Thread Like Summary
AndrewP, bttrfly, DejaVu6, Eagle3, job
Total Likes: 17
Original Post (Thread Starter)
by bttrfly
read this and thought of the kind souls who were here when I needed you the most. Thank you is so inadequate, but it's all I have, so Thank You.

It is not that the path
has disappeared. It is only
that, stunned with grief
and kicked by fear,
we sometimes lose our will
to put one foot
in front of the other.
But we are not lost.
Already in the dark
we have found each other.
What astonishes is
that there are so many of us,
and already with our voices
we are building bridges
made of light.
The world shakes,
we stumble
and we help each other rise,
and now it is time
for us again to put one foot
in front of the other—
not to escape what frightens us
but to walk unflinchingly
toward the messy center of things.
The path we choose now
is not one we’ve walked
or even seen before,
the path is one that appears
beneath our feet
with each step,
and we persist,
travelers in the frozen dark
who begin to see the light
as it shapes the horizon
and know, though it’s cold,
that the change we dream of
has already begun to arrive.
~ Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer
Liked Replies
by bttrfly
Concert was AMAZING! It was incredibly well done, no technical issues, and Dave was chatting with us the whole time. Great great Great way to see a show, under these circumstances. Plus they are hoping to do a US/Canada tour in 2023!!!! Their new album is great. They've lost nothing in almost 40 years. Great stuff!

Feeling less stiff today. Big company meeting at 2pm. Boss saw my report and loved it (shocking!) ... Looking forward to my weekend.

Hope all are well~
3 members like this
by kml
Bttrfly - adrenal support. I know you know what to do.

And get help with clearing out the house. It’s too emotional to do yourself.

I know you don’t want to clutter up your own basement, but I’d consider boxing up all the small stuff that is not clearly stuff to donate or sell , as you can go through that stuff more carefully one box at a time in the comfort of your own home at a later date. Move any furniture pieces you want to keep to your house then sell or donate the rest. Don’t keep any furniture for son unless he specifically requests it - too many think kids will want grandmas furniture when they move out but they rarely do. Then get the estate sale people in to sell everything, and hire a cleaner to come in and prepare it for renting.

Don’t try to sort everything before the estate sale - it’s too much, and too emotional, to go through all the small stuff. Just get it out of the house to address later and move forward quickly so you can start collecting rent. Enlist the help you need to get started - son, friends, etc.
2 members like this
by bttrfly
Been blessedly dream-free of exh. Change is a-coming at work and soon.

I've done nothing to get Mom and Dad's house ready to rent or sell. I know that I need to take action. Perhaps I am, because the grief is not as paralyzing, and I do feel ready to take some steps.

Part of this process of course has stirred up remnants of old grief from my marriage, with some surprises added in. For example, it occurred to me that for 26 years (the duration of my relationship with my exh) we were surrounded by a lot of people whom we'd thought of at the time as our family, friends and support system. In retrospect, that was far from true, although not uniformly the case. My parents certainly loved us both and supported us in all ways. My beloved Uncle Billy and Auntie Lois adored our son as though he were their own grandson, and loved and supported us with the perfect balance of tough love when needed, and gentleness, meaning they loved us enough to ask the hard questions when it was necessary, whether it was about work, relationship, parenting, or personal growth and also provide gentle support.

But what about my in-laws? What about two dear friends whom we thought of as family? I always knew my ex-mil hated me, as frankly, she would hate any woman involved with her son. A true narcissist, her interference caused so much pain in our marriage and to me personally. But she wasn't content to stop there. Oh, no. She told anyone who would listen so many outright lies about me. She also has done the same to my son, trying to turn him against me, belittling me at every opportunity. It's why he has almost nothing to do with her, which causes him pain.

I was recently struck with a random memory of ex's step Dad, whom I really loved, saying to me once that I was a true dilettante. I just brushed it off at the time, but it hurt. Yes I happen to know quite a lot of stuff about many different subjects, but I'm no dilettante. I'm a life-long student, with a keen interest in many subjects. But that's not the narrative that ex-mil promulgated.

I remembered how she told her siblings and their spouses that I squeaked by and barely graduated college. Imagine exh's aunt's surprise when she found out the truth - cum laude, 3.5 gpa, 16 credits taken each of my last three semesters, all while working a very demanding sales engineering job. But not really surprise, right? because she certainly did know her sil, after all and had her own issues with my ex-mil's overstepping boundaries and lying.

I remember telling K a while ago that I didn't ever want to meet someone's people - that was a huge deterrent to dating for me. At the time he asked me if I was serious? I said I was. He said I was a freak, jokingly, but was truly puzzled by my position. No mystery - it's hard enough to open up to a potential lover. To open up to that lover's "people," risk being mistreated again. No. For the longest time I would rather be alone than risk meeting someone's friends and family and having to face that potential rejection or outright interference.

Now it's important for me to pull this poison out of my system, analyze it, acknowledge the hurt and pain it caused, and release it so it no longer has any power over me. This ruminating has resulted in my realizing just how much damage was caused by what should have been peripheral people to our lives or worse, family. 26 years of abuse to purge. So maybe I'm taking action after all, because I do feel like I'm releasing a lot of this and ready to take more concrete action.

How pervasive this all is. On the surface it was MLC. Years and so much work later ... it's so much more. I will no longer allow myself to be abused by a partner or their "people" ... I deserve to be truly valued, as do we all!

I hope something here resonates and inspires someone not to settle for less, to remember your worth, to value yourself enough to stand tall, set healthy boundaries.
2 members like this
by OwnIt
I love a good poem, there are not many situations that some well-considered verse cannot help with.
1 member likes this
by cardinal
bttrfly, the image of Ody finding his way to your yard, your flock has stuck with me all week. Lucky bird! I think I even dreamt of chickens last night.

I'm relieved to hear you found your way out of this scary situation. It is so hard to see clearly sometimes--and takes so much energy--when so much else is going on, and you have a lot going on in your life right now. I'm glad your friends and L were there to help guide you in a different direction.

I will continue sending love and strength and hopefully some respite soon--both you and your son's way.
1 member likes this
by Eagle3
Originally Posted by bttrfly
For those struggling with GAL, when I was at the beginning of this someone I knew gave me some good advice: you know who you were before the relationship. You know who you were during the relationship. It's now time to find out who you are today.

Try some of the things you used to like. Some you'll still enjoy; some you won't. That's ok.

Try, if it's not to painful, some of the things you liked to do while married. Some you'll still enjoy; some you won't. That's ok too.

Now for the hard part. List 3 things you've always wanted to do but have never actually done. Maybe you didn't have the time when you were married. Maybe your partner wasn't interested so you let it slide. Maybe you were afraid to do it (a big one for me was singing in public. squashed that like a bug, but it took time). Pick 3. Do them. Don't let the fear stop you. Feel it and do it anyway. Don't let anything stop you. You only have to try each thing one time.

Let me know how it goes.

Being a LBS means you've been given a gift - the gift of finding out who you are RIGHT NOW. Don't waste it because someone else can't see the treasure before them.

I love this! It’s been on my mind the whole week already.
I will follow your advice. I will think about 3 things I always wanted to do when I was younger.
Will be back in a bit of time. xxx
1 member likes this
by bttrfly
William Ernest Henley - 1849-1903

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
1 member likes this
by bttrfly
I don't concern myself with his feelings or lack for me at all any more. Mostly what I focus on is my own process, because it's not about him - it's about me. Truly, do I think about my mom or dad not loving me any more because they're dead? No, it's about my grief, my feelings, my problem to deal with, right? The man I knew may as well be dead and buried. The pod-person who looks like him, sounds like him, but is someone else entirely is all that remains. That man is someone I want as little to do with as possible, yet the love I bore my husband still exists in some form or another, and it always will. Doesn't mean it will be the nexus of my life, just that it's a part of the fabric of who I am, the sum total of my experiences in this life.

I think it's important to stand up to bad behavior regardless of the person's gender who is throwing $h!t my way. I do notice that I'm more apt to go after the jugular of males faster than females, since BD, and that is worth exploring, with an eye towards deeper healing. I'm striving for equanimity, that is the path to the peace I seek, the peace we all deserve.

As for my 'friend' - man, I was still steamed about that yesterday, when I saw the photos of the proposed hood for my car - six dents in it, some glaring. Only positive is it was the correct color. I'm getting a new hood, car moving to the body shop, nose getting painted. I'm furious because this person used my friendship and trust to try to manipulate me into doing something that would benefit him at my expense. Oh, your car's a piece of $h!t anyway, because it will never win a prize at a car show (that I wouldn't go to - that's not my deal) ... so just throw anything on it, because you're not worth more than that anyway ... I'm sure that's not a conscious thought, but that's the end result. I was supposed to be at an event last night that he was at. I excused myself. I'm too angry to see him right now.

Here's the lesson: people show you who they are, every day, with words and more importantly actions. Pay attention. Not everyone is your friend. Keep your left hand in your pocket while extending your right hand to others. This is especially true for those here going through a divorce. Pay attention.
1 member likes this
by bttrfly
Bereavement coordinator at hospice told me to call former counselors as she thinks i would benefit from some one on one. Ok, called our marriage counselor, who was the last person (who takes insurance) whom I saw individually. He became exh's IC in the years of exh's MLC and subsequent BD. Of course, exh stopped seeing him shortly after BD - dumped the "problem" aka me, so why go to IC any more?

Anyay, we spoke late Friday. As I thought, he won't see me, but will help me find someone appropriate. I'm very happy about that, as he knows my history and will find a good fit, I'm sure. However, he asked about our son which led to a discussion of what son has been dealing with post BD, and how that also affects me today. He asked if and what exh was doing to support our son (and me) in all this, and it just financial help or was he present ... then he said, 'well, he's 7000 miles away so I guess the answer is, nothing" ... right. NOTHING, nada, zip ...

After the call I had so many feelings come up: sadness, rage, despair, etc. Nothing pleasant. It's good, actually, because it highlights all the places I need to focus on for healing, but ... I don't want to feel this. At. All.

As a dear old friend said, "You're doing the hard work, planting a tree for your future ... the roots are deep and you're going right to the heart of where the weeds are to remove them. You'll probably end up with a beautiful tree."

My response (which made her lol), "Yes, but you have to go through the $h!t first, which is probably the fertilizer.
1 member likes this
by kml
Oh hon - I'm so sorry about the pup.

As for the job - consider whether you should line up a new job first before quitting. I know its tempting to just chuck it, but its always easier to get a new job while you still have a job.

Take a deep breath about the other decisions. Which house would give you the most rental income? Which house would be easier to manage as a rental? Does your son have a preference? Does selling the house now in today's market pencil out as better than keeping it as a rental?
1 member likes this