I believe my H is still talking to the OW. I am sure that things aren't as serious as they once were (because he is now living at home with me and not with her), but I am sure they are still talking on the phone and he might be seeing her now and then. He was supposed to cut all contact with her, but I swear he is addicted to this woman. It is almost like he physically can't rid himself of her and her powers. She is such a BAD person for him. I saw on her myspace profile that she is involved in a swingers club.
I wish I had some magic wand to wave over H and allow him to break free from this addiction.
Sara
I know what you mean. OW in my situation is a very messed up woman. Many affairs, many messes in her own life even before she met my H. H was very addicted to her, she fed him what he needed at the time. He was sleeping with his cell phone, forsaking everything to see her when he could, pursued her like crazy when she tried to break it off in September (drove by her house, called her constantly, etc). All that energy. Amazingly, H saw the light at broke it off with her in December, now stating she is crazy. But....he still wants a D.
I hope your H will see differently soon. Its very hard to watch them be so addicted....
Starshyne,
It is ABSOLUTELY an addition. Just Google "love brain chemicals PEA" -- there's more than 200,000 entries! It's a physiological fact, and it even shows up on CAT scans.
That's why so many of us are pro-exposure and the need to institute a bullet-proof "no-contact/transparency" plan if a wayward spouse is ever going to rid themselves of the affair partner. Once you realize that they ARE addicted, the only reasonable conclusion one can come to is to FIRST remove the addict from the source of their addiction. Without that, nothing substantial can be accomplished.
I'm sorry I'm not familiar with your sitch -- does your husband deny the affair? Admit to it and refuse to leave it? Or admit to it and say he'd LIKE to leave it, but can't?
My wife used to literally STAND with her cellphone in her hand, holding it out in front of her at my son's baseball games, just waiting for it to vibrate with the sweet dose of her fix. It's really quite pathetic.
- Chocolateeyes
Yes, I saw last night that he was sleeping with his cell phone right next to him on the nightstand. I am not sure if that was because he knows I snoop or because he expected her to call. I have not been asking him questions about her. But come on...common sense tells you that she is bad news. She and her 2 kids recently got kicked out of her apartment and they now live with her mom because she couldn't pay her rent. She is in more debt than you could imagine. My H is not a wealthy person by any means and so I don't know why she thinks he can help. We have our own issues with bills and just barely squeak by. This is going to sound stupid, but if he was going to leave me for another woman, why can't it be someone who is actually a good person?
I am just hoping that he can totally end this affair. I know it is hard for him and I know that he is trying. But he just needs to end all connection to her and change his number. But for whatever messed up reason, he refuses to take that step.
Sara
I am just hoping that he can totally end this affair. I know it is hard for him and I know that he is trying. But he just needs to end all connection to her and change his number. But for whatever messed up reason, he refuses to take that step.
Have you asked him, specifically, to do so? If so, what did he say, exactly?
Well as the advice of the DB coach, I have not been asking about the OW. But the one time I did ask him if he was going to change his phone number, he said that he didn't feel it was necessary because she was going to change hers. Well she didn't change hers and he hasn't changed his. I don't think he wants to because he doesn't want to cut off all ties from her like I would like him to.
Sara
Oh I didn't answer that one question. My H admits to the affair (says it never was physical although he wanted it to be) and wants to end it, but says that he "can't." He called her now twice and said it was over. The last time being on Feb 1st. Since then I know that he went to see her once when I was out of town last week and she has texted him last night (assume that text noise was her...). He says he wants to "work on our marriage" but have a hard time seeing him working on anything.
Starshyne and chocolateeyes,
I too am married to my H and his cell phone. Its like crack for them. Before this he never looked at his phone unless it rang, now its every 3 minutes or so, its actually pretty pathetic.
He told me today that he didn't want to break it off with the OW because she is fun...ya think? I know mine is a gambling addict as well, so I think this is just one more to add to the list. He went from 10 texts before this to 2303 last month...thats not addiction though, he just has a lot to say (lol).
Forgive me for saying so, but unless he is willing to change his number and not have any contact with her, he isn't working on anything...sorry, but I speak from experience. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
Yep -- actions, not words.
My wife went from 200-300 texts per month to 2,000 during the peak of her affair.
Mine is still a texting fool, I think we are at the peak right now, at least I hope so...
Yep -- actions, not words.
My wife went from 200-300 texts per month to 2,000 during the peak of her affair.
Haha...funny isn't it? My H didn't even know how to text. All of a sudden he was up to 3000 a month. Un-FREAKING-believable.
Not trying to be flippant, though. That's just a testament to the fact that these relationships are *addictions*, pure and simple. The addict just keeps needing to get that high.
ntl
Starshyne,
It's good that he is trying to end it. If the OW knows he wants to end it, chances are she'll react by pursuing and begging. That's exactly what you need to NOT do. Be the person he wants to be with. Give him space. I gave my H lots of space, but not so much that I was a complete doormat.
OW in my sitch was also a "mad" woman (still is). Former coke addict; bad mother; horrible marriage. I think some men are attracted to that sort so they can feel like knights in shining armor and thus, feel better about themselves.
Joie
Even though my H ended his A, during the peak it was INSANE. The phone...the vibrating noise.....he would use it as a pillow at night. So sad to watch, actually. Oh and looking back at the timetable, now I know the times he was going out with OW (before I knew), he was all hyped up, like he was getting his 'high'. Ew.
Now he complains my phone rings more than his (funny because I don't need to 'hide' mine on vibrate!).
Wow, it's so predictable and pathetic. My H was the same way (probably still is, but as we are not living together I don't actually know). And I have yet to see an OW on here that is remotely as good as the person they are leaving.
Don't know if you guys have seen this article, but I found it both fascinating and funny.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=19930501-000027&page=1
Wow, it's so predictable and pathetic. My H was the same way (probably still is, but as we are not living together I don't actually know). And I have yet to see an OW on here that is remotely as good as the person they are leaving.
Don't know if you guys have seen this article, but I found it both fascinating and funny.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=19930501-000027&page=1 Michelle,
Thanks for the link, it was very informative. I especially liked this part. I think it fits my H and his HO perfectly.
Romantic InfidelitySurely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) This describes both of them since they were both married.
Michelle. WOW to that article...
To decide you wouldn't have done such a thing unless your husband or wife had let you down, put the blame on your mate, and go home and pick your marriage to death;
They must have interviewed my husband for that one.
And this is OW to a T:
Female philanderers prefer to raid other people's marriages, breaking up relationships, doing as much damage as possible, and then dancing off reaffirmed. Like male philanderers, female philanderers put their victims through all of this just to give themselves a sense of gender power.
She actually fits a few of the categories:
With her, he can pull out of his depression briefly, but he sinks back even deeper into it when he is not with her. He is getting addicted to her, but he doesn't know that. He only feels the absence of joy and love and life with his serenely cautious wife and kids, and the awareness of life with this new woman. It doesn't work for him to leave home to be with her, as she too would grow stale and irritating if she were around full time.
I love the ending:
I have cleaned up more affairs than a squad of motel chambermaids. Infidelity is a very messy hobby. It is not an effective way to find a new mate or a new life.
It is not a safe treatment for depression, boredom, imperfect marriage, or inadequate gender splendor. And it certainly does not impress the rest of us. It does not work for women any better than it does for men. It does excite the senses and the imaginations of those who merely hear the tales of lives and deaths for love, who melt at the sound of liebestods or country songs of love gone wrong.
Thank you, that was a good read.
All this is very interesting. After my H met the OW, he took up smoking. We were never smokers before and actually hated the smell. So for the past 2-3 months he has been smoking an insane amount of cigerettes. Since he has been back home, he has decided on his own (I never said a word about it) to quit. He says that it has been difficult because he wants to smoke, but he hasn't picked one up in 5 days. Then he tells me that he found a couple in his car and instead of smoking the last ones, he stomped on them. What a visual image! If only he would "stomp" on the addiction of the OW!
Actually there was a good sign last night. He didn't sleep with his phone near the bed and I actually didn't even see his cell phone at all last night (meaning he must have kept it in his brief case like I used to).
Sara
Wow, it's so predictable and pathetic. My H was the same way (probably still is, but as we are not living together I don't actually know). And I have yet to see an OW on here that is remotely as good as the person they are leaving.
Don't know if you guys have seen this article, but I found it both fascinating and funny.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=19930501-000027&page=1Thank you for posting this article! It was so good to read!
ntl
I read that same article many months ago when my XH was still in the heat of his affair. It is by far the best article/book that I read.
I poked around that Psycology Today website, and found quite a bit of interesting reading. Here is another article I found insightful:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=19980701-000026&page=1
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...... a very interesting article........
Makes me feel I am on the right course.........
wowsa! That second article is AMAZING!! Thank you so much for posting it!!! I just cut and pasted it into an attachment I'm going to send to spouse! If she's working she will need these tools. I have decided to share the wealth of info I've come across in the last ALMOST TWO YEARS and see what she chooses to do with it. (Lucky her!)
And Saffie, I always think you are on the right course!
Both of those articles were great and very helpful, thanks so much for sharing!
And Saffie, I always think you are on the right course!
Aw shucks
stubborn - thanks
Thanks for the second article. It was very interesting. Not particularly hopeful as my H is still deeply commited to OW and keep threatening to file for D, but I guess I don't know what the future really holds.
My H definitely has family and cultural reasons for his PA as his father had multiple affairs and has been D 3/4 times. I really wish he would take after his stepfather who has been married to his mom for 23 years now.
Amusing thought for the day: "I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon." - Anonymous
Michelle and Bewildered,
Thanks for the links to the articles. Some very good information there.
The past few nights I have been putting my cell phone next to my side of the bed. He has been confused by this. "Why is your phone near on your nightstand?" "In case I get a message..." "Who would you get a message from?" "Oh...a friend." I have noticed a slight change in his cell phone usage since I have did this.
Lol. Interesting 180.
Yeah I thought so. I accidentally changed my phone to vibrate and it set off a little sound. And he was curious what it was. LOL! I just let him keep guessing. The truth is that no one is going to call me at night, but it does give him a picture of how silly his phone usage has became.
Sara
My goodness...how long does this addiction last? When is he going to understand that the R with her is OVER. Move on already. *sigh* I am frustrated and needed to say that...
Sara
Yep -- actions, not words.
says it all
Starshyne,
I'm confused? I thought H moved out as of 7/16 & that was that? He's back home? What's changed other than OW has no where to 'house' him? I'm just a little shocked he's still there after the way he treated you?
Kerry
kerry, someone posted to one of Starshyne's old post, check the dates on her posting, they are all back from Feb and March, she is currently out of town
Looks like one of the moderators pulled up a old post
M45
W41
M10 3/4 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never
See, this is the danger of leaving unlocked threads dangling around the boards. WCW, are you around? Maybe you could finish this one off after you're done with my old one!
Seems like YEARS since this stuff was going on. Was it just this past February??? Sorry this old thread has caused confusion.
Sara
Sara!!!! You're back?? How was the trip?? How are you hon???
Sorry folks. My first marriage ended finding out she was having affair... Not sure I understand why a fellow human being and person would want to inflict such pain on someone else... such a sad state of affairs. I really am sorry guys and gals....