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PeterB, Traveler
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Original Post (Thread Starter)
#2934308 05/26/2022 7:45 AM
by toughtimes180
toughtimes180
Hey,

I thought I'd start a thread to get opinion from y'all on suggested 180s for someone with an avoidant personality in IHS who is actively validating where I can smile

Part of my personal growth on improving communication and connection can only go so far with a WW who doesn't want to engage and rather spend time on whatsapp chatting to God knows who.

I guess what I'm saying is, DB says pull back and go dark, but alot of that is same old behaviour for me. Initiating conversations or inviting to events seems like pursuing. Even opening up on something vulnerable seems misplaced to me.

Suggestions?
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#2934316 May 26th a 12:57 PM
by BL42
BL42
toughtimes180,
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
My latest 180 is to change style of glasses and grow heavy stubble. I always liked to try, but STBXW hated facial hair. It's great to not worry about anyone caring.
Maybe others will disagree, and I guess it depends on what your goal is (there's some question about whether you even want to reconcile), but the 180s are typically meant to address personal issues you need to work on that were major issues with your relationship. For example...if you always lashed out or started heated debates, stop that completely.

You want to improve your attraction, so not sure making a style change STBXW specifically hated is the best approach. You don't want to be antagonistic, and I get the sense on this one you're purposefully doing something you know she won't like. Unless you simply don't care and are moving on regardless in which case maybe it doesn't matter.
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#2934328 May 26th a 04:57 PM
by Ready2Change
Ready2Change
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
get opinion from y'all on suggested 180s for someone with an avoidant personality
Practice your new skills with everyone. Your boss, your kids, your family, people you interact with out in public and your work place. Treat you spouse like a squirrel. When she comes around, you can practice with her as well. Active listening, validating emotions, and enforcing boundaries.

When I google "avoidant personality", definitions are like this "chronic feelings of inadequacy and are highly sensitive to being negatively judged by others. Though they would like to interact with others, they tend to avoid social interaction due to the intense fear of being rejected by others". Is this what you are referring to?
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#2934313 May 26th a 12:16 PM
by SteveLW
SteveLW
You should never use 180ing as an excuse to break DBing principles.

DB principles say to stop all pressure and pursuit, give your WAS time and space, and to take the focus off of the WAS and onto yourself. Even if you were withdrawn, absent, etc during the marriage doesn't mean you 180 and start pressuring and pursuing post BD.

I struggled with this as well. I had become an absent husband, isolated in the bedroom avoiding my W for several years before BD. Now certainly IF AND WHEN the WAS engages, you take the opportunity to be present, upbeat, pleasant, fulfilled and pleased. But you still should not be the be one to initiate engagement. This is where so many LBSs fail.

A 180 you can make then is to be engaging when the WAS initiates engagement. Otherwise, you adhere to the DB principle mentioned above.
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