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bttrfly, pinn, Traveler, Valeska19
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Original Post (Thread Starter)
#2932757 04/21/2022 2:04 AM
by Traveler
Traveler
Previous Thread:

Life is Going Well V



Life has been going amazingly, but this post chronicles a disintegrating relationship.

***

Wednesday, K shared wonderfully sweet words of affection from a journal she wrote for me. Then, she wanted to skip our evening plans, and took me to her bedroom for the night. Was fun! She asked me to stay the night, but then she couldn't sleep with me there, so I left at 1am.

Friday, I'm looking forward to dinner and a movie together at 6pm. She calls and wants to skip those for sexy times at 6pm.. or even a quickie while I work? I feel uncomfortable--we've barely talked since I returned. I say I like the idea of a walk, dinner, or movie. She says she's too tired for anything but dinner and would need a nap before that. She's ready at 8pm. When we get there, since we're "just eating" she invites her BFF. I'm annoyed but BFF doesn't show. After dinner and sex she wants to sleep solo so she's rested and will be in my bed when I wake up.

Saturday she arrives at 11:30am. Says she ended up playing with apps too late. After shopping together for a backyard project we planned to do together I buy her lunch. After, she says her feet are too tired to move and she's getting sleepy. I say she can point and I'll do! She suggests we visit a sex shop 30min away. I'm uncomfortable again and point out she's too tired to walk. We go home where she says she needs a nap. 3hrs later, she awakes. I ask if she wants to watch a movie or play a board game (since she was too tired for out). She doesn't like my choices. I give her the remote and we watch her favorite show. She's busy on apps, says she needs to do her "dailies". Keeps asking if I like the show. I say it's fine. She turns it off and takes me upstairs for sex for multiple hours.

Sunday, she leaves in the morning (I had Easter business she declined to join which was fine). She calls me that afternoon to tell me she took on a new side job and won't have time on weekdays. I texted back I felt our relationship had been too sex-focused lately and I'd love to spend more of the time we had talking, dancing, eating out, hiking, etc. She called me that night and didn't want me to feel that way. Spent 30min telling me how precious the shopping and hanging out had been, that sex was her love language, and she loved me but would be busy until June with her new side job to make ends meet and this is as much time as she could offer until then. She pointed out we have a trip each of the next two months. She made plans with me for Wednesday.

Monday, she was almost incoherently tired when she called. She'd forgotten about our plans Wednesday, wasn't sure if she could make it, said she hadn't slept well.

Tuesday, I texted to let me know when she'd be free for a meal, hike, or just cuddling. She texted me about her attempt to cook pasta that fizzled. I called. She brought up she was up for going on a date with me Wednesday and I offered to cook her dinner and bring it over.

Wednesday, she called to tell me she hadn't slept well because her throat hurt. She canceled our date because of her sore throat and tiredness said she's asking her dad for a loan. She attributed the sore throat to trying to cook at home and wanted enough to Doordash again.

***

I'm not ready to breakup, but I'm sitting home missing her when I could've been out with others, unsure if I should leave Sunday open for her "tentative" plans. I don't know if I'll see her before my "surprise birthday trip" in two weeks, nor do I feel comfortable going with where we are now given she's said it'd fulfill "my sexual fantasy" and my only fantasy is more emotional connection. I'm questioning her stability given she can't handle cooking and needs a loan from her dad. I asked her during her rough patch what I can do to support her--she said knowing I'm there is enough. I guess I should start filling in days she doesn't enthusiastically reserve, tell her what I'd like from this vacation, and try to limit my expectations. Life is never what you expect! Que será, será.

***

I may watch Les Miserables tonight. A friend told me the most recent film adaptation was decent and I've never had the good fortune to see it on or off Broadway as a play.
Liked Replies
#2932758 Apr 21st a 04:18 AM
by kml
kml
Oh wow. That sounds like a whole boatload of weird!

She’s a grown woman who gets a sore throat from trying to cook pasta at home, and is so broke she has to take a second job and borrow money from her dad but is spending money on takeout food? And what’s making her so tired she has to take a 3 hour nap at your place? And what’s with the aggressive sexuality? I mean, sex is fun and I love it as much as the next person, but she sounds like her main focus is sex and not actually getting to know you better. I guess that fits with her past (non) relationship history, right?

Sounds like this is not the droid you are looking for. Something’s off here. Sorry.
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#2932771 Apr 21st a 01:56 PM
by Dawn70
Dawn70
I didn't get to comment on something from your last thread before it locked out, so I'll say it here. You need to separate friends from romantic entanglements. One of your "complaints" about K is that she isn't up for 3 hours of vigorous activity (I don't remember exactly how you worded it and quite frankly, I'm too lazy to read back and see). That's what you need friends for! Just because she doesn't have the stamina you do in hiking and other such physical exertions, doesn't mean she might not be the right partner for you. Get you some friends for that kind of high octane workout stuff.

Now, having said that, I agree with LH. I won't go into my personal objection with the whole triple H thing because it is irrelevant, but the beginning of your relationship should be much more about hanging out and getting to know each other than running all in to ILY and all that. I don't want to get all technical, but sex is not a love language, physical touch is (which could include but is not limited to sex). This woman seems kind of all over the place. She needs a nap and doesn't want to do anything like walk or whatever, but she's all in for marathon sex. She borrows money from her dad, but can't cook a meal without getting "sick" and then has to Doordash something to eat. Again, I agree with LH...to me that just sounds like she's unmotivated. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I don't feel like cooking when I get home and I WISH we had Doordash in our area (not a thing in rural areas), but Lord help, I can boil a pot of pasta and throw together a sauce without it affecting my health.

I get that you want more connection for this big weekend birthday fantasy fulfilling trip, but reading your post just makes me wonder, if you really want more connection why are you participating in these little sexual escapades now? You keep saying she takes you upstairs or she takes you to the bedroom as though you aren't a willing participant. You must be getting something out of it or you would be saying no, I would assume.

I say all of that to just say proceed with caution. If you aren't feeling it, be honest with her. If you need more connection, speak up. DO NOT put other plans on hold or skip other things while you wait for her to maybe be available. It is one thing if you make concrete plans with her to not accept or make other plans, but do not avoid making other plans if she gives you a maybe response. Don't spend your time waiting around on someone else.
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#2932807 Apr 21st a 10:07 PM
by Valeska19
Valeska19
May bringers up alot of good points T.


It looks like your anxious attachment might be taking hold. Just a thought to maybe explore why you are feeling these things versus immediately looking to her actions as "the reason" or "blame".

As it was said before - there is a pattern... and you my friend... are the common denominator.
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#2932803 Apr 21st a 09:31 PM
by may22
may22
Hey Traveler,

I have a slightly different take on this whole thing, less about her and whether she's a good fit for you or not and more about YOU... this feels like a similar pattern that you've followed in the past. Swept a woman off her feet and once they're totally hooked you start to get disinterested. The women either start acting weirdly (maybe understandably, since they're totally into you and you're emotionally backing off; or, they feel like your relationship has gotten to a place where they can start to show you their vulnerabilities) or you decide to start sharing those oddities here that you saw earlier but didn't feel like sharing (because you want us to approve, maybe?). The exception is the women who treat you poorly (your exGF and the one who didn't like the way you swam or ate kabobs) -- those ones kept your interest.

I know others here have talked about children of trauma and how you define or feel love and I definitely think that is something you should think about.

I also agree that you do seem to really rush into these relationships and get to ILYs really quickly. It seems to me that taking things more slowly and really getting to know each other as humans and friends would be helpful for you, where love means really caring about the other person instead of the dopamine hit you get from the thrill of the chase/conquest, feeling wanted and cared for, etc. There is so much distance in the way you talk about all of these women-- it comes across a little like a science experiment where you're following a recipe of what to do to win a woman or be a good partner. I don't mean that to be mean at all-- really, just an observation. But it just strikes me that she seems like she's having a bad week (the sore throat could be COVID you know) and you aren't really giving her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe with good reason. Maybe she's not a good fit. But I think it comes down to -- do you really love her? What is love to you? Can you separate out the desire for companionship, how it feels to be wanted or needed, the great feeling of being accepted for who you are, the people pleasing aspects, and limerence-- how she makes you feel about YOURSELF-- from how you actually feel about her as a human being, warts and all? As Chris Rock says, you have to know and love the crust of a person to really love them. Feels like she's starting to show you her crust and it isn't so attractive to you.

Also... I am too lazy to go back and read, but earlier on in this R I thought you categorized her as active and that the 3 hour level was cool with you. It just feels like you're getting tired of her. Which is fine. But it is starting to feel like a pattern, a little.
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#2932808 Apr 21st a 11:03 PM
by kml
kml
Well, FWIW T, it could be hard to differentiate between “Things are getting boring because there’s no drama so I’m backing off” and “As I get to know her better I’m starting to see red flags”.

I’m still hung up on the financial stuff. A grown woman who buys a new car she can’t really afford and doesn’t ask daddy for a loan because she knows he’ll tell her she can’t afford it? Sounds to me like daddy might know she has a history of overspending? And if her credit is good, why would she need a loan from daddy? Interest rates on car loans are usually pretty good.

And again -maybe I’m too suspicious, but sharing that info with you seems like a bit of a fishing expedition to see if you’ll jump in and offer to help.
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#2933183 May 1st a 11:20 PM
by LH19
LH19
The only point I was trying to make was that if you want someone to love you no matter what you probably shouldn’t be hypocritical and dump someone over a weekend that didn’t go as planned. Plus if you are going to do it be an adult about it.
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#2933227 May 2nd a 06:06 PM
by Ginger1
Ginger1
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Traveler
I need to detach from the hurricane that is her life.
I would like to think you would have more empathy for the woman you loved especially when not long ago you were in her shoes but yeah looks like you won't have to be the bad guy.

Onward and upward.

I agree with LH. You are quick to call her a hurricane and write her off when not too long ago you didn’t have a license , a wallet, a legal functioning car, a dangerous rat infested house and days and days of dishes. You didn’t have your sh!t together. So don’t go casting stones so easily. Show some empathy. She may not be a good fit for you and might have some financial issues she is not managing so well, but is her life really a hurricane ? And how long ago were in that very sitch?

You always say how you want a partner to love and accept the good, bad, and ugly, but do you practice what you preach

Maybe time for a little self
Reflection ?
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#2933247 May 2nd a 09:27 PM
by LH19
LH19
Oh I know she’s not innocent here after all broken attracts broken and she didn’t question the speed of it all.

I do have empathy for you CW because I know you had a difficult childhood. If you don’t fix your issues unfortunately people are going to continue to get hurt.
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#2933333 May 3rd a 10:03 PM
by LH19
LH19
K,

So typically when you are dating someone early on healthy people are trying to get know each other to see if they are compatible. Especially when you are dating at middle age that can take awhile because you don’t see each other very often. T jumps the gun early on and he pushes for intimacy early on for because of his anxious attachment. He has to hear her say “iLUs” or hear her call him “my love” because that eases his attachment. So at this point these are just words that make him feel safe. So these words to the average person take on a different meaning. It means commitment, trust, loyalty in essence a very special bond. Not one you break over a misunderstanding about money. Again as I quoted one minute he is in love, never been in a better relation and would fight to the end for her and the next he has a bad weekend and this isn’t the droid I’m looking for. If you can’t see this as a real problem that you may be missing the same chip that he’s missing. This is borderline psychopathic behavior.

If you remember in the fall the girl I was dating was pushing me for more intimacy after about three months. I had seen some red flags and was stilling in the vetting process to see if we were a good fit. We were exclusive no ILUs but I did care for her. Truthfully I liked hanging out with her and the sex was great. When pushed for more I could have told her what she wanted to hear to get what made me feel good. I didn’t because it wasn’t the right thing to do. I could have continued to have sex and at the first sign of conflict broken up with her and told her she wasn’t the droid I was looking for and I bet you guys would have said that was a shitty thing to do. You would have been right because I would have been misleading her. Traveler is doing the same thing but for different reasons.

Again I will say it one more time. What she did on the trip was wrong and a shitty thing to do. In the vetting out process sure you can see that as a dealbreaker. When you love someone you sit down like adults and discuss it figure out why it happened and you make sure it never happens again.

Hope this helps you understand where I believe everyone but you are coming from.
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#2933317 May 3rd a 06:16 PM
by LH19
LH19
Originally Posted by Traveler
Wow--two months in, I feel calm, the sex is amazing, I'm enjoying our non-sexy time, I can be myself, and we haven't had an argument yet. And it's not because she's always acquiescing to me or vice-versa, we both speak up for our needs. No resentment. I can't recall any relationship like this. I would fight for K if anything went wrong.
If this isn't a perfect example of why you need to take it slow people I don't know what is.
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#2933320 May 3rd a 06:59 PM
by LH19
LH19
Originally Posted by Traveler
Dive in and enjoy each day as if it *may* be your last!
I agree. Just have the decency to do it without playing with other peoples emotions.
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#2933327 May 3rd a 08:16 PM
by Valeska19
Valeska19
T - Honestly... I'm getting whiplash.

Are you living each day as your last or are you looking ahead for potential red flags?
Are you going to fight for her if something went wrong or are you going to breakup with her over financial troubles?

Whether you agree with him or not - LH is very much bringing up your own words... which are confusing. Why not look at them or ask yourself the hard questions. Especially if you are serious about looking into your anxious attachment. Are you asking yourself why your emotions are swinging? Are you scared? Being triggered?

I personally found the tone of your emails about her financials.. well judging. Full of frustration and anger... without a ton of empathy? Have you asked yourself why is that your first reaction? Why it was such a strong emotion? You never answered MLC's question about why did you go out to dinner if she couldn't pay for the room. Why not sit and have a financial talk right then and there to help smooth out the weekend?

You can find alot of helpful information here about yourself... once you take the spotlight off of her and put it on you. smile
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#2933389 May 5th a 12:12 AM
by LH19
LH19
Oh and to Don’s point I totally agree. Her friend asks what happened? She says “I don’t know he told me he loved me and never felt this way about anyone before and then dumped me”. Then we wonder why woman don’t trust men.
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#2933388 May 5th a 12:07 AM
by LH19
LH19
Originally Posted by DonH
Originally Posted by kml
I'm so surprised at how many people here are objecting to a breakup after only 3 months of dating, and are supporting the woman even though it's pretty clear to me that she is irresponsible and entitled. I wonder if people are transferring their own financial issues onto this situation (most if which are not, I presume, due to reckless spending and a habit of relying on Daddy and people they're dating). Or if everybody just has PTSD from past rejections.

I don’t want to speak for “many people here” but I don’t think they are objecting to breaking up with her. Heck some had reservations with her before all of this. The objections are to saying ILY, telling us and himself he’d fight for her and then not following his own words, leading her to believe she could rely on him and then dumping her. THIS is EXACTLY how people get PTSD from past rejections - when they are told and lead to believe one thing and then are dumped when they didn’t see it coming. It’s even worse when it’s not a one time happening and is instead a pattern.

Originally Posted by kml
NOOOOO!!!!!!!! Just because he (ill-advisedly) said ILU too soon in the relationship because of her pressure, does NOT mean he has to DB a dating relationship that isn't working for him.

See LH, it’s HER fault that Traveler said ILU. She forced and pressured him to say it. It’s her fault how he’s acting and what he’s saying. Why can’t you understand that? SMH
Lol Don and Pinn. I’ve given up. It may be possible KML is his mom.
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#2933386 May 4th a 11:52 PM
by DonH
DonH
Originally Posted by kml
I'm so surprised at how many people here are objecting to a breakup after only 3 months of dating, and are supporting the woman even though it's pretty clear to me that she is irresponsible and entitled. I wonder if people are transferring their own financial issues onto this situation (most if which are not, I presume, due to reckless spending and a habit of relying on Daddy and people they're dating). Or if everybody just has PTSD from past rejections.

I don’t want to speak for “many people here” but I don’t think they are objecting to breaking up with her. Heck some had reservations with her before all of this. The objections are to saying ILY, telling us and himself he’d fight for her and then not following his own words, leading her to believe she could rely on him and then dumping her. THIS is EXACTLY how people get PTSD from past rejections - when they are told and lead to believe one thing and then are dumped when they didn’t see it coming. It’s even worse when it’s not a one time happening and is instead a pattern.

Originally Posted by kml
NOOOOO!!!!!!!! Just because he (ill-advisedly) said ILU too soon in the relationship because of her pressure, does NOT mean he has to DB a dating relationship that isn't working for him.

See LH, it’s HER fault that Traveler said ILU. She forced and pressured him to say it. It’s her fault how he’s acting and what he’s saying. Why can’t you understand that? SMH
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#2933387 May 4th a 11:56 PM
by pinn
pinn
Originally Posted by kml
I'm so surprised at how many people here are objecting to a breakup after only 3 months of dating, and are supporting the woman even though it's pretty clear to me that she is irresponsible and entitled.

Dang KML.... we must be reading 2 completely different threads....
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#2933438 May 6th a 01:01 PM
by LH19
LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
and a final thought: why do I keep coming back to the feeling that this is never about what's going on in T's life so much as it's about T loving the attention his posts/threads garner, whether good, bad or indifferent????
Truthfully I don't think he does it for attention I think he likes to journal his life to other people. I just think he has a some sort of syndrome or personality disorder where he can't recognize and understand social cues like we do. Or he has us all fooled and just lacks empathy and is selfish.
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#2933437 May 6th a 12:55 PM
by Traveler
Traveler
Originally Posted by bttrfly
and a final thought: why do I keep coming back to the feeling that this is never about what's going on in T's life so much as it's about T loving the attention his posts/threads garner, whether good, bad or indifferent????
Ask yourself if you’re being your best self in visiting to make and share those feelings. I don’t need your negative energy. Butterfly, please stop posting in my journal.
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