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AndrewP, bttrfly, devvo, Taz, Traveler
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Original Post (Thread Starter)
#2933615 05/09/2022 2:09 PM
by kml
kml
Previous Thread:

Lightening My Load


Putting this definition here for LH who never answered my question of why he always insults people if they don’t agree with him:
“ An ad hominem argument is a personal attack against the source of an argument, rather than against the argument itself. Essentially, this means that ad hominem arguments are used to attack opposing views indirectly, by attacking the individuals or groups that support these views.

Ad hominem arguments can take many forms, from basic name-calling to more complex rhetoric. For example, an ad hominem argument can involve simply insulting a person instead of properly replying to a point that they raised, or it can involve questioning their motives in response to their criticism of the current state of things.”

While people have always offered blunt advice on this board, the bullying and personal attacks are a new thing.

No, I’m not a narcissist. My ex is and I am not the only, nor the first, to identify him as such. His behavior towards our adult children since the divorce confirms it

The main thing I did wrong in my marriage was not to immediately divorce his sorry a$$ when I discovered he slept with an old girlfriend the night before our wedding. The other thing I did wrong during my marriage was completely outside my control - I developed an autoimmune disease that caused me to be tired. (Oh, and don’t forget the infamous complaint I “walk too heavy”).

Other than that I was kind, loving, forgiving, hardworking, sexy, an intellectual and physical companion. Almost every man I have dated since my divorce has asked me what the HE-double hockey sticks was my ex thinking when he divorced me? So I have outside confirmation that who I am in a relationship is pretty darned good.

Spouses that want to cheat don’t necessarily need their wives or husbands to give them an excuse. Cheaters make up their own excuses for their infidelity. And yes, even really good spouses get cheated on.
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by kml
kml
Got the sad and shocking news that a man I know died suddenly of a heart attack yesterday. He was probably my age or a little older. He had a radio show back in Connecticut and was a big fan of my bestie who I play music with. He interviewed us for his show last time we were touring there. We were Facebook friends and he was a genuinely nice guy who was friends with everybody.

He had white hair and since I’ve been growing out my white hair, he always had encouraging comments. Comments on his FB page from others show he was always this kind and nice with everyone.

Remember, everyone - none of us are promised tomorrow. Don’t let focusing only your past keep you from living today and tomorrow.
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by kml
kml
7 months since CMM’s passing, and the protective initial numbness is wearing off. This weekend I cried when the robot boyfriend died in my Korean drama. ( I’m not normally a crier).
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#2933627 May 9th a 04:56 PM
by DonH
DonH
Originally Posted by kml
Block you

This board is evidently not already in rough enough shape with only a handful of people remaining who post. So by all means let’s block the few that are still here and posting and further hasten the board’s extinction. Brilliant move. Plus it serves to scare those few who do post into worrying they will be blocked next. Maybe we need a new rule that only well padded or “safe” 2X4s are allowed. Or perhaps just ban anything we don’t agree with (and often can’t refute). I may not agree with some of what LH posts but silencing him is sorta like winning the debate by forfeiture. I’d rather silence him with my brilliant retorts. But that’s just me, well me and Elon Musk. smile
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#2933629 May 9th a 05:00 PM
by Valeska19
Valeska19
Originally Posted by Traveler
I've noticed the increasing insults. Steve recently muted LH, too.

Did you also notice the similarity that in both of these instances...multiple vets agreed with him and both of you disregarded/ defended against MOST of the feedback. Even when examples were given.

There was a season on this board when 2x4s were acceptable and honestly from a place of tough love. It doesn't mean there was a lack of empathy... but we are not the "trophy for participation award" squad. We are the "hold your feet to the fire" squad. The 1st most likely got you here. The 2nd - gives you the best chance of getting out of it.


Originally Posted by Traveler
LH has always been challenged by WAS like Wayfarer or Josh's who may not be wrong to end a toxic relationship, and LBS like May and Steve who saved their marriages in IHS and without waiting for years. (And truly at his best with villainous WAS and LBS who really need to find the strength to leave.) I hope LH is able to sort through whatever's made him grumpier and less empathetic lately! I wish him well.

T - We don't know if Josh's relationship is toxic. It's displaying Toxic traits NOW as all marriages do when they are falling apart. Rewriting of history happens on both sides of the fence. Only time will settle the muddy waters of emotions... but sadly most don't last here long enough for us to truly help them.
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#2933659 May 9th a 09:10 PM
by LH19
LH19
In a calm demeanor I will say it should be pointed out it was an EA and I never once indicated I was not a flawed human being. I could say my ex is a narcissist and the only thing I did I wrong was fart to loud. No I own my part in the downfall of the marriage. Affairs are symptoms of underlying problems. Those are the facts and they can not be refuted.
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#2933682 May 10th a 12:47 AM
by LH19
LH19
Originally Posted by DonH
Originally Posted by LH19
Well K that’s fantastic that you are the first person maybe in history that didn’t contribute a single thing towards the downfall of their marriage. Congratulations!

Not sure if you’re the person to ask LH but I honestly do not know. Would this be narcissistic behavior - someone believing they contributed nothing towards the downfall of their marriage?
Don I don’t feel comfortable answering this question do to some recent events but I believe there is a saying about ducks that may assist you in your quest for information.
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#2933696 May 10th a 11:22 AM
by toughtimes180
toughtimes180
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Valeska19
T - We don't know if Josh's relationship is toxic. It's displaying Toxic traits NOW as all marriages do when they are falling apart. Rewriting of history happens on both sides of the fence. Only time will settle the muddy waters of emotions... but sadly most don't last here long enough for us to truly help them.
Exactly it is clear he doesn't want the marriage to end. Tell me CW how telling him his wife deserves to go out and find good sex is empathetic.
I stumbled on this flame war about me lol.

If I recall, the sex comment was in reaction to my statement post BD that I knew she was having an EA and wanted to travel to meet him. Because it's post BD, and S is clearly on the cards, she's entitled to find her happiness.

I'm pretty sure the relationship was toxic from the start. I specifically recall incidents early on, and during the entire M. Now maybe they were just infrequent incidents at the start. And over time they got more frequent. Or if I manned up, they would be just be infrequent incidents. Who knows.

FWIW, deep down I know M needs to end. It's just easier to hold onto the hope that she'll change.
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#2933666 May 9th a 10:44 PM
by bttrfly
bttrfly
As someone whose husband cheated ... this is my humble opinion, based on my sitch ... my exh can hold a grudge better than a camel can store water. He literally feeds on resentments, nurtures them like the Cookie Monster collects chocolate chip cookies. This is NOT the recipe for happy and healthy relationships of any kind. It fuels most of his behavior.

I believe he justified his affair because of his anger and his resentments. Did we have problems? Yes. Did I contribute to them. H3ll YES. I don't think anyone can be in a 26 year relationship without some resentment growing on both sides, or mistakes being made on both sides. We are human, after all. But I also know my exh, in some ways far better now than when we were married. He absolutely justifies the most outrageous behavior based on his whim du jour, which also is colored by his anger and his resentments.

As far as LH's point on expectations - I agree, but I also think that some of the expectations people have - in fact, the ones that probably cause the most problems - are the unconscious expectations, whose very nature makes it impossible for them to be clearly communicated.

Again, I see this with perfect clarity in hindsight, certainly, in my own sitch.
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#2934037 May 16th a 04:51 PM
by kml
kml
Nice belated Mother's Day/ birthday visit with my kids yesterday, we took a nice walk on the beach and got some nice pictures with the younger two (oldest was asleep by then, works graveyards).

Youngest son, the one who broke up with his girlfriend of a few months recently, was telling us more about the fallout. Even though he broke up with her as nicely as he could, she unleashed a torrent of bile on him. (Among other more vile things, she called him an Unhinged White Guy, which I think will be the name of my next punk band!). Of course, her unleashing the crazy has just made him more sure about his decision. He feels bad that she was hurt but he could see their relationship wasn't going to go anywhere, they couldn't resolve their arguments in a healthy way and now we can see why. I'm proud of him for making a healthy decision and not taking the bait when she insults him.

I made the delicious Guava Cake again and it is SO GOOD. I highly recommend looking up a recipe for it on the internet if you like to bake. It's best made the day before. It's a layer of cake, topped with a layer of cream cheese, sugar, vanilla and whipped cream, then that is topped with a layer of gel made from guava nectar. SOOO yummy, and actually not too overly sweet. My favorite cake ever. And easily made gluten free if you just use a GF cake mix for the base.
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#2934970 Jun 15th a 11:55 PM
by kml
kml
Yesterday was 6 months since CMM chose to exit this mortal coil. I posted some photos of him - every one shows him gazing at me behind the camera with love. He was a difficult, complicated person, but his love for me was true.
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#2934984 Jun 16th a 04:10 PM
by kml
kml
Maybe that's the key to why I'm so obsessed with Boys Over Flowers right now. The male lead is also a difficult, complicated character (in other ways than CMM) but his love for the female lead is true.

Trigger warning though - the Korean version is delightful, but some of the other versions - especially the Thai version - have a lot of violence and some domestic violence in them.
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by kml
kml
I was just entering tomorrows date in a planner and it dawned on me, tomorrow would have been my 38th wedding anniversary if we had stayed married. (Normally the day passes by without me even remembering it).

And instead of feeling nostalgia or regret, all I felt was a vague sense of “OMG, 38 years would have been WAAYYY to long to be married to him!” Lol. Guess I’m over it.

I’ve also been divorced now half as long as we were together. I’ve lived a lot in that time!
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by kml
kml
Santana was fantastic - and his wife Cindy Blackman is an INCREDIBLE drummer. Earth Wind and Fire was great too. And spiritually, it felt like what we all need right now. It was the first night of the tour that has been delayed 2 years by Covid and they were all clearly SO ready to be back onstage!
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