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Insecure, toughtimes180
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#2934677 06/07/2022 5:03 PM
by Insecure
Insecure
Hi. I am not married, but in a long-term relationship. I have read The Divorce Remedy several times, and I guess I am going under the assumption that these techniques can be applied if we are not married as well. AM I right?

I am going to share what is happening in my situation because I am terrified and also am not sure how to do this 180. I know our relationship is in a place where I definitely need to use the Last Resort Technique, as he has told me that he is DONE, this will NEVER BE NOT OVER, and he WANTS ME GONE.

This is after me doing all of those awful terrible things... the begging, pleading, crying, stalking, etc.

Let me explain the turmoil in our relationship first, and please, if you have any advice that would be so wonderful.

We have been together for four years. Maybe that doesn't seem like a long time to some, but I am very much in love with him, and I want to save this relationship. This is a man I met 25 years ago, on my 21st birthday. We dated briefly then, but I was young, and he had things going on in his life - it was never serious, and we remained friends all these years. About 4 years ago, we decided we wanted to be together.

About 1 year into our relationship, I realized that he was acting very different, I knew in my heart something wasn't right. He was taking his phone into the bathroom with him, always putting it face down, on silent, in his pocket, etc. He stopped texting me while he was at work, and soon just pretty much stopped talking to me all together. Mind you, we lived together. We had moved out of state - 2000 miles away from everyone we know. So we really only had each other. When I clearly would see him intentionally hiding something on his phone, I would ask him questions. I was told it was "none of my business". I began to snoop. I am not proud of this, but he would not talk to me and became very angry all of the time, and I did what I did. I discovered I was right, he was having an EA. With a woman he knew from back home. Of course, I lost it. When I confronted him, he denied it - but I obtained proof - and all I will say is that the evening did not go well at all. He ended up telling me to leave, etc it was a horrible fight. He has been having this EA with her for 9 months. 9 months out of the 1 year that we had been together! I was devastated. When I started packing, he suddenly switched gears, he was so sorry, he loved me, he didn't know why he was doing that, he ended it, etc. It was very hard for me to trust in that, but he seemed sincere. We talked about it, a LOT. He even told me I could look at his phone any time I wanted to, no questions asked. I decided not to - and I never did. I did notice they were no longer friends on social media, and he had gotten rid of the app he was using to talk to her.

Fast forward a few years later. Things are getting weird again. We have had quite a few big fights, but I also feel that in almost 4 years people just don't know each other well enough yet, ya know? I've learned t let a lot of things go, so has he. However, recently, I'd say for about 5 months now, he has again become very secretive with his phone. Always turning it away from me, checking messages that had no notification sound, taking it to the bathroom, etc. I once again asked if something was up. He got angry and asked why in the hell I would ask that. I explained the behavior with his phone was bothering me, and I was told "It's none of your business!" Just that very phrase was a huge trigger for me. I don't feel there is any reason for anything in his life to be none of my business. I have never said that to him, ever. No matter how I tried to tell him that it was bothering me, he has just got angrier and angrier. I am not allowed to ask questions ever. SO sadly, I resorted back to snooping again. I have not been in his phone, he keeps that pretty locked down and never available. But I have done other things. I am not proud of this, and it's not who I truly am or who I want to be, but he has become aware that I have been snooping around and now he is accusing me of tracking him, being a stalker, being a whack job, etc. To be fair, I have not found anything. I do not know if there is truly something going on or not. However, I can't shake the feeling, and he has now told me that he wants me gone. He refuses to talk to me, he is sleeping in another room, we have no contact or communication at all, and I am tired.

For many reasons, I still love him. I do not want to lose him, but I feel that I have, and I feel that my behavior has caused that. Everytime we DID try to talk about things he would say all I ever did was blame everything on him. Which yeah, I suppose I did, because it was always "I'm doing this because you're doing that" (seems so petty and childish ugh).

So here I am. I want to fix this. After reading Michele's book for the seemingly hundredth time I am sure that the last resort is all I've got. Though, I have no idea how to do this!

I have become severely depressed, insecure, I have no energy, I cry all of the time, I am basically just kind of worthless at the moment. I don't know how to act around him, because he acts like he is happy that we are not talking, and it hurts me and terrifies me more...

I really could use some advice here???
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#2934688 Jun 7th a 06:19 PM
by BL42
BL42
Originally Posted by Insecure
I have known this man for 25 years. I have always had this place for him in my heart - we always talked over the years.
Originally Posted by LH19
Sounds more like you are in love with the fantasy of what he could be than what he really is right now?
Often times the person we want someone to be is not actually the person they are. We project our hopes and desires of who we want them to be onto them. Then, when we get to know them better (say in an LTR) we find the flaws they had all along which we never knew about while imagining the fantasy of being with them, or perhaps covered up during the honeymoon phase of the relationship, which typically lasts longer than 3 months.

Your boyfriend cheated 3 months into a 4 year relationship and is now doing it again. He showed you pretty quickly into your actual relationship who he was as a person.

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." -Maya Angelou
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#2934779 Jun 10th a 01:52 AM
by Ready2Change
Ready2Change
“For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
― Benjamin Button, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
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