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bttrfly, Taz, wayfarer
Total Likes: 8
Original Post (Thread Starter)
by Traveler
"Abusive childhood -> Divorcing wife after 10yrs due to her untreated postpartem depression -> Left by live-in GF of 3yrs who vented at me due to a neurodegenerative disease. I've had lows but also hiked, climbed, kayaked, traveled, and loved passionately.. plus my kids are great."

Last Thread ("Ms. Sunshine and No Drama")


Ms. Sunshine continued to be drama-free the last couple of days. Yesterday we spent 30min + 30min talking about religion and spirituality. She has a headache tonight, so I offered instead of dancing out to do dinner and a movie at her place and she accepted. I've never had such an effortless relationship. I know, whether we meet, whether we talk, or not she will still be there.

It's answering a question I've wondered.. have I repeatedly chosen dramatic partners, or have I repeatedly been a dramatic partner? It seems like, when I have a calm partner, I feel calm. I have a feeling being with a partner who can be calm could be healing, could recalibrate me. It's a very different feeling, this constancy, instead of the background low anxiety I'm used to.
Liked Replies
by kml
Definitely sounds like "paralyzed perfectionism" then - my sister is like this so I recognize it. You should read up on it.

And in order to translate this into the housekeeping stuff, the idea of a 15 minute timer might work for you - instead of trying to do everything perfectly, just race the timer to see what you can get done in 15 minutes then stop. Doing a little, even if imperfectly, is better than doing nothing. My sister has had success with approaches like this - FlyLady works for her.
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by Dawn70
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Do you feel when you try to take so much in at such a frantic pace you are truly getting the chance to enjoy it? Or is the thrill in just being able to say you saw it ?

I wondered the same thing. CW's response to me made me laugh out loud because my thought when I read it was "oh, he's one of those I'll sleep when I'm dead people..." I'm totally NOT one of those. Different strokes for different folks...
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by DnJ
Originally Posted by LH19
I think because this is a divorce busting site the tendency leans towards every relationship lasting forever. The truth is that most aren’t supposed to last forever.

People attract and therefore find that which they are looking for. Unrealized or not. If one believes it isn’t to last, than it surely won’t; one will find a relationship that makes it so.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Then she added I need to work out more. I said nothing.

Decline all further invites from her with "Sorry, I have plans to go to the gym". You invite her out on your time.

People, she, will treat you as you allow.

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by Sage4
Originally Posted by CWarrior
She got quiet for an hour. I said I was feeling vulnerable about my acrophobia, and asked what was up. She said, "Imprecision". She'd have to see if we could actually mesh over the next couple of months. She was too tired to talk now.

CW, it may be the scales falling from my eyes in my own sitch with emotional blackmail, but I really don't think this is OK.

Having a constructive conversation about her needs 'I need to feel safe in my relationships and when you lose your ID or drive over the yellow line it leaves me with a sense that you are not in control' is one thing. But to go quiet, cite something as broad as 'imprecision' (I mean who really wants to live a perfectly precise life anyway?), then hold a trial period over your head and be too tired to process something like that bomb with you are just not the markers for a healthy relationship.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Monday, she was ready to talk about my lost ID.

Fine. But how did you feel in the interim? Self-conscious? Judged? Or totally OK?

Originally Posted by CWarrior
She apologized 2-3x for how she phrased things when she was tired--the relationship was more good than bad, and you do evaluate 2mo, 6mo into a relationship to see where it's going and what adjustments are needed.

Processing and evaluating the R at the 2- or 6- month mark is normal. But it usually doesn't include things like 'you're disorganized and sloppy. Please fix that or I am out' because you either accept someone for who they are, or you move on. I read that this R will include constantly moving goalposts for you. Which I kind of think you may like in some arenas of your life such as aiming for your physical goals. If this is your kink, more power to you. But it doesn't look like the makings of a healthy R from the cheap seats.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
No decisions need to be made now. It was a weekend.

Yes, but please re-read your story with Ms Sunshine. There is a reoccurring theme that goes way beyond this weekend and it is not in your longterm favor.

Also, I would like to gently point out that you often forgive the moment in anticipation of the future. In a 'this moment is pretty sh!tty... but oh, look! The sparkle of the holidays is ahead, surely that will be better!' sort of way. It is kind of a form of self-gaslighting really. Do you really want it that much that you are willing to ignore your own common sense?

Hugs CW. This is hard stuff to see when we have our blinders on.

1 member likes this
by Dawn70
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Disorganization? My last thread title was I'm Done Being Disorganized. I think this is an area I can genuinely make changes without resentment that may make us more compatible.

To me, this is the crux of the matter in any relationship...not just yours with Sunshine. This is a rhetorical question, by the way...just something to think about. "I think this is an area I can genuinely make changes without resentment that may make us more compatible." Do you WANT to make changes that enhance your own life or do you "want" to make changes solely for the purpose of being more compatible with Sunshine? Those are 2 entirely different things. If you want to make changes because you are just tired of being disorganized or whatever, then that is great, more power to you. If you want to change simply to appease her, well, that is a bigger deal. As I said earlier, I'm looking through the lens of the one in the duo who is organized, so maybe I see things differently, but wanting to make changes for you vs. wanting to make changes to suit her are 2 entirely different animals. It speaks volumes to me that your son, who is fairly young, realizes that it is more difficult for you to pay at certain places because of your disorganization. That would be alarming enough for me to want to make a change so that my kids developed better habits. I'm not a fan of anyone pretzeling themselves into a different person just for the sake of making another person happy or more comfortable or whatever.
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by Ginger1
I find what dawn says very thoughtful provoking . You are admittedly disorganized to a point where your son notices you chose restaurants due to the fallout of your disorganization .

Simple solution: get a wallet. But it didn’t take you wanting to make a change for yourself. It was affecting your son, yet you still didn’t make the change.

Now it affects Ms. Sunshine, and you finally pulled the trigger and bought a wallet and only now you can take your son to his favorite restaurant ?

Why does it take a romantic relationship ship and pleasing another woman to make change? I would dig a little deeper into that.

You made improvements in your hone which is great, but it was saying that spurred your changes. Not yourself or your kids who live in that environment . But the fear of Ms. sunshine seeing it.

Maybe it would be helpful to sit down and think of what other positive changes you can make that would be great for yourself and kids that have nothing to dating and pull the trigger on those. See how that feels to want to do it for yourself and to role model for your kids rather than make another woman happy
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by Ginger1
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Ginger, I'm so sorry to hear that. I was rooting for you to have this partner through Christmas and beyond. I hope the relationship was a net positive for more days than it was a net negative, and that you learned from the experience so your next relationship fares better. There is much about you that rocks that someone will appreciate. Even if you [GASP!] don't hide your TV's wires. Of all the silly things out there to be a bone of contention. wink

Thank you. And the relationship was a net negative which is why I ended it.

I looked at all the shiny stuff that was missing on my last prospects. The shiny objects for me was planning ahead and making sure there was time spent. It was always like pulling teeth with other guys because they couldn’t commit to spending time together and I was always the one making the effort.

It was shiny at first , but the negative aspects were brought back into view. I got my time spent, but it wasn’t even enjoyable.

And I thought back to the advice I had been given you. And I decided to follow it for myself. There is no one who is going to me make feel less than anymore in my life. I’m not allowing that anymore. You shouldn’t either
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by LH19
We tend to be attracted to people who have the same emotional and mental wounds and flaws. Like attracts like. It’s always best to get to a place where you love your time alone, love being alone with yourself, but you enjoy the company of others who enrich your life with joy, happiness and fun. It is very difficult to be unhappy and hate being alone but trying to get to a place of happiness once you meet a romantic prospect that makes your heart sing. You can’t give away what you don’t already have for yourself. Relationships are based upon giving, not taking from others based upon what you feel you lack.” ~ LH19
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