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AndrewP, bttrfly, Core, DejaVu6, devvo, job, Taz, Traveler
Total Likes: 23
Original Post (Thread Starter)
by AndrewP
AndrewP
Answer - Rare laugh eek cry smirk

Prior thread - Plans can break down. You cannot plan the future.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2929700&page=1
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by AndrewP
AndrewP
When I was "in town" today I stopped off at the grocery store where "S"'s middle son works - the one that ended up living here for a short while after his Mom and younger brother left. I don't normally shop there as they have a more limited stock and higher prices than where I usually go.

He said that he's doing great. He made a point of mentioning that he is now eating healthy all the time, has started in doing boxing and other martial arts. I did remark on how he's bulked up noticeably.

A long way from the anxiety ridden kid who only ate pre-packaged food or take-out food, only drank canned iced tea and who was on multiple medications for anxiety, depression, ADD and whatnot. I remember his mother getting upset that I'd asked him to pick up garbage tags as she believed it would take multiple therapy sessions for him to work up the courage to do that (he popped out one day and it was no big deal).

I'd like to think that I had at least a small part to play in this as especially when it was the two of us, I taught him to cook some basic things and emphasized the importance of fresh basic ingredients and showed him how to do laundry and other basic household things.

He seems very proud of his accomplishments and for good reason.

Made me feel good. I didn't ask after his family and didn't go into many details on where my life is at beyond that I'd adopted a cat.

So sometimes good things "can" come from bad.

I have no clue on what's going on with the rest of the clan - I frankly haven't paid any attention.

Still can't find spray starch anywhere which reason I went into his shop.

As an aside, all of the masking mandates etc have now been lifted in my area but it was nice to see that probably 80% or more of the people in the shops etc were still being cautious and masking up.
3 members like this
by Dawn70
Dawn70
All I want to know about this ignore button is how the h3ll I get one in real life.
2 members like this
by kml
kml
Dude - when you feel "off" and have nausea and a pounding heart you ought to be seeing a doctor! At the very least you should have a new generation Apple watch or a Kardia mobile device so you can check your heart rhythm when that happens. Nausea can be a presenting symptom of a heart attack. Call your cardiologist.
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by kml
kml
Amen Dawn!
1 member likes this
by DonH
DonH
I fully understand what Dawns talking about. I lived the same including the lies. Yet I also have to remember this is the woman I chose. That’s on me. No one forced me to marry her (though she did push and push and push) but I did that. I failed to see who she really was. I should have chose better. It’s easier to blame the other person and lord knows there’s plenty of blame to fall on them but lest we forget we chose them, we overlooked or explained away the faults we knew were there. When making the most important choice of our lives it’s important to choose wisely. Easier to do in hindsight and additional years of wisdom.
1 member likes this
by Dawn70
Dawn70
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Dawn70
I couldn't care less if he lived to be 100 or dropped dead next week because he's just a non-issue in my life anymore.
Holy smokes Dawn. Dropped dead tomorrow.

Well I said next week, actually……

But my point was, I care about him as far as the girls are concerned because he’s their dad and I love them so I would feel bad for them if something happened to him because it would be hard for them. For me, personally, though, our lives have gone on separately from each other as though we never existed in each other’s worlds so his disappearance from mine wouldn’t affect me beyond “oh how sad” and feeling bad for the girls and his family. I know it sounds harsh but that’s how I deal with people who play with my emotions. I cut them out completely. Not terribly healthy, probably, but it is what it is. I do think it is easier for me to be that way since we never had children together. I love the girls as though they were mine but I didn’t have a hand in creating them with him so I probably feel differently toward him than people who are divorced from the person they had babies with, if that makes any sense at all.

As far as I’m concerned, he fired me from giving a d@mn about him as a man when he screwed someone else while we were married, lied to my face repeatedly about it, then proclaimed her to be the love of his life 2 weeks after our divorce was final and then had the audacity to lie to me again and say she was just a friend who was going to be his roommate so he could get a “fresh start”. Mmmmmhmmmmmm…..and I’ve got some ocean front property in Arizona I’d love to sell ya.
1 member likes this
by DejaVu6
DejaVu6
I know I’m late to the party on this one but thought I would chime in. I think there is a difference between being friends with your ex and being friendly. I am friends with my first XH. He and I parted very respectfully and amicably. I can trust him and I know that he would have my back if I needed him and vice versa.

I am friendly with XH2 but we are not friends. I trust him to a certain extent as my kids’ dad but I don’t trust him enough for us to be friends. Maybe that could change in the future but I doubt it. He lied to me for too long and put me and our children through too much for me to just forget about it and believe in him the way I used to. He was extremely calculating and took advantage of my love and trust for way too long. As much as he wants people to believe he has changed, I don’t buy it. The only thing he did was divorce me and marry someone else. That’s not what change looks like.

And I concur with what Don and Bttfly said. I knew he had a history of deceit in relationships and I ignored it foolishly thinking that it was his age and the circumstances and not about the giant character flaw that it is. That’s on me for sure. Like they say… “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I will definitely pay attention to that in the future.
1 member likes this
by kml
kml
Quote
Originally Posted by Andrew
Nerd seeking Nerdette and that I'm a pretty content guy who likes craft shows, flea markets and pie.
I like this. Unique and it screams Andrew! Bonus points for pie porn as one of your photos.

Lol, definitely post a picture of one of your lovely pies - and make sure to take credit for baking it! Some Nerdette will find that attractive for sure!
1 member likes this
by bttrfly
bttrfly
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Well - actually I'm just under 6' in my stocking feet so slightly over when I wear shoes, have very thick hair and yes, make nicely into 6 figures in a low cost rural area which probably increases the impact of that by a considerable factor.
How about the chiseled physique?
Originally Posted by AndrewP
You like numbers even though you tend to repeat them mindlessly and make them up.

Oh my numbers are real buddy boy.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Men age more quickly than women and someone in their 30s looking to latch on to me wouldn't be doing it with a long term view.
I didn't say you could date a woman in her 30s.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I have no urge to become a sugar-daddy.

You mean again.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
And someone even 10 years younger likely has teenagers and someone 20 years younger could well be looking to have more kids which isn't something I have any interest in taking on.
I don't think anyone is looking for you to be a baby daddy.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I've had my kids - no interest in more.

Understood.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
A person my age or up is more likely to have their sh!t together and not need any rescuing.
I have yet to date a woman who didn't have her [censored] together or needed rescuing at any age. That is the type of woman you are attracted to.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
And post-menopausal women can be quite passionate and surprisingly athletic.
Spit my coffee!
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Back to ignore mode.
You can't shake me Andy P. I was in your neck of the woods last weekend.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I would think that there are a lot of the right kind of women who would find that appealing.
Well if you define 2% of the dating pool a lot.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
B was a lovely person in many ways but a bit lost with a guy who wasn't in to hunting, fishing and drinking beer at the cottage.

So B likes to have fun? That biotch lol.
Posts like this one are exactly why I've pretty much stopped coming to this forum. Way to take a dying board a few notches further to the grave LH... So much kindness and consideration in this post, so much positive support.
1 member likes this
by kml
kml
Make her take it all! No more of Andrew's free storage facility!!
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by kml
kml
I think it’s necessary to distinguish between infatuation and love. Are we likely, knowing what we know now, to experience the thrill of infatuation the way we did in our twenties? I’d say no - and we shouldn’t. We should be smarter than to fall for that, because that’s not what true love is about. True love is about building that intimate relationship and caring for each other over time.
1 member likes this
by bttrfly
bttrfly
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Originally Posted by kml
As for dating - maybe before you jump back into the pool, you should draft up a set of rules or guidelines for yourself
I think before the "who" question can be addressed, the "why" needs to be first. Then perhaps the "how" before I would get to the "who". Still chewing on all of this.
Why date:
1. companionship
2. eventual partnership (which is important to you, I think)
3. living together apart?

How to date:
I started a list of how to meet people but then deleted it. I think the correct answer is:
* to date slowly - no codependent BS
* to hold firm boundaries on what is comfortable
* to not allow yourself to be pushed beyond your comfort zone in terms of accelerated false intimacy
* to limit the time you spend together on the front end so that you're not enmeshed
* to maintain your own outside interests in addition to common interests
* to go out with someone YOUR interested in who also happens to be interested in you too (not the other way around, "she likes me so I'll give it a shot")

some thoughts, anyway.
1 member likes this
by bttrfly
bttrfly
You're not YOUR. sorry.
TY for the kind words SuperG ...
I will add something, and this is just my thing, but I'm putting it out here in case it resonates with others:

I'm working hard to identify all the roadblocks I put between myself and a possible romantic relationship. There are quite a few more than I initially thought. The benefit of all this circumspection is that one of the realizations I've come to is that I am really uncomfortable with people pleasers. Like, that's a deal breaker for me. How can I trust you if you're always trying to tell me what you think I want to hear? Or you're not telling me if you're upset about something, because you don't want to risk a difficult conversation? Gotta tell ya, that makes me not trust the people pleaser, and I'll go one step further: I don't feel safe with people pleasers. It's not safe, because it's not being authentic, and if they're not being authentic how can I ever feel safe, trust that there isn't something that's going to blindside me down the road? Been blindsided once, not open for it a second time, gotta say.
1 member likes this
by kml
kml
Maybe that was the purpose for that whole messy chapter in your life - you gave that boy a few basic tools and modeled a different way of living for him. Good job!
1 member likes this
by AndrewP
AndrewP
A bit worried (again / still) about my son. He canceled brunch yesterday "not feeling up to it". Poor kid. I expect that he's still not found a new job and is struggling with depression and anxiety about it all which provides a negative feedback loop making it harder to get out there I'm sure.

He knows that I'm here and that I can cover rent if he needs it. It's tempting to just send him some money but I think that would probably upset him.

His sister does know that he's off work as of the middle of the month since he told her when they chatted at my birthday. No clue if that's been passed on to their mother or not. I suspect she doesn't talk to her mother often.

It does make parenting tougher when you are running blind with what the other may be doing. I suspect nothing.

Wish I had someone to talk to about this. I of course don't know what if anything his mother knows or is doing. If past experience is any guide her response for things like this when we were married is to get angry and then demand that I make ultimatums. And then get angry with me when I would refuse but also not do anything herself.

One of the things that makes it tough to work with my son is that he and his mother are very alike personality-wise. It's not as triggering as it was years ago but I do still remember that treading carefully around difficult issues is necessary to prevent explosions.

There's a couple of job fairs this week that I've sent the info to him about. Hopefully he goes out to those.

It's tough to want to help someone but also to know that the best thing to do is nothing active. Kind of parallels the whole divorce stuff in some ways as I was always the one who fixed things / made it all better in the marriage. It was tough to let her soak in her own juices and as far as I know it all turned out ok for her without my input. I certainly can't "make" him do anything. He's a grown man who wants to do it on his own. Frustrating for a fix-it type like me.

---

I was running out of bath bombs on the weekend so popped in to P's shop to pick up some more. I'm continuing to get an "I'm interested" vibe out of her. She wanted me to send her some pictures of my rubber duck and the bath-bombs in use for her daughter so I posted some on my social media and tagged both businesses. From what she's said it seems that she's talked about me to her daughter a fair amount. She also made a point of talking about how financially stable she is and how she likes to live frugally like I do.

Leads me into another odd encounter. A social media friend who has been doing some "influencer" type stuff messaged me about my ablutory adventures. We chatted for a bit and she sent me a picture of her own tub with her in it (PG rated - legs and feet only) and suggested I check out her OnlyFans account. I think she's been struggling to keep up a revenue stream - she started all of this in the early days of the internet and the fact she could make a bit of cash was a bonus for her. But after all these years she's running out of new things to try. I sympathized that social media is a beast that can be tough to feed.

Nice to know that my fondness for a nice soak in the tub does seem attractive to some though.

---

We had a lengthy power outage yesterday just as I was doing up the Sunday Supper dishes. Finished them by candle-light and then went to bed. The UPS kept my CPAP going for the couple of hours until the power came back on. It was weird going to bed and having that one light and the machine working while the rest of the house and village was dark. Glad I made that investment.

It took some effort to put in the effort last night - just not been feeling it lately. I made a loaf of bread using the recipe a friend gave me that uses quick rising yeast. I did a 1/2 recipe and it worked great. Steak, potatoes, steamed veg and a slice of pie for desert (store bought).

Working from home is getting tiresome and isolating feeling. I may take myself out to the pub for dinner sometime this week to get some human contact. I still have probably at least another month of this to grind through though and need to find the focus needed.
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by kml
kml
I'm thankful I haven't had a dream about my ex in a long time. I used to wake up with a stomach ache from those dreams.
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by AndrewP
AndrewP
Great things are afoot! I was able to finally find spray-starch at a local grocery store. I ran out a few months ago and was unable to find any locally. I tried making my own but ended up with very inconsistent results - some spotting on some of my darker shirts that then had to be re-washed.

I've stocked up and probably have enough to last me through to the fall. Certainly won't let myself run out next time. I think that the brand that I had previously used has been discontinued which is why none of the stores were stocking it.

In other good news I had brunch with my son today and he's got a new job! Still driving forklift but at an auto plant now so a union position with good benefits. He starts tomorrow. He said that he was down to about $100 with all his bills paid up so the timing is good. In the current job market there's lots of jobs but I'm glad he's landed one now as I personally expect some sort of economic down-turn in the next number of months.

We talked about Easter Sunday and I expect that he'll be here as usual. Ham and scalloped potatoes are on the menu instead of duck. I'll probably make a rhubarb / black currant pie and use up the last of last year's crop. The rhubarb is already poking it's noses out of the ground in the garden.

He said that his cat is doing much better now as well. I took mine to the vet on Friday afternoon and he did well on his checkup. Even though he doesn't care for strangers it turns out that he's a sucker for a stranger with a tasty treat. His health is good - no change to his heart murmur but he's gotten a bit chunky so I need to start reducing the amount I'm feeding him. The vet gave me a guideline.

I did see my xW and OM out walking their dogs today as I was driving home. Didn't get a good look at them but I presume they're doing well. It does appear that my xW has a new dog - she lost the one she had when she left a while ago from what I understand. It was really a non-event to see them. I'm glad I don't run across them regularly - I think this is the first time I've seen them together in about 5 years. I've occasionally seen her in her car and once or twice him out with his dog but it's pretty rare even though they live on a busy street that I use regularly.

Pork cottage roll for dinner tonight perhaps with mashed potatoes and certainly fresh bread. I should be doing some extra cleaning this weekend as it's the first weekend of the month but I was late doing it last month so might wait until there's some weather where I can open all the doors and windows which won't be long. There's some sort of smell in my side porch that will need it to be emptied and a good scrub given.
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by kml
kml
Yay - that’s great that your son got a new job!
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by DnJ
DnJ
So glad son found new, and better, employment.

Proposed Easter supper sounds delicious. Heck, all your meals sound delicious. Lol.
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