Well my old thread finally locked. Here is my old sitch for anyone who was following..
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1696715&page=3#Post1696715Well update. Saw WH at work today and told me he is "no longer manager". one of the guys that worked FOR him is not the "temporary manager" till the new sr manager starts. I asked him if it was because of the situation (H having affair with direct report), and he says "oh no", they were just looking for a scapgoat and replaced me.
He actually seemed like he was in a good mood. It was like he was sooo far in the fog and figure he got away with getting fired.
Doesn't he care he threw his career out the window for the OW???
I acted as if that was the reason he was replaced. Did not say it was because you had s-e-x with your direct report.
The worst part he might end up going to work in the building where the OW works and may actually sit in the same room.
How did the Karma bus pass me by again???
unbelievable.
Hope,
That is crazy!!! I understand the demotion, but not putting them together working.
I am working home today because I just need to be out of there today.
Doesn't anyone get it. My only prayer is that if they work together, spend every night together it will take what is left of the fantasy away.
God has a plan and I have to have faith in that. I don't get it nor understand this.
Higher Ways
Steven Curtis Chapman
If I could only fly
I'd go up and look down from the sky
So I could see the bigger picture
And Lord if I could sit with You
At Your feet for an hour or two
I'm sure I'd ask too many questions
'Cause there's so much going on down here
That I must confess I just don't understand
BRIDGE
But I have prayed
And at your feet my whole life has been laid
So I wont worry I wont be afraid
'Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways
Let the road ahead become unclear
I am Yours so what have I to fear
If my soul is resting on Your higher ways
CHORUS
Your higher ways teach me to trust You
Your higher ways are not like mine
Your higher ways are the ways of the Father
Hiding His children in His love
BRIDGE
So let it rain
And if my eyes grow dim with tears of pain
This hope I have will not be washed away
'Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways
Someday I will fly and
Maybe then You will take me aside
And show me the bigger picture
But until I'm with You
I'll be here with a heart that is true
And a soul that's resting on
Your higher ways
Puppy, that was beautiful.
Hope, all the best-laid plans. He's still foggy but have faith.
That song helped me thru some real tough times in my life. I like its vulnerability, like the singer is not some "super Christian" who never goes thru moments of pain, confusion, helplessness and fear. Even Jesus Himself wept in the garden -- from fear -- the night before he was betrayed.
And yet, the song is hopeful, in its message that there IS a higher plan for us.
Hope,
If the Karma bus passed you by again, it just means it's loading up. When it comes it will be FULL!
Working together and spending nights together will take it's toll. Been there, done that. It didn't take long and we were at each others throats!
I believe like puppy said, there is a higher plan for us. stay strong!
Thanks all for stopping. I loved the verses. These past few days I feel as if this is in God's hands (not like it wasn't before but i was not allowing it).
I almost pity my H for what he missing out on and choosing something so much less.
God is working on him and God is workng with me. How can I go wrong. Take care.
toot toot Karma bus coming our way.
toot toot Karma bus coming our way.
Then its time to stay on the sidewalk...
Lately I feel like a failure as a Mom. Have been trying to do all the right things with D15, taking her to counselor, doctor for headaches, soccer practices, trying to spend time with her in between her friends but there is such a void here without H.
H and I used to balance each other for D15 but now everything is out of whack. I can't balance alone, and I can't be both to her. I know he is in the fog and is with plastic pinata but to be out of her life so completely and just say "oh she does not want to see me".
Last week we saw a small young dog at an adoption and D15 really wanted to bring her home. We already have a dog but I know this house is lonely for her with just the 2 of us rambling around so I told her we would go get it. Well went down and they adopted it after I told the shelter we were coming to pick it up. She was heartbroken. We looked around at others but we both liked the little girl we found. D15 came home and fell asleep at 7:30. Maybe she was hoping this dog would replace her Dad;s love, as sad as that sounds. She is looking at a dog to replace her father's love and H has replaced my love with a pig.
I was supposed to go to a friend's house from work with members of her church to watch some movie and have pizza. I canceled. I know I am supposed to keep working on myself. But there is only so much of me to give. I need to support my D and there is not much more for myself. I do keep up with the gym during the week but these weekends, oh God these weekends are tough.
After 6 months of H not living here I would think it would get easier but it seems tougher these days. I feel like I am grieving him but he is not dead. There is no cemetery to visit, no headstone with his name, no flowers to leave. He is alive and well and we are the ones that die a little each day. I know he is in a fog, I see it but how can he be so cruel to do this to us. I see it everyday. I keep praying.
You are not a bad Mom, you are just overwhelmed. Your daughter knows what her Dad is doing is very wrong. I have seen it in my two girls and they are younger than her. My boys have a hard time even being with him. They tell him the truth about their feelings and he just thinks they are being hurtful or getting it from me.
I am sorry about the dog. I actually bought the kids a ferret after one of their other pets died. He has been a God send. He nearly died last year from pneumonia and it cost more than we paid to save him but my kids have relied on his antics and love to help them with this. I even broke down and bought a female last year so our male doesn't get too worn out.
You are grieving him because for all practical purposes the man you married has been abducted and replaced with someone you barely recognize. You really don't want the person he is now back but who he was before. Think of it like him being on drugs and how the drug can alter his personality. I am really starting to think that having an affair must produce some sort of drug that alters them so otherwise they couldn't live with themselves.
I am coming up on his A hitting the 3 year mark. We were divorced 8 months ago and I don't want him back, but I do feel for my kids. I don't know how any sane man could do it.
Hang in there. Hugs,
kat
I think thats just it! They arent sane while this is going on. We own our house, and were discussing selling it, I told H that I didnt know how I was going to find a place that would let me have 2 150lb dogs and 3 ferrets, his solution: put them all to sleep. He loves them as much as Ive ever seen him love anything, and to suggest ending their lives so he could stick it in a 22 married bar skank truly showed me that the man I loved was MIA.
I had people tell me he was acting like a drug addict, I even asked him once if he was on drugs.
After the A ended I am seeing some of the good ol' H, but the things he said and did during that period of time were awful.
Have you tried responding to his "oh, she doesnt want to see me" with a "Yes, she does" ?
Hope,
I think many of us have had the feeling of being a bad parent during this crisis.
It seems the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You want to fall apart, but you know you have to be strong for you children and try to hide your emotions. I don't know how many times I had to fight back tears. My DD who was 15 at the time would ask me what was wrong. I would tell her I was really tired, I did not want her to know what a wreck I was for fear of upsetting her more.
You also go through worrying that you aren't being a good parent. I remember thinking if she gets in trouble or something happens to her it will all be my fault and he will get custody of her. This was all the while he had absolutey no responsibilities as far as child rearing went. He could go and do whatever he wanted. If he wanted to go off for the weekend, he just went. He hardly ever saw or called her. I on the other hand had to always be home to make sure that DD was taken care of. Teenagers will be teenager, and I was not going to leave her unsupervised.
DD is almost 18 now. I must say that she has turned out well, even if it means tooting my own horn. It was a time of turmoil for her, but she stayed on the right path. She will be going to college in the fall and is looking forward to it. Although I'm excited for her, I will miss her immensely. One thing that has come out of this, is the close relationship that we have developed.
It was ironic that over spring break DD went to FL with some friends. When she called and asked her dad's permission (yes, I told her to), he made the comment, "Behave yourself, you know I raised you right." Of couse DD and I thought, "yeah, right". They know who has been there for them.
You and your DD will be fine. She will continue to love and respect you. It's not your fault that she wants nothing to do with her dad right now. He is the man that she loves and looked up to. He has let her down. Hopefully, their relationship will improve.
Hugs, Yoyo
Hope, You are doing everything right for DD15. It must be extremely hard for you and the whole puppy sitch. You are not a failure by any means. In fact, the pain she is going thru now will probably serve her well in the future. We all experience ups and downs in life, she is learning how to cope under your care, isn't that better that she has you around for this under the circumstances?
Hi Hope, how did you guys cope with Easter? How are DD's?
Thanks to you all who have supported me these last days. It is a struggle but doing a little bit better even though today was rough. First, we officially have a new dog...or should I say puppy. Wanted an older dog but here sits our new 11 week old puppy. Part rat terrier, maybe daschund not sure but she is adorable. D15 is in love with her even with the lack of sleep when she cries at night. Not what I planned but I guess it was God's plan to keep me busy.
Well here I am stuffed like a pig..too much lasagna, ham and all the trimmings. My neighbors were great and we did have some laughs this Easter.
The puppy is a blessing even though she has had those puppy accidents. She keeps us amused and there is more laughter in our house than in the last 6 months watching her antics. Strange to have another pet in the house and H does not know.
Had a little breakdown at Church this morning but managed to keep my tears behind my sunglasses. Just missed my H, not the alien he has become. Kept wondering if H was at another church with the plastic pinata and how they were spending the day with her family. I got over it after awhile but it was some rough moments. Coming on 10 months when this A started.
Will it ever end.
The puppy sounds adorable. My daughter did the same thing of getting a new puppy when H left. She wanted a dog that would be all hers and love her. Our other dog was very attached to me. Well, guess what? The new one still loves me, but she loves her "mommy" also. Like you both, we would have never gotten another dog with H around. It's almost as if DDs are looking to fill a void...
Sorry you had a rough day with the thoughts of your H. Hang in there, you are in my thoughts.
Hugs
I was at church for Easter as well but instead of crying, I felt great joy because the sermon was about a new hope, a new life. Now, you could take that to mean both sides (new hope can mean returning H) and a new life could mean that you can have a fabulous life without H. Either way it's a win. I felt so full, filled with goodness, hopefulness and blessings after the service. I should go to church more often.
But Hope, no news on the H front after the last convos you posted. Are you keeping your stay dark plan?
It's good that the puppy is a distraction for you and D15 and at least bringing some joy into your lives.
well journaling some new info about the plastic pinata. I got an interesting phone call from the PI tonight. He went by PP's house on Friday night and saw a truck he did not recognize. Weeeelllll, drum roll please, seems PP had a guest...
Yesiree it was a MALE caller. First I thought maybe it was a relative but he said no he was a tall white cowboy type 6 ft 2 with a big ole ford truck. Found out he was from Houston, worked in the oil field industry and guess what HE STAYED OVER and they went to a local Mexican rest. and held hands????? WTH does this mean.
Does WH know...I am sure he does not know. The PI said that she probably told H that she was going out of town to visit family and had this guy over. Very typical of this type of woman. He said he did not see them kiss but they were "cozy".
What do I do with this information??? I don't know. Can't tell H that I am having them followed. Can't put PP on her guard. If I told H he would not believe me, but it was shocking to me.
I have been praying lately for the OW to have conviction. I prayed that she would realize that my H is not the man for her and that she would leave him.
I have to wait and see how this plays out. Soccer practice was canceled tonight again so H did not show up.
What a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.
OMG, Hope! Goodie for you! It seems God heard your prayers over Easter. This is a fantastic first step even if you don't do anything with this information. Even still it means that OW is not completely dug her claws into H and won't let go, right? At least you don't have that to contend with. Don't our H's know that if they get themselves tangled up with a moraless woman (i.e. someone who would steal a married man) then she herself have few morals in other aspects of her life. Geez!
Hi PM, I thought I would not sleep last night but slept like a baby. Had my prayer session with God and I will keep trying to turn it over to him.
I found when I tried to control the situation I was helpless, now that I have found some strength to let go and let God, somethings are happening.
These past few weeks H has been trying to be nice. I am always suspicious because I think maybe with D coming that he is hoping I will be "fair" with him. (Like he was fair with me??? No he had an Af-fair). But I need to just let it be and continue to work on myself.
I am just coming to a place where I have been trying to do a personal inventory and recognize the changes I have to make for myself. I want to restore my M but I need to like myself enough to let myself be happy again.
Will keep everyone posted.
PM,
Interesting news about PP's overnight guest. Hmmmm...your poor H, she is cheating on him!
Man, Karma has a way of biting them in the butt, doesn't it?
Sounds like you growing stronger everyday. Hang in there my friend, you are doing well.
Hugs
So any news on the PP's OM?
Hi, well did a little sleuthing on my own (amazing what you can find on the internet.). Found OM2 address, what type of work he does and guess what...drum roll -- HE is MARRIED.
Plastic Pinata destroying another M. I cannot tell the OM W because I don't know where to say the information came from. I have to stay silent.
I do have to say that it has done wonders on my own confidence. I almost have an attitude (a good one) when H calls. All i can think about is that PP you left me for is already messing around on you. I would almost feel sorry for him...almost.
Will keep you posted. No word on the D. Keep praying.
Hope, you have not visited awhile. Are you OK? I am thinking of you everyday :-)
Hi PM and everyone,
Been on project from work and trying to keep busy.
I have to say I am discouraged. For awhile H kept sending me e-mails and calling for random things but I think he met with his sleazy atty and found out the financials are not what he expected. All is quiet since then.
I got some more stuff that I have to provide from Atty. Hate this.
Nothing on OW cheating on H. I have kept quiet because lets face it -- he will never believe me that the light of his life would cheat on him. Doesn't he get it.. If she cheats with you she will cheat on you.
H finally showed up for D15 soccer practice last week. She totally ignored him. He then showed up for her soccer game on Sunday which got forfeited last moment by other team. He told D28 that he was embarassed because when he came D15 went over to the coach and then the coach and a few of the players turned around and looked at him and then I came and he saw D15 call me out to the field. She told me that her father was there and she did not want him there. AS the C advised I told her if she does not want him there she needs to tell him herself. The C told me that M stood for Mom -- not middleman.
It makes me mad that sometimes D28 has sympathy for him. I told her so what if he is embarrassed. Was I embarrassed coming to work everyday while he was carrying on with his employee? NOW that is embarrassment.
D28 is flying in this Saturday and staying a week. She will see H but D15 still wants nothing to do with him. H thinks that D15 is acting like that because she knows I am easier on her than him. Fog babble babble babble. Not because he lied to her and walked out on us. THAT has nothing to do with her????
I am keeping busy but some days are harder than others. This is one of them.
This will pass...
Hope, how is it with D28? I know it's hard when it seems that she is taking his side. What she is trying to do is to try to see things from his POV as well and she probably really wants him to bond with D15, to pull the family together the best she can. So don't be too harsh on her. She has her heart in the right place.
It seems you are still on the roller coaster ride but knowing that OW is seeing other people must be a huge relief for you, it would be for me. It means she is not THAT serious in your H. It's a good thing. Is there no way that you can inadvertantly let H know about her infidelity? No way at all? Through a mutual friend, perhaps?
Hope, I need your moral support. I am having a joint counselling session with H tomorrow. Can you visit my thread? I am not panicking but a little nervous. I want to be my best DB self for tomorrow.
Hi, have not checked in for a bit. D29 kept me busy till she left Sunday morning then I had a huge assessment at work (my most major project for the year).
First, the confirmation was on Saturday. It was a beautiful ceremony. Yes, WH came. He sat in the last pew of the church in a new suit, tie and watch. Glad one of us has money. My neighbor, and a few of D15's friends were there also for support.
It was amazing when the Bishop started to talk to the candidates and started to call about after we are born and how our parents care and love them and raise them with values and teach right and wrong. He goes on to say that in about 15 years time they will start to get married. That they need to understand that you do not fall in and out of love. That is not love it is a decision and a choice. The Bishop then says once you say "I Do" based on our religion and faith it is till Death do you part, not because we are tired of each other, not because we get mad but because it is what God wants. We make a commitment and we stick with it. And there is WH in the back listening to this. My neighbor says to me, you don't have to say a word God is doing it all for you throwing this huge roadblock out. It was something to hear.
After the confirmation they called all the Mom's up to the altar and gave us a flower. I was crying thinking about how my Mom did not come to visit. WH was watching me and put his head down.
When it was over, I turned the corner and ran into WH. His eyes were filled with tears. I must have looked startled and just said doesn't our D look beautiful. He says I have a gift for her but not sure if she will accept it. Well D29 comes over and takes WH over to see D15. He gives her an expensive charm bracelet with 4 charms. (can't imagine what his charges are up to). D15 said in the car later that she is mad at her WH and she has no respect for him but she felt she missed him when she saw him. I told her whatever she does is her own decision and I support her.
Well now she is texting and talking to him. She called me on Monday with a stomach flu and I was in the middle of assessment and I told her I could not take her and she said that I could ask her father. He picked her up and then I guess she brought him in the house and showed him the puppy and our other dog. They sat in the back for a little while.
Why am I feeling a little jealous? I do want her to have a R with her father but it will just make it more lonely for me here if she starts to visit with him again. My life here is so much more limited than being away from my friends/family no matter how hard I try to get out. Not sure where I belong anymore. I don't belong here and feel I don't belong back east. I feel lost.
Then today I saw the plastic pinata (first time since Nov), I was in her building and when she saw me she ran down the stairs. I wish I could push her. It makes me angry that she has had nothing happen to her. She has her family, friends, job and my H and goes along merrily along. I just hate her and it disturbed me seeing her.
Well we passed the assessment with flying colors but I feel empty inside. This is the first huge project that I have achieved alone and no one to share the success. H and I used to really help each other workwise and now there is no one to come home to that understands all the work it took. He is demoted, in love with a pig and all I have is my job.
Heard from Atty, turned in more stuff. This D might be finished in the next few months if there is an agreement (there won't be). It will be a year next month when WH started the A with the pig and it looks like there is no end in site.
Sorry this is so long but just catching u
Hi Hope,
Your words, "It makes me angry that she has had nothing happen to her. She has her family, friends, job and my H and goes along merrily along. I just hate her and it disturbed me seeing her."
I know how you feel and I think this negativity ultimately hurts you, not anyone else. Can you find it in your heart to forgive the unforgivable? I am not saying to forget what she has done to you or your family but to follow the steps of of Jesus and try to find compassion in our hearts and turn out the hate. I really feel for you wholeheartedly. You know that. In order to save yourself, I'd like to see you be at peace. Does that make sense?
Your friend is right, God was speaking for you. I KNOW that your H was listening to every word. It HAD to have made an impact. In fact, God has probably answered your prayers because your D15 is finally finding some peace within herself and starting to rebuild her R with her dad. I KNOW you don't want to see her suffer but you know this ultimately is in her best interest. Maybe with rebuilding an R with D15, he may even entertain the idea of rebuilding an R with you?? The pull of the family is very strong, it's is a very good thing that he and D15 are getting along. Remember, DB is anti-intuitive.
Congrats on your big successful project. Don't be too humble and underplay your success. I KNOW you worked hard for it and your worked though all the pain you were suffering. So you DESERVE the kudos! Be proud of what you have achieved. Not many people can do what you do in the most trying of circumstances, Hope. So what if you don't have anyone to share it with? You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You did it for you, so go and celebrate!
((((((Hope))))),
I understand all of the feelings you are experiencing. We are human after all.
I hope your week is going okay.
My DD graduates Thurs. night. I'm dreading the awkwardness. Both sides of the family will be there. Well, actually I'm assuming his side will be there. They really don't have any contact with her.
Hi just stopping by. Thanks PM and yoyo for always checking on me.
Well a few updates. After H sending D15 numerous texts and calls, D15 told him that she wanted him to back off because she still has not respect for him and he has lost his values. Back to square one.
D15 has met with IC a few more times and the IC is very happy with her progress even with the lack of contact with her father. The important part is that SHE is happy with her decision. IC said she can end therapy and they agreed she is in a good place with her for herself. I am proud of the progress she has made.
Ran into H last week in hallway. Tried to be nice to him but he is up in arms about our finances. Worried that I am hiding money (he took out money from his 401K - I took out money from mine), he is in a panic because he has buried himself financially and now looking towards what we have built all of these years to feed his A. He just moved out of his apt (not that he was ever there) and I think moved in with OW.
Our mediation for next week got postponed. Do not think it will be rescheduled for another 3 weeks to a month.
Have been out a little bit with people from work and they have been very supportive. They all seem to know and that has freed me a bit.
I need to take one day at a time. I still am in that place that I have love in my heart for my husband, not the alien he is right now. I always pray that man will return.
Hi Hope,
Your DD15 is so strong. There are few adults that would have the nerve to stand up to someone like she did.
I'm glad to know she is at a good place right now. I just hope your H doesn't mess that up. I'm sure he can't understand what he has done to make her alienate him.
Hugs to you and I'm glad that you are forming new friendships.
Yoyo
Hope, I am glad your DD15 is in a good place right now. It's good that you got the help that she needed.
I think men really get scared when the financial reality of what they have done hits. Not so much with the relationships side. The money, though, that is a different matter altogether. My H is at the same stage.
checking in to update. Mediation on again for the end of the month and a court date for the end of July. In this state there is no waiting period so it does not take much time to bite the big D.
Have not seen H since the financial blow up. I looked at his financials and he is basically broke. Blew all of the money he took from 401K, racked up his 2 CC to the max and now all he does is complain about lack of money. I think he is in panic mode because he is not going to get what he thought he was "entitled" to .
H talked to to D28 and he said he was tired of everyone telling him he was "depressed". He said he was happy, no one gets it he is happy now. It hurt to hear that but I still praying they will implode at some point. He does not want to hear anyone's lectures (I have no control over what others say to him!)
The plastic pinata wants him but she might not get what she bargained for. When this started a year ago he was a manager - he no longer is; she thought he would get a decent settlement (Our state is community property and it is not good here for D) well then the stock market crashed along with our 401K; no-one would know about the A - everyone knows and has no respect for either and the list goes on.
Our good friends are coming from China this week and staying with me and D15. My H last year stood up for him when he was remarried in the church. Our friend told me he was going to play golf with H. I do not know if H is aware that our friend knows who H is having the A with. I am staying out of it. I pray that God gives our friends the right words.
D15 is still not speaking to H. She has strong values and does stand up for herself. He has lost all this time since October. He has not seen her for one dance, one high school soccer game, hanging out and laughing in the bedroom, EVERYTHING. No pictures, nothing. It is like he is a ghost. And his excuse...she doesn't want to see me.
All these waywards it is the same scripts.
((((((Hope)))))))
Your H is a sad little pathetic man. He is finding that "happiness" comes with price.
How sad that he is losing his daughter. One day he will realize the "treasures" that he lost because of his selfishness. And I'm not talking monetary. He lost the the biggest treasure of all, his family.