Fired b/c of an Affair? Redeemed Career Possible?

Hi Friends,

Some of you may remember me from last year, most probably do not as I'm (sadly) a semi-oldtimer on the Infidelity board, and the Class of '06 has mostly moved on from here. BUT. I have a question my H posed to me in a discussion last night, and I knew I could come to the DB board to find what I need. I will be cross-posting this in several forums to reach more folks.

Brief backstory: my H had a short yet horrible A in Dec05-Jan06 and lost his job because of it. His job was upper management with lots of domestic/international travel, blah blah. I was able to be a Stay at Home mom.

When he lost his job, I had to go back to work, and have been the fulltime bacon-bringer since feb06. We both hate it. He's the stay at home dad, and is WONDERFUL at it - and so grateful to re-know the kids, since he used to travel so much. That's the blessing in it for him, yet as a man, he is not called to be the Pool Dad, or the lone dad in the carpool line at school every day. He's been looking for jobs NONstop locally and nationally since the day he was fired.

I gain some validation from working again after 7 years, but it's not where my heart lives. I want to be fulfilled through my M/R and be a domestic goddess. $\:\)$ I want to be home with my kids and not HAVE to work fulltime. Personally, the job-thing doesn't feed me where I live.

Stick with me, I do have a point. $\:\)$

ALL THAT TO SAY: we were discussing all this last night for a while, as we tend to do, because our Piecing is basically non-existent on several levels, and a lot of it - besides our personal betrayal/hurt stuff (long stories) - is the fact that he really feels his 'life is over' as he's been unemployed for so long. He is disconnected from that part of his life, that is where Providing For His Family lives, as well has having a common goal with co-workers. He poured so much of himself/ his life into his job, and now that is gone with no closure. Former friends are now FORMER friends. He is VERY alone in this battle. People keep their distance from us, etc. All compounding his sense of loss, doom, and no redemption for him.

He's freelance consulting, but it's slow, and he thinks he will never get another job again -that's not manual labor or very random consulting stuff.

He said last night: Show me someone who ever got fired from his job because of an affair, and was able to get another job(aside from bagging groceries, or serving Fries With That).

He believes that no one will 'take a risk' on him b/c it comes down to a trust issue for any employer who learns of his past. And that this ONE event, out of an entirely blameless & successful work career, has defined him and ruined him.

I still think there is more to his story to be written, that it's not the end of the road; that God has not ended this part of his life permanently. That sooooooooo many people (sadly) have A's and some HAVE been fired and it's not the end of their world. He disagrees, and God-forbid, perhaps I'm an idiot not seeing reality?

SO: Does anyone around here know a story (yours, someone you know directly) where the man was fired because of an A, and was able to get another comparable-level job again in his life??

If anyone is marginally interested in more of my story, you can search my threads in reverse from my last one linked below in my signature, and also go to my blog, Adventures in Stepford where my H wrote several posts about his part of the story last year (before he got too discouraged to think in depth about it anymore)

Edited for Clarification:
It was a Christian organization, and this was a 'moral' failing. Can't sin and keep your job. (don't get me started). His job search has NOT included Christian corporations, and yet he has not gotten any 'hits'.

By contrast-
the OW, also married with small children - yet working in a 'secular' corporation - kept her high-level job.

I am curious, what is he telling potential employers about why he was let go? Is he up-front about being fired because of A? Or does he say something like, "There was a restructuring, and people at all levels were let go." These days, most employers offer a terse reference check, verifying dates and title only, so a little stretching of the truth is an option.

See, I was fired because of an affair - my wife's. I got so depressed, distracted, demented, etc. because of the affair that I lost focus at work, and they let me go.... in a "restructuring," if you know what I mean (wink, wink).

So... what is he telling potential employers?

Unless he's changed his tune (and frankly, at this point, I don't think he's getting far enough along in the process anymore to answer this question), it was that he's no longer there b/c it was hard on the family -all his traveling. True, that.
I'll have to verify that, but I'm pretty sure that's the line.

That organization is one of the larger employers in our small-to-mid-sized town, and although HR can only verify the dates of employment when asked, someone always knows someone who works there and can call 'outside' of the official inquiry, you know? and get the 'rest of the story'

I'm not sure if he's in a tech field, but the job market wasn't so hot there in recent years. It's starting to turn up this year, and if he has consulting skills, he can get back into the game.

I went several months without a contract in the beginning of our separation, then landed a contract more than an hour's drive from home, at the lowest rate I'd ever had. It turned out to have quite a few positives, in the long run, before I left there this past week. But it was much further from home and at a lower rate than what I had been used to.

There are secular organizations doing good work, too, and some of them might be able to use some of his expertise, even if he does some pro bono work just to stay sharp.

Don't forget prayer.

Thanks,

Joe

Thanks Joe. He was an operations manager, large scale responsiblity for/supervision of people and projects in several states all over the country, and some international projects. More vague than a tech niche, I would guess. Thank you much for sharing your situation.

BI,

Uhhhhh...and you didn't email me for advice?

I'm really pissed.

Let's starts with the basics.

1. If all I can ever accomplish on the DB boards is to help your husband find a job, recover his "manhood" and get him all hot and bothered for your crazy Southern ass, I'll do it.

2. Gordon MacDonald was the pastor of a huge Mega Church in Massachussetts. He has an affair with someone in his church for 2 years. Listen up --- 2 years. He was exposed. He resigned his position. Eventually he returend to ministry in another church. Then his old church voted to call him back. It happens all the time. They call this restoration. If ministers get restored, then an IT Operations manager can be restored. This is a no-brainer. Gordon even wrote a book about it. Rebuilding Your Broken World

3. Regarding his former employer. I think you and your husband need to write them a letter informing them of his repentance and your reonciliation. Your husband needs to stop walking around with his tail between his legs. And this former employer, needs to stop acting like your husband needs to be villified for eternity.

4. They are legally bound not to give anyone details of why he was terminated. If they do, they can be sued.

5. In a secular organization private matters don't affect your employability. He doesn't need to work for a church-based organization. I specialize in interview coaching. Have your husband contact me.

6. I hate to say this, but pull a "Clinton." During the 1992 Campaign, Bill's affairs became part of the public debate. In every situation, he and Hillary met the press together and stood as a unit. This is very disarming. In your case, your husband really repented and you are on the path to healing. I think your church, his former employer and whoever asks needs to know that. We all fall. It's those who get up who are to be cheered.

7. It sounds like your husband needs someone to give him permission to live his life with joy in the knowledge of grace. I will be his permission-giver.

8. The offer's still good. theoden.king@hotmail.com

9. Please, let me help.

--theoden

BI,

If your husband is to gunshy to reach out, email me his email address and I'll reach out to him.

I talk regularly with three guys from these boards.

I won't let him down.

--Theoden

Hi B-I! Don't know if you remember me, but I'm a class of '06 alum and remember your story very well.

In my own experience, I had sort of the same experience as your H, in that I was the first one to be unfaithful in my M at a time when I held a fairly sensitive position for a political appointee. My boss at the time was very conservative and as a result, I was let go and re-assigned within our organization with a step down in status and pay. Now, I was fortunate that I was able to keep a job at least, but at a significant reduction in pay. For a couple of years, I lived in the shadow of my former transgressions and the shame, combined with the guilt really hampered my chances at advancing (plus, add in the fact that I was expriencing other issues in my R during that time).

So, for several years, I found myself not even applying for positions because I believed that my past transgressions would be too much for employers to handle. Recently, however, I've come to the realization that any career impairment I may have experienced over the years was more a direct result of my own negativity, shame, guilt, whatever....rather than a direct result of my mistake. Again, when you're expectations are negative, usually the results will be negative. Masters of our destiny and all that rot.....

In short, while I haven't exactly jumped to a much better position (there are other considerations for this), I don't believe that my mistake will become a major issue for a potential employer as long as I'm honest with myself and with them. Since that time, I have learned a lot and believe that the experience, as crappy as it was, made me a stronger person today than I was back then.

The moral of the story, your H should learn to forgive himself and re-focus. I believe that self-repentance will give him more confidence which will assuredly be sensed by any potential employers.

Take care!

Quote:

If all I can ever accomplish on the DB boards is to help your husband find a job, recover his "manhood" and get him all hot and bothered for your crazy Southern ass, I'll do it.

Theo, I LOVE LOVE LOVE you, man. That made me laugh out loud (which is getting harder to do these days, so ^5 to you my friend). Man, that's my goal in life too, pretty much!

Still here. Working much and laptop hard drive dying, had to send it off for repair yesterday. SO. Here I am at the very public kitchen desktop surfing the boards. Not a lot of time for long posts. What did I ever do w/out a laptop in bed with wireless internet?

Enough whining, moving on.

I've been posting to some peeps in the SSM forum too (smart cookies over there, as I've told you) & wrote much of the below over there this a.m.:
I have 3 offers for an email correspondence with my H (yours, MrsNOP & NOP, and Chrome from SSM - all 3 people who are dear to me, as much as internet friends can be). All 3 with much to contribute, and I am thrilled with each of them. :::smooch:::

I am bumfuzzled as to how to approach this, as perhaps 3 different 'strangers' to H suddenly will be approaching his private personal space - which he is now more protective of than ever b/c so many people he counted as 'friends' judged him and checked out.

Even now, he saw his old boss at church last week and mentioned how much he missed being a PART OF something via work, and this boss went on some random tangent about how that was prideful, etc. and just lopped the head off that my H had tentatively stuck out of the sand. F*cker. That just infuriates me. And makes reaching out/trusting that much more difficult the next time.

Gotta pack lunches and take precious cargo to school. Hope to check in again later. Any insights welcome.

Rob!
SO nice to see you here, thanks for checking in. How R things in your world. I sure appreciate you sharing your story. I agree with you that part of this is disappointment feeding negativity, and somewhat self-perpetuating. But how to get yourself pulled out of that Pit is overwhelming to someone in it, and seemingly impossible. I can only support him as best I can. Even speaking about my day at work is difficult for him to hear, so I don't tell him much about it anymore. Running late, must dash. more when I can!!

BI,

I am not offering to counsel your husband vis a vis his relationship with you.

I'm here to help him get to work. I'm an HR professional and a headhunter I also will do so with the understanding that he's repented of his affair and needs to stop burying his head in the sand.

He needs a Christian who can give him permission to live like he's forgiven.

I think it's more of personal coaching and encouragement.

I won't judge him.

And the most important thing -- I'm foul-mouthed and have a disarming sense of humor.

If you don't feel comfortable with that, it's OK.

Let me know

Originally Posted By: theoden

(S)He needs a Christian who can give (her) permission to live like (s)he's forgiven.

I think it's more of personal coaching and encouragement.

I won't judge (her).

Hey Theoden, can I have my wife call you?????

Seriously, BI, it sounds like Theo may be able to help your husband. I have no doubt that he knows what he is doing.

Mark

Theo,
I spoke with my H today briefly about the 3 folks who've offered email correspondence, and their different perspectives/backgrounds. He initially cringed about it, but actually is interested in being in contact with you first - and yes, about the job thing. Nothing else, friend, I understood your intent! (each person who offered contact has totally different things they wanted to bring to the table.)

For now, you win a tentative, trial friendship with my very smart and witty H! ... but not until the 2nd week in September. Family trip to the beach -yahoo! vacation! (complete with added bonus of inlaws! whee!) from 9/1-9/8 and no time to get connected until afterward. Hope that's okay with you, dear man. Will email H your info!

We have a winner!

Wish I had helpful solutions to share, but all I can do is let you know I'm pulling for you BI...have a fun vacation. $\:\)$

Mark,

Thanks for the vote.

Ok..I'll be waiting.

BI,

Waiting for your husband's email.

Byt the way you said about husband...

Quote:

Even now, he saw his old boss at church last week and mentioned how much he missed being a PART OF something via work, and this boss went on some random tangent about how that was prideful, etc. and just lopped the head off that my H had tentatively stuck out of the sand. F*cker. That just infuriates me. And makes reaching out/trusting that much more difficult the next time.

F*cker is right!!!! It's prideful to want to do good work and support the family you did NOT run out on?

I so do love you, my friend. Check your email.

Yo, Theo? Where R U, dude? R U Okay? Wish you had your own thread I could go hijack -ha! Again, check your email man. Email me if you can at the instepford gmail.com addy. Missing you and your warrior spirit, worried about you. ((((theo)))

He is usually on my thread quite a bit. Feel free to leave a message there if you want.

I've been encouraging him to start his own thread because people care about him so much. Maybe I should do it for him!

Yoyo

BI,

Got the mail. We'll be talking next week. Got his resume.

Well the warrior spirit has been caught deep in the abyss a bit lately.

But it's coming back.

I get by with a little help from my friends, including, Yoyo.

--Theoden

Hugs to you; I'll hold your armour if you need a break, friend.

You are still the warrior. Thanks for reaching out when it's probably least convenient for you to do so.

BI,

As I said, if I can help, it would warm my soul the know the Father's love through Christ can flow to someone else even when I'm dying inside.

--Theoden