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Ready2Change, SteveLW, Taz, Traveler
Total Likes: 5
Original Post (Thread Starter)
#2934294 05/24/2022 10:56 PM
by toughtimes180
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#2934305 May 25th a 06:48 PM
by PeterB
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Let her be as angry as she wants. Show her you can "handle" her emotions. You stay calm and listen. Switch your thought process from arguing or justifying to She wants to be heard and understood.

Don't want to hijack TT180's thread but I think this is great advice for him or for anybody. We often get into situations where this is required. I have entirely stopped arguing or justifying. Making her feel heard is a subtle skill however, as disrespect needs to be identified on-time and our boundaries need to be maintained.

Originally Posted by kml
Just trying to hold up a mirror of what "normal" behavior would look like.

Thanks. It takes some slo-mo but we have to do this analysis (later if not in real-time) as to what is normal / reasonable and how far away from normal, the behaviors were. This is important when a R is on the downward spiral and when leading to or during piecing. However, in general we cannot let abnormal behavior affect us - this is a test of detachment imho.
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#2934330 May 26th a 07:19 PM
by Traveler
Peter says it well. You can’t stop her from “disrespecting you”. You only control how you react. Do you expend energy and escalate by arguing with her (attached behavior) or do you hang up, leave the room, ignore her (detached behavior)?

There may be situations in which you need to engage, but those are probably few and far between.
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#2934418 May 31st a 03:34 PM
by SteveLW
The reason the advice is to focus on self, focus on kids, and start looking forward to moving your life forward, with or without her is because........what choice do you have?

I know you know this, but it is important to rehear these things: it takes two committed spouses to make a marriage. It only takes 1 uncommitted spouse to make a divorce. And sense you have no control over her, you have no control over whether or not you end up divorced. It is not what we want to hear or even acknowledge, but it is a cold, hard truth. It is immutable. The fact is that if the WAS wants to continue to divorce there is nothing the LBS can do to stop it.

The only choice the LBS has left is to focus on themselves (and their kids if they are a parent), remove all pressure and pursuit, and look to moving their life forward. This is why the advice keeps coming back to this. Yes, it is difficult to do. Yes, it is at times frustrating that there isn't more the LBS can do. Yes, it is scary to face the lack of control you have over this aspect of your life.

But when it is all said and done, is there really any other option for the LBS? They can continue to bash their head against a brickwall, and hope it results in something positive. Or they can assume that their WAS is telling them the truth, that it is really over, and start moving their life forward with that assumption.

The good news is that by doing that, sometimes....NOT ALWAYS BUT SOMETIMES, this makes the LBS look attractive again to the WAS. After all, the WAS expects the LBS to hold on for dear life, to try to change their mind, to continue to win them back. And when the LBS flips that script and suddenly seems onboard with ending things, seems almost excited to move on with a new chapter in their life, and begins to embrace the change even though it isn't what they want, the WAS started to wonder why. They get interested in what the LBS is doing. They see the LBS in IC, they see the LBS out getting a life, they feel a loss of control over the LBS and their emotions, and they start to second guess what they are doing. Again, lots of WASs are dead set on leaving their marriage and nothing will deter that. But in some of them, the LBS following this path will cause the WAS to become interested again.

Tough, you seem to struggle a bit with the advice coming back to "Focus on self, focus on kids, move on." What are your thoughts on alternatives to this approach?
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#2935438 Jun 29th a 06:31 PM
by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
Well, the last two weeks have been probably the worse to date....I don't react, but internally it's taking a toll.
Then you still have more personal growth work to do.
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#2935454 Jun 30th a 11:54 AM
by Ginger1
Joseph- dating is dating and we all aren’t very fortunate to find someone very easily like you did. Bu you sound a little self righteous there about the dating and sex. You did knock up your girlfriend and have a kid out of wedlock.

I speak for myself here, and that while I date and have sex I surely protect myself well. I don’t think either should be a judgement point as long as we feel we each can look at ourselves in the mirror at the end of the day
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