me to change my number.

which wont matter because she will get my number out of his phone from when she searches his calls.

whats her deal? trouble in paradise?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/08/09 11:14 PM
i must say, im upset...i mean, i think something must be up with them if she is consistently trying to reach me.

but either way, he left and is most likely with her now.

maybe they fight, maybe they arent happy, but he is there.

and not here.
Posted By: whatdidido Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 12:03 AM
Hmmmm....she could be threatening him that she will tell you something that he doesn't want you to know.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 01:37 AM
im thinking she is just lashing out actually, and i think this because she started last week with the texting my husband through the computer using my phone number.

i think she is looking to get him angry with me, looking to get rid of me, looking to provoke me and get me to call her.

i never heard so much from her, all year it was sporadic.

it kinda tells me trouble in paradise.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 04:45 AM
Definately sounds like trouble for them. She wouldnt be going out of her way to make you look bad/crazy/whatever if all was well. I guess you should just make sure to save your phone bill. I dont think that you should change your number, I agree that she will acquire your number and keep right on. Is there any legal recourse you can take? Is this stalking?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 10:59 AM
i dont know yet if i can do anything legally. i am keeping track of her attempted contact and have in writing what she did with my phone number.

perhaps if i read the messages i would know if she is saying anything harassing but at this time, i dont wish to see or hear what she has to say.

everyone is telling me to read the messages, including my in-laws and brother in-law (husband's brother).

i just dont want to.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 11:55 AM
does anyone think i should stop telling my husband i am receiving messages from ow?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 11:58 AM
Yes. It makes you look like a "victim" and that's not the image you're going for right now, in my opinion. You want to be conveying STRENGTH, INDEPENDENCE, that you're MOVING ON.

Telling him about these make it look like you're whining for him to rescue you, and/or it smacks of vindictiveness, neither of which is attractive.

Puppy
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 12:15 PM
I agree with Puppy. It could be seen that you want him to solve your problems.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 12:35 PM
i think i agree with u guys...

in the past i told him when the messages were more infrequent, at times when he insisted she was out of the picture, when the messages and calls were harassing and involved hurtful lies...

i didnt need to tell him when he was home and heard the phone ringing off the hook.

now, really, what is the point in telling him, he knows she is crazy, he knows she is using my number to text him...

and maybe it would be a new kind of 180 for me not to mention it.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 05:28 PM
Hey mdoodles,


How have you been? I know it's been a long time since I posted. I just readup on your sitch. So you know I will say don't even bother tell him. Remember my texts taht I was receiving. My take first off is taht what's the point of even dwellingon it. What really is the texting doing to you. Nothing? No benefit no hurt. And why even bother to inconveniece yourself with changing your #. Unless she does somethign with your # that is really damaging - words are nothing. They're electronic and just the delete button takes care of it. For myslef, I finally told H about the texts I got. But I did it in a great way. We were out on a date (will fill you in on my thread) and were talking casually and then I mentioned it to him. I even told him that I wasn't going to tell him b/c I don't want to give her the satisfaction of even getting negative attention. He was pissed off and I said see that's why I didn't want to say anything b/c I knew you would go to her. Funny thing is that shortly after she called him about something he was suppose to do for their son and he wasn't going to answer the phone but I told him to go ahead bu I ttalked not disturb), but anyway he did what I asked and told her that its not even bothering me and that I find it amusing actually and I was so glad to hear thim tell her that. Good!!! He even said her that doesn't she see that I don't even argue when she calls. It was so perfect. Hopefully she sill feel like texting/calling me is a waste of her time. So my advice, show your H that you don't even care. I think in general once we act like we don't really care then they get shocked.

Check my thread out in a bit later.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 06:09 PM
yeah, im done telling him. i think its happening too often to keep reporting on and i dont want to give her the satisfaction of caring...

i think i will even remove the call blocker at this point, she is getting around it anyway and maybe if she keeps it up, i will have my harassment case even stronger.

i had to go to traffic court today to fight a silly signaling ticket. really fun stuff lol.

going to a friend for dinner, planning my weekend so we are busy. keeping busy is so important! i think we all know that though...

foreclosure update - the stupid bank still hasnt canceled the foreclosure even though we have a buyer - they claim it can take them up to 30 days, which will run past the foreclosure date. how dumb is this?
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 06:48 PM
I think thats a good plan. I think that simply not reading them is good for your peace of mind.

If these people want to know what they say, could you forward them without reading them? who knows maybe they say something useful. But do I agree that you should stop telling H about them.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 06:57 PM
i can forward the messages, ive done it in the past.

right now, i dont want to though. it may make me wonder what the messages say, knowing someone else saw it.

im trying not to care.

i just packed a box in the kitchen. as i was packing my beautiful platters, beautiful dishes, i was cursing him.

this is all his fault. we had a beautiful home, a beautiful life, we were frequent hosts to lavish parties.

and im packing the serving pieces into boxes, not knowing where i will be unpacking them.

this is all his fault.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 07:03 PM
Hey,

hang in there. I know the anger you feel. By teh way, I didn't get to tell you that I think you're doing a wonderful job. It's hard adn there are going to be difficult days since its a difficult situation. You're not alone, we're all there with you. Good job on galing and showing him that he's less important to you right now. Take care of numero uno (you) and #2 (your son). But good job in the past days making him wonder hummmmmm. smile
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 08:20 PM
thanks vicky, i needed that!

i have to say, im getting pretty angry, with each box i pack, the anger is setting in.

the problem with the anger is this - my anger would like a reaction. and it gets none. nowhere.

i want him to feel what he has done.

yeah yeah, i know, he feels it, his credit is in the toilet, he cant get a credit card or a loan or an apt. he has no money.

but still. i want him to feel my anger.

in fact, i am so fired up, that when he calls this afternoon, im not answering! so there!
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 07/09/09 09:21 PM
You go. Don't answer that phone!!! smile It's probably more effective anyway than fighting it out.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/10/09 10:49 AM
it worked out well for me with the not answering the phone. i left the house to go to a friend for dinner. when i came home i saw h had called a few time. well, ha ha, not home!!! i did not return his call.

he is weird, sometimes he calls my cell too, sometimes not. whatever.

also saw a restricted caller called the house as well, no message...

made plans for tonight with a friend so i will have someone babysit my son.

trying to keep busy!
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/10/09 12:36 PM
I guess I'm the whack job here.....but I think you need to tell him. I think you need to show him the caller ID and you need show him your cell phone. AND you need to stop deleting the messages. You need to sit him down and calmly tell him "This needs to stop. It's just annoying. It's sad. And if she's trying to make it look like I'm texting you, doing it from a computer, that's something that's just unfair and deceitful. You and I have a child together. For him and for us, we need to be solid. That crap is just spiteful. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm not talking to you about this again, but if I have to keep a running tally on how often she does this, I will. But really, I just want her to leave me alone. Can you help me with this, please?"

Why are you giving her a pass to be a psycho?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/10/09 12:45 PM
no one is giving her a pass. he knows what she is doing, he knows she sent the messages to his phone.

its getting old. its stupid and its enough in giving her the satisfaction of getting a rise from us.

she is trying to get rid of me. trying to make us fight about her.

not happening anymore.

let her self-destruct on her own. let their relationship self-destruct without me.

i am keeping a call log and i get file harassment if i choose when i choose. he will have nothing to do with it.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/10/09 01:19 PM
Originally Posted By: almostdonebut...


Why are you giving her a pass to be a psycho?


I don't think she's getting a "pass" at all. Doodles has made the tactical decision NOT to let the woman get a rise out of her, and to NOT let her husband see it getting a rise out of her, nor to make it look like she -- Doodles -- is in need of "rescue."

I think that's the right move. If Doodles were in a stronger emotional place right now that she could come across as a confident, laughing "omg, whatever! look at these messages, ha!" sort of thing, then maybe. But I think if she shows/mentions them to her husband, he will see her as being weak and whining.

Puppy
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 07/10/09 03:05 PM
I completely agree. being that I feel like I've done this over tons. Just to give some of my history, at first when ow would harass me, she use to tell my H that I'm harrassing her. He was conflicted and I would get upset that he didn't even believe me for sure. Then she would know that we're fighting about it. Then she would send me messages about her and H and we would fight again. Now that I'm at a place where I could care less (what is a text anyway otehr than electronic words is what I say), it's so much more peaceful adn in H's eyes, she looks like th freak. Have her look like the trouble maker. Doodles, I think you could eventually but maybe do waht I did and tell him at a later time and show that it wasn't even bothering you anymore. Be nonchalant... "ah she is so crazy but her craziness isn't bothering me anymore." It changes the whole cat and mouse game. IMHO
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/10/09 03:11 PM
thanks guys....just got back from a nice walk with a friend. beautiful day today...

i have definitely pulled back on the reporting to him. and even last week after she manipulated my number to call him and he apologized to me for accusing me, i was cool about it to him and i know it shocked him...

have plans tonight with my friend, my parents are coming to babysit....i know i shouldnt care what he thinks but i am happy to say once again that i wont be home 2 nights in a row when he calls...let him wonder and let me enjoy myself
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/10/09 03:17 PM
and this is what I'm saying.....like a mature adult, sit him down and ask him to speak to her about her antics. "It's just annoying is all I'm saying. And really, I don't want to pay for her calling me anymore. If you could just let her know, I understand she wants to speak to me, I just don't understand why. Please, please let her know, I've nothing to say to her and she's got nothing I want to know."
Be a strong sexy woman, asking your husband to control his psycho. I would see that action from you, calm and realistic, as sexy in his eyes and at the same time, points out to H that she is crazy.
Also, it gives him a CHANCE TO HELP YOU and maybe he needs that right now after all he's screwed up. Maybe this lets him do something for you that lets him feel a little bit white knight-ish and I think he may want that. So if you do choose to do this, and he does go back to her to tell her to knock it off, THEN you drop it completely. And if he's successful, you tell him thank you so much for taking care of that annoying situation for me.
Just my thoughts.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/10/09 03:26 PM
i have already done this. this has been going on a very long time and its enough of the drama.

nothing left to tell him and she is getting us to discuss her.

she doesnt listen to him.

not worth it. let her hit a brick wall.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/10/09 04:00 PM
i think my anger is setting in and may just allow me to get legal with him.

im so afraid to do it, so afraid to file a motion for an order of support. i dont want to do it.

but we have bills due, homeowners insurance, cable, electric etc.

and i get he isnt working. i get it. but the bills arent going away. and neither is his car, so how is that being paid?

there is money somewhere or the porsche would be gone by now...

what do u guys suggest? what do u think puppy?

do i attempt to dicuss the bills again with him, he never desserted me financially, is this just a product of the store closing and unemployment?

i dont want to get ugly, i really dont want to, but the bills need to be paid or a judge needs to tell him to get a job, even if its a low paying deli counter.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/10/09 05:15 PM
I know what you are saying. For a long time I was almost proud of myself for having this attitude that H made a terrible mistake, and wont it be so sad when he realizes what he lost. I was almost feeling sorry for him instead of being angry with him. I even said well, at least I dont have to be angry. And then it all changed. I got pi**ed and filled out his stinkin papers for him. Then his attitude changed. But without getting angry I dont think that I could have done what I still consider to be my most effective DBing.

Im sure that you could figure out how to talk with him about it without having it turn into a fight. Esp things like the homeowners insurance and electricity. And its business talk, not M talk, so I dont think it would be off limits!

He drives a porsche and you cant pay the electric bill!? sick
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/10/09 06:16 PM
yeah, i know, the porsche...does it scream midlife crisis or what? lol....

whats funny about the porsche is that it was a mlc purchase at the age of 28 and was his extra extra car.

now the corvette is gone and company bmw is gone.

he is left driving his extra extra car as his everyday car!!!!
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/10/09 06:21 PM
Then it's time for a restraining order against this woman. That crap is just crazy.
And is he giving you ANYTHING in terms of monetary support? If not, then he!! yes it's time to talk to him about that. Someone will want to buy that car and there's nothing wrong with a Kia. And it gets better gas mileage. See how much OW likes cruisin' in that coke can.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/10/09 07:04 PM
Yes, sit him down and YOU propose to HIM what you think his reasonable financial obligations are. Tell him that you're hoping you can handle this just between the two of you, but that you're prepared to do what you need to do to protect you and your son, make no mistake.

Have you put any pencil to paper as to what you think his obligations should be? Run it by a third party, too, as you're likely to NOT ask for as much as you should.

If need be, suggest using a mediator.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/10/09 07:13 PM
its hard to say what his obligations are right now since the store closed and he has no job. his obligations technically are to pay for everything since i left my career to be a housewife and i do not work.

its a tough call but i will discuss the bills with him this weekend.

my cousin is a divorce attorney so i ask her advice for free rather than call my attorney and she tells me to present the bills to him, give him a chance to pay them. if he doesnt, and they are bills that affect me, i pay them with help from my family and keep a copy of all receipts/payments. and also put it in writing to him in email form regarding what i have paid.

of course she would like me to be moving forward legally but otherwise this is what i have to do in the meantime.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/11/09 04:01 AM
I think that the advice you received from your cousin is the best way to go. It allows you to tell him what bills are due and ask him for the help in paying them plus if he can't help and you are stuck paying for them (and keeping the receipts) then you can show in court, if it comes to that, that you paid those bills and you may get compensated for it.

I do not think you should talk to him about the cell phone issue anymore. You have told him, he knows what she is doing, you are keeping a log in case you need it for later. What more can or should be done? Nothing except what the delete button can fix!!

One other peice of advice....Anger can be a good emotion to help you get through what is happening AS long as it does not consume you or gets in the way of rational thinking. Anger is fine from time to time just like crying, beating your head against the brick wall (LOL), screaming, feeling down, and the best emotion of all, a hot fudge sundae (LOL). These are emtions that all of us have gone through and some continue to go through and they can be healthy as long as we don't let the emtions control us.

Stay busy and have a great weekend!!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/11/09 11:32 AM
went out with my friend last night, it was good to get out, beautiful night here....my friend is single so it is fun to have her take me to places where the happy hours are, although i am certainly not ready to be meeting anyone lol...always good for a people watching night - man, some of these people should look in a mirror! or worse, they do, and think its appropriate to walk out the door!

anyway, h had called before we left, i didnt talk, my son did.

i am going to have to call him, no idea when he is coming since his usual routine is out the window since he stopped working.

dont know what we are doing today, i would have liked to go to the beach or the pool, but it is cool here for this time of year, so it is even cooler at the shore...
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/11/09 07:10 PM
I think that regardless of what his employment status is, his obligations will always be to make sure that his son is in a home with power and heat and that there is food on the table! I may be hesitant to present him with the cable, or cell phone bill, but I think that he should expect to help you with the vital utility bills.

Im glad that you got out. Even if you arent ready to meet anyone, going out and having a great time with your friends is good for your spirit!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/11/09 08:57 PM
so i kept myself super busy today, and im proud because i started off the day sad...

went to the gym. then my husband's cousin (that i am very close with) called and asked if i am selling my patio set at my garage sale next week. i said, um, i guess i have to (hadnt really thought about it since i dont want to!) so she asked if i would be willing to sell it to her.

long story short, she already paid me and picked up the whole thing (its a big set)....

i was very upset to actually sell it, i was crying this morning - it really hits u...i remember when we bought it, for our new house, where we had dinner that night etc....

BUT - while crying, i put on my bathing suit, get son ready and went to a beautiful new pool club with giant water slides and water playgrounds...we were there all day and had a good time.

spoke to h, he called while i was there and tells me he isnt coming tomorrow morning will come monday or tues.

weird i think. im convinced he is working...
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 12:15 AM
went out for dinner and to a new cupcake bakery for dessert - so good!

i have to say, i have kept rather busy, been out the last 3 nights for dinner and busy in between...

so why am i aching to call him? im not going to, but im truly aching to talk to him.

to talk to him about what, i do not know.

i have not sent a text in just about 3 weeks.

i saw he had called earlier when i wasnt home, i did not return the call, already spoke to him anyway.

i guess i should look on the bright side, perhaps if i wasnt so busy, i would be feeling even worse.

i just miss him.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 01:28 AM
I understand, Doodles. I'm glad you're keeping busy -- you sound SO much better than you did just a couple of weeks ago! grin

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 11:40 AM
u think so puppy? thanks. im trying. i think it is all a process.

so, psycho girl strikes again.

6 private calls in a row, in a matter of 2 minutes at 8:30 pm...

then, while i was sleeping, phone started ringing at 11:25, i do the pick up/hang up to keep the phone from waking my son.

she must have called 6 more times before i was able to think straight (since i was sleeping) and put the private call block on. *77 if anyone is wondering.

the question is - what is up and where was he?

not that i will be asking him lol.

i hate being woken up by the phone, especially since i dont have an easy time of falling asleep after that.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 11:51 AM
figured out how to check the phone call log online.

she called 11 times last night between 11:25 - 11:27...i think 5 of the calls came in after the private call block.

6 times at 830.

this seems excessive
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 12:06 PM
can you switch the phone off when you go to bed? That will give you the sleep you need and annoy her when there's no pickup.

C
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 12:25 PM
i cant switch the phone to off, what if someone really needs to reach me?

the best i can do is put the call block on, assuming i can still see the call log that she tried to call.

i want to get it on record that she is calling so many times.

im trying to figure out what is up...

she used to search his phone but i cant say she is reading texts between us because i havent been texting him for the last 3 weeks.

she will see phone calls but we have to talk, we have a child together.

i really truly do not wish to talk to her so i wont know why she is calling i guess.

it just shows something is up.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 01:09 PM
Do you have Comcast Digital Voice by any chance? You mentioned being able to see the calls online. If so, just print them out, and keep a record of them.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 01:19 PM
funny u should say that - no, i have a different company, but i just got finished printing out all calls going back to april.

a real pattern to the calls and something interesting -

on the night h came home in april, he had called in the afternoon, after i had called him and while my son was one with h, i see now that ow had beeped in, with her number unblocked!

i never even saw that! i had received a text from her minutes later and several calls that night when he was home.

i highlighted all calls.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 01:30 PM
Very good!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 04:53 PM
so i discovered something interesting that is good to know - if you block private calls and someone attempts to call you with a *67, they wont get through BUT it will show up on your phone account with their number as an attempt.

interesting.

im going to keep the block off to get her repeated calling for my file.

but i found that information interesting.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 05:38 PM
Damn, you're good. cool whistle

Now, you can move on, and just print that out once/month, right?

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 05:42 PM
i will probably print out each time it happens so it isnt so time consuming, this morning took an hour - too long for me.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 06:38 PM
the phone company told me i have a case for harassment and instructed me to dial *57 after each of her calls going forward.

does anyone know what filing harassment entails?
Posted By: tb5 Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 06:44 PM
how do you withdraw (detach) if that is what i normally do? how do i get her attention?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/12/09 08:42 PM
not sure i understand your question?

im the wrong one to ask when it comes to detaching lol.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 07:02 AM
Im not sure, I think that you can call the police and just ask about it, you dont necessarily have to press charges, Im sure that you can get information. And they can see around the call block, cant they? So you could confirm that its really her and not teenage boys or whatever. Im certain thats the case, but it would be nice to confirm it.

Im surprised that she has time to be harrassing you like this! Its what spiteful teenage girls do, not grown women!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 11:11 AM
no calls last night, h will be home today, i bet my phone will be buzzing as she likes to make contact when he knows he is out here....

i looked into the harassment stuff, if i have to meet her in court, i dont know at this point that i will proceed.

i will keep documenting right now, if it gets worse or threatening, i will go from there.

im going to go pay some of the bills that are sitting here with the money i got from selling our furniture. and will keep the receipts along with everything else i file away...

i think this is all a process. im still upset, still miss him, but on some level, i realize its not so simple to say i want him home. that wont solve anything, it wont be what it was, he isnt who he was and cant be without him wanting to work on himself.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 02:40 PM
Don't do this... but I almost want you to answer to see what in the world she wants!!!!! But don't.
And yes, you are right....something is up. He was NOT with her when she was going crazy trying to call you. She thinks he was with you.....but I agree, good sign there is trouble for the Pollock.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 05:12 PM
i know, we are all wondering what she wants but i just dont want to talk to her. one thing if he was living with me, i may want to hear at this point what she has to say.

im protecting myself emotionally by not talking to her. i dont feel like being upset by her and talking to her, reading her texts, will upset me.

i will see what goes on today, h will be home soon. i am planning on going out while he is here, BIG 180 for me.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 05:18 PM
I'd suggest you be all dressed up to go out -- looking great and smelling great -- and when you see him pull up, you start heading out the front door with a chirpy "Oh, that's right, I forgot you were coming by. I gotta run, but there's mail on the counter for you and there's some food in the fridge if you're hungry. Don't forget to lock up, okay?" -- and be gone!
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 05:46 PM
Walking out with knee high boots and a mini skirt should get him into a panic mode.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 06:06 PM
I was going to suggest something NEW, both in terms of the outfit and the scent, but she indicated that he was due there shortly, so I figured there wouldn't be time for that.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 07:08 PM
Oh I love it. Great suggestions guys. Mdoodles, make his head turn and fill us in on how it goes.

BTW, I completely agree with you that since he's not with you why bother read her messages and give into that crap. She has him, and all you can control right now is your peace.

Keep up the good work. Remember protray strong woman!!! smile
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 07:10 PM
I'm not so sure the Polish chick does indeed still have him....if she's calling you that late at night and multiple times....I think there is indeed trouble in paradise.
Ride it out, I feel change coming.....
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 07:37 PM
psycho called at 1230, i had a private caller on the caller id. totally her because he was home before 130, the timing was just right for when he walked out the door by her.

anyway, all hell broke loose here because he was angry i sold the patio set without asking him.

so i said, i didnt realize it was a big deal, i am using the money to pay the bills u didnt pay. i said, u can have the $600, just show me u are paying the bills.

tells me it was marital property so i said, u havent given me money, i need to pay the bills, not to mention, u didnt consult me when u sold the contents of our store.

and i said, u left the house.

tells me we shouldnt pay for insurance on the house if we are moving. i was like, but we live here.

tells me he has no money no job. i said, well, that is what u say but who really knows the truth. i said, either way, your cars havent been reposessed, somehow u have money, what about your son?

i followed our conversation up in an email to him, listing the amount of money he last handed me, what bills are unpaid, that i paid our late income taxes because he refused etc. i sent a copy to my attorney.

he also tells me now not to sell the living room. i said, im selling it to pay back the credit card, we havent even paid for the funiture! tells me no.

he is in for a rude awakening. he must really htink im so kind that i will split our things? AS IF...

i may seem like a doormat with my affection for him, but not my things, not our only assets. he blew all of our money on an affair, he gets nothing.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 07:40 PM
whistle whistle whistle whistle whistle


Puppy, with a RARE "5 Whistles" Award
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 07:43 PM
Good job at standing up to his spew and for being the responsible one to deal with the finances that need to be paid.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 07:50 PM
It must be done mdoodles, it must be done. You have to pay your bills. There's nothing he can do to stop you. And there's no court that won't back you. You didn't sell this stuff then go on a vacation, you paid bills.
Do it up Girl!
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 07:57 PM
YOU GOOOOOOOOOOO mdoodles!!! I'm in complete agreement and you are absolutely doing the right thing. Don't worry he will get over and when he gets out of his fog, he will appreciate it. Stand up for yourself and be strong. I would have done the same thing. Hell I thought about selling the few of H's items that he left behind. He left so you make the decisions that are best for you and your son!!!!!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 08:09 PM
im so happy u guys are proud of me! i feel bad, its my nature to feel like im doing right by people.

i dont like to think that he thinks he is right, that i did wrong.

puppy, im most happy that u are impressed lol...

like my cousin, the attorney, said - he is a jerk if he would rather have the furniture than sell it and pay down bills/debt.

im still fired up and angry. he just took son to get something to eat to bring here to eat.

i would change the locks and keep him out, but its not my nature.

i would rather play nice and do what is fair and what is deserved than get spiteful and keep him out.

of course, if he suddenly takes something that isnt a tool or a shirt of his, i will change the locks and alarm code.

dont mess with me!!!!
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 08:14 PM
Look out guys, Mamabear has come out of her cave . . . eek mad
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 08:57 PM
BTW doodles, don't feel if you change the locks he won't come around in time. When h and I first separated for like 6 weeks I refused to change the locks I didn't want to make him feel bad. Then when I made another attempt last year to kick him out I changed the locks, then he actually knew a trick way to get back in while I was away. This long sep, i didn't change the locks but when he said he's not coming back I asked for the keys back b/c I knew he wanted to come in as he pleased. And I wanted to prove a point. Nw, even without keys, H is coming around. If all goes well and he does right I plan on doing something special when I give him back his keys. Will see.

Not saying that you should change the locks if you'r not comfortable, just letting you knwo if at any point you decide to do that know that it doesn't mean all is lost. He would be upset at first, but he would get over.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 09:35 PM
good to know....im very upset right now. angry and upset.

he just left, of course, stayed his 4 hours, time to go now

it bothers me to think he can actually be mad at me. im sure it will blow over, always always does. and he didnt even seem that annoyed anymore.

im just upset. about everything.

we are going through so much financially, and where the hell is he? certainly not "consulting" me about his actions and day to day life.

i had intended to go out while he was here, that got screwed up. i didnt want to leave the house with him angry, didnt want him to take anything if i wasnt here.

im not up to changing the locks. just not.

i want to play nice as much as i can, and still tackle everything behind the scenes.

i dont want him getting angry and then using our son to get back at me. he has done it before.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 09:42 PM
i just happened to see what everyone had written in regards to what i should wear lol....trust me, i always look hot when he comes, i know just what to wear to drive him nuts...today i actually planned my shower time to just be coming out when he got here...

i think my plan for tomorrow when he calls is to say, hey, im on the other line, i will call u back...

what else guys? what is my next plan?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/13/09 10:41 PM
a bill collector called in reference to our oil bill --- i told them to call his cell phone!

best case scenerio - psycho goes through his phone and calls the number back and hears its a bill collector!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 10:57 AM
im feeling alittle weird, like im not quite sure what will happen next or what i will do next.

i think i will speak to my attorney to see my options.

we all know i do not wish to proceed legally, however, financially, things need to be done. he needs to be shown what is expected of him, because clearly he isnt aware.

he really thinks he will get half of things...i thought he saw that wasnt happening when i refused the mediation settlement last year.

talk about delusional...

anyway, spoke to my cousin (a divorce attorney) she told me i can continue to try to sell other furniture. she said u are selling marital property to pay marital debt, no problems there.

i sense the fear in me. its all fear. fear of how he will react if i move forward and pull out the big guns - which really is what im entitled to.

im afraid of his reaction. i need to change that.

my cousin also said that i wont want to file harassment against psycho, but the harassing behavior from her can keep her from seeing my son, atleast until a divorce is final (and since i will only settle for a separation, we have a while).
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 11:50 AM
Hi Pearl,

What are the "big guns" for which you are going to ask?

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 11:56 AM
"big guns" is a phrase from my attorney lol...

it refers to when i actually do something, like request what i am entitled to.

so in addition to child support and maintenance, i want the entire 401k and all items in our home....from what i understand it is what im requesting to pay back the marital waste and money owed from the store.

he will be in for a shock when he sees what i have documented, how much information i have gathered that he doesnt think will be held against him.

if we lived in a different state he would be ok, but ny is a fault state. he would have been lucky if i was willing to mediate.

i dont want to proceed with a separation/divorce, but i think i have decided that i will file a motion for immediate support.

and he can claim he isnt working, but the judge will wonder how his cars are being paid...
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 12:49 PM
You know what Doodles?
I think it's time for the big guns. I'm not a professional, all I have is the fact I'm living through this crap too, BUT things really started to change for me when I was ready to walk away. I hated the idea, still do, but I was pissed. I had had enough of H thinking I was not the prize. I finally got to a point where I knew, I am soooooo much better than her.

Then, my mother gave me the best advice/explaination: If you knew for fact he was coming home, sooner than later, how would you act? What would you do? You would go live your life and even laugh at his stupid antics. You'd be fine.

And she's right.

So my advice to my mdoodles, time to show him who's really in charge. You.

I think at this point, he doesn't see you as the lighthouse, the place to turn to when he's stressed or upset. I think he sees you as the doormat he can still wipe his feet on.

Why not show him, you are the prize?

But if you aren't ready.....I completely understand. I wasn't ready in December, January or February or March. Sort of got there in April, back off in May but got there in June, in a big way. That's when my mother and I had our big talk.

Whatever you want to do, I'm with you.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 12:57 PM
i think its fair to say im not ready for legal separation/divorce.

but taking him to court to get money im entitled to, married or not, i believe i am ready to do.

ive tried being nice, ive tried laying low and giving him the benefit of the doubt.

i understand he has no job. but there is money somewhere and we come first, not his cars. not his cell phone.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 01:16 PM
Duh.
Of course you do.
And you're right there is money somewhere.
And if worse comes to worse for him, he needs to start looking at Hondas.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 01:52 PM
It's certainly a good starting point, Doodles, and should help you get something cemented financially. Always better to start HIGH, and negotiate downward, than to try to start with something "fair."

I bet he will be SHOCKED!

Puppy
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 02:29 PM
oddly, I think he might be turned on if you show some backbone now.
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 02:38 PM
Maybe a legal separation is what is needed.

I heard the "keep the big gun cocked" from my cousin who has seen many such broken marital cases in the construction business. He told me that it was necessary to "Strike fast and strike hard". My lawyer said not so - "lets work in a more friendly business manner, but with the upper hand of striking first".

And you do need to start high in your demands.

But, there is a thing to consider. If your H sees that he is going to be hurt majorly on his long term future finances, he may pretend to want to come back so that you back off the big gun. You need to not be so easy to take him back.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 02:54 PM
interesting kerry...he may appear again to want to come back. he appears that way most of the time. but its clear he doesnt realize what i am entitled to and what he is entitled to.

so when that is shown to him, he may second guess himself.

im waiting to talk to my lawyer. i want to tell him that we are in no position to work on a separation/divorce, we do not have the finances to fund the retainers because right now, we need to get out of our foreclosing house and set up somewhere else.

i would like to receive support right now, and when son and i are settled in a new place, consider a fair settlement.

I WILL NOT enter into an agreement quickly because we cant fund a fair battle. i will not enter into an agreement while he is not working an upstanding job, like he always has.

for all i know, he will choose a deli counter and my cs will be based on it. then he will go to an upstanding job, and i will then have to fight in court to get the cs changed.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 03:33 PM
My lawyer keeps stats. His records show that just past 35% of his clients reconcile with their spouse.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 04:48 PM
Originally Posted By: KerryK


But, there is a thing to consider. If your H sees that he is going to be hurt majorly on his long term future finances, he may pretend to want to come back so that you back off the big gun. You need to not be so easy to take him back.


I second this, Doodles. I absolutely think he may do this.

As I just posted to someone else, you will KNOW what GENUINE remorse/desire to reconcile looks like. Because you have seen the FALSE one from him before, you are in a great position to recognize the real thing if and when it does show its head.

I pray it does, IF that's what you want.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 07:11 PM
so i went and paid our bills with the furniture money, i have the receipts.

i also went and priced a very nice apt complex that i had looked at last year. the girl working there remembered me, felt bad for the situation and gave me a good deal, although it is still pricey and im working with no money to even make the decision....

have to figure it out. arent many apartments to choose from here.

i just want to figure it out, so i can settle my son somewhere, enroll him in school and let him know we are moving.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 08:19 PM
made an appt with my lawyer for thursday to go over everything and how to best go about support money.

all of a sudden im finding myself taking the steps to move forward. funny huh?

i dont want a separation or a divorce.

i want the money im entitled to, i want somewhere to live.

and i will take it from there.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 09:21 PM
h called and i said, hey, im on another call, i will have son call u back...he said, ok or something to that extent and i said, bye and hung up!

do we think he was surprised? i never did that before.

rather empowering. i was on the phone, nothing important though, but atleast i wasnt even lying.

i told son to call his dad. he hasnt yet.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 09:23 PM
whistle grin
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 09:37 PM
I think you did good with the phone call. You showed him that you acknowledged that he had called but at the same time you really did not have time for him. He will be left wondering who you were talking to and who was more important than him.

I caught up on everything and I want to say that I am proud of the way that you have been handling everything. You are doing great, little by little.

Perhaps you can ask your lawyer about talking to a judge about getting the finacial support now for the bills and for your son. And nothing else at this time. Don't want the seperation/divorce then don't talk to the lawyer or judge about it now.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 09:37 PM
In Iowa they base a person child support off of their job but if the person does not have a job then they either back up to the last job if the person can still work a job like that or similar to that job. If all else fails, they at least base the support off of a 40 hour work week at minimum wage if the court believes that the person has no real reason why they can not have a job at that time. Maybe your lawyer will have a suggestion as to what the best way to proceed so you can get some sort of support.

You, Your son, Support, Bills, Day to day living...these are your important things to think about right? Try to stop thinking about being nice to your H and how he feels. He isn't thinking about being nice to you or what your feelings are.

There is a time to get mad and start fighting back. Now is that time, I think.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/14/09 10:48 PM
thanks iowa. sure hope i get more than 17% of minimum wage. lol

i would like them to look at what he was making and somehow tell him he needs to look for a serious job somewhere around that, alittle below is fine.

i am well aware he was offered a position at a world famous place here in ny by the owner. i am wondering why he has not taken it, or, that he has and isnt saying.

i am having a friend (who is an investigator) call tomorrow and see if he is employed there.

if not, i want the issue raised as to why he did not follow up on that position.

my son finally called h back, he must have left a message, he called home and my cell. my son answered my cell, i was on another call and didnt even pick his call up!
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/15/09 01:13 AM
It's called "imputing income," and if he tries to lowball you, you can hire an occupational evaluator (or "occupational counselor") to impute income to him based on the kind of job that:

a) he is qualified for; and

b) which is reasonably available in his area.

But the expense for the OC would most likely have to be borne by you.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/15/09 11:08 AM
i guess i will see what my attorney says tomorrow.

i have so much going on, my head is spinning. i should know today if the bank is putting the foreclosure on hold.

it helps a bit, but at the same time, i need to decide where i am moving. if only my son was still in preschool, i wouldnt have to worry about the start of the school year. oh well.

i have charges to dispute on my credit card, h was an authorized user on one, and a charge was put through for business purposes after the store closed - he did not do it, it looks like a company did it automatically. $1,700!

no way im paying. canceled the card.

havent heard from pyscho, she is due for contact.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/15/09 03:37 PM
Well, sounds like you are making progress one way or another. Good for you.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/15/09 08:14 PM
i guess im making progress. who knows.

the bank still cant tell me if they put the foreclosure on hold.

my investigator friend called a place where we suspected h could be working. he isnt. on or off the books.

just got in from a day at the pool with my son, it was nice.

i see h called, he can call again, im not calling him back.

i dont even want to talk to him anymore. its better when i dont.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/15/09 09:54 PM
I agree that it is better that you don't talk to him if you can help it. And when you do have to talk to him just keep it about business and nothing personal except your son.

I sure hope the bank goes in your favor and puts it on hold. That will releive some of the pressure on you.

Do you guys have Child Support Recovery up there? That is something that Iowa has. I go through it with both of my kids' dads. Even though I went to court with both of them, they still called in CSR to do the dirty work of how much they were to pay in child support. I know that in Iowa you can start a case without having to use a lawyer and it may not cost as much. They can run a SS# check and see if he is paying into taxes anywhere, then you would know if he had a job and wasn't telling. I don't know how long that would take since mine went through the court system with everything else. Maybe you have something else similar to it in NY??

Also have you thought that it may be the psycho that is paying his way for the cars and stuff? If she is maybe she will eventually get tired of supporting him and his family if you are able to get some sort of support.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/15/09 10:04 PM
oh u have no idea! he calls, i hear her in the background. i said, call us back without your background noise. he called a few more times, i told him son was in the bath.

then he calls again, yelling at me to stop calling and hanging up on whoever it is that im calling (see, he cant even admit to her, he says "whoever it is you are calling").

i went wild, i said it was not me, she is spoofing my number and if u dont believe me, f her and f you. and i hung up.

i called the phone company, they are mailing me my cell phone records.

then psycho sent me a text. it looked like a paragraph, i didnt read it.. i know i know, i shouldnt delete it, but i just dont want to read it.

i bet it said, stop calling me leave me alone.

he kept calling me, i answered once, said, im on with the phone company retrieving my phone records. and i hung up.

he called several more times,i didnt answer.

maybe i will get him on harassment too. lol....

i must have grown up since i do not respond, do not call her or even try to make him believe me.

i am just so annoyed.

and this psycho girl? she so knows i have done nothing.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/15/09 10:05 PM
also, i emailed h just to put the whole situation in writing, saying she is spoofing my number and our phone records show i have not called her and also show her calls to me.

then i sent a copy of the email to my attorney.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/15/09 10:50 PM
So much drama . . .
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/15/09 11:35 PM
it is drama. am i handling it correctly by not responding to her or texting him or calling him? is that the best way to deal with this?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/16/09 10:36 AM
another day, who knows what else will go on...

i have the appt with my attorney today, hoping to clarify a few things...i also hope to figure out my living situation.

im seriously considering police report, i will see what the attorney says.

i have to stop deleting her texts, as much as i dont want to, i will need them for evidence and maybe i should be reading them to see if they are threatening.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/16/09 08:21 PM
ok, met with my lawyer.

i have to go to family court and fill out the petition for support.

they will then ask h to prove he has tried to get a job, prove his old job wont take him back etc. he will also have to show how he is paying for his items such as his cars and phone and where he lives.

i also went to the police station. they told me i need her to call again and i need to answer and hear her voice. once i have that, i can fill out a report for aggravated harassment.

so im waiting for her to call.

and i will go to famiyl court either tomorrow or monday.

in the meantime i can sell whatever i want from the house.

as for the separation/divorce, not actively doing anything, i explained that neither of us have the funds, so we will wait on him. he has no grounds.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/17/09 12:22 AM
so i sound like a big shot now, right? like its all so simple the way i have it layed out?

just talking to him before sets me back. i can be all empowered and independent and then i talk to him. and possibly hear her in the background and i fall off course again.

why would i even want him back? we all know if he showed up on the doorstep i would let him in for the night.

why? because i have waited so long that im used to wanting it?

because im afraid to totally let go? i feel myself letting go and part of me doesnt want to let myself fully let go...
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/17/09 12:26 AM
Doodles,

It's understandable. We all detach at our own pace. My wife has been mostly really GOOD to me (no repeat infidelity, some conflicts the past two years, but overall we get along very well), and I'm JUST NOW overcoming my co-dependent tendencies, and getting un-enmeshed. To where I feel like I'd LIKE to be with her, but I don't HAVE to be.

With someone doing what your husband has done, I would think the pace would be faster, but everyone's different. Just keep doing what you're doing -- you've come a LONG way, if you go back and read your old posts.

Back to my b-day party!!

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/17/09 11:31 AM
thanks puppy. i did go back and read my old threads, that was a great idea.

i have improved. i have adjusted slightly to not having the store, not talking to him in the morning. not expecting the phone to ring early.

and when i allow myself to admit it, i see he isnt the same person that i married, isnt even the same person he was 6 months ago. or better yet, the person that was trying to reconcile with me and open a business, was still clearly in crisis.

i also saw great advice from you puppy. u said to stop making decisions with my heart and make decisions that i know are the right decisions to make, that my head tells me to do.

i havent done that much but will be doing it now.

he may lash out and get angry when he sees he is headed to family court, but it is the right thing to do.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/17/09 12:06 PM
You can teach yourself to withstand the "angry." You're much more detached now than you used to be, so after you've withstood the blow of his anger once or twice, and look down at yourself and say "Hey! I'm still standing!" -- his power over you will largely be gone.

Ask a child, what hurts more, having your parent ANGRY with you, or DISAPPOINTED in you?

When you learn to operate from "DO THE RIGHT THING," they're much less likely to be disappointed in you, and you can learn to get past the anger.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/17/09 12:14 PM
i think u are right....and if he is angry, if it makes things even worse between us, it doesnt matter because im doing the right thing.

i was always cautious about doing the "right thing" because i didnt want to jeopardize our chances of getting back together.

right now, the right thing is more important. support is more important and if we never get back together, its not because i requested the support im entitled to.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/17/09 07:17 PM
i have been extremely busy today and im not even sure what i have accomplished. this life im leading right now is a full time job.

i did sell my living room furniture, at least some of it anyway. i guess that is a start. pretty sure i sold the swingset, waiting for confirmation of when they are picking it up.

i packed a few boxes, planned which day im going to file petition for support next week.

still attempting to figure out where and when im moving.

back still didnt confirm foreclosure on hold.

when will i get somewhere? lol

as for h, guess he isnt coming to see son today. very strange.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/17/09 07:19 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


as for h, guess he isnt coming to see son today. very strange.


Was he expected to??
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/17/09 08:14 PM
since ow has been acting out, his routine of coming to see son on specific days has gone out the window. the man is so routine, never forgets to come and always plans ahead. now, he cannot commit to days. last night, he couldnt commit to today and couldnt commit to the weekend. very very very unusual...
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/18/09 03:15 AM
Hi Doodles, I imagine her acting out is probably wreaking havoc on his whole routine and order based existence. I wonder how long until he has had enough. When you get your phone records, do you plan on showing him them, or bringing it up again at all?

When is family court?

Have a great weekend!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/18/09 11:59 AM
hey bluerain, how are u?

i have no intention of showing him or mentioning the phone calls again. i intend to use them for legal purposes and if she starts up once more, if she calls once more, im taking it to the police.

its one thing if she calls and hangs up alot, i wouldnt take action. its another when she uses my phone number on more than one occasion to make it look like im calling people.

he never even called yesterday. son left him a message in the morning, never called, never came. completely out of character. 100% completely out of character. even in this mlc situation, not like him.

i must choose between 2 apts today or tomorrow and am having trouble. with one apt, it is $400 less, but i would need storage for furniture and have less living space for son to play. with the storage plus utilities not included, i dont know how big the price difference is anymore.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/19/09 10:12 AM
i posted under mlc what happend with psycho - summary- i was at a party with my son last night, i got a text picture message from an internet service (she likes to send things that way) of my husband and psycho ow.

then she called, i answered, she said either, stop calling her or stop calling him, idont understand her all that well.

i havent called her and u cant tell me not to call my husband.

she called again and said nothing when i answered.

who knows what today will bring but i am bringing this to the attention of the authorities.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/19/09 12:54 PM
Doodles,

Although I was formerly in the "ignore her and don't give her the satisfaction" camp, I think I've changed my mind. She's starting to get into "bunny-boiling" territory now; a picture of the two of them, together, is a little creepy.

I think you should try to get a TSO against her.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/19/09 01:00 PM
im going to the authorities, its aggravated harassment, a misdemeanor. if i didnt have my son with me now, i would be there already.

did i mention my husbands's cell phone called me at 1130 last night? something tells me it wasnt him.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/19/09 01:12 PM
Yeah, it's pretty easy to spoof someone else's cellphone #. My 16yo son can do it from his iPhone with no problem.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/19/09 01:13 PM
really just like that from an iphone? interesting. they are trying to make it illegal.

i sent h a text this morning telling him i saw that i missed a call from his cell at 1130 pm and how weird it is that he didnt call me at home at that time.

now, if he made the call, he will call again to tell me what he wanted. if he didnt, he will know now that someone did.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/19/09 01:14 PM
Yep.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/19/09 01:40 PM
do u think its better to report her sooner rather than later? i dont know that i can get there today, but do u think its most important that i have someone watch my son so that i can?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/19/09 01:44 PM
With as often as she's harassing you, I'd say it really doesn't matter when you do it.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/19/09 09:58 PM
just got back, took care of what i needed to. will take alittle time, some records need to be retrieved but i will receive an order of protection for myself and my son.

crazy huh?
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/20/09 02:33 AM
I wonder if her coming and harrasssing an american citizen is going to stand in the way of her INS paperwork? It seems like she wouldnt be a very good candidate for citizenship... It will be interesting to see how it plays out.

Doodles, I think that you made the right call. I dont think that her having to deal with the police and explain herself will give her what I would call satisfaction. And you need to stand up for yourself, shes bullying you and thats not acceptable.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/20/09 03:46 AM
doodles,

I think that you did the right thing by taking what she is doing to the police. You should not have to live with someone doing those things to you just because their is something seriously wrong inside that person's head. To tell YOU to stop calling YOUR husband???? That is just the psycho OW listening to the voices in her head!!

You are on the right track. You are moving forward with the immediate things that need to be dealt with, i.e. a place to live, bills, your son, and the support. Feel good about your self with the things that you have acheived so far.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/20/09 11:54 AM
thanks. if she does really get arrested and charged with a misdeanor, it will certainly affect her status here.

thats not my problem. or my fault. she brought this on herself.
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: he was back, i think - 07/20/09 11:56 AM
Hi mdoodles,

Just to say I am thinking of you. This is really difficult for you

Cas
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/20/09 12:09 PM
thanks, i am dealing with alot!

i have to say, going to speak with the detective yesterday, it was rather bittersweet. i have spent so much time with my good friend conjuring things up, learning about this girl when i first discovered about her.

and gee, now, i needed all of that information!

its all hard, its hard that i must file for support through the famiyl court, its not going to stay friendly.

or who knows, reality will hit him and he will come running back here.

i will always want my marriage to work but im not a fool anymore. i know what would have to happen and i dont see that type of true remorse or true reconciliation happening anytime soon.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/20/09 12:28 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


its all hard, its hard that i must file for support through the famiyl court, its not going to stay friendly.

or who knows, reality will hit him and he will come running back here.


I think that if and when your legal move affects OW and her status here, your husband will be livid -- at least for awhile. You might want to prepare yourself emotionally for that response, as it is "script."

I still think, however, that it was THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Your response should be "I did it to protect myself and our family."

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/20/09 12:34 PM
he can get angry all he wants - she did this. she calls me, she sends me messages, she spoofs my number, she sends me pictures.

if there is anyone to be angry at, it really should be her, or himself for getting into this mess.

all i did was marry him. lol.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/20/09 01:21 PM
Oh, I'm not saying he'd be RIGHT, Doodles -- he wouldn't be -- I'm just predicting the behavior, so that you'll be emotionally prepared for it.

You didn't do anything a good Mamabear wouldn't do. cool

Puppy
Posted By: Kimmie Lee Re: he was back, i think - 07/20/09 05:20 PM
You certainly didn't do anything wrong.

Your H probably shouldn't have brought this woman into your lives.....
Posted By: K4D Re: he was back, i think - 07/20/09 05:30 PM
No probably about it. He shouldn't have brought her into your lives PERIOD.

Kevin
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/20/09 05:41 PM
who knows how long it will take for something to get done anyway, it will be weeks i believe...unless of course her behavior escalates and i dont think it will. she will keep it up, but i dont think it will get worse, atleast i hope not.

i just opened the mail, i see h hasnt been paying for his car. im surprised i thought that he was. oh well, i wonder how long until the repo man comes for the porsche.

i know u will all yell at me, but i feel bad. i know i know, i shouldnt! i know!

but its just so sad, we had everything, he had everything and he pissed it all away....i wonder if psycho girl knows how bad the money situation really is.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/20/09 05:52 PM
You should save your pennies, and when the repo'd porsche goes to auction buy it, I know its not realistic, but it would be hilarious! If the bank tries to find it, you shouldnt try to protect him.

Well, I hope that the 94' honda hes gonna be driving soon is worth his shiny new psycho! Who probably will refuse to ride in anything worth less than $75,000!

I know the feeling you are talking about, it was your life that you 2 built together, and the car, no matter how materialistic, or trivial, was part of the package.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/20/09 10:42 PM
Right now she thinks he is the greatest but when the s**t hits the fan and the repo man comes knocking, she'll see he really isn't her knight in shining armor that is going to help her stay in the country. I bet she beats a hasty retreat towards the door.

By the way it is fine to feel bad for him. You still have feelings for the man and still want the best for the father of your son but you were right when you said he brought this on all by his self.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/20/09 11:15 PM
well all he** broke loose today, oh u have no idea!

h was here, playing in the back with son with the water guns. i went outside to the front, and at the same time, h and son were coming around to the front. h was on his phone, as soon as he saw me, he turned to walk back to the backyard. i figured it was her, so...

i started talking to son loudly and son kept saying, mommy, shoot let daddy shoot u with the water gun. mommy, mommy mommy...well, i saw h was still on the phone and guess who hung up on him? yup, she hung up....he was like, hello? hello? and looked at the phone and then closed it.

i saw a little while later that she had tried to call my house by blocking her number (i can see it on the call log on my account) her number appeared 2 times....

an hour later, she unblocked her number and called here, while h was here eating dinner with my son. i answered, she started to say, "let me tell u something" i interupted and said, please do not call here. and i hung up.

she called another 15 times. i dialed *57 for 4 of them. h answered 2 of them. he took the call into the garage, outside and the upstairs bathroom.

he was screaming like i never heard! and each time they hung up, she called again.

he left after 530, havent heard from her since, i wonder what will happen tonight.

i wonder if they are still fighting.

the thing is, she never thought he hung out here and she finally heard me in the background.

i printed out the phone records from today.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 12:29 AM
Oh my goodness! Its amazing how things work out, you didnt have to do anything, and she got herself caught... I dont think that it could have gone down more perfectly.

How could she possibly think that she has something worthy of your time to say? I just want to laugh!

Im glad that you are holding onto the phone records. Did she literally call 15 times? I cant beleive that he took the calls well, I guess I can, but how uncomfortable.

So she found out that he spends time with you and your son, and he found out that SHE is the one making the phone calls. Nice. I wonder if she just sort of looks up from her work and thinks "I think that Ill mess with doodles and her H now".
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 12:33 AM
she called a total of 18 times. once he saw she kept calling, he went first into the garage to call her to tell her to stop. and there was alot of screaming. and then she kept calling. after a few calls, he said "let me answer it" and he did and took it upstairs. and there was alot of screaming.

then she kept on calling and he took one of them after a bunch and i told him to take it outside. we heard him screaming from outside.

i dont know that she has work to look up from to be honest with u. not quite sure what she does. either housekeeper, nanny, or home health aide from my understanding.

i called the police and left a message for my investigator.

i also sent h a text telling him to tell her to not call me anymore.

i figured i would put it in writing for him, knowing she wont stop, atleast i can tell him i tried to get him to get her stop before i had her arrested.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 12:43 AM
He had better make sure she doesnt "accidentaly" get pregnant, she seems very desperate, and I can imagine it happening.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 12:51 AM
she has lied in the past and said she was. it is my biggest fear, believe me....please pray for me that at the very least, that does not happen.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 01:06 AM
You are in my prayers, I actually think about you a lot! I think that you are doing amazingly well, and I am impressed by all the great advice you are getting on here. I do wish you the best doodles.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 01:10 AM
aww, thanks bluerain, i often think of u, i am fascinated that i "talk" to someone as far away as alaska!

i like to think im doing well, im holding it together.

i miss him, but im realizing that the "him" i miss, isnt him right now. may never be again.

when i see him, i still "see" him, but really, he is a stranger to me now.

i dont understand him, dont understand how he can be with someone so nuts, how he can choose her over our family, over our son.

but really, he never really chose her, he was always lying to her, cheating on her etc.

i guess that makes me feel alittle better, if that makes sense.

i will be ok. i know i will. i will turn out a heck alot better than him when this is all said and done.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 09:51 AM
i cant sleep. psycho sent me a text message and tried to call 2 times in the middle of the night.

unbelievable already. why does he stay with her? i will never understand.

oh, i left something out. h is totally desparate for money. asked me where our silver is. i was like, oh, isnt it in the dining room? he said, no. its not, where did i put it.

(ok fine, u got me - i took the silver to my parents house weeks ago knowing it would be the first thing he went for! am i smart or what? lol)

anyway, i asked him what he wanted it for? he said, "i was going to take it and sell it". i said, oh really...

he said that i can have the china, i said, oh really...

he told me his grandmother bought half the silver so he can take it. i told him i dont think so. he was like, u can have the china, what are u going to do with it anyway.

i said, with a smile on my face " i am going to look at it everyday in my beautiful wall unit"

he guessed that i moved the silver and told me to bring it back, i did not engage him, just said, ok.

he told me i was delusional to think i can have everything in the house and sell whatever i want and keep the money. i simply said, darling, remember, u left the house...

he was going crazy because all i continued to say after that was ok, or im sorry u feel that way. i would not engage him further.

he kept trying to engage me when i kept saying ok or sorry u feel that way, told me to stop saying those things and talk.

i said, u are here to play with son, go play with him, stop talking about this with him home and go play with him.

he did.

funny, he still never mentioned contacting his lawyer, never mentioned how i didnt respond to try to settle, never mentioned he wants a divorce.

he seems to just want money. well mazel tov with that lol...
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 11:31 AM
ok, the text said, "please relax dont hurt our baby"

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 12:07 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
ok, the text said, "please relax dont hurt our baby"

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????


Now that's truly disturbing.

When is she going to be served with the restraining order??

Puppy
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 12:07 PM
btw, EXCELLENT JOB with the hubbie!!! You handled that beautifully. whistle whistle

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 12:19 PM
what do u think she means??????????????????
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 12:42 PM
I wouldn't even want to guess, but I think you should show it to the police.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 01:01 PM
i agree, i need to call them. i called last night, the officer on my case isnt in until tomorrow. i left a message.

my luck my son is home sick today from camp otherwise i would down at the station with my phone records.

i wonder what i did in a past life to deserve all of this. must have been real bad lol.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 01:25 PM
Yeah, really! LOL Must have raped and pillaged somebody's village or something.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 01:37 PM
im so sitting on edge, i want him to call me, clear this up.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 01:55 PM
who-him, the detective, or your husband?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 01:56 PM
my husband. i left him a message, but im sure he wont (cant) call me if she is around.

im totally out of my mind. i want to call the police, but again, its hard to conduct business like that with my son sitting here.

i just dont know what she meant and im concerned she is going to show up here. its as if that is next.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 02:03 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
ok, the text said, "please relax dont hurt our baby"

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????


Doodles, just trying to clarify:

Did she "spoof" this text message to make it look like it came from your husband??
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 02:09 PM
no, came from her phone.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 04:10 PM
called police. they are already processing my report from sunday, da is on it, or something like that.

he said they will send an officer now to my house to file new report. i said no because my son is home.

he told me it isnt pressing, i can come whenever i want and if she shows up, i can dial 911 and they will arrest her.

still dont know what message means, still havent heard from h.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 04:15 PM
Is the TSO going to state that she just PHYSICALLY can't come within "x" number of yards of you, or is it also going to cover the electronic harassment?

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 04:17 PM
pretty sure she cannot contact me and cannot come near me or my son or anyone in my family.

i wish i knew what she meant in that message. im terrified that she is pregnant (knock on wood please).
Posted By: Kettricken Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 04:18 PM
JMHO, but I don't know how seriously you will be taken if you keep putting the cops off like this. I understand you want to protect your son, and that is admirable, but why can't you send him to his room to play for the duration of the phone call or the visit or whatever? Maybe others have a better understanding of how these things work, and will chip in their insights. But to me, if they're being responsive enough to your (valid) concerns to offer to send an officer, take them up on it.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 04:28 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
pretty sure she cannot contact me and cannot come near me or my son or anyone in my family.

i wish i knew what she meant in that message. im terrified that she is pregnant (knock on wood please).


Oh, more likely just that she wants you to THINK that might be.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 04:28 PM
well, they told me my report from sunday is already being processed so i dont know how important filing another report is. he is home sick and is very involved and will be very afraid if the police are here, not to mention he will tell my husband.

the police told me it is not pressing for me to file it again right now, that i can come down to the station even tomorrow.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 04:29 PM
Originally Posted By: Kettricken
JMHO, but I don't know how seriously you will be taken if you keep putting the cops off like this. I understand you want to protect your son, and that is admirable, but why can't you send him to his room to play for the duration of the phone call or the visit or whatever? Maybe others have a better understanding of how these things work, and will chip in their insights. But to me, if they're being responsive enough to your (valid) concerns to offer to send an officer, take them up on it.


I absolutely agree.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 05:50 PM
well here is some good news - got the application for that nice apt complex in the mail, i was on a waiting list.

hoping to get it all filled out and returned in the next 2 days and get this rolling so i can enroll son in school and tell him we are moving.

this is what i should be focused on, not the crazy psycho. still wondering what were message meant and why h has not called.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/21/09 07:55 PM
h finally called, all nicey nicey....so i said, hey did u get my messages and he said, no what messages. i said, that son is sick. he was in shock and was like, um no whats wrong? when did u call?

i said, i sent u a text at 5 am and left a voicemail. he never got it. i told him what was wrong with son and then told him i was getting calls in middle of the night and the crazy text message.

he got all bent out of shape about it and said something like, whatever the messages say are lies, its finished, the calls are done. then he said something like he doesnt know who started it.

seems pyscho likes to tell him i call her, text her etc. i was like, u know ive had nothing to do with this.

he really didnt want to talk about it.

did they smooth everything over already and things are all fine and dandy now?

do we think she will call again?
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/22/09 03:59 AM
I think that she will continue to try and contact you until something is done to put a stop to it. You are doing the right thing by filing a report agianst her and possibly getting a restraning order.

If that text came from her, it was probably a ploy to get you all riled up. It seems that is her favorite game to play. What did your son say about all the screaming that he heard from his dad or about all the phone calls?

I understand your hesitancy on conducting any kind of police visit with your son around. It would be unfair to have him hear you mention his daddy to the police. I am behind you 100% to not have the police come to your house when your son is there.

I am hoping and praying that you get this apartment that you are filling out the app for. I am also praying that the psycho is not pregnant!!! Hang in there. You are doing great.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/22/09 05:24 AM
doodles, I think that the only intention of that message was to freak you out. And I think that its something that your H actually admits that everything she says is lies. How strange that he would have to want to anything to do with someone who he has to explain away like that.

I hope that you can find some peace now, and that she really will leave you alone, though part of me really hopes that she gets just enough rope to hang herself with.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/22/09 11:08 AM
i have to say, this whole love triangle thing is making me backtrack in my progress. the other night, with her calling, invading my home while we were all sitting at the kitchen table, made me feel like they were going to be done, like he was going to leave her. not so much that he would come back to me, but they would be done.

and are they? dont think so.

and i shouldnt care. i was moving on, doing things to move forward, and i feel myself slipping,.

i dont want to go to family court, i dont want to deal with this stuff.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/22/09 12:07 PM
im getting ready to leave for the police station and family court.

im doing the right thing, right?

i feel myself slipping, not wanting to request the money, but its the right thing, isnt it?

i find myself considering trying to talk to him about the money, not wanting to go through with this, but on the other hand, havent i played nice enough?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/22/09 01:17 PM
YES, YOU HAVE, and you are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing. For yourself, and for your son.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/22/09 05:12 PM
i got the paperwork for the child support, of course it cant be filed on wednesday! as if one should know that!

went to the police, dropped off the phone records, they told me to call at 5:00 when my officer assigned to my case is in.

i showed the text to the officer and she was like, um, she is truly a troubled person...
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/22/09 06:28 PM
im having alot of trouble with the letters going back and forth with our attorneys. granted, we certainly havent gotten anywhere near a settlement, but im so not interested in a separation/divorce.

i do not like seeing our names vs. eachother.

i guess im lucky im in ny, its a fault state so i can argue just about anything since he has no grounds on me.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/22/09 09:14 PM
I know how you feel about seeing your names at the top of the papers and it says vs. between you. Kinda reminds you of a caged fight on some wrestling show. LOL

Take a minute a breath. Remind yourself that you are doing this for your son and that your H really isn't helping out finacially like he should be. You are ABSOLUTELY correct in filing the papers to get support. Do your best not to waiver from it. It is a scary process but in the end you'll be able to feel 'free' knowing that you have tried your best to secure finaces for your son.

Keeping reminding yourself that you would not be in this situation if he had not put you there in the first place.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/22/09 09:54 PM
thanks...u are so right, he put me in this position.

spoke to my officer, im going to criminal court on friday to apply for the order of protection, he is putting out the warrant between now and then.

the problem will be the police locating her. the last known address is not where she lives. i gave him the cross street of where she is now, but its not good enough.

hopefully someone at the old address will know of her, it is an all polish area.

she will be served with the order and then arrested. he said that even if a judge doesnt find the warrant justified, i would still get the order.

h is going to flip!
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 12:38 AM
Good -- let him.

You're having to turn to the police to do what HE took a vow to do:

PROTECT YOU.

And your son.

The fact is, it's unconscionable that you even had to DO this.

Puppy
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 03:22 AM
wow, good for you. Having the police take such a hardline on this is great. I feel like they are validating you and your stance that what she is doing is not right, I appreciate what they are doing.

I didnt expect for her to be arrested, but that is what she deserves! She has been stalking you as far as Im concerned.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 03:29 AM
oh wow, things are real ugly. real ugly. police called and left her a message that she will have a warrant out for her arrest or she can turn herself in and be arraigned.

well he has been flipping on me like u dont even know.

that i should do him a favor and drop it. i was like a favor?

so many details, too much to write.

he told me he will never be seen again, never see his son again because of this. he will dissapear.

what does son have to do with this?
Posted By: whatdidido Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 03:36 AM
Just remember you are doing the right thing, mdoodles. You need to stop taking his calls. He is going to say anything right now.....he is panicking. Get a friend to come over. Turn off the phone. DO whatever you need to do, but don't talk to him until she is locked up and he has cooled down. If you are worried about your safety or your son's (from this OW), I would call the police.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 03:39 AM
thanks. u are a right.

im also bothered because i questioned the baby thing again and he was weird about it and said he will know in a few days.

i wonder if he questioned her text to me and and she lied and said maybe she is pregnant?

please pray that she isnt. i dont need that too..
Posted By: K4D Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 03:43 AM
Prayers are coming your way.

I have been following your thread only because it is so different. lol. Its like reading a psycho soap opera happening. I hope and pray for the best outcome for you.

Kevin
Posted By: whatdidido Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 03:43 AM
I'm guessing with his statement that "he will know in a few days" means she said she was pregnant. Whether she is or not changes nothing about what you need to do right now. Someone is lying and it is either your H or the OW or both of them.....lots of lies and untold truths.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 03:53 AM
the thing is, i do not feel bad for psycho one bit. not one bit. and im a nice girl but i have no emotion for her. i didnt do this. she did it unprovoked and didnt stop. not only did she harass me and taunt me, she deleted messages sent to him from me regarding our son. he knows it and didnt deny it.

she deserves consequences. i said to him - im supposed to back down, let this go, so she can feel relief? i dont think so.

i told him i told him about it and he told me not to bother him with it. i texted him to please ask her to stop and still got calls.

he told me if i go thru with this son will never see him again. i said, what does son have to do with this?

doesnt make sense. then told me i have f***ed everything up for myself going forward.

and im still worrying that she is pregnant. u think she lied to him and said she was to cover for her messages to me?
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 03:56 AM
He just panicking Im sure. You are in this position because of HIS actions, maybe he should have done YOU a favor and not been a man-slut! It is certainly not your fault that he had to go screwing around and brought this dangerous woman into your and your sons life, TWICE! Dont ever let him try to turn it around on you.

Why would HE disappear because of what shes done? It seems like a fairly minor issue to go on the lam for. I think that hes just panicking and saying the first stupid thing that comes to his mind.

Congratulations doodles, on being brave enough to stand up for yourself and your child and not letting him talk you out of it so that this abuse can continue.

We are all hoping for the best for you and your family.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 03:58 AM
You know what, if what you need to do to go forward with him is to allow him to have a girlfriend, then let them have eachother. You deserve better than that. Its BS, and Im positive that deep down he knows it.

Its like smacking someone and saying "Look what YOU made me do!"

Want me to spit in his coffee for you?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 04:24 AM
thanks bluerain. im a mess. i didnt do anything wrong. and his mother and whoever else can sit and say she was wrong but didnt need to go to jail etc. u know what? cops dont just arrest people unless its justified.

im panicking that she is pregnant. could that be my luck that that happens at this same time?

i dont want it to be.

i think i heard her crying in the background. good. its time she feels bad. she taunted me plenty, im sure laughed about it.

i said to him, why did she need to keep harassing me? she has her unemployed prize. she stole my husband. so what does she want from me?
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 05:30 AM
I guess my advice to you as far as your fear that shes pregnant would be to try to no think about it. Worrying about this is totally a waste of your energy, it wont help you at all.

She deserves what she gets, and if they dont like it then they can vote for different judges the next time its on the ballot. If they were the ones putting up with this harrassment Im sure that they would be singing your tune. She was asked to stop, and when that route didnt work, you tried something else. just like DBing, you tried something, saw it didnt work, and tried something else, no cheeseless tunnels for doodles!

I know that this is much harder on you than we can see, and Im so sorry, you dont need this stress right now, but just remember, that things will change, this too shall pass.
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 05:35 AM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
he told me he will never be seen again, never see his son again because of this. he will dissapear.

He is being a Drama King!

I heard the same exact thing from my W when her mother found out about her A because I had confided in W's brother what was going on (my mistake). She added the most beautiful phrase - "I'm going to F myself up in the bars and then live on the streets."

I am more concerned about you and your son's safety with a very irrational woman right now. I would have some pepper spray just in case.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 11:04 AM
i hardly slept and son is still sick meaning no camp again.

i wonder if she turned herself in last night.

i still cant believe he could even ask me to do him a favor and not do this. is he kidding?

a favor? do this trash of a person a favor?

i have no feeling for her. nothing. she is a homewrecker who not only stole my husband, taunted me for weeks on end with it. and in the past as well.

i get he lied to her and still does. doesnt make what she did ok.

dont come to this country and pull this and get away with it.

imagine i would have backed down? so they could rest easy last night? how would i have felt? what good what it have done me to "do him a favor"?

and he was still lying last night in front of her last night to cover his tracks, i heard it and cant believe 2 people that constantly lie to eachother are together.

and what if she is pregnant. i pray she isnt. please pray she isnt.
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 12:14 PM
(((((mdoodles)))))

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Like I said on your other thread, do not back down.

Stay strong girlfriend. You need to regain some control over this. Letting her get away with it will only empower her to keep doing things like this to you or worse.

The pregnant thing....let it go. I am imagining she is using it as a scare tactic for you and a desperate attempt to keep your H.

I pray she isn't. In reality though, if she is it won't change today. Your H is with her right now pregnant or not. I am sorry to say that. It is a fact.

It's a hard lesson to swallow, as the LBS we need to face the facts. I understand this is very hard to do, boy do I ever.....

Your H is talking out his a$$ for insuating if you go forward with the charges you and little son will never see him again. Remember, you don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see. This is crap talk. H is trying to scare you into conforming. Don't. If H really wants to be this way, let him....who's he really hurting here????? You??? Way too late for that. Little son??? No way, he won't be able to follow through cause it's all crap talk.

I agree with the others stop taking H calls until the dust settles on this. I think by stopping to take his calls H will realize he isn't going to win this one. IMO H could have controlled his OW and her harrassing behaviors instead he chose to bury his head in the sand.....thus, H will have to suffer the consequences right along side of his "P-B" OW.

(((((mdoodles)))))

We are all here for you, lean on us.....

Sanderika
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 01:02 PM
im so upset, so in knots. i dont regret my decision but the whole thing is a mess.

i didnt do this to him. he did this by having an affair. she did it by harassing me and im the bad guy?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 01:10 PM
NO, YOU'RE NOT. He is just SAYING you are, and he is DELUSIONAL.

You know this. Doodles, of all the really difficult decisions you've had to make, and things that others of us on this board split and disagree on, this is ONE thing where EVERYONE is saying you did the right thing.

Strength and honor.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 01:27 PM
thanks puppy. i wish i didnt feel so in knots. i want this feeling to pass.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 05:19 PM
One day at a time doodles. Maybe your goal for tomorrow could be to feel better. To do what it takes to feel better. You could go to the store and pick up some of those cheap little spa things, you know the foot scrub and peel off masque or whatnot, take a bath, and laze around in your robe watching crap tv with a thick blue clay mask on your face, gee, guess what I do when Im down?

I agree with puppy, this is maybe one of the most unified fronts that we have presented on this board. This is HIS fault, and just like a teenage boy (which is what the WAS's always seem to become) hes going to try to make it your fault.

Well, let me ask you this: if in 11 years your son, IDK, gets bad grades on his report card, and you wont let him have the car keys, is it your fault if he sneaks out? No matter how much he tried to convince you it was, you would know, absolutely unequivocally know, that he was wrong and in his passionate fit throwing was hurling blame at you, instead of being accountable for what he had done.

So, next time your H sticks his little lip out and pouts because you never let him hang out with homewrecking crazy polish skanks! just remember to not let his poor actions influence what you know is the right thing to do.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 08:08 PM
thanks. wish i could do something nice tomorrow but im going to court for the order of protection. maybe this weekend i can get my nails and toes done, as well as a massage.

son is still sick, took him to the dr. i feel like im trapped in a time warp, i havent gotten nothing done. its always worse when im trapped at home. i need more boxes to pack. i need to finish planning my garage sale, havent even had a chance to get signs made.

i miss my husband, the man he used to be. and im too stubborn to fully see that he isnt around. i mean i see it, but im too stubborn to stop wondering how it could be that he is so different now. i need to accept it.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 08:33 PM
Doodles, just caught up on your thread. All I have to say is: GO DOODLES GO DOODLES GO!!!!! You are so doing the right thing and I am proud of you. Of course, I can relate, when my H's crazy OW attacked me, I processed the case and H was pissed off. He wanted me to stop but I didn't. when the district attorney needed his testimony and he didn't want to, I had them subpoena him. Again he was pissed - but you know what - I WAS RIGHT and I would do it again. You will see very soon how so right you are. Girl, be the strong one here. Your H is weak right now and whacked out - why should you be. I know it feels hard right now and it hurts. It was hurting when she was harassassing you too. It's one thing that she has your H, why rub it in. Show her who's boss her. I'm proud of you!!!!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 08:41 PM
thanks vicky, i appreciate it. how are u doing these days? i wish we could exchange numbers considering how muchu can relate and how close u are to me....

i still dont know if she surrendered last night, im hoping the officer on my case will call me. im supposed to go tomorrow for my order of protection. what happens after that? do u know?
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 10:20 PM
Well, to be honest the legal system is terribly frustrating as well. The prolong the case forever which adds to the stress. OW in my case had to keep going to court every couple months and the good thing is that they kept renewing my restraining order. But my case ended on being settled by putting her on probation and then they closed the case. I actually did kinda drop the case once it became a nucense for me - I was taking several days off for work for it to go to trial and it never would. The police officer even came several times to testify and the case kept being put off. Then my district attorney that I already had a rapport with changed and I was traveling for work and it would interfere and after a year adn half I was sick and tired of it. And I just gave in and told the new DA to just settled. I couldn't be bothered anymore, but I got my RO in place.

So I'm guessing in your case, if she didn't turn herself in, they will put the warrent out and make an arrest or a lazy detective may drop it but be on his case so that doesn't happen. After that she will deal with the legal system and to be honest the system may consider it a petty crime considering all that they deal with and may just issue a warning with the restraining order. But I can tell you she will be running to court like crazy. That's all I know for now.

But again, do what you have to do to protect your and your peace. Actions speak louder than words!! Your H and her will now understand that you mean the harrassment must end.

Yea I gotta write an update on my sitch. Will do later on.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/23/09 10:56 PM
havent heard from the officer so i stil dont know if she turned herself in. and honestly, i am so tired, so exhausted, i cant even call to check on it. i assume i will know tomorrow when i apply for the order of protection.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/24/09 12:10 AM
Do you have an aunt that lives out of town or something? Maybe it would be good for you to spend a day or two out of town, away from all of this craziness
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/24/09 02:21 AM
Doodles....

WHOOHOO for you girl!!! You have done the right thing and deep down you know it.

Your H's attack on you maybe because before you filed the papers against her he felt like he had control of the situation and that he could come and go and could do whatever he wanted to you, your son, AND with the OW. Now that the tables have turned and you are the one with control, he has suddenly lost all that he thought he had control over.

I hope that all made sence!!!

I know that when I feel like I have lost control of whatever the situation is with my H or my kid's dads, I feel anger right away and want to lash out. It takes all I have not to do it. Your H just plainly lashed out at you.

The pregnancy thing....I would be upset too and I would be nervous too but like some others have said, even if she is there is nothing you can do about it right now. It is another mess that your H has made for himself and HE has to deal with it not YOU!!!

I pray that she isn't, I pray for strength for you, and I pray all stuff gets ironed out for you soon.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/24/09 11:32 AM
thanks...i appreciate it.

all was quiet last night, i was so tired from everything i got into bed early.

son is starting to feel better, hoping to send him to camp today, he really wants to go, its carnival day. i will see in an hour what i will do.

going to court today to file for order.

i still feel sad, not for psycho girl, just for my marriage in general.

who knows when i will next speak to h or when he will calm down about this.

i know i did nothing wrong and i didnt do a thing to him.

i have such anxiety when the phone rings, worse when my cell rings or beeps with a message. its crazy.

still hoping and praying she isnt pregnant.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/24/09 05:27 PM
i did it, i got the order of protection for myself and my son! i cant tell u how emotional it was for me standing in front of the judge. and there was a possibility that the judge wouldnt grant hte order for my son (i was ready to plead the case) but she granted it! with no problem!!!!

i was in criminal court, with every situation imaginable. crazy to think that i was even there, so surreal.

but i did it. and u know what, h and whoever else can think i didnt need to do this, but if a judge grants it to you, and your child, there is reason. real reason.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/24/09 05:40 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
i did it, i got the order of protection for myself and my son! i cant tell u how emotional it was for me standing in front of the judge. and there was a possibility that the judge wouldnt grant hte order for my son (i was ready to plead the case) but she granted it! with no problem!!!!. . .

but i did it. and u know what, h and whoever else can think i didnt need to do this, but if a judge grants it to you, and your child, there is reason. real reason.



Bowing to your courage, Doodles. Simply amazing, whistle whistle whistle

Puppy
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/24/09 05:43 PM
doodles, my H used to have problems with anxiety and panic attacks, he takes vitamin B-12, its the kind that comes in drops that go under your tongue, he swears by it.

Good for you. You are not a doormat!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/24/09 06:32 PM
thanks puppy. means alot to me. it was extremely emotional today. but i have no emotion for this psycho girl. none. more emotional regarding the fact that it has come to this, that i can actually not worry that h will bring her around son.

i have tremendous emotion for my h and this situation.

but not one ounce for the girl. and im as kind and polite as they come.

bluerain, i could use that! its amazing ive made it this far with only an occasional tylenol pm and "pirin" pill (ever see the movie the birdcage? lol).
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 07/24/09 07:47 PM
Kudos to you mdoodles!!!! Way to go, you did it!!!!

It's amazing how much strength and courage we can muster when we need to protect our children and ourselves.

I can understand your deep emotions today, make sure you take it easy for the rest of the day.

I agree with you about court judges, they issue judgement based on evidence and facts presented. Your judge did good for you both, she recognized there was a real reason and need in your case for the protection order.

I hope you can now relax and breathe easier knowing that you have taken care of the harrassment and protection order, and the OW cannot approach you with hurt and hate any longer.

Good work this week. We are all very proud of you!!!

Sanderika
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/24/09 08:31 PM
Bravo doodles!!!
I am so very proud for you that you took a much needed stand on prtecting you and your son.

I had to do the same thing at one time in my life. Standing in front of that judge is so emotional and your ready to cry and all kids of things are running through your head. I have been there(I have been there for my sister too when she had to do it) and I know exactly what you are feeling.

But now it is done and you can breath a little bit easier. Now what is the next step?? Where are you headed next? Job? Apartment? Support from H?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/24/09 08:39 PM
well, i just picked up my new car. its really nice.

its funny, the car i just turned in, i got it the week things started going down hill 3 years ago - i would say the week he started up his affair.

kinda interesting i turned that car in today. maybe this new car symbolizes my fresh start.

i need to work on the support from h, that will be next weeks goal. i would like to relax the rest of the day. im still anxious and uptight when the phone rings or beeps, still nervous for what h will say or do next. but i am relieved and thanking g-d. it is so true that the universe works in mysterious ways. i was always afraid of son being introduced to psycho ow. now he cant be. atleast not anytime soon.

i need to pack, organize and sell furniture. wanted to do the garage sale, never got around this week to organizing that. oh well.

hope to hear next week about apt status. foreclosure is scheduled for monday, still dont know if that is going to happen.

this is alot to deal with, just trying to sort it all out.

its funny, my marital status is truly the least of my problems.

oh, and still hoping she isnt pregnant. please pray that she isnt.
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 07/25/09 01:25 PM
Good Morning Mdoodles,

Fresh starts can be surprising.....

There's a saying: "Good things come in 3's"

Number One: Mdoodles mustered the strength and courage to
obtain a harrassment complaint and a PO from
OW for herself and little son.

Number Two: Mdoodles, trades in an older car for a new one.
She handled the deal and picked it out all on her
own.

Number Three: Mdoodles, ???

Funny you mention, your son hasn't met the OW. That is very interesting to me. In three years your son hasn't met her. That has only happened because H doesn't want her to meet him.

In my sitch at 47+ months now my son has never met the OW. I assume if my H wanted it, she would have met him. I also assume H doesn't really have enough good feelings, thoughts or respect for her if, in all this time, she hasn't met his only child.

Keep yourself busy, it's the best medicine right now....

Good luck with the garage sale and the foreclosure. Hopefully the mortgage holder will accept your buyer at short sale.

I hope you get the apartment you want. In the nice neighborhood, the gated one you looked at.

I pray the OW is not pregnant, I don't think this is true.

Things will be better and easier, have faith and trust us when we say this to you.....

Have a great weekend.....

Sanderika
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/25/09 03:19 PM
thank you. hope u have a great weekend too. went to the gym, hadnt been there since monday so it was good to go. even ran a few minutes, havent done that in a while.


im still sad, still hoping h doesnt stay mad at me. i do know though that even if it takes a few months, he wont stay angry. i think it will get worse before it gets better, i think reality is hitting him and will continue to hit him when he sees me selling our things and moving.

so far he has not had many consequences for his affair. the credit card debt was a consequence, but not brought on by me.

going forward, he will blame me. blame me for selling things, for her getting in trouble.

but in reality, its the consequences of his actions and i need to constantly remind myself. constantly remind myself that the other night when he was carrying on, he was still lying. lying when he said to me that i told her in may that "he just ran out", when in reality he did just run out! he is still lying and telling her he never came home to me.

when do the lies end? when?
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/25/09 04:02 PM
Blaming you for what he did is a way of trying to spread his guilty feelings around for you to feel too.

He is angry because you actually stood up for yourself. I agree that it may get worse before it gets better but you are strong enough to prevail through it all. It may seem like GOD has put so much in front of you that you don't know how you can possible get through it all but GOD does not do things to us that he doesn't believe you can't handle.

Keep dogging through it all. Have a good weekend.

P.S. Trying to stop thinking about the OW being pregnant. The only way you are going to know for sure is to ask your H outright. Do you think you would get a truthful answer?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/25/09 04:15 PM
i think regarding such a topic, he would tell me the truth, if anything because it would come out anyway.

she has lied about it before so perhaps she is lying again. i hope so.

my mil tells me she is not pregnant, that she asked h and he said no.

i pray that she isnt. although if its not this month, it is possible for another month. it is always a fear of mine. only this time it seemed to be of concern.

if she is, i will not be happy, not ok for alittle bit, but really, their life will not be an escape any longer. most likely he would end up running back to me, not wanting to go through the baby stages again, sex will be nonexistent. and most likely, she would call upon him more to step up than i did.

dont even want to think about it. please pray she isnt. please pray everything turns out ok for me and i will do the same for all of u.

we are good people to be on a site like this, we deserve only the best.
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 07/25/09 06:15 PM
We are praying for you, mdoodles.

Yes, we are good people to be on a site like this, we deserve only the best.

You sound stronger today.

I like seeing that coming from you.

Keep turning to us for strength and support, together as a group we are invaluable. The dedication and concern and information here on this BB is priceless.

We want the best for you,

Sanderika
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/25/09 08:33 PM
Just for coming to this site and telling your story was a big step in admitting what was going on within you. You are strong and have been making progress on your own terms.

I believe that if the OW was pregnant that would ruin your H's good time of being with the OW. It will be his mistake to clean up not yours.

Okay, ask yourself this...What would happen with your love and commitment to your H if she really was pregnant? Could you take him back? Could you ever trust him? Could you spend time with that child (when s/he would be visiting your H) and not resent your H that you would be helping to raise the child that was a product of your H cheating on you? These questions may help you get a better idea of your true feelings for you H now.

My 2 cents....I could never take my H back if he got another girl pregnant.

Anyway, what are you doing this weekend that is focusing on you (and your son) and not your H and the psycho?
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/26/09 02:40 AM
Hi doodles! Hope that you are having a great weekend with your sweet new ride! What kind of car did you get? What color? I want a new car, well a truck, trade in my subaru for a big red dodge ram, not fire engine red, that pretty metallic maroon color.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/26/09 11:08 AM
having a decent weekend. got a manicure/pedicure and massage yesterday, got some packing done and also went out with a friend last night. today maybe i will take my son to the movies since it seems to be a rainy day.

havent spoken to h since wednesday, son did not speak to him yesterday.

will be interesting what occurs tomorrow when he is here. perhaps he wont even come in. i dont know.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/26/09 04:27 PM
im sad today. more than usual i guess is the way to put it.

i miss him. i never stay angry for long, i dont know if its my love for him or just the way i am.

i have to keep separating my thoughts, reminding myself i did not do this to him. when i start to question should i have done the police report, i say - do i feel bad for her? NO. and i have my answer.

my feelings are about him. not her. and i didnt report him. i reported her.

i proud that i can even separate the issue at hand. thats a step in itself.

i dont understand why i still love him so much, why i still want him back. i get that i want our old life, i dont get why with all he has done, i find a way to still miss him and want him.

our mutual friends, who i am still in close contact with, understand. his friend said this - he understands why i hold on, that in a way he (as in the friend) still does too. he is angry with him, but misses who he was, that this isnt him at all and wants to reach out to him and tell him its not too late to return and that everyone will help him...

the best i can do i guess is go on with my life and wait and see at the same time.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/26/09 09:05 PM
took son to the movies. talk about "pushing" myself, i literally was walking into the theatre and had to actually think the word "push" to be able to do it.

rough day. why exactly, i do not know, its no different than yesterday and yesterday i was ok.

i want to go to bed and start over tomorrow.

im nervous to see h tomorrow. not sure what will occur. he called before, i let son talk to him, i did not answer.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/26/09 09:10 PM
I am glad to hear that you took some time for yourself and got to relax a bit.

I feel the same way you do about still loving my H but not the person that he is now. As I say it, I still love him but I don't like him right now. All I can say is, I understand how you feel about that.

When you get to feeling the way you do and you start seperating things in your mind, remember to tell yourself that you had reported what she was doing to HIM and you had asked HIM to help stop her from doing it. HE chose not to help stop her so you had to take the next step to stop her. No, you did not do this to him but he is going to feel like you did if he is as selfish as he sounds to me.

Like I said before, he thought he had everything, a wife still wanting him, a son that still loves him, and another woman on the side that wants him. You showed him that he really did not have everything, so he is lashing out at you becasue he lost some of the control that he thought he had.

You are doing better than I am in my stich, so Bravo to you.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/26/09 09:13 PM
how so? how am i doing better than you? fill me in...maybe i can help you and maybe i can understand where im succeeding that i dont see.

i had to stop this girl. i grew up in the same town as amy fisher. i needed to nip this in the bud now before she showed up. i do believe she would have, maybe or maybe not to harm me, but it would have harmed me mentally as well as my son.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/27/09 12:15 AM
I agree, you spent long enough hoping that she would stop. She didnt, so you ended it, and I absolutely think that you made the right choice.

I was just wondering, do you think that when she said dont hurt our baby she could have meant your H? As in your and her baby, I know thats a really yucky idea, but is it possible?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/27/09 12:37 AM
bluerain, my friend thought of that too! she might have, who knows. i think its possible it was related to the other texts she had sent me in the past that i deleted. she may have made references to a "baby" in them. but she might have meant my husband. or my son. who knows.

i just know she is nutso. and i bet its eating her up that she cant lash out and call me.

i might have left it alone if it was just hang ups. it was the texts, the pictures and the constant spoofing of my number and pranking herself and my husband that bothered me.

i also found out she said i called her last week and she heard my son in the background. a total liar!!

so my house is being sold at auction tomorrow, the bank didnt accept short sale. what a joke. i think my house is bad karma. the original owners went through a divorce and foreclosure too. hopefully i will only be the foreclosure part.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/27/09 11:49 AM
so she turned herself in last night. the officer called me alittle before 11 to tell me he made the arrest and she posted bail. he said my husband was there too (of course, but it makes me sick)...

officer said i wont be hearing from her again, they had a long talk. she did not come out and admit to it but realized with evidence against her is she guilty.

i asked the officer if it was mentioned that she is a mistress. he told me he gets the impression that she just doesnt care. officer gave me the impression that he found her disgusting, he kept saying, she just doesnt care, it doesnt matter to her.

her court date is sept 28. i wonder how h will act today now that this part is over.

im still worried that is she g-d forbid pregnant. i keep thinking the officer knew and didnt tell me.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/27/09 04:48 PM
im so nervous to see him. so nervous. he called son back before, i was in the shower, didnt answer and son didnt answer either.

maybe he wont be as bitter as im expecting if he keeps calling the house.

i know i shouldnt care, but i do. isnt that my problem overall?

i dont know how to not care.

this is the hardest thing i have ever been through and i hope the hardest thing i ever have to face.

my home was sold at auction today. who ever thinks this will happen them? no one. atleast not me. not people like us who were always in top financial standing.

its becoming too much, i can feel it. but, im smart enough to say, dont lose it now, because even if u lose it now, the problems are still there to be dealt with.
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 07/27/09 05:14 PM
Sorry to hear about the home.

I am impressed that you are still holding strong.

It seems like your H has taken a wrecking ball to your life together. The fact that he went with the crazy woman to the police station shows which side he is on.

He is no right to be bitter. You are the one that should be angry. Dont allow him to try and get the upper hand psychologically.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/27/09 07:59 PM
so he is here. im shocked he came in the house, shocked.

he played with son in the back, i saw him on his cell so i just had to yell at to son to see if he wanted a drink. im sure he was talking to psycho and im sure psycho heard me.

i did not talk to him yet. i am staying away. he just took son next door to his parents house.

im hoping for an uneventful visit and perhaps break the silence over the phone in the next few days.

i hate that i care what he is thinking or how he feels. what about me? or maybe i care that he isnt caring what im thinking or feeling. maybe i have shown him in the past nothing im feeling matters because i always forgive him.

not sure that im making sense.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/27/09 10:43 PM
i lost my confidence. i hate this. hate when he has this power over me. when does karma kick in? when does he get to be alone and hit rock bottom?
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/28/09 03:05 AM
Im sorry doodles. I know how it is to have all the resolve in the world until they come around and you lose it all.

Im sure that hes not having the time of his life, can you imagine what living with someone like her is like?

Have you gotten your apt yet?
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/28/09 04:06 AM
doodles, I am so sorry to hear that your house got sold. I was really pulling that the bank would come through for you.

You can read up of my thread if you want to. I guess I am not handling things as good as you are because you seem so very strong about it. You have stood up for what you believe in and you have not let your H (or his OW) walk all over you. I still let my H walk all over me. When I start to stand up for myself, I fell like I end up crumbling. You have prevailed through all of this and are still trudging along. I feel like giving up hope and running the other way.

By the way, I love the fact that you asked your son if he wanted a drink while your H may have been on the phone with the OW. That made me laugh!! smile
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/28/09 11:11 AM
i seem strong? not to me...lol

i have been dealing with this situation for a very long time, with lots of ups and downs...

im doing alittle better this morning, realizing that husband's behavior is more a product of her going to jail than our relationship. and i expected it, just hurts when i see it.

like everything else, it will pass.

i have to go file for child support though, im done letting him get away with things. he will be angry about that too, but he has not a leg to stand on anymore.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/28/09 11:15 AM
i need my confidence back, i need to feel like im in a position of strength, it always seems like he has it over me.

any ideas?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/28/09 07:17 PM
went to file the child support, basically got nowhere because i do not have an address for him. terrific.

looks like i will be approved for the nice apt i wanted so thats a good thing.

i sold my living room set and paid a big chunk of my credit card with the money.

just wait until h sees/hears i sold it.

the ugly is just beginning but i have to remind myself he will simmer down eventually.

i packed a few more boxes, i will be happy when this is over and i am done with the moving process.

of course i found a picture of us from right before we got engaged. so sad looking at him, that is who i married and loved, not the person i see these days.
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 07/28/09 08:51 PM
Did they tell you what options you have now for filing the child support?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/28/09 08:57 PM
well, i could file the petition if i have his address, which i dont. he can refuse it and claim we need to go through supreme court and in that case, i have wasted my time.

at that point, it would go through supreme court but im not interested in bringing this action to supreme court. what i may do is wait and see if he signs the stipulation that keeps him from touching our 401k. if he doesnt sign that in the next week, i have to bring that to supreme court and at that point perhaps will bring up the issue of support.

i hate this.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 03:42 AM
I am not sure if the laws in NY are different than they are here in Iowa but when I filed for divorce on my H, one of the first things that my lawyer did was filed for what was called an injuction. It was said that my H could not sell, hide, or move maritail assests around, including his 401k, his pension, or his annuity account. Why would it be a waste of time to go to the supreme court to get support?


Can your lawyer file something like that instead of having to do the supreme court thing? I had my lawyer state that I could not do it either and he simple took it to the judge and the judge signed it. I did not have to be present and my H was then served that paper along with everything else. Just an idea.

Why don't you have an address? Did he change where his mail is going? What about anything from the bank that may have a different address on it? Go to anywho.com and put her name in to see if it pops up an address, if that is where he is staying? Where are his lawyer papers going? There has to be some way to find out what the address is.

And yes you are strong. I keep caving in for my husband, keep putting up with the BS and then forgiving it and trying to keep making a go at something that is probably a dead end. I am not strong enough to just stand up for myself, walk away, and stop beating a dead marriage.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 05:44 AM
Doodles, is there a way that you can serve him with the child support paperwork? How do you figure letting it go to court would be a waste of time?

I decided that I didnt want to ask H for anything until the D because I wanted to take him to the cleaners during the D. Not sure if that is what would happen or not, probably not because the system in Ak is a little screwy. More than anything, I didnt want to feel like I owed him.

I agree with LnI, you have been very strong, not letting this woman bully you anymore, or your H for that matter, not letting him eat cake, or push you around about the funiture and the money from selling it.

Doing what needs to be done, even though you are scared, is my personal definition of brave, and you have done that again and again.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 11:28 AM
this is what i meant by waste of time - if i go through family court and h argues it is invalid because we belong in suprememe court, family court will not have jurisdiction - meaning my time spent filling out paperwork and waiting at family court is a waste because they cant handle the case.

do not have his address, everything comes here.

i will talk to my lawyer about how to best handle it.

lost in iowa, i would still forgive and still take him back but i am at the survival point now where i cant give in anymore, cant share the proceeds of furniture because i would be left with nothing and i refuse to fund his affair any further when i need the money to move and live.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 12:05 PM
puppy, any advice for how i proceed going forward in terms of my relationship and interactions with h?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 12:22 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
puppy, any advice for how i proceed going forward in terms of my relationship and interactions with h?


That's a pretty broad question, Doodles. I would generally continue doing what you're doing now, conveying a sense of "moving on without him" and confidently pursuing your legal/financial support.

"Gee, sorry, honey, this isn't what I wanted but since you made the bed I figured I needed to make it more comfortable for me to lie in it" is what you're trying to convey.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 12:26 PM
is he going to sense my confidence? i hate that he gets angry but it is expected and i cant stop doing what im doing because i would be hurting myself financially if i did.

he is going to flip when he sees i sold the furniture because he told me not to...but my lawyer said i have every right to do it.

i know i shouldnt care what he thinks but i do. but i also know i have little choice right now than to do what is right.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 12:34 PM
No, you SHOULDN'T care. The only thing you should care about at this point is "doing the right thing," and selling things to pay off debts is right and proper.

"Mamabear" -- that's your motto going forward.

And yes, he will ABSOLUTELY sense your confidence. I assure you, he already has.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 12:37 PM
thanks puppy, this is all so really hard. everything is just coming to a head, the whole ugly situation...

do u think my charging her with harassment pulled them closer together? i dont regret what i did, i think she deserved to get in trouble but i hope i didnt help their relationship.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 12:39 PM
Who knows and who cares?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 12:49 PM
i care. and i cant help it.
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 01:45 PM
The drama of the situation - being arrested may bring them closer together short term. However, their relationship will fail. It is based upon a lie. She is using him.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 01:52 PM
thanks kerry, i sure hope so. must have been failing if she was even bothering to call me and taunt me and set me up.

i dont care if he comes back to me in the end, it just means something to me that they do not end up together.

i hate that he lied his way back to her, continues to lie and say he didnt even come home to me.

i hope it catches up with him. and soon.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 04:01 PM
Hey doodles,

Read up on your sitch. Couple things, her getting arrested may bring them closer short term, when my h ow got evicted it got them closer, so close that they lived together. But what, it didn't last. It nevr was going to and everyone knew it. Time is a great healer... time really does more than we ever can. But patience is sooooo hard.

Btw, just something I was going to tell you, I remember my sister telling me that when a woman is pregnant she really doesn't get arrested and sent to central booking, most times just a desk appearance ticket to appear in court. I'm not sure how they processed your ow but just a thought for you to consider.

Stay strong. I know how you feel. i'm so nervous in my sitch as well. I see my H's games but I just want to handle things with my head and not my heart right now but the heart is so strong of a muscle. I need to keep posting b/c I need all the advice I can get right now.

I will send you an email address for us to contact each other.
Posted By: Kimmie Lee Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 05:40 PM
I guess I am astonished that you have allowed this sitch to continue for well over three years.

can you say "cake-eating?"
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 05:56 PM
it has not been "well over 3 years" and i did not know about the affair until april 2008.

vicky, im hoping and praying she isnt pregnant, just another one of her lies and stories. he says no but i know i cant trust his answers anymore. the officer told me she turned herself in and he made the arrest and she posted bail. she has a court date in september. that is all i know.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 08:05 PM
MD....even if she's not pregnant today, she could be soon....that's kind of how it works and yes, doodles, she's trying to get pregnant....she has a child, whatever happens between she and H is irrelevant....she gets to say. Our federal government will not send her without her child.....her child is a US citizen if born here....she is using him and probably for this.

MD, have you thought about shutting him out completely and moving on?
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 08:37 PM
I somehow get the feeling that if you do find out she is pregnant that will be the deal breaker for you.

And if it is a deal breaker, you will still need to come to terms that your son will have a half sibling.

Somewhat unrelated story... When my wife gave birth via C section to our 2nd (daughter), she had her tubes tied at the same time (the factory was closed). She then insisted that I have myself fixed also. I went to see my doctor and told him that she wanted me fixed so that if we ever got divorced that I could never father another child. My doctor told me that my wife was very selfish and that he refused to let me have the operation. What a relief for me!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 08:41 PM
the consensus is that the likelihood of her being pregnant right now is slim to none...she lied to me in november about it, telling me she is pregnant with his child and that he is living with her to take care of her blah blah blah. she lied. so most likely she is lying now too. most likely she has been trying to get pregnant for almost 3 years....

im not ruling it out but based on her history or lies and conniving manipulating behavior, this is another one of her stories, in addition to her latest actions of spoofing me to call h and spoofing me to call her...she went as far as to tell him last week, while he was with me, that i called her and she heard my son in the background. she is a liar...
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 08:49 PM
One thing my counselor asked me to do during my marriage crisis was to come up with a definitive timeline of how long I would continue waiting for my W to pull her head out of her ass. The counselor had seen some cases where people had waited years only to have the marriage ultimately fail. It helped for me to have an end date in my mind so that I knew that I was not going to have the uncertainty last indefinitely.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 08:55 PM
with me, i had a deadline of my birthday( which was in june) and/or when our home sold...i set that deadline early in january/feb....but he came back end of march/beginning of april so that kinda set me back alittle because i had him. had him home and we opened the business.

and i told myself i was done around memorial day but i always fall back and so does he. right now im moving forward in terms of packing, selling and moving in the next few weeks and im doing it all without him.

but i still hold out hope he will return and return to the person he once was.

and i dont think i will ever give that up, if i havent yet...
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 09:57 PM
MD, it is so hard to give up the hope and the dreams that a person has. When anyone gets into a relationship, they have dreams and goals. No One expects those dreams to stop one day. It's okay to still have those dreams and hopes. Sometimes they allow us to get through the day and the long nights.

I think that you have been moving forward at your own pace and you are doing a good job of detaching like everyone was telling you to do along time ago. You have just done it at your own pace.

I agree about the fact that she is probably trying to get pregnant so that she can keep her little claws in your H. What better way to keep him in her life and probably stay in the country than to get pregnant?? I hope and pray that she is not and that she is lying to him and you about it.

Keep going, girl, you are doing great.

(Just a note...I am going on vacation for 5 days, so I will catch up with you when I get back. Hope I get to read good news whenI return!!)
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 10:07 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
with me, i had a deadline of my birthday( which was in june)

My bd is in June also - on the 11th. Found out that John210 over in separated has the same birthday as myself and we are now considered long lost brothers (along with Joe Montana).

I kept setting my deadline back each time too. It is hard to not give up hope, but once you do, it is fairly easy to move forward.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/29/09 10:39 PM
u are so nice lost in iowa! i hope u have a good vacation...im doing the best that i can, the longer u hold on, the harder it is to let go...and even when i think i let go, im still holding on...but right now, i am moving forward regardless.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 07/30/09 05:09 AM
Doodles, I dont think that you need to give up hope. You need to change the focus of your hope. You need to start being hopeful for YOUR future.

Things will get better, and you and your son are going to recover from this, youve already started your healing, even though it hurts like hell right now.

Your H on the other hand, wont have such an easy time. Shame is a heck of a thing to overcome, and soon he will realize that. He will spend a long, long time getting over what hes done.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/30/09 11:26 AM
thanks bluerain u are right...

spoke to my lawyer yesterday to follow up on the stipulation that was sent to my h regarding retsraining our 401k. he has not signed it yet nor has his lawyer responded in any way.

ya know, if he wanted a legal separation/divorce so badly, one would think his lawyer would be in constant contact with mine and/or he would be pushing me.

i decided that if they do not sign the stipulation, i am moving it to supreme court to have the asset frozen and i will make the motion for child support there as well.

my lawyer said that doesnt mean i have to go forward with the divorce, that i can contest it plenty if i choose, which i intend to do.

im not interested in changing my marital status right now, just interested in protecting my money and getting my support.

in the meantime, i have the address for psycho ow and i assume he lives there. i may provide that address to child support bureau to have him served with the petition for support.

i guess these steps show my progress and the moving forward.
Posted By: kat727 Re: he was back, i think - 07/30/09 12:22 PM
No one is going to look after you better than you. You are doing the right thing. Chin up hon.

kat
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/30/09 08:36 PM
so i have all kinds of crazy people ringing my bell, looking in the windows and trying to open my door. it seems once a house forecloses, it becomes a free for all for people to attempt to look at it, even though i live here!!!!!

combine that with a fear that psycho girl is still after me, and my nerves are shot.

i went out and my alarm went off, central station called me. i went home and the police came. nothing had happened, but i alerted the police to my situation and they are going to patrol the area.

the worst part is that this whole foreclosure mess is h's fault, h's problem and he never feels the affects of it.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/30/09 09:01 PM
Put a doberman in your front yard, on a chain long enough to reach the front of your house but not long enough to get into the street or sidewalk.

Foreclosure Nazis!!!!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/30/09 09:58 PM
seriously! it so annoying, as if i need anything else to deal with!

just got in, h called while we were out and just tried again...i let son answer...im amused that he keeps calling, if he was so angry with me, wanted nothing to do with us, he wouldnt call, he would just let son call him when he wanted to...

i do much better until the phone rings, its a reminder that he is calling from somewhere, not from work (still dont know if he is hiding a job) and it reminds me that he isnt home.

but overall, i really think im pulling it all together. i really do. i have my moments but im hanging in....im just so happy my credit is ok, i was approved on the apt with no help from anyone and thats a big deal because h couldnt get one right now! he cant anything unless he uses cash, and without a job, well, he doesnt have that either!
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 07/31/09 12:19 AM
You're gonna make it, Doodles.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/31/09 12:26 PM
thanks puppy, i sure hope so...

busy with more packing today and someone is coming to purchase my son's baby furniture. not a great price but its better than nothing and atleast i wont have to store it. i look forward to the day that i need to buy baby furniture again...

my son has a talent show at camp one night next week. i think i will send h a text telling him when it is and then it will be up to him to attend.

im still wondering if he is working somewhere off the books. not so sure how to find out.
Posted By: whatdidido Re: he was back, i think - 07/31/09 02:03 PM
Could hire a P.I. or a friend to follow him.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 07/31/09 05:24 PM
PI or a friend, I agree.
Otherwise, that's the point of being off the books, so no one knows. But he has to be doing something....do his parents have the ability to help him right now?
My H has his own place (which he regrets now) and it's his parents who are paying for it.
Does ding-bat have money?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/31/09 06:06 PM
i cant imagine his parents are helping much, maybe gas money but thats it. his porsche is in collection, maybe his other car too,i dont know.

he must be doing something and i need to find out. im sure it is off the books because creditors would find him if it were on.

if ding-bat means psycho ow, i dont think she has much, she must work off the books, maybe as a housekeeper or something. she used to work in his factory when she first came to this country.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 07/31/09 09:49 PM
check my other thread under mlc.

h snuck into the house when i ran out for 30 minutes and took stuff, his tools and our paintings...

he was also out here with someone (hope to g-d it was not her) because he took his father's truck, so someone else is driving his car.

spoke to him on the phone, he is demanding money for the items i have sold. i told him no.

i told him its my right to sell and use the money to pay bills and to live because he hasnt supported us.

he said he needs money too. i said, so get a job.

he was carrying on so, he must still be mad about pyscho going to jail.

he was so nasty, said he has nothing to talk to me about, wants nothign to do with me,... i said, u called me...

how he wants to move on and is giving up on me etc.. told me i can have money when we divorce, i said, yeah, divorce? good luck with that...

he thinks everything is so simple, so cut and dry...

he thinks he can just decide now that he is done with me (as if he is ever done) and that its 1-2-3 we split everything.

i dont think so.

ive waited for this. i have documented everything i would ever need if it came to this. and he has no clue.

thank g-d i live in ny, a fault state.

he is at fault my friends and will not get away with it...
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/01/09 12:09 AM
ok so im feeling bad that i changed our alarm code. but i had to. i dont feel comfortable running out to do an errand not knowing if he is showing up to take things while im out.

i must be stronger than ever to even change it and tell him i changed it.

but i feel bad. i never wanted this.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/01/09 12:22 AM
I asked my H to not come to the house without letting me know, or when Im there. I told him that I didnt want to have to look around and see what he took everytime. I was prepared to change the locks, but he didnt do it again. I hated the feeling that he had been there, but was too much of a chicken chit to tell me.

I think that this is just another example of how you arent letting him push you around anymore. Good for you! Im sure that she isnt allowed to be in your home as per the protective order, right?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/01/09 12:26 AM
she hasnt been served yet with the order so im not so sure she knows about it...i cant imagine he would bring her into my home, as soon as u walk into our house there are pictures of us everywhere.

im proud that im standing up for myself. does he notice? he just seems so angry.

i so dont want this. if he changed his tune i would forgive him. we all know that. i miss who he used to be.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/01/09 02:07 AM
Trust me -- he notices.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/01/09 11:32 AM
he may notice but i dont think he is liking it.

i guess it doesnt matter. i dont have a choice.

i feel really bad about the whole thing, but he put me here, he made this mess.

i wouldnt be changing the alarm code and selling our furniture and moving if he didnt have an affair, leave the house, his job and spend all of our money.

does his brain not see that?

my lawyer told me i can sell my appliances since the house foreclosed, i will see. i think i would have to give him something from that, although i really dont want to.

i just want to move already. i think once im out of our home, the tension should ease slightly.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/01/09 12:44 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
he may notice but i dont think he is liking it.


He's respecting it, which is far more meaningful.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/01/09 12:50 PM
how do u figure he is respecting it? doesnt look that way to me. he doesnt want to talk to me, wants nothing to do with me.

and i dont have a choice, i cant back down because im doing the right thing.

but i hate it. i miss him.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 08/01/09 05:39 PM
I can't wait for you to get your new place. It will be hard without him but it will feel a little better I think since it's a start without him where there's no history attached. Doodles I was thinking that you should be excited about this place actually. This is your chance to send a fabulous message to your H that you are not going to tolerate nonesense. it's an opportunity being presented to you here. Get your place, make it quite comfortable for you and your son, and send the message that if your H wants to be a part of that, he can only do so under certain conditions. Please don't give him a key, let him earn that key. You will be sad at times, of course, that's human, but you have a wonderful opportunity here in disguise that he has presented to you. Either your H get on board with the boat or more so cruise ship (more fun and luxurious) or the cruise leaves without him. Use this opportunity for what its worth. You can do it since you've been doing so great. CONGRATS in advance. Hugs.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/01/09 05:43 PM
thanks vicky, just got in from the outlets, happy to see your post.

i do want him with me, is that odd? i miss him, i really do, and i have trouble seeing him to be this ugly angry person.

i took son to see where we are moving to this morning, i broke the news to him. he was fine. he is excited that there is a nice pool and a nice clubhouse where he can play basketball and tennis.

im afraid for monday when i see h. how do i handle it when he asks for money from selling our stuff?
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/01/09 06:03 PM
Give him $7.25. Tell him that you charged a fee for finding the buyer, advertising, and cleaning the items to get them ready for sale, as well as their heated, dry, insured storage. In this economy you had to take your best offer, unfortunately it wasnt that much, but seeing as how you dont exactly have the extra coin to spend on a storage unit, since he spent it all on her nasty box, (another "storage" metaphor, if you like) the offer seemed good to you.

THEN, you should tell him to not spend it all in one place! grin
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/01/09 06:44 PM
very funny. i like it!

unfortunately im not a very good liar though. im not sure how i will handle the interaction. and certainly, if he is nasty, i wont even get into any discussions. i may just refer him to his attorney.

i hate the whole thing. i really do.

im waiting here for someone to come purchase our swingset.

im also searching the web for good flights to florida, thinking of visiting an old friend during winter break in december.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/01/09 11:01 PM
i just want to move already. i want out of this house, as much as i love it and will miss it, im ready to go.

i cant be next door anymore to my in laws. i love them and they love me, but its too much for me now...h took his father's truck yesterday and still hasnt brought it back. im tired of knowing i can look out the window and wonder if he will be pulling up.

i dont want to know from it anymore. if i didnt live next door, i wouldnt even know that someone drove him out here to take the truck. i have no clue why he took it and it doesnt even matter! its just that im here to witness things and dont want to be.

oh and did i mention that since he is angry at me for selling things, he hasnt called son...

its amazing how right i am that he ties me and son together. its not right. he is a crummy father. one day he will wake up, right? one day he will so see the damage he has done. i think on some level he sees it already and then buries those feelings under his ugliness.

but one day he will feel bad and want his family back. one day.
Posted By: kat727 Re: he was back, i think - 08/01/09 11:47 PM
Someday maybe, but you will drive yourself crazy waiting for the day he gets it. You need to save yourself and your son from this chaos. I truly believe it will help when you move and you will know even less of his coming and going. You are right, it is painful to watch...so pull the blinds until you can go.

kat
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/01/09 11:48 PM
I think that he buries it under shame. Tells himself that your S deserves better maybe. No, what your S deserves is for his father to want to be a better man.

And yes, he will wake up one day. I beleive that he will deeply regret what he has done. Maybe he will come around in time to still salvage some of his R with you, and his son. Thats why you have to do these things for you and your S. Just move on, maybe he will be lucky enough to pull his head out before you have truly had enough. Maybe not?

Kats right, pull the blinds until you can go.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/02/09 12:01 AM
u guys are right. so right.

i hate that i miss him. i hate that he is angry. why dont i ever stay angry with him? its not fair lol.

i hate that even when im angry it gets nowhere, no reaction, doesnt matter. it doesnt pay to get angry.

i cant believe he didnt call. well, i guess i can believe.

i hope they are fighting. i really hope so. its time she leaves him. or he leaves her.

it stinks that i have one single friend. if 50% of marriages end in divorce, why do i not know anyone divorced?
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/02/09 02:58 AM
I only have one single friend too, I know what your talking about. It can get awkward sometimes.

The statistic I kept thinking of was, if 80% of marriages survive infidelity, how am I in the minority here? I am middle class, white, average everything! I have never been in the minority for anything, why does this have to be the time I end up in the losing 20%?!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/02/09 12:34 PM
puppy, how do i handle the money discussion that will come tomorrow? he is going to be here and will demand money for what i have sold. i do not want to argue or engage him, i do not want to start a battle where i need to defend myself.

what do i do?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/02/09 01:02 PM
Originally Posted By: bluerain
I only have one single friend too, I know what your talking about. It can get awkward sometimes.

The statistic I kept thinking of was, if 80% of marriages survive infidelity, how am I in the minority here? I am middle class, white, average everything! I have never been in the minority for anything, why does this have to be the time I end up in the losing 20%?!


I've never heard that 80% figure. That sounds a little high to me. It's CERTAINLY possible for a marriage to survive infidelity, with both partners willing to work at it and with the help of a good MC and some systems in place to make sure it doesn't happen again, but 80% seems awfully high to me. I'd estimate more like 50/50, but I have nothing to base that on other than my gut.

Puppy
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/02/09 01:06 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
puppy, how do i handle the money discussion that will come tomorrow? he is going to be here and will demand money for what i have sold. i do not want to argue or engage him, i do not want to start a battle where i need to defend myself.

what do i do?



You say "I'll have to ask my attorney about that. It's my understanding that if I need to sell things in order to pay off our marital debt, that I'm perfectly within my rights to do so. I'll get back with you."

You also may want to point out to him that YOU have documentation to show what it was you spent the money on (paying off joint marital debts); can HE say the same thing about the items he took? If you pursue a financial settlement, EVERY DOLLAR is going to have to be accounted for, by both sides, in your financial disclosures.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/02/09 01:11 PM
thanks. i have a receipt for the credit card i paid. do u think its wise to put the rest of the cash i made in my checking account to show what i will be using it for? i would be using it for supermarket debits, target debits and apt expenses...
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/02/09 02:10 PM
Yes.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/02/09 08:02 PM
puppy, I have heard it more than in just one place. I certainly think that there are other reasons that the M might end in the future though, some of them stemming from the A.

One thing that I have found is that among the people that I have talked to about it, a surprising number of them are willing to talk about some sort of infidelity in their past, whether its an EA/PA, or one partner was thinking about it, or with their current M, or a past relationship. That really surprised me. Maybe it could be refined to not include PA, which seems to be much harder to come back from.
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 08/02/09 08:57 PM
Hi mdoodles,

After reading through on this past week, I want to add this:

With your H current frame of mind, it is not absurd that H may have brought OW to your home the day the paintings disappeared. They do stupid things like that in a MLC.

After my sitch started, my H brought his OW here and gave her a tour. It was on a Sunday, he knew I would not be home and he brought her into my home and my barns and showed it all off with pride. YUP, HE DID THIS!!!!

I found out the night she showed up here and assaulted me and told me to stay away from her boyfriend. She told me herself!!!! She told me that's how she knew where I lived and how to find me that night. She even was able to tell me stuff she would only know by having been inside. UNBELIEVABLE, Huh!!!!

You never know how these guys will think or what they will do.

YES, you need to document the cash money from the sale of stuff and how you spend it. Don't under-estimate any tactics he may pull. You protect yourself on this one. Better safe than sorry.
I would make sure it was spent on stuff like groceries and clothes for son to start school, light bill, gas bill, the necessities for sure....

You know too, you can't rehearse the events for tomorrow. My advice is don't try to plan it out. Try not to be nervous, muster the strength to come across as confident and in control. I know you can do this. Once he is there maintain and avoid any/all confrontational discussions. Oh, greet him in a friendly manner and smile. Let the rest happen in "as if" manner....

I will be thinking about you.....you are a very strong lady.

Sanderika
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 10:51 AM
i dont know that he brought her in here, it is all too odd that i suddenly ran out for 20 minutes and that could have happened. no one knew i was running out, neither did i!

anyway, im convinced my in laws saw her last night for a quick dinner. they tell me no, but i do not believe them and im hurt.

he still had fil's jeep, they met him to exchange cars and got dinner at a diner. i said, was she there, they said no. i dont believe them for one second.

and it matters to me because they have lied about it in the past, they have enabled him by allowing him to bring her and they lie for him.

he is a married man, maybe right now thigns are not good between us but even when i didnt know about her, i found out later on that they had seen her. its not right.

atleast if mil would say, we didnt want to hurt you but he brought her, i wouldnt be as angry and upset as now, while she sits here telling me im crazy for thinking she was there.
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 11:29 AM
I have been through the same with my FIL. My MIL died and I am sure this was one of two triggers that brought my H into his MLC.

I got upset with FIL early on in sitch because he was "entertaining" H and OW. I also told him he was condoning and enabling their relationship. I asked him to stop out of respect for me (who is still his daughter in law of 28+ years), and his grandson of 12+ years. My FIL told me that he did not like what his son was doing, it was out of his hands and he would never turn his back on his son regardless of his son's activities.

I was so hurt by his words....

NOW, there is a very different relationship between me, my son and FIL. I am cordial and very distant and guarded with FIL. I do not respect him. I think his choice should have been to tell son not to bring OW around him and the family until I am completely out of the picture.

This hurts, if my H and I can patch things up these people will have guilt and shame. It will be hard to be around them knowing what I do.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 11:38 AM
Doodles, I agree with you. There is a whole world of grey in between "I cannot turn my back on my son" and allowing them both in his house, and even entertaining them.

There are ways he can keep his relationship with his son, and not condone his affair. That's just a load o' crap he's giving you.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 11:40 AM
i feel the same as u. they are enabling them. absolutely. everyone agrees, most likely except for them. my fil once told me that he stayed cordial with h in order to be able to talk to him about what he was doing what they felt he should do.

they are afraid of him, never tell h no. never. and that is part of the problem. he never had a consequence in his life. whatever h did, wanted to do, was ok and terrific.

its not fair. mil is my best friend. atleast was. i live next door.

last year they were in atlantic city, i was walking their dogs over that weekend and months later i found out h was there with psycho as well. not sure that in laws knew they would be there too, but they were in same casino. and i was home walking the dogs! and the next day, h was here, sleeping with me and working on opening a business with me! and they knew!

and last night? after psycho has harassed me basically all year, said and done terrible things, they see her?

so what would happen if they told h nicely, no, we arent meeting her? so he would get angry? big deal. he would have to get over it.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 12:05 PM
Great parents. No wonder he's such an immature idiot.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 12:17 PM
exactly. exactly. he is this way because no one ever stopped him. granted, nothing he ever did was as bad as this, but no one ever disciplined him.

as a kid, he was a class clown type trouble maker, but no one ever disciplined him, his cousin always tells me, the grandfather handled it more than his parents. they always said, oh its h, being h.

they did his school work for him, because he didnt want to. he didnt want to finish college, oh, ok no problem.

yes, sometimes its ok to not finish. but to let it go so easily? without discussion? he did have a good paying job but its not the point. point is nothing was a big deal.

so then he has an affair, leads a double life, wife and child sitting alone in the big house and dont know about affair.

i find out they had seen her while i didnt know, and i heard fil let her come to his dental office to fix her teeth 2 years ago! wtf?

its not right.
Posted By: kat727 Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 12:24 PM
After all this time, I highly doubt what they would say would have any meaning at all. I have been there and done that. My former MIL won't say a peep as she is afraid that he won't come see them if they say anything. So they are disappointed and sad. Can't feel bad for them either. They made their own bed.

kat
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 12:51 PM
u are right...

got a bill for son's eye dr for $930 that insurance didnt cover.

i called to argue it with insurance, they say our policy was terminated when h left his job. told me to take it up with employer becauase i said i have a letter saying we had the coverage longer.

well guess what, it is in h's name. his problem.
Posted By: Kimmie Lee Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 05:34 PM
"afraid....."

People sure spend a lot of valuable time being "afraid." Afraid of what? Of scummy WAS's and ex-FIL's reactions to......what, exactly?? Unbelievable!

Also, how come the OP's are always "psycho?" I mean really, they have cast a spell on poor, unsuspecting WAS's? Who are these oh-so-powerful "psychos" anyway, Yoko Ono?

And what is so attractive about someone who would choose a "psycho" over their loving spouse and child? Just exactly who is the "psycho" in all of these scenarios?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 05:45 PM
im so nervous for him to be home today...of course i look great but im nervous for the interaction if he demands money. im prepared to say, you put us in the position of retaining lawyers, therefore i am doing as i am told and if u have any questions, contact your lawyer.

im still fuming about last night. fuming in general. my shingles pain is acting up of course, which doesnt help any. atleast i dont have the blisters, just the pain. im too young for shingles!

hopefully, he wont even come in the house today and any interaction will be slim to none.

i keep reminding myself just not to engage, not to defend, as much as i would really like to!
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 06:00 PM
Hi mdoodles,

I am back from work. I will be with you in thought this afternoon.

Try and maintain calm, "fake it til you make it", you will be fine. Keep thoughts in logical and solution based terms, save the emotions for after he leaves.

We are all here for you....

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 06:56 PM
things are extremely ugly. he came, knocked, i unlocked door. he played ball outside, then came in. son said they are going to dave and busters. then h came upstairs and asked for money. with son standing there, i tried to deflect and not answer and focus on son.

he didnt let me. he asked again, i said i do not have any money. he kept pushing. i said, u are here for son, take him and have fun.

he went on and on and on and i didnt engage. he said, u think u can just keep everything and sell what u want and keep the money. i didnt answer.

poor son was hearing everything, i kept saying, go play with him and have fun.

then i did answer and say, im paying bills. he said, give me money and i will pay bills. i said, i gave u that chance and u didnt do it.

he told me he will give me no maintenance because he doesnt have to and will work at mcdonalds and u will get $40 in child support.

i said, enjoy your career at mcdonalds. then he told me im not getting anything from his pension, that he isnt signing the stipulation. i simply said ok.

then he turned around and said, i hate you several times.

i said, no, u hate what u have done to your life.

i said to son, have a good time. and h said quietly, directed at me, yeah son, hope u have your clothes for overnight.

i looked at him and said im calling the police. he said, oh im just kidding idiot.

do u love it? he is totally nuts. i called my attorney and left a message.

psycho hasnt been served with order of protection yet so im afraid he is taking son to meet her.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 07:03 PM
the good thing is that im stronger than i used to be and know the ny laws and courts are behind me.

atleast he cant scare me that way. i know he cant get away with what he has done and i know i have done everything within my rights to do.

i hate this.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 08:35 PM
so i called to see the status of his porsche, he somehow made a payment last week. hmmm, no money for child support?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 08:46 PM
Doodles,

Why did more than even one SENTENCE of this happen in front of your son? mad mad That's simply UNACCEPTABLE, and you BOTH have the responsibility for protecting him. You should have cut off the conversation right there, and said "If you'd like to discuss it in private with me, I'd be happy to, but this is not a topic we should be discussing in front of our son," -- AND ENDED IT.

btw, he's clueless about "working at McDonald's" thing. A judge can IMPUTE A REASONABLE INCOME to him, based on what he's qualified to do and what jobs are available in your area. A parent can't just intentionally "under-employ" themselves, to avoid paying either child or marital support.

Puppy
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 08:46 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
so i called to see the status of his porsche, he somehow made a payment last week. hmmm, no money for child support?


DOCUMENT IT.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 08:53 PM
already emailed my lawyer regarding the car payment.

i did my best not to engage h in front of son, kept interupting and cutting him off and saying, ok, have a good time at dave and busters. i did it as often as i could.

the "i hate you" and other stuff at the end, son was outside and didnt hear. but i do not want him even in an evironment where he hears h yelling. and ive told him this.

i know about the imputing of the income. seems like h doesnt, i wonder what kind of a kook lawyer he got himself.
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 09:29 PM
Hang in there mdoodles you are doing good.

I understand how hard it was to be confronted in that manner.

Perhaps next time (if there is a next time), tell little son to go outside immdeiately. My guess he will mind you and do it on the spot.

On your other thread we have suggested to arrange for a meet up place separate from your home. Another thought is you could simply have son at the door the next visit. Upon knocking, son is ready to go and H is not allowed inside.

It will be in your best interest right now to avoid any/all available moments to have a discussion on money, bills, furniture, support, OW, etc. (all the stressful gritty subjects).

The court system will base child and spousal support on an amount H is capable of making based on prior employment records. Mickey D's is a smoke screen H is using to avoid and evade. He is getting money from somewhere to pay a $527/month Porsche Payment. Even under the table employment will not get him off the hook. Most/All States now have zero tolerance policies for deadbeats.

Take care mdoodles, we are on your side and wish things for you to be better soon. Try and have a pleasant evening.

Sanderika
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/03/09 10:24 PM
im doing ok. i think he left feeling worse having said what he did, just based on the way he looked when he came back in the house. i really think if he hated me so much, he wouldnt have come back in the house, making an excuse to look in the mirror as if he needed something to do.

and the shoes by the door? if i were him i would take them already.

i know he doesnt hate me, i think its funny how angry he is, when he knows the only one to be angry at is himself.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 12:07 AM
so this is funny - h called, i put son on the phone. of course h asks to talk to me....in his nice voice (not sure what happened to the "i hate you" voice) - hi, i heard u got a restricted call yesterday. just wanted u to know it was no one from out here (note he cant refer to psycho ow any other way than "someone out here")...

i had told his mother yesterday when i got the call. obviously she told him and obviously he panicked and got back to psycho and questioned her on it. either way she said it wasnt her and either way he doesnt believe her so he calls to smooth it over...

point of my story- ive decided he fears me! he fears what my next course of action would be.

i think its funny. and u know what? its good.

perhaps he may learn to respect me in this process.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 12:22 AM
Just got back and had to read up on your stich. I seen some good things and some progress.

Perhaps he is seeing you as the confident woman you really are!! You are not engaging in the fights, you are not being nasty like he is, you are not letting his childish tantrums get to you. He is seeing this finally. Keep it up!!

I have found out myself that the MIL will always protect the son. It has happened to me too. Then when everything is fine between H and I, she is my BFF again. I am always wary of her.

It does sound like he may be worried about what you might do next. Don't ever play all your cards with him. Keep what your choices are or what you are planning on doing to yourself until its time to let him know.

I think it's funny that he asked you for money. What did he spend his money on? Hmmmmmmm, not his son!! He spent his money on a car. This man's priorities are all out of whack.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 01:39 AM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
im doing ok. i think he left feeling worse having said what he did, just based on the way he looked when he came back in the house. i really think if he hated me so much, he wouldnt have come back in the house, making an excuse to look in the mirror as if he needed something to do.

and the shoes by the door? if i were him i would take them already.

i know he doesnt hate me, i think its funny how angry he is, when he knows the only one to be angry at is himself.


AGREED.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 01:40 AM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
so this is funny - h called, i put son on the phone. of course h asks to talk to me....in his nice voice (not sure what happened to the "i hate you" voice) - hi, i heard u got a restricted call yesterday. just wanted u to know it was no one from out here (note he cant refer to psycho ow any other way than "someone out here")...

i had told his mother yesterday when i got the call. obviously she told him and obviously he panicked and got back to psycho and questioned her on it. either way she said it wasnt her and either way he doesnt believe her so he calls to smooth it over...

point of my story- ive decided he fears me! he fears what my next course of action would be.

i think its funny. and u know what? its good.

perhaps he may learn to respect me in this process.


Doodles, I keep TELLING you this!! grin
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 01:42 AM
doodles, my MIL was a major enabler. She even kept H's A secret from his dad and his brother. I think that its great that he was asking you for money. Can you present him with the receipts from your bill paying? Did you document that he called you a name in front of your son? My car payment is 208, and thats on a pretty nice car, he doesnt need to be wasting all of his money on a stupid car. Or demanding $ from you when he is floundering in the little dream world that he has made for himself.

Also, I think that everyone else is right, you can send your S out of the room when he wants to "talk". If your H wont respect your wishes, you cant make him, but you can control what your S sees and hears when he is with you.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 02:59 AM
You know what doodles, I packed H's crap. Just to get it out of my house. I didnt want him in the house anyway, so it was my choice, I got sick of seeing him everywhere I looked, and he was taking his sweet time to do it. It was a lot of work, but definately worth it.

Though, I think that once you have your apt, it might be better to NOT pack his things!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 10:49 AM
my plan is to pack and move and then let him in to the house for whatever i dont take...

i did not sleep well at all last night, not even sure why because i am actually ok after yesterday.

his attitude did not affect me much, im more amused by his rantings than anything else...

hoping to speak to my attorney today, it is really important to get an emergency motion in supreme court to freeze our 401k. i am positive h will otherwise take it as soon as he can and not give me a penny.
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 11:29 AM
Good Morning,

It isn't so hard to understand why you didn't sleep well, you are under a great deal of stress. Even if you are at peace with
yesterday's events it was still a very stressful day - start to
finish. You might have been dog tired, however your inner mind is constantly churning.

Very interesting that he called all nicey nice and tried to reassure you OW was not the restricted caller. Hmmmmmm

When is he going to realize she is a self-serving liar? OH, I am not accusing her of placing that call, no, not me..........
OK, I am.....

I agree with You and Puppy on this one, he does fear you finally and it's a very very good thing. Mdoodles, you are now driving the car and it will be interesting to see his next move and yours.

Remember you can still DB and be tough with him.

Got to head to work, will check in later today.....

Have a good one....

Sanderika
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 12:45 PM
mdoodles....I know you won't do it and I understand, I won't do it either, but I would love to see his face if you filed he and was served. You've had enough hell for one life time and the next four or five.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 12:59 PM
i agree, however, he served me last year....the only thing he may be served with is the child support petition, although it looks like im leaning towards the motion in supreme court rather than family...

im loving that it appears he fears me, im loving that he appears so pissed off that im not "cooperating" i.e., doing whatever he wants, whatever he thinks is right...im just loving it.

even funnier, i can threaten to call the police and he has to take me seriously! he backtracked his words so fast yesterday when i said i would call the police if he didnt bring son right home....
Posted By: mindfull Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 01:07 PM
Doodles...

I've never posted to you before, but have been following along, partially. I have to post now, because, I am just so impressed with the way you're so courageous in dealing with your M, in doing what's best for your S5 and you. (run on sentence, but can't think of another way to say it!)

Way to go! Keep On Keepin' On!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 01:15 PM
gee thanks! thats means alot to me! its about time i get courageous and deal huh?

no really, i held out so long, kept things as friendly and calm as possible but it reaches a point where u just have no choice.

likes ive said, i may appear as a doormat when it comes to the affection for my husband, but when it comes to money, i cannot let him walk all over us. its one thing when i didnt know about the financial problems, but now that i know, i have to be tough and do what is right.

we all do.
Posted By: mindfull Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 01:17 PM
Rock on, sistah! wink
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 02:29 PM
Mamabear. smirk
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 08:46 PM
A person can only take so much before they stand up and fight for what they believe in. You, my friend, have finally started standing up for what YOU believe in. I am very proud of you.

So when is the big move to the new place?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/04/09 11:21 PM
I will know tomorrow when I am moving - sometime in the next 2 weeks I would say...and I am looking forward to it.

My good friend said something so valuable to me, she said it is actually a good thing that H has been acting up lately because it makes it easier for me to move foward with things I need to do to protect myself as well as be happy about moving.

She is a very wise and valuable friend.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/05/09 01:55 AM
That is a very wise and valuable friend to have. It's always good to have one or two of those kind of friends around when you need them.

I hope that you will get to move sooner than later. It would be nice for you to begin your days at a new place. I sure hope your son likes it there. Have you checked out for schools in that area? Or is it close enough without having to change schools?

You have so much on your plate and you are handling it as well as can be expected. Keep your chin up hon. Good things are just around the corner for you, I am sure.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/05/09 12:32 PM
im only moving 10 minutes away but it is a different school. top school district and my son has one friend in his grade in that school...i will know today when im moving!

i have to say, after h's last episode, i am actually more turned off by him than ever. not even interested in thinking about him or the situation...i guess this really is a process that no one can force and u cant force upon yourself, just has to happen at its own pace. and it feels as though it has.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 08/05/09 02:29 PM
Very true. It's such a personal process isn't it. Glad you're getting stronger and stronger.
Posted By: Yoyowife Re: he was back, i think - 08/05/09 09:08 PM
Mdoodles,
Sadly, you do get to the point you see more bad in them, than good. A few years ago I would never have imgagined my STBXH being so crazy! I know you can totally relate.

Hang in there and continue making a better life for you and son.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/05/09 10:54 PM
It is amazing sometimes what character can come out in a person when they are in certain situations.

I am always amazed when I see the dainty, quiet, church going lady from down the road at the annual 4th of July picnic drunk and with her b@@bs hanging out for all to see every year, then she is back to normal the next day. LOL!!!

Sometimes you just never know where the humor will come in your life.

By the way it is good to hear that you are 'turned off' by your H's behavior. This is a step forward in your detatching from him.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/05/09 11:07 PM
Originally Posted By: lost-n-Iowa


By the way it is good to hear that you are 'turned off' by your H's behavior. This is a step forward in your detatching from him.


Somebody told me once when you get to "disgust," you'll know you're done. We never got to that point, fortunately, and have been able to hold things together since my wife's A two summers ago. But I damned sure got close for awhile there.

Puppy
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/06/09 02:05 AM
Ah LIA, you saw me at the picnic! blush

Doodles, I just read your post about the new place, thats exciting about S school! How big of a town do you live in? Im impressed how you have changed, and how your attitiude has become more positive. You have come to this honestly, and started to see your H for what he is at the worst of times, which is where he is choosing to stay!

YAY doodles!

PS, look out, this is when they come crawling back!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/08/09 11:15 AM
ok, so who has been wondering where i disappeared to? lol

i will be honest, i met a great guy....weird i know, to go from wanting h back to being able to meet someone else.

i think i have been at the breaking point for a while and was finally, totally pushed away from h and totally turned off and ready to move on. maybe the moving was helping that along as well....

this guy is also separated, going through a nasty divorce, has 2 little boys and seems to be a terrific father. it just so happens he lives in the development i am moving to, which i didnt know until alittle bit into the conversation...

even if it goes nowhere (and where could it go at this point anyway in the game anyway?) my eyes are opened again to what life can be.

he took me to a fabulous fancy restaurant on the water and treated me the way i should be treated.

i was not uncomfortable, i wasnt sure how it would be or feel. didnt feel like a first date.

im ready for this. im ready to move on.

im moving this week and very excited about it.

i used to think i would always want h back. im seeing there are nice guys out there, good looking nice guys. guys that want to spend time with their children, fight for their children. oh, and want to be with me and give me the attention i deserve.

h lost his chance. he will want me back one day, no question about it.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/08/09 11:23 AM
I wondered where you went doodles! I think thats its great that you have found someone else to have fun with. I think that sometimes we need a little help healing out hearts and proving to ourselves that we are desireable, not matter what our loser H's do and say. And you might be able to do the same for your new friend!

I would only worry about squandering a great thing with a rebound. Know what I mean? Meeting someone wonderful, but being too F'd in the head from your M to really make it work. Thats how I felt when I tried to date early in my sep.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/08/09 11:28 AM
u are absolutely right bluerain...but i dont think this could go anywhere right now anyway. we are both going through a divorce, i am a full time mother and father, not so free to run wild with some guy...

we already needed to slow it down after the first date...im hoping to see him tonight but i need to pull back my emotions already because im not interested in ending up hurt already!

all i can say is this to anyone reading that feels half the way i used to feel - its does get better. it really really does. i never ever ever ever thought i would feel better. u cant force yourself to recover, u cant move on when your family tells u to. it just has to happen on its own. no one can force it, u cant force it. its a aweful process that i wouldnt wish on anyone. not even on h, as much as i thought i wanted him to hurt like me.

it may have taken me years, but im ok. even if this guy disappears, guys are out there. i never thought i would find someone like h again, who likes what i liked, treated me to things like he did etc. but they are out there. and its not so weird to go out with someone else, when u are ready.

and im ready.

and let me also say this, with my ring off, its amazing the attention u can get!!!!
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/08/09 01:38 PM
Doodles,

I want to take a slightly different tack then the direction I KNOW your thread is about to go, and that is the whole "Is it right" and "Is she ready" debate (for the record, I don't think you're NEAR ready, but that's your decision).

No, I want to IMPLORE you to prepare yourself for what's about to happen next:

Your husband, when he hears about you dating, will suddenly come and want you back. Count on it.

Are you ready for it? Do you know how you'll respond?

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/08/09 01:51 PM
i dont think he will find out so fast, no one that knows him knows about it....however, u are right, the tides are going to turn...how will i respond? honestly? with a too little too late...

if he really wanted me back, so so so so much would have to happen and im not so sure that im open to even seeing it. it would probably take months of consistent positive attractive behavior from him. and i dont think its possible.

am i ready to date? i like to think so. but since im so early in the divorce process, i cant see the dating getting anywhere so fast. i really like this guy, is he a version of my h? yes.

appearance wise he is my type, yes, a version of h.

financially speaking, version of my old h.

he is everything i had with h only on a higher level.

am i pretrified of getting hurt? yes.

did this guy say and do all the right things? yes.

did i find the whole thing too good to be true? yes.

not sure what will happen next.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/08/09 07:49 PM
so this guy disappeared as quickly as he came. im slightly shocked but whatever.

the bottom line, the thing i take away from all of this, is that im ready to move on.

the fact that i could go out with someone, enjoy him and be comfortable and attracted to him, and actually be upset that he got weird all of sudden, tells me im ready to move on, that im done holding out for h.

so i guess that is a good thing.

im not ready to be hurt, at all. but who is?

this guy was amazing, i dont know what happened. my shrink said it seems he scared himself and pulled away. oh well.

im not usually attracted to just anyone. my luck to find one i liked, that liked me, and now he is pulling away.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/09/09 11:06 AM
i went to put on a necklace last night only to see they are all missing!!!!!!!

when h swiped the paintings last week it is looking like he took my necklaces. i had checked right away to see if he took anything but since i saw my wedding band sitting there, i figured he didnt touch my jewelry.

crazy huh?????????

i guess its ugly now. i guess i take everything when i move and hold it for ransom. his golf clubs, fancy coats etc.

good thing im just about over him. it doesnt hurt too much i must admit.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/09/09 11:57 AM
OMG, what an ass.

Do you think he hocked them to make a car payment? He seems pretty desperate. Holding HIS stuff for ransom isn't going to work if he already SOLD, YOUR stuff.

I would send him a text and let him know that you'll be out all afternoon, and if it's not back when you return, you're filing a police report.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/09/09 12:37 PM
i was told i cant file a police report so that wont work. i sent him a text yesterday telling him i see he took my necklaces, i got no response.

the best i can do is inform my lawyer and add it into what he owes me.

when i move i intend now to take his things with me and if he wants them back he has to give me the jewelry for reimburse me for it.

one necklace was from my parents and was such a statement of a piece of jewelry, i really miss it. the other 2 were gifts from him that i loved but this other necklace was a conversation piece, a big puffed heart with blue saphires and diamonds.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/09/09 12:48 PM
I'm so sorry. What do you think the total value of these were?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/09/09 12:51 PM
a few thousand dollars. i also see im missing a tiny jewelry box that i believe contained a jewish star passed down in my family. im going to keep looking, although im neat and organized and cant imagine where else it could be.

its amazing how im rather indifferent towards him, the anger isnt even there, just disgust and indifference.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/09/09 12:58 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


its amazing how im rather indifferent towards him, the anger isnt even there, just disgust and indifference.


Hmm. Remember way back when, Doodles, when I predicted that your emotions were going to cycle thru all of these different extremes, but that you'd know you were done when you got to "disgust"??

A judge looking at your petition for support is NOT going to look kindly on such shenanigans.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/09/09 01:03 PM
yeah, a judge will not see anything positive in his actions...i would never take his personal belongings, never.

i never considered selling his tools, his bbq, his clothes etc. only our household mutual items. to me, his tools were like my pocketbooks, too personal.

but he didnt care, he took my jewelry! i cant believe he didnt take my pocketbooks too! they are worth as much as the jewelry!

total sicko.

and yes, u did tell me how i would eventually feel. and im feeling it.

i dont even care much about psycho either. its amazing. i hope it sticks.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/09/09 06:36 PM
Do you have these items and their value documented in your homeowners insurance or something like that? Im sure that even if you cant file a police report you can document it in court, I think that telling your lawyer was a good idea.

Im glad that you changed your alarm code! What a snake!

By the way, does your H know that you cant file a police report on it?
Posted By: Kimmie Lee Re: he was back, i think - 08/09/09 07:51 PM
You "can't" file a report? Since when? I'm pretty sure that insurance companies demand that before they will replace the items. Something is fishy here.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/10/09 01:26 AM
I would file an INSURANCE claim, and let THEM handle it with H.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/10/09 11:02 AM
cant file an insurance claim, h stopped paying policy...its ok, i will get it back one way or another.

just shows his character more, im not so upset about the jewelry. its just jewelry.

he was calling me last night, about 8 times, house and cell phone. i didnt pick it up or call back because im sure it was only something to yell at me for, he never calls like that. if it were important, he could have sent a text.

maybe psycho was served by the sheriff with order. who knows.

i will see him today, rather unhappy about it and nervous, i dont wish to see him or hear him since i know he will have something nasty to say.

saw new guy last night. i have to say there is something about him that intrigues me, doesnt happen often (well of course not since ive been with h for over 10 years). but in general, im selective and not attracted to just anyone.

i definitely have a thing for him and he so knows it! i dont play games, never did and im not one for the rules! never needed them.

im playing it pretty forward but also told him its not like this can go anywhere now considering our situations...not to mention, even if i wanted it to and it was so complicated and everything wasnt so raw for me, i dont think he is ready either.

dont want to get hurt. but let me say again, im intrigued by him. in a major major way.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/10/09 12:58 PM
Ain't nuthin' wrong with "intrigued"!!! cool
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/10/09 01:52 PM
thanks for agreeing with me!!!!!

its scary though, he is all into it and pulls away...texts me for hours and then wants to "pace things"...which is fine but he is the one who started the heavy texting it and pouring out his feelings for me!

any explanations for his behavior? im new to this! with h, we met and never looked back. he never asked me out, we just were.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/10/09 02:11 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles

any explanations for his behavior? im new to this! with h, we met and never looked back. he never asked me out, we just were.


Yes. He's caught a whiff of your Intriguing Guy. I told you this would happen.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/10/09 02:17 PM
no , i am talking ABOUT the intriguing guy! his behavior, whats up with it? pouring it on and then pulling back...whats up with that?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/10/09 02:23 PM
Oh, sorry. I dunno. Maybe typical male "Mars rubber band" stuff?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/10/09 05:52 PM
i dont know! i dont do the "game" and i dont do the "rules". i like him. not sure how to play it.

we had an awkward situation last night, dont want to get into details but its something that most likely embarassed him. but i like him and dont want him to be embarassed so when i got home i texted him that i had fun and left it at that. just wanted him to know that i did, to kinda let him know i wasnt put off by something.

not sure if im making sense! anyway, havent heard from him. guess we will see over the next few days.

h was here, its ugly and i dont care. he tried to talk to me, not in a nice way so i locked myself in my bathroom and turned on the shower.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/10/09 10:47 PM
situation with h extremely ugly. the good thing is that im hardly affected by it. but its ugly.

he took things from the house. i tried to stop him, he was extremely rude and nasty. since i couldnt stop him, i simply said, when u are done with moving that piece of furniture, please take son and leave the house. he said, i dont have to listen to u, and cursed me a few times.

i did get him to leave. he wasnt even nice to son.

i put it all in writing to my attorney.

i do believe he is hiding a job. i bet he is off on mondays. interesting that he always seems to go to the bank on monday. if u dont work and have no money, why go to the bank?
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 08/10/09 11:09 PM
OMG, doodles, I literally had to check to see if your posts were mine. I was catching up on all the happenings today and wondered, did I write this. WE ARE SO GOING THROUGH THE SAME THINGS!!! Remember my new guy. I realllly liked him. And I'm totally the same way like you - I haven't liked someone other than H in God knows how long since h and I have been together. And I'm very selective about how I'm interested in. My new guy I totally thought that this was God sending this man to break me away from H. I was so really to be through with H. New guy and I were getting close I thought. Doing lots of texting, had plans to hang out some more, and I so thought he was in to me too. Then he did the same thing, pulled back and then disappeared. I stopped contacting him, even erased his contact info so I wouldn't get tempted since he was the one to withdraw, but I was disappointed. He seemed like such an improvement from my H, that I was so intrigued. To be honest, even now I miss what never was or the possibility of what could have been. I thought in a way it was my escape route and that God saw all that I went through and was sending me a good man of my own. So, I completely feel and understand you.

My advice, go with the flow. This guy will do wonders for you mental health and confidence. So even though my new guy was short lived, I say go with the flow. It all reminded me of what a relationship was about - having a good time. It made me realize that if H and I end, there will be someone else good out there for me. It was such an eye opener. You will have such indifference to you H's crap it will do you wonders.

So like Pup said, be ready, your H will notice and want to return. I was so indifferent to H and so just wanted to breakaway with new guy that it scared the crap out of H. And to be honest if new guy didn't withdraw, I would not have stopped talking to him for H. He had his chance. But h was so jealous, wanted his wife back, etc. But I didn't care. Once I told him he just doesn't want me to be happy. He was mad and said I want you to be happy with me. Now I take it that I don't know if God's plan is to keep me with H since new guy withdrew just like that. The good thing is that you will now have the confidence to know to set the standards of how you will take your H back.

So doodles, we definitely need to talk. Our sitch are way too alike. I will set up an email tomorrow and post it to you.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 08/10/09 11:11 PM
Just saw your update, protect your things. Move out the valuables before he returns. It's all another means for him to control.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/10/09 11:20 PM
we do need to talk vicky!!!!!

im totally head over heals high school crushing this guy!

what is up with these men? i dont get it. he was so digging me and pouring on the talk, not even the player stuff, totally wanting me and texting me and saying heavy things for the first date. it didnt even feel like the first date we hit it off so well! so why do they pull back?

my h isnt running back, im believe he heard i went out with a guy and things here are ugly.

i dont want him back and u are right, being with this new guy is the eye opener. i am not turning back.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/11/09 03:38 AM
I am sort of man hating right now. The guy I "rebounded" with turned out to be a psycho. I was so disappointed. I changed the locks because this guy just wouldnt leave me alone!

I think that this guy is going to be good for you. Has your H mentioned that you have a new friend? I hope that it hurts his pride that you arent interested in him and his crappola anymore!
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/11/09 04:31 AM
doodles,

just caught up on your thread. I am happy that you met a new crush. I also agree that it will do wonders to 'show' you what your true feelings are towards your H. I certainly hope that the new guy's friendship with you will continue.

My take on your H's attitude....he is just upset that he can not have his cake and eat it too.

My take on crush's pulling back....(this is with not knowing his stich) is that he may be on a roller coaster of emotions. For some people the idea of starting over would scare them back into a darkened room. Maybe you have 'shown' him that he is still a desirable person and he is dealing with his own emotions that you may have stirred up in him.

Either way....practice some of the DB techniques with the crush, don't persue alot. Take your time.

By the way, how did your son react to the way his dad was treating you and him that day?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/11/09 12:28 PM
my son didnt react in any way to what went on.

new guy disappeared, men are so so so so strange!

i dont play games, i followed his lead.

so weird. he only wanted me to friend him on fb, i kept saying to be cute, how do i know u are my friend?

so yesterday i sent the request, after our weird encounter sunday night. kinda as a way to say, im cool with what happened, not turned off to him....would u believe he ignored the request?

men are so weird. i guess he wants to fall off the earth or something.

but now im moving to the neighborhood! sure to have a run in. and one of my best friends realized that her good friend is the wife of this guy's law firm partner!

so crazy.

anyway, get my keys today! my dad is coming soon to help me move boxes and unpack things before the furniture is moved on friday.

im excited!
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 08/11/09 06:08 PM
Hey Doodles, guys are weird and it sucks. My new guy had fallen off and I really still wonder why. Yesterday after posting to you and wondering why all of a sudden new guy fell off, a thought occurred to me, did my H call new guy. One day for security purpose I had left a postit with new guy's info when i was going on a date. Talk about anti-DB, I actually called my H yesterday and asked him if he did that. Of course he wasn't happy to get that call since he thinks I was so into new guy but whatever. So I'm with you, no clue why they disappear. Sometimes I wonder if its us being accustomed to long R that we just expect more communication. Then I get so upset at times that H has brought me to having to get into the dating scene. Anyway, just wanted I completely understand.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/11/09 07:03 PM
Congratulations doodles! Im so happy for you! I think that this is going to be a great thing for you.

As far as the new guy goes, I would imagine that hes probably really confused. Ill bet that he didnt DB! So maybe he hasnt quite come to terms as well as you have with your sitch. Is his wife as much of a weasel? It seems like when our spouses act like such terrible people its a little easier to kick them to the curb. Put your DB priniples to work here if you want, they will work in many other situations. But maybe you dont need his baggage, especially with all you have to worry about!

Vicky, I felt the same way! I met some uber-losers while I was dating, I got so angry at my H for putting me in that position.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/11/09 08:35 PM
i dont know what this guy's deal is. he poured it on so so much, not in a player way, he was a gentleman. so i responded to it, i dont play games. then he pulled away. then we started talking again on sunday, hung out, and now where is he?

i dont know how to date but i do know when someone good comes along, when i really like someone (never happened often)...things are all too coincidental with us that im curious to see if i ever hear from him again...

any thoughts? can i contact him in a few weeks if im still digging him?

by the way, got my keys today, totally loving the apt! its more like a house, i moved over so much stuff. cant wait to move in.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/11/09 09:36 PM
i really have to say, for anyone reading this, new or old to the boards, that things do get better.

i never ever ever ever ever thought i would be ok. ever. i heard that i would, never thought i would feel it.

im so happy im ok in time to leave our home. this was the home we were supposed to grow old in, never ever move again.

i couldnt even imagine packing this house, parting our things.

but im here. and im fine!

h is not the man i married. i can honestly look at pictures of us and know that man doesnt exist anymore. he really truly doesnt.

its sad, i can cry when i see the pictures but im ok.

if he showed up, i really dont think i would jump to take him back.

thats not to say that if he tried to show me the old person again, really work at being that person and doing the right thing by me, its not to say i wouldnt entertain it, but im certainly not hoping for it any longer.

so it does get better. read the start of my thread and see where i am now.

new guy or not, i was feeling this way already.

thank you everyone. really, thank you.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 08/11/09 09:48 PM
Yeah!!!! It so does get better. It's amazing how much better it gets. And you end up feeling great. Warning - there will be some down moments but they won't last too long.

My take on contacting new guy - don't!! Like DB, don't pursue. I know you don't like games, and I'm the same way, but I felt if I had to get back into the dating world I need to learn some of the games/techniques. I felt although I was trying to play it cool, I was pursuing new guy. I totally backed off when he did. I actually did at first reach out to him via text, but then he would not respond right away and I literally when and deleted all his contact info from my phones. I figure if he's still interested he would contact me. Don't pursue him, its even more awkward since you haven't established a R. My take... maybe the guys here will have better advice on women pursuing me.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/11/09 09:57 PM
im not going to contact him. im so not. hoping to run into him in the development though! i dont know what happened, he was so liking me!

i was pursuing this guy too, however, i just followed his lead. it didnt feel like a first date, i dont know.

dont think i will be hearing from him but since i moved to his neighborhood, i am hoping for the run in!
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/11/09 11:42 PM
I hope for a run in for you too. Could be a good thing!!

After you get in to the new apartment, get your son off to school, what's your next goal? Job hunting, how's that going? You haven't mentioned that in awhile. Anything new there? Are you thinking of going through with the D or letting you H roll the ball in his court for a bit?

Just my curious side kicking in. LOL!!

Hope the move goes smooth and you get everthing back in order in your new place really quick!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/11/09 11:51 PM
yeah, im guessing once i am in i will have to try and find some type of job. not thrilled about it. at all.

ive been a stay at home mom for 6 years and considering im only 31, work hasnt exactly been a big thing in my life!

as for the divorce, i told my lawyer to move forward today. interesting that h wants it and has done nothing..

we are filing the motions for support and restraining of our assets.

just showed son our new place, he liked it! he noticed it was smaller but still liked it!

didnt see my crush, although im hoping to one of these days...
Posted By: kissak Re: he was back, i think - 08/12/09 03:42 PM
Glad to see you are doing good Mdoodles. Good luck with the move.
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 08/12/09 03:49 PM
yes, good luck with the move and I'm really sorry about the jewelry, that's a hard blow and just so low. I think you need to brace yourself for the "return" because it's probably coming.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/12/09 08:10 PM
what return do u mean?

still busy moving things, im tired!

im restraining myself from contacting crush. it just came and went so quickly! it was only last wednesday that i had the most amazing date of my life. yes, my life!

so where did he disappear to? im so proud of myself for not passing his house, do u know what its like to now be moving to his development? its crazy.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 08/12/09 08:29 PM
mdoodles,

I so understand. I told you I reached out to my crush like three times before I stopped (so many times b/c he did politely respond) but I figured no more. Ahhh, maybe a call won't hurt but dunno. My experience told me that if he wanted to contact me, he would have. But its so tempting isn't it. smile
Posted By: K4D Re: he was back, i think - 08/12/09 08:30 PM
I hesitate to ask. But exactly what happened on the greatest date of your life to make it so great?

K4D
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/12/09 08:38 PM
it was just the best date....we clicked the minute i met him, went to an amazing restaurant on the water, great conversation, totally liked him, totally comfortable with him, he totally liked me...it was just great...very open and enjoyable and a gentleman...hung out after, he was so totally into me the same amount that i was into him....we texted for hours after.

wanted to see me all of the time he said, whenever iwanted, we wanted the same things, anything i said i was looking for, he said he wanted and needed to..

it was amazing...so where is he? and why am i having to restrain myself from contacting him?

vicky, what do we do?
Posted By: K4D Re: he was back, i think - 08/12/09 08:44 PM
So have you given up on your stand for your M then?

Kevin
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/12/09 08:47 PM
yes i have...never thought i would, but i have... its time.

its not to say that down the road, if h somehow really truly wanted things back, really truly worked at himself and tried to win me back, its not to say i wouldnt reconsider him.

but im moving forward with the separation/divorce. its time.

im moving on as if we are finished.

i waited for 3 years for him and at this point, with his behavior, its enough.
Posted By: K4D Re: he was back, i think - 08/12/09 08:52 PM
I have been following your thread for a while. I certainly don't blame you for feeling the way you do. It is pretty nuts. I just hate to see any stander lose faith and move on to someone else.

It is not an easy road to stand for 3 years. I have only been at it for 11 months and still continued to make every mistake in the book.

You sound like you have done very well in your stand. It would be nice for your H to see how lucky he is and wake up. I hope when he finally does that you are still available. He knows not what he is doing.

Kevin
Posted By: K4D Re: he was back, i think - 08/12/09 08:57 PM
A friend of mine said I need to sign up and do this. He said I would benefit greatly from it. And it is really cheap compared to other programs. He said it would really give me direction in my life.

http://www.theroadadventure.org/

Kevin
Posted By: K4D Re: he was back, i think - 08/12/09 08:58 PM
Oops. I meant to post that on my thread. lol.

Oh well, take a look at it anyways

Kevin
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/12/09 09:15 PM
one day he will wake up. im so not even thinking about it though, ive had enough. the person he has become is not the person i married. its too ugly now, been too long, and after the whole business thing and going back to psycho, well, its enough.

im so thinking about this other guy, which tells me and everyone else that im done with h.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/12/09 11:27 PM
The return that some posters are talking about is once your H realizes that you have 'moved' on, whether is to a new man or just 'moved' on without him, he is going to want you back.

He will more than likely beg, plead, tell you he will dump the OW, tell you he will do anything to save M, tell you he will change if you will give him another chance.

This usually happens when the one who thinks they have the cake and can eat it too suddenly sees that the cake has left for a different party.

I think everyone is wanting you to be aware of the possible (more than likely) return that the H will do. And want you to think about it before it happens.

Thinking of you.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/13/09 12:04 AM
thanks. but i dont think he is going to be begging me any time soon.
Posted By: davidswife Re: he was back, i think - 08/13/09 12:42 AM
As far as your "crush" goes -- did you see the movie "He's Just Not That Into You"?

If a man wants to see/talk to you -- he will make it happen.

Don't call him -- if he doesn't like you, or is interested enough to call -- he's just not that into you.

And a little mystery on your part won't hurt.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/13/09 02:06 AM
It seemed so funny to me that when I broke it off with the first guy I dated, he made all of the mistakes! He didnt know about DBing at all obviously! Pursued, pestered, all of it. I actually saw what I had done to H first hand, and how obnoxious it was. It made me feel pretty icky, but was a heck of a wake up call!

Even if you never hear from the new guy again, I think that this whole interlude has healed you some more, and let you detach even more!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/13/09 10:34 AM
definitely healed me but left me confused!

im thinking this guy has issues or something, to behave how he did and then pull away.

i left it on a nice note, never got psycho on him, or did the how could to him.

im sure i will see him around and if/when i do, i have nothing to be ashamed of. he might, but not me.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/13/09 11:39 AM
cant believe i am moving tomorrow, still so much to pack and go through, its crazy. guess i will tell h that im moving tomorrow and that he can get his things after that.

so weird that this is what its come to, where i wont even let him in the house until im gone...never thought it would be this way. im ok with it.

its amazing how almost overnight i went from wanting him back to leaving my wedding band off and wanting to meet someone else.

im thinking it wasnt so overnight. im thinking it was such a process that didnt hit me until i was finally at the fully moved on point.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/14/09 02:43 AM
I believe most of the people on here could agree with you about not seeing the process until it finally just 'hits' them.

I am glad that you are where you are in your process right now. You have come a long way. My best to you.

Hope you get the move taken care of easily. I just moved my sister agian for the 3-4 time in 2 years. I think she has it down to a science now.

I will check in on you later.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/14/09 11:37 AM
thanks for checking on me!

the movers will be here soon, i cant believe im finally moving. i have spent the last year focusing on this house, trying to save it, trying to sell it, trying to pack it etc...

once i move, no more bill collectors looking for h! that will be nice.

told him last night that i am moving today and that he can come on the weekend to get his things.

his parents are upset that we wont be next door, i feel bad for them that they still have to look at my house everyday and know what their son did and why we arent here. oh well.

i will check in later from the new place!
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/14/09 05:03 PM
Yay Doodles!!! I hope that the move goes well!

How did H react when you told him about the move? Talk about movin' on!

I hope that you have lots of help, and remember, if you havent unpacked it by this time next year, you probably dont need it!
Posted By: Stronger Re: he was back, i think - 08/14/09 07:43 PM
Enjoy the move.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/14/09 11:44 PM
so im here, im moved! its really really nice, everything went well and im basically all unpacked! i cant stand clutter or boxes, i needed to do it all to feel settled! my son loves his room it look so so cute...

my in laws just came, my mil was crying, i felt so bad (remember, she lived next door to us)...i cried too, but i said, i didnt do this. she said, i know. i said, i waited until i was basically thrown out of my house, he left me, he left all of us...

its sad but really, im ok!!!! i teared up in the car, not because i was sad, but because i am so proud of myself. im really really proud. im rather strong and im realizing it.

now, im on to new things, a new life. im scoping out the scene and seeing who i can meet.

i loved my house but it was toxic, it really really was. i needed out and i feel so much better. totally disconnected from h and its fine. i dont even think about him much. so weird.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/15/09 01:45 AM
Thats great doodles. Im impressed that you are already unpacked! Nicely done!
Posted By: K4D Re: he was back, i think - 08/15/09 06:43 PM
Enjoy your new life. But please don't give up on your stand. Things take time and they get really bad before they get better.

For what its worth,

Kevin
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/15/09 08:23 PM
thanks guys....kevin, i understand where u are coming from, but keep in mind, my life has been in limbo for 3 years! i truly believe i have had enough!!! its time to move on.

its not say that if h showed up graveling and wanted to prove to me he can be the husband for me, that i wouldnt consider it, but it isnt happening and i done waiting!

got a copy of the letter today that my lawyer sent to his lawyer. its informing them of the new law effective sept 1 that automatically restrains assets of divorces pending. it also tells his lawyer of h's continued lack of support for myself and my son while somehow paying for his own expenses including his porsche. it informs them to expect the pendente lite.

im so proud of myself, u have no idea!

just wait to h gets wind of this and combine it with when he goes to get his things and sees i sold all of our appliances!

im glad i finally reached the point where i could proceed and protect myself without worrying about his reaction.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/16/09 05:35 AM
Did you ever get your family jewelry back? I wonder if that wouldnt be in your best interest to pursue at least that immediately to make sure that he didnt pawn or sell it.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/17/09 02:11 AM
doodles...

Glad your moved, unpacked, and getting settled in. Glad to hear your son is taking the move so well too and that he likes his bedroom. That is the most important part, that he is happy with where you guys are now.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/17/09 10:39 PM
so h came today to see son. met him outside, he took him for a few hours. this was the first time he ever took him out the entire time, now that we dont have "our" house, there is no where for him to hang out. good, makes him have to entertain son without relying on staying in the house and letting him watch tv.

i let him come in when he dropped him off, son wanted him to. we didnt even so much as look at eachother.

its better this way. atleast for now.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/18/09 12:00 AM
Sometimes I think silence speaks louder than words about certain situations.

I think you did good cuz it ended up being a pleasent pick up and drop off. That is what your son is seeing too. No fighting.

I am proud of you for that.
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 08/18/09 02:06 AM
Hi Mdoodles,

I haven't posted much over the past two weeks. I have these spells where I have to back off.

You have been a very busy girl.

I am very happy for you and little son that the move went so well. I am excited for you that he loves his room, it makes everything so much easier on you to see him so happy.

I was very sorry to hear that your jewelry came up missing. Have you ever figured out what H really has done with it all? I am sorry I assume that H is the one who took it, especially if it was not him. It could be the person who he brought over who helped him out that night he borrowed his fathers vehicle.

I think the silence between you and H will run it's course and there will be friendly conversation between the two of you again with time. You both have some healing to do over what has happened in your lives in the past couple of months. Once things look brighter for each of you in your own ways the conversation will follow. For you, you have aready made brighter choices, for H they will come much harder.

I think you sound strong and absolutely wonderful. You have grown so much even in just a couple of weeks, I can speak for everyone here....We are proud of you!!!!

Keep your head high and keep moving forward....your H can already see his mistakes, just leave him to live his choices. One day he will realize they aren't working out very well for him.

(((((Hugs to you and little son)))))

Sanderika
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/19/09 11:25 AM
thanks sanderika, i appreciate your kind words. i have made alot of progress huh ? lol...it feels like it happened over night but i think it was a long process where i knew i was done but didnt want to be. and then one day, i just had enough and have yet to look back. its rather freeing actually!

im busy preparing all of my information for the lawyer for my pendente lite. i have documented well and it has helped! i typed up all my informaton over the past year so i wouldnt forget anything.

and now he will be hit hard with everything he has done. he has no one to blame but himself.

i read your thread, im sorry u arent seeing any changes in your h. maybe u still will. is there anything u can change to spark the change in him?
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 08/19/09 11:45 AM
Hi Mdoodles,

I have to say it again.....I am so proud of you!!!!

You have done everything right. You and little son will be fine and your future will be wonderful. You have strength and beauty and independence, good things will come to you both.

Thanks for asking about me. At this point in time, H has to do the work if he wants us. I am at the end of the road for what I can do. All I can do is maintain current attitudes and behaviors. I don't even have to try anymore since it's who I am now.

I did get a positive on Sunday. I hate to write about my sitch now, I can't explain it. Is that wierd or what?

I will write about it on my thread when I return from work.

I hope you keep posting, it will be fun to read good things about you both. I am anxious to read how the first day of school goes for little son. Are there any little kids in your complex for him to play with?

Are you actively seeking employment now that the move is behind you? If you are, patience will pay off. I am a self employed individual. I started to put the word out about 8 months ago that I wanted to pick up another job. It was about a month ago now that someone called me with an offer. I have now had a second job for 4 weeks. It will be a good job, I hope. The boss is a challenge. I find him a bit arrogant and his tone and words are condescending. I am a bit afraid of him. I want to give it a real chance before I say something.

I have to get to work, I wish you a very happy day.....

Sanderika
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/19/09 04:04 PM
i am thinking about jobs but not actively pursuing the topic on a daily basis. my son will be off from camp for 2 weeks after this week before school starts. once that has past and he settles in to school, i will focus more on it.

son is very adjusted to our new place, im so glad. i love it too. he is enjoying the pool and likes to play tennis here. it really is a nice place, im very glad it worked out that i was able to move here.

we didnt meet the other kids but he is so social im not concerned. we know one boy in the new school and i could have requested for son to be in his class. my son said, "nah"...too funny.

i will keep posting as much as possible. hope things are well with u sanderika.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/19/09 09:55 PM
Glad to see that things are coming together for you on a personal level. When will you have to go to court? Has the OW been served yet? When you go to court what are you going to be going for?

Just wondering all of this stuff to keep up with your stitch.

Thinking of you
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/20/09 01:42 AM
i dont know when i will have to go to court. i am going to review the documents for the pendente lite tomorow. i will be going for child and spousal support. my attorney sent the motion for the restraining of our assets as well as notified h's attorney that i have not received any form of support while h still pays for his cars and that we are taking action.

ow was not served the order yet! i was on the phone with the sheriff yesterday. would u believe i have to fax the precinct a copy of the order? makes no sense.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/20/09 03:39 PM
so im busy giving my attorney all of the remaining information needed for my case to get support. it has alot to do with him claiming he has no job and how they will impute his income. i dont even think he realizes what he is in store for him.

i dont feel bad.

im so happy i have gotten to this point where i am capable of doing the right thing and not worrying what he will think.

we spend so much time worrying what our WAS might think, do u think they thought about us at all, what we might have thought of their affairs or their spending of our marital money?
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 08/20/09 06:08 PM
spending of our marital money?

True true true!!!!!
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/20/09 09:32 PM
I don't believe that they think about us until they either get caught or divorce papers are filed. I know my H thought that what he was doing was 'wrong' but did not think about my feelings until he actually got caught doing it. I still wonder if he even realizes the pain that he caused another human being because of his actions.

Hope you get to caourt soon. I hope that it doesn't end up being a long drawn out proccess for you.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/22/09 03:06 AM
Hi doodles, I hope that you are getting ready to have a great weekend!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/22/09 11:45 AM
thanks bluerain, hope u have a good weekend too!

no big plans for me though. my son has this new thing of sleeping out at his grandparents house so last night he slept there and they will bring him back home this morning. im going to check out the gym in my community soon and see who goes on saturday mornings!

my friends are not sure who i have become lately but we are all liking the new me!

im in a weird place. im feeling kinda like i lost my 20s somewhere, as if im picking up where i left off right before i met h. only now im 31, have been married, had a baby and owned 2 homes. im almost tired thinking about it all.

its weird that the only thinking i do about h, is thinking how i dont think about him!

im still busy preparing all the info for court, its rather taxing but im prepared.
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 08/22/09 01:35 PM
Hi Mdoodles,

You still sound really good.

I am happy to hear that.

I wish you and little son a wonderful weekend!!!

Sanderika
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/23/09 01:15 PM
thanks sanderika, hope all is well with u. weekend is ok, son is sick, not terribly but has alittle something.

so ive been out and about, met some new people, went on some simple dates, nothing quite like the first guy.

i really cant believe that im actually writing on this site about someone other than my husband!

i mean, i meet new people and im comparing them to the other guy, rather than h. i think that is a total sign that im completely detached and ready to fully move on!

so weird in a sense...
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 08/23/09 09:57 PM
Hi Mdoodles,

I would have to agree with you. I think we all reach a point when we are ready to completely move on.

Things here are not going all that well....getting to the point to give up. Not thinking I can do more and actually want to do less. My new job has made me feel a whole lot better and am ready to be done. I need to get a hold of your courage. I am strong enough just not courageous enough. I can't seem to let go of the past, 30 1/2 years is a long time to let go of....

Sorry son is not feeling well.

Interesting that you are meeting lots of new people already, your complex was definitely the right choice for GAL and PMA for sure.

It's all wierd....all of it, nothing makes sense anymore.

I am glad to see you doing so well....

Sanderika
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/23/09 10:08 PM
i think u are a strong courageous person too...im laughing that u want my strength when u have always seemed more together than me. i dont know that its about strength or courage, its more about when u are truly done. and i reached it. no one can force u and u cant force yourself.

i heard my friends all along telling me to move on. i didnt want to and wasnt ready to.

now i am. perhaps it was when she was harassing me and he was busy trying to get me to drop the charges.

i think all it will take for u is one more incident to put u over the edge and be where i am.

but u just cant force it. not at all.

its so funny though, im so thinking about that guy i dated a few weeks ago. not about h, the new guy! trying to figure him out now instead of h.

i must like a challenging situation huh
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 08/23/09 10:50 PM
I would have to say you like a challenge.

I still can't believe the amount of gritty stuff you took on all at once and look at you now. Most of us tackle one mountain at a time. You took on the whole range...

I love it that you have come out on the other side better than you were before.

The new guy vs. H thing is amazing. I can't imagine making that switch as fast as you have. It has to be all about what and when you are ready for sure.

See Mdoodles, I am going to have to put an end to this too. I have DB for over four years and am a lot better off than I/we was four years ago but have failed in getting H back. I have tried all I could.

I have sneeking suspicions that H is seeing another OW not just the one I am aware of. I actually thought this in February. I got another idea of this between July 11th and August 16th.

I will not be able to overlook this one. This could be the deal breaker for me. I am growing emotionless where H is concerned and that is beginning to grow stronger. I think a person can only take so much and they can't take anymore. It's then that we change our hearts. I feel my heart growing away from H. I think he has given me way to much of a run. If my suspicions are true, I have alerted some faithful friends to watch for me, I will tell H the truth behind my behavior and be done. In the mean time I have decided to go pitch black on H.

I am strong. I am not courageous to end my 30 1/2 year past. I think now I must take the steps towards the end. I am thinking I have more power right now than I have ever had before in this sitch. I feel it is now my turn to deal the cards....??????

I hate this all so much.....

I would rather be alone in my world the rest of my life than have to continue here.....The heartbreak is too much.....

Sorry to rain on your parade, I really didn't mean to. I haven't posted much about me in months. Maybe I should have been doing so....I am getting confused about what I want.

I am tired....
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/23/09 10:58 PM
u did not rain on my parade at all.

i know how u feel.

but see i figured something out. the person u were with for those many years is not that person now.

i know we have all said that over and over but until u can fully grasp it and understand it, it will hurt.

i dont hurt anymore. it just hit me that the old h is really gone, he is in the past with mygood marriage.

i see him as 2 different people.

i miss that old person but not in the same way because it is as if he isnt around to be missed anymore.

not sure if i am making sense. ow does not have who i had. plenty of people have told me this but until u can feel it for yourself, it doesnt really matter what anyone says.

yeah, its funny how i fell so hard for this guy. totally weird that i met him, he is my absolute perfect match to the point of ridiculus. as if its not possible.

and he ran away. must have realized how perfect we were for eachother and got scared. not even kidding, i have it on my calendar to email him if i still feel this strongly in a few weeks!

and the people i have now dated since him, i compare to him, not h! its crazy!

u will be ok sanderika! i promise
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 08/23/09 11:08 PM
Thanks Mdoodles,

I am sure I will be OK I have made it this far.

I am feeling very low......

You are right about H. Of course this is something I understand. He is not the same man. He never will be the same man.

I wish him all the best. I will always love him. I had at least 24 wonderful years with him. We did all our firsts together!!!!! No one else will ever be able to say that!!!!!

I think (I am crying) I really have to move away from all this. I can't live in the downs and lows anymore.

I am going to stop posting tonight and relax. I am so tired.

Thank you so much...

Sanderika
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/23/09 11:23 PM
im sorry u are so upset, i so know how u feel.

believe me, im not in a "thrilled" position, but i am much better not caring about h anymore.

u will be ok, i promise. if i made it, anyone can!

i think u will wake up one of these days soon and be completely detached and removed. i think for us it just happens that way.

i think towards the end we hang on because we are used to it, but deep down dont really want to.

i think that is why it was so easy for me to really like this new guy and be so ready and comfortable to go out and be with him.

now he is my new project! i really have a post it with a date on it to email him if i still want to.

did i mention he lives across the street from me, when u pull out of my community? its crazy.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/24/09 03:03 AM
Just wanted to say I am glad to see you where you are today. You have come along way and I hope the strength and the courage continues through all the things to come.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/25/09 05:38 PM
so h has a job, finally. or finally admitting to it.

get this - he tells son sunday night he has this job, gives some details. son tells me, the details seemed made up so i thought son was telling me a story or something (since son always thinks daddy is at work, why would i think now he is really at work)...anyway, waited outside for h yesterday to pick son up. never came. we called and called and called.

i sent a text. no answer. he finally answered the phone and said, oh, im not coming im working. i was like, dont u think u should tell me something like that?

he said, i told son. i was like, he is 5, u dont make a schedule with him, u go through me. we are waiting outside for u.

he was like, im working. and hung up.

so son was crying, i felt so bad for him, not to mention he was sick...

i was so angry. i make my appts and plans for the few hours that he actually comes. my dad ended up coming to watch son for an hour so i could get my things done.

i called my lawyer, told him to call h's lawyer and tell him we know about the job and im looking for my health insurance (and money).

i sent an email to h (i like to put things in writing) saying u cannot communicate your schedule through our child. i copied my lawyer.

went to my lawyer today to drop off all of my paperwork that documents everything over the past year. so many papers, i couldnt even fax them.

he really has alot of nerve but atleast im not upset about him anymore. just upset with how he behaves with our son.
Posted By: K4D Re: he was back, i think - 08/25/09 05:45 PM
Hopefully he will come to realize sooner or later the mistakes he is making with his son.

Kevin
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 08/25/09 05:54 PM
I like your style, Doodles. Mamabear!! mad

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/25/09 06:08 PM
glad u like it puppy! took me long enough, huh?

i was always preparing for when i need to be tough, to protect myself. i gave him plenty of opportunity. now he can get what he deserves.
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 08/26/09 08:52 PM
Just be prepared that when things start getting tough for him on the legal part that he might try to weasel his way back.

You sound like you are doing well. I am amazed that you have not had your thread get locked after 84 pages.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/26/09 10:43 PM
I will have to say that telling a 5 year old instead of the mama was a low down trick by your H.

Seems to me that playing games with you is still your H's favorite past time.

I sure hope your H does not make it a habit to disappoint your son.

What kind of job did your H get? A respectable one or McD's? hope this means that you and son will get support soon.

Thinking of you.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/27/09 11:42 AM
he has not seen son since last monday. u would think he lived in another state or something. total loser. i just feel bad for my son, i keep him busy so he doesnt notice too much.

his job? not sure what he is making, hopefully more than mcdonalds!

im not worried, it should all be revealed, just hope there is no cash involved.

doesnt look like he is weaseling his way back any time soon....he even heard i was dating alittle, he doesnt seem to care.

im surprised my thread hasnt locked!
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/27/09 11:44 PM
sounds like things are looking up for you. YOu should read some of the other forums about 'seperated, now what', and 'the divorce is happening' type of forums. (If you haven't already) It may give you some insight on what has happened to people that are in the same place in their M as you are.

hope the good news and quiet times keep happening for you
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/28/09 07:21 AM
Hi doodles! sounds like you are doing great! Im glad to hear too that you are keeping track of things like H trying to schedule with a 5 year old!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/28/09 06:12 PM
i am doing well, thanks! i still surprise myself sometimes by how well i am actually doing and how little i think about h.

the best thing was moving away from that house, away from his parents. i still talk to them everyday but not being next door makes the separating from my marriage easier.

no clue when he intends to see son though. i would like to know but dont feel like contacting him.

going out with my friend tonight and son is sleeping at my inlaws, so i will have a curfew free night lol! i swear, i lost my 20s somewhere but im living them again alittle bit now!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/30/09 12:58 PM
reviewing the affadavit for support this morning. wow, it seems so harsh but so the truth! its so surreal to read and see everything he has done, everything i have tracked and documented in this document, and know that its all the truth, all his doing.

crazy.

he is so beyond not speaking to me. i sent him a text to ask when he will be coming to see son, no answer. had to have mil ask him so i that i know.

why cant he answer me? i dont know. i didnt do anything, he did this.

my attorney told me not even to reach out to him and go about my business, if we are around when he comes, fine.

i just feel bad, i dont want to son to lose out on his father.

its all in the affdavit, how he doesnt schedule time etc.

glad i reached the detachment level now or this would really be rather hard!
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 08/30/09 06:03 PM
Wow Doodles, Im glad that you were so serious in documenting, it really came in handy for you! You know, him not reaching out to his son is his choice, not yours. I agree with your atty, if he wants to see his son he will, its not unreasonable for you to have an idea of when to expect him. I have a feeling though, that it probably doesnt fit in with his fantasy with the OW.

Have you started looking into jobs yet? How is the new neighborhood working out?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/30/09 07:11 PM
looking and not looking, its alittle overwelming. im meeting with the vice presidents from my old job for lunch on tuesday, not sure that they are hiring but i always keep the line opened...

applied to a few things, nothing major. thinking of temping.

im all over the place, want to be an investigator! need to feel it all out.

possibly taking the LSATS but really not ready to handle law school, although i would be good.

new neighborhood is great, love this place...
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 08/31/09 03:10 AM
I agree with your atty too about just going on with your business and if daddy wants to finally call and see son then try to be avavilable if you have not already made some kind of plans.

I know this probably goes without saying, but document everyday that there is No Contact between son and dad.

I say this because when I went through two custody cases on one of my daughters, it was a document that the judge took a lot of stock in.

My atty had told me to document it as 8-30-09 no contact, 8-31-09 no contact, and so on. Then when there was contact, explain exactly what type, phone, in person, or whatever. And to document how long the contact was.

I hope that you are already do something like this. It really helped me to be able to show the judge a pattern of how little time the dad actually spent with my daughter other than the times that the judge had already said that he could have, (which was only 6 hours every two weeks).

Good luck at your meeting on Tuesday.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 08/31/09 11:06 AM
he hasnt called i would say since thursday. not sure if they spoke when son was at my mil....in the document, attorney put he hasnt seen or made effort see son between a 2 week period and put he basically abandon him.

they normally speak everyday, its the visits that are far less frequent. so weird. i know so many divorced dads that cant wait to see their kids and fight to see their kids.

thats how i know this is not about me, because he takes it out on son too.

when he sees this affadavit, i think he may run away for good.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/01/09 01:22 AM
so h finally showed his face today. i didnt really speak to him, just handed him his mail. i could tell he had softened, not in his words, just in body language. not a good thing, i want to continue to despise him!

i was on my way out when he came, maybe it surprised him. i looked good too!

when he dropped son off, i did not look at him or speak to him. i did peak out the window when he left, i saw him hang his head in a sad way, a couple of times. im not mistaking it, i know him. well good, he did this!

when he got in his car, he kept looking back at my window, not sure that he saw me behind the shades.

i hate that i feel my feelings soften, i shouldnt, he has been absolutely awful towards me.

so if he feels bad, if he dreads perhaps going back home to her, so be it. he did this.
Posted By: K4D Re: he was back, i think - 09/01/09 01:54 AM
Maybe he is starting to realize the mistakes he made. It could be the start of things turning around. It could be what you waited for for so long.

Wouldn't it be great if his heart was really starting to change? How great would that be for both you and your son? Sometimes things just take time in these situations.

Who knows, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility of that heart starting to take a turn for the better.

Kevin
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 09/01/09 02:40 AM
I hope that he is starting to feel sad about what hes done! He deserves to be in pain from his actions.

Your feelings are allowed to change, but dont let yourself get pushed around. He deserves exactly what he gets, dont forget that. This is what he wanted, so badly that he threw everything away.

I hope that things are finally falling apart for him, and I hope that he realizes that ALL he had to do was stay home and be a good father and H. Really, all he had to do was be faithful!

Wow, that seems mean... maybe Im projecting just a little... wink
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 09/01/09 03:56 AM
I think that he may be coming around to realizing that he has lost a lot and may still lose more because of what he has done. GOOD!! He needs a jolt to the heart strings.

Keep your eyes open though for anything that may seem too good to be true on this. I want you to to be safe with your heart and your feelings.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/01/09 11:11 AM
i mean, he said not a word but i can tell by his body language how he was feeling. oh well.

i will always love him and always soften to a point with him. but too much damage has been done.

my cousin (we are like sisters) even told me that if i ever thought of taking him back, she would disown me!

the way he has treated me has gone beyond having an affair, with the finances and my family's finances and the continued lying and not being around etc.

at some point of course he will start to linger around me, always has during these last 3 years.


but it is too late and as soon as i soften, i need to remind myself that.

keep in mind who he sided with when psycho went psycho and got in trouble.

keep in mind who isnt supporting his child but paying his and her expenses.

let him feel bad now. not suffer, but feel bad. its about time.
Posted By: K4D Re: he was back, i think - 09/02/09 03:50 PM
Quote:
i will always love him and always soften to a point with him. but too much damage has been done.


Remember what is said on here. That when we finally let go, that is when they start coming home. Could this be that time?

Quote:
my cousin (we are like sisters) even told me that if i ever thought of taking him back, she would disown me!


This is what kills many M restorations. Other people putting their influences in. Don't listen to other people. I don't know if you are religious or not, but if you are, listen to God, not other people. You may be seeing God starting to work on him now. My W told me to much damage has been done as well. I think that through God, anything and any M can be restored and healed and the damage can be healed.

It just looks like he may be turning a corner now and I would hate to see you give up now when he just might be finally starting to get his head straight. You did say you do have feelings for him. You loved him once. Something about him made you love him and something made him worthy in your mind to marry him and have a child with him. What was it? It can be had again. Don't lose faith. Don't listen to others who would tell you to walk away and tell you he isn't worth it. If he comes back and realizes all he did and becomes better than ever and your M becomes better than ever, imagine the mistake you might be making by not allowing that to happen.

Food for thought,

Kevin
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/02/09 05:33 PM
i totally hear what u are saying and normally i dont listen to what anyone says. if i did, i never would have taken him back the last 2 times or opened a business with him risking a large amount of my family's money. in the end it would be my choice but really, too much damage done. i will absolutely always love him. i will. but atleast right now, im done. im detached. i wouldnt let him come near me sexually if he begged.

as far as im concerned, the marriage is over...if in a few years we were to work our way back, then what will be will be.

im sure he feels some guilt now, seeing his wife and child in an apt, knowing he put us in this position.

he may not be turning the corner, he may simply see us as a reminder of the damage he did to so many people and feels guilty.

he knows i never did anything wrong. he knows he didnt leave because of me.

as of now im proceeding legally and protecting myself and moving on.
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 09/02/09 07:30 PM
I've seen this happen on here (including myself) where when the LBS has moved on is when the WAS wakes up some. It is the "you want what you cant have" reflex.

I think you are on the right path. And I believe it would take years for both of you to heal, forgive and have any chance to rebuild a loving relationship. A one time betrayal is tough enough to reconcile from, but rebuilding with a habitual adulterer is nearly an impossible task.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/02/09 08:19 PM
so get this, i heard my mil (who was always my "best friend") has been having what to say about me, that all of sudden, im not paying enough attention my son! that im on the phone and computer too much! can we believe this? so the person she said it to, actually put her in her place and defended me (the person she spoke to was her close family member)...

how about where is her son, my son's father? how about what he has done? how about he didnt come for 2 weeks to see his son? unbelievable.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/02/09 08:20 PM
i didnt mean to hit submit...

i cant believe she can have what to say about me, with all i been through, with all i continue to go through, im doing the best that i can.

its hard to be mother and father 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

i do everything with my son and everything for him. yes i make plans and go out more than i did, but he is with my parents! i dont leave him that often or in bad hands! and he wants me to go out!

am i really trying to defend myself here? lol
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 09/02/09 08:24 PM
Dont fret too much about what MIL says. Blood is thicker than water and the apple does not fall far from the tree.
Posted By: wifeleft2009 Re: he was back, i think - 09/02/09 11:37 PM
Originally Posted By: KerryK
Dont fret too much about what MIL says. Blood is thicker than water and the apple does not fall far from the tree.


this is so true.... as much as MIL says what W does is wrong and ect ect she is just as quick to blame me.. "you need to step up" "take care of the kids" once she even had the guts to say "you cant control your wife" which i guess im taking it slightly out of context but none the less how can that ever be right?

so now i get a little snippy right back like today is a good example when she said i was the last one to talk to W and i knew what she was doing and plannong i told her they should have sat her (W) down and told her how adults act and why

OH and FYI not saying it runs in the family but examples are what kids follow... her mom cheated on her dad and had the guys kid too! her little 13 year old sister so good example MIL
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 09/03/09 06:16 AM
Hi doodles. I think that I have recently arrived at a very similar place. It feels good.

When your MIL says things like that do you try to defend yourself? I might just say something like well, if his dad would ever try to see him, I would be the only one paying attention to him.

Are your inlaws still married? It made me so angry when my MIL would try to talk about my sitch as though she had ANY idea of what I was going through, or would go through. "Oh, youll be ok, you just need to move on, you just need to do this or that." Really, when was the last time your H replaced you? When was the last time that he tried to put YOU out on the street with nothing? Oh, thats never happened? Then keep it to yourself!

I would disregard most of what she says. Or if she does make comments like that maybe you can suggest that she step it up, since her useless spawn doesnt seem to be willing to...
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/03/09 11:17 AM
she doesnt say it to me...i think she is starting to say it to the family member because the family member is telling her how it is, isnt sugar coating what h did and is not just accepting it like mil and fil seem to do.

she is getting angry because the holidays are coming up and the rest of the family refuses to come to her house if psycho is there (not that he would show up for the holiday anyway)... i think my in laws are twisted in that they may have wanted us to be together, may not like the girl, but think it is ok to see her this whole time because its their son.

they enable him!

so now when someone close to her tells her like it is, tells her they dont agree with situation and like me too much to be around the girl, she doesnt get it.

so she is trying to spin me in a bad light, which is so unsual for her that she is being called out on it!

it is so nice to see and hear his extended family standing up for me when im not even around, when they dont need to. they are nice, good people.

and i will continue to go to their kids' birthday parties and holidays that they invite me to.

its amazing - they like me and trust me enough to tell me what is being said to protect me. the cousin told me she just wanted me to know what was being said so that i limit my conversations with mil so that nothing i say can be somehow used against me.
Posted By: kissak Re: he was back, i think - 09/03/09 08:21 PM
Hey Mdoodles...miss you over on MLC.....My MIL told me once that I should consider myself lucky that my H left me while I was young and could start over...that it would have sucked if he left me when I was old and it was harder to find someone else!!! She should talk!!!

But of course most of the time parents are going to defend their children and take their side in the end....They may never like what they did, but there is really nothing they can do about it.

Glad to see you are doing well though.

Take Care!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/03/09 08:29 PM
hey kissak, sorry i havent been around much! im starting fall back into routine and checking the boards again! hope all is well with you...

im shocked and not at my mil. ive always been a trusting and slightly naive person so i just assumed that since ive never done wrong, there shouldnt be wrong to say about me!

to think, ive raised son all by myself, took care of him, did everything with him! make dinner just about every night, i dont buy frozen food, always cooking and doing right by him. and doing right by everyone in their family.

the nerve! total nerve! i didnt even call her today. im sure she noticed.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 09/05/09 07:41 PM
I can relate with the mil problem.

A few years back when my H and I was going through a hard time and she knew what he had been doing, she would defend him to me. Give me all the reasons why he would do these things because I was do this or not do that.

Anyway, like they have said blood is thicker than water. I have an ok relationship with mil right now but I don't say htings that are too indept about myself and my feelings. I know that my H still tells her his side of the story and that she hardly ever ask my side of it. He probably paints me in a bad light most of the time but I guess I don't care that much anymore.

I hope that your mil gets past this stage soon. I do not blame the in laws for not wanting to go to the holidays if the OW is going. Right now you are still married to the H and he really has no right to bring her around liek that.

I hope things get better with this soon
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 09/06/09 06:57 AM
I think that eventually she will get past taking sides. Especially if you arent putting her in a position where feels like she has to defend her son, I just try to think how would you react if your son had done this? While you would be very disappointed, and would probably tell him so, you probably would feel like you had to defend him just a little.

I think that you are now (and have been all along) doing a great job, and you know it! Dont let her smack talking get you down!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/06/09 11:37 AM
its an awkward situation because she never says anything directly to me, i only know she has said a few things to her sister (h's aunt)...it is so nice to know that his extended family will speak up for me when it is necessary and justified even when i would never know what is being said about me.

i have pulled back from talking to mil as much and she notices im sure. i spoke a few times yesterday and will see them today at a cousin's birthday party.

i know i never wronged anyone and that im a great mother. its just hurtful to hear she can have what to say about me after everything, after us being best friends and next door neighbors. whatever.

otherwise im doing well, far removed from h, as he is from me. i have to sign some paperwork this week at my lawyer to start the ball rolling on the motion for support. i need money already! and health insurance from his new job.
Posted By: vickyd Re: he was back, i think - 09/15/09 04:12 PM
Doodles, how have you been? I take it no news is GREAT news. Hope you're well and having a good time GALing and that son is getting adjusted to his new neighborhood. Write back when you get a chance.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 09/17/09 03:49 AM
Hi Doodles, Just checking in on you, hows everything going?
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 09/17/09 05:03 AM
Haven't seen you on here lately? How are things going?

Did this link get locked out finally at 87 pages? How do you find doodles again if it did?
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 09/17/09 05:58 AM
Just click on her name and look at view posts.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 09/18/09 06:09 PM
It just shows the last posts for this sitch. Hope to hear from her again soon.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/18/09 08:39 PM
im here im here im here!!!!! so sorry that im falling out of touch, things alittle crazy and im distracted. which is a good thing! i need to catch up on everyone's situations, please know im thinking about all of u!

so i filed the motion for support with the court, spent a few hours going over the document and evidence to support with my attorney. he went to file it and we found out h had fild an rji, which requests a judge for our case but his attorney never served us or notified us. my attorney told me that h's attorney is a nice guy but not any good. oh well for him!

things between us are ugly. finally told son that daddy doesnt live here. he was surprised but he is ok because life isnt changing based on what i told him, he is used to it.

tonight is the jewish new year, going to my aunt. to summarize an ugly situation, i was invited with son to my mil for sunday, then basically uninvited bc h decided he would attend for first time in 4 years. so i assumed he would take son. NOPE!!!!!!!!

he is taking the ow!!!1 instead of son!!!! can u believe this? and, mil is letting him!!!!!

so that was a biggie this week. his aunt (mil sister) got involved and stood up for me...

oh well. its upsetting that ow will be at mil house, where i have been for last 10 years on this holiday, not to mention, it is next door to my house that i had to leave bc h was involved with her and my home foreclosed.

the family has told me they wont speak to her. im sure it wont be comfortable for anyone.

i put it in writing to my attorney so that he is aware that son was invited to a holiday at h's family and h decided to attend holiday without son! and its a jewish holiday and ow isnt even jewish!!! he will never get a holiday with son if he ever decides he wants one!

other than that stuff, im doing well. settling in, starting to look for a job...been keeping us busy, reconnected with some old friends, having some good laughs.

also, ran into that guy that i totally have a crush on, the one i went out with last month 2 times, i believe i mentioned him.

im like a school girl when it comes to him!

i will try to check in more often. hope everyone is doing well. thanks for thinking of me!
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 09/18/09 09:21 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
also, ran into that guy that i totally have a crush on, the one i went out with last month 2 times, i believe i mentioned him.

Does he show any interest in you?

Originally Posted By: mdoodles
im like a school girl when it comes to him!

Just dont play the school girl game by not letting him know you find him interesting. Some guys (like myself) need to have a lady light up the airstrip landing lights to help guide him in.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 09/19/09 07:10 AM
lol, Hi doodles, Im glad that you filed the motion! I take it that he is now gainfully employed? take it all! Im also glad that you finally told son about the sitch, painful yes, but it was needed.

Your H is a snake, but Im still surprised that he would rather have his little tart on his arm than his son at a holiday!

What kind of work do you want to do?

You did mention the guy, how did he react when he saw you again?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/19/09 12:03 PM
he was very interested in me, problem is that he isnt done "playing" and has told me he knows im not that kind of girl...i live in same neighborhood as him so i know more run ins will happen, happened the other morning as well....he was very friendly when i saw him, it was just awkward because we hadnt spoken...he has not contacted me, i had sent him one or 2 friendly, nonthreatening, nonemotional, "hey whats doing" emails with no response in the past.

not sure what his deal is, although im sure we will have a run in again. i know he had liked me, he told me! i know he was into me. he may just be in the "play" mode right now.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 09/19/09 06:04 PM
Dont let him cake eat! Oh, sorry I guess that we dont have to be quite so hardcore anymore! But seriously, I think that DBing can be totally useful in dating too.

Isnt he recently D? I thought I remembered you saying that. If thats the case then maybe your right, he might just be playing like a 20 year old again! I think thats pretty common, I did it last summer!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/19/09 08:53 PM
he is separated, his divorce is on trial now...he is totally playing like a 20 year old...its fun to have a crush, i dont think it will be much more than that for now. who knows down the road, i do know we hit it off so we will see..

went to h's aunt today for the holiday. it was nice and fine yet awkward with my sister in law who barely said hello to me! i never did anything to anyone, all i ever did was be nice to her and watch her kids for her when she worked! unbelievable.

so i heard tomorrow when psycho ow goes to my in laws for holiday they are going to say she is my sil's friend, in case any of the kid cousins ask. imagine going somewhere and lying about who u are!

i am upset though. its not even about h, i can really say im over wanting him back, its more about her, the battle ive had with her, her harassing me and taking my place at their house.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 09/19/09 10:51 PM
Well, just think about what a prize they have gained! When H told me that he still didnt want to try, one of my first thoughts was that I should contact the OW. The A has ended, but I thought that it was interesting how she was one of the first people that I thought of!

Speaking of her harrassing you, was there ever anything done about that?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/20/09 12:18 AM
remember? had her arrested and charged with aggravated harassment! i have an order of protection and she has to appear in court next week!!!!

nothing beats sending the mistress to jail!
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 09/20/09 04:09 AM
Thats what I was wondering about, I had remembered the arrest, but was curious if there had been more action taken. Im glad to hear that her court date is approaching!

Sending her to jail would be almost as satisfying as sending him to jail... maybe more, I cant exactly decide!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/20/09 11:47 AM
sending her to jail, in my opinion, is some seriously funny and satisfying revenge! and she did it to herself! i still laugh at how i had no part in it!

and he is still so angry! my friends and i laugh that she has to forever check the little box on applications saying she has been arrested! i want my friends to be at court when she is there, sitting in the back with hats and glasses on. not sure if anyone can go but we are working on it.

from what i understand, i can keep having the order extended so it doesnt expire next summer. i will see how i feel about it in the spring.

what a relief knowing son cant meet her in the near future.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 09/20/09 06:26 PM
Isnt H worried about how having someone who is about to be convicted of stalking will look during the custody negotiations?!

Ill bet hes still angry, and Ill bet it has a lot more to do with just you sending his mistress to jail. You were right! She was psycho, that alone could be inspiring his anger.

This had nothing to do with you, she is in trouble because of the choices that SHE made, dont let him try to talk to you like its your fault. Im glad that you dont believe him and ho whe tries to blame you.

I would love to be in the courtroom! And I sooo agree that it must be great to know that you son wont be around her anytime soon, but I will say that if anyone violates that, make sure that you dont let things get blurred. Dont allow the order to be breached, it wont give you much to stand on if she starts up again.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 09/21/09 03:32 AM
doodles....

good to hear form you again. I was wondering what was up!!

I feel your pain on the OW being invited to the holiday. That is truely wrong and like you said, to have to lie about who you are just in case someone asks? I would not want to be with a man that would have to lie about who I was just so I could go some where with him.

I sure hope the judge throws the book at her next week and can get her to leave you guys alone for good. Then you will hvae piece of mind that your son won't be around her anytime soon. I bet if that happens though that the H will get upset about it and 'attack' your feelings and motives about it. Don't let him get to you if he does.

Hope things pan out with the crush, if he decides to stop 'playing' and start crushing for you too.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/21/09 11:23 AM
so i heard that no one spoke to her yesterday, i will get more details today...not that i should but i feel like i need to.

havent spoken to my mil, i really dont feel like it right now. i know she didnt want it this way but she also lets things happen way too easily when it comes to h.

i am way to nice to him i decided. when he picks up son, i always give him my booster seat. today i am telling him to get his own for next time.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 09/24/09 02:24 AM
Thats great! Its nice when people sort of stand up for you like that.

I had the same thing happen with my MIL. She would tell me about how much she loved me and wanted our M to become strong again, all the while telling him that she understood what he was doing and he needed to do what made him happy; she enabled him.

Did he get his own booster seat? He should have one anyway!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 09/29/09 11:20 PM
so get this one everyone --- are u all sitting? ok good...i discovered that h went with psycho to disney world in august!!! yes, disney world. our home forecloses, he has no job, gives me no support and goes to disney world!!!!

hides it of course but not only do i find out, i have a picture of them to prove it with a date on it!!!!

is he unbelievable or what? our court date is next week, will go over really really well!!!!!!

so glad im over this situation, so glad im moving on. what a joke he has become....
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 09/30/09 12:32 AM
Incredible! You really can do better... You are planning on bringing this up in court, right?
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 09/30/09 03:38 AM
Fantasy land is a typical place for someone to go who is living a fantasy life.

Darn, I would love to see the look on his face when that picture is shown to the judge.
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 10/05/09 10:37 PM
WOW!!! What balls your H has to do something like that. I know when I went through court for child support, they brought up everything that me or the biological dad had spent our money on since the day my daughter was born.

I bought a horse trailer and a new truck (got a loan for it) and he actually had tne nerve to bring it up that if I could afford that then he should not have to pay so much in support. Judge really did not seem to care about that. What he did care about though was the fact that the bio dad did not want to pay so much in support but had taken his family on a week long vacation every year and that the bio dad was saying that he would be unable to do this if he had to pay support at all and that I was trying to take his family vacation away from him. Needless to say, I got the support that I wanted.

Now that I told that story....it would be a grand idea to bring that up in court and to have that pic to show to the judge.

I am hoping for good things to happen to you and your son in that court room next week. I can't wait to hear what happens and what the outcome will be.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/06/09 12:28 AM
so my court date is this wednesday. seems weird, im not nervous, just feel weird. tomorrow is my son's birthday, h is coming in the afternoon. it will be weird to see him tomorrow and then in court. maybe it will all hit him when we are in court. or maybe not.

i really hope to be awarded some money! i think its time! and i need health insurance! i need to go to the dr for my shingles pain, still suffering from it. and my son needs insurance, dont u think?

im doing well, all things considered..i like to think im totally over it but i was at a hockey game this weekend and certain things will trigger a memory, and its upsetting. i can though separate being upset for what once was from being upset and wanting him back, because i know i dont want him and couldnt want him.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 10/08/09 03:51 AM
Hi Doodles, just wanted to check in and see how court went... I hope that you got some $$$!

I know that this can be tough, no matter how ready you are, so I hope that you are doing ok!

(((doodles)))
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/08/09 06:21 PM
thanks for checking on me! court went ok!

it was really weird to walk in and see him sitting on a bench waiting. i did not look at him i sat and waited for my attorney on the other side of the waiting area.

went inside court room w my attorney, which is basically another waiting room! h was on opposite side with his attorney, who happened to be a "fill in" attorney for his usual one, not even an associate of the firm (dont ask)...

long story short, h wanted an adjournment bc they were not prepared for the motion i filed. he was to be given the standard one month to get his paperwork done, which includes net worth and response etc.

our lawyers went in back with judge, h trying to claim not working again. my att said, interesting, my client has a text from him from this weekend saying he was working and couldnt come on sunday...that went over real well!!!

his att attempted to keep him from paying me and judge didnt like it.

to top it all off, my att said, so how is he paying his living expenses, the 2 cars and phones, how did he bail her out of jail, who is paying for her to go back to school and who paid for his trip to DISNEY WORLD!!!!!!!

so his att was floored had no defense or a clue!

judge ordered his paperwork in within 7 days rather than a month and was instructed to voluntarily give me money within the next 7 days...i doubt he will!!!!!!

they will be imputing income and perhaps ordering him to try and get his old job back where he worked for 10 years and left to start our business.

so it went well. not sure what he was thinking when he came in and expected to keep getting away with not paying and claiming to not work!!!!

it was hard and not, im really doing ok!

not really thinking about the divorce part, more about the money right now...
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 10/08/09 07:16 PM
Wow!

It is good that your H's attorney was temporary. You dont want the L's to get in a competitive pissing match because one of them got burned in front of a judge.

It will be interesting to see what he puts down for income and assets now. Lying about it would be a huge mistake for him and I am sure his L will advice him as such. Most L's want to see a fair agreement reached.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 10/08/09 08:12 PM
Oh Im so glad that they brought up Disney World! It sounds like things are going well, I wonder how his fantasy is looking right now. I also think that KerryK is right about the lawyers not making it personal. And Im sure that your H's lawyers are ecstatic that he didnt share that information with them!

Im glad that you are doing well doodles!
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 10/08/09 09:18 PM
Doodles,

Sounds like it went just about as well as could possibly be expected -- EXCELLENT!!! grin

Sorry, dude, but I got one word for you:

Consequences.

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/08/09 09:46 PM
he has got to be wondering how i could possibly know about disney world!!!!!! hahahaha

puppy is right, perhaps he finally has a consequence for his actions..

did he really think he would get away without paying for his wife and child? one has to wonder...
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 10/08/09 09:52 PM
My old "infidelity mentor" told me his belief was that affairs immediately take off 40 I.Q. points from those in them. I've come to believe it!!!

(I had a simple GPS-enabled prepaid cellphone stashed in the trunk of my wife's car, which I could track via the internet. When I busted them for the second time, causing a bad case of affairus interruptus, I was able to listen later to what the voice-activated recorder had captured from its position Velcro'd underneath her driver's seat.

"HOW IN THE HELL IS HE FINDING US, IS HE FOLLOWING US???" she wailed.

"No," her acne-faced 29 yo boyfriend-who-still-lives-with-his-parents replied, oh-so smartly. "See this little antenna here, on your BMW?"

"Yeah?" my wife could be heard saying.

"Well, he's able to track you with that, thru the BMW Assist service. That's gotta be it," ol' Pimple said.

"Yeah," she replied. "I'm sure that's it."

It took me all of sixty seconds on the BMW website to learn that they will ONLY provide location information to a third party if the car is reported stolen, and the owner provides a criminal Case Number, and thru the ENTIRE thing -- busted multiple times -- they never even bothered to do a simple search of the car! grin )

Idiots!!! laugh
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 10/08/09 11:15 PM
Puppy,

Your story is pretty darn funny. Have you ever considered applying for a job with the CIA?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 10/09/09 01:47 AM
Originally Posted By: KerryK
Puppy,

Your story is pretty darn funny. Have you ever considered applying for a job with the CIA?


What, and have Obama subpoena my ass? No way!! laugh
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 10/09/09 04:17 AM
Love the story Puppy Dog Tails!!!

Mdoodles... I think it sounds like court really went in your favor for the judge to bipass the usual month down to 7 days. That will have you H scrambling to cover his but and to try and remember allthe lies that he has told you in the past. I am really glad to hear that the judge was able to see through the 'I can't pay for my family because I have no job' crap!!

(My ex still plays that card with the child support recovery place since he works for money under the table.)

I am glad that you will hopefully be getting some sort of support soon and maybe insurance too.

Thinking of you
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/10/09 12:31 PM
so i got a letter in the mail from the district attorney regarding the mistress. she is scheduled for a second court date in november! might go to trial!

i have to say, i want the whole thing to go away. i dont want to keep reliving it. i received another copy of an order of protection and this one didnt have my son's name on it.

i went crazy, called the DA and wouldnt let them off the phone until the issue was resolved. it turns out i filed 2 separate charges, there are 2 cases against her? no clue i did that...

so i have 2 orders in effect, i was so nervous that they reversed the one with my son but they didnt.

ugh, i was crying on the phone so upset! the DA asked me what i wanted to see happen to her. i have to be honest, at that point, all i cared about was keeping her away from my son and myself. so i simply said, i just want an order of protection to ensure she is to stay away from my son and me.

i could have said i want her in real trouble, i could have been meaner, but i wasnt.

i told my side of the story, questioning why she felt the need to harass me when she already had my husband living with her.

drama. i dont need it. i dont want to hear about her or from her. i want to move on!

but wow, between h and the divorce stuff that he needs to gather within a matter of days and her with the trial and retaining her own attorney, cant be too happy these days in paradise. or in disney world lol...
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 10/11/09 02:11 AM
Sounds like the fairytail is not so grand after all!!! I think that your H may be getting his just rewards pretty soon.

I would love to be fly on the wall in thier 'pumpkin' and listen to the arguements that have to be happening. I hope when all of this goes down and it finally comes to a legal end, that she sees that she is in over her head with your H and dumps his a$$.

I am happy to hear that you found out about the protection orders and got it squared away before you went to court and found out there. Good job on sticking to your guns about wanting her to stay away from you and your son. Some people, me included, have filed for a protective order and then wanting it to be done and over with, end up dropping it before it makes it to court. Great Job Girl.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/11/09 07:03 PM
so get this - - - h comes to see son today and when he dropped him off, handed son an envelope to give me because i wouldnt come to the door....in the envelope is his attempt at voluntarily giving me money. are u all sitting down????

a money order for $30!!!! yes, i said thirty dollars...

is he kidding me?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 10/11/09 07:24 PM
Hmmm. Maybe he was afraid you'd laugh in his face???
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/11/09 07:31 PM
does he think the judge is going to be pleased with his attempt at child support?
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 10/11/09 08:18 PM
Have you any idea on how you are going to invest it? You might want to put some in a treasury bond and another part in a mutual fund and then use the rest to pay bills.

When the judge hears of this feeble attempt, I dont know how they keep from laughing in court.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 10/12/09 12:55 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
does he think the judge is going to be pleased with his attempt at child support?


Well, it was either that or pay 2.5 days of his car payment, so . . .
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/12/09 01:33 PM
i really do wonder what the judge will think. did his lawyer tell him to only give me $30? i cant imagine. anything under $100 is an insult if u ask me.

i was actually upset this weekend about h. i can separate my feelings, its not that i want him back anymore, more just upset for what we once had, who he used to be. its sad.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 10/12/09 01:46 PM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
i really do wonder what the judge will think. did his lawyer tell him to only give me $30? i cant imagine. anything under $100 is an insult if u ask me.


A judge isn't going to care about you being insulted, Doodles. He or she is going to care about whether you and your son's financial needs are being met, what your husband's ability to pay is, and how that small $30 contribution compares to other things he may or may not be squandering marital assets on.

I think you said he's making a large car payment? Can he realistically sell that car and get something cheaper? What other expenses does he have, and what else is he spending his money on?

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/12/09 01:50 PM
he claims he sold the porsche, we want to know if he made money on it because technically its marital property. our insurance still showed the porsche as of mid sept so who knows if he really sold it.

he is driving the car he got her which is not expensive, $300 a month. his paperwork is due this week listing his expenses but someone paid for disney world!

and he sold the contents of the store and gave me nothing so that money is in question right now.

he is paying cell phones, internet, the car, the insurance and living expenses for himself. he bailed her out of jail and we want to know he is paying for her college tuition.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 10/12/09 01:51 PM
I think he's pretty much screwed. smirk
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 10/13/09 05:55 PM
$30!!! OMG that is an insult if I have ever seen one.

How can he expect that kind of money to go far in todays economy. I hope that the judge can see through this attempt to help out with support when you can hopefully show documents that shows what H is spending his money on and where it is all going. Don't think H won't lie on any of his paperwork. See if you can do some sort of research to find out some of the info on you own. If you can, then if/when your H tries to lie about it to the judge you and your lawyer will be able to rebute it just like last time. That's what won my case. My own leg work on the net and public records.

Don't let this man walk all over you just so he can have a better life with the OW. Stand up, just like you have been doing so great at lately, for what you believe you and your son deserves.

When do you go back to court?
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 10/13/09 08:16 PM
Hi Doodles, $30 is ridiculous. Im sure that the judge will see it for what it is. I hope that he will be forthcoming with his paperwork! When do you go back to court?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/15/09 12:57 AM
ok so i received his response to my motion....this is way too stressful!

he is such a liar! how one can lie in court papers, i do not know!

claims we never had a happy marriage, that i denied him sex(i hear they all say this but its not true!)

claims he never wanted to reconcile, nor did he tell me he wanted to. claims he never came home, that he lived with his parents!!!!! is he for real???????

doesnt have a job, was temping or something...filed chapter 7, i decided he is purposely not taking a well paying job so that he could file chapter 7!

oh and get this one, he never gave me the luxury lifestyle i have grown accustomed to! my parents did....ummm, who insisted we travel everywhere by limo for fun?

so now i have to go over the whole document, which i dont ever want to look at again, and rebutt everything he is claiming with evidence, which we all know i have.

and perhaps i will locate those limo receipts!

it hurts, it really does. i was doing rather well and then i have to see this kind of stuff. im sure i will feel better tomorrow once i get over the initial shock of it all...and i know the truth and so does he.

the pyscho girl doesnt know the truth or just doesnt want to.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 10/15/09 02:06 AM
I'm sorry, Doodles. I know this doesn't make you feel any better, but it is pretty typical. Pathetic, but typical.

Puppy
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 10/15/09 02:14 AM
Hey doodles...That sounds so crappy. I have no other word for it right now.

My advise to you is to put that paper down or away somewhere for 24 to 48 hours. Don't try to do the paperwork (unless there is a specific reason that you need to have it done immediatly)while your emotions are everywhere.

You have a right to be angry, streesed, shocked, and whatever else your feeling right now. I say deal with rebutting that paper in a couple of days after you have had time to clear your head, so you can think of the answers and where to get the evidence that you need to be able to rebut the lies.

I found this to work for me after I would get a file full of lies from my daughter's sperm donor. I realize that a custody hearing may have different aspects to it than what your case has in it with all the finacial, the divorse, custody(?), and the OW involved, but I would assume that our emotions are pretty close to each other's.

Your H is lying to the judge cuz he is living in his fairy tale world still. You are finally reading what his side of the M is in his and the OW's mind. It may hurt to read it and it may make you angry, but now you can see what their 'distorted look at reality' is.

Chin up girl. Take a day to play with your son and not look at that paper.

Hugs to you!!
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 10/15/09 06:31 AM
Doodles, dont you have it documented when he moved back in? Why would he start a business with someone he was on the verge of D-ing? I would do everything I could to bury him! Hes really not doing himself any favors by being dishonest, and hopefully your judge will see right through him.

BTW, Hows your neighbor/crush doing? I just found out that a guy I have had the biggest high school crush on is only 20! Oh well, all he has to do is sit there and look pretty!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/15/09 11:25 AM
oh my crush! ahhhh...yes....lol....i saw him the other day, we were both pulling out of the neighborhood, i was going left,he was going right, we made eye contact when i turned my head and then i turned. it was way to quick for me to react and wave or anything....havent run into him to actually talk in a month. hope to though!!!!!
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 10/15/09 04:13 PM
As lost-in-Iowa says - just take some time to settle your emotions before rebutting. Dont let what is written on their response get to you - remember the L's are the one's writing this.

BTW... You husband is a loser scum bag for trying to weasel out of supporting his own child.

Hey lost-in-Iowa - are you anywhere near Omaha? I was just curious because BobbiJo in the Separated forum is from Iowa and lives near Omaha.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/15/09 08:51 PM
i couldnt let the motion sit. i needed to attack it so that i could put it behind me. just spent 3 hours responding to the document. i went item by item and wrote my response. 49 items total i think!!!! he is trying to claim he didnt know we were trying to save our home. well, my real estate attorney has agreed to sign an affidavit saying otherwise!!!!

i also went through my drawers gathering receipts showing what he paid for showing how he gave me my "luxury lifestyle".
he should know better than to mess with me when it comes to documentation.

i love that he also tries to say he never came home to me and is living with his parents! unbelievable! so unbelievable!

i feel better now that i went through it all and answered it all. i sent the lengthy response email to my attorney who will now go over it all.
Posted By: Kimmie Lee Re: he was back, i think - 10/15/09 09:09 PM
Good for you!

I did the same thing in response to my ex's ridiculous motions and the lies within them.

I answered line by line, with the truth, and boy, did it ever make him look stupid in front of the judge.

Why do they think they can get away with this crap? It actually made me embarrassed that I had married someone so stupid.
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/15/09 10:26 PM
isnt it amazing? i hate him so much right now yet, when i dig through the old receipts, the old cards and whatever stuff of his i still have, i miss him so so so so much. but that person isnt here. not anymore, its just so weird!

i knew there was a reason i never through out receipts from my pockets! i just went through all of my jackets and came up with so many receipts from my amex card showing expenses he claims he never paid for me! as well as our welcome letter to the ritz carlton where he took me for my birthday...

i wouldnt want to meet me in court lol
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 10/15/09 10:49 PM
Originally Posted By: William Congreve
Heav'n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn'd.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 10/16/09 03:21 AM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles


i also went through my drawers gathering receipts showing what he paid for showing how he gave me my "luxury lifestyle".
he should know better than to mess with me when it comes to documentation.




LOL -- sic 'em, Doodles! Hahahaha.

You guys ever see the movie "Thief"? With Jim Belushi and James Caan? There's this great quote of Caan's in the movie:

"I . . . and the last guy in the world . . that you wanna F&*k with!"

Puppy

"I am the last guy . . . "
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 10/16/09 05:37 AM
Ive already offered to spit in his coffee for you, right? Just give me a call and Im there...
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/16/09 11:19 AM
thanks everyone! i keep thinking of new information and keep emailing it off to my attorney. each email costs me money but i have no choice but to defend myself.

oh, and how about this one? i had the "extra-ordinary" luxury of a housekeeper? i had a woman who came to clean for 2 hours twice a month, considering the size of my house and the fact that i raised our child by myself because he abandoned us, doesnt make a cleaning person so "extra-ordinary"....
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 10/16/09 12:12 PM
Originally Posted By: bluerain
Ive already offered to spit in his coffee for you, right? Just give me a call and Im there...


Put a fish in his hubcap. He'll never know where the smell is coming from. grin

Better yet, put a fish in a rear hubcap, and one in the trunk. Having found one, he'll be certain he's removed the source of the stink, and he'll never think to look for the other. smirk

I know, I know -- I'm bad. laugh

Puppy
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 10/16/09 08:03 PM
Puupy you are soooo funny!!! LOL!!

KerryK I live on the other side of Iowa from Omaha. It's about a 6 hour drive from here I guess.

Doodles, good for you to be calm and effitent(sp?) when it came to going over the paper. That is the best way to approach those type of letters that are passed between lawyers. You are doing great on coming up with the proof that rebuts his lies from the sound of it. Keep it up. When you do guys go back to court?

How's your little man doing?

What have you done for yourself lately? You sound like you have been busy doing all this court and paper work. You must need a good manicure!!! LOL!! Don't forget to take time for yourself to allow yourself to destress and relax. Even if it's only for a moment or two.
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 10/20/09 03:59 AM
A fish in the hubcap?! Thats a great idea! You know, personally, I think that regular meat smells way worse than rotten fish... go for a porkchop! I could probably hook you up with some dead otter, they are super stinky!
Posted By: orangedog Re: he was back, i think - 10/20/09 06:29 AM
Yuuuuk! you guys are mean.
Posted By: smith18 Re: he was back, i think - 10/20/09 07:58 PM
There is no reason to waste some good dead animal...go with Durian in the hubcap....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQj-hFfmYkQ
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/21/09 11:19 AM
thanks for the ideas but im not one for revenge like that lol...i think it all happens on its own, the whole "what goes around comes around" theory...look at how psycho mistress basically got herself in trouble! i did nothing at all to provoke her and she flipped on her own and gave me enough evidence to nail her for it!

in fact, im more of the kill'em with kindness..i even let h come in the other day when son wanted him to, i am nothing but polite, i think when im nice, it makes it harder for him to be mean and makes him wonder why he is so bitter towards me when in fact we all know i never did anything to him!

tomorrow is his 30th birthday, today is the anniversary of when we got engaged. so sad but really im fine.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 10/21/09 12:21 PM
OK, but nothing says "Happy Birthday" quite like a two-week-old rotting carp, I say. sick

Puppy
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 10/22/09 03:08 AM
Oh fine doodles, you and your maturity!

All in all, I agree with your post. Anything that they get needs to be plain and simple fall-out from the rotten decisions that they have made... and I expect said fall-out to start arriving very soon. I guess with the OW getting in trouble, it already has!
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 10/25/09 05:22 AM
Just checking in to see how you are doing?
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 10/26/09 05:25 PM
thanks for checking on me, im doing great!

i have my moments when i reflect on my marriage, but really, im fine.

will write more later.hope u are well lost in iowa!
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 11/03/09 03:35 AM
Hi doodles, Im glad that things are going good! Have things been going well as far as court and the process goes?
Posted By: lost-n-Iowa Re: he was back, i think - 11/06/09 04:13 AM
Have not seen you on here for a long time. How is things going?
Posted By: K4D Re: he was back, i think - 11/20/09 05:25 PM
Where did mdoodles go?

Kevin
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 11/26/09 11:21 AM
(((((mdoodles)))))

Happy Thanksgiving to you and Little Son!!!!!

Sanderika
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 11/30/09 12:26 PM
hi guys!!!!! my computer has been broken but i have been thinking about all of you!

i am doing so so so so great! i am dating a wonderful man since mid october and he treats me better than h ever did, its truly amazing.

as for h, we do not speak, very minimal contact and our case is moving very slowly. funny that it is me trying to speed things up! he has not paid me, i am waiting for court ordered money. its a mess but honestly, i block it all out because im moving on and enjoying life again.

it may have taken me a long time but here i am.

hope you are all doing well and i will check in as often as possible now that i have a computer again.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: he was back, i think - 11/30/09 01:08 PM
It's great to hear you are so happy, Doodles. You deserve it!

Merry Christmas,

Puppy
Posted By: mdoodles Re: he was back, i think - 01/05/10 12:28 AM
happy new year everyone...i dont post often but i did want to check in...

things with me are great, still dating the same wonderful man and enjoying every single second!!!!!!

as for h, nothing too new..he still isnt paying me, our next court date is feb 4....we do not really talk. he is still with psycho ow, i still have order of protection for myself and my son.

our case is moving at a snails pace, i am waiting for the judge to force him to pay me. he still claims to be unemployed.

i am not too close with his family anymore, i guess it was to be expected. that is probably the hardest part, maybe the part i mourn the most.

hope you all are doing well.

i think im a good story to read from the start of the posts to the present time.

if i can make it to happiness, there is hope for everyone!
Posted By: bluerain Re: he was back, i think - 01/05/10 07:43 AM
Hi Doodles, nice to see you, just winding down before bed. I hope that things continue to go well for you.

Look me up on FB if you want. Its my username with a 42 at the end. And I receive my email from hot mail.

Happy New Year, and I hope that 2010 holds nothing but fabulous things for you my friend!
Posted By: Sanderika Re: he was back, i think - 01/05/10 11:23 AM
Hi mdoodles,

Happy, Happy New Year to You and Little Son!!!!!

You sound so marvelous!!!!

I am happy for you and as said before I admire your strength and courage.

The courts will eventually make a move, all you can do is sit it out.....the end will be soon en