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Ready2Change, SteveLW, toughtimes180, Traveler
Total Likes: 9
Original Post (Thread Starter)
#2933870 05/11/2022 9:49 PM
by toughtimes180
toughtimes180
Previous thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2933857#Post2933857
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#2933955 May 13th a 05:28 PM
by Ready2Change
Ready2Change
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
I did exactly that. It's in the outside paper recycle bin with the lid accidentally open.
Sounds intentional. Manipulative. You want her to see it and get a reaction.

You have a lot of personal growth to focus on.
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#2934029 May 16th a 09:35 AM
by Kind18
Kind18
If you keep the card, get emotional and tell her how much you love her and having a family with her - she thinks you’re weak, knows you’re a backup plan, and so is encouraged to continue with a no-consequence divorce -monkey branching 101.

If you bin the card, she tells her friends and family you’re an unemotional, rude [censored] - and they validate her that she’s doing the right thing because she shouldn’t have to live with someone like that.

See the theme here - IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT YOU DO, you’re wrong in her eyes, and she’ll twist it to justify what she is doing.

So why keep trying to be right when you know you’re only ever going to be wrong?

Better to put that energy into you, than into an impossible task.

It’s good you’re keeping your emotions in check around her. Bravo! That can be really hard to do.

Hang in there buddy, you’re doing okay. Your ability to self-reflect at this early stage gives me great hope you’re going to come out of this a much happier person!

You feel crap right now - fair enough. But from where I’m sitting, your trajectory is excellent.
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#2933876 May 11th a 10:39 PM
by BL42
BL42
toughtimes180,

Good just waiting to collect yourself before responding, but why do you feel the need to mention a L? Seems unnecessary.

Instead of: "Write down how to split our assets, and I'll discuss with a L."
Why not: "Write down how you propose splitting our assets, and I'll review it."
(then you consult with a L on your own)
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#2933918 May 12th a 05:54 PM
by Traveler
Traveler
Originally Posted by BL42
10 pages sounds burdensome...and extremely difficult to enforce. In the end you two will manage the kids during your time how you see fit. You're not going to be able to control things going forward.
I cop to making the mistake of a long child custody agreement! It didn't take me long to realize nobody remembers 10 pages of agreements or follows it if it becomes inconvenient when it's unenforceable. I have 1-2 pages I refer to frequently which spell out the schedule--routine, holiday, and days of special meaning and which take precedent. How school hours affect those. Who picks the kids up when they're sick. How to take vacations. What happens if someone's late. I'm proud my agreement has enforceable consequences for late pickup! I've never had to deal with a habitually late ex.
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#2934020 May 16th a 12:56 AM
by OnlyBent
OnlyBent
TT, it was a card which you read then threw in the bin, nothing to see here. It’s called guilty knowledge, you’re only thinking more of it because of the intentions you had when you did it. Lose the intentions and just do you for you and this won’t be an issue.

Stop thinking about how to explain everything and how it will look, she won’t care anyway. Re the being distant and cold thing, I struggled with this too. But if you’re polite, upbeat, happy and acting is if you’ll be fine no matter what, you will not come across as same old you.
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#2934125 May 19th a 01:13 PM
by Mumin
Mumin
Agree with LH you should focus more on you.
However I must say I "sense"/hear a bit of a changing mindset which is great!
Your wording sort of sounds like your moving from panic mode to orientation mode.

So whats your plans for yourself this weekend?
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#2934282 May 24th a 05:41 PM
by Ready2Change
Ready2Change
Originally Posted by PeterB
Yesterday she informed me tersely that she washed all the dishes (there were two of them and some spoons/forks, nothing of mine). And then added angrily that she had to do it only because I did not clear the dishwasher. We had just come back from a weekend activity one hour earlier, and I was fully occupied with housework after that while she was having her dinner. So, I didn't get the time to clear the dishwasher. Yet she thought that was a big problem. I was left wondering if she was really ignoring that I was busy (and hence deliberately nasty) or if she genuinely didn't see me running about across the floors doing multiple things. I assessed if the priority of things I did was wrong, but it was not. I also noted that clearing the dishwasher was neither on the agenda at that time nor did she request me to clear it. This is toxicity, and even more so post BD - pre-D. For LBS such as us, facing these situations while being able to identify them for what they are, allows us to put things in perspective while making our own decisions.
Looks like a missed opportunity to validate her emotions.

There is much more to her anger than it appears on the surface.

W (tersely):"I washed all the dishes"
H:"Thank you. I appreciate how you keep the house clean."
W(angrily):"I had to do it only because you did not clear the dishwasher"
H:"You sound angry"
W (even more angry)"of course i am angry..(more words from her)"
H"I can see why that made you angry"

Let her be as angry as she wants. Show her you can "handle" her emotions. You stay calm and listen. Switch your thought process from arguing or justifying to She wants to be heard and understood.


The old timers here talked about "putting on your rain coat" and let the emotions from the spouse fly. I was ready for my X to do this, but she never did. She was already checked out. Put your raincoat on. Set boundaries when she is disrespectful.
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