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Feel this is where I should be.

Posted By: Lost_for_now

Feel this is where I should be. - 04/04/07 07:28 PM

Hello all,

I have bounced around a couple forums and feel that at present this is the place I need to be. I have found recently that my wife is seeing someone else. Everyone that is here has experienced the feelings that I have been going through.

A brief recap of my situation, pasted from "Surviving" where I had originally gone after Newcomers. I came here because even though I feel I am on the expressway to D I am not there yet.

Anyway, my situation:


The details of my story can be found in the links in my signature for those that are interested. Briefly, my WAW up and left in mid-October and moved into an apartment. That was the first bomb dropped, and probably hit me the hardest. I have since done much in the way of GAL and I tried to DB my butt off. At several points I truly believed things were changing for her but I was disappointed at every turn.

Through what I call this personal growth period I figured out that following our marriage I sank into a pretty severe depression. I retreated from my W and my marriage. As an aside, my W and I were married in August '05 so the walls came tumbling down fast for us. I was pulling away from my W so much that she really felt alone in the marriage. After several months of this she had had enough and left. I would guess it was a period of 6 months or so that I was at my worst. Add to that the fact that she wanted kids and I (at that time) did not and you get where I am now. She had denied from the very start that there was an OM but I always felt there was in my gut.

Long story short, I found out yesterday that she is seeing someone. No surprise, but man it still was a punch to the gut. I always felt that if I just knew if there was an OM it would make me feel better. See, I needed a reason that all this was happening to me and what I had been given just wasn't adequate. But with an OM in the picture it would answer so many questions. Be careful what you wish for I guess. Now I can't stop thinking about my wife with another man. It's awful.

Upon learning of this new man I asked her who else knew and she toldme no one. I told her that was going to change. Not my finest DB moment but I emailed her mother and let her know what was going on. We have a good relationship and my W's mom and dad have been as baffled by my W's behavior as I have. I told them because they actually suspected it was a possibility as well but dismissed it with 'she wouldn't do that'

Well guess what, she did. Now my wife is claiming that it was 'just one date, only went out for coffee, didn't even kiss him!' But hoe do I believe a sigle word that comes from her mouth? I don't. Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do, right?

Fact is, I believe that if that really was their first date then he wasn't the first guy she's dated since our problems started. Of course up until the latest bomb she had been very adamant about remaining friends throughout this. She realizes now that that is impossible. I now understand that it was only to soothe her own guilt. If we are still friends, then I am okay and she didn't hurt me. Crazy way of thinking...

Anyway, as of now she has informed me that we will have no more communication and she will not be answering any more of my questions because all I ever do is take what she says and throw it back in her face and she's not falling into that trap again. All her words, not mine.

She goes to Vegas for this whole upcoming week for work and she has informed me that when she gets back from Vegas she will be getting our carpets cleaned as well as some of the walls repainted so as to get the house ready to sell. Oh, and she will also immediately be filing for divorce. Another nice punch to the gut for me.

So here I sit waiting to get served.
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/05/07 01:00 PM

My W is out of town on business until Saturday. I went against all better judgement and sent her an email last night. I have been sort of sending her these 'journaling' emails and they really help me. Sometimes she replies, sometimes not. Doesn't matter; they are for me and my growth. I do not argue, I do not beg and plead. I just really am getting things down on 'paper' that are in my head.

Now that I know there is OM I have trouble thinking about anything else when I think of her. Like, she gets home on Saturday night and I'm thinking that she probably can't wait to get home so that she can see him. Or, she probably calls him several times a day right now because she wants to talk to him. That used to be me that served that role. Luckily, I didn't write any of this stuff in the email I sent to her.

I fear my detachment process will be slow. If I do not see her for several days I feel great! I am able to push it out of my mind and really enjoy life. The next time I see her though, it takes my right back to square one. Ruins all of my progress. It is because of this that I am almost looking forward to the D? Does that make any sense?
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/05/07 11:37 PM

It isn't that I didn't know this was coming but it still hurts. That is, unless I am overreacting. As I have said, my W has been living in an apartment for six months now.

Through our earlier correspondence I told her that I would probably end up renting a place after the house is sold. Apparently she needs to be out of her current apartment by june. She informed me that she would either be moving back in with her parents or moving into an apartment with 'a friend' as she put it. Now, I know all of her friends so the fact that she didn't name this friend is shady. Can she really be moving in with OM? According to HER, they have only 'been on one date' so something isn't adding up.

So anyway, she tells me that she has this idea that we should sell the house by owner to try to save money. Well, I cannot afford to carry both the hous and apartment financially. I am not leaving the house until it sells. Why should I, it's my house!

I know that there was already only the slimmest of chances that she would come back to me, but this is just more proof that she is done.

I was having a great day, I hadn't heard anything from her since Monday and I think it was really to my benefit. I felt better and more optimistic about my future. I was going to the gym every day and really doing much better. Then BANG, one tiny email from her and I feel like I am back at square one. Thank goodness I haven't called her, that would be a disaster

I think a lot of us here fall victim to seeing a lot of reactions from our spouses as positive steps or 'baby steps' or whatever when in fact they are nothing of the kind. Speaking for myself, I think every move that I thought was positive was just her trying to be nice in order to 'help me' through this. It is the same idea as them wanting to remain 'friends' I think.

I guess I am just looking for a kick in the pants here. I need to NOT allow what she does control the way I feel. Only I can control that. It just stinks because she gets back in town this weekend and so next week she will push for the sale of the house and she will also file for divorce.

ONE positive thing I have learned from being apart from her is that I am able to get better. Like I said, if we don't have any contact at all for several days I actually start to hurt less. Of course, it's been 6 months now since she moved out so maybe I should be at that point.

Any input would be appreciated.
Posted By: still hoping

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 04:50 AM

Originally Posted By: Lost_for_now
I went against all better judgement and sent her an email last night. I have been sort of sending her these 'journaling' emails and they really help me. Sometimes she replies, sometimes not. Doesn't matter; they are for me and my growth. I do not argue, I do not beg and plead. I just really am getting things down on 'paper' that are in my head.


Journaling is great. I write letters to my H that I never give to him. I express my thoughts on this site just to get them out of my head and reread them to see how crazy they sound. I think you should continue to journal, but I think you should ABSOLUTLEY STOP sharing your journals with her! Like you said, they are for YOU and your growth. I don't think you are accomplishing anything by having her read them too. Even if you are writing about how much you've changed, etc., it's useless unless she sees it in your actions.

Originally Posted By: Lost_for_now
I think a lot of us here fall victim to seeing a lot of reactions from our spouses as positive steps or 'baby steps' or whatever when in fact they are nothing of the kind. Speaking for myself, I think every move that I thought was positive was just her trying to be nice in order to 'help me' through this. It is the same idea as them wanting to remain 'friends' I think.


I do the same. It's overanalyzing the situation. I think it was OSU who told me to just take those "positive steps" for what they are and NOTHING MORE. Need to really work on this myself, so not really allowed to bash you on this subject.

Hang in there - it's not over yet. If you want someone to read what's in your head, put it down here on this site - not in an email to her!
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 01:02 PM

Originally Posted By: still hoping

Journaling is great. I write letters to my H that I never give to him. I express my thoughts on this site just to get them out of my head and reread them to see how crazy they sound. I think you should continue to journal, but I think you should ABSOLUTLEY STOP sharing your journals with her! Like you said, they are for YOU and your growth. I don't think you are accomplishing anything by having her read them too. Even if you are writing about how much you've changed, etc., it's useless unless she sees it in your actions.

Hang in there - it's not over yet. If you want someone to read what's in your head, put it down here on this site - not in an email to her!


Still hoping,

First, thank you so much for replying to my thread, I appreciate it!

Second, you are absolutely correct. In fact, in one of the emails I sent my W I realized the same thing and said that I really need to buy a journal for myself. The additional nice thing about the hard-copy journal is that it's easy to just flip back and see the progress you have made over time. Okay, it's decided. I will go out and buy my own journal and stop sending her emails.

I think that a part of me that I wasn't acknowledging still saw those emails as a way to try to 'win' her back. No more of that.

Oh, and feel free to bash me as you see fit! No one here is perfect, so if bashing were only allowed from people who never made the mistakes it'd be a lonely place indeed! I thank you for correcting my course.
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 01:41 PM

One other thing about journaling via email and sending it to her. She said on one of her replies that she reads them and likes to keep up on how I'm doing. So that's just another reason (as if I needed another one) to quit. She shouldn't get to keep tabs on me. Maybe that's being bitter, but that's how I feel.

I often wonder, if I was in her position how would I handle it? Impossible to answer, since I simply would never cheat on someone. Especially not a spouse!

But even if we move this into the 'hypothetical' realm I would never string it out. If I was 'not thinking clearly' (as most here believe their spouses are not) then I would move full steam ahead! I would walk up to the spouse, say "listen, I am going to start seeing someone else. I am moving out, and I am filing for divorce as soon as possible."

That's it. Clean break. Maybe that's just unrealistic. But if it is, then how should it be done? It's never going to be easy, and the LBS is always going to be hurt, so what to do? Sometimes I think "well, if she is really and truly unhappy and she just doesn't want to be unhappy anymore then maybe I should just let her go?"

Another thing I thought of is that we have no children. That means that after the D is final I will have no need for contact with her. It'll be great for DB and GAL, but it isn't what I want. I want her back, and I won't get it if there's no reason for her to contact me anymore. She will simply move on with her life (with OM) and I will eventually do the same.

One of the times we emailed recently she mentioned something about getting an annulment. She only brought it up because I am Catholic and my mom made her feel guilty (W's words) about the fact that the church doesn't look very kindly on divorce. So apparently if we both agree that there were expectations on children before the marriage and I changed my mind on having/raising them then we can get the M annuled. I said to her that even if that was legally true I would never agree to that because it simply isn't true! Through the limited amount of DB'ing and GAL that I have been doing one of the biggest things to come out of it is that I really want kids!

She replied that that wasn't the case before and even though I say it now she has no way of knowing if it is true. That's when something else occurred to me. She may very well not CARE if I want kids now or not! She's already (presumably) with OM, so whether I want kids anymore is irrelevant. But, she might SAY that she cannot trust that it is true to validate what she is doing (in her own mind).

Yes, I know I am overanalyzing here. But this is just journaling really and better I say it here than to her!
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 03:50 PM

Another thing I just thought of...if part of the healing process is to stop all contact with the spouse, how is it handled if they contact you? And do you listen to them if they're trying to tell you what's been going on in their lives or work or whatever? Or do you just tell them that what they're doing doesn't interest you anymore?

Just wondering because I think it would hurt me to just listen to my W tell me about her life (especially if it's stuff like how happy she is). I'd just rather say I have somewhere else to be and leave.

So the question is, what if this is part of their wanting to reconnect on some level with you? How do you know the difference?

NO, this is not what I think is happening in my situation, but how would I know if it is?
Posted By: still hoping

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 04:28 PM

To this I'd have to say that if you do truly love your W and want to be with her, wouldn't you want her to be happy??? And wouldn't you want to share in her happiness? I would definitely listen to what she has to say if you're trying to get her back. If you're not interested, why do you want to be with her? (Or am I misunderstanding and do you mean when S talks about OP?) If your W wants to reconnect and you're trying to save your M, I would jump at the chance - ALTHOUGH don't make it so obvious. You can seem interested by asking questions, but not overly interested. Like someone else said, when S gives an inch, don't take a mile. If you want to p*ss her off, then go ahead and tell her you're not interested (not recommended).

Again, this is a sitch that I'm also dealing with. My H recently seems to be talking more to me about his work, which has become his life (I think because of money issues and people involved, he can't talk to OW about it because she hasn't met the people he's talking about and maybe he doesn't know if he can trust her yet talking about how much money he makes/will potentially make). The difference between you and me, I guess, is that I am interested in how his work is going and how well he is doing. I want him to succeed in his new ventures and if him telling me about it makes him feel good, then that's fine with me, even though I can't really share in his happiness because of our sitch. But because I know I wasn't supportive enough regarding his career in the past, I am showing him that I have changed by being supportive of him now. And I can only hope that it will help us to reconnect, because it's better than having no contact and who knows where it could lead.

Hope that helps you with your question.
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 05:00 PM

Originally Posted By: still hoping
To this I'd have to say that if you do truly love your W and want to be with her, wouldn't you want her to be happy??? And wouldn't you want to share in her happiness? I would definitely listen to what she has to say if you're trying to get her back. If you're not interested, why do you want to be with her? (Or am I misunderstanding and do you mean when S talks about OP?) If your W wants to reconnect and you're trying to save your M, I would jump at the chance - ALTHOUGH don't make it so obvious. You can seem interested by asking questions, but not overly interested. Like someone else said, when S gives an inch, don't take a mile. If you want to p*ss her off, then go ahead and tell her you're not interested (not recommended).


I think I did a lousy job explaining what is in my head. What I mean to say is, I would love for her to tell me things, and I am genuinely interested in what makes her happy and how her job is going etc. I would love for her to tell me that!

However, I would NOT love it if I was only hearing it because she thought she was 'being friendly' or something like that. In other words, I think I would fall into the trap of assigning too much importance on it because it's what I want so much.

So, the same thing might apply in your situation too. You mentioned that your H cannot talk to OW about certain things like his job. So then your task becomes not reading too much into what he is doing right?

I guess what I'm really saying is, how do you really separate being happy for them from wanting to be with them again?

Thanks again for replying to me!
Posted By: still hoping

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 05:12 PM

Ah, I see your point.

I guess the answer would be: DETACH

I know, I know - easier said than done. But again, like I said, maybe their initiating "being friendly" could lead to a real friendship again. When we first S, my H said that what he wanted was for us to be friends again because we had lost that in our M. So who knows - maybe if you could get that friendship back, it could lead to other things. You've got nothing to lose.
Posted By: Tiara Boy (CM)

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 06:18 PM

LoN-

I'm sorry you are here and SH is helping you rather well. There are a few things I would love to touch on though.

1. Let her be. In every way, shape and form let her go. This requires amazing amounts of strength, but it can be done. Try not to think about what she is doing, who she is with, where she is eating.......etc. Let her be.

2. Get out for you. Live YOUR life. Focus entirely on YOU. That's who this is about. Face your demons. Work on your issues. No matter what happens with your W, this will really help you in the long run.

When it comes to your R.... Just BE. If she calls and starts talking, then that is what she does. You have no control over her or her actions. You can only focus what you do now. Keep things light with her and let her dictate all of it.

Go read some other people's threads who have been down this road. OSU, Swashy, Mr. Highspeed, Sofaraway, Myself (formerly confused mess) ....We all started about the same time and things have progressed differently for each of us, but we all have one thing in common. We have no CONTROL!!

Keep breathing!
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 07:04 PM

Originally Posted By: still hoping
Ah, I see your point.

I guess the answer would be: DETACH

I know, I know - easier said than done. But again, like I said, maybe their initiating "being friendly" could lead to a real friendship again. When we first S, my H said that what he wanted was for us to be friends again because we had lost that in our M. So who knows - maybe if you could get that friendship back, it could lead to other things. You've got nothing to lose.


Thanks. Detachment is clearly what I need, and I know it. Just such a tough road...I'm not saying anything that people here don't know. From everything I have read here though, even though it is painful and very difficult there are no easy answers. It's just something you must get through.

I also agree with your last line; I certainly have nothing to lose.
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 07:08 PM

Thank you very much for the reply.

I am now seriously considering getting the words "leave her alone" or "stop contacting her" tattooed on me so that I just stop already. Not for the relationship (which is gone and not returning) but for ME. Hard for me to move forward as I'm backsliding so much.
Posted By: mcojh

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 07:14 PM

I hear you brother. You have to go forward.....for yourself. Just Do It
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 07:26 PM

Thanks mcojh. No doubt, the hardest thing I have had to do.

And it ain't even close to over yet!

I know this will get easier. I am really finding myself mourning the relationship more than anything. Also the feeling that I failed my W. Like, some other man is better at making my W happy than I am. That kinda stings.
Posted By: Tiara Boy (CM)

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 07:41 PM

Don't worry about the backsliding. I was once known around here as the king of backsliding...just ask around \:\)

Ya know what? It doesn't matter how much backsliding you do as long as you learn from it. That is what matters.

The OM isn't better at making the W happy. Happiness comes from within and he is just a temporary fix. My W will eventually learn this also and will probably end up knocking at my door at some point and it is pretty much too late for that now. The OM is a drug. They feel the "newness" of it all. It will wear off and more than likely he is a lot like you.

You will mourn the R for quite some time. I still am, but the "episodes" don't last long at all now.
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 07:59 PM

Thanks again...that really helps. Don't have anything else to say really, I think you summed it up really well for me!

I would like to ask why you say it's too late for her now. How and when did you get to that point? I often wonder the same things, that's why I ask. I think to myself, "if she were to come back today and tell me she wanted to get back together, what would I say?"

I have talked to my sister about this and her reaction is always the same. "You would be CRAZY to ever take her back." To that I always reply that if you haven't been in my position it's impossible for you to say what you would do.
Posted By: Tiara Boy (CM)

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 08:52 PM

LoN- As much as you probably want to, do not listen to your family members. My family did me a great service when the just detached from my sitch and let me have my space.

That point will come when it comes. Some people take years, others take months. Don't get me wrong, I still grieve. I just know in my heart that for her to come back she would have to commit to at least a year of work on HERSELF before we started working on us. Today, she hasn't made the effort to do that, so for today I move on. It is all about one day at a time.

I knew when she asked me at one point whether or not I saw a chance for us working things out and from my gut I answered NO immediately. I then left her apt and cried my eyes out. Partly out of shock and partly b/c I just knew.

It is painful and I grieve the good times now. But it only makes me stronger.

If your family continues to voice their opinion you might want to stand up to them and just tell them nicely.... "I thank you for your concern, but this needs to be my decision and right now I am in no place to make that decision and I just need time to figure things out."

You will be ok.... Just keep it simple!
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/06/07 09:09 PM

You made another point that I thought of the other day and makes me so sad. I thought that I am doing all of this work and I am making myself a better person; I am such a different person now than when she walked out.

And then I thought...I wonder if she's done anything to change the person she was when she left? She may have, and might still have decided that she didn't want to be with me. Who knows. I can't wear myself down trying to figure that kind of stuff out. I have enough trouble trying to make myself better.

You are a much stronger person than I am. If my W asked me today if I thought there was a chance of working things out I would say YES! It would be followed by a list of things that I think need to happen but I could not shut the door. Not today anyway.

I am sorry for your situation. You sound good though, and as I like to say to people here I hope to one day get to where you are now!

Interesting take on allowing family into the mix. I agree, and think that sometimes it's overbearing and not necessarily what might be best at the time. Still, they only want to help because they love you and don't like to see you hurt. Nonetheless, I think I agree with you. I DO need to get through this on my own, in my own timeframe.
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/07/07 02:39 AM

Night time is some of the hardest time for me to get through. It is when I find myself alone and thinking about her the most. This should really be my clue to make sure that I am busy during these times so that it is easier.

Sometimes I just want to think about her, even though I know it will hurt. I guess this is part of the process of getting through it.

I am fighting really hard to not email herright now. Actually what I really want to do is call her but what a complete mess that would be. Man, if it didn't hurt so much I would almost laugh at what a terrible idea calling her would be.

She has been away for six months and I really get down on myself because I feel like I should be so much farther along in this process. We were only married for 14 months when she walked out, I shouldn't be this pathetic!

How in the world does someone throw in the towel after 14 months?

I have another bad habit which is to go over old emails between us. I have looked back at emails she had sent me a week before she walked out. They were perfectly normal, even was sure to end each one with 'I love you'

A day before she dropped the bomb she couldn't eat and her stomach was bothering her. I figure she felt this incredible need to drop the bomb and it was affecting her physical health. I obviously never put two and two together.

I feel lucky to have a place like this where I can just come and unload all of this junk.

She gets home tomorrow from her business trip and I will not hear from her. I am pretty sure OM will though.
Posted By: theoden

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/07/07 04:02 AM

Lost,

I'm sorry. It must hurt like hell.

Here's what I think.

1. Find your mission in life.

2. Totally get a life.

3. Become passionate.

Those things will help you detach and move on.

Also they'll make you more interesting and attractive if she ever wakes up.

Don't sweat how and when you interact. It'll happen.

I suggest stop emailing her your journal. It's a non-stop barrage of your inmost thoughts. It will reveal your desperation and misery. It's as if you were chasing her and following her. How can she miss you if you pour our your thoughts to her in these tomes of neurosis? That's not sexy or attractive.

--Theoden
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/08/07 02:12 AM

Theoden,

Thank you for replying. One thing is for sure. If those that come here learn nothing else, they learn this: STOP PURSUING!

Easy to say but so hard to do. The last email I sent my W was on Thursday and I have had no contact since then. She has not replied to my email nor has she called me. Just as well I think; I don't think I'm ready for that at the moment. It's funny, not that long ago there wasn't a person on the planet that I felt more comfortable around. Now when I see her it's like it is like a first date.

She was scheduled to return from her business trip. I assume she is home but as I said I haven't heard from her. I think an email saying she was home safe is the least she could do, but I guess not. I am sure she is much too busy with OM tonight. After all, they haven't seen each other in almost a week. Makes me ill to think about.

I know I am getting better because I actually eat now. Through this ordeal I have dropped 30 pounds. I am not complaining, but it isn't a diet I would recommend to anyone.

I had a pretty good day today. Went to the mall, which is something I had been putting off for a while. I got a new job that starts on May 1st and I needed new clothes. At one time I was going to ask her if she would go with me and help me pick them out. I laugh at that idea now. I don't want to even see her anymore. She doesn't wear her ring anymore, but I still do. I choose not to let her adultery affect what I think is right. I will wear my ring until the divorce is final. Only then will it come off.

Oh, before I started shopping I went and saw the movie 300. Great movie,glad I caught it in the theater.

So I bought a lot of new clothes, all by myself. I hate shopping, especially for clothes so it was an accomplishment. And as I was walking out of the mall I passed a stationary/card store. Felt like it was no coincidence. I walked past it, then stopped and went back. Inside, I found what I needed -- my very own journal. It is sitting next to me right now, and I am excited to make my first entry.

Knowing that she is with OM right now and being completely powerless is maybe the most pain I have ever had to endure. I am the farthest possible thing from her mind right now, and that hurts too. She got off her plane today and couldn't wait to see HIM.

I thought about something else today that made me sad. All the people who 'stand' for their marriage and eventually end up reconciling, I wondered whether I would feel as though I was her consolation prize. Like, she really wanted it to work out with OM but for whatever reason it didn'tan but it's okay because I can always fall back on good ol' H. I think I would feel like a sucker. One last thought on this. I think it must empower (not sure on that spelling!) The WAS to know that they can always just return to the LBS if things don't work out for them the way they'd like. If it was me I would think, "heck, I am going to try dating a few people! I mean why not? If it doesn't work out I can always go beck to LBS!"

It seems like it has to be part of their thought process, ESPECIALLY if the LBS is telling them that they are going to stand for their marriage.

Okay, this is certainly enough for today plus I want to break the seal on my new journal!!

Thanks once again for being my refuge.
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/09/07 01:07 PM

Another day, and I don't think this one will be a good one. I may have to see my W today as she is supposed to be coming over to pick up the tax stuff. Been around 10 days since I have seen her and I was feeling okay with things until today. Every time that I know I will have to see her it sends me straight back down.

I guess we'll see how the interaction goes, I have very very low hopes. I am still deciding between putting on the happy face and acting like I'm fine or just acting how I feel.

This divorce needs to get done. She is supposed to be filing this week, though I really don't know why we aren't going the mediator route since we have already talked about the settlement and agree on how things will get split. Seems that we could save money if we used a mediator then. Or am I confused about how it works?

Going through that process might really knock me down for quite a while. It's like I'm dreading it but yet I want it to happen. I want it to happen so that it can serve as the clearest possible sign that she is finished and I need to move on. The sooner I am able to move on, the sooner I can hopefully meet someone new for myself. I really do miss having someone around to talk to and hang out with and go places with.

Hope everyone had a nice Easter. I spent it with my family and my W was with hers. I wasn't sure if everyone in her family knew about us, but they certainly must by now! It is better that way. SHE will be the one that has to explain why I'm not there.
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/09/07 03:25 PM

Okay, one other thing I wanted to say because I feel good about it.

I have decided to continue wearing my wedding ring until the ink on the D papers are dry. This is not for my W, it is not a tactic to try to win her back, none of that BS. This is for me, and what I feel is the right thing to do. She has chosen to go outside of our marriage, and it was HER choice. I choose to remain true to my own moral standard and what I think is right.

I will also not even think about dating someone else until the D is over AND I feel that I am ready for it. I laugh when I think about it now. No WAY am I ready for that; there is still much to be done on me before I am ready to start looking outward.

Still makes me sick whenever W tells me she wants me to be happy and to find someone else. She is trying to ease her own guilt, I have been told. And I'm beginning to understand and believe that to be the case.
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/10/07 02:02 PM

I have a feeling that I will be seeing STBXW today. I think she will be coming over to the house to pick up tax stuff to send in. I am pretty scared about seeing her. It has been around 10 days since I have seen her and the interactions we have are sterile. Cordial, but completely sterile.

It is so uncomfortable for me (and I'm sure her) to be together now. She clearly doesn't want to be there, and I know the reason she wants to leave is to probably be with OM. Not a good situation for either of us.

That just made me think of something else. One of the things that started happening that made me very suspicious that she had an OM was the fact that she completely stopped changing clothes in front of me. If she was showering, she would keep the door totally closed and then just move into another room with a towel on, close that door, and get dressed. Once, we went out of town on a trip and again, when she changed she would go into the bathroom and shut the door to get dressed. I knew then that there was probably someone else.

Now for the bizarre part. I really believe that the reason she was doing it was that she would almost feel like she was 'cheating' on the new man if I saw her without her clothes on! The irony would be funny if it didn't rip my heart out.

Can't wait for this day to be over with. I will be very glad when it's over.

One last thing. Thank GOD for my dogs. Two labs, one black and one yellow. They are truly lifesavers every single day. I would recommend dogs to everyone, but espcially people in my situation (no kids) who would only be coming home to an empty house or apartment.
Posted By: drbty

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/10/07 02:44 PM

Lost,

Amen on having a pet. The ex was suppossed to get him when we split, it was even in the papers. I'm thankful now it didn't work out that way. She didn't want to be responsible for having to take care of him or anyone else - free to play, you know.

You mentioned further above how you wanted the divorce to be over as soon as possible. Although mine happened incredibly fast, in hindsight I really wish there had been more time. If there's any hope of reconciliation it just seems it would be a lot harder for her to come back after a finalized divorce.

Yet another agonizing part of these situations is deciding when to give up hope. After 8 months I'm just now starting to really realize we're done. And that she won't be coming back.

Hope your next encounter goes as smoothly as possible. Hang in there brother.

-db
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Re: Feel this is where I should be. - 04/10/07 03:07 PM

Originally Posted By: drbty
Lost,

Amen on having a pet. The ex was suppossed to get him when we split, it was even in the papers. I'm thankful now it didn't work out that way. She didn't want to be responsible for having to take care of him or anyone else - free to play, you know.


Not sure if you were joking with the last sentence, but I think that may be at least partially true. Don't want to be stuck having to take care of dogs when they could be out with OM!

Originally Posted By: drbty
You mentioned further above how you wanted the divorce to be over as soon as possible. Although mine happened incredibly fast, in hindsight I really wish there had been more time. If there's any hope of reconciliation it just seems it would be a lot harder for her to come back after a finalized divorce.


Well, not having gone through it I guess I just don't know. What I do know is that I am tired of the hurt I feel everytime I see her. In order for me to make real progress, I feel like I have to be away from her. You could easily be correct though; having the D finalized could mean I will never see her again. I think though, that if that is going to happen then I never really had a chance anyway.

Originally Posted By: drbty
Yet another agonizing part of these situations is deciding when to give up hope. After 8 months I'm just now starting to really realize we're done. And that she won't be coming back.

Hope your next encounter goes as smoothly as possible. Hang in there brother.

-db


Amen to that. Yes, when do we give up and realize that they're not doing this to hurt us or get noticed, they're doing it because they are truly finished and want out? I'm about where you are I think. My W has been moved out now for six months and she isn't coming back. She has OM, and from all evidence appears to be perfectly happy. Whatever, good for her. All we can do is work on us and hopefully get ourselves in a position to meet the true Miss Right.

Thanks for checking in, and I wish you the best as well.
Posted By: Lost_for_now

Will she ever get tired of hurting me? - 04/10/07 04:23 PM

It appears that my wife will just never get tired of causing me such incredible pain.

I got an email from her this morning, which is weird because we've had virtually no contact (save for strict business) in weeks.

Anyway, she tells me that she's very busy but asks if I've heard the song "Not ready to make nice" by the Dixie Chicks. She says that she got it on a CD her sister made for her and she loves it and thinks that I would like it too.

So I go onto iTunes and download it and listen to it. IT'S AWFUL! Seems to me like the basic idea of the song is that she's still mad and that she's just fine with her decision and that's it!

Seriously! I KNEW all of that already! I KNEW that you were just fine, I KNEW that you are still angry! Why continue to pound it into my head???

For those that don't know the song, here are the lyrics:

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
Posted By: drbty

Re: Will she ever get tired of hurting me? - 05/04/07 04:10 AM

Hi Lfn,

How are you doing? Any developments?

RE: the song,
Quote:
thinks that I would like it too.
Was she just being sarcastic, or does she really think that you're still mad at her and feel the same way?

Hope you're feeling better.

-db
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