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bttrfly, Ready2Change, SteveLW, Taz, toughtimes180
Total Likes: 13
Original Post (Thread Starter)
#2933338 05/04/2022 12:44 AM
by toughtimes180
Continued from:
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#2933801 May 11th a 09:33 AM
by LH19

Your STBXW knows you better than anyone on the planet. She knows what has work in the past to get what she wants from you. Show her that she can’t push you around anymore.
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by toughtimes180
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Not sure if you have had a good cry or releasing some anger.
Daily for both
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by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Josh_T
Today I feel really down...My energy is used up to "fake it until you make it", and I still have my stomach in knots.
Very normal. For me, I had/have to get out of my head. Going for a walk and being in the moment (or motorcycle ride etc). I am sure you have emotional release work that needs to happen. Not sure if you have had a good cry or releasing some anger. Lots of people cry in empty parking lots, shower etc... Making time for other things besides the relationship issue is important.

Keep taking it one day at a time. Just know everything happens for a reason.
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by toughtimes180
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Josh, it's really good to let those emotions out. I'm here to tell you, as miserable as it feels in the moment, this will not last. You will get through this. You have some great support here.
I feel supported here, more than anywhere else in RL.

Well, one the plus side, STBXW is responding well to boundaries. No BS arguing if I'm in her way or inconveniencing her. I can even see her trying to prevent outbursts when a conversation goes down a path she doesn't agree with. And the one time today where she tried something, I shot it down. Respectfully, of course. I wish it was like this, like in 2009! Lol

She unloaded a bit with me about how her plan to move in to her parents won't work. Her Mom said no, and I agreed and validated that it was unfair and disappointing that her own parent wasn't supportive. Now STBXW has more stress because she'll have to find a three bedroom unit that is pet friendly, or disrupt the kids school year, and move to a different suburb. I know I did a great job validating.

I reread NMMNG. So much more work for me and IC.

Today, I feel rested. Had a GAL night out with work mates, and despite feeling like crap, I had a great time.

STBXW and I have a school function today. It will involve a 40 minute drive each way. Not looking forward to it. But I'm not to care about any of her reactions, right?
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by LH19
Be proud you did good.
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by LH19
Josh you should be proud! You stood up to the bully!

Her actions didn’t constitute validation they constituted boundaries.

She’ll never admit it but I bet she respected you for the first time in a long time. That’s why it’s making you feel so uncomfortable. You are use to kissing her arse.

I can not make it any clearer you can’t push her away she’s already long gone. Everything is what’s best for Josh and kids.
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by Traveler
Josh, Recognizing you control how are you discipline the children, and she controls how she disciplines the children. That’s the answer to almost any question where you’re asking how you can control her behavior. You only control your behavior.

You are doubtless feeling the loss of control. Can you also see it for her speaking up about her preferences when it comes to disciplining the children? Do you think she may have a point in some situations? This is another opportunity to take some time to cool down, be curious about her perspective, and find common ground. Alternatively, you could vent, and lose even more control.
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#2933690 May 10th a 02:35 AM
by BL42

Sorry you're struggling. You're right, IHS can be emotionally draining.

Based on what I read from the start of your initial thread 3 years ago I'd bet you're going to A) get some relief once the separation happens and B) look back on this and realize how much happier you can be when not in this relationship. You've talked about being "neglectful" and her being "emotionally abusive" from the time you two started living together even before marriage (your words, not mine) and she's been open about planning her exit for 7 years now, more than half your relationship. Let go, find relief, and work towards making your life happy.

You're getting lots of good advice. A few notes I'll re-enforce from others' posts:

  • You can't control her; you can only control you. Reflect on this and truly understand it.
  • Your relationship with her family will not be the same. It just won't. You may not be at odds but you won't be as close. She's their daughter. It is what it is.
  • Do not move out. She can leave if she wants.
  • Drop the emotional talks; communicate anything important through email and run by an L.
  • I second LH's Peter Crone recommendation.
  • Arrange a schedule or agreement with STBXW about kid coverage.
  • Use all that time you're not responsible for the kids to GAL like crazy.

Hang in there. You'll get through this and realize much better life can be.
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#2933694 May 10th a 04:34 AM
by toughtimes180
BL42, this is a good summary of what you all said and your points are actually the things I need to remember. Thank you so much.

You are 100%, I know my life will be better after. For the first time in my life, I have no doubt about what I want, and my initial reaction, hours after BD is telling. I said to myself, she did me a service, and I'm finally free. I've already felt the positive improvement in these short tremulous weeks.

You have refreshed my mood for today, thank you.
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#2933768 May 10th a 09:47 PM
by Valeska19
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
The question was out of curiosity, because it bothers me she was so quick to ask for me to look at the kids and gocon vacation. And it bothers me that it could have been the catalyst for BD. Yeah, bad idea to ask, it doesn't matter now. It would just make her feel guilty and more resentful to me.

I'm pretty sure it's the fact that it would give her time with an AP versus her pushing the kids off on you that is bothering you.

It's important to recognize what we are really upset about so we can set our perspective. You can look at is an opportunity for her continue on with the affair.. or an opportunity for YOU to spend more time with you kids. Your children are not pawns... They will remember who fought for them when they are older.
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#2933807 May 11th a 11:58 AM
by toughtimes180
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
I'm totally upbeat today, and she's avoiding me like the plague.
Welcome to the wonderful world of IHS. The good news is years from now you won't even really remember it.
Something to look forward to! LH19, your advice and support is always gold.

Wedding Anniversary in a few days. I'm preparing to be reminded. Can't recall who suggested this, but my line will be: "Oh really, I hadn't really thought about it". And then walk away.
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