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Core, markw, SteveLW
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by Core
I'd like to lend aid to newcomers and lurkers. I was not ready just a little while ago, however I think generalized advice will help while vets better handle the situational advice.

Mods, I have two concurrent threads, the other in a different category. If this is a no go, I'll delete the other which serves for venting and support but really its boring and I'm talking to myself there.

My bias: I am divorced, not interested in remarrying. I believe marriage is something great and divorce was a last resort for me. I don't intend to push others towards D as that is not my intention nor what the forum is for. I hold biblical values but like all, dont always exemplify them.

My goal: There is a crabs in a bucket theory. If you put a bunch of crabs in a bucket, if they worked together, they could climb out. Instead, any time a crab is close to getting out, the crabs at the bottom pull them back in. I don't intend to pull others down. My intention with posts in this thread is to pull others up away from bottom. There are many in the world trying to hold you down, so you suffer with them. They want you on their level. Instead, rise up. Lead. Persevere.

Resources: Plenty of threads with these. Read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting. Michele's books in general. Counseling from a good counselor. Exercise, especially heavy lifting, martial arts, boxing for men. Spiritual - find a good church, meditate. Emotional - come to the board. For men, Alexander Grace on YT gives good advice on female nature and mens self improvement. Eat healthier. Connect with friends and family. Learn about abuse and manipulation.

Lurker advice - signing up is really easy and the forums are pretty light here. The likelyhood of being caught posting is slim.

There is hope in fixing your sitch, but the best hope is for you, to fix you and come out of this better. You control yourself and yourself alone. Put your time, control and efforts in to yourself, so that you can navigate your tumultuous journey better. On a plane going down, one must put on their own oxygen masks before they should help others. Even over their own children. Similarly, get yourself in order to better guide yourself, your children or others through troubled and peaceful times.
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by Cadet
Originally Posted by Core
Mods, I have two concurrent threads, the other in a different category.
In this case for generalized advise - I have no problem having more than one thread.

Lets see where this goes.
1 member likes this
by Core

Much of life is about feelings. Even the most logical of us. Not just with women but with men as well. While dealing with yourself and your WW or WAW spouse, it may help to look at things through a lens of feeling. Even common interactions with friends or strangers, are centered around how one feels when you look at the root.

Friend calls to see what you're up to, aka calling to see how you're feeling.

Coworker finds you in the breakroom and tells you they fixed a broken vehicle. They are likely relaying how good they feel about fixing it.

Parent calls to tell you they are retiring. Maybe they are calling to share how they feel about retiring.

We do this too. Why do you like your favorite hobbies. When you cut down to it, its how it makes you feel. Why you eat what you do, healthy or not, is about how it makes you feel. You are here because of how you feel. You were sent here because of how your WW or WAW feels. Your spouse is on emotional overdrive and as we can see, much of life is about emotion and feelings. Its what makes us....feel alive. Makes us human. Feelings can't be fixed, just worked through. Work on your own in the difficult times. You cannot fix theirs. If they are coming to you to reconcile then of course you can listen, relate, validate, empathize and understand.

Many problems in this world are about how people are feeling and if they are feeling unheard or invalidated. This seems like common sense but sometimes we will forget what others are feeling when we are going through our own troubles. Sometimes if you add the phrase, "I feel like" to what an especially emotional person is saying, then you quickly know what they are dealing with and you can connect with them.

Thats crazy.....I feel like thats crazy.
School is dumb.....I feel like school is dumb.

These moments however small connect us. Your WAW or WW may be severing these connections with you and invalidating or rejecting yours. That is why it is often best to find connection in friends and family, or a good IC. Even the toughest of us, less psychos and socios, need some connection.
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