I may need some guidance - 02/10/08 05:07 AM
Really long-But I need to tell the story
Let's start with the Family Spec's
ME-35 (Professional)
Wife-39 (SAHM-working for a better world for our children)
KIDS-2 (6&8)
Married 9.5 years and together for 12.5
It all really started about 1.5 years ago. We moved to a new area (my wife did not say at the time she was against this) and started to have significant problems with our older child and finances. So we had three large stress creating agents in our daily live. My wife at first had a hard time making new friends in the community, I was supportive of her making friends, and felt trapped in the house. She then met the OW at our child's preschool and they hit it off. At first they had one night a week of girls night out which I know is important for a SAHM so that she could get away from the house. After a month the relationship between them became very odd. I questioned her about it and she replied that it was the first time she had a good girlfriend. Knowing the problems in past relationship my wife had with females I was fully supportive of the relationship and encouraged that they spend time together.
This continued for about a month when I committed a foolish act. I was playing on the computer and came across her messenger text archive and opened it. Yes, I broke the trust, but I knew that something was amiss and I had asked my wife more than once if something was going on that she needed to tell me. To which I always got a strong...NO! So upon reading that days message…I uncovered that they had sat in her vehicle...dwelling over kissing because it might feel good. Very long IM conversation and not a quick bring up and put down. I then talked with my wife about it and she said I should be happy they didn't kiss, there was nothing there, and that I shouldn't have read her IM. In the last case she was exactly right. So I told her that I was sorry, that I would trust her, and that she could continue to spend time with the OW. The only thing I asked of her was to be open with what was happening and that I would listen to what she had to say and was feeling. So they continued to be friends and eventually I developed a friendly relationship with the OW as well as our children (she has 2 children-recently divorced). This all started in December of 06.
Over the next year, we visited them often and even spent a vacation together. All the time I was thinking that my wife had finally developed a real friendship that she was desperately looking for. I had complete trust in my wife and did not have any idea that something was going on. Of course we still stressed over finances and the children among other things, but I thought things aren't great but we are getting there. I supported her friendship and two or three nights a week I would offer to take over the household chores and the children so she could spend time with her friend outside the stress that exists in most households (I am one of those dads that cooks, cleans, laundry, etc without prompting). It was what I thought was right and the good husband thing to do. Too support your wife as best as you could.
Now we get to the recent events. In the last month I have gone through some serious stress about some testing I needed for work and had to sit in a conference room as the company called us in one by one to announce terminations (luckily I was not terminated). My wife had gone on vacation with her girlfriend for a weekend and went out partying on New Year's Eve together because somebody had to stay home and watch the kids. Two days after my Birthday she woke up in the morning, after a night out with the OW, and had a hicky on her neck. At first she said it was from someone hugging her, but later in the day she confessed that they had been having an affair since JAN of 07. I was extremely hurt and betrayed by both my wife and the friend. They had been hanging out with me for a year without ever saying a word. I blew a casket, put my hand through a door and cried for hours. That was two weeks ago. Of course I smothered her for the next week and talked about the good times and how could she hurt me like this. It was at our second therapy session after this that she basically said I was a friend, she didn't want an intimate relationship with me, and wanted to explore her happiness with the OW. We came home, put the kids to bed, and then she went to the OW's house for the night to relax and get away from the stress in the house.
It was at this point where I came up with my own course of action (had not been here yet) that basically follows what I have read on the website;
1. Focus on protecting the children and reduce my work hours to be with them
2. Start working out and make time to continue working out (see less work)
3. Focus on work alone when I was there
4. Stop bothering my W and just leave her alone to do as she pleases
I have been doing okay for three days and today I had a little step back. It was unintentional and quick and my wife did not seem taken aback by my emotion driven response to a question (I mean one sentence short). And tonight she is out with the OW for an overnight as I take care of the children for the third night in a row. My children have started to pick up on the stress and are constantly hugging me and each other. They have asked their mother to stay at home with them, to which she replied that they need to get used to it. My daughter had a complete breakdown yesterday and my wife seemed to have no concern at all as she left the house to party with her friends. I talked to my therapist about it and the reply was that she is shutting it all out so she can handle the guilt. So tonight I took them to a friend's while she went on her overnight and the kids seemed happy, but continue to hug each other and me a lot. (Odd part about her leaving tonight was that she looked guilty at me (not my doing other than apologizing for the bad comment) in the kitchen for a good three minutes before the OW came to get her...then she had a big smile).
My wife has not used the divorce word or even implied it. And in discussions she has even stated if the OW woman found someone else that it would be done between them. I just don't know what to do. I don't want her to leave because of the impact it will have on the children and myself also I don't have the financial means to help her move to her own apartment. She would just move to the OW's house which probably wouldn't happen either due to her family, children, public appearance, and ex-husband. The affair continues and I don't know what to do. When I ask her to stop the relationship (two weeks ago), she replied that she wasn't "In love" with me anymore and this new relationship makes her happy. I have not even considered being pushy about stopping it and working on us because I know she would be out the door.
My own monster in the closet is that I smother her because I thought that is what a good husband does. Offering to take the kids, roses, the whole nine yards prior to this. I did everything for my family that sadly also included neglecting me. I have started to address my issues by working out, working less, spending more time with the children, leaving her alone, and seeing a therapist. I don't feel that much hurt or anger towards my W and do still love her very much.
So in conclusion, I could use some good words of advice.
Let's start with the Family Spec's
ME-35 (Professional)
Wife-39 (SAHM-working for a better world for our children)
KIDS-2 (6&8)
Married 9.5 years and together for 12.5
It all really started about 1.5 years ago. We moved to a new area (my wife did not say at the time she was against this) and started to have significant problems with our older child and finances. So we had three large stress creating agents in our daily live. My wife at first had a hard time making new friends in the community, I was supportive of her making friends, and felt trapped in the house. She then met the OW at our child's preschool and they hit it off. At first they had one night a week of girls night out which I know is important for a SAHM so that she could get away from the house. After a month the relationship between them became very odd. I questioned her about it and she replied that it was the first time she had a good girlfriend. Knowing the problems in past relationship my wife had with females I was fully supportive of the relationship and encouraged that they spend time together.
This continued for about a month when I committed a foolish act. I was playing on the computer and came across her messenger text archive and opened it. Yes, I broke the trust, but I knew that something was amiss and I had asked my wife more than once if something was going on that she needed to tell me. To which I always got a strong...NO! So upon reading that days message…I uncovered that they had sat in her vehicle...dwelling over kissing because it might feel good. Very long IM conversation and not a quick bring up and put down. I then talked with my wife about it and she said I should be happy they didn't kiss, there was nothing there, and that I shouldn't have read her IM. In the last case she was exactly right. So I told her that I was sorry, that I would trust her, and that she could continue to spend time with the OW. The only thing I asked of her was to be open with what was happening and that I would listen to what she had to say and was feeling. So they continued to be friends and eventually I developed a friendly relationship with the OW as well as our children (she has 2 children-recently divorced). This all started in December of 06.
Over the next year, we visited them often and even spent a vacation together. All the time I was thinking that my wife had finally developed a real friendship that she was desperately looking for. I had complete trust in my wife and did not have any idea that something was going on. Of course we still stressed over finances and the children among other things, but I thought things aren't great but we are getting there. I supported her friendship and two or three nights a week I would offer to take over the household chores and the children so she could spend time with her friend outside the stress that exists in most households (I am one of those dads that cooks, cleans, laundry, etc without prompting). It was what I thought was right and the good husband thing to do. Too support your wife as best as you could.
Now we get to the recent events. In the last month I have gone through some serious stress about some testing I needed for work and had to sit in a conference room as the company called us in one by one to announce terminations (luckily I was not terminated). My wife had gone on vacation with her girlfriend for a weekend and went out partying on New Year's Eve together because somebody had to stay home and watch the kids. Two days after my Birthday she woke up in the morning, after a night out with the OW, and had a hicky on her neck. At first she said it was from someone hugging her, but later in the day she confessed that they had been having an affair since JAN of 07. I was extremely hurt and betrayed by both my wife and the friend. They had been hanging out with me for a year without ever saying a word. I blew a casket, put my hand through a door and cried for hours. That was two weeks ago. Of course I smothered her for the next week and talked about the good times and how could she hurt me like this. It was at our second therapy session after this that she basically said I was a friend, she didn't want an intimate relationship with me, and wanted to explore her happiness with the OW. We came home, put the kids to bed, and then she went to the OW's house for the night to relax and get away from the stress in the house.
It was at this point where I came up with my own course of action (had not been here yet) that basically follows what I have read on the website;
1. Focus on protecting the children and reduce my work hours to be with them
2. Start working out and make time to continue working out (see less work)
3. Focus on work alone when I was there
4. Stop bothering my W and just leave her alone to do as she pleases
I have been doing okay for three days and today I had a little step back. It was unintentional and quick and my wife did not seem taken aback by my emotion driven response to a question (I mean one sentence short). And tonight she is out with the OW for an overnight as I take care of the children for the third night in a row. My children have started to pick up on the stress and are constantly hugging me and each other. They have asked their mother to stay at home with them, to which she replied that they need to get used to it. My daughter had a complete breakdown yesterday and my wife seemed to have no concern at all as she left the house to party with her friends. I talked to my therapist about it and the reply was that she is shutting it all out so she can handle the guilt. So tonight I took them to a friend's while she went on her overnight and the kids seemed happy, but continue to hug each other and me a lot. (Odd part about her leaving tonight was that she looked guilty at me (not my doing other than apologizing for the bad comment) in the kitchen for a good three minutes before the OW came to get her...then she had a big smile).
My wife has not used the divorce word or even implied it. And in discussions she has even stated if the OW woman found someone else that it would be done between them. I just don't know what to do. I don't want her to leave because of the impact it will have on the children and myself also I don't have the financial means to help her move to her own apartment. She would just move to the OW's house which probably wouldn't happen either due to her family, children, public appearance, and ex-husband. The affair continues and I don't know what to do. When I ask her to stop the relationship (two weeks ago), she replied that she wasn't "In love" with me anymore and this new relationship makes her happy. I have not even considered being pushy about stopping it and working on us because I know she would be out the door.
My own monster in the closet is that I smother her because I thought that is what a good husband does. Offering to take the kids, roses, the whole nine yards prior to this. I did everything for my family that sadly also included neglecting me. I have started to address my issues by working out, working less, spending more time with the children, leaving her alone, and seeing a therapist. I don't feel that much hurt or anger towards my W and do still love her very much.
So in conclusion, I could use some good words of advice.