i'm giving up - DivorceBusting.com

Ok. Today I lost my house and my dignity. Take that I've already lost my H to OW and my kids to H 35% of time and I'm done. My bottom line has been crossed.

I went over to H and again begged him to work on M with me. Totally refuses. I behaved totally erratic and was crazy woman. I admit I hate myself like that - can see why he wouldn't want me.

Truth is guys...OW and my H can have each other. He is in love with her and wants only to be with her. Well, I say good luck and god speed.

So interestingly enough, I mentioned that and his demeanor even changed. Don't know if it was wishful thinking on my part or not. Mentioned maybe cancelling MC and he said we still should go, though its not MC, its nothing. Mentioned he even told OW he's going with me. Could it really be true? If so, what a mess of a couple they are!

Really, whats the point of MC? So I can belabor my pain? Truly if he thinks he can be happier with OW than with a W who would do anything to fix M with him, than there is nothing I can do. Again, good luck to them. Wish me luck in finding someone who will love me.

I know this goes against everything DBing but its how I feel tonite. I can't take this anymore. My kids deserve a male role model in their lives that doesn't run when "death do us part" really just means "til someone seemingly better does us part".

Well, I'll be checking in and giving feedback. Who knows, maybe I'll even change my mind $\:\)$

H4, you're not done! Shut the FU** up, and get back in the game! Who gives a Sh** about the OW? She is his for only a season at the most; you have been his for a life time. The thought that you may change your mind shows that you are not done, and you still have alot of fight in you left. We, that have chosen to stand, have all been where you are; it's not easy but it's do-able! At the end of the day you want to say you went down swinging. Breaks over. We've all been where you are! Call if you need to talk!. My e-mail is thomas_gerleman@sbcglobal.net give me your; I will call.

T

By the way, what your H doesn't seem to understand is that "if she'll do it with him, she'll do it to him!" Karma is a Mother Fu****! $\:\/$

Saddadinkc,

I was just writing about you the other day - aren't you back with W?

Thanks for your response. I do need a kick in the butt!

Where do you live?

I'm not with my WAW, and I live in the Midwest. It wasn't a kick in the butt, it was a "gentle nudge in the a** with my foot!" You are not alone!
T

Thanks
I will email you sometime when I'm really down. Most days I'm okay. This is just torture other days.

Well, I've got to go for tonite. I really don't have it in me tonite to care about this guy.

Nite!

Hope,

I feel exactly like you. I am done too. My H is still living with OW and she can have him. He honestly was never that great of an H before, and he at the bottom of the barrel now. I love him very much and stood behind my vows, but after eight months of him putting me through h$ll, we are done. I told him if he can't leave OW, there is nothing more for us to discuss. I agree if H really thinks that he is going to be happy with her, be with her and leave me the h$ll alone. The truth is that he is not happy with OW but can't bring himself to change anything so he just stalls the divorce. Isn't life grand!

hey hope4 and hopeless

I think for lack of a better word "pride" keeps our S from admitting they are not happy now. It's like they don't want to say "what was I thinking".
I know "pride" is not the right word because if they had that in the fisrt place WE would not be in this sitch. But do you know what I mean?

Husband

It's good that you feel as though you are done - now maybe you will stop begging and doing everything you can to ensure he stays with OW by being totally erratic and (a) crazy womanand you'll get to a place where you can look after yourself, follow the philosophy of DBing and let him have enough space to sort his head out.

He still wants to go to MC?? He's not done yet, he's very confused.

Pull yourself together and get on with it.

OK?

okay. okay.

I made the decision last nite as I couldn't sleep that I wasn't going to see him anymore. On the times I have to switch kids with him, I'm going to have a sitter present. That way I won't be tempted to talk about our R, and he can wonder what I'm doing. It might not be total DB, but for now, it's a plan.
insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results! Plus, in "Surviving an Affair", the author gives Plan A and Plan B - Plan B says if H/W won't give up OW, you should do just that - cut off all contact and have someone handle your transition times.

What do you guys think? He won't get to see me being happy and chipper and all that, but at least he won't see me be crazy and erratic. Maybe he'll wonder (I hope) how I'm doing. I could from time to time call about the kids, I guess, so he can see I'm not crazy all the time.

I will also keep going to MC as long as he WANTS to go. He did "have to cancel today", but he's trying to reschedule at least. We'll see.

My IC made an analogy yesterday. "Its like marinating steak. If you expect your H's change and awakening to happen quickly, you are marinating the steak for only 5 minutes. For the reward to be great, you really have to marinate the steak for hours." She wants me to think about my H's process as something that needs time, and that he seems to be doing it in his own way.

Sometimes I get so angry at myself. I say one thing and mean another with my actions. I get angry my husband doesn't do something right away and then he calls me on things I've said like "if you go to MC with me, I won't have any expectations on you." Then when he doesn't quit OW in a week, I lose all credibility.

So this is why I've decided to go dark. That and it will save my sanity! I really need time to reflect on this marriage and to decide if its what's best for me and my boys. My husband has pulled some pretty low stuff.

Husband, my husband really believes he's happy with her. So know I don't think its just a pride thing, for now at least. Give it time?

Walkingback, thanks for listening!

Hopeless, I pray for all of us, but you especially - you seem to be right where I am about (my H's OW started around Sep/Oct). Only last nite was tough because it was first nite she moved up here. Now I know they are probably together all the time.

Could that be a good thing, everyone?

H4WB
It's so hard. I have only been doing this for about 3 mos. My W OM lives out of state. It's her Old BF. He is also married. I have and am trying to go Simi dark also. I just wish there was a way we could fast forward to the end to see if going through all of this is worth it or we will lose out in the end anyway. Try to stick to your guns. I keep waffling also. When ya feel weak come here. Someone usually knocks ya along side your head and sets you straight again. If it were not for the people here I would have folded long ago

Smile
Husband

Hope4,

Thanks for your prayers. I am praying for you too. It is horrible that we are in this situation. I still have a whole range of emotions as it looks like you do. Sometimes, I wish that I would just get the D papers, so we can get this over. Other times, I still wish my H would come to his senses. His A has been going on for 8 months now, and it would take a miracle for my H and I to work things out. He is half the man than I thought he was. I held on because of my vows and love, but at some point, it seems like we can step back and say that we did everything we could and we deserve better. We never gave up on our spouses, they gave up on themselves. Hold you head up high, you never did anything to deserve this (I am still trying to convince myself of this). Take care.

Patience, Grasshopper.
Patience.

Originally Posted By: hope4whatsbest

Could that be a good thing, everyone?

H4WB,

Yes it could be a good thing.

If H is with her all of the time it could get old fast. WHen they were apart the Fantasy was still just that "a Fantasy". $;\)$

JAk

Originally Posted By: hope4whatsbest

Now I know they are together all of the time
Could that be a good thing, everyone?

H4WB,

Yes it could be a good thing.

If H is with her all of the time it could get ols fast. WHen they were apart the Fantasy was still just that "a Fantasy".

JAk

OOps kind of a double post

JAK

Originally Posted By: jak58

OOps kind of a double post

JAK

BTDT

Husband

thats a first for me Husband. good luck!

JAK

Long-distance is perfect for extramarital affairs. Distance shields the other person from EVERYTHING negative (schedules, family commitments, etc). So does ANY extramarital affair. So (in my opinion) an affair that may appear to be hampered by distance is in fact aided by that distance. It's ALL icing, no cake.

So I agree that having the paramour relocate closer could be a good thing. My wife's OM is planning to move about 300 miles to be with her. I found this out last night along with another important detail, that she is VERY insecure with their relationship and she is afraid of losing him. She is very clingy, and says, "tell me you love me" A LOT (how I found out is a looong story).

To most men, insecurity such as this is very annoying. I am confident he will quickly tire of it. Couple this with my sterling DBing (thanks in large part to my circle of friends here), and I have reason to be optimistic about us fixing things.

My job now is to appear to be a stable, constant source of support to her. I can be somebody that she can count on without having me tell her I love her over and over. This won't be easy, but I am up to the challenge.

I really don't see how the both of you can do C with him still having the A. That's gotta be hard. He might be using it as an excuse to still see you. Something tells me if you went dark and mysterious on him he'd be knocking at your door more often wandering whats going on.