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AnnKay, DejaVu6, SteveLW, Traveler
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Original Post (Thread Starter)
by AnnKay
AnnKay
I am not sure if this is the right forum for this but here we go. Apologies beforehand that this is going to be long. I have been following and reading different posts here and found lots of the discussion very helpful. I guess I was a little intimidated that I am not quite the expert in dealing with these things.
A little background, H left me twice, first time in had a 2 month-long warning in July. He said he wanted to end things because he had been having a full blown A for about two years. I was blindsided. Things were normal between us. We have been trying for baby number 2 so I doubt he was sex deprived. Few months before this though, he felt a bit more distant and I brought it up. He just said he is tired, busy and stressed with work, and I know his work was getting a bit much, so I let it go then. We tried to work it out (mostly me). But BD mid-September.

After BD I went straight to full swing counselling, lawyer consultation, and DB coaching. Practiced all the detachment and stayed friendly as I need him to share the care of our 3 year old son. In October, I found out I was pregnant. I told him about it. He was cold and distant at first, and then suddenly, 19 October he came back. I asked him what this meant, and he said, well this will be permanent, he will never do this again and will want to be a family for real this time. He said the baby was a wake up call for him and he realised he wanted to comfort me, make me feel loved and he should be taking care of me. We spent the rest of the year and Christmas together and it did feel genuinely like we were starting (almost) fresh. I had a list of things he needed to do before he came back, including getting new wedding rings, getting counselling and getting psychologist for him. He struggled with depression and had often decided to leave me when he is depressed in the past. He has not been depressed since we moved to Australia where we live now, but God knows what is happening. He also assured me he was no longer talking to OW, although was still unwilling to show his phone.

In January, I posted a pregnancy announcement on Instagram. Around midnight he just suddenly said he had to go to the OW’s place because she is threatening suicide when she found out I was pregnant through instagram. We were not friends. She pretended to be someone else through a spoof account. He was shaking and really insisted he had to go. He assured me everything was going to be ok and he loves me. H was only gone less than an hour but I felt something was off. He admitted that he was lying about not contacting her.

All through the week, H was acting funny. I confronted him when he appeared to be texting and he just bursted to confession/guilt tripping me. He said everything from blaming me for being pregnant, that all this mess would not have happened if I just would let him go to begin with (like yeah, the obvious fault of the H cheating on his wife never occured to him). H just turned completely vile, accusing me of not letting him be with who he wanted to be with, and the most stupid remark was “everybody else has got a divorce, why can’t I?” followed by “when I was growing up, I wished my Dad just had a divorce instead of dead.” His Dad died of sudden heart attack nearby where he lived. I bet he would not be happy hearing that.

I let him have whatever word he wanted by then because I know he is talking out of his a**. He left on 9 Jan and went straight to living with OW. I was 4 months pregnant then. We remained friendly until again, a week after OW found new Instagram posts I posted that happened to have H and his son. She effectively banned him from coming and seeing her son. I was so angry at H for letting himself get dictated by OW and just said not to see us or contact us because I am disappointed of how much he is letting himself get influenced to treat his son. We did not see each other although he texted lots, all mostly ignored by me. I felt happy and at peace then, but I was so tired having to be pregnant and dealing with a toddler and a full time job. I do not have much support here in Australia as we moved here from England and it is very full on. At the time family and friends were mostly caught in the covid travel restrictions and could not come to be with me. I was so anxious I could not even eat, and being pregnant it took a toll. I ended up having fainting episodes and having to told to rest by doctor, so I had no choice but to get in touch with H again for son’s care.
He did come and help do daycare pick ups and drop offs and getting groceries but I was so disgusted to see him I ended up taking refuge at one of my friends house for few days while he stayed in the house to take care of my son.

After I came back he started to text bomb me, flirting and saying how much he misses me every five minutes. For a week or so I must have received around 100 texts a day from him, even on the times and days that he was supposed to be with OW.
I confronted him and asked him what does he want. He said he wished he could be with me and happy but it was not that simple (and it was simpler to leave his pregnant wife and toddler?). He stoped texting as often after this conversation.

I know I should have practised more DB the time when he came back and more of detachment now, but sometimes I feel that different approach could help? I just sometimes feel lost and there is not a lot of GAL in I can do 6 months pregnant.

I do worry whether he will want to be back for the birth as we are away from family here in Australia. also not sure if he has MLC at the moment, as he just does not feel like the person I chose to marry all these times.

Any input or advice here will be very welcome!

H 46
W (me) 39
Together 12 years
Married 8 Years
Son 3
6 months pregnant with D
BD early July 2021
finally left 15/09/2021
came back 19/10/2021
left 2nd time 9/01/2022
Liked Replies
by Kind18
Kind18
AnnKay, I can’t stress enough that you need to protect yourself immediately.

My WW took $30k on the “advice” of her lawyer out of our savings the day she left. On our enquiry, her lawyer said it was to cover her in case I didn’t meet my child support obligations. Within two days of separation I instigated a child support assessment and started paying it. Since I was immediately meeting my child support obligations, we wrote demanding the stolen money taken for that purpose be returned.

Her lawyer never replied to that letter and the money disappeared. It was gone in a matter of months, into his own pocket. He told her to take the money for “child support”, but he really took it so that he could quickly siphon it away writing BS letters, being adversarial and knowing he’d get paid for it.

Until you file for financial separation your husband can take and spend as much as he wants with no obligation for it to be accounted for. It’s only once you file for financial separation that a line is drawn in the sand (it’s called “discovery” in Australia) and from that point on he is accountable for cash and assets.

I can’t stress this enough - get yourself a lawyer and protect your finances.
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by Kind18
Kind18
Quote
I swear I am married to a moron. Even with his covid diagnosis and illness, he still manages to be unreasonable.

Most of the LBS here were also married to morons. We feel your pain. It must make you feel so exasperated. The problem here is that you have unreasonable expectations of his behaviour. For example - ABC is the situation, a normal person would do DEF, but he’s doing XYZ, what the hell is wrong with him?

The problem with this thinking is it keeps bringing you down. These walkaway spouses are in absolute turmoil. If you expect crappy, non-sensical and inflammatory behaviour at each turn, you’ll find it much easier to deal with. It is going to continue for some time, and the quickest path past it is to drastically change your expectations.

Quote
I only texted him back reitirating my last text about the Obgyn. I do not know what else I should say to him.

There’s nothing else to say. You have made your feelings and boundary clear, and that’s all you have to do. Why change your position just because he can’t put his big boy pants on and just deal with it?

Forget about it and move on.
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by DejaVu6
DejaVu6
Hi Ann. So sorry this is happening when you are in such a vulnerable position.

How do you act? Honestly, there is no good answer to that question because an answer would imply that how you act is going to be the thing that decides the outcome of your marriage. From what I have observed over the past four years of being in this community of people is that there is nothing you can really do to change what your H is doing. So my advice would be to try to act in a way that a year from now, regardless of the state of your marriage, you will be able to look back on how things went and be proud of how you conducted yourself.

When people talk about taking the focus off of your H, they mean to not make decisions for your wellbeing based on his behaviour or do things to try to manipulate him into coming back. That would most likely backfire on you. The reality is that, right now, he is gone and you can’t count on him for anything. Your H may be there for you when you need him, but he may not be so you shouldn’t plan for that. Do you have any friends or family members who can be there for the birth of your child and provide you with some support afterwards so you are not on your own?

Is your marriage really over? It is for now. No one knows the future. Your H is clearly conflicted though, so he will continue to give you mixed messages. Do not allow those messages to change the things you need to do for yourself. There is a saying on here that really applies to your situation… If your H is truly serious about wanting to come back, you will know it. If he isn’t serious about it, you will be confused. Another one that applies… believe nothing of what he says and only half of what he does. If you keep those two things in mind, you will be okay.

Keep posting. It does help over the long term to have people to talk to who have been in your shoes. Again…really sorry this is happening to you at such a stressful time. (((HUGS)))
1 member likes this
by BL42
BL42
AnnKay,
Originally Posted by AnnKay
How did you remain positive in caring for your children while grieving for your own marriage?
It was very difficult for awhile. I went through a period of depression. Fortunately I have family in town who helped a great deal. Also getting out with friends and doing activities helped me get a lot more positive. I'm sure it's difficult being 6 months pregnant in a new country but maybe there's a pregnant/new moms group you could join for support and to make friends?

Originally Posted by AnnKay
And yes, he had been depressed and left me in the past, but this is all before we were married. So far, he had a good 8 years without showing symptoms of being depressed.
This was a missed red flag. You thought it was done or once you got married you'd be together for good, but these things often resurface and leaving you in the past was a sign of what might come in the future. Learn from it.

Originally Posted by AnnKay
H was always fussy about me and his phone, accusing me for not trusting him. I know now!
The WS often redirects the blame and projects their trust issues on their spouse.

Originally Posted by AnnKay
How was it possible for your wife to hide her affair despite you always having access to her phone?
Well she didn't hide it very well. I suspected almost immediately something was up and verified it very quickly. But she kept on doing it and we had a 4yo and 1yo at home so I was afraid at losing my family.

Originally Posted by AnnKay
It can sometimes feel to me now that H is finally truly happy and having the time of his life with the person he wants to be with, and I am at a dark corner struggling to survive.
He might be very happy...for now. Or he might be incredibly confused. If he struggles with depression and is having an affair on his pregnant wife chances are he's not going to run off into the sunset. It can seem like they're happy on the surface but really they're torn up on the inside.

Originally Posted by AnnKay
I am still thinking about this. I have spoken to a lawyer and was advised at the moment there will not be any complications. I am quite happy here, however, aside from not enough support system. My job is paying quite well and I do not think I will get something similar in the UK. I cannot bear the thought of restarting, at least for the time being. I also do not like the thought of moving my son to a place that is 'foreign' to him. He goes to day care and has a lot of friends from there, so I will hate him to miss out on that. I will probably go back for a period of time, maybe few months after the baby is born, but not sure if I will stay there longer.
Your son is very young and will adjust. I'm not saying you should move. I'm just saying you may have a window of opportunity to do so now whereas that could close in the future, so definitely weigh the pros and cons.

Originally Posted by AnnKay
1. I am supposed to have a Gestational Diabetes test that will normally take at least 2 hours this week or the next.
Ask a friend.

Originally Posted by AnnKay
We are coming into Labour Day long weekend, and I had loosely planned to do a girl’s staycation with some of my friends. My H has agreed to watch my son 2 days out of the 3 day weekend. I am now a bit unsure if this is too much, although he seemed to be happy to do it. I just fear that I am missing something here, otherwise, why would he suddenly be so agreeable?
Don't over think it. It's your son's father he can care for him for two days. Take the break you need and enjoy time with friends.
1 member likes this
by SteveLW
SteveLW
Originally Posted by AnnKay
Originally Posted by SteveLW
We've had LBSs here that hang on every word their WAS says, even though the WAS's actions are diametrically opposed to what they are saying. Trying to find an emotional evenness should be your goal, in fact that is detachment. Not reacting emotionally to his words or deeds.

Your reply made me think about starting a different journal, specifically dedicated in noting words vs actions that my H does. I found journalling to be helpful, so this may give me some ways to see things in a more factual way.

Yes we all struggled with wanting to hear and see what we wanted to. This sounds like a good idea.
1 member likes this
by BL42
BL42
AnnKay,

You're dealing with a lot. Your pregnancy, Gestational Diabetes, your H's affair, your dad's potential cancer. That must be incredibly difficult. Try to take some time to step back and breath. You will get through this.

It's great you're making an effort to get together with friends. Their support and the relief of dwelling on everything else will help you quite a bit.

I also agree you don't owe H an explanation of where you'll be or what you'll be doing. He's given up that right due to his actions.
1 member likes this
by LH19
LH19
AK,

So right now you are in a lot of pain. Your brain is trying protect you so it will look for any sign that he is having doubts because that gives you temporary relief. So you can go down this rabbit hole if you like or you can focus on your yourself, pregnancy, son and friends.
1 member likes this
by BL42
BL42
AnnKay,
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I am also hoping if there is anyone with similar experience with WAS taking money our of joint accounts/savings that they could share some advice on whether there is anything I need to be wary about or particularly consider in this situation.
You should absolutely take action to protect yourself financially.

I'm not familiar with the divorce laws in your country - you should engage with an attorney - but generally you can start splitting off your finances directing any income to an individual account H does not have access to. Also start collecting financial statements (bank, credit cards...etc.) so you have records of the transitions. If H has withdrawn a large amount out of your account and used it on his affair sometimes in a divorce he'll be responsible for paying that back to you.

Again, consult a lawyer about your rights and absolutely take action to protect yourself - think of it as a business deal/negotiation.
1 member likes this
by Valeska19
Valeska19
My exw took out $500 from our account without telling me. When I chatted with her -she had a valid reason however it did break the agreement that we would discuss withdrawls before performing them. What it did show me was that she no longer at a place to have those kind of conversations with me about it. She was at a place where my "well being" was no longer her concern.

Everyone is right about consulting a lawyer. And as hard as it is - you gotta pull your head out of the sand and look at what your H is showing you. I know how painful it is but figuring how you can be in the drivers seat of this versus reacting to his choices is the way to go here. Both roads are painful but the first can at least protect you and your baby.
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by DejaVu6
DejaVu6
Ohmigosh AnnKay. That’s a dilemma, to say the least. Have you spoken with your doctor or OBGYN about this? That would be my first call if I were you. You need to assess the medical risks to yourself and to your unborn baby first and foremost. Your son is three and kids his age tend to have mild cases so in that respect, he’s probably okay. However, whether or not your H will be able to take care of him really depends on how sick he gets. Another option would be to go get your son, with your doctor’s okay, and self isolate with him at your place without your H. I wouldn’t go and look after H…he can rely on OW for that, IMO.
1 member likes this
by Ready2Change
Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Kind18
The problem here is that you have unreasonable expectations of his behaviour. For example - ABC is the situation, a normal person would do DEF, but he’s doing XYZ, what the hell is wrong with him?

The problem with this thinking is it keeps bringing you down. These walkaway spouses are in absolute turmoil. If you expect crappy, non-sensical and inflammatory behaviour at each turn, you’ll find it much easier to deal with. It is going to continue for some time, and the quickest path past it is to drastically change your expectations.
The is absolute gold.
1 member likes this
by Kind18
Kind18
Quote
I am going to text him

In my most humble of opinions, I wouldn’t recommend you message him back.

1. His OW pressuring him - not your problem to fix. Why should you bend over and make things easier for the woman breaking into your family? He can put his big boy pants on and deal with her himself.

2. Do you think it will help if you re-state your position? ie How likely is it you’ll send a message explaining again what your ObGYN said and then your husband will say “oh yeah, I understand your point now - that makes sense!” …. I’ll tell you, it ain’t going to happen. Nothing you say will change his mind. So why bother?

If you are absolutely determined to reply which I wouldn’t, then “I feel I’ve made my position quite clear.”
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by Traveler
Traveler
Originally Posted by Kind18
I am going to text..
Yes, don't text him again. Or at least wait 24 hours. You already stated your terms and boundaries STOP ENGAGING there is nothing to gain from continuing a negative interaction.
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