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AndrewP, bttrfly, DejaVu6, Taz, Traveler, wayfarer
Total Likes: 18
Original Post (Thread Starter)
#2928838 01/24/2022 5:40 AM
by Traveler
Traveler
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away I walked away from my wife for good cause. More recently I was BD'd by my live-in girlfriend. It was a dark time, and then life flourished again.

Previous Thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2928363&page=1

The only thing better than a weekend road trip and outdoor adventure is one done with fun and supportive friends. I'm on Cloud 9. My friends covered my gas and lodging.

Taking it a step backward, my original plan was blocked by a natural disaster, and only 4 of 7 friends could handle a major change 12 hrs before. But those four were amazing.
Liked Replies
#2928879 Jan 25th a 01:48 AM
by kml
kml
You did good, Traveler.
2 members like this
#2928927 Jan 25th a 09:08 PM
by kml
kml
Yes - the longest relationships in my life is with friends - 50 years for some high school buddies, 45+ years for a couple I met in my twenties (and they're still happily married!) and 36 years with my best friend.
1 member likes this
#2928966 Jan 26th a 07:57 PM
by DnJ
DnJ
Hello T

Originally Posted by Traveler
I would date her under the right circumstances. Is a little romantic tension between friends a bad thing?

Yes.

Romantic attraction, that draw, that pull towards someone. Awesome feeling.

Tension, is when that pull becomes displayed too much. When one’s attraction is displayed enough to craft tension - yeah, that’s a problem if you ain’t working to be together.

Friends, male or female, you should respect them, trust them, and like them. When you feel romantically attracted, and they to you, enough to be called tension, that’s beyond friendship and is boyfriend/girlfriend territory. Alarm bells should be going off or the beating of your heat should be quickening. Maybe both in this case.

Originally Posted by Traveler
Should it always be resolved immediately by either choosing to date or placing barriers?

It’s interesting reading your statements.

Romantic tension between friends. “Between”, as in not just one way. It is being reciprocated and therefore reinforced and encouraged to grow.

“Choosing to date” gives the impression that you believe (or maybe know) that she’d say yes if you asked to date her. I suspect she has told you such, if not explicitly, most definitely implicitly.

Resolving is also interesting. As if it is only your choice. smile

Continuing as is, the ongoing tension will likely increase. Desires, when unmet will lead to resentment. This in all likelihood altering your friendship. Desires, when explored will likely alter the friendship. Maybe into something great, maybe not. There is risk and potential problems dating friends.

You only control you!

If you do not wish to risk your friendship, then alter your desires. Utilize your conscious control/mind and influence your emotions to that which serves you.

Should it be resolved? Yes. However, there are more than two choices.

There will likely be conflict in such an endeavour. What is worse than conflict, is conflict delayed. The downstream conflict will be far greater.

Realize if you choose not to date, that is your choice. It may not necessarily be her’s. The barriers you place are actually upon you, not her. In case you choose to go in that direction.

D
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#2928961 Jan 26th a 06:38 PM
by Dawn70
Dawn70
Oh, Cw....LH hit it squarely on the head. You do, indeed, march to your own drummer. That is not necessarily a bad thing, for the record.

Listen, I say all the time, we are all different with different experiences, but if I were traveling with a guy and he wanted to share a room, I would likely suspect that he had some underlying intentions. If I were into pursuing those intentions, I would agree to sharing, but if I weren't or if I valued the friendship more or whatever, I would say no to sharing. I will admit, though, that my best friend (male) and I travel together and always share a room mainly for cost savings, but not a bed. For me, that is a different because he is like my brother and I would share a room with my brother.

So, I get that your dilemma is that you have a solid friendship with this woman that you don't want to lose. If that is the case, be careful about mixed signals. Whether she had preconceived ideas that she could get with you or it happened spur of the moment after you agreed to room with her, who knows? But, I will say, wanting to share a bed because she was cold seems a bit maneuver-y to me. I could absolutely be wrong since I don't know the woman, but just sharing a room is one thing, but sharing a bed is a whole other thing. Then asking you to share because she's susceptible to the cold? Yeah, like others said, offer her an extra blanket and stay out of the bed.

That is just my 2 cents...you are going to do what you are going to do.

As far as Sunshine thinking you were making a play based on what y'all did, I seem to recall when you brought that up originally that many advised you to NOT do the picnic thing because that came across more romantic than you perhaps intended, but you just kept saying that is who you were. While I would never advise someone to be inauthentic, I would say that you likely need to think about how others perceive things, particularly if you do NOT want to get entangled in another Sunshine situation.
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#2928962 Jan 26th a 06:42 PM
by BL42
BL42
Traveler,

Originally Posted by Traveler
I wonder if I'm often giving off mixed signals to the women around me?
Yes, you are...at least based on the descriptions you give here.

Originally Posted by Traveler
I still think the shared bed was more innocent than many are imagining. I blame this on describing a complicated choice in the span of a couple of paragraphs.
This is a perfect example. We're not overcomplicating it, you are. Most adults don't share beds with the member of the opposite sex when one or both don't have some sort of romantic expectations (especially when you and the woman have asked each other out in the past). I called it here before you even went on the trip.
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#2928975 Jan 26th a 08:59 PM
by kml
kml
Traveler, I still think you did an excellent job in recognizing that she and you are looking for different things in a relationship, and that a relationship with her would not suit your needs and would likely harm the friendship. For a people-pleaser like you that's a really big step.

Hopefully, she'll continue on as if nothing occurred. However, if she does continue to come on to you in a more overt way, just tell her that you really value the friendship and wouldn't want to risk it. And if you need to , just add that she and you are looking for different things in a relationship. There should be no hard feelings I would imagine if you're honest about that.
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#2928990 Jan 27th a 03:02 AM
by DnJ
DnJ
Quote
she doesn't want the weekly obligation to "see" a boyfriend , not because she's selfish. I get it. I want more.

Hope you don’t mind, I removed the extraneous stuff, which detracts from the important stuff.

D
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#2928991 Jan 27th a 03:15 AM
by Ready2Change
Ready2Change
Originally Posted by kml
(I can almost hear the collective sigh of certain guys here thinking "but you could have had SEX!!!".)

Most guys that end up here need to learn some "game" and "bedroom" skills. From what I can tell, CW doesn't really fit into this category and doesn't need to "practice" that builds up his confidence. He is past that in his growth and is learning to sift for a better quality partner.
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#2929022 Jan 27th a 04:15 PM
by wayfarer
wayfarer
Originally Posted by LH19
Yeah but most guys in long term marriages have scheduled sex in the most mundane form. I was at my friends B-day party and his sister got him a gag gift book "101 sex positions". He looks at his W and says "look hun there are 100 other different positions".

It's funny how women want guys to learn this stuff but if they learn it from a book then the woman feels like she is being played.
What????

Yeah if vanilla marries vanilla they then have vanilla sex. How is that the fault of grand sweeping blanket of long term relationship and/or women? Married sex doesn't = boring sex. Scheduled sex doesn't = boring sex. Boring people = boring sex.

Next if missionary only hubby all of sudden gets new moves after 15 or 20 years, yeah there'd be questions. As there should be.

Reverse that scenario. Vanilla wifey all of sudden wants to give the gift that keeps on giving in public places where you could get caught, the vanilla husband isn't going to have any questions and just go with the flow?? Come on now.
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#2929025 Jan 27th a 04:42 PM
by kml
kml
Quote
Boring people = boring sex.

Lol - like I used to tell my kids, “only boring people are bored”.

A partner who has known you and your body for years, and to whom you are connected, often results in better sex than you can find with someone new. And unless you’re in a sex starved marriage, most married people are having a lot more sex than dating people averaged over time - with a lot less effort.

As for those 101 positions - anybody over thirty has learned that most of them end up being awkward and unsatisfying lol.
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#2929216 Jan 30th a 07:41 PM
by Ginger1
Ginger1
So you are romantically interested in K?

Because that is exactly what you will tell her through inviting her on a Valentine’s Day dinner . So be sure that is what you want her to know
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#2929246 Jan 31st a 02:13 PM
by Dawn70
Dawn70
Originally Posted by LH19
Stop $hitting where you eat!

I don't think I have ever agreed with a post more on this entire board. CW, dude, come on now. Follow this up with what G said about you are changing your narrative and justifying. You first said you had been friends for x number of years and now it changes to just 6 months. You say she's attractive, good mom, you can talk to her for hours, but don't see her as a partner. If you don't see her as a partner, then STOP. You can be friends without doing the trips and sharing a bed and all that. If you don't want to meet her on her level of trips and activities, then she's not the right one for you. You can't expect every person you come across to match your intensity level for such things, but if that is important to you in a romantic partner, then stop trying to make people who don't fit into that mold fit into that mold. It is going to end badly every time you do it.

I agree with G...find some MALE friends to do these things with. I would bet a male friend wouldn't invite you to share a room, let alone a bed. LOL
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#2929241 Jan 31st a 12:26 PM
by Ginger1
Ginger1
You are changing your narrative, T.

You first said you didn’t want to throw away 6 years of friendship. Now she’s just been an acquaintance and now only a “friend” for 6 months. You are justifying.

That being said . It seems as if she isn’t someone you want in a partner because she doesn’t share the same activities or time spent together. So if you don’t want to pursue romantically, don’t send mixed signals like a valentines date.

Honestly, she sounds like she has great moral standing and likes to go on some trips. And I bet when she gets close to someone, she likes to spend more than once a week time together.

Notice you had Ms. sunshine, who wanted to spend all her time with you, but you didn’t want to because she treated you poorly.

I know you are a calculator and a numbers person.

But take pause for a minute. This woman seems like a solid human. She does like to take some trips , but maybe not in your level. Not many partners are going to be into the intensity of your adventures. Maybe finding a buddy ( and I think a male would be a good idea) for those adventures is a better idea and the woman you date be the one who shares the same values, tries to be a good person, isn’t manipulative, is motivated and supportive in life, rather than adventure partner. And I also think you are looking for someone to always be there to give you safety and security. That comes from a solid foundation of a relationship. Not just someone who wants to spend all their time with you. My ex actually wanted to all his time with me, believe it or not. We did nearly everything together. Very rarely we did our own thing. But he wasn’t supportive and loving in the way a partner should be.

Just something to think about
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#2929378 Feb 2nd a 10:49 AM
by LH19
LH19
Lol. You are a very predictable person CWs. Just so you know I don’t have a 3 step plan it just typically falls out that way. Don’t over think it just do what comes naturally.

Someone owes me $100.
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#2929384 Feb 2nd a 01:20 PM
by bttrfly
bttrfly
Originally Posted by LH19
Lol. You are a very predictable person CWs. Just so you know I don’t have a 3 step plan it just typically falls out that way. Don’t over think it just do what comes naturally.

Someone owes me $100.
that was a sucker's bet LH. Who would possibly take that one?
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#2929429 Feb 2nd a 10:06 PM
by Traveler
Traveler
Back to my regularly scheduled work on my home and health!

New Thread:

Life Is Going Well IV
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#2929428 Feb 2nd a 10:05 PM
by Traveler
Traveler
Originally Posted by bttrfly
but you do have a crystal ball ... the best way to ensure a stable relationship with anyone is to first have a stable internal relationship. That's probably why your IC suggested no dating right now.
Good point. To be more precise, she advised me to focus on me and not rush into a relationship. Worrying about what may happen between K and I is not focusing on me. wink
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