Divorcebusting.com Forums Thread Like Summary - Going dark feels like pressure

Hello!
I’m new and hope that I’m doing this the right way.

I’ve been reading a lot on this forum and now I would like to contribute.

As probably all of you, I could write a book about my story, maybe I will some day.

In short, met 14 years ago when I was in an abusive marriage. Fell in love, I became a WAS and never looked back. I felt at home the moment I met him. Our R was great for I guess first 8-10 years. Then things started to happen, in hindsight I think this is when MLC started. To name a few, relationship with his family was difficult, my mum had serious health problems, jobs were too stressful for us, we bought a house and responsibility for that was a huge deal for him, his grandfather died and we witnessed him passing away. This was before 2020 when [censored] really hit the fan, in feb in a few days-weeks I had a miscarriage, burnout, my mum had a stroke, our dog a tumor and oh yeah there was a global pandemic which resulted in losing my job a had for 12 years.

For 2 years H really did what he could in taking care of me, my mum and our dog. Halfway he got a new job, his former job was very stressful and his boss looked over his shoulder all the time. In the new job he works solo, also during the night. This is when he started to think, I now have a job a like and no more stress but still I’m unhappy, bored and nobody’s watching. This is when the online EA started. In march right before a holiday was the first BD; I’m not happy and have the feeling my life is going by without living it, and I don’t have feelings for you anymore like I should. Yes the famous speech everyone gets. Months later he told me that during that holiday he broke off all contact with OW, but got back a few weeks later. After the holiday he told me no I don’t have doubts anymore I love you and choose you. I did think what do you mean with choose because I didn’t know about OW, but I was kinda glad everything was ok. We started doing work in the garden together and I started thinking about new things to do. We worked on our R by doing more new things and working out, loosing weight. He did teeth whitening. He started learning for his drivers license for motor cycle.

Yes all the classic MLC…

In june we went on another holiday. It was ok, but during this time I felt something was wrong. Near the end he told me yes I still have doubts. We talked a long time about things in life he felt missing out on, and I told him we can make it happen. Nothing I offered was good enough. In the plane I had a panic attack.

Back home a few days later the big BD happened, yes there is a OW. And no I don’t want to stop. We had a lot of talks, and he explained he needed the experience because I was the only one he had sex with and he didn’t feel like a man. And it had to be a woman from a specific part of the world, that was his dream.
Long story short we agreed with help from MC that he would sleep with her. By then she had booked a ticket to meet him.
In oct they met and did have sex. I supported him because even during those 5 days he said this is it after this I’ll end it and make everything up to you.
Last day of her visit he came home and told me I think we are done I’m in love with her. He moved to other bedroom for 3 nights. Then he came back to me we had sex every day since then but he also booked a ticket to see her in jan, and started calling her from his car every day for at least an hour. Those hours were heartbreaking for me, more than the PA.

Things went up and down, from we are done I’m looking for an apartment to I think I come back to you. I booked a trip for myself to be away in jan when he goes to see her. The last night before I had to go even went from waking up and saying I think we are going to get back together after this, to I’m not able to stop this, to the words right after sex a few hours before my flight; listen to the subtitles this is to be continued. I asked what that means he said we are going to have sex many more times.
And him crying that he didn’t want me to leave because he would miss me so much.

Now I’m at a tropical island in that part of the world where she is from (but another country). This has always been our happy place. He will leave in a few days we text all the time. I try to go dark and let him miss me (he said if I miss you I come back to you), and it’s working he’s the one reaching out for attention. But I made the mistake to ask about it and then he said I do miss you but I now know I will never be able to stop, no matter how much it hurts to loose you I just can’t stop it. I did ask at a wrong time (he was tired and stressed) and start to learn that when I ask I get this answers, when I wait and let him talk he says the opposite.

So now I’m planning to stop asking questions. Let the A run its course and hope for the best. In the meantime I do wonder should I keep the connection between us by talking to him but without R talk? Or should I put pressure on him by going more dark and stop talking? It feels like pushing and manipulation and not giving him the space to let the A run its course.

Sorry about any typos I use my phone 🙄. And what I said I could write a book so there is much more to it, but this is my story in a nutshell.

Looking forward to any advice, especially now their A really is about to start.
I am confident he will come back but don’t know if this will take a long time.

Bat,
The space is just as much for you as it is for him if not more. You need to detach from him for your own mental well-being. It has the side effect of making him wonder why you're not pursuing and perhaps if he made a mistake. It won't happen overnight and will probably take some time, but go dark for you.

That's awful. How did you address the effects of this abuse? Did you seek IC?

Or instead of getting it out of his system he'd want it more and not want to give it up - endorsing your spouse to have sex with another person is rarely a solution to a troubled marriage.

Agree to disagree then. But I'd ask...how has this approach been working for you?

Your H is in another country with OW and says he doesn't want to give her up. How is that showing respect?

What do you mean not speaking to anybody? Do you have a support network (friends, family...etc)?

Almost certainly months. Very possibly years. And, even if it ends with OW there's no gaurantee he comes back...it could be OW2 or OW3.

Bat I came back from a family vacation with my W 4yo son and 1yo daughter on which I thought we had a pretty good time. A week or two later my W said she thinks we need to separate and within 24 hrs I found out about OM. I google every statistic about affairs I could find, seeing they usually last 3 months or 6 months or up to 3 years. So I assumed I'd be the 3 months and by Summer we'd be back on track. Because it was crazy to me to even think about separating/divorcing with two young kids, a nice house, good careers, and pretty decent situation overall (not much fighting, no abuse...etc, etc.). For months I took care of S4 and D1 while W "worked late" and "went in early". Eventually the affair did end when their employeer and OM's W found out. But guess what? W started dating OM2, moved out, filed for D, and moved OM2 in.

Point is...don't rely on a hopeful timeline. Don't rely on your H suddenly "coming around" and wanting to R. The ONLY thing you can control is you. Focus all of your energy on yourself. Go to IC. Go to the gym. Exercise regularly. Take up new hobbies. Meet new people. Those are the things that are going to make you feel better about yourself and coincidentally more attractive to your H and other people.

Look, most new posters always have some reason that they need to talk. Don't justify talking to him.

For example:
Who takes care of the dog more? You or Him? If it is him, it is his dog. If it is you, then it is your dog. Negotiate who will be completely responsible for this dog.

We are now your online friends if you want. One of the first things I strongly suggest is getting "In Real Life" IRL friends. Most of us have done that during this process. My first friend group after the divorce I met by going to starbucks daily. I got to know the staff and the regulars. If you want more help in this area asks us for tips.

No, you've done nothing wrong, I'm simply advocating using prior threads on this forum as an additional source of information/learning.

Many of your questions will be answered as you continue your research through this website as well as continue asking questions.

My best advice to you is to:

1. stop focusing on him.

2. Focus on yourself.

3. Stop going down the cheeseless tunnels of endless scenarios which may or may not ever happen.

4. Jump headfirst into GAL activities ASAP

5. Sit quietly and think long and hard about your core values and how you want to live a life that reflects those values separate from any other relationship, especially your marriage.

6. Once you figure out what makes you really tick, other answers will become readily apparent. You need to figure out who you are now. You already know who you were prior to this M, and who you were during this M. Who are you now, today, after BD and all the experiences you've had over the past few years? How have they changed you? How have they either solidified or changed your core values? Have your priorities/what's most important to you shifted as a result? This is important work to do. Get a notebook and spend some time writing this out. It's worth the effort.

7. Stop all R talks with your husband. I mean NOW. STOP.

8. Learn what the term cake eating means. I see a lot of it here, and you're serving it up on silver platters daily. Stop doing that.

9. Learn more about healthy boundaries and what you personally define as such.

10. Read the love languages book by Gary Chapman.

11. Start an exercise program. Even if it's a 20 minute walk a day that you aren't doing now.

12. Here's your STFU smoothie frequent user card. You get to punch out a star for every time you use it.

That's a good start for homework for you.

This, combined with the other details you gave of how he's justifying his affair (talk of "needs" and dangling the prospect of coming back to you), worries me, Bat. This will sound harsh, but I worry that your relationship wasn't on sound footing to begin because you didn't have your own life independent of him, making you very isolated and vulnerable to manipulation.

Now that you have time to yourself, I really encourage you to start building your own circle of friends and finding out who you are outside of a relationship.


I've read in several places that most affairs die within 2 years, the majority ending within 6-9 months. A very small percentage of affairs turn into marriages, and most of those marriages fail. I understand why you ask this question—you want to have a timeline for when H might return. I understand seeking hope from this information. But really try to live your own life, keep moving forward instead of waiting around for him.

Bat,
Ummm...no. I know it hurts, but he is cheating on you. That's not acceptable behavior in a marriage regardless of how badly one wants children.

Not sure you specific circumstances, but do know there are lot of ways to have children which don't include sleeping with another woman. Adoption, fostering, IVF, sperm bank, surrogacy...etc, etc.

Not sure who would think this is romantic.

That IS the most likely scenario. However, it doesn't mean he'll come back to you. Did you read my summary of ExW w/OM1 and OM2? It's not uncommon. Plus, it doesn't mean you should accept the behavior.

Do not believe their WORDS. Believe their actions.

Bat, you're focusing way too much on H and OW. Your best path is to move forward for yourself in the opposite direction as H.

Bat, Are you in IC? We see plenty of people on here hoping their spouse and AP break up, but rarely see anyone hoping their H has a baby with OW and then returns to them in a year or two.

What are you doing for yourself? E.g., exercise, GAL, friends, hobbies, support, IC...etc.?

I’m glad you’ve landed here. There’s lots of wonderful people who will help shape and guide you on your journey.

Your husband is many, many years from coming back to you - if he does at all.

I’ve never, EVER read a story where a marriage was opened up and it worked out for the best. It always come from a place of someone wanting to cheat, but wanting permission so they don’t have to feel bad about it. Your marriage counsellor is an idiot.

I think you’re in for a really rough ride. Best of luck.

Work through the welcome thread that DNJ posted… and then the main things you need to prioritise are IC, exercise, sleep and managing your emotion.

Not yet because I can’t get a copy now. Will in a few weeks.
I did read a lot of the links and keep finding new ones, so yes i did put in a lot of hours reading before I ask questions.

I’m also doing/reading a similar course in my own language, also based on work on yourself first and stop focusing on your ex (or x to be).

I’m sorry if I did something wrong

Ok I never wrote what I did to GAL so let me add that to the conversation.

The fact that I don’t have friends doesn’t mean I sit around waiting for him to come home.

I had a burn out and lost my job so pre BD my days were filled with reading, painting, walking the dog, running errands, household, cooking (also my hobby), watching tv and doing fun things with H like eating out, going to movies etc. I did loose 10kg by eating healthier. I did have IC for about a year, ending with a diagnosis. This made me more depressed and I stopped. The diagnosis and BD 1 were about the same time.
Post BD 1we continued this but at the same time we both started gal with each other and on our own. Going to the gym, eating healthy (lost another 15kg), doing more new things together like going to museum. After BD 2, when he said I want her and will visit her and start r and then leave you, I started to really do things on my own and make plans without him. I booked the month long trip I’m on right now, went to museums on my own and to the movies. I also started an online course in webdesign, planning to build a future in which I can work online.

I need a lot of alone time to be honest. Getting friends would mean chitchatting and being social, this is not really something I enjoy spending my time and energy on.

The more you interact with him, the less likely he will miss you. Until he misses you, your relationship will not improve.

Really think about this quote and how you can apply it to your sitch right now:
“You are meant to lose the people you love. How else would you know how important they are to you?”― Benjamin Button, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Bat,

We have a thing at this forum called a 2x4 (which refers to a big long piece of construction timber, 2 inches by 4 inches). Sometimes we joke about people needing to get hit over the head with it, so they’ll wake up and see what everyone else is seeing.

I sorta feel like I need to dish one out to you… but don’t take it the wrong way, it comes from a place of love and kindness. We can see from your posts that you’re struggling. We all want the best for you.

Having said that, here it is:

1. As usual, bttrfly is right on the money. Divorce Busting is a book. It’s a technique. And lastly, it’s a support forum. It seems you’ve skipped all the steps and you’re just here looking for answers. What you need to do, is set apart three hours/day for a few weeks to do some homework. You MUST read cadet’s welcome thread. Read ALL the links contained within. You need to order the Divorce Busting book, and maybe the Divorce Remedy book too. At the top of this Newcomers sub forum, there’s a sticky post about good books to read. You need to read Michele’s books, and then choose five more. DB is not a website with quick fix answers. You need to go back to fundamentals and start from the start.

2. While you’re pretty new here, your posts are ALL about your husband and trying to analyse his behaviour. Lots of posters have given you good things to think about, but generally you keep coming back saying “husband did xyz, husband said xyz, husband is acting like this because…” in the end, it doesn’t really matter. There’s no silver bullet here. In fact, trying to understand our crazy spouse’s behaviour after bomb drop is a one way ticket to madness. He is doing what he is doing. You can’t change any of it. What this forum specialises in is helping YOU. What are your needs, what are your wants, what were your flaws in the relationship and how are you going to fix your side of the bargain.

3. Most of the time, posters arrive here and each new topic they start is 10 pages long, then they start a new one. Sometimes after the third or fourth new topic (so 3-400 replies about their situation), some of the problems become more obvious and the veterans on this site can see the unhealthy dynamic in the old relationship and provide advice. In your case, you were about two posts in when it became very clear to me that there’s some really unhealthy things going on here - including in the way you sometimes defend your husband’s, well frankly, sickening behaviour.

To that end, I’m going to reiterate that I think a lot of the dynamic here (such as his severe gaslighting of you) is beyond the scope of this forum’s help. Certainly for me, I don’t have the foggiest idea where to start in addressing some of the issues here because they’re WAY out of our depth. Perhaps the real veterans like Ready2Change, BL42, LH19, Job, DnJ (who are also just really lovely people) have seen this stuff before and can be helpful. But IMHO, your situation needs immediate and professional intervention.

I highly recommend you seek out psychological therapy for yourself.

In terms of your husband, you should suggest he do the same - but whether he does or not is not your problem to fix. He needs help, and dare I suggest it, but I feel really uncomfortable that he could potentially do something really stupid. What if you decide to move on and proceed with a divorce, and then his skanky OW dumps him? Who knows what someone in his situation might do if his bullsh*t fantasy of wife at home waiting and pining for him plus skanky foreign hoe on the side all comes crashing down. He doesn’t sound well at all.

Just to make it clear, I’m not suggesting you stop posting. Keep coming here every day and updating us, seeking advice, telling us about it all. We are your friends and that’s what we are here for.

In summary:

You need to tell him to get professional support and then forget about him. Stop analysing, stop making excuses for him, stop being his support blanket. He’s going to have to hitch up his big boy pants and look after his own dumpster fire while you retreat into and take care of yourself.

You need to start Divorce Busting at the start. Welcome thread - all the links - MWD’s books.

You and your husband need to be in therapy. There’s lots of red flags here. Prioritise it. And if you don’t like or click with the counsellor or psychologist, find a different one.

Best of luck.

So many newcomers feel like if they are nice to their spouse they can win them back.

This isn't something you can "nice" away.

He has to go through his process, whatever that is and however long that takes.

You, the LBS, have to also go through your own process.

Start going through your process by focusing on yourself and your own next steps, completely separate from your H.

There is much to learn in the MLC thread. I applaud you for reading the wise words found there.

Bat,

Right now you're hoping he's going to "snap out of it" and return to you. Do not bank on that. Work on your detachment and move forward with your life. If he does come back it likely will not be soon and likely only when you've moved on and no longer even thinking of him as an option.