Hi all! I hope everyone is well and healthy. I just read about Sandi not logging in and, hoping for the best, I just want say how incredibly helpful she has been for me and I am sure others. I literally have a note on my work monitor to remind myself to keep all I have learned here as a compass in my life.
I have been really busy finding a new job, with the house in Germany and gathering documents and information for the D so I took a time away from the forum and my books again. I feel like I am finally understanding the path to my happiness, taking care of myself and my needs and just pouring all the love I have onto my children. I still struggle with what my M and family could have been, but am growing stronger everyday with the goal of becoming the man I am meant to be.
Let´s go point by point. I was very frustrated in my old job, being in Spain, asking for a promotion and only being given the "you need to keep growing" feedback was not easy. So last summer I updated my CV and went job hunting for a remote position. I interviewed with Google and Facebook, some banks and tech companies but eventually it was a process started by a recruiter that has landed me a better job remotely from Spain (yay!) with a US based company. I have a more senior position (still doing machine learning in the cloud), I get more benefits, an amazing base salary and it is not an IT company so the team atmosphere so far it´s been great. I started this month because I was asked to stay in my previous role to finish a customer project I was responsible for, but I can say it has been an improvement in my life and therefore that of my children. Of course when I said I was leaving the previous job, my teammates were surprised and my manager offered me a remote position in Spain but it was too late by then.
I bought that motorbike I kept talking about (next step is the BMW M) and despite I ride very carefully, the feeling of freedom and speed is just amazing even when you are doing 30 mph. I use it to go to the crossfit mostly but again I love it. I completed my first half marathon race last month at 1:37:00 and I am incredibly proud! Now training for a full marathon, still riding the bike, wearing nice clothes, taking care of my hygiene, lifting heavier weights at crossfit and doing my sexual kung fu exercises (LOL). I am mostly focused now on working on Pack emotionally and intellectually. I recently finished Seduction and What Women Want When They Test Men and I am working on my self-esteem, my unalterable terms and building a life according to my principles. The hardest part is working on accepting this is permanent, my new life, my new family, the time I will get with my children and the reality that if I am ever ready to date again, I will need to be sincere and put all the cards on the table regarding my life situation and the importance of my children in my life. But I am not ready yet, I am still saving Pack from this hell and cementing my changes for my new life.
I have now filed for D with my new L. I have filed based on my principles, the time in this open M / limbo and to force me to move on (sadly, I needed this). He has helped me with many things I struggled in the past. Such as imposing I dont have to be there stuck to my phone at 20 pm so that my children talk to W daily on the phone, never to let her make a scene again (as you ALL told me here), protecting myself and replacing child support that she is clearly not spending on them for private tuition at a bilingual school here. I had to collect a lot of documents but the D papers are now sent and we are awaiting response from W and her L.
We sold the house to a lovely couple in Munich! We traveled our separate ways to Munich and met there at the notary. I tried to frame the trip as business but just setting foot there brought me all the memories about how proud I was of the education our kids were getting there, my job and just in general being in a city with so many opportunities and such level of progress. I cried a lot, in the solitude of my hotel room but it was a terrible time. I also went to the bank to ensure I could operate on the benefits from the selling and move the funds to Spain. Once the money finally arrived, and remember I have been solely covering the mortgage since October 2019 when W left home and paying child support as well, I sent my L all the calculations based on the expenses I had covered and sent W her part of the benefits. Of course, she returned the money, claiming that the calculation was unfair and I got a very nice letter from her L accusing me of a crime by moving the money from our shared account in Germany. I lost it for a bit but I have learned by now not to act on my emotional reactions. I calmed down, prepared all proof of bank movements and sent it to my L. When I talked to my L, he told me to sleep well because I had committed no crime and he reassured me he would make the most so that W cannot have nothing more than what is fair. The money is in my bank account now (I refuse to play a tennis game of bank transfers) and I am waiting for action from her L.
Looking back at all the money transfers in 2019 I could really see how idiot I have been when I was emotionally a wreck. W just wanted to get away from me regardless of the pain or destruction and do it asap and I was just there saying "yes go, I will take care of all responsibilities from our shared life, you go and dance and drink with OM at the night club". What a Muppet of a man, thank God he is no more. I am going to show my children what a strong man does, how he is happy, how he treats women and how he guides his life by his principles.
W has not changed a bit, she is all love with the kids but continues to treat me with disrespect and hatred. Our last fight was due to the new school for the kids. I am going to pay everything so I went in search of the best one that fitted my budget. I visited 3 schools and finally made a choice. When I contacted W for her agreement, she replied back that she was unsure about the change now and that I had not involved her in the decision. I talked to my L and he said there was no reason for W to reject a new private bilingual school starting next course. Not only she won't help, but now she has decided to be a constant obstacle in anything I try to do wrt the children. BTW, I talked to S8 and he all in for the new school were he can have native English speakers as teachers. I am not sure how to proceed here, whether via my L or try to reason with W.
I always have in my head that sentence on short term inconvenience for long term happiness. I am still very broken inside, so I wanted to come back to continue to improve and learn from you all and to ask for help in saving me through the D. I never wanted this, I was convinced it would never be me the one filing, I wanted to reunite my family and give my children the love and stability they deserve but W´s priorities are just out of sync with mine now. I want to learn here how to be a strong man and how to parent my children through the D. As time passes, I am also learning to see where I failed as a man and H and where I was a rock star, because in some aspects I was.I still struggle with the idea that my M is dead, and it has been dead for a long time and my W is the person I see in front of me now, not the one I had imagined in my head.
My updated PIES:
P - Prepare that marathon, continue to ride the bike and improve my best marks on crossfit. Continue to eat healthy and limiting the amount of alcohol. Practice the sexual kung-fu exercises and dress well. I - Grow to become a team leader in the new job, continue to read about men and woman and exercise and diet. Get the car I always wanted. E - Listening actively to anyone I can, focusing on the things I have and finding happiness in building the best possible R with my children. Regaining self esteem and confidence in front of women and learning to be happy alone. Forgiving myself for all my DB mistakes, but never letting them happen again. Detach from W and M. S - Knowing Pack better, understanding my values and priorities and living with them and learning to like and care for these. Accept I cannot control my way out of this.
Thank you all, please keep posting. I am looking forward to hearing your suggestions.
Pack, I get what you are saying about not wanting to be fake with her. However, I think you just continue to DB. You treat her with politeness. You are kind like you would be to a total stranger. But you do not over share with her, just like the cashier at the store.
Her: "Hi, how'd it go with them?" You: "It went well. We did some fun things, I am sure they will tell you." Her: "Ok I will have to discuss it with them, but they seem like they enjoyed it." You: "Yes, they really did seem to have a good time." Her: "Okay well, we have some fun things planned to, we are going to go here and do this." You: "That sounds great! They should enjoy that. Hey, I have to get going, I have some place I need to be."
R2C likes to say "Never stop DBing!" I agree with him. You DB with her for the rest of your life. Not to save the marriage (since that is now beyond all of that), but to have a friendly, polite R with her but still keep her at arms length.
I won’t tell you what to do but believe you are wrong in saying “it won’t change anything”. It will change your kids experience. A friend is also going through D, not as complicated as some sitches here but with a bit of aggression and hostility. At one point my friend wasn’t speaking to his ex at all. Hardly emails. Their seven year old daughter started having severe anxiety and sleeping problems. That all ended when they decided to be more polite/cordial during exchanges and communication.