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Taz, Traveler
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Original Post (Thread Starter)
#2933625 05/09/2022 4:49 PM
by Traveler
Traveler
Previous Thread:

Life is Going Well Vi

Recap: WAS to a once-upon-a-time abusive XW a decade ago, LBS to an XGF of several years, single dad to a wonderful D17 and S12. Recently enjoyed dating someone named K until we had a bad weekend which was the cause of my last thread scrolling. Her finances collapsed and she's working to sell her car, switch careers, and move far away within 1-2 months.

---

While this thread looked back on that crazy weekend, my life's been racing ahead. This was "AP" week at my daughter's school so my XW gave me extra custody. I was hectic, but a very bonding time where my D felt she was up a creek without a paddle but dad came through. I only left her for two hours. I spent that time at K's. It was a rushed but delicious two hours.

This weekend I hosted my usual annual (hundreds of people) charity event. It felt wonderful to do good, chat with so many people, and utilize my attention to detail. So many underestimate the role of garnishes in playing, attentiveness to service without interrupting, the responsibility of bartenders to keep guests safe, etc. I was told it was our best in years!

My XGF stopped by. 5 minutes of talking with me and she left.

K stopped by for an hour and let the 2 ladies flirting know that we were dating. She helped me decompress with a margarita and spicy Thai chicken salad after. Saw my BFF and an old friend, too.

Hope all had a Happy Mother's Day!
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#2933652 May 9th a 07:36 PM
by Valeska19
Valeska19
Originally Posted by Traveler
I'm getting that! I strive to enjoy a thing for what it is--3 good months, a bad week/weekend where we discovered we may not be soul mates, and now the wait for her to leave. It's why I can enjoy a first date where there is no second and look back fondly on it. I hope you and Texan go far, but I hope even if you don't, the moments you shared remain precious.

How are you able to separate ^^^^ with

Originally Posted by Traveler
my dating criteria is "compassionate, loyal, attractive, emotionally stable, seeking a life partner, and common interests",

Has your criteria changed? Why are you not moving forward looking for what your heart desires?

For me - I think this is where my confusion comes in. As someone who has only dated looking for a life partner... I don't tend to waste time "having fun" with someone that has an expiration date. No judgement but how can I be open to finding my true partner when I'm putting energy into a dead relationship?

Sticking around K is serving a purpose for you. What is it? And is it more valuable to finding a stable loving relationship? Where you put your time and effort is where you will see the change. The decision is up to you.
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#2933720 May 10th a 05:33 PM
by Dawn70
Dawn70
Well, CW, as I just said on someone else's post, I think I need a translator or some other way to keep up because I forget details then the story gets a little discombobulated in my head. Throw in all the stress for my own work situation right now that has my brain all mushy and it is like a rat's nest up in there.

Yay for your being able to focus on D's AP exams though. I know that was important to her and to you. Good job on that, dad!
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#2933790 May 11th a 02:05 AM
by BL42
BL42
Traveler,

Your explanation here of your comments on toughtimes180's is well thought out and reasoned. I read it over a few times and understand your perspective much better now. You're saying that because tt180 and his wife both agree the marriage is over and because of that it makes sense she would seek out sexual satisfaction because that was a significant complaint of hers for years. That does seem more reasonable and I get where you're coming from.

However, I wonder if you also could see things from my (and others') perspective on three points:

1) toughtimes180 has been back and forth on his thread regarding the issue of "being done" recently. Myself and others are not convinced he truly believes it deep down. If his W didn't go have an affair and could address his issues it seems like he wouldn't want the D. So I'm not sure they're "released of their vows" as you would put it.

Originally Posted by tt180
looking at International flights (to visit ex lover I suspect.
Originally Posted by Traveler
Makes sense? You're throwing in the towel. She deserves pursuing sexual satisfaction and happiness.

2) Hopefully you can understand how I (and multiple other posters) read this as "she's not happy so it's cool if she flies off to have an affair". Maybe there's context in this particular situation but not exactly something that would help a LBS struggling with his or her marriage and certainly something LBS's (most of whom has spouses who had affairs) would object to.

Originally Posted by Traveler
For me, if one spouse says they want out, and the other is unopposed, they are released from their vows.

3) Another way to read this is vows are meaningless. No one says "until death do us part...unless we both change our minds". Marriage is meant to be a lifetime commitment and traditionally the vows explicitly call out "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health". So this view does not exactly sound "pro-marriage" or in the vein of MWD Divorce Busting. It's reasonable for folks here to take objection to that comment/advice. It's also easy to understand that if this take on vows really is becoming the norm how the traditional concept of marriage is dead. To LH's point: "It's comments like this that solidify my stance that marriage is a joke."

Originally Posted by Traveler
I felt tt180's best options were to focus on his issues to save his marriage OR let go and each find their happy elsewhere. Marriage shouldn't be toxic indefinitely. He deserves to feel respected, to feel a deep connection. She deserves a sex life.
^Hard to disagree with this.


Anyway, you don't need to respond - I don't want to get into a debate about it either - just thought you'd like to know I appreciate your explanation and better understand your viewpoint, and also offer you better insight/explanation into my (and I think others') views on the matter.
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#2933799 May 11th a 08:23 AM
by LH19
LH19
CW if you posted “ you know what I thought about it and I probably shouldn’t have said that”. Everyone one would probably be like “ok cool”.

A lame justification well is just that lame.
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#2933975 May 14th a 03:48 AM
by kml
kml
OMG T, how tragic.
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#2934040 May 16th a 05:20 PM
by Dawn70
Dawn70
Oh my....that is awful!
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#2934131 May 19th a 04:34 PM
by MLCxH
MLCxH
I am not going to comment on whether Traveler's advice was right or not, but I do understand his perspective. I feel he was highlighting an important issue in the marriage that the LBS needed to address if there was to be any chance of R. Also, since the LBS had little control over the WAS's actions, I don't feel the advice changes anything other than making the LBS understand that he needed to step up in this area. Could have definitely been worded better, but I felt the intent of his advice came from a good place.


I am going to play Devil's advocate on a few comments here. It does not come from a jaded perspective but rather a very stark and honest look at the reality of marriage today, without being clouded by the romantic idea of what a marriage is.

Originally Posted by BL42
Another way to read this is vows are meaningless.

Vows and a ceremony are optional in most places to be legally married. Hence, the vows are only as meaningful as the person saying it wants it to be. Since 50% of marriages don't last, you could make an argument that vows are meaningless


Originally Posted by BL42
Traveler,

Marriage is meant to be a lifetime commitment and traditionally the vows explicitly call out "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health"

In today's society, marriage is a commitment to stay married till you get divorced. People can and do choose to end their marriage because thing got worse, their spouse is not as rich as they would like them to be or their spouse is sick. The concept of no fault divorce shows whether it truly is a lifetime commitment. Yes, for some it is a personal choice but with 50% of marriages ending in divorce the lifelong commitment camp is in the minority.

Originally Posted by BL42
To LH's point: "It's comments like this that solidify my stance that marriage is a joke."

Comments like these are a small percentage of things that can aid solidify this stance smile Pick any thread on Newcomers and you will find a lot more.
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