Well, it’s been a minute since I started a thread. I guess I decided to start one as somewhat of a journal. Maybe check in once in a blue moon. I just want everyone to know I read along. I rarely comment, but I’m rooting you on from behind the scenes.
Kid- she’s a freshman in high school now! When did that happen?! She’s thriving in her new school, Made new friends immediately and is outgoing and happy. She’s quite the social butterfly. She fits in very well at this school. They are all very good academically focused kids. It’s not a regular high school. These kids are like minded and focused and don’t get in trouble. And it’s a parents dream. She did get her first career C which was in French. But so did the rest of her class. So I went easy on her. Her sport is swimming, and because neither Hugh school has it. We pay and she loves it. She doesn’t compete but is on a team that trains for competition. The pool is at a local gym and we joined together and we work out together on the weekends. She’s still a wise ass teen ( no idea where she got that from) but is a good kid. I’m super proud of her.
Job- I still love my job. It’s been getting a little more exhausting because we are so short staffed. But I love my coworkers. I regret sometimes not going for the managerial position , my coworkers still see me as that resource, but it is what it is. I still work my second job too .
Friends-I have really become close with my coworkers. We do a lot of social things together. They are just the most awesome non judge mental fun people . We have a partner sponsored event nearly every week lately and we basically get wines and dined and all get to hang out and have fun. I love them all. And this summer I went to a country music festival at the beach with the nurses on my unit and we had a blast!
Ex- well, the ex is the ex. Not a big part of my life. He does weird stuff like him and my daughter walked in my house last week with no warning, scared the poop out of me, then he took his hat off to scare me because he shaved his head. I was taken a back because he has always had hair. Then he asks for a glass of wine and hangs out. Anyone I tell this weird stuff to thinks he still holds a little bit of a torch for me. I doubt it, but I imagine if I said “ want to have sec” he would surely say yes and cheat on his wife. My daughter still tells me His wife is always speaking no nicely about me and “really likes me” she will see something I might like in a store and buy it for me. Weird.
Money- a constant issue that will likely never go away until my daughter graduates and I can move. I just can barely afford this state. My mortgage and taxes are unbelievable . I’m drowning and living paycheck to paycheck and there isn’t much more I can do about to. I’m frugal in most areas. I get by, but I am kind of sick of just getting by. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel in the next few years and leaving to a cheaper area to live a simple life. I thought about taking advantage of local travel nursing contracts because they would solve my problems, but I don’t want to give up my current job
Health- well, I am getting my yearly surgery next Thursday. This stupid knee, 3 rd procedure. All because I wanted to have some fun and play volleyball a few years ago. I have lots of pain and he needs to re clean up my meniscus and remove scar tissue. Eh, it gives me 2 weeks off of work and I’m looking forward to that. I did lose some weight, I feel better, but I have another 15 lbs to go. Otherwise im a rather healthy 41 year old woman. Grateful for that.
Dating- this area of my life may always be a train wreck and i realize that. I have dated ALOT this year. I have had alot of sex this year, lol. I definitely went through a hoe phase, lol. One or 2 one nighters. Some I dated for a bit. I am afraid I am now the avoidant. I cannot get close to anyone. I feel nothing for anyone. One guy really really likes me and k ended it and he just keeps telling me how much he misses me. But I just know he isn’t the one . I don’t want to lead him on. I don’t want to use him. The guy I liked the most who I saw on and off for a few months ( I did not have sex with him) is going through alot with his very recent ex. He also has a 3 and 5 year old. I can’t do that again. We have an awesome time together. He’s really a cool as heck guy. But he commit to a date ever. We became friends and that’s that. I also dated a guy who was awful. He reminded me of my ex. Nothing nice to say, always critical. I found out he was bipolar and I could see alot of his behaviors my mom had. He was medicated and treated but really a huge douche. He was the one that would give time to me and plan ahead, but he wasn’t nice and I didn’t want to spend the time with him. So I said goodbye.
I just haven’t been able to feel anything since M. I cannot get close to a single guy. I think that ruined me more than I thought. I handled that breakup fine, but in the end. I thought he was it and this was what I was waiting for . I thought it was my chance at the family I wanted so badly. And I trusted him . And I just can’t get close to anyone enough to trust them. Is my ho phase a way to keep people at a distance. Most likely. Is it healthy? It was what I needed for a while and it was kind of fun. Not anymore. ( I’ve been safe during this ho phase, by the way) it was a good distraction for a while, but the truth of the matter is, I probably need therapy again to figure out how to get close to someone again.
In the meantime , friends and the like always tell me I exude positivity, they love being around me and that I give off such a positive vibe and I’maid back and take things as they come. Strangers like to share their life story with me, people come to me for comfort and advice. Maybe it’s my purpose. Maybe it’s what I have to offer to this world. When I feel utterly lonely ( and lonely as in lack of family and partner ) I think maybe my purpose is just to lift others up.
Some days I’m so mentally and emotionally exhausted. I can’t explain it. But I function like a champ still. I never let my pain sleep through. Not even my closest friends have any idea what I’m going through inside. I think that’s better reserved for a professional, lol.
Well, if you got this far, thanks for listening ! I hope everyone is well and having a great holiday season.
I think it definitely has to do with the holidays. People get lonely, reach out to something familiar. I’m not about that anymore. It was like 3 weeks with that guy and it was too tumultuous . Not for me. Need peace in life. And yes! 3.5 years I’m out of here and I really don’t want anything derailing those plans. Only for absolutely amazing am I willing to derails those plans. I am just so excited to be getting out of here eventually, not being house poor and living my life and enjoying some travel hopefully
Dating for fun. Currently not fun to me right now. But it might become fun to me again. Right now, I’m having more fun totally single. More time to take care of myself . Going out with work friends. I’m enjoying it.
Sure , it should be. But men really don’t know what women go through. How it can be scary . We aren’t just out there getting wines and dined and hugged good night . I was once at bar for a meetup and there was a couple next to us. My date was given off creepy vibes and we were all talking and the woman of the couple, a stranger, exchanged numbers with me in case I needed help when she left .
That’s what it’s like out there. I’m an adult, a woman a mother and I feel like I’m having to cringe at complete inappropriateness a lot of times and it feels pretty bad.
So we may look for the end prize so we don’t have to go through that anymore
IF everybody got vaccinated and wore their masks her workload would be 1/3 of what it is.
If you honestly believe this you simply are not paying attention to what’s going on. We’ve tried this. It clearly does not work. We’ve got vac rates of between 50 to 70% and around 90% with elderly at risk populations and vaccinated people are still contracting and spreading Covid. The college example I listed. Professional sports have extremely high vac rates in the high nineties yet still have positive cases so much a few have cancelled games for lack of players. The thing the vaccinations have done is reduce deaths and severity of illness. That seems very clear. They work for that - well at least for about 6 months. Yet They are not stopping the spread. If they were, 70% vaccinated would be resulting in a marked reduction and its not. Some areas are reporting case numbers higher now WITH A VACCINATION than WITHOUT ONE! Sadly it’s not. Increasing 30% vaccination rates is not going to result in a 66% hospitalization reduction.
Ginger I GREATLY appreciate your first hand perspective. It mirrors what others in healthcare are telling me. Although I had not heard sick patients were treating staff poorly. I’ve heard remorse and regret but not abuse. I’m not surprised at making vented patients no codes and found it odd that CPR would even be attempted in these patients but had no intel to back up my hunch.
Thankfully it appears more and more people are finally starting to say what some of us have said for 18 months now. It’s crazy to think we can stop an airborne virus. All we’ve done is taken a bad situation and compounded with depression, financial devastation, worse care and now damadge to and loss of healthcare workers. This whole response has been a huge fail on so many levels and the proof is it’s still happening nearly as it was 18 months ago even after all of these failed ideas. Just can’t blame Trump for it all anymore though I’m sure some will still try. Hopefully the seemingly much less destructive omicron virus will get us to the robust natural immunity we so desperately need. Sadly history is only repeating itself. We made the same mistakes with HIV, with drug overdose and others - including blaming the patients. We’ve got to stop doing the same failed things and expecting better results.
I will say again I feel really bad for todays healthcare providers. Sadly it’s going to be future patients who really pay the price. Heart attacks still happen. Strokes still happen. Trauma still happens. Who will take care of these patients. It’s the same with law enforcement and we see how that is turning out - mass looting and all. See I guess it could be worse, instead of a nurse you could be a cop!
In the end, like most things, all we can control is us. We can tell the diabetic to take their insulin or the CHF patient to take their lasix. But in the end the choice is theirs. As long as we do our best, that’s all that we can do. This is not going to change. People have free choice - even if their choices would not be ours.
I don’t have ice time, but I can answer the short version
1) the pandemic gave nurses PTSD. A lot left the profession. And to add to it, when you get the anti-maskers, conspiry theorists, anti-vaxxers, etc having covid and almost dying treating the staff like crap as they risk their lives to save their lives, you get some serious compassion burnout. Pre vaccine, it was a literal life risk. And there were still the abusive patients. But to have these patients abuse you while you are literally risking your life to take care of them is really damaging.
2) then comes in administration. Less staff, more risk, more burnout, still expecting staff to keep the pace and the patient satisfaction scores up, and it’s near impossible to do. Unsafe patient assignments for the patients. Which leads to more angry family members and patients. Everyone is just ANGRY and ABUSIVE and DEMANDING. The bonuses aren’t all that great. People are burnt to the hilt .I’m my 16 years of nursing I haven’t seen such unappreciative abusive patients and families and the lack of of support on the administrative end.
3) no one does an hour of Chest compressions. I have done alot in my time and I can do 2 min effective chest compressions and I’m huffing and puffing. And I was young and I’m good shape. Our biggest strongest guys get like 5 min before they have to switch.
On covid patients we have they do not code that long because it is almost always futile. They didn’t even do CPR on them in the beginning. The docs were allowed to make the call not to if it was futile and it would put the staff at risk they wouldn’t do it.
The healthcare field is certainly a mess. And it’s scary. I am just thinking about going back for these small extra hours, but I am already kind of burnt out, but I need the money. I was hoping to make some extra money not in the healthcare field, but it’s hard to match the money.
I am fortunate to work for a hospital system that does its best to support its staff. But it’s just not enough.
Of course she didn’t do cpr nonstop for an hour on her own - but she was part of the team that did so and did so much in that hour that she injured herself.
IF everybody got vaccinated and wore their masks her workload would be 1/3 of what it is. It’s hard to maintain compassion for the unvaccinated who are causing her to continue to work this hard. It was one thing last year when it was a war that everyone was fighting. It’s another thing now when 90% of Covid ICU cases could have been prevented with a simple vaccine.