Summary: ExW (37) & I (40) were together 9 years, married 7, with two young children (then S4/D1, now S7/D3). BD shortly after a nice family Disney vacation, and soon discovered her affair w/married co-worker. For months I pursued, chased, begged, snooped...etc., put the kids to bed at night while she "worked late" and got up in the morning with them while she "went to work early". Affair w/OM1 blows up when their employer & OM1's wife find out; instead of working on the marriage ExW starts up w/OM2, moves out, files for divorce, moves OM2 right in (including with my kids). Physical separation coming up on 2 years this Summer and the divorce legally finalized 1 year ago. ExW's been living with OM2 for more than a year and a half in a house she bought across the street from his sister.
I was really crushing it the second half of 2021 - firing on all cylinders - but have felt a little slide in the last few months of 2022. Still a fantastic father and doing well at work, but feeling a bit more worn down, not getting to the gym, pausing grad school...etc. I've had guilt about the situation for the kids (despite not being my choice) and overcompensating there, bending over backwards to flex out of work and be as involved as possible - a good thing - but also need to make my own self-care a priority as well (E.g., put your oxygen mask on first). Did not to date until after D was official - moral thing for me and my kids - and only one date since, so not much to report there. Still have anger in terms of ExW and OM2 living with my kids, mostly when it's in my face.
1 year officially divorced as of last week, an appropriate occasion to start a new thread...
ExW has kids for Thanksgiving this year so I dropped them off in the AM and we'll returned them tonight, but when I pulled up OM2 was backing up his brand new truck and had a smoker in the driveway prepping turkey and kids got out of the car and S7 walked towards him and D4 used his pet name to ExW. Just felt like I'm dropping off my children to this man who they see their mom and my ExW living with and being a family for a Holiday event when I'm not allowed to be with them. Yes, I need to get over it and am better most times but every once in a while it stings. It's tough being a holiday.
As DnJ would say feelings are fleeting. When straight to the gym for about 2hrs and did a 5k on the treadmill, lifted weights, and did sit ups and speed bag. Need to get more regular/dedicated there - have slacked off a bit lately - but know that'll make me mentally and physically stronger and more attractive.
Hard to believe it's been a month since my last update. Want to fill folks in on some events from and since Halloween and get some feedback on that in another post.
Ginger1 - Not sure how you put up with dropping your daughter off at your Exs/OWs for so long. That must've caused you so much pain over the years. It still riles me up after a year or two. You must be a saint.
You don't have to be a saint. Once you work through the breakup, it won't "rile you up" much. Feeling "riled up" is common among the newly divorced, but it's uncommon among acquaintances and friends I know in real life divorced 5-15yrs. Some waited for time to work its magic. Others didn't see themselves improving quickly enough and turned to therapy.
Some people get trapped by their anger. Just be mindful of whether each year is easier than the last.
My feelings a bit more than a decade in? Yesterday was my Thanksgiving. My kids and I joked that our home's in a different time zone than XW's, which explains the magic for them of celebrating the holiday twice! I sent half a homemade pumpkin pie and vanilla ice cream over when my XW picked up the kids. Thu->Sun I'm kid-free. It's time for me to travel!
I'm not trying to be negative, but CW can we tone down the self-righteousness when you're the one who made the decision to not keep your family together. Don't know anyone on here who got made that decision. Know your audience a bit mate.
Bent you are awesome! I read his post and got really pi$$ed and said great now I have to be an a$$hole because he can’t see the difference that he left his W when she was sick. Thanks for saving bro.
BL totally normal. Holidays are tough. I wonder if you can’t have her come pick up the kids on holidays?
I do try to offer my advice to people in this situation, esp. having gone through the same thing myself. Very rarely is my advice accepted, but very often I get a "You were totally right, I so wish I heeded your advice."
How many situations have you weighed in on in real life? Sounds like a number of them?
SAdly, there has been quite a number of these situations. Once you go through such a situation, you develop a sort of radar for detecting MLC. And once you start, you cannot help but noticing MLC all around you. It is astonishing...
I haven't used Tinder or Bumble, but my impression of Tinder from people's discussions of it seems like people don't write very long profiles and initial decisions are made very quickly with the "swipe right, swipe left" nonsense. Also seems to be particularly popular with the hookup culture.
Bumble seems like a reasonable idea for those women who are intimidated by men contacting them. I might lose my advantage there though lol. I think being a woman willing to contact men first on the other apps may have given me an edge over the competition. I know that some of the men I contacted, for whom I was slightly above their stated age range, were more than happy to date me although they would never have even seen my profile the way they had their settings. They didn't think I was too old for them once they saw my profile (I'm talking guys maybe 2-6 years younger). The guys who were much younger than that were all ones who contacted me or, in the case of Mr Big Lots, he met me IRL (he was, I think, 9 years younger?).
Honestly, people in their 50's and 60's start to diverge quite a bit on the aging process, so a guy 9 years younger might be the same biological age as me, or a guy 9 years older. Stage of life seems to be more important.
never know when one might find themself in the 'Notification' thread ....
There’s a notification thread???? I had no idea. We have a notification thread but no edit button. Hmmmmmm wonder if I should notify someone using said notification thread about this? I mean, just a thought. LOL
Wow! 2 weeks! That must have been a lot fun, and exhausting, lol.
It was incredible...and definitely exhausting. A coworker said to me "the beach, that sounds so relaxing!" LOL!!!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
BTW, when my daughter was 3 it was meltdown city. Girls are a lot, lol. Long days, son water, playtime all the time, it gets hard to transition to having to listen when they have to listen.
Thanks for that. It's so difficult to deal with at times. I just try to be loving but strong. Hug her and reassure her but also don't give in to every demand just because she's melting down. I hope I'm doing what's best for her.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I see alot of people couples up too. Is it common to be a single parent with young kids? No. So you notice it more when you see young kids around. Sounds like you did fantastic though.
Thanks! I appreciate your words.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
So, I have one question for you: Taylor ham or pork roll?
Hmmm...so tempted to answer that with a question of my own! But still keeping my specifics ambiguous. I see a lot of you here interact IRL. Maybe soon...
bttrfly,
Originally Posted by bttrfly
The vacation you described will be locked into your kids' memories for a lifetime. Good stuff, BL. Good, good stuff!
Thanks! Fun times and great memories. That's what it's all about, right?
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Yeah, I remember feeling that way at son's baseball and hockey games post BD/D. It was especially hard when I compared it to pre-BD life. I found it much better to just focus on the activity at hand and stay strictly in the moment.
That's part of the reason I've been volunteering to coach son's sports. The main reason is enjoying the shared experience with him and keeping even more of an "off week" presence (plus it really is fun), but it also keep's me engaged in the event and not standing on the sidelines next to ExW. I already here her laughing loud and chatting it up from the field. Don't need to be closer to that.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
I cannot imagine what it feels like to have an interloper in the home you created for your family.
It's awful. I hate it. That's probably the hardest part of this whole situation...seeing another man - a man who was with my wife while we were married - interact and have influence on my kids.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
I remember exh missing his scheduled time with son, so I'd end up with three weeks in a row - yay! - then then emptiness when exh came back and got the boy.
I think there is a bit of a high and a low. A bit like how a drug addiction is described. The high of being so busy with the kids on vacation and having so much fun for two weeks, and then...crash in an empty quiet house.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
The way I coped was to volunteer at a local wildlife educational facility that had long interested me. I would come home so exhausted, yet exhilarated from interacting with the animals that I only had energy to shower, have dinner and go to sleep. It was my way of coping.
I volunteered at a soup kitchen on Christmas last year to get my mind off missing the Holiday with the kids. Definitely GAL is key whether it's hitting the gym, or being social, or volunteering.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Keep us posted on meetups in the wild. You know how I feel about OLD.
Time will tell! LOL. A half dozen friends have floated "set ups" over the past year but nothing's come to fruition yet. There are two women hovering a bit on social media lately DM'ing me about posts of the kids - I get the distinct sense they're interested - but not sure I am. I should probably just keep it light and go on some casual dates, but I have a tendency to look for those I see as having more serious potential.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
You're a great father BL ... do the kids play soccer in the fall?
Thanks bttrfly! I really do appreciate the kind words. This is S7's third year playing...and my third year coaching! He plays Fall/Winter/Spring and I coach his baseball team in Spring too. His first Fall in soccer they asked for any parents willing to help out so I volunteered as a way to be more present in his life...and have loved it. He even asks me (without prompting) at the end of the season if I'm going to coach next year! That will likely end at some point, so I'm taking advantage of it while it lasts.
So today would have been my 9th wedding anniversary.
I had no idea. I honestly didn't even realize. Perhaps that shows more detachment/progress? This afternoon my mom texted both me directly and our family text group about thinking of me, sadness, and a healing heart, but she'll send out quotes, prayers, and thoughts from time to time somewhat randomly so today's significance did not even register with me until a little later she texted again explicitly referencing the date and it clicked.
I didn't really feel sad or depressed. More annoyed that my mom would raise the topic with me and get me sidetracked on the topic when it hadn't even been on my radar. But I know she's hurting deeply in this process as well - not only seeing her son hurt and betrayed, but losing someone she thought was a close friend as well in my ExW - plus she obviously sent the messages out of love.
I do not long for ExW or pine for her at this point. Who knows, but my guess is if we didn't have kids I wouldn't have communicated with her for a year and a half now, maybe two. I do miss the partner and nuclear family, and I do still have anger over the betrayal and the impact to the kids. It would certainly be easier not to have to drop them off at her place and know OM2 is influencing their lives. But then if we hadn't had kids I'd miss out on S7 and D3. So how can I wish it didn't happen?
Some interesting tidbits over the past week since returning from vacation, but nothing of major significance...
Friends of mine mentioned they had an appointment with a former coworker of ExW and have other mutual friends and she mentioned ExW no longer works there but helps out occasionally teaching. Gave the impression she's still part of the team, but it's my understanding from people that would know that the team voted her off the unit and she got stuck in an undesirable assignment and was encouraged to look elsewhere. It's odd because this woman is a devoted Christian married with five girls and reached out to encourage me to work on the marriage even while ExW was having the affair...and I know they even hooked up in her office. I just brushed off my friends' "update" and didn't get into any of these details with them.
My mom had an appointment with a different former coworker who told her OM2 has gotten into trouble yet again for improper relations at work and may finally get fired this time. And I know my ExW wasn't the first time. This person claims she left that unit to get away from the "cesspool", that she knew ExW and warned her about this guy and saw her "downfall" coming. She asked my mom if she had ever seen him and said he's a scumbag and ugly and don't understand why women get with him, and that the whole unit hope he gets fired. Anyway, I told my mom I don't know what to say, that it doesn't matter now anyway, ExW is living with OM2 for a long time regardless, and that we have to look forward and not back. My mom said she just told me because "she didn't want to keep secrets; full disclosure"
So who knows. I'm in no way seeking this info out. Maybe I should be more explicit with folks I'd prefer not to know this stuff, but it is a little sensitive with my mom because she then might not be sure what she "should" tell me (e.g., kids info).
Also, for those of you who remember my awkward silent walk down the hall post-parent/teacher conference last school year. Last week we had a parent orientation at D3's preschool and we ended up sitting close to each other to share the pamphlet (one per family) and discussing plans and then afterwards talking logistics for the Fall and I ended up sharing a few videos from vacation. Part of me felt wrong or dirty interacting nicely with ExW who would betray me and breakup our family and do some of the most awful things you could do for a spouse, but again going back to the kids I suppose it's best for them we have cordial / friendly interactions when the situation calls for it.
Finally, last drop off S7 saw boys playing baseball at one of her neighbors' house and ask her if he could run over and play. D3 asked if she could too, but ExW told her the boys were playing but they could hang out with OM2's nieces (also neighbors). It did make me a bit sad they're putting down roots over there. But it is good they're developing friendships and interacting social with kids their age. So again...it's good for the kids and dad has to get over his emotions of the divorce situation.
Anyway...that's my week leading up to what would've been my 9th anniversary. I like to think I'm crushing it as a dad and making progress on myself, hopefully processing through this whole situation and "new normal".
The groom met W2 via OLD (Hinge, I believe) after the divorce. So it does work sometimes! She's beautiful, energetic, happy, family first kind of girl (if what I observed/heard is to be believed) and has certainly embraced being a stepmom to the kids, so I guess that's all you can ask for them.
Yeah it works for sure. Hinge is the best free app. I match with a lot of girls from Toronto on Hinge but the distance is too much for most women. Most of the bad OLD stigma comes from Tinder.
Originally Posted by BL42
Met a couple at our table where the guy was significantly older than his girlfriend. The rest of the table was all speculating and we put the timeline together that he's 55+ and she was gotta be younger than 40, maybe 35? He did not look that old. He was in-shape, dressed well, shaven head, very engaging and sociable (we all liked him) and mentioned he had sold his company and went corporate. She was incredibly attractive, high heels, tight dress, very sociable / likeable as well and could definitely date any single guy her age. They were self-described as boyfriend / girlfriend, not engaged or married, no kids. It'd be interesting to follow along with their relationship to see what happens, but they were on the bride's "side" of the wedding, so I'm not connected on social media or anything.
What??? You say a high status male was at the wedding with a sexy woman 20 years younger? I have to say I am shocked! You say they are not married? I have to say I am shocked! You say she say she would rather be with a high status male 20 years older than a nice guy her own age? I have to say I am shocked lol.
I always wondered if I was "enough" for my kids...
And I can tell you that they do notice, and you are enough by being there and showing up.
I had a pretty detailed talk with my Son over the weekend. We talked about things, and he has been curious about life events that led him to to the man that he is becoming. And even with all that he missed by being a kid, he saw a LOT. Pretty powerful moment when he told me that watching and seeing what I had overcome to be the person that I am, and that he admired me because of who I am, and also because of who I chose NOT to be...
So I think that what we do today will pay dividends. Maybe not today or tomorrow, yet it will..
Stay YOUR course, I think you are knocking this out of the park...
Mach1 - Thank you for that. I appreciate it. Reading your comment definitely gave me a boost today.
Ginger1 - Not sure how you put up with dropping your daughter off at your Exs/OWs for so long. That must've caused you so much pain over the years. It still riles me up after a year or two. You must be a saint.
You don't have to be a saint. Once you work through the breakup, it won't "rile you up" much. Feeling "riled up" is common among the newly divorced, but it's uncommon among acquaintances and friends I know in real life divorced 5-15yrs. Some waited for time to work its magic. Others didn't see themselves improving quickly enough and turned to therapy.
Some people get trapped by their anger. Just be mindful of whether each year is easier than the last.
My feelings a bit more than a decade in? Yesterday was my Thanksgiving. My kids and I joked that our home's in a different time zone than XW's, which explains the magic for them of celebrating the holiday twice! I sent half a homemade pumpkin pie and vanilla ice cream over when my XW picked up the kids. Thu->Sun I'm kid-free. It's time for me to travel!
I'm not trying to be negative, but CW can we tone down the self-righteousness when you're the one who made the decision to not keep your family together. Don't know anyone on here who got made that decision. Know your audience a bit mate.
