Retrouvaille works!!! We were scheduled to go to trial in my divorce on February 22nd and when we spoke we could not agree on the time of day...folks if you want to stop your divorce and you can get your spouse to go (this program is apparently in every state) then take what you have learned here and sign up for a Retrouvaille weekend. You will not be required to share anything in a group setting...you will not even have to speak to anyone except your spouse in the privacy of your room and of the 20 couples who went through this weekend with us I don't know of any who did not leave there committed to their marriage ad armed with tools to make it work ...they claim a success rate of 80% of the couples still being together after 2 years from their weekend of Retrouvaille (retro vye) (means rejuveninate or renewal) its not religious even though it is sponsored by the Catholic Church and its open to anyone who is tired of hurting and wants to start healing ...very powerful stuff ...very well done...extremely effective ...and I was the biggest skeptic you could imagine walking in the door.
Love...Trust...Forgiveness...are not feelings ...they are choices ...and they are verbs!!
Congratulations on your reconciliation, Roger. It is a wonderful feeling isn't it? My husband and I did our weekend a little over a year ago. It was the best thing we ever did for ourselves.
I don't know if you've done the Post sessions yet. But be sure to do them. They are very valuable too. Healing is a process and it takes time. The weekend turns you around. It stops the damage, and starts the process of healing. But it takes a long time to get all the way back to feeling safe to even be able to have an argument with your spouse.
Since Retrouvaille is hard to spell, I like to recommend
http://www.helpourmarriage.org as the web address. They both work, but I think this one is easier to remember.
Hope you'll share more about your weekend with the people on this board. There are many who are interested. Unfortunately, the hardest part is getting the spouse to agree to go. How did you do it?
I rolled the big dice with her and told her that if she would go ...with an open mind ...and complete the program (I am Catholic and told her it was required before I could ask for a church annulment ...a lie which Plato would call a "noble Lie")and the follow ups with me and if she could honestly look me in the eye and tell me she saw no progress for us in resolving our issues and reconnecting again then I would allow her to "roll her own divorce order" (within reason of course) and we could fast track it if she wanted too...she thought about it ...she checked out the program to make sure she would not be required to speak at all and then agreed ... we plan on attending the follow ups but the program was so power ful and the presenters were so good and their issues were so far beyond anything we ever faced and the Catholic Priest who more or less MC'd the whole thing was soo good at bringing the issues into focus that out of 20 couples (sold out) who attended I could not identify any who weren't totally committed to their marriage by this afternoon when we wrapped up ...it's too bad that more spouses aren't able to pull their heads out long enough to take 2 days just to make sure ...the feeling I have about their unwillingness to put love first and give something like this a try is exasperation and as a feeling it is about an 8 on a scale of 1-10 ...if it were a color it would be a dark gray and would smell like rotten fruit on a hot summerday and taste like bile. (lol)
I like your images. You definitely got the hang of dialogue. We were surprised when we got to the post session and only about half the group from the weekend was there. We knew that some couldn't make it for one reason or another, but we had to face the fact that some couples did decide to fold after Retrouvaille. That didn't stop us from plowing ahead.
I'm glad you had such a good experience. We felt the same way about our weekend. Our problems were small compared to the presenting couples. And to look in their eyes and see the love they had for each other. It was so inspiring! You know, I don't think I've really seen a lot of loving couples in my life. It was such a good experience to be able to learn from them.
Roger,
I don't know if you are new here, or have lurked a while and are just beginning to post. The names of people here who have been to Retrouvaille are: Hopeforfuture and Mom of 2 Cherubs, Heartbroken, Ediemarie, Limbo, Ponygirl, and myself. There may be a couple more, but those are the ones that come to mind right now.
and THIS guy is hoping to go... Had the opportunity recently to bring it up with my W but I did not. Thanks to Mom of 2 for reminding me that if it truly WAS the right time, it would have come up.
We're rooting for you Michael. Those 3 children deserve parents who are willing to make an effort to give them an intact family. It's a precious commodity you can't buy in a store.
Hey MMC,
How Ya doing??? I'm sitting in a motel room by myself in Backersfeild......in the morning.... Vegas...
Husband
We had some very nice cool professional people who had for one reason (or human weakness) or another, allowed things, events, circumstances, very poor judgment, people, and most of all their actions inflict the most horrendous pain and suffering on the person whom they have sworn to forsake all others for and to protect etc. (sound familiar...sounds like 99.9% of the posts here and everywhere on this topic) and then once they were confronted with the damage they had done ...took inventory of themselves and their actions and in some circumstances followed the DB type of playbook and then slowly put it all back together again. I was impressed with their insights and men (and women) if you ever wanted to let your spouse know the torture and pain and absolute terror and hurt they have inflicted upon you through acts of infidelity ...then take them to a weekend .... some of the tesifying by these people ...some even years after the fact was absolutely gut wrenching and you could see it on their face and you could hear it in their voice ...they cried (and blubbered some) and you felt their pain ...women who had cheated among us ...cried when they heard the black, empty, sleepless, gut wrenching, life altering, sense of total betrayal and shock that the man (or woman) feels when this happens and the descriptions of their pain was so extremely well presented it made your hair stand on end and gave you goose bumps. Even the most selfish evil person in the room would never knowlingly inflict that kind of horrible pain on another living soul ..those of you who have been there know what I am talking about ... then they hear how they went about the business of forgiving and healing and loving even stronger than before once again ...the love these people had for each other was fantastic and inspiring and very very courageous ... you sift through alot of stuff and these presentations really help you sort thru the mess that is your marriage quickly and positively and if you surrender what you think works and what you think your spouse will respond to or not and put down the masks that you wear for your spouse to see the real you who loves him or her and if the two of you don't walk out of that weekend changed and with a new outlook ...then your not human
Yes, the weekend is transforming. It is moving to hear other people describe the feelings that you had, and it is confirming. And best of all, it saves you the trouble of having to convince your spouse that you really felt that way. They say it for you. And then when it is your turn to talk to your spouse, it is so much easier, because you can talk about yourself without accusing him of anything. So cathartic!
Hi Husband! Good to hear from you on your trip. Love the pictures of the Knight! what a great idea to take him!
i was here back in december when someone here recommended this weekend ...my last post at the end of december said "we are going to go to the next weekend scheduled for feb 15th" since that time I have just relaxed and been her friend and didn't call all the time ...or any of the other obsessive behavior we think we need to do in those types of moments...very hard to do ...but necessary.
I'm so excited for you!!!
You said that Retrouvaille isn't religious, is that true? My husband and I are both atheists. My husband is pretty adamant about staying away from religious things, though I'm more open to them because I just sift out what I want. Not, of course, that my husband is anywhere near doing something like this, but you never know if that will change. I also like your approach of doing it in order to have the divorce go more smoothly.
That's a difficult question. Retrouvaille is sponsored by the Catholic Church, and a priest participates in the sessions. But the subject matter is marriage, and human relations, so the conversation centers on that. They are trying to save marriages here, not souls. However, I can't say that they never mention God, or Jesus. They do. They don't teach Catholic doctrine, or tell you to stay married because it is God's will. They talk about feelings and misunderstandings, and inability to communicate. They teach you to communicate openly and honestly with your spouse and to listen to him with your heart. If you can't sit in a room with a priest present, who sometimes has the floor, then you can look for a completely secular program for marriage healing. I believe the Imago workshops are completely secular. But, since they are not underwritten by the church, they are very expensive. My husband and I are not particularly religious, we were comfortable in the retrouvaille setting. And many of the couples in the room were Christian, and very much valued the priest's presence. I was glad that he was there for them.
I wish I could get my H to go to something like that. It sounds like a really great weekend.